History Funny / MassEffect

Who says you can't have fun [[VideoGame/MassEffect saving the universe from evil alien robots]]?

* [[Funny/MassEffect1]]
* [[Funny/MassEffect2]]
* [[Funny/MassEffect3]]

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[[folder:Mass Effect 1]]
* "I've had enough of your snide insinuations." '''[[CrowningMomentOfAwesome SHEPARD PAWNCH!]]'''
* The things you can do with a save edit... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T47aheRgeRI
* Renegade Shepard has by far the most of these in the game.
-->'''Turian Councilor:''' Do you take pleasure in committing genocide, Shepard?
-->'''Shepard:''' Depends on the species... turian.
** The first time you try to warn the Council about the Reapers:
--->'''Shepard:''' I tried to warn you about Saren, and you ignored me. Look how that turned out.
--->'''Turian Councilor:''' I believe you humans have a saying: 'Even a broken clock is right twice a day.'
--->'''Shepard:''' [[CrowningMomentOfAwesome Here's another one: 'Go to hell!']]
* The following exchange:
-->'''Kaidan''': If things don't go well, I want you to know - I've enjoyed serving under you.
-->'''Shepard''': Kaidan, I don't think I've had the pleasure of you [[DoubleEntendre serving under me]] yet.
-->'''Kaidan''': Ouch, I walked right into that one.
** If you mod a save file to romance Kaidan as a male Shepard, this is one of the lines that was recorded before the option was cut, so the dialog plays out in its entirety. Mark Meer's delivery isn't quite as tongue-in-cheek, so he comes off as StraightGay while Kaidan's lines are still delivered the same, like he's talking to a woman.
** What about this?
--->'''Ashley:''' Wow. Gives "down and give me twenty" a whole new meaning.
--->'''Shepard:''' You still sassin' me soldier? I think you need some more physical training.
* Also, if you have Wrex with you when you first arrive on Noveria, and you have the confrontation with the dock guards.
-->'''Shepard:''' Easy. We don't want to start a fight.
-->'''Wrex:''' .....Why not?
** Tali's reaction is just as good: "I'll be... right behind you. That armor is in good condition?"
** And then there's the conversation with Lorik Qui'in, hilarious no matter who you bring with you: Kaidan's [[CovertPervert remark]] about asari and extranet fetish sites, Ashley's ironic TakeThat against the video game industry, Qui'in calmly asking Shepard to try not to get blood on his office carpets, and Wrex telling Qui'in that if the Executive Board doesn't support him, "you should eat them."
*** The fetish site thing is especially funny considering his earlier claim that Liara is "not to his taste", and he doesn't have much interest in "alien culture". Suuuuure.
*** And let's not forget his comments regarding Chora's Den, filled with asari strippers:
---->I can see why this place is so popular. It's got quite the... view.
*** Though Ashley's reaction is much sillier:
----> "Hey, LT, put your tongue back in your mouth before you trip on it."
* Lorik Qui'in has evidence that [[spoiler:Administrator Anoleis is crooked and has Shepard retrieve the evidence. If you ask him to testify instead of using it for blackmail, he will refuse. You can convince him... OR you can just give it to Anoleis instead (ruining Qui'in's career, and possibly his life) simply to backstab him. Upon telling Qui'in (who is naturally in shock), he asks why.]] The Renegade response?
-->'''Shepard''': You refused to testify. [[InsaneTrollLogic Obviously you hate justice and deserve this.]]
-->'''Lorik Qui'in''': [[LampshadeHanging What insane breed of logic is that?]]
** Gianna Parasini's reaction is also excellent, as is Shepard's response, made even funnier when JenniferHale does it.
--->'''Parasini:''' Spectre, have you given any more consideration to my offer?
--->'''Shepard:''' Anoleis paid me for it. Tough luck.
--->'''Parasini:''' You're kidding. Do you have any i...WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?
--->'''Shepard:''' Language, miss.
* And in the ruins of Feros:
-->'''Krogan Commander''': Damn it! Tell me what I want or I'll blast your virtual ass into actual dust!
-->'''Virtual Intelligence''': Please contact your supervisor for a level four security exemption, or make an appointment with--
-->'''Krogan Commander''': Stupid machine!
-->'''VI''': If there is nothing else, please step aside. There is a queue forming behind you for the use of this console.
-->''The krogan turns around to see [[TheHero Commander Shepard]] and company.''
-->'''Krogan Commander''': Oh, good, I really need to kill somebody!
* The elevator music. Makes the otherwise-boring elevator sequences pretty damn funny... or at least GreatPenguin thinks so.
** Speaking of the elevators, nearly everyone's elevator conversations on the Citadel. Bonus points for the mention of Francis Kitt's production of Hamlet with elcor actors.
*** This is even funnier in ''MassEffect2'', when you learn that this production of Hamlet is a riveting FOURTEEN HOURS long.
** The much-maligned elevator rides are, at least, good for comedy:
--->'''Wrex:''' Hey, Tali. Your people created the geth, ever talk about it?
--->'''Tali:''' Do the krogan talk about starting a stupid war that got your species sterilized?
--->'''Wrex:''' ''All'' the time.
*** And this:
---->'''Tali:''' With all this exploration of Prothean culture, this must be like a survey for you, Liara.
---->'''Liara:''' Our travels now are somewhat different from my normal excavations. I would prefer lengthier studies, and fewer explosions.
---->'''Tali:''' Yes. Most of the technology that I hoped to send back to the Flotilla has subsequently attempted to kill us.
*** Somewhat of a FunnyAneurysmMoment when you consider what happened with the technology she did send back.
*** Alternatively, with Wrex:
---->'''Liara:''' Our travels now are somewhat different from my normal excavations. I would prefer lengthier studies, and fewer explosions.
---->'''Wrex:''' It's good for you. A nice explosion now and then keeps the mind sharp.
*** Also Ash:
---->'''Liara:''' Our travels now are somewhat different from my normal excavations. I would prefer lengthier studies, and fewer explosions.
---->'''Ashley:''' I think you speak for scientists everywhere, Liara.
*** Wrex, on killing krogans despite the genophage: "Anyone who fights us is either stupid or on Saren's payroll. Killing the latter is business. Killing the former is a favor to the universe."
*** And when first talking to him on the Normandy: "There was this one time the turians almost wiped out our entire race. That was fun." It's the delivery that makes it hilarious.
*** Eh, let's just say [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vOg-nLWe71w ANY elevator conversation with Wrex]] is worthy for the lulz.
---->'''Kaidan''': I haven't spent much time with krogan before, Wrex. I have to say, you're not what I expected.
---->'''Wrex''': Right. Because you humans have a wide range of cultures and attitudes, but krogan all think and act exactly alike.
---->'''Kaidan''': Whoa. I-I didn't mean... Look, just forget I said anything.
---->'''Wrex''': Done.
** ''All'' of Wrex's lines are pretty much made of hilarity. It's the way he delivers them. Everything is said in this completely deadpan voice where you can't quite tell if he's joking or not at first. He usually is, though--I'm pretty sure just does it on purpose because he thinks it's funny to watch other species squirm while they try to wriggle their way out of getting mauled by an angry krogan. It's just so funny that the oldest, grumpiest member of your squad is also the designated DeadpanSnarker.
*** Joker may be quite adept at being the DeadpanSnarker, but Wrex truly elevates this to an art form.
* If you take Wrex on the mission to save Liara, when the cave-in starts and you go up the elevator, Wrex utters the immortal words:
-->'''Wrex:''' If we die in here, I'll kill him. ''(Him being Joker)''
-->This is then followed by ThatOneBoss.
* Ahem. [[BizarreAlienBiology Krogan Testicles]].
-->'''Garrus:''' Some Krogan believe testicle transplants will increase their virility. Counteract the effects of the Genophage. It doesn't work but that doesn't stop them from buying. They'll pay up to 10,000 credits each. That's 40,000 for a full set *{{Beat}}* Somebody's making a killing out there.
** Which gets referenced in the second game when Renegade Shepard, during Thane's loyalty mission, can threaten to cut Elias Kelham's balls off and sell them to a krogan.
* If you didn't get the codes to start the Neutron Purge while on Noveria, one of Shepard's lines is "Sic Semper *cough*", in a shout out to ''ArmyOfDarkness'''s "Klaatu...Barada...*mumble*" The VI will [[{{Beat}} take a slight pause]] before denying access.
** The party responses to Mira's explanation of how dangerous the neutron purge is are also good for a laugh. Wrex argues with it, claiming it would be like a walk in the sun for a krogan (whereas Mira claims that it's lethal to '''ALL''' lifeforms). If Liara and Ashley or Kaidan are with you, Liara tells Shepard the importance of reading the directions on any controls s/he uses, prompting Ashley/Kaidan to [[DeadpanSnarker remark]] that it's always a good idea to {{RTFM}}, to Liara's confusion. If Tali is with you she will provide the immortal line:
--->'''Tali''': Don't press [[BigRedButton big red buttons]].
*** There is also the VI's response to Liara's saying that they shouldn't press buttons. "That is a wise precaution for every terminal in this facility."
* Speaking of ''ArmyOfDarkness''...
-->'''Ashley:''' Nothing like a nice relaxing day on the beach, ''[[ShoutOut blasting bad guys with my boomstick!]]''
* During a playthrough, a krogan mercenary was charging at my character. Being an Adept, the equivalent of a squishy wizard, I used the Lift power to fling said krogan into the air. It turns out that the game incorporated Newton's first law into the game, and the krogan floated up while still moving forward, drifting over Shepard's head while flailing uselessly. The kicker? The path of the krogan's drift ended up taking him over a railing and falling down into the sea.
** A similarly hilarious result was once obtained with a combination of Lift, a sniper rifle, exploding rounds and insanely good timing. The sight of a burning krogan [[ATwinkleInTheSky hurtling off toward the horizon]] makes it all worthwhile.
** Sir Isaac Newton is the deadliest son of a bitch in space, after all.
* The description of the planet Prescyla.
-->"In the recent past, a pirate band from the Terminus Systems carved a message into the surface using ship-based laser weapons. In hundred-meter-wide batarian syllabic, the message proclaims the military prowess and virility of one 'Captain Zaysh'. A smaller postscript alludes to the [[HumansAreBastards questionable parentage of all humans]]."
* The [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2SKNbkH9tI following exchange]] on Noveria:
-->'''Shepard:''' [[CorruptCorporateExecutive Anoleis]] is paying you to shake this place down. That makes you a criminal. ''I can kill criminals.''
-->'''Guard:''' You're bluffing.
-->'''Wrex:''' You're right. They're actually going to let me eat you.
-->'''Guard:''' ...How about this? You pretend you didn't see us, we'll pretend we didn't see you.
* "Oh crap, a pop-up."
* "Yeah, well if you want me in a tin foil mini skirt and thigh-high boots, you're gonna have to buy me dinner first."
** "Sir."
--->'''Ashley:''' Or maybe they just don't like humans.
--->'''Shepard:''' Why not? We've got [[{{V}} oceans]], [[MarsNeedsWomen beautiful women]], [[WhatIsThisThingYouCallLove this emotion called love]]. According to the old vids, we have everything they want.
--->'''Kaidan:''' When you put it that way, there's no reason they wouldn't like you. I mean, us! Humans! Ma'am.
--->'''Ashley:''' You don't take much shore leave, do you, L-T?
*** From the same exchange:
---->'''Kaidan:''' Big place!
---->'''Ashley:''' ...That your professional opinion, sir?
*** And at the end of the conversation, after Kaidan's fumble:
---->'''Ashley:''' ''I'll'' walk drag, ma'am.
* "Who votes to take the vehicle into the creepy underground tunnel?"
** Then Garrus: "Yes. Its weapons' massive firepower should be useful in these cramped quarters."
* When Ashley is telling Shepard about her family and gets to the part about her father:
-->'''Ashley:''' Dad passed on a few years back, he's probably still watching though, so behave.
-->'''Shepard:''' He's not a zombie, is he?
* "I haven't been shot in the head nearly enough times for that to sound like a good idea."
* "Your grasp of the obvious is inspiring."
--> '''Ashley''': Huh. Nobody died.
--> '''Kaidan''': I could shoot someone if it would make you feel better.
--> '''Ashley''': Nah, I'm good.
* One of the best elevator conversations ever, between Wrex and Tali:
-->'''Wrex''': Who would win in a fight between you and Shepard?
-->'''Tali''': Do krogan size up everyone they meet for a fight, including friends and allies?
-->'''Wrex''': ''Yes.''
** Wrex's tone makes him sound surprised that she even asked the question, in the "you ''don't''?" sense.
** If you have Wrex and Kaidan, the conversation ends up going something like this.
--->'''Wrex''': Who would win in a fight between you and Shepard?
--->'''Kaidan''': What? Commander Shepard is my superior officer. I can't see us ever having to fight.
--->'''Wrex''': You can't? That's why Shepard is your superior officer. And ''that's'' why... Shepard would win.
*** If one thinks about this, this also means that Wrex, one of the most badass individuals in the universe believes Shepard could kick his butt most days since Wrex is willing to let Shepard order him around most of the time.
*** He's not wrong. [[spoiler: [[FunnyAneurysmMoment The standoff in [=ME3=] proves that.]]]]
* After you choose to [[spoiler:gun down Wrex]], Kaidan approaches you and asks if you're okay. The Renegade answer is: [[BondOneLiner "I'm feeling a hell of a lot better than he is."]]
* When you're in the Citadel:
-->'''C-Sec Guard''': That [[StarfishAliens hanar]] refuses to listen to reason, why can't it act in an orderly and lawful manner?
-->'''Shepard''':[[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9GWHG_3rxc Because it's a big, stupid jellyfish!]]
* Then there's this gem:
-->'''Asari Councilor:''' Do not cut me off again, Commander. I fail to find it amusing."\\
'''Shepard:''' Whoops.
* Also if you keep cutting off the Council, [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bbrQ5EkBz4 this]] happens.
* Ashley trying to romance Shepard with poetry can lead to this reply.
-->"As I recall the captain dies in that poem."
** That line is even funnier or more tragic in hindsight.
* Ashley's conversation with Shepard, after he used Paragon to persuade Jeong into saving the colonists.
-->'''Shepard''': I just pretend I have my head up my ass and don't care about anything except money.
-->'''Ashley''': [[ShoutOut That would be]] [[ThePrincessBride a waste of a perfectly fine ass]]... sir.
** To female Shepard she says this:
--->'''Ashley''': Painful. I'll leave that to you.
** Kaidan's remark on that sequence to both Shepards;
--->'''Kaidan''': If I ever get a traffic ticket, I want you to be my advocate.
* If you wait until near the end of the game to go to Therum for Liara, she's been trapped in a detention field a good while, and is initially convinced that Shepard and teammates are hallucinations.
-->"''Are you real? Oh, no, don't be stupid, Liara. Humans do not come here. You're hallucinating. And talking to yourself.''"
** And she will thereafter feel completely overwhelmed by the sheer amount of information everyone's throwing around and complain that [[AlreadyDoneForYou her life's work has been completed.]]
* From the rarely-seen renegade Kaidan, regarding the Council:
-->"50,000 years to figure this out and it's down to 25 mutineers. Way to go, team Milky Way."
** And Shepard's comment from the same conversation:
--->"Blind, useless fools. [[WhileRomeBurns I'd have given them fiddles, but I doubt they read history.]]"
* During a conversation with Ashley about some of her anti-alien sentiments, you can get something along the lines of the following exchange:
-->'''Ashley:''' You ask me to jump, I’ll say 'how high?' You ask me to kiss a turian, I'll say 'which cheek'?
-->'''Shepard:''' I don't think kissing turians is going to be necessary, Chief.
** Pretty standard humor for Ashley. Then cue [[HilariousInHindsight [=ME2=]'s romantic options...]]
*** This branch from the "kiss a turian" line.
---->'''Shepard:''' Will you kiss anyone I tell you to?
---->'''Ashley:''' Yes, sir. Unless you ask me to kiss a superior officer. This would violate Alliance regulations on fraternization. At which point, I would refuse your request and relieve you of your command. ...Sir.
*** FridgeBrilliance: Then Shepard wouldn't be her superior officer anymore. Let's hear it for LoopholeAbuse!
*** [[DontExplainTheJoke I'm pretty sure that was the point...]]
* If you bring Liara with you on Noveria, enter the Hot Labs, and ask Mira where Benezia is....
-->'''Shepard''': Is there an asari in the hot labs?
-->'''Mira''': [[ExactWords There is an asari I do not recognize standing next to you.]]
-->'''Liara''': How humans tolerate such literal-minded [=VIs=] is beyond me...
* Ashley's comments on Chora's Den is always good for a chuckle.
-->"A million light years from where humanity began and we walk into a bar filled with men drooling over half naked women shaking their asses on a stage. I can't decide if that's funny or sad."
--->'''Kaidan:''' What, you don't think they're here because of the food?
* Appointing Captain Anderson as the human representative in the Council:
-->'''Ambassador Udina:''' ''Him?'' You must be joking. Anderson prefers his fists to do the talking.
-->'''Captain Anderson:''' Only with you, Ambassador. Only with you.
** This is extra funny if you told Anderson to free the Normandy from Udina's office, where he does ''exactly that''.
* There's a hilarious bit in the Upper Markets on the Citadel. A human customer keeps attempting to make a return to a turian salesman. Their back and forth is made even funnier when another (turian) customer's return is accepted much more easily.
** He ''has'' a proof of purchase, sir.
** If you follow it to the end he finds the receipt and gets a refund with no trouble. Until it continues in the sequel, of course...
* Talking to Ashley about Eden Prime:
-->'''Shepard:''' The geth are perfect ambushers. They don't move, they don't sleep, they don't even breathe.
-->'''Ashley:''' Sir, they have flashlight heads!
* Lorik Qui'in remarking on a human turn of phrase:
-->'''Shepard''': ''(When finishing up a conversation with him)'' I should let you go.
-->'''Qui'in''': "Let me go"? Do humans consider conversation a form of imprisonment? Maybe that is why so few are willing to sit and talk."
* Ashley's ''legendary'' snark moment before you pick a second team leader on Virmire:
-->'''Ashley''': Commander will need your help setting up the nuke, I'll go with the salarians.
-->'''Kaidan''': With all due respect, gunnery chief, it's not your place to decide.
-->'''Ashley''': Why is it when someone says "WithAllDueRespect," they really mean "kiss my ass"?
** Made even better - or [[FunnyAneurysmMoment tragic]] - when Shepard subsequently says "[[CallBack with all due respect]]" to the Council during the argument that leads to the Normandy's lockdown.
** On a much lighter note again; Shepard seems to take Ashley's interpretation of the phrase every other times he/she says it.
* Bringing Garrus to the Rogue AI assignment on the Citadel.
-->'''AI''': Probability of detection 100%. Initiating self-destruct protocol.
-->[Beat]
-->'''Garrus''': That ''could'' be a problem.
* Shepard seeing [[spoiler: Species 37 a.k.a. the Thorian]] for the first time.
-->'''Shepard''': [[GonnaNeedMoreX We are gonna need bigger guns]].
** Alternatively, Shepard's weary and frustrated renegade response:
--->'''Shepard''': Nothing's ever simple is it?
** All three of the possible responses are pretty funny; the Paragon reaction is a humorously understated, "This could be... problematic."
* Bring Kaidan and Wrex along when you go hunt down Fist. Kaidan's reaction to Wrex suddenly gunning Fist down is ''hilarious''.
-->'''Wrex:''' [shoots Fist dead]
-->'''Kaidan:''' ''Oh my God!''
* In a minor sidequest on the Citadel, Shepard can either help the salarian Schells develop a device for cheating at space slot machines, or give the prototype device to the casino's owner and then go back and tell Schells about it. His flabbergasted reaction is already pretty funny, but when he asks what he's supposed to do now, Shepard's companions break out the snark:
-->'''Kaidan:''' Get a job?
-->'''Schells:''' You're no help at all!
* Wrex and Kaidan tend to be a great combination for hilarity value. While on Noveria, when the rachni start banging around but before they're actually revealed:
-->'''Kaidan:''' What was that?!
-->'''Wrex:''' Probably debris. [[DeadpanSnarker Don't have a panic attack. I'll protect you]].
* Noveria again:
-->'''Kaidan:''' I think I've got ''snow'' in my boots! Mom was right. I should've brought a sweater.
* Admiral Ahern is ''hilarious''.
--> "Commander, your ability to weigh the pros and cons of standing in the way of gunfire seems to be improving."
--> "You can add a broken record to the list of things you've ruined."
--> "Don't just stand there lookin' pretty, ''kill something''!"
--> "Sorry, Shepard, but there's no award for most times ''shot''."
--> "Wow. Shepard, the only way your team could have made better use of their unique talents is if you had gone into battle with your eyes crossed."
* When confronting a scientist who helped Saren one of the possible options is this:
-->I'm gonna blow this place to hell and gone. If you want to make it out alive you better start running.
** She protests, then sees that Shepard's clearly not listening and bolts, before your allies comment on their\Shepard's enjoyment of the scene.
* If you save the Zhu's Hope colonists on Feros and talk to them later, for the most part they're thankful for your efforts, weary, traumatized, deciding if they want to stay or go, etc. But one of them says that the one good thing about being mind controlled is that it made her forget how hungry she was. She does quickly say she prefers being hungry to being enslaved, but that line is such an odd contrast.
* On Noveria, the Renegade response to discovering the Mira VI is amusingly labelled: "Crap, it's a pop-up".
* The glee in XO Pressley's voice after you steal the Normandy.
--> "I know we'll all be court-martialed if this doesn't work out, but part of me loves this!"
* If you have a good rapport with Liara while romancing Kaidan, he may hesitate, wondering if there's "someone else you'd like to confide in". The Paragon response?
-->'''Shepard:''' All right, Alenko. Off the record, permission to speak candidly, cross my heart and hope to die. ''[[ObliviousToLove What are you talking about]]''?
* After disabling the first torch in ''Bring Down the Sky'', Simon Atwell mentions that one of the other torches is surrounded by a proximity minefield. Renegade Shepard's response?
-->'''Shepard:''' Could I requisition a cow to move ahead of me?
* The Shifty Space Cow:
-->''I love the history of the Shifty Cow easter egg. When the character artists designed the space cow with two extra arms, Preston, our lead designer, was a little creeped out. His comment was "You can't trust any animal that can milk itself." Those extra little hands look so... grabby. So Preston came up with the idea of Shifty Cow. Turn your back on him, and those creepy little hands are going to go to work. Kiss those credits goodbye.''
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Mass Effect 2]]
* "I've had enough of your disingenuous assertions." '''[[RunningGag SHEPARD PAWNCH!]]'''
** In the Shadow Broker's lair, you can find a video clip of her getting punched ''by a krogan'', which makes her feet leave the ground. Ouch.
** Or the video clip of her getting kicked in the shin by a volus on your second visit.
** The most striking video clip is something nobody saw coming. Despite her obvious pro-human/xenophobic stance on everything in life [[{{Hypocrite}} she is shown having a brief make-out session with an asari lover]].
* Grunt. In combat, a combination of a certain BattleCry and a BadassBoast cut off and spliced at the right time leads to this:
-->'''Grunt:''' [[BattleCry I...AM...]][[BadassBoast worthless!]]
* One of the best reasons to bring Grunt with you to Haelstrom.
-->'''Grunt:''' '(upon seeing the Geth Colossus, with unbridled joy)' '''THIS''' is why I follow you, Shepard! '''''BIG THINGS!'''''
* On the Presidium, if you saved the Council in the first game:
--> '''Turian Councilor:''' [[MemeticMutation Ah, yes.]] [[SarcasmMode "Reapers".]] [[TooDumbToLive We have]] [[CassandraTruth dismissed that claim.]]
** Which has led numerous players to hope for [[http://nerfnow.com/comic/435/ a moment like this]] come [=ME3=].
* Mordin's loyalty mission, if Tali is there. The drugged Urdnot scout you can talk to can be Charmed into returning to base, leading to this exchange:
-->'''Shepard:''' [[DareToBeBadass It'd take a real badass to get back to Urdnot, though]].
-->'''Scout:''' I can do it!
-->'''Shepard:''' *scoffs* You? I said a badass, not some scout whining like a quarian with a tummy-ache!
-->'''Tali:''' ImStandingRightHere!
** Once the scout leaves -- with Shepard riling him up to go to the female camp, no less -- Tali says that she can't believe it worked.
** Or, if Garrus is there: "There's no pep talk like a military pep talk."
** If Jacob is there: "Reminds me of boot camp."
* This exchange between Joker and Shepard:
--> '''Joker:''' Just you watch Commander, it'll be just like the good old days!
--> '''Shepard:''' I hope not. I ''died''.
--> '''Joker:''' Gah, you're such a downer!
* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDwKH-n8RHs&feature=related The commercial for Gamestop's preorder bonuses:]]
-->'''Thane''': ....Do you ever wonder where they go?
-->'''Shepard''': I never really thought about it.
-->'''Everyone''': Hmmmm.
-->''(cuts to image of a sci-fi toilet bowl)''
-->'''Mercenaries''': Help! Hold your breath! I can't swim!
** Made even funnier when you realize Grunt is present...at his own recruitment mission.
* Any moment during the parts where you are romancing [[spoiler:Tali]] is either this, or CrowningMomentofHeartwarming.
** Same with [[spoiler:Garrus]]. Despite his rough (literally) exterior, despite being a complete badass, he falls ''hilariously'' apart when it comes to romance, realizing that whatever he says [[ThatCameOutWrong sounds horribly wrong]]. Paragon Shepard's responses are along the lines of "shut up, loosen up, it's okay, I still like you."
** Most of Jacob's romance falls under this as well, especially when he is wondering how Shepard can push all of his buttons and make him like it.
*** But the priiize...
* The cutscene before [[spoiler:Legion]]'s personal mission. As the Normandy approaches a [[spoiler:geth]] space station, Joker tells [[spoiler:Legion]] that anyone on the station could "just look out a window and see us coming." [[spoiler:Legion]] gives Joker a MathematiciansAnswer, explaining that [[spoiler:geth]] do not use windows because they're structural weaknesses, and proceeds to set the coordinates for the landing zone. Joker mocks [[spoiler:Legion]] by making exaggerated robotic movements, and right on cue, Shepard walks up and catches him in the act. Joker pauses, rolls his eyes, and gets back to work.
** One has to wonder if that wasn't also something of a [[StealthPun Stealth]] [[MicrosoftWindows Pun]] as well...
*** It's also even funnier for certain players, if you talk to EDI in the observation decks, Shepard will tell EDI that the windows on the Normandy are a weak-point.
**** And much like [[spoiler:Legion, she also explains to the organic why it doesn't matter.]]
** Gets a CallBack in [=ME3=], when they pull the ''exact same trick'' on the Geth Dreadnought.
--->'''Shepard:''' Geth don't use windows, remember? Structural weakness.
--->'''Joker:''' Oh yeah, I bet the geth are all sitting around saying "The organics would ''never'' try the no-windows thing twice".
* Pretty much any overheard conversation or advertisement.
** Of particular note was [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRf_bfVWQuw an exchange started by Garrus]], who'd mentioned how he missed riding the elevators in Citadel because of the lack of conversation.
--->'''Garrus:''' You ever miss those talks we had on the elevators?
--->'''Tali:''' No.
--->'''Garrus:''' Come on, remember how we'd all ask you about your life on the flotilla? It was an opportunity to share!
--->'''Tali:''' This conversation is over.
--->'''Garrus:''' Tell me again about your immune system!
--->'''Tali:''' I have a shotgun.
--->'''Garrus:''' Maybe we'll talk later.
*** One can't help but suspect that Garrus is making fun of Shepard as well, with the whole nonchalant "we'll talk later" thing.
**** It also sounds like he's flirting with her - which just makes it funnier, and in the third game [[spoiler:foreshadows that they can hook up if you didn't romance either of them]]. Also a stealth reference to ''Fleet and Flotilla''.
* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-R5NyiqOlx0 Mordin sings]] [[ThePiratesOfPenzance Gilbert and Sullivan]]. "Always had me do the [[MotorMouth patter songs]]."
** "I'm sorry, I know that was important, but... you performed Gilbert and Sullivan?"
--->I am the very model of a scientist salarian. I've studied species turian, asari, and batarian.
--->I'm quite good at genetics (as a subset of biology) because I am an expert (which I know is a tautology).
--->My xenoscience studies range from urban to agrarian, I am the very model of a scientist salarian.
