History Funny / Twilight

!![[Literature/{{Twilight}} Book series]]

!!!''Twilight''

* Bella on Edward:
--> "Stupid, shiny Volvo owner."
--> "Stupid, unreliable vampire."
* Bella on rain:
--> The birds were quiet too, the drops increasing in frequency [...] so it must be raining above.
* Bella in the morning:
--> I ate breakfast cheerily, watching the dust moats[sic] stirring in the sunlight that streamed in the back window.

!!!''New Moon''

* Edward invites Bella on a walk from her house. They stop just outside her backyard.
--> '''Bella:''' Some walk.
* Bella finds out Jacob and his friends wolf out, link it to the recent murders in the area, and confronts him about it.
-->'''Jacob:''' That's it? You're just afraid of me because I'm a murderer?
* Alice is weirded out by Bellas reaction to seeing Edward again.
-->'''Alice:''' ''(to Edward, about Bella)'' I think she's having hysterics. [[GetAHoldOfYourselfMan Maybe you should slap her]].
* Bella tells Edward she is just too young to get married.
--> '''Edward:''' Well, I'm nearly a hundred and ten. It's time I settled down.

!!!''Eclipse''

* When Bella has fractured her finger.
--> '''Emmett:''' Fall down again, Bella?
--> '''Bella:''' No, Emmett. I punched a werewolf in the face.
* Alice and Edward play chess, and because [[ScryVsScry one is a mind reader and the other can see his future actions]], the game is played almost entirely in their heads and is over by the second move.
* Edward drops Bella off at La Push.
--> '''Edward:''' You know, Jacob, if we weren't natural enemies and also you weren't trying to steal away the reason for my existence, I might like you.
--> '''Jacob:''' Maybe, if you weren't a disgusting vampire planning to suck the life out of the girl I love... well, not even then.
* Bella wants to get it on with Edward, who rejects her.
--> '''Bella:''' You won't sleep with me until we're married?
--> '''Edward:''' Technically I can't ever sleep with you.
--> '''Bella:''' Very mature, Edward.
* This whole conversation:
--> '''Charlie:''' You are being... [[TheTalk careful]]?
--> '''Bella:''' ''(horror)''

!!!''Breaking Dawn''
* How to settle disagreements about the wedding ceremony:
--> '''Alice''': I'll play you for it. Rock, paper, scissors.
--> '''Edward:''' Why don't you just tell me who wins?
--> '''Alice:''' I do. Excellent.

* Rosalie making a doggie dish out of a steel bowl for Jacob. Even Jacob concedes writing "Fido" on the side was ActuallyPrettyFunny -- before bouncing it off her head!
* Jacob warned Bella against having sex with Edward when he was at the wedding reception, and the next time he sees her again a couple of weeks later she is in the third trimester of a pregnancy that is eating all her food and kicking bruises into her skin and breaking her ribs.
--> '''Jacob''': I told you—
--> '''Bella''': Did you know that 'I told you so' has a brother, Jacob? His name is 'Shut the hell up.'
* When Jacob decides to preemptively follow Bella's plan to hint at Charlie as to what she's become, his introduction to the supernatural is phasing right in front of him. He does this by saying that he has something he needs to show Charlie, before proceeding to strip fully naked right in front of him.
* When Bella speculates that some vampire legends arose as a way to explain away infidelity, she imagines such a scenario.
--> No, honey, I'm not having an affair. That sexy woman you saw sneaking out of the house was an evil succubus. I'm lucky I escaped with my life!
* After Sam sends Jared to try and guilt Leah and Seth into leaving Jacob's pack and Jacob defends them, he (Jacob) then asks for their feedback after Jared leaves, and whether he ought to have said anything else. Leah suggests he could have hit Jared.
--> '''Leah:''' I wouldn't have minded that.
* Jacob instantly getting Bella's reasoning when Edward explains that she won't abort the fetus.
--> '''Jacob:''' Of course. Die for the monster spawn. It was so Bella.
** Him wondering if Edward's really losing his mind when witnessing his bizarre behaviour.


