History Funny / PeepShow

'''Mark:''' ''[[[MoodWhiplash suddenly calm]]]'' Oh, I see...Oh. \\

--> '''Jez:''' No, mum, I'm not coming in for my fucking tea! You can eat it all by your fucking self!

--->'''Super-Hans:''' Don't do it, it's the Heart of Darkness in there Jez! [...] I just wanna mong out with a tuna sandwich and listen to some Snow Patrol, be in a controlled environment, y'know?

--> '''Mark:''' This is definitely the way to the hotel. I haven't been walking around in cricles for the last hour. That would be ridiculous. That's just not going to happen. That tree does look very familiar. Don't panic! Of course it does! It's just a tree, they all look alike. That's why you don't have celebrity trees. Actually, I bet soon they will have celebrity trees. Tsk!
---> '''Jeremy:''' I really wish I hadn't smoked that joint before I came out here. It's a very bad time to have the munchies. I don't want to be the first person to die of the munchies [...] Wow! A dead...big rabbit?! My god that is a massive rabbit. Maybe I should eat it. Why not? It's meat. If it was shaved and had its head and feet cut off, and put in a polystyrene tray, it would probably go for £11.99 in Tesco's Finest. Plus, it's probably really healthy. Cavemen lived off stuff like this and they weren't going around complaining of bad backs and diabetes. They were running away from lions and hiding in trees and jumping on gazelles. Yeah! Lovely, rotting carrion. ''(Lifts a stick and begins poking it)'' I could toast it with my lighter for a bit, part by part. Big rabbit kebab. Be something to tell people. Although, not necessarily in a good way. Actually... might leave it. Not because it's probably bursting with maggots, because it's disrespectful ''(lifts it up)'' to a fallen comrade of the night. God speed you, oh giant rabbit. ''(he throws it into a bush)''

---> '''Jez:''' Here you go mate, go and see the second half. It's shit!

---> '''Mark:''' Good one, mate.
---> '''Inner voice:''' When was the last time Sophie sent you a template, [[PrecisionFStrike fuckface?]]

---> '''Jeremy:''' Mark, [[HoYay if I have to fuck you to fuck her, I will.]] So you be careful where you stand.

---> '''Super Hans:'''I'm gonna' Jackson Pollock these mother-fuckers! [[LeeroyJenkins SUPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRHANNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSS]].

---> '''Jeff:''' ...so basically, man is programmed to do two things: kill and knob. In the Stone Age, you'd get up, kill an antelope...
---> '''Jeremy:''' ...[[BestialityIsDepraved and knob]] [[ILoveTheDead the corpse]].
---> *{{Beat}}*
---> '''Jeff (unsure of how to properly react):''' ...No, Jez.

---> '''Mark:''' Ok. Fetherlite. Don't want him to enjoy it any more than is strictly necessary. Ultra Strong. Yeah, he won't feel a thing. But then maybe he'll last longer and- oh, Jesus, this is a minefield. Serve him right if I prick them all with pins...and then Sophie got pregnant and therefore he ended up getting married. Got to think through these plans more. I'll just go for these: coloured. At least it'll make him look faintly ridiculous. I win...[[PokeThePoodle in the most minor way possible]].

---> '''Jeremy:''' Bloody hell... that is ''so'' Gerrard.

---> '''Therapist''': Okay, let's start with an obvious one. Work.
---> '''Mark''': (Snake-pit.) Snake... charmer.
---> '''Therapist''': Just say the first thing that comes to mind. Money.
---> '''Mark''': (Everything.) ...not everything.
---> '''Therapist''': Children.
---> '''Mark''': (Blind.) Uh, short.
---> '''Therapist''': Father.
---> '''Mark''': (Führer.) Football.
---> '''Therapist''': Mother.
---> '''Mark''': (Sophie.) [[ThatCameOutWrong Fuck!]] No, not fuck!

---> '''Super Hans''': Listen. I thought we'd hang here for a bit, little stroll down Oxford Street, take in the funny T-shirts, hit up one of my fave Prets, more juice, bit of a relax, then this avo, shopping, relax, juice and then Tussauds. They've got a waxwork of Zoella and some other wicked YouTubers.