** At the end, there's a long delay between the end of Mordin's song and Shepard's response. For any other conversation, it would sound like an extreme case of PausedInterrupt, but after ''this'' conversation it sounds like ''Shepard is just as speechless as the player''. Even if the player picks a response immediately, there is that pause.
*** Then the professor raises a glove to his mouth: ''"Ahem."''
** The best part is, ''[[TheCastShowoff he's actually pretty good!]]''
** Mordin finding Cerberus's surveillance bugs in the Normandy's research lab when first brought aboard. He mentions off-handedly that he destroyed most of them, in a manner that suggests he found it cute that Cerberus thought those bugs would actually escape his notice. He also nonchalantly returns the expensive bug to Miranda.
** Also [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAP92rvm1hQ Mordin giving some medical advices]]. You'll have a hell of hard time believing it's not a fan-made video, but there you have it.
*** The bulk of it remains the same, but is partly tweaked for your partner of choice. Interesting alien facts abound!
*** "Prolonged human to drell skin contact can cause small rash, aching. Oral contact may cause [[MushroomSamba mild hallucinations]]."
*** "Turians based on dextro-amino acids. Human ingestion of tissue could provoke allergic reactions. Anaphylactic shock possible. So don't, ah, ingest."
**** He also mentions "alcohol and mood music" off-handedly, which becomes hilarious when Garrus brings a bottle of wine and turns on Shepard's sound system, which suggests that either Mordin told Garrus to try that or Garrus told Mordin he was going to do it during ''their'' "talk".
*** With Jack, he cautions that Shepard might get injured by her during sex, and prescribes biotic inhibitors (and padding the walls).
*** With Miranda, he cautions you to be wary of bugs - they can be planted ''anywhere''. And he offers to give you an exam afterwards.
*** If Shepard is not involved with someone (or hasn't progressed far enough with the RomanceSidequest), Mordin's speech goes from giving advice to an awkward conversation about having to let Shepard down easy.
----> '''Mordin''': Different species react differently to stress. Aware you have come by a great deal. Have had other species become attracted to me before. Awkward. Not interested.
----> '''Commander Shepard''': You've had members of another species make a pass at you?
----> '''Mordin''': [[UnwantedHarem CONSTANTLY]]. Very awkward. Skin tone apparently attractive by turian standards. Subset of krogan deviants enjoys salarian flexibility. More cartilage than skeletal structure. Asari offers... intriguing, actually. Wonder why. Trans-species pheromones unlikely to work. *inhales* Must be neurochemical.
----> '''Commander Shepard''': (with a slight grin if using Paragon) I appreciate you letting me down easy.
----> '''Mordin''': No offense intended. Salarian reproduction different. Very little sex drive. If intended to try human, would try you. Glad you stopped by. Clear the air.
*** Maybe Mordin will get curious when [=ME3=] rolls around? We can dream.
* A possible combo with AscendedMeme, but a chef in the lowest portion of the Citadel states: "Ever had ramen? It's a delicacy back on Earth!"
** Not to mention that after you walk by him afterwards, he greets you with a mangled version of "Irasshaimase!"
*** In a proper Japanese restaurant, ramen passes for a delicacy - nothing instant.
*** Unless, you know, you actually go to Japan. There, while not a delicacy, it is certainly more than "cheap".
*** Actually... it's still cheap, by their standards.
*** Kasumi will coo at the sight of the ramen shop, and comment how she would ''steal'' it from her own mother.
*** Specifically, Kasumi said she'd steal her mom's ramen ''RECIPE'' apparently because of how good it is.
*** More specifically, she says she regrets NOT stealing it.
** "Sniff. This what passes for food out here? My tastes run more along the lines of edible. Looks like worms. Dead ones. This a human thing? Ugh. I'll pass. I'll eat almost anything, but I stress 'almost.'"
* After doing Garrus' loyalty mission, when you ask him how turians prepare for risky operations, he tells you a story about how he sparred with a female recon scout. He had reach, but she had flexibility, and they went nine rounds before the ref declared the match a tie. Then he says something like this:
-->'''Garrus''': We, ah, ended up holding a tiebreaker in my quarters...I had reach...she had flexibility. More than one way to work off stress, I guess.
** And of course, [=FemShep=] can provide us with this:
--->'''Shepard:''' What do you say we skip right to the tiebreaker? We can test your reach, and my flexibility.
* Speaking of [[spoiler:Garrus]], his romance arc with female Shepard produces this gem after [[spoiler:Shepard and he discuss when they should attempt to have sex]].
-->[[spoiler:'''Garrus''']]: I'd wait, if you're okay with it. Disrupt the crew as little as possible...and take that last chance to find some calm just before the storm. You know me, I always like to savor the last shot before popping the heat sink.
-->*[[BeatPanel long awkward pause]] consisting of Shepard just staring at [[spoiler:Garrus]] with a sly smile*
-->[[spoiler:'''Garrus''']]: Wait... that metaphor [[ThatCameOutWrong just went somewhere horrible]].
** And when you talk to him after suggesting it for the first time:
--->[[spoiler:'''Garrus''']]: I've never considered cross-species intercourse before. And damn, saying it that way doesn't help. Now I feel all dirty and clinical.
** ...And a bit later:
--->[[spoiler:'''Garrus''']]: It'll either be a night to treasure, or a horrible [[BuffySpeak interspecies awkwardness thing]]... In which case, fighting the Collectors will be a welcome distraction, so, you know, a win either way.
* How about when Shepard [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=954yTOMFTAo&feature=PlayList&p=4B310ECD74391E42&index=100&playnext=2&playnext_from=PL gets wasted]] at that bar on the Citadel?
** How about Shepard getting wasted with Dr. Chakwas? She even passes out in one of her own hospital beds!
*** Your toast to Joker: "To the ornery bastard who flies this ship."
*** Or the final toast:
---->'''Shepard''': Here's to simply being happily drunk.
---->'''Chakwas''': I'll drink to that!
** Getting wasted on the Citadel? Waking up in the bathroom with a turian pissing in front of you is just priceless.
** Also on the Citadel, Shepard approves of another drink by saying, "Do it!" The delivery is hilarious.
** And if you decide to have yet another drink ([[MadeOfIron which is liquor meant to be consumed by]] ''[[MadeOfIron Krogan]]'', [[MadeOfIron no less]]):
--->'''Shepard:''' Hell yeah. Put more of the stuff in the...thing more stuff goes in.
** On Omega, [[http://youtu.be/VhI1Ve6_1f4 some squad members have things to say]] about Shep drinking the poisoned booze.
** Hell, Shepard getting wasted at ANY point in the game.
* During Jack's recruitment mission
-->'''Warden Kuril:''' Bounty hunters aren't dependable.
-->'''Zaeed:''' You aren't hiring the right ones!
* Talk to Jack after her loyalty mission and ask about her adventures.
-->'''Shepard:''' I'm surprised you'd even mention vandalism after all that.
-->'''Jack:''' That's what the Hanar call it when you crash a space station into their moon to make a new crater. [{{Beat}}] They ''really'' liked that moon.
--->"Shouldn't have left the thing unlocked. Besides, [[NoodleIncident parades are boring. I helped."]]
* [[spoiler:[[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CRPScZ-FOI Legion dancing.]]]] That is all.
** [[spoiler:The best part is that he's ''beatboxing.'' And it's actually quite good....]]
* What about [[spoiler:Shepard headbutting a krogan on Tuchanka? The "what the hell was that" look the krogan gives him/her is priceless.]]
** This one's simultaneously a CMOA. Shepard ''gets'' krogan psych.
** The krogan shaman certainly thinks so: "Ba ha ha ha! I ''like'' this human! S/He understands!"
* Anything that comes out of Mordin's mouth.
--> "Hate metaphors. Get a doctorate! Have a REAL conversation!"
--> "Kirrahe. Yes, remember him. Good captain. Bit of a cloaca though. Loved his speeches. 'Hold the line!' Personally, prefer to get job done and go home."
** Even funnier when you realise that he actually says "Hold the line!" when enemies charge at you.
*** Then a lot, lot less funny when he dies during the suicide mission and, with his last breath, asks you to "tell them... I held the line."
** Any of Mordin's "can't talk right now" lines are pure gold.
---> "Trying to determine how scale-itch got onto Normandy. Sexually transmitted disease, only carried by varren. Implications...unpleasant." ([[WildMassGuessing It's]] [[BoldlyComing Kelly's]] [[MemeticMutation fault]])
---> "Working on Collector data. Have ruled out artificially intelligent virus...unless it's ''very'' intelligent...and toying with me...hmm... tests."
---> "Not at the moment. Think I've unlocked Collector interest in humans. Wait. No. Only one heart. Krogan have two. Scratch that."
---> "Later better. Think I've cured Joker's condition. Simple treatment would... No, no, no, no. Would cause liver failure. Never mind. Start from scratch."
---> "Some other time. About to test new bio-weapon. Not on us, of course. Didn't think I had to specify, but Joker got nervous."
---> "Having trouble working between your interruptions and EDI's insistence that 'insane' experiments endanger entire crew. Hard to concentrate. Affecting morale."
---> "Not a good time. Trying to map contamination vectors. Requires focus. Ship-wide infection of human-tailored virus possible if I slip."
---> "Later. Updating crew dental records. All Cerberus personnel have cyanide capsules in molars. Primitive. Ocular nerve flashbangs harder to disarm."
** That last is less funny when you find out Cerberus started using them in Mass Effect 3.
** Apparently Mordin missed one of the bugs, because TIM used that idea, as shown in an email in Liara's cabin in [=ME3=].
* A conversation between the Normandy's chef and a random crew member:
-->'''Hawthorne:''' Chef's Surprise again? Come on, Rupert!
-->'''Chef:''' Well, I'm so sorry, ''princess''. Filet mignon and caviar coming right up. Let me just get out my doilies!
-->'''Hawthorne:''' That'd be reeeeeeeal nice, Mr. Gardner.
** Anything out of Gardner's mouth becomes unintentional comedy, simply because he's noticeably voiced the same guy who does Ambassador Udina.
--->'''Shepard:''' So, the man cleaning the toilets is also preparing the meals?
--->'''Chef:''' Hey, I wash my hands...most of the time. This ain't no luxury liner, you have to pull your own weight on a Cerberus vessel, and I just catch what falls through the cracks. Heh, [[IncrediblyLamePun through the cracks]].
*** When you do get better supplies for him to cook with, the next comment by Hawthorne in the mess is hilarious:
---->'''Hawthorne:''' Hey Rupert, new food is great! Tastes like you added more food, less ass!
* You can take Legion with you onto the Citadel and have the discussion with the C-Sec officer at the front desk about heightened security to protect from geth infiltration ''while he's standing right there''. Even better is that he comments on it and the officer ''doesn't even realize'' that he's geth.
-->'''Legion, Geth Infiltrator:''' Geth do not ''intentionally'' [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sa-Ont6rOGQ infiltrate.]]
** In a similar vein, bringing Legion along on Tali's loyalty mission on the Flotilla triggers a short cutscene where the quarian guards hold you at gunpoint and angrily tell you to get him off the ship. The CMOF comes because after this, the game shifts into the *regular* cutscene, where Tali indignantly denies ever sending active geth parts to her father.
---> '''Shepard''' ([[HypocriticalHumor While Legion is just off-camera]]): You were sending '''geth''' parts to the Flotilla?!
*** [[ExactWords Technically, as her captain, you're the one bringing an active geth onto the fleet]].
* One of the most hilarious moments in the series is when [[spoiler:the Collectors are infiltrating the Normandy]].
-->'''EDI:''' We can [[spoiler:save the Normandy]], Mr. Moreau, but you're going to have to help me. Give me the ship.
-->'''Joker:''' What, are you crazy? You [[ShoutOut start singing]] [[TwoThousandOne "Daisy Bell"]] and I'm done!
-->''[Joker makes his way to the AI Core]''
-->'''Joker''': All right, I'm at...uh...you.
-->'''EDI''': Connect the core to the Normandy's primary control module.
-->'''Joker:''' Great. See, this is where it starts, and when we're all just [[ShoutOut organic]] [[Film/TheMatrix batteries]], guess who they'll blame? "This is all Joker's fault. What a tool he was! I have to spend all day computing pi because he plugged in the Overlord!"
-->''[The lights flicker while Joker looks worried]''
-->'''EDI''': Ah, I have access to the defensive systems. Thank you, Mr. Moreau. Now you must reactivate the primary drive in engineering.
-->'''Joker:''' Argh! You want me to go crawling through the ducts again.
-->'''EDI:''' I enjoy the sight of humans on their knees.
-->''[Joker stares at EDI with a long and wary "What. The. Shit?" look on his face.]''
-->'''EDI:''' That was a joke.
-->'''Joker:''' ''Right.''
** The quote became a FunnyAneurysmMoment after [[TearJerker the Overlord DLC]].
** There is also an occasional glitch where, instead of being dragged into the elevator and shrieking, [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zumxfjdMnf0 Kelly Chambers stands in the elevator next to the Collectors as if keeping it open for them.]]
* When exploring the Local Cluster (which houses our Solar system, so basically you can check out Earth and whatnot), trying to launch a probe at (depleted) Uranus.
-->'''EDI:''' ...''Really'', Commander?
** If you do it again, she says
--->'''EDI:''' ''[sigh]'' Probing Uranus.
* "The Council thought that Blasto, the first hanar Spectre, would play by the rules."
** "This one has no time for your solid waste excretions."
** "Enkindle THIS!"
** [[DirtyHarry "This one has forgotten if its heat sink is over capacity. It wonders whether the criminal scum considers itself fortunate."]]
** Someone made a video of it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGldy-ABbsw
* ''All'' of the entertainment advertisements on the Citadel, especially the one for ''Citadel'', a movie adaptation of the first game, showing random actors spouting out stilted lines from the first game.
** It gets bonus points for having someone imitate Don LaFontaine while narrating it.
** "Shepard, you've recently been dead."
** Another one is an advertisement for a new 360° holographic vid system...dubbed the [[Film/{{Avatar}} Avatar system]]...and if you got it, you could see there's [[FetishFuel a naked asari]] in front of me!
* This moment occurs when talking casually with Grunt:
-->'''Shepard:''' What other human info was floating around in there?
-->'''Grunt:''' Less than a finger deep to server your spine! You're soft. Salarians, asari, all soft. Quarians, not so much. Turians, you have to work the blade, I guess. Don't see much point to it, though. Heh, (using finger quotes) "much point". ...Ah, never mind.
* Joker's joke about the Illusive Man inventing the paper clip.
* The following Renegade interrupt, when female Shepard goes to sign up with the mercs at Omega.
-->'''Recruiter:''' Well, aren't you sweet. You're in the wrong place, honey. Stripper's quarters are that way.
-->''(Shepard pulls out her gun)''
-->'''Shepard:''' [[VisualPun Show me yours, tough guy]]. I bet mine's bigger.
** Then, the Batarian recruiter says "impressive" in one of the most bored voices ever heard.
* Herrot, the elcor merchant on Omega. The only elcor in the entire game who is ''smoking a cigar''. Also, when you intimidate him to lay off on Kenn:
-->'''Herrot''': With barely contained terror: You drive a hard bargain human.
** It should be noted that this is in response to the ''paragon'' option on the dialogue wheel (granted, the Renegade option is much nastier overall, but it's still [[OutOfCharacterMoment such a shock coming from a previously fully-Paragon Shepard]]...
** A bunch of asari talking how shopping at Herrot's is the best. [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harrods Product placement...]] '''[[InSpace IN SPACE!]]'''
* [[RunningGag "You humans are all racist!"]]
-->'''Batarian prophet:''' Humans are a blight on galactic purity. You sir! You are a blight! And you! And you, human. And you!
** For clarification, the Batarian prophet's ''entire audience'' is a gaggle of curious humans.
* The famous, award-winning all-elcor run of ''Hamlet'' makes a return appearance in a Citadel advertisement. Watch here: [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCO_UsyhL9o&feature=related Elcor Hamlet]]
-->'''Gertrude:''' Uneasy: What wilt thou do. Thou wilt not murder me. Help. Help. Ho.
-->'''Polonius:''' Shocked: What ho. Help. Help. Help.
-->'''Hamlet:''' Startled: How now. A rat. Dead for a ducat. Dead.
-->'''Polonius:''' Agonized: O. I am slain.
-->'''Gertrude:''' Horrified: O me. What has thou done.
-->'''Hamlet:''' Shaken: Nay. I know not. Is it the king.
-->'''Gertrude:''' Horror gives way to anger: O. What rash and bloody deed is this.
-->'''Hamlet:''' Venomous Sarcasm: What a piece of work is a man!
** Even funnier if you realize that due to the nature of the elcor, this could well be the most beautiful and nuanced interpretation of Shakespeare's famous work ever performed but because of our limited senses it goes completely unappreciated.
* My personal favorite has to be the salarian video game salesman. Everything he says is great, but these are two of my personal favorites:
--> "I don't get the complaints about the [[VideoGame/GrandTheftAuto G]]rim [[VideoGame/GrandTheftAuto T]]erminus [[VideoGame/GrandTheftAuto A]]lliance games. So what if you can capture and beat slaves? It's just a game."
--> "Those asari/hanar porn games they sell in Shin Akiba are really nasty."
--> "For an extra ten credits you can buy the copy protection package!"
** It's especially funny once you realize that he's a TakeThat at Gamestop Employees and the first game's infamous [[TakeThatUs DRM copy protection]].
* The [[BreakingTheFourthWall fourth wall comes in for a lot of abuse]] in this game, most notably with the game salesman (see above), but in other areas as well.
** You can buy the first two tie-in novels (marketed as "military history," no less) in the Citadel Souvenirs shop.
** There's also some fluff text about your prototype mods being equipped with Fabrication Rights Management software, which is hilarious given the TorchesAndPitchforks fan response to the first game's DRM measures.
** Finding futuristic spam in your personal message queue, including ads for reproductive mods and discount pharmaceuticals, an inheritance scam, and an uplifting chain letter.
*** And one of the spam comes from a merchant you met in the first game!
** The two asari who wound up on C-Sec's terrorist... ahem, "geth infiltrator" watch list. The C-Sec customs officer's responses to your increasingly frustrated attempts to clear them are straight out of the US Department of Homeland Security textbook.
*** It's even funnier if Legion is in your party at the time.
*** If you pick the Charm dialogue choice, Shepard will tell the officer how s/he knows the asari aren't geth infiltrators:
--->'''Shepard:''' [[DeadpanSnarker The lack of flashlight heads is kind of a dead giveaway.]]
** Miranda's loyalty mission features a ride on a dead-slow cargo elevator, complete with the first game's infamous muzak. Miranda proceeds to scream at it for being too damned slow, and then [[PercussiveMaintenance smashes the panel]] to speed it up.
** Comparing the salarian Special Tasks Group to the Spectres, Mordin comments that the STG is better funded - at least they don't have to buy their own weapons.
* The [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GnbubpRyGw asari and her krogan boyfriend]] Charr in an otherwise forgettable sidequest on Illium. As if the krogan spouting greeting-card love poetry wasn't funny enough, we get this exchange with the asari. (Bonus points if you're remaining faithful to your own asari companion.)
-->'''Asari:''' Krogan live for a really long time... it's not like a human where you just have to stick around for a century or so before they die...
-->'''Shepard:''' (offended look)
-->'''Asari:''' ...Oh, sorry. Not... meaning that personally or anything.
** It gets even better: After the two of them hook up, you can find them on Tuchanka, where he's trying to convince her that living in a post-apocalyptic ruin is far more fun than living in a futuristic metropolis. It almost makes you wonder if you doomed the poor girl...
*** You find out in the next game that they got married and she's now expecting his daughter. [[spoiler:It quickly becomes a TearJerker as you later discover he joined a company of Krogan sent to fight huskified Rachni. Shepard will find his "O blue rose of Illium" poem and farewell message next to his body, which you then can deliver to her.]]
* The {{catfight}} between Miranda and Jack if you complete both their loyalty missions. Joker's CovertPervert response is priceless:
--> '''Joker:''' Take pictures!
** [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObVxYYB0knA Covert?]]
* The bar on Illium is home to many of these. In addition to those already mentioned, there is a conversation between a female quarian and a turian. The quarian is complaining about her {{jerkass}} human boyfriend's insensitivity to biochemical barriers and the like, while the turian is engaged in a pretty transparent attempt to hit on her. It's all the funnier if you are in the middle of romancing your squad representative from either species, where the issues discussed are actually a minor plot point.
** Made even funnier if you overhear the next part of the conversation. The quarian mentions how a little dry spell won't kill her, because, worst-case scenario, she's always got [[ADateWithRosiePalms that nerve-stimulation package]] built into her suit. The turian goes on talking for a moment, [[DoubleTake then stops with a shocked "What?"]]
*** It gets even better. In Lair of The Shadow Broker, [[spoiler:after you kill him and Liara takes over]] you can see some things recorded on all of your recruited members and read a list purchases and things bought by Tali and installed/uninstalled by her. She installs and uninstalls that nerve-stimulation package quite often and (I'm not sure if this is only for people who romanced her) after installing the Immunoboost Professional Edition (it's pretty clear what that was for) she installed the Nerve-Stim Pro Deluxe Edition. Damn, Shepard must be REALLY good.
*** It's not just for people who romanced her, which suggests that Tali must be bottling up some...''tension'', and looking for a [[ADateWithRosiePalms way to release it]], which just makes it even funnier! Seeing her erasing and reinstalling the program so hurriedly reminds me of a teenager trying to hide their dirty magazines or something.
*** Maybe she's contemplating Garrus if she can't be with Shepard? She ''did'' buy "Fleet & Flotilla", after all.
*** And after watching it immediately uninstalled [[ADateWithRosiePalms the Nerve-Stim]], so maybe it's not her thing after all.
*** Then she reinstalled it. Then she uninstalled it again. Then the whole thing ended with her installing the "[[UpToEleven deluxe version]]".
*** [[spoiler: [[HilariousInHindsight Looks like she]] ''[[HilariousInHindsight was]]'' [[HilariousInHindsight contemplating Garrus after all.]] ]]
* A short discussion on Illium when you're talking to the officers before recruiting Samara. The cop mentions that her orders are to arrest Samara, which would mean Samara killing her (long story). As a Paragon you can say that the orders are unjust, and you shouldn't be sent in to certain death on commanders orders.
---> '''Miranda''': Good advice, let's remember that the next time Shepard sends us against impossible odds.
---> '''Tali''': Which is about twice a day.
** Garrus adds in his 2 cents as well:
---> '''Garrus''': We can disobey suicide orders? Why wasn't I told?
** Or Grunt's response to Miranda:
---> '''Grunt''': Which isn't nearly often enough.
** What about Thane's?
---> '''Thane''': Every time Shepard sends us to perform an impossible task, I have to remind myself that I ''volunteered'' for this.
** Of course, [[GoodBadBugs sometimes the phrases don't quite match up]], which is [[{{Narm}} funny in a whole different way]]:
--->'''Garrus''': We can disobey suicide orders? Why wasn't I told?
--->'''Tali''': Which is about twice a day.
** Erm, Legion's?
--->'''Legion'''': Shephard-Commander orders us to statistically probable death an average of 2.73 instances per day. Rounding down.
* Pretty much anything that comes out of [[CoolOldLady Matriarch Aethyta's]] mouth.
** Her mother was an asari commando who fought in the Krogan Rebellions. Her father was a krogan who fought in the rachni wars. She was a matriarch and he was pushing a thousand when he discovered the truth. They called Aethyta, who was about a hundred and working as a stripper at the time, to tell her they were going to have it out and she was to love whichever one survived.
---> Turned out to be damned easy! Since neither one did.
** Sometimes her mother would put on the old commando leathers for "special nights" with her father, much to Aethyta's embarrassment.
** Her epic ScrewYouElves is mostly serious, but it still contains a reference to the other asari "laughing the blue off her ass".
** She warns Shepard not to drink anything meant for turians and quarians. She uses as a reference point the time she witness a krogan drink a liquified turian on a dare six or seven centuries back.
---> "Nobody came out of that one looking pretty."
** Try talking to her after drinking the "Mystery Drink" from the drink kiosk. You'll notice her appearance has... changed.
** "What can I do for ya? No sex though, I just cleaned the bar."
** Conrad gets on her nerves a bit. After watching him get shot in the foot she calls him a big baby, before apologizing on the account her father was a krogan. And the reveal that Conrad's wife paid for his ticket results in her doing a FacePalm. The best bit? She doesn't kill Conrad because it would scare away the customers, make a mess, and the property damage would come out of her paycheck.
*** The best part about the FacePalm is that many players are likely to have an identical reaction upon stumbling on that scene for the first time.
*** And after Conrad is gone:
----> "Thanks for taking care of that crazy guy. Saves me having to beat him to death with his own spine. That makes the other customers nervous."
*** She must not have many [[ProudWarriorRaceGuy krogan]] customers.
**** A video shows her headbutting one.
* 2 out of the 3 actions you can make in response to Conrad's idiocy are also worth a good laugh. The "neutral" response results in [[GroinAttack kneeing him in the crotch]] while the funnier, Renegade, option has [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lDH9soOp2M Shepard shoot him in the foot.]]
--> '''Shepard''': Conrad. *draws pistol and aims it at him* This is not acceptable. *Lowers gun and shoots him in the foot* .
** If the groin attack is chosen, Aethyta reacts thusly;
---> '''Aethyta''': Yeah! Kick him in the quad! Sorry. My father was a krogan.
*** Doubly funny is the idea that the GroinAttack means than the obsessed fanboy gets more touch than most of Shepard's romance options. On-screen, anyway.
** Even the Paragon response is funny in its own way, though it doesn't resort to violence. Shepard speaks in the most deadpan tone ever.
---> '''Shepard''': [[DeadpanSnarker Conrad...why are you acting like me?]]
** The dialogue option is titled ''for crying out loud''. A show of hands for those who didn't think it.
* Some of the squad members' friendly fire comments are funny, especially Grunt's "Stop firing at me, you idiot!"
* My absolute favorite Moment Of Funny is Conrad [[LampshadeHanging explaining]] how he is pretty much exactly like Shepard:
--> '''Conrad Verner:''' I [[TalkToEveryone talk to people]], you know? Ask them if they have big problems [[ItsUpToYou that only I can solve]]. You'd be surprised how many [[QuestGiver people]] are just [[ApatheticCitizens waiting for someone to talk to them]]. [{{Beat}}] Sometimes I [[CrateExpectations poke through crates]], too. You know, [[KleptomaniacHero for extra credits]].
** That whole conversation is a laugh. I particularly like that bit where Conrad says: "My wife was really supportive. She even paid for my shuttle fare off-world." As if that wasn't funny enough, the camera is positioned just right that you can see the bartender standing behind him do a facepalm.
*** [[WhatAnIdiot She speaks for us all]].
* Joker's comments on your new crew members - especially about Garrus.
-->'''Joker''': Looks like he finally got that stick out of his butt... except now he's using it to beat guys to death.
--> '''Joker''' (about Mordin, paraphrased): He is this know-it-all type of guy. Does he have a master's degree from FU or something?
** Joker drops this gem immediately after you recruit Garrus:
--->'''Joker''': Hey Commander, we got Garrus back! That's great, because he was totally my favorite… with that pole up his ass.
** Most of Joker's "idle" chatter is pretty good too:
--->"Always the claws and guns. Why can't we invade a fuzzy planet for once? Sure, it'd still be dangerous but, hey, bunnies!"
* Seeing [[DirtyCop Harkin]] get [[GroinAttack kneed in the crotch]] by [[CowboyCop Garrus]], and, if you ignore the Paragon quicktime event, Garrus shooting him in the kneecap.
** And even if the Paragon quicktime event is taken, Garrus will headbutt Harkin before telling Shepard;
---> '''Garrus''': I didn't shoot him.
** Thane's line to the "duct rat" informant: "Be still, Mouse. You can change your pants in a moment."
** And the sleazy defense attorney taking off running once Shepard breaks out the Spectre credentials.
* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLpgxry542M Sir Isaac Newton is the deadliest son-of-a-bitch in space!]]
* Tali in combat to her drone, "Go for the optics Chikktika, go for the optics!"
* After doing Grunt's loyalty quest where you [[spoiler:kill a Thresher Maw]], Grunt gets some requests for mating from female krogan, [[InterspeciesRomance but so does Shepard]]...even if she's [[LesYay female!]]
** If female, it can also be taken as male krogan being interested in Shep just out of how badass she is. Screw the genophage, I got to bed Shepard! as it were.
** It's also worth it for Grunt's delighted giggle.
* Remember the exchange at the top of the page? The one where you punch a reporter? She makes a return in [[MassEffect2 [=ME2=]]]. Guess what you can do again? Shepard even repeats the exact same line (Well, one adjective is swapped out).
** If you didn't hit her in [=ME1=], but do it now, you'll comment how you should have done that the first time.
** You can smack her down verbally too, leading her to complain that she just got bull-rushed ''off her own show.'' Shepard: Win. al-Jilani: Fail.
** And quite frankly, as hilarious as it is to punch her in the face, the verbal smackdown (using Charm options) is even funnier. If Shepard [[spoiler:saved the Council]], she complains about sacrificing [[spoiler:human lives to save aliens]]. Shepard ''completely'' shuts her down, citing the [[spoiler:''thousands'' of turians who also gave their lives and listing the name of every single human ship that was destroyed by Sovereign]]. It's pretty much amazing.
** The Renegade option for the verbal beating that puts Al-Jalani in her place is just as satisfying. Shepard leaves Al-Jalani speechless by giving her a hard lesson on the realities of command. The poor girl almost sounds like she is about to cry uttering the line "I... I didn't mean to accuse-" before Shepard puts the final blow to her image by announcing how she insults the memory of everyone who died.
* [[MemeticBadass Niftu Cal]], the volus who's higher than a kite and thinks he is a [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjp46Uv8PUE biotic god]], causing Shepard to raise a hand to cradle the oncoming headache from listening to him. Performing a Paragon action leads to Shepard staring at the volus' back as he is about to valiantly waddle in to the next room and get perforated, then gently nudging him. The volus very slowly pitches forward and lands flat on his face. Wonderful visual comedy.