!!Film series

!!!''Twilight''

* Edward is telling Bella what's on the minds of people at a restaurant:
--> "Money... Sex... Money... Sex... Cat."
* Charlie tells Bella to bring Edward in as he cocks a shotgun.
* "...I had an adrenaline rush. It's very common. You can Google it."
* "This is the skin of a killer, Bella!" [[BishieSparkle *sparkles*]]
* Bella accidentally whacking Jacob with the door of her truck as she first opens it.
* During the baseball scene, Bella (the umpire) declares Rosalie out. Rosalie's response is a very angry DeathGlare at Bella.
* When Bella meets the family, they are making Italian for her. Before she walks in, Rosalie asks if Bella is even Italian, to which Emmett replies "Her name's Bella" in a 'duh' voice.
** Shortly after Bella enters the kitchen, Emmett casually waves the knife he is holding at her.
* When Bella pepper sprays James, his reaction is to NoSell the pepper spray with a look of mild annoyance on his face.

!!!''New Moon''

* Bella jumping off the cliff. She goes cross-eyed!
* Jessica's analyses of the zombie film she and Bella watched, proving herself to be the more intelligent of those two.
* Facepunch, the movie Bella, Jacob, and Mike went to see:
--> "Drop your gun or I'm gonna blow your freakin' head off!"
--> "''You'' drop ''your'' gun or I'm gonna blow ''your'' freakin' head off!"
--> "Both of you drop your guns or I'm gonna blow both your freakin' heads off!"
** [[Podcast/RiffTrax "I love David Mamet dialogue."]]
* Jacob goes full DeadpanSnarker on Bella when she brings him a couple of busted up bikes to fix:
-->'''Jacob:''' Scrap metal. You shouldn't have.
* The shot of the vampires and Bella in the lift together. It's the completely serious look on everybody's face.
* Aro's spontaneous laugh.

!!!''Eclipse''

*
--> '''Jacob:''' ''(deadpan voice)'' I kissed Bella ... and she broke her hand ... punching my face.
** And when Bella's getting her hand fixed up:
--> '''Emmett:''' What, did you try to walk and chew gum at the same time again, Bella?
--> '''Bella:''' I punched a werewolf in the face.
--> '''Emmett:''' Bad-''ass''.
* Bella says Edward is 'old school'. Charlie asks her if it's code. Bella is then royally grossed out.
** Even better is the way that Bella abruptly ends that discussion and Charlie's dumbfounded reaction afterwards.
--> '''Bella:''' DAD! I'M STILL A VIRGIN!
--> Several {{Beat}}s as Charlie has no clue how to respond while Bella storms out of the room.
--> '''Charlie:''' I'm starting to like Edward a little more now.
* The somewhat meta awesome of:
--> '''Edward:''' Doesn't he own a shirt?

