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Twilight Bella on Edward:
"Stupid, shiny Volvo owner."
"Stupid, unreliable vampire."
Bella on rain:
The birds were quiet too, the drops increasing in frequency [...] so it must be raining above.
Bella in the morning:
I ate breakfast cheerily, watching the dust motes stirring in the sunlight that streamed in the back window.
New Moon Edward invites Bella on a walk from her house. They stop just outside her backyard.
Bella: Some walk.
Jacob: That's it? You're just afraid of me because I'm a murderer?
Alice: (to Edward, about Bella) I think she's having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her.
Bella tells Edward she is just too young to get married.
Edward: Well, I'm nearly a hundred and ten. It's time I settled down.
Emmett: Fall down again, Bella?
Bella: No, Emmett. I punched a werewolf in the face.
Alice and Edward play chess, and because one is a mind reader and the other can see his future actions, the game is played almost entirely in their heads and is over by the second move.
Edward: You know, Jacob, if we weren't natural enemies and also you weren't trying to steal away the reason for my existence, I might like you.
Jacob: Maybe, if you weren't a disgusting vampire planning to suck the life out of the girl I love... well, not even then.
Bella: You won't sleep with me until we're married?
Edward: Technically I can't ever sleep with you.
Bella: Very mature, Edward.
This whole conversation:
Alice: I'll play you for it. Rock, paper, scissors.
Edward: Why don't you just tell me who wins?
Alice: I do. Excellent.
Rosalie making a doggie dish out of a steel bowl for Jacob. Even Jacob concedes writing "Fido" on the side was Actually Pretty Funny — before bouncing it off her head!
New Moon Bella jumping off the cliff. She goes cross-eyed!
Jessica's analyses of the zombie film she and Bella watched, proving herself to be the more intelligent of those two.
Facepunch, the movie Bella, Jacob, and Mike went to see:
"Drop your gun or I'm gonna blow your freakin' head off!"
You drop your gun or I'm gonna blow your freakin' head off!"
"Both of you drop your guns or I'm gonna blow both your freakin' heads off!"
Jacob: (deadpan voice) I kissed Bella ... and she broke her hand ... punching my face.
And when Bella's getting her hand fixed up:
Emmett: What, did you try to walk and chew gum at the same time again, Bella?
Bella: I punched a werewolf in the face.
Emmett: Bad- ass.
Bella says Edward is 'old school'. Charlie asks her if it's code. Bella is then royally grossed out.
Even better is the way that Bella abruptly ends that discussion and Charlie's dumbfounded reaction afterwards.
Bella: DAD! I'M STILL A VIRGIN!
as Charlie has no clue how to respond while Bella storms out of the room.
Charlie: I'm starting to like Edward a little more now.
The somewhat meta awesome of:
Edward: Doesn't he own a shirt?
The scene where Jasper's giving lessons on fighting newborns, while quite possibly rife with some of the most amazingly awesome and well-choreographed fight scenes the series will likely ever see, also gave us this genuinely chuckleworthy line courtesy of Jasper. Bear in mind, he used to train newborns for several years after fighting in the Civil War for an unspecified number of months. Yes, that Civil War.
Jasper: Rule number one... never turn your back on your enemy.
The speeches given by Emmett, Jessica, Charlie and Renee at Edward & Bella's wedding reception.
Seth 90% of the time. Mixes this with being completely Adorkable.
The scene where Bella drinks fresh human blood out of a plastic cup and remarks how good it is was either this or complete Squick for most of the audience.
Jacob's reaction to the name Renesmee.
Bella's reaction to the name Nessie.
Come on, nobody mentions Bianca getting dragged off for her grammar and spelling mistakes?
Real Life version—the director for this and Part 2 admitted to USA Today that he had to work closely with Taylor Lauter to keep the Renesmee stuff as Squick-less as possible.
Bella's "getting ready to have sex" montage.
The Stinger with the Volturi.
The entire Volturi scene. As Spoony put it (in his best Tim Curry voice), "Ooh, oh, I'm so gay, and I spend all my time sitting on a throne wearing a black robe doing nothing."
The entire scene where Jacob makes a speech about showing Charlie something that will change how he views the world, while slowly stripping off his own clothes. He just doesn't want to ruin them when he turns into a giant wolf, but it's clear that Charlie thinks Jacob is intending to proposition him.
The final battle turns out to be a vision Aro saw within Alice's mind. Tell me of a theater room which played this film and didn't get filled with laughter because of the massively trollish Mood Whiplash from this scene.
Aro's Squee! upon seeing Renesmee.
... will have you in such uncontrollable hysterics you can't even remember how he sounded.
So funny that both Brad Jones and Noah Antwiler fell out of their chairs laughing in the theater.
Maybe it's just me, but something about Jacob's fearful attempt to explain himself to Bella about imprinting on Renesmee was really hilarious.
And Bella sounding just as outraged about the Nessie nickname as the imprinting itself.
When Bella and Edward present Charlie with a fishing trip for Christmas as an excuse to keep him away from the upcoming showdown with the Volturi, he jokingly asks "trying to get rid of me, eh?" The two of them fumble around for a bit, attempting to think up a lie, then he responds "because it worked!"
A couple involving Wolf-Sam in Alice's vision battle. First, after the fissure gets opened in the middle of the battlefield, there's a shot of Sam leaping across the fissure and tackling a Volturi Mook hard enough to literally knock the guy's shoes off. Secondly, when Alice tosses Jane down in front of Sam, he's casually carrying the severed hand of another Volturi Mook in his mouth.
The flashback where the Volturi kill a vampire by tearing her apart. Might have been Nightmare Fuel, if her limbs and head didn't simply pop off as if they were fixed in place with ball joints, like a G.I. Joe figure. Then they pick up the vampire-hybrid kid and throw it in a bonfire. It's all so jarring and weird it becomes hilarious. Classic narm.