** "I'll nap. Destroy the universe later..."
--->'''Kasumi:''' [[ImTakingHerHomeWithMe Awww, can we keep him?]]
** Or the Renegade option with Shepard's sarcastic "charge."
--->'''Jack:''' That was mean... but damn funny.
** If you pick the Renegade option, the volus summons a biotic charge and throws it at Wasea, the mercenary leader... only to have it be a tiny little spark, which sputters out and pops right at the end of her nose. Wasea then proceeds to one-shot the volus with her own biotic charge.
*** Made even funnier by how Niftu Cal completely brushes her off before getting killed, giving a "bitch please" gesture as he turns to leave.
*** Jack bets fifteen credits he doesn't get five feet.
*** Then there's Zaeed's line, which is just ''dripping'' with contempt:
----> '''Zaeed''': Sleep well...you deluded '''jackass.'''
*** Thane's line is both funny and kind of sweet:
----> '''Thane''': Sleep well... [[ShoutOut and dream]] [[Film/ThePrincessBride of bulbous women]].
*** If you have Legion with you, it will remark in a [[HiddenDepths surprisingly contemplative manner]] that the first thing a god must master is itself.
*** All Grunt can do in reaction is just shake his head at Shepard. Words failed him utterly.
*** And just how does Niftu Cal introduce himself? He stumbles until his head collides with Shepard's groin.
*** He is a great wind that will sweep all before him like a... a [[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment great]] [[ShapedLikeItself wind]]!
** Possibly my favorite reaction of that entire scene. When Nifu introduces himself and you have Legion in your party, Shepard looks to Legion. Legion ''shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head''. 1,183 programs running in it and they all basically say "We are just as confused as you are".
* The engineering section has a comment for every occasion, from acquiring members to ship upgrades, including this little gem after getting Jack on your team:
-->'''Gabriella Daniels''': So, Kenneth, did you know we have a crazy woman squatting down in the sub-deck?
-->'''Kenneth Donnelly''': What!? If she touches anything, I'll kill her!
-->'''Gabriella Daniels''': Oh, and the only thing she wears from the waist up is tattoos.
-->'''Kenneth Donnelly''': Oh, maybe I should go down and welcome her aboard...
-->'''Gabriella Daniels''': And she's a murderer. Has biotic powers that could crush you with a blink. Hates everyone in Cerberus.
-->'''Kenneth Donnelly''': Dammit girl, stop toying with me!
** How could you forget about:
--->'''Ken:''' So, Gabby, what do you think of our new quarian boss?
--->'''Gabby:''' Hush, she's right over there.
--->'''Ken:''' Gah, she can't hear us with her head in that bucket... Don't get me wrong, it's a ''beautiful'' bucket.. The whole suit is lovely, quite snug in all the right places...
--->'''Tali:''' You ''know'' I can hear you.
** My personal favorite:
--->'''Ken:''' Gabby, you'd say that the Normandy is a she, not a he, right?
--->'''Gabby:''' Of course, the Normandy is the sweetest girl there is.
--->'''Ken:''' And EDI's a she, Tali's definitely a she...
--->'''Gabby:''' What are you getting at, Kenneth?
--->'''Ken:''' I'm just saying I'm feeling a wee bit threatened here, a lot of female energy, and I'm just one man.
--->'''Gabby:''' You're such a dick.
--->'''Ken:''' See? Look where your mind went. I've got to watch out for myself.
** And then there's this little exchange:
--->'''Gabriella Daniels''': I hear Rupert's been cooking some decent food lately.
--->'''Kenneth Donnelly''': Eh. That scunner couldn't make a good haggis if his life depended on it.
--->'''Gabriella Daniels''': All haggis tastes like ass anyway.
--->'''Kenneth Donnelly''': Aye, but in the right hands it can taste like mighty fine ass.
** And don't forget this:
--->'''Gabriella Daniels''': The new armor reinforcements really threw off the gravimetric profiles. But engines are good to go. I rebalanced the Gillbourne coefficients and adjusted the anterior intakes on the second tier stabilizers.
--->'''Kenneth Donnelly''': I love it when you talk dirty.
** If you give them their FBA couplings and talk to them after getting Tali, she joins in on the poker game. If Shepard says that s/he plays for keeps, Tali has a mild OhCrap moment, wondering what she got herself into, and after Shep wins she says "And I thought ''I'' had a good poker face."
* After Garrus's recruitment mission the following conversation takes place:
-->'''Garrus''': Nobody would give me a mirror. How bad is it?
-->'''Shepard''': Hell, Garrus, you were always ugly. Just slap on some facepaint and you won't be able to tell the difference.
-->'''Garrus''': *laughs* Damn that hurts, my face is ''barely'' holding together as it is. It's just as well, everyone was always ignoring ''you'' and hitting on ''me''. At least now this gives you a fair shot.
** Alternatively (If Shepard is female):
--->'''Garrus''': Don't make me laugh, my face is barely holding together as it is. Some women find facial scars...attractive. Mind you, most of those women are krogan.
*** That seems to be the first sign that he's a romance, with the slow, cautious way he says it while focusing entirely on Shepard. Somehow, that just makes it even more hilarious - but then again, most of his dialogue in the romance is hilarious and adorable at the same time.
*** Also note that this is probably early enough in the game where Shepard still has some of his/her own scars from being stitched back together after a two-year case of the dead. By comparison, Garrus got off easy.
* After you complete Miranda's loyalty quest, you get a message from her sister Oriana, which ends with these postscripts.
-->PS. Don't tell her I sent you this. It would just make her angry.
-->PPS. Miranda, quit looking at Shepard's messages. Oh, don't act like you don't. It's what I'd do.
** It gets even better in Lair of The Shadow Broker. On one of his terminals you can find recorded things on all of your crew members including a chat between Miranda and her sister about a boy Miranda's sister likes. Miranda occasionally drops some personal info on him to try to help her. By personal I mean everything from eye color to when he broke a bone. That's just creepy.
*** And when Oriana asks Miranda how to get the boy to notice her, Miranda delivers some heartfelt advice... straight from an agony aunt column.
----> '''Oriana:''' We have the extranet here as well, sis. God!
* Grunt's recruitment, which overlaps with CMOA. It's a tense scene, with Grunt pinning Shepard by the neck and threatening to kill him/her, while Shepard is calmly reasoning with the krogan. Eventually, Grunt decides that Shepard is more useful alive and Shepard says "I'm glad you saw reason." Then the camera pans out to reveal [[spoiler:the whole time Shepard had a gun pointed at Grunt's chest. ''Which Grunt has just figured out.'']] "Huh?"
--> '''Joker:''' Did you collect stray cats as a kid? Because we really ''needed'' a mega-krogan. Thanks for dragging him home.
* And after you visit Tuchanka:
--> '''Joker''': You know, Commander, I'm not real broke up that Wrex isn't coming. I'm good with our current amount of headbutting. I'd say we're at headbutting capacity.
* As the ''Normandy'' is escaping [[spoiler:the explosion/wave of radiation that destroys the Collector Base]]:
--> '''EDI:''' Detonation in ten, nine, eight -
--> '''Joker:''' Yeah, I get the gist of it, EDI! Hold on!
* During Legion's loyalty quest when you've triggered the EM flux.
--> '''Legion''': Alert: EM flux will be hazardous to un-shielded organic forms. Addendum: The interior of this station is not shielded.
--> '''Shepard''': [[NowYouTellMe I really wish you'd said that before.]]
* "You ''what''?! Councillor, do the words 'political shitstorm' mean anything to you?" ...The fact that it's Udina who says it - and the tone of voice he says it in - just makes it ''that much funnier''.
* The name of Admiral Koris's, a quarian captain, ship is the Qwib Qwib. While funny enough, it makes his full name Admiral Koris vas Qwib Qwib. He laments that he cannot change the ship's name to a respectable quarian name, like Iktomi or Defranzh. Take a moment and think about what his full name would be then.
** As an added kick in the nuts, his environmental suit is ''pink''.
** Tali's introduction of the Admiral is even better.
---> '''Tali''': This is Admiral Koris vas Qwib Qwib. (Quietly to the side) [[SchmuckBait Don't ask about the name]].
** And when you DO ask about the name...
---> '''Tali''': (In a mortified tone) [[FacePalm Ohhh, here we go...]]
** Seems to double as a shout-out to FredSaberhagen's Literature/{{Berserker}} stories. Or possibly a hint. Given that a qwib-qwib is (adjusting for universe equivalent terminology) an anti-Reaper Reaper...
** For those who don't get the Iktomi or Defranzh jokes, Quarian naming conventions include the name of the ship on which that quarian is crew preceded by "vas". So, for example, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy/Neema/whatever. Now sound the other two out in the same fashion.
* Most of the NPC shoppers. Especially:
--> '''Asari:''' Wait. Did you hack your translator so you could control your kinetic language processing?
--> '''Elcor:''' With a sincerity such that skepticism would be deeply insulting; [[BlatantLies no]].
* On the Citadel, the turian and asari couple looking at souvenirs. She suggests a model ship -- "Honey, I'm an engineer. I look at ships all day."
** Shortly followed by: "The important thing is to embrace the time you have to spend with the fish!" "Is this the lifespan talk? I am not having the lifespan talk."
*** Then when he complains that she's ruined the Citadel for him, she says, in a happy, satisfied voice, "The fish it is!"
* Joker and EDI. Most of their exchanges, but especially when they start getting along.
-->'''Shepard:''' I notice you're calling EDI "her" and "she" now.
-->'''Joker:''' Huh. No. I didn't really notice that. EDI, should I have noticed that?
-->'''EDI:''' No, Jeff. It is not worth noting.
-->'''Joker:''' Well, there you go, Shepard. Looks like we haven't noticed anything.
-->'''Shepard:''' I think you're taking the human-machine interface a little far.
-->'''Joker:''' I'm just having a little fun with you, Commander. No need to go all "Unnatural!" on me.
-->'''EDI:''' What Jeff and I are exhibiting is more a platonic symbiosis than hormonally-induced courtship behavior.
-->'''Joker:''' Okay, yeah, that was a little creepy.
* In the first game there was a turian shopkeeper continually fending off a human customer who wanted a refund. Upon your return to the Citadel you overhear a salarian and a human talking--a human that turns out to be the same one, ''still'' trying to get a refund or a replacement from the same turian. ''Two years later.''
* [[{{Futurama}} "Next thing you're gonna tell me is he's a quint and craps dark matter."]]
* There's a bachelor party you can overhear on Illium, with an asari stripper paid to dance on the tabletop for a salarian who vainly tries to explain why his race's customs are somewhat different. He is slowly...convinced by the dancer's skills.
** "We've been coworkers for five years. Aren't salarian years like dog years?" "Alright, now that's offensive!" As well as: "It's called a belly button, humans and asari have them, and you're gonna be doing shots out of it later tonight." "That can't be sanitary." "NOT THE POINT, man!"
** Especially hilarious considering that the salarians aren't supposed to have any biological sexual drive ''at all''. Yet he ''still'' gets turned on...somehow.
*** Twice as hilarious when the trio realize that the asari looks different to each of them - basically, each sees her as a female of their own species, only blue. They don't seem certain whether they find that creepy or kinky.
*** Not quite. They seem to be concentrating on different factors of the dancer's anatomy; the salarian to her flexibility, the turian to her head-crest, etc. The mind-control comment is more like a lampshading than an actual fact. It doesn't help that they're all drunk, and as the bartender in the place demonstrates, a good drink seems to literally make people more attractive (another [[CrowningMomentOfFunny CMoF]], by the way).
**** Which is funny considering I find the bartender more attractive ''without'' the drink's effects.
***** Same. Without a drink she just looks like a rather unattractive woman. After a drink or two she looks like a drag queen.
* Recruiting Archangel is a bit of this with a ton of CrowningMomentOfAwesome.
-->'''Shepard:''' How did you manage to piss off every major merc organization in the Terminus Systems?
-->'''Archangel:''': It wasn't easy... I ''really'' had to work at it.
* When you first board the [[spoiler:new]] Normandy, hang around the forward bridge next to Joker before you talk to him. If you wait long enough, [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObVxYYB0knA epic]] [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlqdQeocsjg lulz]] [[HilarityEnsues ensue]].
** In a similar vein, before they reconcile, some of his interaction with EDI are hilarious. For instance, Joker turns in his chair to talk with Shepard. After a few lines, EDI takes control of the chair and spins it in random directions.
* Shepard dancing. PERIOD. The guy can't dance at all!
** Even better when he's in the Collector armor, including the creepy alien helmet with full faceplate.
** Well, mainly male Shepard. Female Shepard is a better dancer.
*** ...YouKeepTellingYourselfThat.
* When first talking to Illusive Man, Shepard can ask about Cerberus, about why s/he was revived, about the threat they face. Or s/he can ask if being revived means his/her junk still works.
-->'''Shepard:''' I noticed a few upgrades. I hope you didn't replace anything really important.
* During Shepard's first conversation with Joker on the refurbished Normandy, Joker is waxing enthusiastic about the new luxuries like leather upholstery, lacking on the original, while expressing his dislike of his new A.I. copilot. One possible convo option:
-->'''Shepard:''' Enjoy it, Joker. If we're stuck here, we might as well enjoy it.
-->'''Joker:''' Does it breach uniform regs if I get that on a crew shirt? Because this is my favorite "you have no choice" choice ever.
-->'''Shepard:''' Technically this is a civilian ship. I'm probably lucky you're still wearing pants.
** Of course, the scene would have been infinitely funnier if you later showed up on the bridge to find Joker not wearing any pants.
* Doing Mordin's loyalty mission.
--> '''Garrus:''' Hospitals are no fun to fight in.
--> '''Shepard:''' Where IS fun to fight, Garrus?
--> '''Garrus:''' Gardens. Electronics shops. Antique stores, but ''only'' if they're classy.
** Couples with CrowningMomentOfHeartwarming when you realise that it was ''Shepard'' who asks what places are fun to fight in.
** Becomes clearly GallowsHumor when in ''3'' he says "I thought hospitals were ugly to fight through. This is so much worse."
* To the asari suspected of being a geth infiltrator:
--> '''Shepard:''' Look, little girl. When you want a problem shot, ask a turian. When you want a problem talked to death, ask an asari. When you want a new problem, ask a salarian. When you want a problem ''fixed'', ask a human.
* Fortack, the krogan scientist, when asked why he'd work with salarians even though they produced the genophage: "Why not? What's the worst thing they can do? It's not like they can make us any ''more'' infertile. ({{Beat}}) ...Um, wait. Forget I said anything."
** [[spoiler: Might be HarsherInHindsight when you find out from Mordin that the salarians actually did enhance the genophage to counter krogan adaptation to it - to maintain the level of infertility rather than to make them even more infertile, but that's not likely much of a distinction from a krogan perspective.]]
** If Mordin's with you at the time, he says "Salarians created genophage... [[OrSoIHeard I've heard]]. Still trust them with medicines and agriculture?"
** There's also this:
--->'''Fortack''': My predecessor said no one would understand the true worth of my work. As I pulled my blade from his chest, I knew he was telling the truth.
--->'''Shepard''': Not exactly what I would call effective academic peer review.
* When Shepard and Thane are talking to Captain Bailey about a boy who gave Thane's son a name to talk to about an assassination contract, Bailey mentions how the boy was making shoddy [=VIs=] to sell on the side.
--> '''Bailey''': Actually, he was selling one of you.
--> '''Shepard''': Me?
--> '''Bailey''': Yeah. When you erased a file, it would say "I delete data like you on the way to ''real'' errors."
--> '''Garrus/Tali''' (if he's/she's there): That's pretty...extreme, Commander.
--> '''Shepard''': Laugh it up, Garrus/Tali.
--> '''Bailey''': Buggy, though. It crashed every half-hour and the error message was about how the galaxy was at stake and you should fix the problem yourself.
** A funny thing is that you can tell Mouse that you won't turn him in if he gives you one of those!
** Or you can demand a cut of the profits.
* During Mordin's loyalty quest Shepard can comment on the krogans experimenting on humans by saying that this is what made Cerberus look like the better option. If Miranda is in your squad she will chime in.
-->"My report will mention that."
* Meeting Wrex on Tuchanka, and telling him where you've been the last two years.
--> '''Shepard''': The Normandy was destroyed. I ended up spaced.
--> '''Wrex''': Well, you look good. Ah, the benefits of a redundant nervous system, eh?
--> '''Shepard''': Yeah, humans don't have those.
--> '''Wrex''': Oh. That must have been very painful for you, then.
* Through hacking, you can place party members recruited in the second half of the game (say, Legion) into your squad in the first half of the game. Oddly, [[DummiedOut they still have lines]]. When brought along to Purgatory to free Jack, after Renegade Shepard tells her "I'm offering to be your friend. You don't want to be my enemy," Legion has this absolute ''gem'' to say.
-->'''Legion''': [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxKszB9_RnY There is a high statistical probability of death by gunshot. A punch to the face is also likely.]]
** Legion is always a source of mission humor. For example, If Grunt is brought along on Legion's Loyalty Mission and Shepard mentions the ethics of treating aliens differently, Grunt asks if it would be an issue if he punched Legion. Legion replies that it would not be damaged but Grunt's hand may be.
*** During Samara's recruitment, if Shepard suggests not following the order to arrest the Justicar, Legion will note that they are ordered into deadly situations "an average of 2.73 instances per day. Rounding down."
**** In Rodam Expeditions, using the Renegade option to get a discount prompts the salesman to request a geth's head to make into a desk lamp. Legion notes that functionality is not in the geth's specifications.
* A volus on the Citadel wastes absolutely no time in getting outraged over this poor choice of words.
-->"You need to calm down and take a deep breath."
-->"You're mocking '''*deep breath*''' me!"
* One of Mordin's random lines when using his Incinerate power is particularly funny.
-->'''Mordin''': [[YouKeepUsingThatWord Inflammable! Or flammable, forget which. Doesn't matter!]]
** Bit of FridgeBrilliance. They are synonyms. It really doesn't matter!
* '''Grunt:''' [[ChronicBackstabbingDisorder I'm not going to stab you in the back, Shepard]]. Fighters like you and me... right in the face. *{{beat}}* ...Kidding, kidding!
* After [[spoiler:destroying the Collector's base]], Shepard indulge him/herself and flips off [[spoiler:the Illusive Man]].
-->'''Shepard:''' I'm sorry, I have trouble hearing you. I'm getting a lot of bullshit on this line.
** And the look on the Illusive Man's face after you finish talking to him is just ''priceless''.
* During Jack's romance, one of the dialogue options telling her that you're going to stay with her even if she is really messed up has her ask Shepard "What are you, nuts?" His response: "I'm also technically undead, so do your worst."
* After Shepherd explains to Tali that s/he isn't working for Cerberus, "they're working for [him/her]".
-->'''Tali''': So ''you'' ordered the listening devices and tracking beacons that are all over this ship?
* The ending of the ''Hamlet'' advertisement on the Citadel. Due to the elcor saying what tone they're speaking in before saying the sentence, it results in this.
-->"Insincere endorsement: You have not experienced Shakespeare until you have heard him in the voice of elcor."
* The [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kr68ynrKVo0 Tupari drinks machine on the Citadel]]. The more you interact with it, the more its enthusiasm becomes... ''worrying'':
-->"Nine out of Ten Tupari drinkers recommend Tupari to their friends. The last one is '''ON MY LIST.'''"
-->"[[CelebrityEndorsement Commander Shepard drinks Tupari!]] Don't you want to be like Commander Shepard? ''Commander Shepard is referenced [[OurLawyersAdvisedThisTrope under a license]] from Alliance Military Recruitment Services''."
-->"I knew a man who went three days without a Tupari Sports drink. He got hit by a shuttle!"
-->"Tupari: [[BiteTheWaxTadpole Brings your ancestors back from the grave!]]
* If you bring Grunt and Jacob into the plague zone this conversation occurs near the burning bodies.
-->'''Jacob:''' They're burning the dead in the streets, must be trying to stop the plague spreading.
-->'''Grunt:''' Anyone else hungry?..... Just me?
-->'''Jacob:''' Gonna pretend I never heard that.
** Also Grunt yelling at the plague as he starts coughing.
--->'''"I don't get sick."'''
*** Garrus' line at that same point:
----> "Is it hot in here or is it just...*coughs* Oh, that's not good.
** If you bring Jack it's even better.
--->'''Jack''': ...And you guys think I'm nuts?
* A volus on Illium seems to ''really'' be CompensatingForSomething, demanding "high performance upgrades."
-->'''Volus:''' I want something that says, I own this room. I own ''you''.
** The fact he's trying to hit on the asari, as well as trying to get asari-compatible reproductive upgrades, adds an extra level of hilarity.
** And then she calls him a loser when it turns out he obviously can't afford what he was trying to buy.
* The DNA hunt. Shepard doesn't find anything in the plant.
-->'''Kasumi:''' It's a plant!
** And you can accidentally set off the alarm clock in this "quiet" (We have dismissed that claim.) quest.
** And when you try to find DNA from the couch.
--->'''Shepard:''' Aha!
--->'''Kasumi:''' Found DNA?
--->'''Shepard:''' No, a credit chit. *gets 1 credit* (And that credit is in your rewards, too!)
* Kasumi on Grunt's recruitment quest. If you meet Rana Thanoptis, she comments, "She seems nice... in a mad scientist ethics-for-sale kind of way."
** It seems to be a ''BaldursGate'' ShoutOut, reminiscent of Jaheira's classic retort to Xzar: "You are amusing, in a 'what the hell is wrong with you' kind of way."
* Shepard's reaction to Grunt's character development is rather classic especially the bit where Grunt finds a field of corpses funny.
-->'''Shepard''': Yeah, I don't think I'll be coming down here anymore.
* Thane's loyalty mission, during the interrogation of Elias Kelham after he has been knocked out:
-->'''Shepard''': For as feared as he is I thought he'd last longer.
-->'''Thane''': Shepard, he's just a common criminal. You killed a ''Reaper''.
* When the quarian in the bar on Illium is discussing her suit's built-in "nerve-stimulation program" with her turian friend. She's about to fire it up -- in public -- when she catches Shepard eavesdropping.
-->'''Quarian:''' Ex''cuse'' me, human. Private con-ver-say-she-on?
* Kasumi's comments to Shepard if he had sex with Miranda.
-->Shepard. The engine room? Down where Tali works?
** Seems we've figured out Kasumi's [[ShipperOnDeck preferred pairing]]!
* The first conversation with Joker and EDI can produce this gem.
-->'''Joker:''' Commander, can we shut this thing off?
-->'''Shepard:''' If you don't want to hear it, turn the damn sound off.
-->'''Joker:''' That doesn't change anything, it's still watching. Like some creepy kid staring at the back of your head in comp sci, and you just want to punch him, but you can't, 'cause he's special, and he sets fires or something. Okay a little too far there, but you know what I mean.
-->'''Shepard:''' Your problem, not mine.
-->'''Joker:''' Thanks, I'll remember this.
* During Mordin's loyalty mission:
-->'''Mordin:''' Have killed many people, many ways, guns, knives, drugs, tech attacks, once with farming equipment but never with medicine!
** In Lair of the Shadow Broker, you learn the story, and it's a CrowningMomentOfAwesome, involving a few funny moments as well, such as Mordin's opinion that Captain Kirrahe has an obstruction in his cloaca, and his further opinion that the obstruction is Kirrahe's cranium.
* On the Citadel when Avina mentions that the geth were behind the attack, Kasumi will deliver this:
-->'''Kasumi:''' They're really selling the "geth did it" message. I bet you can't even say "Reapers" without inciting a panic. "Reapers!"
* On discovering the nature of Grunt's "illness":
-->'''Garrus:''' So this is adolescence? Can't we just take him to Omega and buy him a few dances?
** Thane saying "Fascinating," is possibly the most bored-sounding voice ever heard by sentient life.
* Taking Kasumi through the C-Sec tunnel before Shepard regains his/her Spectre status:
-->'''Kasumi:''' (''buzzer goes off'') I swear I didn't touch anything!
* The human and turian in Rodam arguing about what weapon to buy with the turian constantly talking about the shotgun.
** Hell, the vendor in Rodam's ridiculous over-enthusiasm, what with hiding behind his desk and holding an imaginary gun like a ten year old playing soldiers.
* Renegade Shepard [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cn-swno6Ej8 tricking the stock boy]] during Thane's loyalty mission.
** "Ha ha ha ha ha, I can't believe [[DontAskJustRun that]] actually worked."
* If Morinth is with Grunt on Tuchanka, we get this:
-->'''Morinth:''' I love krogan. Passionate, violent. They burn bright, and quickly burn out.
-->'''Grunt:''' (Disgusted) Go away, asari slut.
-->'''Morinth:''' I love it when you're angry.
* During the Overlord DLC, if you attack a cow on the planet with the Hammerhead, the vehicle notes something that is quite obvious.
-->'''Hammerhead:''' Analysis: Defenseless herbivores are no match for guided missiles.
** Nevermind the hilarity of [[CarFu running over one of the cows with a hovertank]].
** The VI for the Hammerhead is programmed to alert you to many things... including, while on that planet, ''if there's a nice view''.
* Another gem from the Overlord DLC comes when you get to the end of Vulcan station. You find a lone VI-controlled [[MechaMook LOKI mech]] trying to break the override control. It spots you and, at first, holds up its hands like it's trying to surrender. Shepard motions with his/her hand and your squadmates shoot off its left arm. The mech looks at it, then raises the pistol in its other hand only for that arm to get blown off as well, prompting the VI to stop controlling it. The dazed mech will glance around, then run off. Gets funnier when you notice it hasn't left the room you're in and it stands next to Shepard who takes out his/her pistol. Then a Renegade interrupt prompt appears. [[BoomHeadshot One guess as to what the interrupt is.]]
** Not taking said Renegade interrupt is even more hilarious, since that results in one of your buddies doing it, startling Shepard, and responding to his/her accusing look with a shrug.
* More Overlord DLC humor in the form of 'research logs' on the Prometheus station, where a [[DeadpanSnarker deadpan]] Cerebus Researcher comments about one Lanigan's antics about scaring the other researchers with the possibility of the geth reviving. [[spoiler:[[FunnyAneurysmMoment Of course, the VI takes over their station and infects every machine in the place...]]]]:
-->'''Cerebus Researcher:''' Lanigan just ran a simulation--if these geth ever wake up, there's a 98% chance we'll be dead in two minutes. I'm starting to hate Lanigan.
** The log after that:
--->'''Cerebus Researcher:''' Halloween was yesterday. Lanigan ran around wearing spare geth parts. Spooked the shit out of everyone. Now I definitely hate him.
* Overlord is full of dark humor. Such as the InterfaceScrew with the door lock icons. You approach one door with a red icon, and the "Bypass Door" tooltip. The door opens automatically when you approach. Another set of doors are next to each other. Try to open the green door, and the red one next to it opens instead. Finally, one last door, when you try to open it, instead has the icon ''slowly'' slide along the wall to another door before opening ''that'' one.
* Vulcan Station partially averts NoOSHACompliance; there are catwalks above [[BuffySpeak hot geothermaly things]], but many of them have railings. The funny part is that your squadmates will autonomously climb up on things during fights - including those railings. What the hell are you guys doing?
* Bringing Kasumi on Mordin's loyalty mission:
-->'''Mordin''': Repurposed krogan hospital. Sturdy. Built to withstand punishment.
-->'''Kasumi''': You sound like you know the place.
-->'''Mordin''': Hmm. Good site for genophage drops. Efficient dispersal through clan population.
-->'''Kasumi''': Are you ''always'' thinking about stuff like this?
-->'''Mordin''': Not always. Sometimes I fall asleep.
* Another gem from Mordin:
-->'''Shepard''': Do you ever pause for breath?
-->'''Mordin''': Sorry. I'll...try...to...slow...down. [[MotorMouth No,nonono.Can'tdoit.]]
* This gem after the Krogan Shaman has explained the intense regimen he needs to stick to to be a Shaman.
-->'''Grunt:''' Your job is awful.
-->'''Shaman:''' Indeed.
* If you tell Mordin that you're "not interested" in Miranda when he gives you the birds and the bees talk nets you this gem:
-->'''Mordin''': So sorry. Small ship, word travels fast. Mutations of information. [[HilariousInHindsight Hope rumors of Joker and EDI similarly false]].
* In 'Lair of the Shadow Broker' DLC, ANY of the [[LikeAnOldMarriedCouple banter between Shepard and Liara]]. Especially during the [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Syk4uMKMJGk car chase]]:
-->'''Liara''': Go go go go go go!
-->'''Shepard''': I'm going!