!!!''Breaking Dawn''
* The speeches given by Emmett, Jessica, [[PapaWolf Charlie]] and [[CloudCuckooLander Renee]] at Edward & Bella's wedding reception.
* Seth 90% of the time. Mixes this with being completely {{Adorkable}}.
* Charlie is baffled to see what he thought was a mural at the Cullen house is a collection of the ''many'' graduation caps they've collected over the years. Renee just gives it a look and laughs "how creative" as she walks off.
* At the wedding reception, Charlie is very subtly trying to hit on Sue Clearwater and offers to get her a glass of fancy champagne. Billy picks up on it anyway despite his discretion and cockblocks hilariously by turning his wheelchair around and nearly driving over Charlie's toes, forcing both Sue and Charlie to make some distance between themselves.
* The scene where Bella drinks fresh human blood out of a plastic cup and remarks how good it is was either this or complete {{Squick}} for most of the audience.
* Jacob's reaction to the name Renesmee.
** Bella's reaction to the name Nessie.
*** Everyone together now in three, two, one: '''[[FlatWhat YOU NICKNAMED MY DAUGHTER AFTER]]''' '''[[{{Narm}}AFTER THE LOCH NESS MONSTER?!]]'''
*** Jacob's defense:
--->'''Jacob:''' It's not like that! If it was, Edward would have already killed me!
--->'''Edward:''' I'm still on the fence about that.
*** Even better, at the end when they're finally friends, Jacob pokes Edward about it a bit.
-->'''Jacob:''' Should I call you "Dad"?
-->'''Edward:''' No
* Come on, nobody mentions Bianca getting dragged off for her grammar and spelling mistakes?
* RealLife version--the director for this and ''Part 2'' admitted to USA Today that he had to work closely with Taylor Lautner to keep the Renesmee stuff as Squick-less as possible.
* Bella's "getting ready to have sex" montage.
* TheStinger with the Volturi.
--> "By the way my dear, it's Carlisle...with an [[SssssnakeTalk ssssssssssssssssss]]"
** The entire Volturi scene. As [[WebVideo/TheSpoonyExperiment Spoony]] put it (in his best Creator/TimCurry voice), "Ooh, oh, I'm so gay, and I spend all my time sitting on a throne wearing a black robe doing nothing."
* The entire scene where Jacob makes a speech about showing Charlie something that will change how he views the world, while slowly stripping off his own clothes. He just doesn't want to ruin them when he [[BrokenMasquerade turns into a giant wolf]], but it's clear that Charlie [[OneDialogueTwoConversations thinks Jacob is intending to proposition him]].
* [[spoiler: The final battle turns out to be a vision Aro saw within Alice's mind.]] Tell me of a theater room which played this film and didn't get filled with laughter because of the massively trollish MoodWhiplash from this scene.
** When this troper saw it, the elderly woman sitting in front of her at the theater stood up and did this:
-->'''Elderly Woman''': ''(shaking fist)'' THAT WASN'T FUNNY!
* Aro's {{Squee}} upon seeing Renesmee.
** ... will have you in such uncontrollable hysterics you can't even remember how he sounded.
** So funny that both Creator/BradJones and [[WebVideo/TheSpoonyExperiment Noah Antwiler]] ''fell out of their chairs'' laughing in the theater.
** So funny that the guys on the Podcast/RiffTrax admit they couldn't possibly say anything to make it any better.
** Also the follow-up scene when Aro is examining Renesmee and still giggling like a moron. Renesmee looks at Bella with a face that clearly says, "Is he always like this?" and Bella responds with a face that says, "I'm afraid so."
* Maybe it's just me, but something about Jacob's fearful attempt to explain himself to Bella about [[spoiler: imprinting on Renesmee]] was really hilarious.
** And Bella sounding just as outraged about the Nessie nickname as the imprinting itself.
** Really, everything about this scene is hilarious - Rosalie and Emmett are both gleefully anticipating Bella's reaction to Jacob's imprinting. Then Jacob gets dragged outside by Bella and Bella kicks Jacob's ass. Jacob rationalizes that imprinting is something he can't help, and that Edward hasn't killed him for it so Bella shouldn't either - only for Edward to note that he's still debating it. All the Cullens become mildly amused at Bella's new strength as she continues to wail on Jacob. Then Esme advises Edward to stop Bella, to which he casually responds, "[Jacob] said he can handle it." THEN Jacob mentions the nickname...
* When Bella and Edward present Charlie with a fishing trip for Christmas [[spoiler: as an excuse to keep him away from the upcoming showdown with the Volturi]], he jokingly asks "trying to get rid of me, eh?" The two of them fumble around for a bit, attempting to think up a lie, then he responds "because it worked!"
* A couple involving Wolf-Sam in Alice's vision battle. First, after the fissure gets opened in the middle of the battlefield, there's a shot of Sam leaping across the fissure and tackling a Volturi {{Mook}} hard enough to literally knock the guy's shoes off. Secondly, when Alice tosses Jane down in front of Sam, he's casually carrying the severed hand of another Volturi {{Mook}} in his mouth.
** It should be noted that the reason he's so aggressive in the first place is because some Volturi just killed his ex-girlfriend and her brother.

** Really, everything about this scene is hilarious - Rosalie and Emmett are both gleefully anticipating Bella's reaction to Jacob's imprinting. Then Jacob gets dragged outside by Bella and Bella kicks Jacob's ass. Jacob rationalizes that imprinting is something he can't help, and that Edward hasn't killed him for it so Bella shouldn't either - only for Edward to not that he's still debating it. All the Cullens become mildly amused at Bella's new strength as she continues to wail on Jacob. Then Esme advises Edward to stop Bella, to which he casually responds, "[Jacob] said he can handle it." THEN Jacob mentions the nickname...

