Quotes / All Creatures Great and Small (1978)

Siegfried: That’s no problem.

Tristan: What?

Siegfried: For you, midnight oil. You’re as nocturnal as a cat!

Agent: And how the hell do you know? Are ye a qualified vet?

Tristan: No but…

Siegfried: I am! And my brother is perfectly right!

Agent: Is that a fact?

Siegfried: Yes, it is a fact. And his knowledge of the subject is more profound than my own!

…

Tristan: More profound than my own eh?

Siegfried: Of course, I’ve forgotten more than you’ll ever learn!

Tristan: Oh, don’t spoil it! Whiskey?

James: Bit young for you Tristan?

Tristan: Hmm, it’s the hero worship, I can’t resist. Bit of a new experience for me!

James: *laughs* You’ll come to a sticky end!

Tristan: But a happy one!

Siegfried: This is Mrs Herriot, my partner’s wife and the one who tries to bring some order to the chaos that is our lives, that is when she’s not working her fingers to the bone across the road at Mills!

Helen: Nice to meet you.

Siegfried: Ah, and this is my brother, the one responsible for the chaos!

Tristan: Lies, all lies. *shakes hands*

Tristan: You know I’d do anything for you James?

James: Well of course.

Tristan: Anything at all!

James: That’s what I thought!

Tristan: Except for one thing. I’m not going back in the car with that cat!

James: *unamused look*

[About the war]

Siegfried: When we get back, to whatever horror there is, I mean if the worst has happened. And I think it will have done. I want you to promise me one thing.

Tristan: What?

Siegfried: Don’t do anything damned foolish.

Tristan: Me?

Siegfried: I mean, don’t be a coward but don’t go in for any empty heroics.

Tristan: Well I’m not likely to.

Siegfried: On the contrary, it’s exactly the sort of damn foolish sort of nonsense you are likely to do and…well just don’t that’s all!

Tristan: Nor you Siegfried

Siegfried: Now, one other thing, I must insist we all carry our gas masks with us at all times!

Tristan: At all times?

Siegfried: Yes!

Tristan: Could be a bit difficult eh James?

Siegfried: Tristan, James really! There are ladies present!

Mrs Hall: I don’t know what he’s talking about!

Siegfried: I’m sorry, I’m not at my best at the moment.

Helen: I think you’re at your very best, *kisses him*, and I wouldn’t have you any other way.

James: Oh, I agree.

Tristan: Go on then, prove it! You kiss him too!

Siegfried: Could never work out why they didn’t give me that job you know.

Tristan: Couldn’t have anything to do with the fact you got blind drunk and wiped the windshield of your car with a dead chicken I suppose?

Siegfried: She’s younger brother’s latest conquest!

James: Really? I hadn’t heard.

Tristan: Well, I’m not one to natter on about my personal life, others do that for me!

James: Well since one good turn deserves another…

Tristan: *indicates empty glass*

James: Yes, you’re going to need a drink! I’m afraid you’ve drawn the short straw.

Tristan: You mean Siegfried’s drawn it for me?

James: Got it in one.

Tristan: So what’s the latest demonstration of brotherly love then?

Tristan: I know that dawn is the traditional time for settling these matters of honour but, I’d never get up in time!

Tristan: I think this is what’s known as collective responsibility. Siegfried loses the cat and everybody else has to find her.

James: Tristan, everything I ever try and do for Rowan Garth [his house] goes wrong. Everything Helen does goes right. Why is that?

Tristan: It’s one of the immutable laws of the universe: she’s a woman.

James: Siegfried has been in one of those silent, uncommunicative moods recently.

Tristan: That means he’s brooding.

James: …You haven’t been up to anything have you?

Tristan: I don’t know, have I?

Siegfried: if you think I’m going to have an attractive young thing here with you[Tris] in the house; you’re out of your mind!

Tristan: Uncle Herriot certainly has the bedtime manner down pat, doesn’t he?

James: Uncle Herriot will do you an injury if you don’t shut up!

Tristan: Wicked Uncle Herriot!

Siegfried: Tristan isn’t back yet.

James: What?

Siegfried: His bed hasn’t been slept in.

James: Good Lord, think they’ve had an accident?

Siegfried: I know exactly the sort of accident he’s had and I shall see to it personally that his recovery is prolonged and painful.

James: Oh God! You’ve been sick all over the passenger seat!

Tristan: Have I?

James: Yes you bloody well have!

Tristan: How very inconsiderate of me, I do apologise.

James: *glares*

Tristan: *woozily* Can I go into the house now please?

James: What is the point of me telling you things if you DON’T LISTEN! *storms out*

Siegfried: … Hmmm. Would you say our James has had something on his mind recently?

Tristan: Her name’s Helen. *Cheshire cat grin*

Siegfried: Oh. *smiles*

James: It’s the flu! You should be in bed.

Siegfried: Yes, I’m going.

Tristan: Well don’t worry and leave everything to us!