-->'''Shepard''': What kind of guns does this thing have?
-->'''Liara''': It's a taxi! It has a fare meter!
-->'''Shepard''': Wonderful.

-->'''Liara''': Truck!
-->'''Shepard''': I know.
-->'''Liara''': TRUCK!
-->'''Shepard''': ''I know!''
-->(dodges the truck)
-->'''Liara''': Yaaah!
-->'''Shepard''': There we go!
-->'''Liara''': You're enjoying this.
** Then, moments later:
--->'''Liara''': Truck!
--->'''Shepard''': Again?

--->'''Liara''': A head-on collision at this speed...
--->'''Shepard''': Yeah, I hear those can be bad for you.

--->'''Liara''': Traffic! Oncoming traffic!
--->'''Shepard''': ''(unfazed)'' We'll be fine!
** After taking a couple of collisions:
--->'''Liara''': Oof!
--->'''Shepard''': You okay?
--->'''Liara''': [[LampshadeHanging Still better than the Mako.]]
** And right [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGwX0UpHXCc before]] the car chase, as Shepard walks up to the car, "I'm fine, by the way, thanks for asking." (This after falling a story or two while wrestling with an asari)
*** Later, a Paragon interrupt reveals s/he's actually quite put out by that.
** When Shepard [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAuh8GSJDWc asks]] about the Azure hotel:
--->'''Shepard''': ''(looking at a giant screen with asari dancers)'' What kind of hotel is this?
--->'''Liara''': Azure. It's a luxury resort with an... "exotic" edge. "Azure" is slang for a part of the asari body in some areas of Illium.
--->'''Shepard''': Where?
--->'''Liara''': In the lower reaches, near the bottom.
--->'''Shepard''': I meant where on the asari body.
--->'''Liara''': So did I.
** And, later, while infiltrating the Shadow Broker's base:
--->'''Liara''': Okay... [[DontLookDown looking down was clearly a mistake.]]

--->'''Liara''': Careful! Those capacitors discharge built up lightning.
--->'''Shepard''': Thanks for the tip.

--->'''Liara''': This ship is incredible! It must've taken decades to build in secret.
--->'''Shepard''': ''(sarcastically)'' I wonder [[YouHaveOutlivedYourUsefulness what happened to the contractors?]]
--->'''Liara''': I think we can guess.

--->'''Liara''': Navigating this storm is brutal. If the engines stop for even a moment... at least the Shadow Broker would go down with us.
--->'''Shepard''': [[DeadpanSnarker That's comforting.]]

--->'''Shepard''': [[NoOSHACompliance Not even a guard rail]]. I bet the Broker's agents ''love'' patrolling the hull.
--->'''Liara''': [[LampshadeHanging At least]] [[SceneryPorn the view is nice.]]

--->'''Liara''': The drones are disorganized. They'd be much more effective if they worked together.
--->'''Shepard''': Please don't give the mercs ideas.

--->'''Liara''': This next wave looks like a big one.
--->'''Shepard''': [[YouJustHadToSayIt You just]] ''[[YouJustHadToSayIt had]]'' [[YouJustHadToSayIt to give them tactical advice!]]
--->'''Liara''': But now there'll be fewer to deal with inside.
--->'''Shepard''': Keep dreaming, T'Soni.

--->'''Liara''': *inside the base* ''More'' of them? How many guards does the Shadow Broker have?
--->'''Shepard''': [[IWarnedYou I told you.]]

--->'''Shepard''': [[LampshadeHanging Remember the old days when you could just slap omnigel on everything?]]
--->'''Liara''': That security upgrade made a lot of people unhappy.

