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Quotes: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)

"Excuse me for not knowing where El Salvador is. Like I'm ever going to Spain, anyway."
Buffy

"Great. My secret weapon is PMS."
Buffy

"There's a small village in Hampshire, near Stonehenge... (notices Buffy's blank look) Near a bunch of big rocks. That's where I was born."
Merrick

Buffy's Mom: Bye-bye, Bobby.
Jeffery: Bye! (to Buffy) She thinks my name's Bobby?
Buffy: It's possible she thinks my name's Bobby.

"Everyone gets horribly killed except the blonde girl in the nightie, who finally kills the monster with a machete. But it's not really dead."
"Oh, my God, is that true?"
"Probably. What movie is this?"
Buffy and Jennifer

"I don't believe this! The world is under attack by legions of the undead, and you're going to a mixer?!?"
Pike

"I've got something none of the other girls had."
"And what's that?"
"My keen fashion sense."
"Oh, vampires of the world, beware."
"Merrick you made a joke! Are you okay? I mean, do you wanna lie down? I know it hurts the first time."
Buffy and Merrick

"I'm the Chosen One, and I choose to be shopping."
Buffy

"C'mon, Pike! Join me! Live forever! We can start a band!"
Benny

""They had fangs. They were biting people. They had this look in their eyes totally cold. Animal. I think they were Young Republicans."
Andy

"Now, I'm a god!
(Pike stakes him)
"And now, you're a coat rack."
Grueller and Pike

"I have detention slips here, and I'm not afraid to use them!"
Gary Murray to horde of vampires attacking the school gym

(while dying) "You do everything wrong."
"Sorry. I take it back."
"...No. Do it wrong. Don't play our game."
Buffy and Merrick

"You ruined my new jacket! (to henchmen) Kill him. A LOT."

"We're immortal. We can do anything."
"Oh yeah? Clap."
Amilyn and Buffy

"I crashed your party."
"How shallow."
"Yeah well, I'm pretty shallow. Would I get my ass kicked if I asked you to dance?"
Pike and Buffy

The TV series

" Oh yeah. I'm cool. Nothing wrong here. It's only allergy season. Just like every February and May in the Buffyverse."

"I don't like vampires. I'm gonna take a stand and say they're not good."
Xander

"Let me be sure I have this right - this witch is casting horrible and disfiguring spells... so that she can become a cheerleader?"
Giles

"The part that gets me, though, is where Buffy is the Vampire Slayer. She's so little."
Miss Calender

Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes
They've got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses
And what's with all the carrots?
What do they need such good eyesight for anyway~?
Anya

"Yes, I must consult my books."
(to Willow) "OH! 8 minutes and 33 seconds. Pay up! I called 10 minutes before you'd 'consult your books' about something."
Giles and Xander

(reads ransom note) "Come to the Bronze before it opens, or we make her a meal."
"They're gonna cook her dinner?!
(beat) ...I'll pretend I didn't say that."
Buffy and Xander

(to Buffy) "So Angel has decided to step up his harassment of you."
"By sneaking in her room and leaving stuff at night? Why doesn't he just slit her throat or strangle her while she's sleeping or cut her heart out?
(off everyone's looks) What, I'm trying to help."
Giles and Cordelia

"I don't see why everyone picks on Marie Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people don't appreciate that kind of effort. And I know the peasants were all depressed..."
"I think you mean
oppressed."
Cordelia and Xander

"You die, and a demon sets up shop in your old house, and it walks, and it talks, and it remembers your life, but it's not you."
Buffy

Xander: "Visiting hours are over."
Angelus: "Well, I'm pretty much family."
Xander: "Yeah. Why don't you come back during the day? Oh, gee, no, I guess you can't."
Angelus: "If I decide to walk into Buffy's room, do you think for one microsecond that you could stop me?"
Xander: "Maybe not. Maybe that security guard couldn't either. Or those cops... or the orderlies... But I'm kinda curious to find out. You game?"
Angelus: "Buffy's White Knight. You still love her. It must just eat you up that I got there first."
Xander: (after a quiet beat) "You're gonna die. And I'm gonna be there."

"'I aspire to help my fellow man.' Check. —As long as he's not smelly, dirty or something gross."
"Cordelia Chase, always ready to give a helping hand to the rich and the pretty.
"Which, lucky me, excludes you.
Twice."
Cordelia and Xander

"Goody! Research party!"
"Will, you need a life in the worst way."
Willow and Xander

"Yes, let's not jump to conclusions."
"I didn't jump. I took a tiny step and there conclusions were."
Giles and Buffy

"I'm not ashamed. It's the computer age. Nerds are in. They're still in, right?"
Willow

"Well, I sort of test well, you know, which is cool. Except that it leads to jobs."
Oz

Kendra: I study because it is required. The Slayer handbook insists on it.
Willow: There's a Slayer handbook?
Buffy: Wait. Handbook? What handbook? How come I don't have a handbook?
Willow: Is there a T-shirt, too? 'Cause that would be cool...
Giles: After meeting you, Buffy, I realized that, uh, the handbook would be of no use in your case.
Buffy: Well, what do you mean it would be of no use in my case? Wha-what's wrong with my case??

