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Funny: Twilight

"Stupid, shiny Volvo owner."
"Stupid, unreliable vampire."
Edward is telling Bella what's on the minds of people at a restaurant:
"Money... Sex... Money... Sex... Cat."
- Ironically, Edward was quite distressed at that point in time. Narm or mild Tear Jerker, take your pick.

Alice (to Edward, about Bella): I think she's having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her.
Bella tells Edward she is just too young to get married.
Edward: Well, I'm nearly a hundred and ten. It's time I settled down.

Emmett: Fall down again, Bella?
Bella: No, Emmett. I punched a werewolf in the face.
Alice and Edward play chess, and because one is a mind reader and the other can see his future actions, the game is played almost entirely in their heads and is over by the second move.
Edward: You know, Jacob, if we weren't natural enemies and also you weren't trying to steal away the reason for my existence, I might like you.
Jacob: Maybe, if you weren't a disgusting vampire planning to suck the life out of the girl I love... well, not even then.
Bella: You won't sleep with me until we're married?
Edward: Technically I can't ever sleep with you.
Bella: Very mature, Edward.
This whole conversation:
Charlie: You are being... careful?
Bella: (horror)
The scene where Jasper's giving lessons on fighting newborns, while quite possibly rife with some of the most amazingly awesome and well-choreographed fight scenes the series will likely ever see, also gave us this genuinely chuckleworthy line courtesy of Jasper. Bear in mind, he used to train newborns for several years after fighting in the Civil War for an unspecified number of months. Yes, that Civil War.
Jasper: Rule number one... never turn your back on your enemy.

Alice: I'll play you for it. Rock, paper, scissors.
Edward: Why don't you just tell me who wins?
Alice: I do. Excellent.

Rosalie making a doggie dish out of a steel bowl for Jacob. Even Jacob concedes writing "Fido" on the side was pretty funny— before bouncing it off her head!

Charlie tells Bella to bring Edward in as he cocks a shotgun.
"...I had an adrenaline rush. It's very common. You can Google it."
"This is the skin of a killer, Bella!" *sparkles*
Bella accidentally whacking Jacob with the door of her truck as she first opens it.

Bella jumping off the cliff. She goes cross-eyed!
Jessica's analyses of the zombie film she and Bella watched.
Facepunch, the movie Bella, Jacob, and Mike went to see:
"Drop your gun or I'm gonna blow your freakin' head off!"
"You drop your gun or I'm gonna blow your freakin' head off!"
"Both of you drop your guns or I'm gonna blow both your freakin' heads off!"
- "I love David Mamet dialogue."

Jacob: (deadpan voice) I kissed Bella ... and she broke her hand ... punching my face.
- And when Bella's getting her hand fixed up:
Emmett: What, did you try to walk and chew gum at the same time again, Bella?
Bella: I punched a werewolf in the face.
Emmett: Bad-ass.
Bella says Edward is 'old school'. Charlie asks her if it's code. Bella is then royally grossed out.
The somewhat meta awesome of:
Edward: Doesn't he own a shirt?

The speeches given by Emmett, Jessica, Charlie and Renee at Edward & Bella's wedding reception.
Seth 90% of the time. Mixes this with being completely Adorkable.
The scene where Bella drinks fresh human blood out of a plastic cup and remarks how good it is was either this or complete Squick for most of the audience.
Jacob's reaction to the name Renesmee.
Come on, nobody mentions Bianca getting dragged off for her grammar and spelling mistakes?
Real Life version—the director for this and Part 2 admitted to USA Today that he had to work closely with Taylor Lauter to keep the Renesmee stuff as Squick-less as possible.
Bella's "getting ready to have sex" montage.
The Stinger with the Volturi.
"By the way my dear, it's Carlisle...with an ssssssssssssssssss~"//