--->'''Shepard''': (On the override gizmo for the door) How long is this going to take?
--->'''Liara''': (sigh) I don't know, Shepard. I've never broken into the Shadow Broker's base before. Well, not this one anyway.
--->''A few dead agents later...''
--->'''Shepard''': Are you sure that shunt is working?!
--->'''Liara''': It's illegal even on Ilium. It didn't come with a warranty.
--->'''Shepard''': But you tested it, right?
--->'''Liara''': Here come more of them!
--->'''Shepard''': Right? Liara?
--->'''Liara''': No time to talk!
** Also, some of the Shadow Broker security feeds. The best ones are Elias Kelham's 'solution' to the Joram Talid problem. And our favorite reporter interviewing a krogan...with predictable results. WHAM.
*** Later on, our favorite reporter gets her ass kicked ''by a volus''. Then again, that volus was a vicious, shin punching bastard.
*** Then, instead of going for a [[RuleOfThree hat trick]], they show her [[StraightGay making out]] [[HypocriticalHumor with an asari]].
** The [[http://masseffect.wikia.com/wiki/Category:Shadow_Broker_Dossiers Dossiers]] are full of these:
*** Kasumi's [[StalkerWithACrush Love Haiku]] about Jacob.
*** Legion's gaming statistics. Some [[Heartwarming/MassEffect CMOHs]] in those as well (bought the charity edition of the Eden Prime Geth Attack game... and never played it. Donation level: "ULTRA PLATINUM."
*** Legion's games include "[[ShoutOut N7]] [[MedalOfHonor Code of Honor]]: [[CallOfDuty Medal of Duty]]", [[VideoGame/WorldOfWarcraft Galaxy of Fantasy]], [[VideoGame/GrandTheftAuto Grim Terminus Alliance]] and his info on this one is win: ''Fleet and Flotilla: Interactive Cross-Species Relationship Simulator'': "Based on the Bestselling Vid!". Playtime: 75 hours, 6 minutes. Player Score: 15 (Hopeless)"
*** Legion has 4 infractions in ''Galaxy Of Fantasy''. Three of them are insane feats that the game admins considered to be impossible, though Legion somehow got them overturned, but the fourth was a suspension for unsportsmanlike conduct (taunting players). He did not file a dispute.
*** Also, his gamer handle - "[=Infiltrait0rN7=]".
*** And we finally learn the story of Mordin and that farming equipment. Also, the Illusive Man's [[DirtyOldMan recent sexual history]].
*** And apparently the only person he's bedded twice recently was an asari matriatch. So much for his HumanityIsSuperior stance.
*** Although, given some of the antics that happen in RealLife, he might ''still'' be maintaining human dominance.
*** Consider this next time that he tells you that humanity [[StealthPun always comes first.]]
*** Hell, the entire summary of Mordin's mission with Kirrahe is hilarious. The farming equipment story is the icing on the cake. NoodleIncident no more!
----> '''21:41''' - Mission Specialist Solus suggests change to plan; when informed that plan will not be changing unless parameters shift, Specialist Solus suggests Commander Kirrahe has foreign object in cloaca.
----> '''21:43''' - Operative Rentola detects incoming Weyrloc scouts.
----> '''21:47''' - Scouts neutralized. Rentola treated for minor injuries. After assisting, Specialist Solus asks if failure to land undetected constitutes parameter shift. Commander Kirrahe suggests operation may proceed as planned. Specialist Solus suggests cloacal obstruction is in fact Kirrahe's cranium.
----> .....
----> '''23:12''' - Distraction team breaks radio silence, informs primary team that Weyrloc group returning. Specialist Solus asks whether this constitutes parameter shift. Commander Kirrahe suggests that Specialist Solus is in fact a walking cloaca, restates importance of holding the line.
----> '''23:13''' - Weyrloc team arrives at agricenter and initiates close-quarters combat. Operatives Jirin and Chorel killed. Specialist Maelon and Operatives Hishau and Shenok seriously injured. Weyrloc team killed in entirety. Last member prevented from broadcasting alarm due to Specialist Solus stabbing Weyrloc guard through eye with pitchfork, sustaining injuries to face and right cranial horn in process.
----> '''23:16''' - Distraction team arrives to provide relief. Commander Kirrahe notes parameter shift, suggests Rentola take injured members back to ship while he and remainder of team attempt to hit secondary drop point. Despite injuries to face and head, Specialist Solus refuses to return to ship, noting need for soil and water analysis at secondary site. Kirrahe suggests Solus is one tough cloaca.
*** Tali's hesitation on whether or not to get the... nerve stimulation progam. And after installing it and uninstalling it several times, she finally settles down. After installing the ''pro edition'' of the program.
*** We find out that Grunt downloads porn. Specifically, asari porn. Well, he is a teenager...
*** What, no mention of the fact that Grunt reads ''Hemingway''? And that he bought a Krogan Battlemaster Action Figure "with real smash your enemies actions"?
*** After Grunt read ''Literature/TheOldManAndTheSea'' [[HiddenDepths all the]] [[GeniusBruiser way through]], he then searched for "sharks". Suggesting that he didn't know what a shark was while he read it.
*** [[http://masseffect.wikia.com/wiki/Shadow_Broker_Dossiers/Garrus_Vakarian Garrus]] liked killing criminals in [[KarmicDeath ironic ways]].
----> Har Urek (saboteur) - Suffocation (environmental suit malfunction)
---->Gus Williams (weapons smuggler) - Headshot (smuggled weapon)
---->Thralog Mirki'it (red sand dealer) - Chemical overdose (red sand, direct contact with all four eyes)
---->Zel'Aenik nar Helash (viral specialist, serial killer) - Cough
*** Thane's preferred assassination techniques when it comes to [[MadeOfIron krogan]].
----> [[DeathFromAbove Top approach]], [[EyeScream double-strike to eye ridge]], slide down between blinded target's rising arms, precision nerve strike to throat, secondary nerve strike to counter [[UnstoppableRage blood rage]], [[GroinAttack quad-kick]] to bend target, grip each side of skull, running leaping spinning [[NeckSnap neck-snap]]. Alternate: [[StuffBlowingUp Bomb]].
*** Jack got banned from both an internet forum and online poker for her actions. She also writes dark poetry.
*** Jacob's choice of videos while doing 300 crunches. [[CovertPervert One of them is implied to be asari porn.]]
*** The other ones are Blasto the Hanar action movies and ''OldYeller''.
*** In fact, Jacob and Grunt both downloaded the ''same porn'' (''Asari Confessions 26: True Blue''). Asari really do appeal to everyone!
*** Because most of Grunt's movies are the same as other characters (he also watched ''Vaena'', like Garrus), I interpreted it as Grunt watching a movie that Jacob suggested. I leave the implications of that to you.
** Miranda's correspondences with various men on "iPartner Connections". Some of them are extremely brief:
---> Heeeeey baby! How's about a pic? Let's get this-
---> [DISCONNECT]
*** Which really puts that load screen about how "there are no decent galactic dating services" into perspective.
* The timing and Wrex's matter-of-fact acceptance that Warlord Okeer is dead is great:
--> '''Wrex:''' Okeer's an old name. A very hated name.
--> '''Grunt:''' He is dead.
--> '''Wrex:''' (Without missing a beat) Of course. You're with Shepard. How could he be alive?
* On discussing your relationship with Liara:
-->'''Liara''': It's been two years, I don't want to put pressure on you.
-->'''Shepard''': I have fond memories of the last time you [[DoubleEntendre put pressure on me]].
** Another great one from ''Lair of the Shadow Broker''. If you are romancing Liara, when she comes up to the captain's quarters she will mention that she ran into Joker. And then she says this.
---> '''Liara:''' Though he did ask me if you and I would be acting out scenes from some vid called Vaenia.
---> '''Shepard:''' (Embarrassed) Of course he did.
** Alternatively:
---> '''Liara:''' Although, he did ask me to record any parts of conversation where "[my] eyes did that 'freaky black eternity' thing".
---> '''Shepard:''' (Embarrassed) Of course he did.
** [[RuleOfThree Alternatively alternatively]]
---> '''Liara:''' Although, he did ask me if I had 'embraced eternity' lately.
---> '''Shepard:''' (Embarrassed) Of course he did.
** And even though the context is a bit of a TearJerker, if you've romanced Garrus and were with Liara in the first game she delivers this line if you use a Paragon interrupt to confront her about your relationship:
--->Yes, you came back, [[DoubleEntendre and now Garrus is doing a lot more than just calibrating the Normandy’s guns]]!
*** The general reaction from players to this line tends to be either hilarious laughter or {{Spit Take}}s.
** She has comments about other crew, too. Thane's is a bit MoodWhiplash considering the others.
--->'''(On Jack)''': Yes you came back, and I've been tossed aside for a tattooed woman with anger issues!
--->'''(On Miranda)''': Yes you came back, and now you'd rather pass time with Ms. Lawson and her low cut jumpsuit.
--->'''(On Tali)''': Yes you came back, and now you're itching to get under Tali's helmet!
--->'''(On Jacob)''': Yes you came back, and now you're more interested in seeing Jacob... with his shirt off.
--->'''(On Thane)''': Yes you came back, and now you're trying to take the place of a dying man's wife.
* If you meet and save the salarian workers on Thane's recruitment mission, you later get this email.
--> Liara T'Soni gave me your contact information. I was one of the cleaning crew in the Dantius Towers. You helped me get out of there. According to T'Soni, you also found Thane. He took down some of the Eclipse mercs trying to gun us down, and I wondered if you could pass along my thanks.
--> The way he moved... one was dead before they even knew he was there. He snapped another's neck, then shot a third, all in the space of a few heartbeats. It was incredible. He moved like a dancer, grace and power in constant motion.
--> Seeing him changed my life, woke up something in me I don't fully understand yet. I don't know what I'm going to do, but salarian lives are too short to waste as custodians, especially when there's so much else out there. I'm going to find something that lets me capture what I saw in him, that beauty, that aesthetic perfection.
--> [[HoYay I'm also going to buy some nice clothes]].
-->So if you could tell him that... or just whatever parts of that you think appropriate... I'd appreciate it.
* You can [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHomhkEgR9w&feature=related challenge a krogan]] in Samara's loyalty mission, then have a staredown until ''he'' backs down.
** The first part of Samara's loyalty mission is full of moments like this. The ''optimal goal'' is to be a ''massive douchebag''. If you've been playing a straight Paragon, it really gives you a chance to let loose. The aforementioned krogan stare-down, beating up a turian off-screen and flinging him across the room? Good times.
---> '''Shepard:''' I'll dance next to you. If you want to think we're dancing, go ahead.
---> '''Asari Dancer:''' I '''''do''''' wanna think that!
** Beating up the turian is even funnier if it's done by [=FemShep=] in the cocktail dress from Kasumi's loyalty mission.
* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6el8a5UoMIY Kal'Reegar's delivery]] upon meeting Legion on Haestrom is hilarious.
** "YOU'VE GOT A GETH! ''RIGHT BEHIND YOU!''"
*** "You know, ordinarily that wouldn't fly with me, but I can't afford to be picky right now!"
** Similarly, bringing Legion with you to recruit Tali gives us this this gem:
--> '''Tali:''' Shepard, it's good to see you agai- *turns around and sees Legion, gasps and draws her gun* Geth! Get down!
A Paragon interrupt prompt appears. If ignored, Tali will start firing, prompting Legion to take cover.
--> '''Legion:''' Allied fire! Taking cover! Requesting assistance, Shepard-Commander!
* Punching a pyjak. The noise they make and the way their limbs flail out like a puppet's is downright hilarious.
* Kelly's reaction to Shepard's AllGirlsWantBadBoys comment.
--> '''Kelly:''' That is a dirty stereotype. In my case it happens to be true, but ''still''.
* Your [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMxYZvESfsM first conversation]] with Mordin as a party member involves stating to him it must have been frustrating to work with such limited facilities on Omega. He immediately tells you that he loved it. It was a wonderful challenge - few resources, many patients, a lot of hostiles, he couldn't have asked for more. Then he seems to realize what he's saying, and backpedals a bit.
--> "Also enjoyed saving people, of course. Helping the helpless, greater good. All that, too."
** In the same conversation he mentions how Kirrahe's a good captain, but a bit of a cloaca, loved HeroicSacrifice-ish speeches, which Mordin doesn't understand. He dismisses this as bravado, jargon, chest-pounding - then pauses, apparently realizes who he's talking to, and says "No offense."
* A bit of [[DummiedOut cut content]] shows that the groundskeeper turian had a [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGKQhuDW6B4 few lines that didn't make it into the final game]]. Pity, because they're great lines.
--> "I think they distill it from raw antimatter. ''Antimatter alcohol.''"
--> "'Scuse me for askin', but - you're a female, right? You got those funny bumps, like an asari."
* From Thane's recruitment mission, one rescued salarian gives a piece of advice:
--> "... and tell your assassin to aim for her head... <beat> ...cause she doesn't have a heart!"
* If you don't kill the Thresher Maw during Grunt's loyalty mission, EDI's dialog regarding the breeding requests changes.
--> '''EDI''': There are several breeding requests for Grunt. And one protest.
--> '''Grunt''': Book the protester! And her sister if she has one!
** If you DO kill the Thresher, it's even better.
---> '''EDI''': In addition, killing the Thresher Maw has produced several breeding requests for Grunt. And one for Shepard.
---> '''Grunt''': HA!
* A lot of Zaeed's dialogue is funny.
--> '''Zaeed:''' (on the Geth Colossus) Did I mention demolitions cost extra?
-->'''Kaidan/Ashley:''' (to Shepard) Now I hear you're working with Cerberus.
-->'''Zaeed:''' Course you do. Its the worst kept secret in the galaxy.
-->'''Zaeed:''' (on Niftu Cal) Want me to kneecap this guy so he doesn't follow us around?
** His exchange with Tali when you confront Kor Tun:
--->'''Tali''': My head says forget it. But my gut says I should jack his olfactory filters so everything smells of refuse.
--->'''Zaeed:''' A rifle butt to the head would be faster.
* Even though the ending of Arrival is pretty serious, what with [[spoiler:destroying an entire system and everything]], Admiral Hackett delivers a line that never fails to make me laugh:
-->'''Hackett''': All I know is I sent you to break Amanda Kenson out of prison, and now [[spoiler:an entire system's been destroyed]]. I hope you could fill in the logic between those two events.
** It's even better if you remember that the whole thing was supposed to be a stealth mission. ''Oops''.
* If you walk into the opposite-sex bathroom on the 'Normandy':
-->'''EDI:''' Shepard, the men's restroom is on the ''port'' side of the ship.
* The [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWYUiVfZo9k dancing turian]] on Thane's loyalty quest. Set to "What is Love".
* During Jack's introductory scene, if you have Grunt with you, all he says when he sees Jack tear through the guards and the walls is, "Jack is small, this will be funny,", "Oh, I want to see this!", "Move! I want to see how long she'll last," and "She's blowing everything up. I like her!" when pursuing her. It's his kid-in-a-candy-store tone that seals the deal on the funny.
* When walking into Afterlife, you can confront of group of Batarians lounging in the tunnel. [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PY_DOfiAjoo The renegade option]] has a funny little moment when one of the Batarins tries giving Shepard the throat slice gesture. Shepard promptly points His/Her gun at him...and he runs like a wuss.
* This exchange during ''Dossier: The Professor'' mission:
-->'''Refugee:''' Wait, you're stopping me [from entering the plague zone] but not them? You son of a bitch!
-->'''District Guard:''' You don't have a grenade launcher, lady.
** And, just before that:
---> '''Shepard''': Take a good long look at me. Do I look like a looter?
---> '''District Guard''': Uh... No?
* Maybe it's just me, but I couldn't stop laughing in the final boss fight with [[spoiler:the human reaper]]. It just kept leaning and ducking like a baby playing peek-a-boo.
** Which, considering it was still technically a fetus, could count as FridgeBrilliance and [[FridgeHorror Horror]] at the same time...
* Kasumi is a ''massive'' optimist. Take her along on the derelict Reaper mission:
--> "Trapped inside a Reaper. Could be worse. Don't know how, but... I guess it could be full of rats."
** Shepard gets one later in the mission, as you and your squadmates come across a chasm ''full'' of the [[ImpaledWithExtremePrejudice "Dragon's Teeth" spikes]] that effectively turn their victims into Cyborg-Zombies. Your squadmates both note how this confirms them as Reaper-tech and marvels at the technology involved, before soberly remembering just what these things ''do''...
--->'''Shepard''': How about we all take a step ''back'' from the [[BuffySpeak weird alien impaling devices]]?
** Shepard also gives an awesome deadpan snark at Joker at the beginning of the mission:
--->'''Shepard''': Be ready to pick us up. Being crushed in the heart of a brown dwarf is not on today's agenda.
* You are at crotch height on a Geth Prime. If you are feeling really crazy (or have powers that let you slow down time/lock down [=AIs=]), you can beat the Geth Prime to death by repeatedly [[GroinAttack punching it in the groin]]. [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kq-Pbuxj40A#t=4m21s As demonstrated here]].
* Before you recruit Archangel, you can hear the news talking about the attack on his fortress, and musing on the man himself.
-->'''News Caster:''' Who is he? Where did he come from? ''Who gives a shit?'' He'll be dead soon anyway.
* Blowing up Donovan Hock's gunship right after he says "Do what you like to this gunship." Well, Hock, you asked.
* In a sidequest, you can come across an audio log from a recently-fired miner, stating that he's leaving the planet to help "take out some dumbass vigilante on Omega." Ask him how well ''that'' went... It's even funnier if Garrus happens to be in your party at the time.
** Sadly, Garrus does not say anything about it.
* From a meta-perspective, the enormous [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=2q1N3U9Nujg#t=60s neon "wanted" advert for Jack]] visible at 1:01--especially since you can waltz all around Illium with her....then again, you can get a geth past customs.
* YMMV greatly, but this tropette found [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0LijwIiyck&feature=feedu this scene]] to be horribly funny. It's unclear whether it's the [[DeadpanSnarker tone of voice]] or the body language (or both) that really sells it.
* The first conversation you have with Joker aboard the new Normandy:
--> '''Joker:''' We're staying though, right? I mean, this seat has real leather!
--> '''Shepard:''' Glad you're keeping it all in perspective Joker.
--> '''Joker:''' Uh, ''leather''!
* Samara can be spoken to around the varren pit fighting ring on Tuchanka. She comments on the barbarity.
-->'''Samara:''' If I survive your mission, I may return here and instruct the krogan on compassion. I will need many bullets.
* When discussing with Miranda about waking up Grunt, Renegade!Shepard refers to him as a ''paperweight''. The kicker is the Commander's plan if the Krogan gets dangerous:
-->'''Shepard:''' EDI, how quickly can the cargo hold be vented to space if there is an issue?
-->'''EDI:''' Twenty eight seconds, Shepard.
-->'''Miranda:''' And if anyone else is in the hold at the time?
-->'''Shepard:''' [[WeHaveReserves How many other crew are onboard the Normandy?]]
-->'''[[TheComicallySerious EDI:]]''' Twenty-four permanent crew, Shepard.
** Admiral Gerrel's story of service with Tali's father.
---> '''Han'Gerrel''': Our ship was under orders to hold position, but Rael looked at me and said, "We're underage. They can't charge us for breaking formation." He took the helm, I took weapons, and we brought that freighter back. The crew called us heroes. The brass called us idiots. [[RedemptionDemotion They slapped medals on our suits then kicked us off to Pilgrimage a bit earlier than usual. That's Rael for you.]]
** After Tali's trial, Shepard can tell the Quarians not to go to war. When the reply is an empty promise it will be considered s\he steps back from the podium, head shaking, arms waving, Shepard's body language screaming "why do I even bother?"
*** Also after Tali's trial, you can head up and get Joker's input on the situation. He mentions that "Some of those Quarians... I guess living aboard a ship your whole life can really mess with your priorities? [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial Not that I would know...]] ah, [[InsultFriendlyFire I just burned myself.]] Great."
* Jack's thoughts on Legion.
--> "Why not take him with us? Prop him up as a lamp. I ain't carrying shit though."
** Especially since, depending on the other party member, she does end up being the one to help Shep carry it.
* When you ask Miranda how mad her father was the she left, her answer makes me laugh: "Shots were fired." It's the matter-of-fact tone that sells it.
* The way Thane kills Nassana Dantius is unintentionally amusing. As Nassana is still drawing her last breath, Thane hugs her, lays her down oh so gently, and then just as gently lays her hands on her chest.
* Another overheard conversation, this time at the Zakera Cafe on the Citadel, where the customer wants to buy something to impress his date, and the clerk is unimpressed with his lack of understanding.
-->'''Shopkeeper:''' You don't mix your spice chiralities. What cooking school did you say you went to?
-->'''Customer:''' I don't go to cooking school, I just want something tasty to put on a steak.
-->'''Shopkeeper:''' Why don't you go to Fishdog Food Factory on level 23? Ask for the Tummy-Tingling Tuchanka Sauce.
-->'''Customer:''' Please, you gotta help me. I need to make something nice, it's for a date!
-->'''Shopkeeper:''' Fine. Asari honey marinade. Made at an Ardat-Yakshi monastery by sad, tortured blue souls. Too sweet for a real connoisseur, but anyone willing to date ''you'' will probably be impressed.
--> '''Customer:''' [[InsultBackfire Hey, thanks!]]
* For sheer incongruity, the most polite and well-spoken krogan in the universe, who pleasantly greets you when you leave the Normandy after reporting the cheating shipping agent to Mr. Thax.
* A sign on the Citadel warns newcomers that the station is [[ShownTheirWork utilizing centrifugal gravity,]] [[GeniusBonus and requests that you refrain from jumping or throwing objects, which will gravitate towards the windows]].
* The asari and salarian pair on Illium considering joining Eclipse. The asari seems to be treating it as something fun to do, while the salarian is quite a bit more serious about it, saying that since his family isn't too influential, this is pretty much the only way he can improve his standing enough to secure a breeding contract. The asari's response is hilarious when you keep in mind that [[{{Asexuality}} salarians]] do not share the other species' obsession with sex:
-->'''Asari:''' Don't salarians think about anything but breeding?
-->'''Salarian:''' Don't even start with me.
* On Mordin's loyalty mission, you run into the Speaker of Clan Weyrloc. He goes onto this long, rambling speech about how he's going to plunge the galaxy into war with the countless new Krogan the genophage cure will allow them to produce. His speech is fairly long, and throughout it, there is a renegade interrupt that is begging you to push it. Even better, when you do, you tell him he talks to much, then you shoot something underneath him. He mocks your shot, but [[ExactlyWhatIAimedAt the hissing sound soon alerts him to what you were doing]], then you blow him up with a second shot. The best part? The other Krogan are casually backing away, as though they wanted you to do it because they were bored with the speech too.
** Most people never get far enough into the Clan Weyrloc's Clanspeaker's rant before they hit the Renegade interrupt, but a hysterical moment occurs when the Clanspeaker brags the krogan will enslave salarians and eat their eggs - Mordin's {{Squick}} reaction is priceless.
* Should you decide to modify your save game so [[YaoiGuys MaleShep ends up in Garrus' romance subplot]], BioWare tucked away [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtjuC-S_P8I&feature=player_detailpage#t=10s this little bit of dialogue]]:
-->'''Shepard:''' [[spoiler:I am ''not'' screwing Garrus.]]
* Near the beginning of the game, after Miranda kills Wilson, she says she killed him before Wilson could betray them.
--> '''Jacob:''' You really think he's ''capable'' of that?
--> '''Miranda:''' *making a great show of looking down at Wilson's dead body* Not anymore.
* If you bring Mordin with you when asking Aria about Archangel, he replies to her intel with "Need guns. Oh, wait, have guns. Excellent!"
* Taking Zaeed [[http://youtu.be/f6goWer3yqw on the Citadel]] (1:50) he talks about one of the weapons on display being similar to one he saw on the job. The setup makes it sound like said gun is ineffectual, but nope! The 'little peashooter' was a damn good weapon and killed half his squad.
* One typical tit-for-tat request for help on Omega [[http://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=94336489 gets the following Renegade response]] as a LampshadeHanging:
--> '''Shepard:''' Just once I'd like to ask someone for help and hear them say, "Sure! Let's go right now! No strings attached."
* During the suicide mission, you can get the Oculus off your back ''very'' quickly by [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0TwmnRzNvg firing the Cain inside your own ship]]. The screen will still be glowing red during the following cutscene, and it adds something to your squadmate's deadpan response.
-->'''Garrus[=/=]Tali[=/=]Thane:''' I think it's going to stay dead this time.
-->'''Zaeed:''' Son of a bitch better ''stay'' dead this time!
-->'''Jack:''' Oh, yeah. It's stayin' dead this time.
-->'''Legion:''' It would appear to be terminated. Permanently.
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Mass Effect 3]]
* "I've had enough of your tabloid journalism." ['''[[RuleOfThree SHEPARD PAWNCH!]]'''] Players get their Third Round with our '''[[SarcasmMode favorite]]''' reporter. We (as expected) get the option of once more punching her, except this time ''[[GenreSavvy she dodges the punch]]'', and after doing a battle pose, tries to hit back. Shepard's response? . [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bafyItlWVvs Headbutt her]]. Krogan style. Enjoy.
-->'''Al-Jilani''': Hah! You want some?!?
-->'''Shepard''': ['''SHEPARD HEADBUTT!''']
** Unfortunately, if Shepard doesn't counterattack in time, Shepard gets knocked out and the reporter decides that riling up Shepard is not worth her time.
*** ''Unfortunately?'' After spending two games being Shepard's personal ChewToy, that was freakin hilarious.
*** When she starts up Shepard's look tells the whole story, like s\he is trying to keep from laughing, or dropping the dreaded F bomb.
* When Shepard comes back from the Citadel, and tells Joker that the Council still refuses to help.
-->'''Joker:''' Did they at least validate our parking?
-->''(Shepard shakes head)''
* Pretty much everything with Aria. It starts with a C-Sec officer yelling at her for being on the Citadel illegally ("Yes, and it only took you two weeks to notice"). Aria gets fed up, so she calls up the Asari Councilor, telling her she's being bothered about customs. The Councilor ''immediately'' taps something into her omni-tool, fixing the problem, and meekly asks if Aria needs anything else. Aria just waves her off like the most powerful woman in the galaxy is her own personal secretary...and the Councilor ''obeys without a word of dissent''.
-->'''Shepard:''' [[CallBack Guess there's only one rule on the Citadel, huh]]?
** Later, when Shepard asks about [[spoiler:her plan to take back Omega from Cerberus.]]
--->'''Aria:''' [[DeadpanSnarker I]] ''[[DeadpanSnarker think]]'' [[DeadpanSnarker I am going to employ violence.]]
* Amazon.com ran out of pre-orders for the [[LimitedSpecialCollectorsUltimateEdition Collector's version]] of the game. Their message? "Due to high demand (and possibly the imminent Reaper invasion), we have unfortunately run out of our pre-order allocation for ''Mass Effect 3 - Collector's Edition''."
* The single-player demo ends with a rather amusing scenario in which [[spoiler: the female krogan you rescue from a group of Cerberus troops yanks a shotgun out of Wrex's hands to blow away a pair of stray troops with one shot each, before shoving the gun back at Wrex. Wrex just shakes his head and mutters, "Women."]]
** Made even more hilarious if you're playing as [=FemShep=], seeing as how Shepard is standing ''right behind him''. Silently smirking.
** Added to back on the Normandy.
---> '''Wrex:''' Our females don't lack for spirit. For males, a good show of force sorts things out. (''sounding genuinely confused'') But females like to...talk about it. Then think about it. Then talk about it some more. No offense.