"I'd rather be worm food than look at your pathetic face!"
"Then go! I'm not stopping ya."
"I bet you wouldn't! I bet you'd let a girl go off to her doom all by herself!"
"Not just any girl.
You're special.
"I can't believe that I'm stuck spending what will probably be my last few moments on Earth here WITH YOU!"
"I
hope these are my last few moments! Three more seconds with you, and I'm gonna..."
(gets in his face) "'I'm gonna' what? Coward!"
"Moron!"
"I hate you!
"I HATE YOU!"
(they start kissing each other madly)
"We
so need to get outta here."
Cordelia and Xander

"I'm not really a computer person, you know. Or a work of any kind person."
"They why'd they select you?"
"Oh, I sorta test well. Y'know, which is cool. Except that it leads to jobs."
"Well, don't you have some ambition?"
"Oh, yeah, yeah! E-flat, diminished ninth."
"Huh?"
"Well, the E-flat, it's, it's doable, but that diminished ninth, y'know, it's a man's chord. You could lose a finger."
Oz and Willow

"There are no dead students here. This week."
Principal Snyder

"I don't take orders. I do things my way."
"No wonder you died."
Buffy and Kendra

"Oh! I know this one: 'Slaying entails certain sacrifices. Blah blah bitty blah. I'm so stuffy, give me a scone.'"
"It's as if you know me."
Buffy and Giles

"I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take over your whole house and start making these stupid little mini-pizzas. Now I like a mini-pizza, but I'm telling you..."
"Uh, Buffy! I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh... text."
Buffy and Giles

Cordelia: I don't get it. Buffy's the Slayer — shouldn't she have...
Xander: What, a license to kill?
Cordelia: Well, not for fun. But she's like this Superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her?
Cordelia: Right! Why can't we have one of those?"

"I'm going to kill them all. That ought to distract them."
Buffy

"You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry. Was that an offensive term? Should I say undead American?"
Buffy

"I can walk like a man but I'm not one."
Angel

"When Giles sends me on a mission, he says "please." And afterwards I get a cookie."
Buffy

"Angel is a good vampire! I mean, on a scale of one to ten, ten being someone who's killing and maiming every night, and one being someone who's not."
Willow

"What a day. Gimme a beer."
[deadpan] "ID."
[Anya glares at him]
[deadpan] "ID."
"I'M ELEVEN HUNDRED AND TWENTY YEARS OLD, just gimme a frickin' beer!"
[deadpan] "ID."
[sighs] "Gimme a Coke."
Anya and a bartender

"Hi, for those of you who just tuned in, everyone here is a crazy person."
Xander

"Whatever happened to Latin? At least when that made no sense, the church approved."
Giles

''"Have I ever let you down?"
"Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?"''
Buffy and Giles

"'Dear Buffy...' Hmmm. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards."
"Why don't you rip her lungs out? That might make an impression.
"Lacks... poetry."
"Doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?"
Angelus and Spike

"We're out of Wheat-a-Bix."
"We are out of Wheat-a-Bix because you ate it all. Again."
"Get some more."
"I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood."
"Yeah, well, sometimes I like to crumble up the Wheat-a-Bix in the blood. Gives it a little texture."
"Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself."
Spike and Giles

"And they say that young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but I've learned to be afraid."
Xander

"I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them."
"Then why are you talking to
me?"
"I don't have a date for the prom."
Anya and Xander

"Grave robbery? That's new. Interesting."
"I
know you meant to say gross and disturbing."
"Yes, yes, yes, of course. Terrible thing. Must put a stop to it. Damn it."
Giles and Buffy

"Eww! Why is it that every conversation you people have has the word "corpse" in it?"
Cordelia

''"I've never actually heard of anyone attacked by a lone baseball bat before."
"Maybe it's a vampire bat? [beat] I'm alone on that one, huh?"''
Giles and Xander

"A bear! You MADE A BEAR!"
"I didn't mean to!"
"UNDO IT! UNDO IT!"
Spike and Buffy

"You failed me.
"Let's not quibble about who failed who."
Adam and Spike

"I have no interest in you. Leave us."
"No, we're not going to
[imitates Dracula's accent] leave you. And where'd you get that accent, Sesame Street? Von, too, thee - thee victims! Ah ah ah!"
Dracula and Xander

"What are you doing here, Spike? Five words or less!"
"Out. For. A. Walk. [beat] Bitch."
Buffy and Spike

"Well, not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it?"
"We few, we happy few."
"We band of buggered."
Spike and Giles

"Examine my chip, or else Mister... [examines label] Fett here is the first to die."
"Hey, all right, let's not, let's not do anything crazy here."
Spike and Jonathan


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