!!Book series

-->'''Jacob:''' It's not like that! If it was, Edward would have already killed me!
-->'''Edward:''' I'm still on the fence about that.

* The scene where Jasper's giving lessons on fighting newborns, while quite possibly rife with some of the most amazingly awesome and well-choreographed fight scenes the series will likely ever see, also gave us this genuinely chuckleworthy line courtesy of Jasper. Bear in mind, [[RetiredBadass he used to train newborns for several years after fighting in the Civil War for an unspecified number of months]]. Yes, ''that'' Civil War.
--> '''Jasper:''' Rule number one... never turn your back on your enemy.

!!!''Life and Death: Twilight Reimagined (10th Anniversary Special)''

* Twilight goes full Rule 63 (barring Bella's parents). Enough said.
** The names. If you thought that Edward was old fashioned, guess what his genderbents's called. Edythe. Not Edith, ''Edythe''.
*** And Bella is now Beau.

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-->'''Alice:''' ''(to Edward, about Bella)'' I think she's having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her.

* In the film, Jacob goes full DeadpanSnarker on Bella when she brings him a couple of busted up bikes to fix:
-->'''Jacob:''' Scrap metal. You shouldn't have.

-->'''Edward:''' [[BluntNo No.]]

* RealLife version--the director for this and Part 2 admitted to USA Today that he had to work closely with Taylor Lautner to keep the Renesmee stuff as Squick-less as possible.

* The speeches given by Emmett, Jessica, Charlie and Renee at Edward & Bella's wedding reception.

** The entire Volturi scene. As [[WebVideo/TheSpoonyExperiment Spoony]] put it (in his best TimCurry voice), "Ooh, oh, I'm so gay, and I spend all my time sitting on a throne wearing a black robe doing nothing."

** It should be noted that the reason he's so aggressive in the first place is because some Volturi just killed his ex-girlfriend and her brother.
* The flashback where the Volturi kill a vampire by tearing her apart. Might have been NightmareFuel, if her limbs and head didn't simply ''pop off'' as if they were fixed in place with ball joints, like a G.I. Joe figure. Then they pick up the vampire/immortal child and ''throw it in a bonfire'' though it's so blatantly obvious that what Jane tosses in the fire is a ragdoll. It's all so jarring and weird it becomes hilarious. ''Classic'' {{narm}}.

** The entire Volturi scene. As [[TheSpoonyExperiment Spoony]] put it (in his best TimCurry voice), "Ooh, oh, I'm so gay, and I spend all my time sitting on a throne wearing a black robe doing nothing."

** So funny that both Creator/BradJones and [[TheSpoonyExperiment Noah Antwiler]] ''fell out of their chairs'' laughing in the theater.

** [[{{Rifftrax}} "I love David Mamet dialogue."]]

** So funny that the guys on the {{RiffTrax}} admit they couldn't possibly say anything to make it any better.

!!!''Life and Death: Twilight Reimagined''

* Twilight goes full Rule 63. Enough said.
** The names; If you thought that Edward was old fashioned, guess what she's called now ? Edythe. Not Edith, ''Edythe''.

!!!''Life and Death: Twilight Reimagined''

* Twilight goes full Rule 63. Enough said.
** The names; If you thought that Edward was old fashioned (unlikely) or not, guess what she's called now ? Edythe. Not Edith, ''Edythe''.

* Twilight goes full Rule 63. Enough said.

!!!'''Twilight Re-imagined: Life and Death'''

* Twilight meets Rule 63. Nuff' said.

* The flashback where the Volturi kill a vampire by tearing her apart. Might have been NightmareFuel, if her limbs and head didn't simply ''pop off'' as if they were fixed in place with ball joints, like a G.I. Joe figure. Then they pick up the vampire/immortal child and ''throw it in a bonfire'' though it's so blatantly obvious that what Jane tosses in the fire is a ragdoll. It's all so jarring and weird it becomes hilarious. ''Classic'' {{narm}}.