Nobody plays the game better
But no one could play it much worse
You alone know these rules to the letter
And they spell out your mission and curse
Obsolete hardware from years ago
Finding it all is your aim
From thrift stores to eBay to antique road shows
Adventure is your favourite game
Oh, and Ashens is your naaaaame
But where will this lead in the end?
For no man is an island of tat
Perhaps what you need is a friend
Your mission's about to begin
If you don't lose then you might just win
We're rooting for you
You odd little bearded prat
Terrible hardware from years gone by
Worthless old relics you claim
Now don't give in and cry
Adventure is your favourite game
Oh, and Ashens is your name
— Theme tune
"I've seen the stuff you do on YouTube, you know! Reviewing bits of tat on a brown sofa? It's not exactly The Matrix, is it? Maybe the third one."
— Chef Excellence