---> '''Super Hans''', picking up a pint: Just to wet the whistle...oh, that is quite refreshing.
---> '''Super Hans''': OH! I just wanna fuck and suck, fuck and suck, FUCK AND SUCK--everyone! ''(everyone joins in)'' I just wanna fuck and suck, all the whole night through! ''(Hans on his own)'' I love cocaine, I LOVE COCAIIIINE!

--> '''Mark:''' Where's the turkey, Jeremy? \\

---> '''Jeremy:''' Hans. Super Hans, I've known Hans for many a year now. It's been a long road and now, as you've found Molly, er, and I don't really want to get into this, but I've started it now, but I'm going to bring it round, so don't worry. People said Molly wasn't right for you. That she was a downer. But you know what? If someone loves someone, he just loves them. And if that person is considered to be a downer, or even a yawn-a-thon, who cares? And even if someone loves another man, or, what's in a name? Or gender? Is it possible to love two people at once? Three? Four is ''surely'' the limit. But is it? What is love anyway? Is it, er, an act, or a feeling or, who am I to speak? Who are you to listen? Why is a marriage a marriage? But society says it's wrong for two men to love one another even though now it says it says that now it's OK? Is it OK because society says it's OK? What next? Dogs getting married? Could I marry my ''own son''? No. Possibly not? Correct. Or is it? What I'm trying to say is that people should do whatever they want to do, at a temperature that suits them, within limits. Thank you.

'''Jeremy:''' ''[flatly]'' [[RantInducingSlight I thought you were getting the turkey]]. \\

---> '''Jeremy:''' Mark, [[HoYay if I have to fuck you to fuck her]], I will. So you be careful where you stand.

* Jeremy [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYOHzAAwaW4 finding out that]] Mark is pedo''[[BaitAndSwitch phobe]]'', complete with [[PaedoHunt the obvious initial misunderstanding]].

* Super Hans' absurd wedding vows in Season 9's second episode 'Gregory's Beard':

---> '''Jeremy:''' Hans. Super Hans, I've known Hans for many a year now. It's been a long road and now, as you've found Molly, er, and I don't really want to get into this, but I've started it now, but I'm going to bring it round, so don't worry. People said Molly wasn't right for you. That she was a downer. But you know what? If someone loves someone, he just loves them. And if that person is considered to be a downer, or even a yawn-a-thon, who cares? And even if someone loves another man, or, what's in a name? Or gender? Is it possible to love two people at once? Three? Four is surely the limit. But is it? What is love anyway? Is it, er, an act, or a feeling or, who am I to speak? Who are you to listen? Why is a marriage a marriage? But society says it's wrong for two men to love one another even though now it says it says that now it's OK? Is it OK because society says it's OK? What next? Dogs getting married? Could I marry my own son? No. Possibly not? Correct. Or is it? What I'm trying to say is that people should do whatever they want to do, at a temperature that suits them, within limits. Thank you.

** Jeremy's nonsensical best man speech that soon follows perhaps is even funnier:

----> '''Jeremy:''' Hans. Super Hans, I've known Hans for many a year now. It's been a long road and now, as you've found Molly, er, and I don't really want to get into this, but I've started it now, but I'm going to bring it round, so don't worry. People said Molly wasn't right for you. That she was a downer. But you know what? If someone loves someone, he just loves them. And if that person is considered to be a downer, or even a yawn-a-thon, who cares? And even if someone loves another man, or, what's in a name? Or gender? Is it possible to love two people at once? Three? Four is surely the limit. But is it? What is love anyway? Is it, er, an act, or a feeling or, who am I to speak? Who are you to listen? Why is a marriage a marriage? But society says it's wrong for two men to love one another even though now it says it says that now it's OK? Is it OK because society says it's OK? What next? Dogs getting married? Could I marry my own son? No. Possibly not? Correct. Or is it? What I'm trying to say is that people should do whatever they want to do, at a temperature that suits them, within limits. Thank you.