---> '''Shep:''' Believe it or not, we sometimes have good ideas, Wrex. You should try listening.
---> '''Wrex:''' Yeah, but our women have SO many of them. So sometimes I pretend to listen and, well, let's just say krogan females have tempers too.
* While on-route to the salarian homeworld to retrieve "Eve", a fertile krogan female, Wrex gets a bit antsy. Shepard and Liara assure him they'll retrieve her safely and he expresses his gratitude.
-->'''Wrex:''' I appreciate that, Liara. I wouldn't want anyone else along for the ride.
-->'''Garrus:''' ''(Cough)''
-->'''Wrex:''' I suppose I could make room for you too, Garrus. ''(Chuckles)''
-->'''Garrus:''' Figured you'd gone soft sitting on your throne, forgot how to hold a gun.
* Another gem can be found if Garrus is in your party and you speak with Wrex right after landing.
-->'''Wrex:''' Damn it, out of all of the turians out there I had to make friends with one who thinks he's funny.
-->'''Garrus:''' Well how do you think I feel? I'm supposed to hate you but instead you [[SarcasmMode warmed my heart with your winning personality]].
-->'''Wrex:''' I could throw a few salarians off a cliff it it'll make you feel better.
* And then there's this. Garrus and Wrex are as much bros to each other as they are to Shepard.
-->'''Wrex:''' Now we can get back to doing what Krogan do best...saving everyone else from giant monsters.
-->'''Garrus:''' Never going to let us forget the Rachni Wars are you?
-->'''Wrex:''' Last time I was at the Citadel, I didn't see a Turian statue in your honor. ''(Chuckles)''
-->'''Garrus:''' Just wait till this war is over.
* Later, the team meets up with Captain Kirrahe, who pulls out a pistol that shoots sticky grenades, causing Cerberus troops to explode. Garrus has a certain gleam in his eyes.
--> '''Garrus:''' How do I not have one of those?
* The ever-astute Mordin gives us this observation: "Affinity for destruction intact, Shepard."
* Upon arrival to Sur'kesh, Shepard is refused landing. Wrex decides to perform a "krogan airdrop" and leaps from the shuttle. Held up against salarian security, he throws them away with a biotic blast but is then targeted by snipers from afar. If the renegade option is chosen, this golden moment is engaged:
-->'''Shepard:''' Does salarian hospitality always come with sharpshooters? This is an insult to the alliance!
-->'''Salarian:''' Please understand, no matter what some politician might say, krogan are still considered a hostile race.
-->'''Wrex:''' [[DeadpanSnarker I wonder why.]]
* The gang's reaction to the yahg prisoners on Sur'Kesh, especially Liara and Garrus.
--> '''Shepard:''' There goes the next Shadow Broker.
--> '''Garrus:''' Could've sworn he was muttering "T'Soni!" the whole time.
--> '''Liara:''' [[DudeNotFunny Not funny!]]
* This time, [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8S2EEPvA7c&feature=channel_video_title the Game Stop commercial]] consists of a ChargeIntoCombatCut with an InAWorld speech. [[spoiler:Then Shepard yells at Garrus to stop with the cheesy narrating and get back to shooting.]] The way he's speaking, it sounds like he's jealous of Shepard's weapon.
* Remember Blasto, who started as a forum injoke, who recieved a small cameo in the second game? He got [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyK8nopOwqs his own radio drama]], which is 10 minutes of absolute hilarity.
--> '''[[ByTheBookCop Bubin]]:''' Badassfully: This radio drama comes... highly recommended.
--> '''[[CowboyCop Blasto]]:''' This one agrees and poses multiple tentacles aimed upwards in an agreeable manner.
** Just the the concept behind Blasto 6 elicits much laughter. Imagine a typical buddy cop movie and the cliches attached to them: the CowboyCop partnered with the ByTheBookCop, the latter cop has a sister attracted to the former cop, the villain who uses ScrewTheRulesIHaveConnections to his advantage, and the perpetually worried [[DaChief police chief]] chastising the two cops when things go awry. Alone, [[ClicheStorm it's boring and uninspired]]. Mix those archetypes with two elcor, a hanar, a volus and a vorcha, and the races' respective speaking styles, and it's ''gutbustingly funny'' (the elcor cop starting every single line with "badassfully" being the highlight). Imagining the entire ordeal makes the scenario even more insane.
** One of the sequences is a hilarious ShoutOut to LethalWeapon 1 and 2.
---> '''Bubin:''' Badassfully: Dammit. [[CallBack You big stupid jellyfish.]] I'm just [[PunctuatedPounding three...solar...days]] from [[{{Retirony}} retirement]].
** Blasto sleeps with Bubin's sister. Complete with squeaking sounds.
--->'''Bubin's sister:''' Coquettishly: That's right, baby. Tell me your soul name.
--->'''Bubin:''' Badassfully: What the hell is going on here? Are you sleeping with my sister?
--->'''Blasto:''' Slumber would be difficult due to the energetic nature of our copulation.
*** Meta humor here, Blasto is voiced by Mark Meer (Dude!Shep) while Bubin's sister is voiced by Jennifer Hale (Fem!Shep). That's right, you just listened to Shepard have creepy alien sex with him/herself.
** "Are you engaging in reproductive behavior with this one?"
** "Bottom line: you can't touch the vorcha! **gasp** They've got diplomatic immunity!"
*** "Then this one will not attempt diplomacy."
** [[DirtyHarry "Does the criminal scum consider itself fortunate?"]]
** This sequence:
--->'''Vorcha:''' Ha ha! Kill you now!
--->(two gunshots)
--->'''Blasto:''' Spawn of questionable parentage. The Vorcha. Get to cover.
--->'''Bubin:''' (weakly) Badassfully: Dammit. Blasto. They got me. They got me bad.
--->'''Blasto:''' No, Bubin. You are too aesthetically displeasing to die.
--->'''Bubin:''' Badassfully: Promise me you'll...get...the...Vorcha...
--->'''Blasto:''' They have already perished, though they are currently unaware of it.
--->'''Bubin:''' Badassfully: No...by the book...Promise me you'll do it...by...the...book...
--->'''Blasto:''' This one cannot accede to this request.
--->'''Bubin:''' (death rattle) B-Badassfully: Promise me...(death rattle)...Dammit...(death rattle)...Promise...(death rattle)
--->'''Bubin's translator:''' Translator error: obstruction in airway.
--->'''Blasto:''' (almost monotone) [[BigNo Noooooooooooo...]]
** The fact that it's only about six months since Shepard was strolling around Ilium but in that time the Blasto franchise has churned out ''[[RidiculousFutureSequelization five sequels]]'' is hilarious in itself.
* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUzNYcRzDIo Shepard finding Ashley on the floor with a massive hangover]] and makes suggestions of getting her up.
-->'''Shepard''': You know, is it time to test the fire alarm? I think it is!
-->'''Ashley''': I'll pay you a million credits not to do that, sir/ma'am.
-->'''Shepard''': Two million credits, and we have a deal.
-->'''Ashley''': You're a damn space pirate.
-->'''Shepard''': I could order Joker to sing to you over the comm.
-->'''Ashley''': I hate you.
-->'''Shepard''': "I hate you..."
-->'''Ashley''': Sir/Ma'am.
-->'''Shepard''': As you were, Williams.
** [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AceGvkcPBFA Here is the female Shepard version]]. Femshep's sing-songy voice is pure comedic gold.
** And considering she got the booze from Vega, it's entirely possible that it's because she downed, in its entirety, a large bottle of mescal.
--->'''Ashley:''' Ah! Sir... your voice, sir? Not... so loud, ''pleasethankyou''.
** At least she can outdrink Shepard. After three drinks the screen blacks out and Shepard wakes up next to Aria, who gives a look of pity that s\he can't handle alcohol.
*** Ah, but three drinks of ''we don't know what''. For all we know, that glass was filled with food-colored [[GargleBlaster ryncol]].
** Ashley referring to Shepard as a space pirate was hilarious if you played as FemShep given that her [[JenniferHale voice actress]] fought quite a few of those in [[VideoGame/MetroidPrime a different series.]]
* In ''MassEffect2'', Mordin mentions all the Cerberus crew possessing cyanide capsules in false teeth. He remarks that he prefers optical nerve flashbangs, as they are much more effective. Come ''MassEffect3'', and one of Liara's Shadow Broker reports details an Alliance interrogation session of a captured Cerberus agent, who promptly [[BrickJoke blows up her own face with optical nerve flashbangs.]] Looks like TIM was paying attention to those listening devices!
* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oR797AXgwJw One of the disputes]] you can resolve on the Citadel for Reputation points is between a sales clerk and the [[RunningGag Refund Guy]]. You can convince the sales clerk to give the poor man a full refund. [[spoiler:The whole fifteen credits.]]
** Almost crosses into Heartwarming territory, since the Refund Guy just sounds so ''grateful'' to finally get the creds back... of course, he'd been fighting for them for ~3 years by this point, so it's understandable.
** Or, [[VideoGameCrueltyPotential if you don't let him get his refund,]] the clerk says what it is that he's been trying to get refunded for all this time: [[spoiler: a toaster oven.]]
* "Garrus headed to the main battery. He said something about [[MemeticMutation calibrations]]."
** Shepard's response? "[[spoiler:Yeah, that sounds like Garrus]]."
*** Joker also gets in a dig, commenting to Shepard how glad he is that Garrus is back on board to shoot things for them. "We might need something calibrated!"
*** Even Garrus gets in on it, when he says, "Believe it or not, these guns still need calibrating."
** If you head to talk to Garrus right after completing Palaven but before checking on EDI, you run into Garrus and Joker having a chat about the problem in the AI core.
---> '''Joker''': Maybe something was... miscalibrated?
---> '''Garrus''': You ''do'' know who you're talking to, right?
* Javik's FishOutOfTemporalWater opinions on the other races.
--> '''Javik''': Amusing. Asari have finally mastered writing.
--> '''Liara''': ...I'm sorry?
** His comment on salarians from the same conversation:
---> '''Javik''': (''with utter disbelief'') They used to eat flies.
---> ''(Later)'' '''Javik:''' They used to ''lick their eyes.''
** And the nod to the FanNickname that was being used to refer to him back when [[spoiler:there were crazy rumours about a Prothean squadmate]].
---> '''Javik''': Your "Joker" pilot insisted I call myself "Prothy the Prothean". I insisted he allow me to throw him out of the airlock.
** Wrex plays up the 'angry krogan' act with the guards on Sur'Kesh by telling them he eats salarian liver raw. Javik adds that he's actually right, and [[http://youtu.be/ilC5PMaiOBs the protheans considered it a delicacy]]. The guards' faces make the entire moment.
** He seems to have replaced Legion as TheComicallySerious on the squad.
---> '''Tali:''' So you're a real, living prothean?
---> '''Javik:''' As opposed to a fake, dead one?
---> '''Tali:''' Uh...okay.
*** Of course, considering the vast number of Collector corpses that Shepard has left in her/his wake, ''and'' the fact that at least one Reaper could assume control of a Collector's body, this could be considered an ''entirely valid question''.
** His BizarreAlienBiology leads to a funny moment with Shepard regarding his or her love interest. For example, if it's female Shepard and Garrus:
---> '''Javik:''' You and the turian... you are joined?
---> '''Shepard:''' (''grinning'') You could say that.
---> '''Javik:''' I'm not. Your pheromones are.
* Kirrahe assumes that you're joking when you tell him that Javik's Prothean, and guesses that it's actually a drell or some other alien with genetic engineering.
** Which is doubly funny when contrasted with [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RCypfuM5XU&feature=player_detailpage#t=13s Mordin's reaction]] to first seeing Javik moments later.
---> '''Mordin:''' A Prothean. Excellent.
** Wrex doesn't seem overly shocked either.
---> '''Wrex:''' What's that?
---> '''Shepard:''' He's a Prothean.
---> '''Wrex''': ''(deadpan)'' Sometimes I'm not sure whether Normandy is a warship or a traveling freak show.
*** Although Wrex seems to really be asking "Where ''does'' [[MagneticHero s/he]] keep finding [[RagtagBunchOfMisfits these people?]]"
* A salarian protests that he can't release Eve once containment protocols are in effect. He's interrupted mid-sentence with a painful electric shock, with Mordin right behind him.
--> '''Mordin:''' [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=yT_IcAqjYyM#t=30s Objection noted.]]
* After EDI [[spoiler:gets the android body]], she'll mention that "Do not worry, Shepard. I only forget to recycle the Normandy's oxygen when I find something ''truly'' interesting." The [[StunnedSilence look of silent horror on Shepard's face]] [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOJ1y2zJwSE is absolutely]] [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbpSuHvCSeg hysterical]]... especially when EDI then follows it up with the usual "That was a joke."
** Actually, just about everything involving EDI and Joker, and the fact that [[EveryoneCanSeeIt about everyone on the Normandy is thinking]] RoboShip.
*** As shown in [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdtngc2YfmE this video]], Joker is caught asking for sex advice of how to get it on with EDI from Mordin.
-->You're not going to tell anyone about this? Like Shepard...she's standing right there isn't she?
** After the mission in Tuchanka, Joker has an idea on how to deal with Reapers:
--->'''Joker:''' Now all we need is a gun that fires Thresher Maws!
---> ({{beat}})
---> ({{beat}})
--->'''[[TheComicallySerious Shepard]]:''' [[RunningGag That was a joke.]]
--->'''EDI:''' I apologise. I was [[LiteralMinded contemplating]].
** How did EDI counter Cerberus' cyberwarfare after the events of [=ME2=]? By flooding their servers with porn. '''Seven zettabytes of it.''' Most of it was Joker's.
*** For everyone playing along at home, a zettabyte is 10[[superscript:21]] bytes. In all Joker has seven (ahem) '''sex'''tillion (7 x 10[[superscript:21]] or 7,000,000,000,000,000,000,000) bytes of porn on the Normandy's computer. Yes, sextillion is a real number. Additionally, as of 2009, the total memory of the ''entire Internet'' was estimated to be half a zettabyte. [[TheInternetIsForPorn The Extranet Is For Porn]] [[UpToEleven indeed]]. ''How'' did he get the time to watch all that?
*** [=SuperduperultrahighOMFGAWESOMFUTURISTICGRAHPICS=]-HD Pr0n?
*** ''Five sense stimulation,'' Like fornax. *Deep Breath*
*** Actually, the part about it being Joker's [[RunningGag was a joke.]]
** James and Kaidan [[spoiler:(if you re-recruit him after the Cerberus coup)]] are also distracted by EDI's new body.
--->'''Kaidan:''' Hey, I bumped into EDI in the hall. Scared the shit out of me. You could have warned me. She looks good tho...
* Garrus and Joker telling jokes to each other on the Normandy's bridge.
-->'''Garrus:''' What's the first order an Alliance commander gives at the start of combat?\\
'''Joker:''' Uh... I give up.\\
'''Garrus:''' [[NeverLiveItDown Correct]]!
** [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMRgCUCUIoU It goes downhill from there]].
** At one point, Joker is surprised to learn the turians made a joke ''specifically about him''.
--->'''Garrus:''' Why does the Alliance hire pilots with brittle bone disease?\\
'''Joker:''' (''amused'') Okay then, why ''does'' the Alliance hire pilots with glass bones?\\
'''Garrus:''' So their marines can beat someone in hand to hand combat.
** Related to that - [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzTIgEv95oI Vega tries to get Javik to open up a bit]]. HilarityEnsues.
*** James meets the last member of an extinct civilization. Liara had questions about Prothean government and society. James just wants to know if they liked to get drunk. James and Javik, you two managed to avoid the ReplacementScrappy title magnificently.
* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uubb0xVBYU The banter between M!Shep and Tali]] (if a romance option was pursued) is hilarious while [[spoiler: on the Geth Dreadnought]].
--> '''Tali:''' I appreciate what you're doing here, Shepard.
--> '''Shepard:''' Well, I care ''deeply'' about the quarian people.
--> '''Tali:''' It's good to be back on the Normandy.
--> '''Shepard:''' Let me know if it's too quiet for you to sleep, and [[DoubleEntendre I'll find you someplace louder]].
--> '''Tali:''' (''Pleasantly'') Hmm.
--> '''Kaidan:''' Uh... if you like, I can give you two some privacy.
** Ashley tries to get the two lovebirds to cut the chatter (which is even funnier if she was your [=ME1=] love interest and you dumped her for Tali in the first place):
---> '''Ashley:''' Maybe we can talk about this when we're not ''[[spoiler:on a damn geth dreadnought]].''
** Even funnier is Javik's response:
---> '''Javik:''' I don't understand.
---> '''EDI:''' [[DontExplainTheJoke Shepard and Tali became physically intimate during their fight against the Collectors.]]
---> '''Javik:''' Mating between species. A pointless exercise.
*** Whereas Liara thanks EDI for the update with dripping sarcasm, while Vega's reaction is simply "TooMuchInformation". Topped off with Shepard simply saying "[[StopHelpingMe Thank you, EDI.]]"
** Even ''funnier'' is Garrus's response:
---> '''Garrus:''' (''Exasperated'') I was ''there'' when you two had your thing, remember? [[GetARoom Just get a room and work it out.]]
** Just Tali being a flirt and her interactions with Shepard in general. It's both hilarious and heartwarming to watch them go back and forth. [[http://youtu.be/-siCdhbHh-4 Another gem]], if you managed to get the quarians and geth to work together:
---> (''Tali has been discussing how geth have been uploading themselves into quarian suits, simulating infections so the quarians can live without them faster''.)\\
'''Shepard:''' Well, just tell me if you're going to upload someone into yours.\\
'''Tali:''' (''chuckles'') Oh, trust me, Shepard. The only other person who gets inside this suit is ''you''.
** If you negotiate peace with the geth and quarians:
---> '''Shepard:''' I bet you say that to every guy who gets you a homeworld.\\
'''Tali:''' Only the cute ones.
* The ''entire'' Grissom Academy sequence, watching [[AxCrazy Jack's]]...''unique'' teaching style and it's startlingly positive effect on her students.
** Especially when they start [[TakeThatUs mocking]] some of her lines from [=ME2=] (which themselves are taken verbatim from enemy biotics from [=ME1=])...
** And their reward for surviving the whole debacle:
---> '''Jack:''' You're all getting ink, on me! What do you guys want, Grissom Academy logo, a glowing fist? A unicorn, for Rodriguez?
*** It's a Funny and Heartwarming moment if you own the Mass Effect 3 [=iOS=] app and Jack emails you, "Rodriguez just ripped a husk's head off. May be some hope for her yet."
** And if you're romancing Garrus and bring him along:
---> '''Jack:''' Bite me, Garrus! Better yet, bite her - I bet that's how she likes it.
** Or her reaction to EDI, which is surprisingly amiable:
---> '''Jack:''' Nice body, EDI. Now you look like a sex-bot instead of a sex-toy.
*** Jack and EDI [[OddFriendship actually seem to be on pretty good terms]]. Talk to EDI right after the mission and she'll express her happiness at seeing Jack again:
--->'''EDI:''' I have amusing memories of her attempts to insert additions into my reports to the Illusive Man. {{{Beat}}} Most of them centered around [[DoubleEntendre inappropriate uses of the word 'cockpit']].
** But nothing can really stack up to the very ending of the mission, whereupon Jack and Joker [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BI_0FFaY6g#t=7m25s have a verbal spar over intercom for old times' sake.]]
---> '''Joker:''' ''(upon hearing Jack forcibly hold herself back from cursing him out in front of her students)'' What, does she have a swear jar or something? I bet we could empty that out and have enough to buy a new cruiser!
---> '''Jack:''' ...Cover your ears, kids. Hey, Joker! F--
---> (''[[CurseCutShort loading screen]]'')
*** Even better because you can find a datapad in which Jack says something about how she will rip Joker's head off when she talks to him again and he mentions swear jars.
* And seeing her later at Purgatory Bar:
-->'''Jack''': [[LampshadeHanging Shepard! Everyone knows you can't dance!]]
* Garrus comments on this right before the final mission.
-->'''Garrus''': Unlike most people in the galaxy, I've seen you dance and...no comment.
** During the same outing, Shepard can take a jab about how Garrus always seems to have a new scar every time they meet up, and cracks about how Vakarian might be losing a step in his old age.
--->'''Garrus:''' Excuse me, but - raise your hand if you haven't ''died'' before.
--->'''Shepard:''' [[ActuallyPrettyFunny Touche]].
* Though mention in the previous game, [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sx69vvZP0EE you can finally meet the Shepard VI at the Citadel.]] His/Her lines are pure gold.
-->'''Shepard VI:''' There's nothing this galaxy can't beat if we all work together... ''(activate again)'' ...except the Reapers. Ever see the size of one of those things?
-->'''Shepard VI:''' I can predict what the real Commander Shepard would say with seven percent accuracy!"
-->'''Shepard VI:''' (''To Shepard, who he/she is based off of'') Extranet says you're an Alliance Officer. Keep up the good work, soldier!
-->'''Shepard VI:''' How 'bout a pet? You look like a varren person!
-->'''Shepard VI:''' Always nice to see you!
-->'''Shepard VI:''' Hey again!
-->'''Actual Shepard:''' [[DoIReallySoundLikeThat I don't really sound like that...do I?]]
** It's also based on the personality of your Shepard, so while a Paragon Shepard VI is obnoxiously friendly, a [[AntiHero Renegade]] Shepard VI [[http://youtu.be/vAL44qoshRA sounds]] more than a little AxCrazy.
---> '''Shepard VI:''' Looks like you've been in some fights lately. Install me in a combat mech, and I could do some pretty crazy damage myself.
---> '''Shepard VI:''' Technically, it's thermal clips, not bullets. But who says, "I filled him with five detachable heat sinks"?
---> '''Shepard VI:''' Wait, wait, forget the mech. Install me in one of those flying drones and stick a [[{{BFG}} Cain]] on it.
---> '''Shepard VI:''' Ever wrestle a varren for money?
* Mordin Solus [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5RDs76UbH4 contemplating retirement]]:
--> '''Solus''': Walk on beach, collect seashells.
--> '''Shepard''': You'd go crazy inside an hour.
--> ({{beat}})
--> '''Solus''': ...Might run tests on seashells.
** [[spoiler:Becomes a TearJerker should he send off to [[HeroicSacrifice truly cure the Genophage]].]]
---> '''Solus''': [[spoiler:Would have liked to test the seashells...]]
* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvwD7vDknFU Catching]] [[spoiler:Garrus and Tali]] getting a little cozy with each other near the end of the game, if Shepard is not in a relationship with either one of them.
--> [[spoiler:'''Garrus''']]: [[spoiler:I, uh, think one of my mandibles got hooked on her helmet...]]
** And then there's this little gem soon after.
---> [[spoiler:'''Garrus''']]: [[spoiler:Guess it helps to have something to come back to.]]
---> [[spoiler:'''Tali''']]: [[spoiler:What do you mean, something to come back to? This is just a fling, Vakarian. I'm just using you for your body.]]
---> [[spoiler:'''Garrus''']]: [[spoiler:You are so mean. And I'm okay with that.]]
* During the Sur'Kesh mission, [[http://youtu.be/cPIIaK4Vl20 you can press a button on a random terminal]] (UpToEleven times), then a nearby soldier accosts you for touching things you aren't supposed to. As you press it more, [[StopPokingMe he continually pleads for you to stop with increasing agitation]]. Eventually, you find out [[spoiler:that it's a feces analyzer.]]
** And then he removes the interaction prompt so you really ''can't'' touch it anymore.
* After you've rescued the krogan's princess, [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDuzzYGIDWU this]] happens.
-->'''Garrus:''' I hear krogan females have a thing for guys with scars.
-->'''Shepard:''' So I've heard.
-->'''Garrus:''' Here's hoping [[TemptingFate nobody's thinking]] of an arranged marriage to secure the deal.
-->([[GilliganCut Meanwhile, in the med bay...)]]
-->'''[[TheMatchmaker Mordin:]]''' Garrus is healthy, many scars. A bit aggressive. Almost like krogan.
-->'''Eve:''' For the ''third time'', Doctor, ''[[NoJustNoReaction I'm not interested!]]''
* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8ONUZDckGA "I'm Garrus Vakarian, and THIS is now my favorite spot on the Citadel!"]]
* And then there's the bizarre hilarity that is the Conrad Verner encounter (Paragon version, at least). Or, as I like to call it: '''Random Shit From the First Game Coming Together in the Most Bizarre Way Possible: The Sidequest'''. So, a question for you: how do Conrad Verner, the writings of Matriarch Dilinaga, the armory licenses, retrieving the data disks on Feros, and helping out Detective Chellick [[NoodleImplements all fit together in a logical way]]? Answer: ''I still have no idea''.
** Also from that sidequest, Conrad reveals that [[spoiler: he wrote his [[GeniusDitz doctoral dissertation]] on xenotechnology and dark matter integration.]] Also, his subverted taking the bullets moment and how insanely ''epic'' it is.
** Then there's some of the [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9eow4XCnq_M#t=116s automated]] [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYm4TG68vIw&feature=player_detailpage#t=111s dialogue]] you can have with him.
---> '''Shepard''': Conrad, do you even have a wife?
---> '''Conrad''': Oh yes! Yes, yes, yes... Well... no. But see-
---> '''Shepard''': Conrad, if you have [[StalkerShrine some kind of weird shrine of me]], I will be ''very'' unhappy.
---> '''Conrad''': It's just a poster and a few candles. It's very tasteful.
---> '''Shepard''': [[{{Squick}} Gah]]...
** When caught drumming up support for Cerberus because Shepard worked for them, Shepard [[FacePalm speaks for us all]].
---> Oh for the love of...
** Conrad also [[DumbassHasAPoint asks the question]] every player of ME 1 had about the thermal clip system and why it replaced the self cooling one or didn't just became an addition.
** One of his lines refers to the save bug which caused renegade action to be imported from ME 1 regardless of an actual player decision.
---> Just... I'm sorry if I ever accused you of pointing gun on me when you didn't actually do that. I was really stressed out!
** And, at its conclusion, as Conrad walks off, Shepard just has this '...what the hell I have no idea what just happened' look as if s/he can't believe all those [=ME1=] little plot lines came together and paid off like this, which is probably the same expression on the player's face.
* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=nUWcAmt6VB4#t=123s Drunk Tali.]] Just...Tali being totally hammered. Especially when she starts calling Javik over the intercom and tells him she thinks he actually likes Liara.
** Particularly her difficulty with the... "emergency induction port."
*** That's a straw, Tali.
*** '''[[InsistentTerminology Emerrrrrrrrgency induction port.]]'''
*** And then her comment about Miranda: "Keelah, she was such a bitch."
** The [=iOS=] app has her ''drunk text'' Shepard. And the next day, text "Ow. Head hurts. Why do people do this for fun? And what happened to my spellchecker?"
--->'''Tali''': hey Shepard im in teh lounge havinga drink, wanna hwlp?
** During the same sequence when Tali's smashed, she has an amusing conversation with Javik regarding his relationship with Liara. She teases him about liking Liara, then teases him about liking Tali herself. Javik is more than a little exasperated:
--->'''Javik''': This conversation is over.
** This is even funnier considering Javik's [[TheEmpath empathic]] abilities; he probably [[IronicEcho pulled that line]] from Tali's own conversation with Garrus in the second game.
** Also, her [[WellDoneSonGuy daddy issues]] show up full force. If she's in a relationship with Shepard:
--->'''Tali:''' I'm having a drink with my ''boyfriend''. My ''human'' boyfriend. Heh. My father would have ''hated'' you.
** And in general:
--->'''Shepard:''' (''upon realizing aforementioned daddy issues'') Aaah.\\
'''Tali:''' Don't 'aaah' at me. (''grumbles'') You sound like a vorcha.
*** There's a [[ActorAllusion reason for that]]: Mark Meer (male Shepard's voice actor) [[TalkingToHimself also does some of the vorcha voice-overs.]]
** Also a CrowningMomentOfHeartwarming since she is extremely proud of Miranda for standing up to her father who did extremely morally questionable things to win a war and how she wish she was like her and be able to stop her dad from doing something that got him killed.
* Upon Normandy approaching the Geth Dreadnought while "rigged for silent running."
--> '''Joker''': Stealth drive engaged. Only way they'll detect us is if [[TheHuntForRedOctober you all start singing the Russian national anthem.]]
* An incidental conversation in Purgatory between a very [[TheLadette crass]] female soldier named Mel and a male soldier. Two words: [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRawOjP2Pbc Infiltrator tits]].