Siegfried: Ha. Give me a reason. Give me one good reason I shouldn’t worry leaving everything to you two? *leaves*

Tristan: Do you get the feeling sometimes Siegfried doesn’t trust us?

James: Yes!

Tristan: Good morning!

Siegfried: Is it? Must you be so hearty? Why is it whenever I’m ill you manage to become a generator of vitality? Why can’t you be your usual somnolent self?

Siegfried: James have you ever wondered why someone of my serene and even temperament is always going on at him?

James: Well, I always assumed it was because you were so very fond of him!

Siegfried: Oh, balderdash! It’s just his insufferable and totally unjustified confounded confidence! His macabre like conviction that things will always turn out well for him in the end! And you know the most maddening part of it James? They always seem to!

Siegfried: Let me know when you want to move your furniture and I’ll make sure little brother is completely available!

Mrs Hall: More bacon James?

James: No thanks.

Tristan: *steals some bacon*

Mrs Hall: I’ll cut your fingers off!

Tristan: *grins*

Siegfried: Now listen to me, with lambing time coming along I’d advise you to cancel your social life.

Siegfried: Tristan, it seems to me that there might be some profit in discussing whose turn it is to go out tonight!

Tristan: Oh, no discussion needed, it’s yours!

Siegfried: Strictly speaking you could say that but, er, don’t you think perhaps that these late calls are just the thing for a —conscientious student?

Tristan: Sorry, off to bed!

Siegfried: Tristan?

Tristan: Good night all!

Tristan: If you think Mrs Herriot’s a lady you should try playing her at backgammon!

…

Tristan: Right then how much?

James: Who won?

Tristan: Need you ask?

Helen: Well you seem to owe me…ten thousand one hundred and sixty pounds!

Tristan: I see. Will sixpence down, penny a week for the next two thousand years be alright?

Siegfried: Obviously one hates pointing out colleagues' faults!

James: Oh, I’d say you’ve been pretty forthcoming in that regard, don’t you think Tris?

Tristan: Yes, course it is for our own good James.

James: Mmm.

James: You’ll never be a millionaire Siegfried!

Siegfried: Oh, of course! Who’d want to be!

Tristan: I don’t know, think I might risk it.

Siegfried: Anyway James I couldn’t possibly send him!

Tristan: Why couldn’t you?

Siegfried: No James, do you realise the beer tents open at dawn and close at dusk! Do you realise the state he’d be in by noon? Staggering all over the place without a leg of his own!

James: Sorry!

Tristan: Huh. It’s a rare and beautiful thing; brotherly love!

Tristan: You don’t mind me coming with you James?

James: What, the state he’s [Siegfried] in? It would be an act of cruelty to leave you here!

Boy: He ain’t no colt! He’s a six year old stallion, Dancer!

James: Oh. Well I suppose we better have a look at him then.

Tristan: … Go ahead.

Tristan: I bumped into Angela today.

James: Oh, quite a traumatic occurrence?

Tristan: Not physically alas.

Siegfried: Mrs Hall occupies a position of privilege in this household Tristan.

Tristan: Mmm, that I never did.

Siegfried: What?!

Tristan: Don’t worry brother, I shall not defend myself and nip you where it hurts most! I shall retire to the Drover’s for a lonely pint and brood upon the injustices of the world and yourself in particular.

Siegfried: And get beastly drunk into the bargain I imagine.

Tristan: You should try and get to bed earlier James.

James: Well I seem to remember trying to several times! And being talked out of it!

Siegfried: So…he behaved himself on the trip did he?

James: Well that’s hardly a question to ask of his best friend is it?

Siegfried: It’s not an easy thing James, being someone’s brother.

James: No, I don’t suppose it is.

Siegfried: Especially when, to some extent, you have to be a father as well.

Mrs Hall: Now you’re sure you’ll alright?

Tristan: Fine, thanks.

Mrs Hall: I don’t know, what will you get up to next?

Tristan: The mind does boggle.

Tristan: Speaking of, have you seen Mrs Pumphrey recently?

James: Do you know what a non-sequitur is?

Tristan: Yes…well, not off hand.

Siegfried: The poor creature's practically moribund, I just don’t want you to be upset if we lose him.

Helen: Well I shall be, so there!

Tristan: He’s odd isn’t he?

James: Who?

Tristan: My brother. You have to admit he can be an absolute swine at times. But take the other night, I don’t mind admitting the whole business had me a bit groggy for a minute, I also expected Siegfried to rip my liver out on the spot! Not a bit of it! I think what I’m trying to say is, when the chips really are down he ah, how shall I say, emerges rather well.

James: You only just realised that?

Tristan: I suppose not. It’s really the nature of the beast. He does rather tend to make one dwell on the more alarming aspects of his character, at least as far as I’m concerned.

Tristan: You know what this means don’t you?

James: Yes! It means I won’t have to be the one to murder you after all; Siegfried will do it for me!

James: How will I recognise him?

Siegfried: Oh you shouldn’t have any trouble. He looks a bit like me I suppose. Except he’s a fresh faced kid with rings under his eyes. Bit like a debauched choir boy!

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