---> '''Jeremy:''' Hans. Super Hans, I've known Hans for many a year now. It's been a long road and now, as you've found Molly, er, and I don't really want to get into this, but I've started it now, but I'm going to bring it round, so don't worry. People said Molly wasn't right for you. That she was a downer. But you know what? If someone loves someone, he just loves them. And if that person is considered to be a downer, or even a yawn-a-thon, who cares? And even if someone loves another man, or, what's in a name? Or gender? Is it possible to love two people at once? Three? Four is surely the limit. But is it? What is love anyway? Is it, er, an act, or a feeling or, who am I to speak? Who are you to listen? Why is a marriage a marriage? But society says it's wrong for two men to love one another even though now it says it says that now it's OK? Is it OK because society says it's OK? What next? Dogs getting married? Could I marry my own son? No. Possibly not? Correct. Or is it? What I'm trying to say is that people should do whatever they want to do, at a temperature that suits them, within limits. Thank you.

--->'''Super Hans:''' I'm getting married. And I would punch in the throat anyone who tried to stop me. That is how I feel today, Molly. So suffused with love, I'd put a glass in the face of anyone who tried to stop us joining our souls together. I'd hospitalise them.

---> [Jeremy gets up to give the best man's speech]\\
'''Jeremy:''' Hans. Super Hans, I've known Hans for many a year now. It's been a long road and now, as you've found Molly, er, and I don't really want to get into this, but I've started it now, but I'm going to bring it round, so don't worry. People said Molly wasn't right for you. That she was a downer. But you know what? If someone loves someone, he just loves them. And if that person is considered to be a downer, or even a yawn-a-thon, who cares? And even if someone loves another man, or, what's in a name? Or gender? Is it possible to love two people at once? Three? Four is surely the limit. But is it? What is love anyway? Is it, er, an act, or a feeling or, who am I to speak? Who are you to listen? Why is a marriage a marriage? But society says it's wrong for two men to love one another even though now it says it says that now it's OK? Is it OK because society says it's OK? What next? Dogs getting married? Could I marry my own son? No. Possibly not? Correct. Or is it? What I'm trying to say is that people should do whatever they want to do, at a temperature that suits them, within limits. Thank you.\\
'''Jeremy:'''(Pretty sure someone's going to print that speech on a tea towel someday. Yeah, eat that, Obama. Fuck off, Mandela. Take that, Mark, I'm the best man. I'm the best man who ever lived.)

--->'''Super Hans:''' I'm getting married. And I would punch in the throat anyone who tried to stop me. That is how I feel today, Molly. So suffused with love, I'd put a glass in the face of anyone who tried to stop us joining our souls together. I'd hospitalise them.

* Mark getting his lip caught in a binder clip.

* Mark getting his lip caught in a bulldog clip.

'''Mark:''' No it wasn't. I apologise.

---> '''Inner voice:'''When was the last time Sophie sent you a template, [[PrecisionFStrike fuckface?]]

* "FLOSS IS BOSS!"

* [[https://soundcloud.com/do_it_naturally/peep-show-mitchell-and-webb-this-is-outrageous Jeremy's "song"]] that plays in the first episode. The entirity of it is just utterly [[StylisticSuck rubbish]] yet it's too funny.

* The Megatron.

* In one of the extras for series 1, you get to hear the full version of Jeremy's... "song". One of the lines is, "No, mum, I'm not coming in for my fucking tea! You can eat it all by your fucking self!"

* Jeff intimidates Mark into buying condoms for Jeff and Sophie. Mark's inner dialogue:
---> '''Mark:''' Ok. Fetherlite. Don't want him to enjoy it any more than is strictly necessary. Ultra Strong. Yeah, he won't feel a thing. But then maybe he'll last longer and- oh, Jesus, this is a minefield. Serve him right if I prick them all with pins...and then Sophie got pregnant and therefore he ended up getting married. Got to think through these plans more. I'll just go for these: colored. At least it'll make him look faintly ridiculous. I win...[[PokeThePoodle in the most minor way possible]].

---> '''Super Hans''': Listen. I thought we'd hang here for a bit, little stroll down Oxford Street, take in the funny T-shirts, hit up one of my fave Prets, more juice, bit of a relax, then this avo, shopping, relax, juice and then Tussauds. They've got a waxwork of Zoella and some other wicked Youtubers.

---> '''Super Hans''': OH! I just wanna fuck and suck, fuck and suck, FUCK AND SUCK--everyone! ''(everyone joins in)'' I just wanna fuck and suck, all the whole night through! ''(Hans on his own)'' I love cocaine, I LOVE COCAIIIINE!