History Funny / LastWeekTonightWithJohnOliver

Although "jokes aren't really [the show's] thing" (given their habit of covering [[TearJerker/LastWeekTonightWithJohnOliver the troubling state of America]]), this show sure knows how to provide some laughs.

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For a show that constantly sheds light on [[TearJerker/LastWeekTonightWithJohnOliver the troubling state of America]], it sure knows how to provide some laughs.

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[[folder:Season Seven (2020)]]
* On the aftermath of the Trump impeachment trial and his interference in the sentencing of Roger Stone.
** John opens the season by talking about the biggest news stories during the hiatus, ending with "what happens when an obvious criminal socipath is accused of abusing his power, yet somehow holds onto his office by sailing through a sham investigation"... [[BaitAndSwitch and then reveals]] that he's talking about how sports mascot Gritty was being cleared of assault charges after being accused of punching a teenage fan. ''Then'' he brings up Trump's impeachment trial.
** When John was discussing Gritty's case in itself, he takes exception of the reporter describing Gritty's eyes as "googly."
--->'''John:''' For start, I'm not sure that "googly" is the best way to describe Gritty's eyes at all. Deeply psychotic? Sure! Two swelling vortexes of horniness and rage? Better! [[{{Squick}} A pair of haunted nipples floating on a plate of milk and surrounded by a nest of orangutan pubes?]] Now we're getting somewhere; now we're describing this monster's eyes.
** John is not reassured by Maine Senator Susan Collins saying that Trump has learned his lesson from the impeachment.
--->'''John:''' Of course he hasn't learned his lesson! Trump never learns his lesson! This is the man whose first-born child was Donald Trump Jr., and he ''kept'' having children! There is no lesson-learning capacity in the man!
** When discussing Trump ally Roger Stone being found guilty on various charges only for the Justice Department to overturn the ruling for half-assed reasons after Trump complained about it, John calls out how Stone is ''obviously'' guilty by bringing up his infamous fashion sense:
--->'''John:''' ... and also, look at him! I know you shouldn't profile people based on how they look, but [[PunctuatedForEmphasis Look! At! Him!]] ''[each word punctuated by a picture of Stone in outlandish clothes]'' Look at him! His dress code is "Business scoundrel"! He looks like the mannequin at a department store for ComicStrip/DickTracy villains! He looks like a guy whose day planning just says "[[Film/WhoFramedRogerRabbit Frame Roger Rabbit]]"! Look at him!
** John shows several clips from pro-Trump pundits defending his medding into Stone's trial, ending with one saying that the Justice Department works for the President and is part of the Executive Branch. John sarcastically agrees with him, leading to a convoluted story about what would it look like if a group of DOJ officials had to take orders directly from Trump.
--->'''John:''' Oh, he's right of course! Everyone at the Justice Department works for the President. When he says "Jump", they should say "How high?"; when he says "Lock her up, they should say "How long?"; when he says "Get me Film/{{Flubber}}", they should say "From the movie?"; when he says "Yes!", they should say "Okay?"; when he says "Where's that Flubber I asked for?", they should say "We're working on it!"; When he says "I need it now", they should say "Okay, here it is!"; when he says "Is this lettuce?", they should say, "No, that's Flubber"; when he says "It's not dancing", they should say "It's probably just tired!"; when he says "Go away so my Flubber can sleep", they should say "It would be an honor"; and then everyone in the Justice Department should line up and kiss the Flubber goodnight because ''dammit'', they're part of the Executive Branch, they work for him!
** John notes that Trump's remarks about the case resulted in Attorey General William Barr saying that Trump should stop tweeting about DOJ cases, which was perceived by most of the media as a riff between Trump and the AG, but John said that he had "a sickening feeling" that Laura Ingraham was the one who actually got it right when she said that Barr actually was basically telling Trump "I got this." All of this leads into a hell of a punchline.
--->'''John:''' To borrow a phrase used almost exclusively by white supremacists: ''[[TakeThat Laura Ingraham is right.]]''
* On Medicare For All:
** John describing a Fox News anchorwoman[[note]]Lisa Kennedy Montgomery, or just Kennedy, also known for being a former MTV VJ[[/note]] as "Sarah Palin's fourth attempt at cloning herself" and "Creator/TinaFey doing her best [[Film/AustinPowers Dr. Evil]] impression."
** John discusses how health insurance company PEHP started sending their clients to Tijuana, Mexico, to buy their drugs in exchange for $500.
--->'''John:''' That's fucking crazy! Giving you $500 to go to Mexico to buy drugs is not what your insurance provider should be doing. It's what your sketchy friend Meredith should be doing, cause she wants to make Brianna's bachelorette party ''(squeaky female voice)'' ''a total rager! I'd go myself but I have outstanding warrants...''
** After discussing the issue of wait times, John remarks that no one likes waiting in line for anything, and when faced with one in Trader Joe's, people would either abandon their cart or pull the fire alarm and sneak out with their groceries undetected.
--->'''John:''' [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial I'm not saying I ever done that]], I'm just saying ''(pulls out a grocery bag, crowd cheers)'' I had a show to do tonight and who wants some peanut butter pretzels? ''(flings package to the crowd)''
** As John discusses how Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg's proposal, "Medicare For All Who Want It", doesn't actually address the problems that exist within the American healthcare system:
--->'''John:''' That's kind of like being offered [[DistinctionWithoutADifference either a shit sandwich or a slightly smaller shit sandwich with guac]]. I mean, I guess I'll take the second one if you're asking, but honestly, the lack of guac wasn't really my main [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] concern.