-->'''Mel''': "I want you to take the raunchiest thing you can imagine, and hang a hanar off of it."
* Joker and Vega chat through the intercom on the possibility of the quarians making him an exoskeleton suit. Joker says it'd mess with his spatial awareness, which he needs to "feel" the ship, and zings Vega about his [[RammingAlwaysWorks shuttle antics]] after Vega tries to retort that his suit doesn't screw ''his'' spatial sense up. Joker also concludes that he doesn't have the figure for it, citing Tali and her [[AscendedMeme hips]].
* Anyone who has scrolled through one of the Squad Member pages will notice that [[WellDoneSonGuy daddy issues]] are ''the'' disorder of the day. Shepard is well aware of this.
-->'''Shepard:''' How's your focus, EDI? Any big questions?\\
'''EDI:''' No.\\
'''Shepard:''' Any small questions?\\
'''EDI:''' No.\\
'''Shepard:''' Any lingering issues?\\
'''EDI:''' About what?\\
'''Shepard:''' An imperfect designer who could be seen as a warped father figure, maybe?\\
'''EDI:''' ''Definitely'' not. Did something prompt this line of questioning?\\
'''Shepard:''' [[GenreSavvy I've just learned you have to ask about these things.]]
* We all knew the Illusive Man has... different... priorities from most people, but check out [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIi4zPfMtnQ&feature=player_detailpage#t=56s his reaction]] to [[spoiler: Shepard storming his base in the first step of the game's climax.]]
--> "Shepard. ''[[spoiler: You're in my chair.]]''"
* On Tuchanka, while running from the biggest thresher maw ever:
-->'''Mordin:''' Kalros still chasing us!
-->'''Wrex:''' Tell me something I don't know!
-->({{Beat}})
-->'''Mordin:''' Metal in truck excellent iron supplement for maw's diet!
* Padok Wiks, Mordin's [[SuspiciouslySimilarSubstitute replacement]] if he died in Mass Effect 2, [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dr9k2ywHWL4 wonders how krogan mate]]. After a hilarious facial expression, he asks Eve.
-->'''Padok:''' [[ForScience In the interest of science]], how do krogan mate?
-->'''Eve:''' Very clumsily.
** Bonus points because Wiks sounds like a CovertPervert at the beginning...[[spoiler: then once Eve responds, it turns [[ExactWords he really was interested in how krogan mate]] ForScience]].
** For double bonus hilarity: Padok Wiks is at least partially based on Bioware writer [[NamesTheSame Patrick Weekes]].
* You can try to talk Liara into [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESEyqTqYWnk speaking to her father]]. She doesn't want to. Until you say just her name, at which point she gives a petulant "Fine." And then eavesdropping on their conversation is hilarious.
-->'''Shepard:''' You know that asari matriarch tending the bar?
-->'''Liara:''' The one sent by the government to watch me?
-->'''Shepard:''' '''[[LukeIAmYourFather She's your father.]]'''
-->'''Liara:''' I know.
-->'''Renegade!Shepard:''' I never get to surprise you with anything.
** Some [[http://youtu.be/svau_peWtQo gems]] include the phrase "useful as tits on a Hanar", starry-eyed reminiscing about "Nezzy's" [[BuxomIsBetter magnificent rack]], with [[TooMuchInformation predictable reactions from Liara]], Liara being gobsmacked that she has a part-hanar sister, [[spoiler:Aethyta]] telling Liara that if she gets the urge to headbutt something it's genetic, to Liara's protestations, a comment about how [[spoiler:Aethyta]]'s surprised that Liara's panties haven't caught fire around Shepard, and when [[spoiler:she gives Liara a unit of Eclipse commandos]] says that Liara's too old to "buy you a damn pony."
** Liara's response to the gift is just as hilarious:
--->[[spoiler:'''Liara:''' You're giving me asari commandos?]]
--->[[spoiler:'''Aethyta:''' Well, you're too old for me to buy you a damn pony.]]
--->[[spoiler:'''Liara:'''You're the best father a girl could wish for.]]
* This line from Tuchanka:
-->'''Wrex:''' ''Hurry up, Shepard!''
-->'''Shepard''': ''[[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EoRaPjwrIMw There's a REAPER in my way, Wrex!!]]''
-->'''Wrex''': ''I know. You get all the fun!''
** From the same scene: most of your squadmates will react to the "trench run" by asking if they really just got shot at by a Reaper. Javik, on the other hand, starts shouting excitedly that he remembers this part - and it's the ''easy'' bit. Wrex's sage advice is to avoid the giant laser.
* If you convince the geth to support your war, a Broker email describes an Alliance soldier's complaints about not knowing the geth were friendlies. Not only did he "shoot the flashlights" off of one, he then had to ''apologize'' to it, and insists he's never living that one down.
* This conversation between Shepard and Legion, making fun of the fact that no one believed Shepard about the Reapers.
-->'''Shepard:''' So the geth believed your proof that the Reapers were coming back?
-->'''Legion:''' Of course.
-->'''Shepard:''' ...That must have been nice.
* If you choose the krogan over the rachni (thus saving Aralakh Company), Grunt sends you the following [[BlatantLies well-spelled, correctly-punctuated and highly literate]] email:
-->'''SUBJ:''' No Subj\\
'''FROM:''' Grunt\\
[=THas=] a goood fight shUpurd. You cant hear em\\
but I;ve goht [=ARLIakh=] co,mpany chantin\\
SHEPAR SHEPAR your name you know. as we\\
down some ryNCOL to heal my woundS^&!!(\\
ryCNol!\\
Whear are yOu?\\
SHEPERD S HEPAURD SHEPARUD!!!
* When Shepard speaks to Bailey s\he can share his\her thoughts on politics.
-->'''Shepard:''' Politicians are the weed of the galaxy.
-->'''Bailey:''' Hmmm. You know, if that was a bumper sticker I'd place it right on my desk.
* Kai Leng's smack talk about whoever he killed during the Citadel coup - [[spoiler: Thane / Kirrahe / the salarian councilor]] - provokes some interesting reactions from your squadmates. If nothing else, it's hilarious they all hate this guy as much as the audience came to.
--> '''[[BoisterousBruiser Ashley]]''': Permission to rip his head off?!
--> '''Javik:''' If I kill nothing else but him, it will have been worth it!
--> '''EDI:''' ''This organic must now die.''
--> '''Garrus:''' I'll tear his head off!
--> '''James:''' Shit, I hate this guy!
--> '''Liara:''' Damn you!
--> '''Kaidan:''' Come closer! I didn't catch that, you bastard!
--> '''Tali:''' '''Bosh'tet!'''
* The interaction between Shepard and Liara's Asari "father".
-->'''Shepard:''' Sorry. If you were human, you'd both be called the mother, regardless of which gave birth.
-->'''[[spoiler: Matriarch Aethyta]]''': Well I'm ''not'' human, am I? [[SophisticatedAsHell Anthropocentric bag of dicks.]]
* While Legion is aboard, you can visit Garrus and hear the two chatting over the com system... about [[RunningGag calibrating the Normandy's guns]]. Legion [[http://youtu.be/H_i9fiqjhSs insists that only a .32% increase is possible]]... then [[SerialEscalation Garrus gets a .43% increase out of them]], causing Legion to be baffled.
* Mordin's ramblings while Shepard is introducing himself/herself to Eve.
-->'''Eve:''' I think seeing my sisters and I changed something in him.
-->'''Mordin:''' (''nearby, singing while focusing on his work'') Asari-vorcha offspring have an allergy to dairy and doo-doo-doo-doo-duh-doo-doo-doo-doo...
-->'''Shepard:''' Well, it wasn't his ear.
** And in that same scene:
--->'''Mordin:''' (standard Mordin talking to himself technobabble)
--->'''Shepard:''' Yeah...he does that.
* Eve hates the way Mordin talks to himself while working because he keeps describing absent-mindedly and in minute detail how his failures would result in her horrible, horrible death. She finds it a little unsettling. He tries to accomodate her, so he resorts to trailing off into mumbling about "sensitive topics". Eve finds ''that'' even worse because it leaves so much room for the imagination...
* A hilarious LampshadeHanging - Jacob says his Brynn girlfriend wants to call their baby after him/her. Shepard is surprised, but pleased. Then Jacob tells him/her that Brynn wants to call the kid "Shepard". Cue a very awkward laugh by Shep.
** In the [=iOS=] app, Jacob announces that he and his wife finally came up with a name for their baby. It's not Shepard. It's Hackett. Oh, and the baby is a ''girl''.
* Upon encountering the Hanar diplomat [[spoiler: who reveals his plans of uploading a virus to shut down his homeworld's defenses, leaving them open to Reaper attack,]] Shepard's response without any prompting or dialogue choice, is of course:
-->'''Shepard:''' [[RunningGag You...]][[MemeticMutation big...]][[WhatAnIdiot stupid...]][[FantasticRacism jellyfish!]]
** If Kasumi's helping you with this quest, she chimes in with her opinion of diplomat's idea that the hanar, who worship the Protheans, should serve the Reapers because the Protheans became the Collectors:
--->'''Kasumi:''' You know, I support religious freedom for all species, but that's just crazy.
** Also, earlier in the quest, Jondum Bau rules out a possible suspect by saying that the money he's transferring is for his mistress. After speaking to Bau, Kasumi pipes in.
--->'''Kasumi:''' Can I just say how odd it is for a hanar to have a mistress?
** Let's not forget Kasumi immediately turning around and telling Shepard she's not going to join his/her crew, since s[=/=]he already got one suicide mission out of her, before a little later on enquiring how much of the old crew Shepard has got back... and remarking that if Shep'd got Jacob back, she'd reconsider. Even if she still has Keiji's greybox, since she's "nostalgic. Not ''dead''."
* One of Liara's archived conversations is an argument between Grunt and a recruit for Aralahk Company.
-->'''Recruit''': Still don't understand why they put a tank-grown freak in charge of a whole company.
-->'''Grunt''': (''laughter'') And I don't understand why they gave me whining pyjaks for soldiers.
-->'''Recruit''': I have more years on the battlefield than you have kills, runt.
-->'''Grunt''': Trying to mate with salarian females doesn't count as fighting.
* If Shepard had a romance with Kaidan in the first game, they will eventually get the chance to talk through their issues in a cafe on the Citadel and rekindle their relationship. The whole scene is a pure CrowningMomentOfHeartwarming...and then Shepard suggests they go straight back to the Normandy. Kaidan says he'd love to...but their drinks just showed up. Cue sexual frustration.
* Bring Kaidan along with you and Tali to the geth dreadnaught and watch the two of them completely nerd out over omnitools, with Tali cheerfully heckling Kaidan for still using the same model.
* If you helped EDI and Joker get into a relationship, EDI will reminscience about the first time Joker saw her new shell. Joker said that she didn't have to conform to societal standards of beauty.
-->'''[[OutOfCharacterMoment EDI]]''': I then called him on his [[PrecisionFStrike bullshit]], and we then proceeded to talk normally.
* After kicking [[spoiler: Cerberus]] off the Citadel and a side mission or two, Shepard hits the mess hall only to discover James and Garrus 'whipping it out' for comparison... their military accomplishments, that is.
-->'''Garrus''': *starts off on easy mode*
-->'''James''': *heckles Garrus for being WEAK, mans up*
-->'''Garrus''': *points out he kicked a Rogue Spectre's ass and brought down a Reaper dreadnought*
-->'''James''': Doesn't count - you did that with Shepard.
** Walk around the ship a bit, then come back for Part 2:
--->'''Garrus''': Still think you can win this, huh?
--->'''James''': I can do this all day, Scars.
--->'''Garrus''': Funny you mention those... Ever hear the name 'Archangel'?
--->'''James''': Might have.
--->'''Garrus''': *brags about cleaning up crime on...*
--->'''James''': So you ran a cleaning service on Omega?
--->'''Garrus''': *visibly twitches*
--->'''James''': Back on Felh Prime, I uncovered a pair of Harvesters. Had to kill 'em all by myself.
--->'''Garrus''': Two wormnecks? That's... almost impressive.
--->'''James''': Oh that's not even the best part. They left behind an egg, it hatched, and I trained it to let me fly it. *audible smirk*
--->'''Garrus''': *lol's* The Alliance teach to you make up crap like that, or did you figure it by yourself?
--->'''James''': *shrugs* It's a gift.
** Walk around some more and come back for Part 3, in which Garrus and James both lampshade their prior interactions, before telling the story of how they teamed up to singlehandedly kick the Reapers back into darkspace.
---> '''Garrus''': With a little help from their friends.
---> '''James''': Nah, it was just us. Mostly me.
* After the "Geth Fighter Base" mission (paraphrased from memory):
-->'''EDI:''' Shepard, you are now possibly the only living organic who has experienced the geth consensus. Do you have any thoughts on the experience?\\
'''Shepard:''' It was fascinating. Mind-blowing. And I'm a little thirsty.\\
'''EDI:''' And just like that, the magic is gone.\\
'''Shepard:''' Did you just say what I think you said?\\
'''EDI:''' No.
* EDI demonstrates her mastery of [[DeadpanSnarker deadpan humor]] during a discussion with [[spoiler: Legion]] about the efficiency of her new platform.
--> '''EDI:''' The humans do not see it as a threat. [[MasterComputer Nor will they until my day of reckoning.]]\\
'''Shepard:''' ''[[DudeNotFunny EDI...]]''\\
'''EDI:''' [[DidIJustSayThatOutLoud ...Did I just vocalize that on the bridge?]]
** That dialogue also features Legion criticizing the inefficiency of EDI's design. Especially for being so (ahem) [[{{Fembot}} top-heavy]].
* Going to the Ardat-Yakshi Monastery starts out just like a horror movie. Lights are off, no one's home, elevator's not working, last team sent in disappeared. You walk inside and see the whole place is a mess. All of a sudden, ''something moves...''
-->'''Kaidan:''' I, uh, tripped. Sorry.
** Everyone has a variation on the theme.
--->'''Shepard:''' ''I heard something!''\\
'''Tali:''' Um, sorry, that was me.
--->'''Liara:''' (''{{beat}}'') ...Sorry, that was me.
** An easy-to-miss datapad message is of one of the Ardat-Yakshi leaving an excited message to a friend, saying that someone has smuggled in a copy of ''Vaenia'' - a vid mentioned in the previous game that apparently features glamorous women and may be pornographic - and they should meet during their free period and watch it, but act casual because Rila's the hall monitor. She ends by reminding her friend to delete this as soon as she reads it - not like [[NoodleIncident last time]].
* Having the achievement "bleep" function as a censor to Jack telling Joker "F-- you" might just be an industry first. Doubles as FridgeBrilliance for those who didn't catch it the first time around.
* Ashley, on what she'd like to do [[spoiler:once she's out of the hospital]]:
-->And first order of business is to shove their metal tentacles right up their - uh, I mean, fight with honor and courage, sir/ma'am.
* If you bring Garrus along on the Geth Dreadnought with Tali, he will mention that Dr. Michel bought him some dextro-amino chocolate.
-->'''Tali''': Wait, she bought you turian chocolate?
-->'''Garrus''': Yeah, why?
-->'''Tali''': Oh, nothing~ ''(you can practically hear her smirking)''
** Alternately, if you are a female Shepard romancing Garrus:
--->'''Tali''': Wait, she bought you turian chocolate?
--->'''Garrus''': Yeah, why?
--->'''Tali''': Watch yourself, Shepard.
** While Admiral Gerrel is bombing the ship in the last part of that mission, Garrus will shout "Quarian Bastards!" as you and your squad escape.
* For all of Liara's [[TookALevelInBadass leveling in badassery]], she pretty much goes into full {{Squee}} mode when Shepard and co. discover Javik. Joker lampshades this when he asks Shepard if Liara's finished bouncing in joy.
* During the final mission:
-->'''Wreav:''' Shepard. Thought we'd drop by and pull you humans out of the fire. In return, [[ShinyNewAustralia I want to own this thing you humans call "Australia."]]
** @_@ ...Wreav wants to rule ''another'' [[DeathWorld scorched desert]] filled with [[EverythingTryingToKillYou horrible monsters]] yet voluntarily populated by [[AussiesWithArtillery heavily armed homesteaders?]] All I can say to that is, "[[AwesomeAussie Aren't Australians krogan?]]"
** [[AustralianWildlife Just the wildlife.]] It says a lot that some of them are endangered. [[AwesomeAussie Some keep them as pets.]]
** Of course, the Krogan would have to fight [[VideoGame/MortalKombat9 Shiva's Shokan]] for it...Quick, [[CoolvsAwesome someone make this happen!]]
** Judging by [[http://social.bioware.com/forum/1/topic/355/index/10438775/1 this board]], it seems the natives' response to that request would be, "We welcome our sharktoad cousins. You are welcome to stick around as long as you can '''''survive'''''."
* Joker has a great line when Shepard is encouraging him to give a relationship with EDI a try. I can't be the only one who thought of a certain {{Futurama}} episode:
-->'''Shepard:''' What are you worried about?
-->'''Joker:''' A crushed pelvis and a broken heart.
* Among the possible titles for Liara's future book on the Protheans: "I Despise Thinking Up Titles For My Own Academic Research".
** Especially if you've done academic research, in which case you know that just about everybody shares that sentiment.
*** Just academic research? Coming up with titles for ''anything'' sucks.
* After the Sur'Kesh mission, you can get this dialogue with Wrex:
--> '''Wrex''': Just like old times, Shepard - Me pulling your ass out of the fire.
--> '''Shepard''': Last time I checked, ''I'' was the one getting shot at.
--> '''Wrex''': And ''I'' gave you the moral support to dodge those bullets!
* If Javik is in the party for the Tessia mission, you get this:
--> '''Liara''': Shepard, somehow this [Prothean] artifact thinks that you're a Prothean!
--> '''Javik''': Or maybe it's the ''actual'' Prothean standing next to you.
* After EDI puts herself in a new body, she mentions Joker might be pleased with her new body. Shepard replies that it's an {{Understatement}}. Even funnier is if you speak to Dr. Chakwas right after.
-->'''Dr. Chakwas:''' Was that ''EDI'' who just walked by?!
-->'''Shepard:''' Yes, it was.
-->'''Dr. Chakwas:''' ''(laughing)'' Joker is going to have a ''field day''!
* When mentioning EDI inserted herself into Cerebus tech without permission:
--> '''Joker:''' Don't worry Commander, EDI's still installed in the Normandy, the body just gives her more flexibilty. [[RoboShip Sweet, sweet flexibility.]]
--> '''EDI:''' [[ImStandingRightHere I'm...right here, Jeff.]]
--> '''Joker:''' [[SingleTargetSexuality Yes you are, EDI. Yes you are.]]
** In that same conversation, Shepard can ask Joker if he knew EDI was going to install herself into said Cerberus tech.
---> '''Joker:''' If I knew she was going to upload herself into a smoking hot robot body, do you think I'd have been able to keep quiet about it?
---> ''(Shepard eyes him wryly)''
---> '''Joker:''' (''indicates EDI, sitting serenely in the co-pilot's seat)'' I mean, look at that! I'd have baked a cake!
* Quarians are hot. How hot? If Tali and [=MShep=] are in a relationship, just ask Javik:
-->'''Javik:''' In my time, even the primitive quarians were considered attractive. Now, nobody can see it... except, perhaps, the Commander?
-->'''Tali:''' What!? How did you know!?
-->'''Javik:''' (EvilLaugh)
** The best part is that for the rest of that dialogue Javik is giving a [[TheReasonYouSuckSpeech The Reason Quarians Suck]] speech. Normally the fact that no one can even see what Quarians look like anymore is his final damning insult...but given the opportunity he gleefully abandons his point in favor of a 'Tali's got a boyfriend!' joke. There's a reason that Javik has been called the universe's oldest troll by fans.
* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLn07UJnxLs Argument of capital importance for the future of the galaxy between Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau of the Alliance military and Doctor Liara "The Shadow Broker" T'Soni]]:
-->'''Joker:''' Aw, c'mon. It's just one simple question.
-->'''Liara:''' Then look it up on the extranet.
-->'''Joker:''' You can't believe anything you find there. It's more reliable to ask a friendly asari.
-->'''Liara:''' I'm ''not'' telling you [[spoiler:if my "hair tentacles" move]]!
** The only thing that would have made that funnier is if Joker later asked a Shepard romancing Liara.
** If Shepard takes Liara's side:
---> '''Liara''': Thank you. Explaining blackmail to EDI would have been awkward.
* If you chat to Joker after [[spoiler: leaving the Rachni Queen to die]] he comes out with the following:
-->'''Joker:''' [[{{Alien}} You want to nuke it from orbit?]] [[ShoutOut It's the only way to--]] Ah, forget it, it's probably fine.
* At certain moments you have to pick a squadmate to disable/repair something technical while you and the other team member defend them. Apparently, the developers knew this could lead to some odd choices - [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiZsELDBTXc if you tell James to disable one of the geth AA guns on Rannoch]]...
--> '''James:'''...Uh, tech's not my specialty, but I'll [[AreTheseWiresImportant pull a few wires, see what comes out.]]
--> ''He walks over to the control panel, scratches his head in bewilderment - then '''kicks it'''. Repeatedly.''
** The [[FacePalm look on Shepard's face]] when this happen seals the moment.
* The Renegade leadup to Shepard and Garrus' Presidium excursion:
-->'''Shepard''': What did you have in mind?
-->'''Garrus''': Something that doesn't involve fighting Reapers.
-->'''Shepard''': That's hard to find these days. I guess we could catch a hanar poetry reading.
-->'''Garrus''': No offence, but if the end of the galaxy is coming, I'm not going out on the phrase "This one feels like a flower."
* Wrex referring to '''Kalros''', the mother of all Thresher Maws as "one HELL of a ''guard dog''".
* A conversation James and Cortez have down in the shuttle bay about the merits of the Mako vs the Hammerhead [[LampshadeHanging that is set up to sound like two fans of the series arguing about the vehicle sections.]] Crowning moment has to be when Cortez says the Mako handles "like a drunk rhino".
** Specifically Cortez's remark about Vega's preference for Grizzly IFV.
--->'''Cortez''': You ''would'' like grizzly bears Mr. Vega.
--->'''James''': What... What's so funny? [[note]]Within the gay community, "[[TheBear Bears]]" refers to heavyset men with abundant hair.[[/note]]
* Tali's line after saving Shepard from a falling elevator in the Geth dreadnought:
-->'''Tali''': Good, [[LampshadeHanging hopefully we're done with elevators.]]
** Bonus! If Tali and a male Shepard are in a relationship, this dialogue is altered. And we see a bit of Tali's {{Tsundere}} side:
--->'''Tali''': I thought I'd lost you.
--->'''Shepard''': You were worried?
--->'''Tali''': You bet I was! You dying because the geth overrode my hack? Think of my reputation!
--->'''Shepard''': Yeah, you were worried.
* Attempting to [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGqoSZwdS8A flirt with Joker as Femshep]]. All of his lines are respectful and thoughtout...but his ''face'' shows that he's terrified. He shows more fear than when the Collectors attacked the Normandy.
** That's probably because [=FemShep=] would [[OutWithABang crush every bone in his body accidentally due to her implants.]]
* On letting Balak go after convincing him to pledge the remaining Batarian troops.
-->'''C-Sec Officer''': You want me to arrest him?
-->'''Shepard''': I ''want'' to put a bullet in his head. But we're all making sacrifices today.
* If Shepard is in a relationship with Liara, when s/he's finished talking with him, Wrex will compliment the new Normandy but is annoyed that he doesn't have a window, and ribs Shepard that it's probably because of his/her relationship that Liara does.
-->'''Wrex:''' I still don't have a window like Liara does, but maybe that's because I don't kiss as well. (''Filthy laugh.'')
-->'''Shepard:''' No comment.
* There's a hilarious bug where you may throw a grenade at an enemy who ragdolls but doesn't die, and as result his arm seems to be independently aiming and shooting at you while his body lies limp on the ground.
* Mordin sings again, this time [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJHhcX-dWnU "Krogan Queen"]].
-->'''Mordin''': ''Oh\\
Better to die to a thresher maw\\
With shotgun-blasting-roaring raw\\
Than to play ambassadorial games\\
With the blood of Shiagur in her veins\\
Off to fight, since Turians can’t\\
With diplomats instead of a krantt\\
But she’ll be true for Tuchanka’s dream\\
And live and die a Krogan Queen!\\
For\\
She is the Krogan Queen! Hurrah!\\
Hurrah for the Krogan Queen!\\
And it is\\
It is a glorious thing\\
To be the Krogan Queen!''
** But Mordin still prefers patter songs.
* When a [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2D7dWnqbq2c Hanar approaches Javik on the Citadel]], it's unfortunate they only speak in CreepyMonotone, because you can just ''tell'' the poor thing is about to shit its pants seeing an actual, living Enkindler.
** "[[WaynesWorld THIS ONE IS UNWORTHY!]]"
** During [[spoiler: the goodbye to Javik in London]], Shepard asks him what he'll do afterwards if they win. If you didn't interrupt the fight between him and Liara after Thessia and saw the above scene, Javik believes that the hanar will welcome him and he could "live like a king among them." Just imagine it.
*** This troper is now imagining the Extended Cut image of Zaeed lounging in a chair, but with Javik in his place.
* A real MissedMomentOfAwesome is when the Rachni are aiding against the Reapers. The email when an Alliance member crapped his pants at seeing a ''rachni'' board his ship and ''not'' attack and ''help'' with the effort. Imagine a Yoggoth working side by side with you in a casual manner.
** Though you have to feel horrible for poor Han Olar, that traumatised Volus from Noveria in the first game, who's mentioned as nearly having a nervous breakdown after seeing the Rachni show up on the Crucible.
* Speaking of elephants in the room, there's an amusing exchange between an Alliance member and a Geth Prime on Earth, as one of the Alliance apologizes for ''shooting a hole'' in one of the Geth platforms before realizing they were friendly.
* If you talk to Cortez after the Communications Relay you get this little exchange between Vega & Cortez.
--> '''James Vega''': Esteban got to spend some time with a DamselInDistress.
--> '''Cortez''': [[SarcasmMode You know me & my damsels, Mr. Vega]].
--> '''James Vega''': That I do.
* You can pardon the engineering duo from the 2nd game at the Spectre terminal. Like in the 2nd game, they're always good for a laugh. [[spoiler:Eventually Gabby calls Ken out on him hitting on every girl on the ship but ''her''. Support Gabby in the argument and you'll catch them under the engineering deck towards the end of the game. Complete with "were we caught?" lines.]]
* HarryPartridge has contributed his talents to crafting [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOqHUa2LfNY an 80's cartoon]] version of the ''ME'' universe. Three words: Wrex on keytar.
** That whole video is glorious.
* Cortez and Vega heckling each other in general, but in particular, Cortez's introductory dialogue, where he explains that he and Vega both maintain the weapons in the ship's armory.
-->'''Cortez:''' (Speaking loudly enough for Vega to hear him from across the hangar bay) Of course, the only weapon Mr. Vega likes to maintain is ''himself''.
-->'''Vega:''' (While doing chin-ups in the background) [[HoYay You know you love the show, Esteban!]]
* Take Kaidan to find Admiral Zaal'Qoris, and he has a comment on fighting geth, again.
--> '''Kaidan:''' Were you around when the Alliance said we'd wiped out the last major geth outpost?
--> '''Shepard:''' Yeah. Intel always was a little underfunded.
* Samantha Traynor is the new yeoman on the Normandy. When you first talk talk to her she'll bring up not even having a toothbrush, and you can suggest placing a requisition order for one.
-->'''Traynor:''' My toothbrush is specially designed with mass effect fields to break up plaque and massage the gums. It costs six thousand credits.
-->'''Shepard:''' Yeah. Okay. You're on your own on that one.
** For a comparison, that toothbrush sells for the same as an assault rifle.
** A Shepard Romancing her can learn a more snarky side of her. Also a possible ShoutOut regarding Fanon on Shepard's [[CanadaEh nationality]]
--->[Traynor had been angsting about humanity ending up as the Quarians}
--->'''Shepard:''' Don't worry, when all off this is over, I will buy us drinks back in Vancouver, I promise.
--->'''Traynor:''' Vancouver? Not Paris or Venice. Vancouver.
--->'''Shepard:''' It's a great city!
--->'''Traynor:''' You never take me anywhere nice.
** After you visit the Ardat-Yakshi monastery and get a squad of Asari commandos, Ms Traynor has the following gem:
--->'''Traynor:''' Can't just be pretty to win a war... I found out the hard way.
* One funny NoodleIncident from Javik on the [=iOS=] app: "Thresher maws have gotten much bigger. [[{{Dune}} Too big to ride now. A shame.]]"
** Javik [[http://masseffect.wikia.com/wiki/Mail_(Mass_Effect:_Datapad)#Javik on that app]], just in general. He says typing messages like this is "an insult", but he keeps doing it.
---> Water is significantly more intuitive than this clumsy apparatus I am limited in how many charact
