Funny / Now and Again

  • In the pilot, when Michael first wakes up in his new body and thinks he's alone, his first impulse is to check his package. He doesn't know about the scientists on the other side of the two-way mirror.
    Michael: Holy crap!
    (all the scientists start clapping and cheering)
    Theo: Damn right! Made in America, baby, made in America!
  • When Theo's agents capture Roger, who thinks Michael's his old self reincarnated, they're at a loss for what to do with him.
    Theo: What's this knucklehead talking about?
    Special Agent #1: He thinks you're God, Wiseman's been reincarnated, and I'm some kind of burning bush. You still want me to kill him?
    Theo: (grunts)
    Special Agent #1: Well, he's awfully annoying. And he does work for an insurance company.
    • Theo's ultimate solution is to play along with a blindfolded Roger, with hilarious results:
      Theo: You know who I am, don't you? So you know what I'm capable of, don't you? Then hear me, friend. If you breathe a word of what you've seen tonight— if you breathe a single syllable of your theory— I will smite your ass so fast you'll skip right past heaven and hell and be turned straight into pus.
      Roger: Pus?
      Theo: Pus. It's got to come from somewhere, right?
  • This exchange;
    Michael: Can I fly?
    Theo: What?
    Michael: Can I fly? You know, like, uh, Superman?
    Theo: Mr. Wiseman, over the past 6 months we've performed a complicated series of operations. I'm tempted to call them transplants, but in truth, there is no "you" to transplant them to. Let's call them operations. In fact, let's agree that you have been the recipient of some of the most sophisticated surgical thinking and practice in the history of medicine. In addition, you have been inoculated with and intravenously fed over 700 highly experimental and, I believe extraordinarily promising hormones, steroids and vaccines that also were developed uniquely for you in this project. Now I mention all that because, and I'm embarrassed to admit it, that in the midst of all those surgeries, all those implant procedures, all the beta trials, tests, failures and successes... it just never occurred to any of us to shove a rocket up your ass.
  • Michael is a little annoyed about being referred to as a "prototype" by the FBI:
    Agent: We just need to flush out who he is. Which is where the protoype comes in.
    Michael: Prototype?
    Theo: Gentlemen, we make it a point to refer to Mr. Wiseman as "Mr. Wiseman."
    Michael: That's okay. They can just address me by my model number and I'll address you fellas by your whole names.
    Agent: What do you mean, "whole names?"
    Michael: Well, you'll be "A-hole," and you'll be "B-hole," and you'll be... well, you get the idea.
  • As contrived as the episode setup is, Pulp Turkey has more than its share of laughs.
    • Theo proposes to bring Michael along to his family's Thanksgiving dinner, but has to set ground rules:
      Theo: Oh, yes. If you sass my Grandma Pearl tomorrow I will personally open up the stitches in the back of your skull and pull whatever's left of your personality out. Do you understand me?
      Michael: (actually rubs the back of his neck) I'll make you proud, Doc.
    • And when they are forced to ask to use the phone at Lisa's when Theo's car breaks down:
      Michael: What are you trying to say?
      Theo: No turkey, no stuffing, no pie. No nooky. (smiles) Happy Thanksgiving.
    • Theo becoming increasingly annoyed with Roger when the thieves show up, even growling at him at one point.
    • When Michael escapes, Lisa, Heather, Roger and Theo are locked in the basement while the thieves search for Michael. While the other three panic, especially at the sounds of fighting, Theo calmly starts playing a round of eight-ball. He knows exactly who's getting beaten up and it's not Michael.
    • Finally, at the very end, when the group is sitting around the dinner table, relieved and thankful, Michael gets around one of Theo's restrictions:
      Lisa: And what about you, Mr. Newman? What are you thankful for? (beat) Mr. Newman?
      (Michael looks up from where he's been sneaking a piece of pumpkin pie, a spot of whipped cream on his nose)
      Michael: I'm... thankful the Doc's sitting over there.
  • The B-plot of Disco Inferno involves Theo accidentally giving Michael super-hearing, and the fallout amuses Michael and annoys Theo to no end.
    • When they first try it out in the apartment, Michael can hear what's going on across the street:
      Michael: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah! This is great!
      Theo: What's that?
      Michael: I don't know. Either two people are on their honeymoon... or somebody's watching a porno.
      Theo: Maybe we should get the operating room ready.
    • And then a few minutes later:
      Michael: I think the kid who was watching the porno's mother just walked in the room. Something about no more television for the rest of his life. I know how he feels.
    • He doesn't let up when Theo drags him along on an investigation:
      Michael: Right, I read about this in one of our finer weekly newspapers... right beneath a story about how aliens helped some family save their farm.
      (Beat. Theo and the investigator stare at him)
      Michael: Forget I said anything. I'll just stand here and listen to the voices in my head.
    • He basically annoys Theo into investigating the case:
      Michael: So how do you think these people were killed?
      Theo: Don't know, don't care.
      Michael: Yes, you do.
      Theo: No, I don't.
      Michael: Yes, you do.
      Theo: No, I don't.
      Michael: Yes, you do.
      Theo: No, I don't.
      Michael: Stumped, stumped, stumped.
      Theo: Am not, am not, am not.
  • In Everybody Who's Anybody, Michael tosses out some ideas for his cover as the CEO of a tech startup:
    Michael: You heard of my company? You place your order and then people in leather deliver your food, slap you around if you don't give them a big enough tip. (Beat. Theo just stares at him.) I just made that last part up. We don't have to use it.
    • And then later in the same conversation:
      Michael: What do you think of
      Theo: I don't even want to know.
  • The ending of There Are No Words when Theo has a Heel–Face Turn and brings Michael a ton of books probably doubles as a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming, but the reactions of both Michael and Special Agent #1 really make it funny. Michael is utterly delighted and the agent is just completely baffled by what's going on, especially when his boss actually admits he's in the wrong:
    Michael: Forgive me, but I'm confused. You... just gave me... a book. Now... in order to use this in order to appreciate this, in order to enjoy this doesn't that mean I'm going to have to... read it? (Theo nods.) And aren't you the guy who said that if you ever found out I was reading, you would make sure that I went blind or crazy or got warts on my hand?
    Theo: Well, I... guess I changed my mind. I think I was wrong.
    Special Agent #1: (eyes widen) This is scary.
  • In On the Town, Michael wants to follow Lisa as she goes on date, but Roger thinks he's already gone too far.
    Roger: Look, kid, enough is enough. (Michael rips the door off his car.) Of course, I suppose everything's open to discussion.