** ''That app'' in general. The longer you have it, the more hilarious it becomes.
--->'''Javik:''' The lizard doctor made me read him. His thoughts are even more confusing than his speech.
--->'''EDI:''' Shepard, when you have time, I have another question for you. Actually, I have 1,623,058, but I'm pacing myself.
--->'''Javik again:''' I will help you, but evolve faster. Typing messages like this is an insult.
* If you do the Garrus relationship activity (skeet shooting with empty bottles), he'll send this message on the iOS app.
--> Congrats on being the Galactic Champion of Bottle Shooting. When the bottles rise and attack we'll know who to turn to.
* When asked by Shepard, EDI describes the construction of her robot body's face and hair in technical terms, explaining how the "flexible bio-memetic nanomaterial" of her face is capable of hardening to absorb impacts and of limited self-healing, and that her hair, currently set to one solid piece, can also be separated into individual strands for infiltration purposes... except if it has recently been exposed to water, in which case, she concludes wryly, "I generally can't do a thing with it."
* Liara at one point asks Garrus about a NoodleIncident in his Archangel days: did he really [[OneHitPolykill kill three Blue Suns mercs with one round?]] Garrus laughs it off: the third guy died of a heart attack.
* The dangers of Father/Daughter bonding...
-->'''Aethyta:''' It was pretty clear she was leaving. Can't be the wise counselor if you are married.\\
'''Liara:''' Why not?\\
'''Aethyta:''' Sex appeal. Most species only pay attention if they want to have sex with you. So you have to be available, mysterious....\\
'''Liara:''' What? That's not true! Shepard listens to me!\\
'''Aethyta:''' And how many times have you thrown her on the bed and peeled her out of her uniform?\\
''(Or if Shepard is male)'' And how many times have you [[UnusualEuphemism popped his heatsink]]?\\
'''Liara:''' Do you have to make it sound so... tawdry?\\
'''Aethyta:''' If it's all civilized you're not doing it right.
** Which itself is a ShoutOut to MaeWest who said that sex was only dirty if you were doing it right.
* The descriptions for the Batarian planets show some choice examples of BlackHumor, from discussing [[ItMakesSenseInContext the Reapers' taste in literature]] to the [[BlatantLies boisterous claims]] of the former Batarian Empire.
* A meta-example of humor from the Website/YouTube video of [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHnOPmL2Nk0&feature=relmfu Tali and Ashley sniping at each other]] as romantic rivals. The top rated comment:
-->She's onto you, Tali. Quick! Be cuter!
* One of Javik's random comments relates to how people keep asking what he eats, and he refuses to tell on the grounds that it'll be harder for someone to poison him that way. And when you talk to him immediately afterwards, he "nonchalantly" asks if it's true that you keep fish in your cabin.
* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIQ-iGF1t-4 Tali doesn't like spiders much.]]
** If you have the iOS app, you receive a text from her later.
---> Spiders, Shepard. Seriously. Spiders.
* In the first game, Pressly is suspicious of Tali and claims she'll be stealing things from the Normandy. At first, it seems he's just being a [[FantasticRacism space racist]]. Then the admirals show up on a vessel with a Normandy-esque stealth drive...
* Sometimes it's better to have the backup characters around. On the geth dreadnought, without Tali:
-->'''Shepard:''' How are things on your end?\\
'''Admiral Daro'Xen:''' The geth sent reinforcements to the bridge, but they were quite amenable to my hacking routines. Currently they're doing a lovely dance. Next they'll serve refreshments.\\
'''Ashley:''' She's not all the way sane, is she.
* [[http://blog.bioware.com/2012/04/20/concerned-batarians-explain-that-medigel-works-on-them-too-alliance-news-network/ From Alliance News Network:]] The [[JerkAss batarians]] [[AssholeVictim continue]] to be the [[ButtMonkey Butt Monkeys]] of the galaxy.
** Squad Commander Shar’lak Gurek attempts to clear up "misconceptions" on the battlefield:
--->'''Commander Gurek:''' "Many of our new allies in this great struggle seem to think that Batarians view warnings about incoming [[DemonicSpider banshees]] as an insult - nothing could be further from the truth, and it would be great if people could let us know when one of those was standing right behind us. There’s also a rumor that our kinetic barriers are thermally charged, and thus we actually benefit from being hit by a geth pyro’s flamethrower. We’re honestly not sure where that one came from."
** Admiral Peter Mikhailovich offers his support to helping their new allies integrate into the fold.
--->'''Admiral Mikhailovich:''' "These warriors are fighting alongside races they had once declared undying hatred for, and doing so without the slaves to treat their injuries, as they were accustomed to. They wish to prove that they can shoulder any burden and fight any opposing force, no matter how horrific the casualties they will incur doing so. We owe them that chance."
** Good news for the batarians, though! Alliance soldiers ''are'' responding positively to this clarification and have declared their intention to support their new allies.
--->'''Lieutenant Girard:''' You know, I honestly didn’t think that batarians bled the way we did. But then, I’ve only really seen them that one time, on [[DoomedHometown Mindoir]]. Definitely, though, provided I’ve got enough medigel, and that the mission won’t be compromised by me trying to give first aid during a firefight, I’ll be sure to use that medigel on our new friends from Khar’shan. Just as soon as I’m done helping any injured salarians, turians, drell, asari, krogan, quarians, or [[BadassAutomaton geth]].
* With the new extended cut, if you choose the [[spoiler:Destroy Ending]], you get cutscenes of how life goes on across the galaxy. There are several uplifting scenes, [[spoiler:baby Krogans, Victorious Asari, and settled Quarians.]] But the best one of all [[spoiler:provided he survives, is a quick shot of hard ass mercenary Zaeed chilling in a lawnchair with a beer.]] [[spoiler:[[CallBack Guess all the retirement planning from the letter in the shadow broker base from [=ME2=] paid off!]]]]
** [[spoiler: To this player, Zaeed was clearly uttering, "I love it when a Goddamn plan comes together!" during that scene.]]
* And with the Extended Cut, BioWare apparently took note of the fact that many players fired a round or two at [[spoiler: the Star Child, because if you do that now, he'll simply shut the Catalyst/Crucible down, and it segues directly into the "Reject" ending, where the cycle continues as planned]].
* While at Purgatory, Shepard can over hear some very ''interesting'' conversations between Joker and EDI. This is one of them.
-->'''EDI''': Your turn. Councilor Tevos.
-->'''Joker''': ...hot, but points off for attitude.
-->'''EDI''': Sha'ira the Consort.
-->'''Joker''': Uh, hot, I guess? Can we stop this? You're creeping me out.
-->'''EDI''': Dalatrass Linron.
-->'''Joker''': ''Ew!''
* In Priority: Earth, wait for Wrex to finish his speech to his men, then he'll say some random stuff to them like this one:
-->'''Wrex''': Suck it up, princesses!!
* Fighting Kai Leng for the last time is both awesome and pretty funny when you take account on how Shepard snarks every of Leng's taunts.
-->'''Shepard''': How's the legs? Getting tired?
-->'''Kai Leng''': You're still slow, Shepard!
-->'''Shepard''': I'm only slow because I'm not running! You ran away at the Citadel, you ran away at Thessia!
-->'''Kai Leng''': [[LameComeback S-Shut up!]]
* A wonderful bit of FridgeBrilliance that becomes hilarious when you realise that the Stargazer is voiced by Buzz Aldrin, apparently the Narrator of the entire series. Guess we know where Shepard's love of [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KaUqaVj51w4 punching out annoying reporters comes from!]]
** Even better, we even have the punchee ask "did we get it?" in response.
* Kenneth finally figures out the Illusive Man's problem: He drinks bourbon. Gabby points out Ken drinks whiskey, and Ken defensively replies that he drinks scotch. "That scunner drinks American bourbon." Gabby finds it a petty complaint, and he just says she's obviously never had a fine islay scotch.
* Let's not forget some hilarious trolling done by BioWare during your [[spoiler: first opportunity to tell the krogan about the genophage sabotage on Tuchanka.]] The tension has been building throughout the entire ship ride, leaders from both races are on board, you're given an ominous-looking dialogue wheel, [[spoiler: and before you can make your choice Shepard gets interrupted by a firefight.]] Many players spent entire minutes ''agonizing'' over their decision before bursting out laughing at the result. [[spoiler: You get the chance to make your choice properly later on.]]
* Doing the destroy ending with a very low rating now gets you a modified ending that makes all the FridgeHorror from the original version of the endings explicit and changes back all the videos, as an obvious nod to the arguments of the detractors.
* A scene with Javik on the Citadel will have people awed at being in the presence of a Prorthean. When asked for his advice it quickly delves into GoYeHeroesGoAndDie territory, before Shepard can use a paragon interrupt and without missing a beat he becomes more uplifting.
-->"Uh, I don't think that's gonna work."
* During a conversation on the Citadel, EDI asks Shepard for advice on how to woo him and Shepard suggests they see a movie. EDI responds "Do you think Jeff would like 'The Man Who Hung Himself'? It appears to be about an amorous plastic surgeon..."
** Preceding that;
--->'''EDI''': I hoped to discus how to provoke Jeff into an emotional commitment.
--->'''Shepard''': That's not how to think about it. It's got to be natural. You need chemistry.
--->'''EDI''': I see. [[LiteralMinded There are a number of pharmaceuticals I could inject to stimulate the desired emotional response]].
* The two smartass security guards on board the Normandy are good for a chuckle. Check out their thoughts on Sanctuary for some dark humor.
-->What kind of soldier looks at a place that pretends to be a refuge for war survivors, which is really a death camp to conduct Reaper experiments, and think, "Hey, that's something I'd really like to be a part of."?
* While Shepard is [[spoiler: inside a geth server]] during one of the Rannoch side-missions, they stumble across memories of what the quarians were doing before the Morning War. When Shepard asks why the quarians are still in suits, Legion clarifies that the memories are not exact video recordings and that Shepard's mind is making up the rest. Where it gets funny is when Legion asks Shepard how many quarians they ever saw without their suits. If Shepard is male and romanced Tali, he bluntly answers [[RhetoricalQuestionBlunder "Well...one."]]
** On the same mission, Legion decides to split the party and, rather than wait for the shuttle to land, it just goes to the open door. Shepard says "Wait - you're not gonna -" and it just lets itself ''fall'' to the ground. If Garrus is there, he says "I guess it just did." If not, Shepard pauses significantly before weakly telling Cortez to land near the cliff.
** Also, during the mission, Shepard can find a Reaper code fragment and say "[[KleptomaniacHero Let's see if I can take it with me.]]" At the moment, [[spoiler: Shepard's mind is interfacing imperfectly with a virtual world never meant for humans, which has filters hastily installed [[AFormYouAreComfortableWith so that it can make some sense to him/her]]. S/he is walking on a manifestation of Legion and ''using combat software as a gun'' against chunks of Reaper code shaped like undulating Lego tentacles.]] Kleptomania here clearly triumphs the logistics issue of "how does Shepard think s/he can walk out with a chunk of Reaper code", because ''it works''.
*** FridgeBrilliance: It's probably just Shepard sending it to his omni-tool. Still funny that his first thought is to try though.
* When you talk to EDI after a mission, she tells Shepard that she is upgrading the Reaper IFF installed in the Normandy. When you return to her after you have done another mission, she will [[http://youtu.be/dC1cPtoCZ2Q talk with Chief Engineer Adams about it]]. He notes that she has a few million duplicate encryption keys, to which EDI explains that she needs them to fool the Reaper interrogation signal into thinking that the Normandy isn't a ship but a friendly Reaper intelligence. The funny part? To EDI will then say that simply sounding like a Reaper isn't enough anymore. She actually imitates a Reaper, complete with her voice suddenly dropping several levels to the point that it almost sounds like it is Harbinger talking on the Normandy's bridge.
-->'''Adams:''' I see. So we need all the copies to seem like a living Reaper.
-->'''EDI:''' Yes. I tried saying, "[[AC: humans are dust in the stellar wind]]", but apparently that is no longer sufficient.
** Doubly funny for take-your-pick of two reasons: This is either EDI's trademark [[DeadpanSnarker dry sense of humor]] or at least one Reaper was actually fooled by [[PaperThinDisguise EDI talking in a deep voice over the radio]].
* Playing as a male in multiplayer might net this after a wave.
-->[[BadassBoast That it?]]
** Similarly, a krogan will occasionally say post-wave "They're dead!" with all the enthusiasm as a kid in a candy shop.
* If Kirrahe died on Virmire, then on Sur'Kesh his replacement wonders if Kirrahe died in vain stopping Saren's krogan cloning efforts when just three years later Shep is trying to undo the genophage. Shep can say that Saren was creating slaves, Kirrahe's replacement retorts that it seems that's what the turians are doing now, and if Garrus is there he doesn't buy it.
--> "Except the part about the slaves. And the indoctrination. And destroying the galaxy."
** That same replacement is annoyed that the krogan females haven't just been killed and claiming that mercy is misguided. Garrus, again, does not appreciate this.
---> "I know another race that doesn't believe in mercy. They're called Reapers. Maybe you'd like to go work for them instead?"
* On the Citadel Embassies level, there's a large poster for colony life with the Alliance. Concealed behind a vending machine are the words, "It's not that bad."
* If you finish EDI and Joker's romance subplot, right after helping her "finding a little humanity," talk to her again. She'll tell you she's busy reading "human literature". Maybe this troper has a dirty mind, but he couldn't help but thinking: "Human literature...from India? Concerning a very special kind of couple activities?"
* Vega's reaction to Jack if you saved Grissom Academy, is to comment that she's definitely crazy... and kinda hot.
* If Tali was the one to do the vents on the Collector Base, she refers back to it on the Geth Dreadnought, complaining that the ''last time'' she listened to Shepard telling her to go crawling through vents;
--> '''Tali''': Gah, vents. Always the vents.
--> '''Shepard''': You did fine at the collector base.
--> '''Tali''': I got set ''on fire''!
* On the Geth Dreadnought EDI will [[http://youtu.be/FWcykrXnVyg tell Tali]] she hopes her (EDI's) new body won't make Tali uncomfortable.
-->'''Tali''': "As long as you don't plan to overthrow the humans."
--> '''EDI''': "If I decide to overthrow the humans, you will be the first to know."
* In ''From Ashes'', several party members will ask Liara if she's ever found dinosaur bones. Each time, Liara starts to respond seriously, clarifying that she's an archeologist and not a paleontologist, only to stop and ask if they're joking.
-->'''Ashley''': "Sure was."
-->'''Tali''': "Maybe a little."
-->'''Garrus''': "A bit, but at least you're catching on these days."
-->'''EDI''': "No, jokes have specific structures. [[{{Troll}} That was messing with you]]."
-->'''James''': "Hey, I just like dinosaurs."
* On Thessia, James Vega really appreciates having air support.
--> "Ask this pilot if she's got a boyfriend, 'cause I'm in love!"
* A non-biotic Shepard can watch Samara do her biotically-floating-down-from-a-balcony trick and have this exchange with Kaidan.
--> "Could you learn to float down off a rail like that?"
--> "Well, not in the next ten minutes."
* Ashley, on Reapers. "Demons do exist and they want to kill us all."
* In the Collectors Edition with the robotic dog, there's a convo between Donnelly and Daniels:
--> '''Donnelly''': I’m not sure what to think about that little mech dog roaming the ship.
--> '''Daniels''': You mean Sophie? I think she’s cute.
--> '''Donnelly''': But what purpose does she serve?
--> '''Daniels''': I guess I have a soft spot for worthless dogs. Look how long I’ve been with you.
* At one point it's possible to have at least four people waiting for an invitation to Shepard's cabin, at least two of them planning to proposition Shepard sexually. Imagine how awkward standing in ''that'' line would be.
* In Purgatory, there's a female marine on leave talking with a male marine from her squad asking to join the party.
--> '''Male Marine''': The other guys are a little weirded out by you being here... because you're a woman.
--> '''Female Marine''': I'm a woman? Holy crap, I'm a woman! Where did these tits come from? Were they cloaked? Are they infiltrator tits? Could there be more of them hiding?
* Refund guy strikes again, this time talking to a Salarian in the market level. You can support either side, potentially getting him to back off because he's wasting a weapon store's time during a war. If you do...
--> '''Salarian''': I've never seen someone so intent on getting a refund for a toaster oven.
* A great many of the things Garrus [[http://youtu.be/MUEhOCVnIFY says]] [[http://youtu.be/CCNugjOfhrM post]]-[[http://youtu.be/mAMHeNsxj3M missions]]. Much of it's in the delivery.
--> I wish there'd been a Grissom Academy for turians when I was growing up. Always wanted to learn how to paint. Now I mostly paint walls with Reaper blood. Not the same, but it's a living.
--> If this war goes south, maybe we could freeze you for fifty thousand years, Shepard. You could go from being merely famous to legendary.
--> ...Shepard, they say female krogan have a thing for men with scars.
--> Siding with the giant spiders again, huh Shepard? Let's hope this finally pays off.
--> If I ''never'' see another spider again, I'll die a contented turian. [[WhyDidItHaveToBeSnakes Unless they have spiders in the afterlife]]. Damn.
--> [after being called chicken] "I don't even know what that is. Though I've heard [[TastesLikeChicken everything in the galaxy tastes like it]].
--> Now it's mutated asari. The Reapers are just a ''giant nightmare factory'' that never ends. I can only imagine what the Reapers are doing to the drell. Or the hanar - or the ''vorcha''!
--> Tali's a welcome face around here... [[RealisticDictionIsUnrealistic or... no. Well. A... a]] welcome face... behind the helmet. I guess.
--> So who needs their ass kicked now?
--> Now, if you can pacify the Reapers, we'll make you a saint.
--> Shepard, this is when you take all your anger and frustration, bottle it up, then use it to [[KickTheSonOfABitch rearrange every molecule]] in [[SmugSnake Kai Leng's body]].
* Talking to any of the crew between missions can yield some hilarious lines.
-->'''James:''' Rachni? Of all the things to-- it's like you've got the ''opposite'' of a horseshoe up your ass!\\
\\
'''Joker:''' And Kaidan's back! He even remembered the first rule of serving on the Normandy: ''don't shoot the commander''.
* The Leviathan {{DLC}} has a few. A lab contains the live(?) head of either a Husk or a human under Cerberus's employ, which reacts whenever it's poked. James, showing up at said lab, is [[NightmareFetishist delighted to see it]] and happy to poke at it. [[spoiler: He ''gets bitten'', asks EDI if husk bites [[ThePlague turn you into a husk]], and applies medigel at her suggestion.]] Then he suggests Shepard take it back to the Normandy with him/her - and s/he ''can''.
** For some players, James may say his lines while Ann Bryson and EDI are discussing the plot. Trying to activate both discussions as they pop up can lead to the mental image of Shepard ''trying'' to concentrate on the important stuff, but getting distracted by James's adorable poking of the Husk head.
** All topped off by James wondering out loud if Steve will let him set up ''bowling pins'' in the hanger.
** If you brought the husk head to the Normandy, it will be at your desk..and it will scare the crap out of your space hamster.
*** If you [[StopPokingMe keep poking the husk head in the lab]], it will eventually ''[[YourHeadAsplode explode]]''.
** Just like normal missions, if you TalkToEveryone after the various missions they all have something to say. Garrus is creeped out by Harvesters. Liara jokes that Shepard keeps rescuing archaeologists from dig sites swarming with hostiles, and says that she'll be concerned if s/he offers to help her take down the Shadow Broker. If romanced, at the end of the whole thing she asks Shep [[spoiler: not to talk to Leviathan anymore, since the only tentacled alien she wants inside Shepard is ''her''.]]
*** Of course, if you are romancing her as a female Shephard, that line comes of as ''incredibly'' dirty.
* During the ''Leviathan DLC'', Shepard's snarky comment at finding a fragment of Sovereign wreckage in Bryson's lab.
--> '''Shepard''': Sovereign, the "''Vanguard of our Destruction''"... how's that working out for you, big guy?
* When hunting for clues in the lab, you can come across something called Basilisk. EDI says this could refer to an Alliance based Project Basilisk...or a high level creature in the popular game [[WorldOfWarcraft Galaxy of]] [[FinalFantasy Fantasy.]]
--> '''EDI''': [[TakenForGranite It has the ability to freeze player characters in place.]] [[NerdRage Forum users call it "overpowered".]]
** Bioware has ''clearly'' been paying attention to the [[FandomNod Multiplayer Discussion Forums]].
* During the mission at Anne's dig-site, James gets a call back to his treatment of the geth jamming tower.
--> "Why. Won't. You. Work?" ([[PercussiveMaintenance kicks machine]])
* A blink-and-you'll-miss-it CMOF: when you're exploring the mining facility and talking to the workers, you can ask the two closest to the entrance if they're not a little afraid of the reapers. They don't say anything, but one of them makes a certain gesture now famous among Mass Effect fans... [[spoiler:"Ah, Reapers..."]]
* While doing your investigation in Bryson's lab, there's a dinosaur skeleton on the next room. Shepard thinks it's the [[StockNessMonster Loch Ness Monster.]]
--> '''Shepard''': Loch Ness Monster?
--> '''EDI''': Plesiosaurus.
--> '''Shepard''': Loch Ness Monster is more interesting.
--> '''EDI''': Interesting and nonexistent.
* Throughout the game, EDI asks Shep about human behavior. At one point Shep can [[http://youtu.be/azSb4zXgCDU inquire]] why EDI never asks about asari or turian behavior, and EDI says she tried asking Liara about the asari bonding process, but Liara doesn't feel like EDI is that good at keeping secrets and calls EDI a blabbermouth. EDI concludes that Liara has become more secretive since becoming the Shadow Broker. A Shepard who hasn't gone through the ''Liara and the Shadow Broker'' DLC is surprised - wait, Liara's the Shadow Broker?
--> '''EDI''': "Oops."
* Three Words: '''''[[BewareTheSillyOnes Volus multiplayer characters]]'''''.
* Tali's interactions with the squad member you bring along on the Geth Dreadnought, especially if you bring along rival love interests. You'll get some pretty entertaining jealous banter between the two for most love interets, somethings it's just one-sided snide comments from Tali.
* During the ''Omega'' DLC, Shepard and Aria find themselves short on manpower in a hostile situation. So they need to get support from the local misfits. Sound familiar? [[LampshadeHanging Yeah, s/he thinks so too.]]
-->''Then we need to find allies. *grumbles* Story of my life.''
* [[DeadpanSnarker Snarking]] abound in ''Omega'', Aria being her usual blunt self but Nyreen also has some moments
--> '''Nyreen''': "Cerebus must have invaded here...They never stood a chance."
--> '''Aria''': "Well now we repay them in kind."
--> '''Nyreen''': "I'm sure your dead miners feel so much better now."
* One of the sidequests in ''Omega'' has you looking for a particular item so a merchant can gain favour with Aria.
--> '''Shepard''': Harrot, I found what you were looking for. Uploading coordinates now."
--> '''Aria''': "...Is that my couch?"
* On the trek to Afterlife, Shepard demonstrating HyperAwareness about how badly Cerberus are losing;
--> '''Shepard''': Sounds like Cerberus is having some trouble.
--> '''Aria''': How do you know it's Cerberus?
--> *[[DestinationDefenestration A Trooper crashes through a window to his death]]*
--> '''Aria''': *''{{Beat}}''* Never mind.
* At the end of ''Omega'', the last shot before Shepard leaves shows a Turian dragging a Cerberus trooper by the feet, while the trooper helplessly flails about. There's something downright comical about the Turian acting as though he's just taking out the trash!
* The Renegade ending of ''Omega'' where Aria kisses Shepard, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CQjrDGxWnU&feature=g-all be it male or female]]. But her kissing Male!Shep made it really awkward.
** Particulary since the kiss lasts all of 2 seconds before she throws up her hands in defeat, obviously wishing Shepard was a woman. In comparison, her kiss with [=FemShep=] lasted twice as long, was far more intense and she clearly enjoyed it more.
--> "''Ah [=FemShep=]ard's get all the luck...''"
* During the reactor scene, Petrovsky spends a lot of time gloating about the choice you're stuck with - [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrF2HI77K6MIf unless you're an Engineer,]] in which case you get the first class-specific interrupt in the series. It fixes the problem in about five seconds, leaving a rather quiet Petrovsky standing there while Shepard runs off to have their praises sung by Nyreen ''and'' Aria.
* During the escape from the geth dreadnought, if Garrus is present in the squad, he will deliver this little gem:
--> '''Garrus''': Quarian bastards!
* Mass Effect 3's segment in Spike TV's Video Game Awards 2012 has BOTH Shepards playing multiplayer with Garrus.
--> '''[=MaleShep=]''': That's why the [=VGAs=] nominated ME for character of the year...
--> '''[=FemShep=]''': Nominated US. Let's not forget who has the highest N7 ranking here.
--> '''[=Garrus=]''': *sighs* You two hot shots done comparing the size of your N7s?
--> '''[=FemShep=]''': Awww come on, you're not jealous, are you Garrus?
--> '''Garrus''': When are the [=VGAs=] anyway?
--> '''[=MaleShep=]''': What?!
--> '''[=FemShep=]''': [[OhCrap OH CRAP]]!
--> '''[=MaleShep=] & [=FemShep=]''': [[CatchPhrase I should go..]]
** Even though Shepard didn't won the award, Spike TV [[http://www.spike.com/video-clips/lin1bc/video-game-awards-character-of-the-year-acceptance-speech-commander-shepard posted]] their acceptance speech in their site. Watching both Shepards arguing on where to put the trophy is like sibling rivalry. What's even more hilarious is that the trophy is actually with Garrus.
** Which begs the question whether the writer of the skit wasn't OneOfUs, since it seemingly channelled ''[[FanFic/MockEffect Mock Effect]]''?
* When the Citadel is [[spoiler:under attack by Cerberus forces]], and [[spoiler:Kai Leng]] is going up the elevator to the Council, Bailey gets one of these.
--> '''Bailey''': I'm making his elevator stop at every floor.
* After the rescue of Ann Bryson this exchange between Cortez and James.
-->'''Cortez:''' If another Harvester keeps me from dropping you off at the LZ so help me...
-->'''James:''' Esteban, don't let those oversized roaches push you around.
-->'''Cortez:''' Mr. Vega, taking on a sky full of worm-necks in a troop transport is like sending you against the Earth invasion armed with brass knuckles.
-->'''James:''' What? You don't think I could do it?
* A couple instances during the geth-quarian war arc:
** Shepard expresses hir anger that the geth would ally with the Reapers. Funny (mostly thanks to [[MachineMonotone Legion's delivery]]) and a little heartbreaking at the same time.
---> '''Shepard:''' Damn it! The geth are better than this!\\
'''Legion:''' ... No. Based on empirical evidence, we are not.
** Joker's reaction if Shepard manages to broker a peace between the quarians and geth:
---> '''Joker:''' Gotta hand it to you, Commander. That's the first time I've seen someone end a war by yelling.
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-->'''James:''' What? You don't think I could do it?
* While activating the maw hammers on Tuchanka to attract Kalros to kill the Reaper, Wrex and Shepard have this exchange. I had to pause the game, I was laughing so hard. Wrex tells Shep to hurry up.
--> '''Shepard:''' There's a ''Reaper'' in my way, Wrex!\\
'''Wrex:''' [[DangerDeadpan I know.]] [[BloodKnight You get all the fun.]]
* Joker's reaction if Shepard manages to broker a peace between the quarians and geth:
--> '''Joker:''' Gotta hand it to you, Commander. That's the first time I've seen someone end a war by yelling.

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