* On Michael Bloomberg's presidential campaign:
** John is pretty freaked out by one pundit's explanation of why people would vote for Bloomberg:
--->'''Pundit:''' They like dating Pete [Buttigieg], they like dating Amy [Klobuchar], but they like the guy who can take them to the prom in the the best-looking gown, the best-looking dress, and the biggest flowers, and that's Mike Bloomberg.\\
'''John:''' What are you talking about? That is such a creepy thing to say. Although, just for the record, ''nobody'' is hoping that Mike Bloomberg will take them to the prom. Now, I do get why you might confuse him with a prom date, though; he's painfully awkward, looks uncomfortable in a suit, and he's a virgin. I know, I know he technically has two daughters, but that doesn't change the fact that Michael Bloomberg has big virgin energy.
** When John discusses how much money Bloomberg has spent on advertising for his campaign, he says that at this point the viewer will probably have seen one already. Just as he says that, a pop-up ad for Bloomberg appears onscreen. Made more hilarious John shrieking "'''WHAT THE FUCK?!'''" when he notices it and shoos it away with a rolled paper, at which point the ad grows legs and runs away.
** John is clearly at a loss for words when he sees that one ad for Bloomberg consists simply of Bloomberg asking "Where's my ice cream?", and after being handed a pint and awkwardly taking a scoop out of it, saying "Big Gay ice cream is the best."
--->'''John:''' ''...Okay?''
** John then notes that Bloomberg's campaign has been paying meme-generating Instagram accounts to make memes for his campaign, including one named "shitheadsteve." John then acts as if shitheadsteve was a bastion of journalism and [[BrokenPedestal is now tainted for him.]]
** When John discusses Bloomberg's controversial stop-and-frisk policy as Mayor of New York City, he notes that he may be not the best person to do it.
--->'''John:''' People of color don't need their experience validated by somebody like me, who, let's face it, is so white he looks like the ghost of a stork who died of a milk overdose while listening to ''Radio/WaitWaitDontTellMe'' I know what I am!
* On Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi:
** The segment on Modi starts with John saying that India just narrowly beats out the United States where a [[UsefulNotes/TheRaj twenty-minute lecture in a British accent is the least welcome]].
** John taking the opportunity to give Trump TheReasonYouSuckSpeech when he mentions Modi being the Father of India:
--->'''John:''' Yeah, that’s not so bad, is it? You know what a father is, right? It’s a guy who brings the family together by giving them lots of money but never emotional validation and sure, that means the remainder of your life is spent in a series of grasping quests for recognition and unconditional love from everyone around you and if anyone doesn’t love you enough, you hate them and want them to die in prison because living this kind of life is kind of like being in a very nice boat made of friends think you’re the best and anyone who doesn’t think that is a small hole in your boat and it lets the water in, and eventually you sink below the waves, and there’s nothing left but you drowning in a silent, screaming, abyss that your father bestows you as your gruesome birthright!
** When talking about how Modi's supporters are dedicated enough to wear masks of him at his rallies, John begs his audience to never do that in his show, accompanied by a graphic depicting that, since that is one of his ''literal'' nightmares.
** John notes that Modi's election in 2014 was one of the subjects of the show's very first episode, and then complains that Modi has aged much better since then than he has.
--->'''John:''' If this is the result of someone slowly poisoning me... please do it faster.
** A clip at one of the recent New Delhi riots where some protestors even torched buses.
--->'''John:''' Burnt out buses generally aren't a sign that people aren't happy with you. They're a gesture that says, "You suck so hard I don't even care how I get home."
** After a clip of a Hindu nationalist favorably speaking of how Hitler preserved the "purity" of his people, John states that the only thing Hitler should be praised for is killing himself, [[CrossesTheLineTwice complete with a graphic of John giving a thumbs up and reading "Way to go, Hitler!"]]. John then asks that the viewer not take that image out of context.
* On Coronavirus:
** John starts by mentioning that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) said that the virus spreading to the U.S. was "not a matter of 'if' but 'when'".
--->'''John:''' "Not a question of 'if' but 'when'" is just not a comforting thing to hear about the spread of something deadly. It's only conforting if you're talking about whether Creator/SaoirseRonan will win an [[UsefulNotes/AcademyAward Oscar]], or whether UsefulNotes/HenryKissinger [[TakeThat will ever die.]] ''[audience gasps]'' Don't worry, it's not a question of "if", but "when"! ''[crosses fingers with an excited expression]''
** When John lists many questions on the way one could get coronavirus, which includes gargling with bleach and eating Chinese food.
--->'''John:''' Of course you can't get the coronavirus from eating Chinese food. In fact, if you're eating at a Panda Express, you can't even get ''Chinese food'' from eating Chinese food. Although I will say this: you are unlikely to get the coronavirus if you regularly gargle bleach, because you know what they say, being dead is already the best medicine.
** After John notes that journalist Chuck Todd considered that the virus's disease having a 2% mortality rate wasn't severe, and telling an anecdote about telling it to his son:
--->'''John:''' Okay, so, first, on behalf of your teenager: "Dad, get out of my room and stop telling me the news!" But second, 2% of people is ''a lot'' when you're talking about those people dying. Think about it this way: Two percent of people disappearing was literally the premise of ''Series/TheLeftovers''. You know, the show whose pilot very much did ''not'' consist of Creator/JustinTheroux going "Well, that was rough, but to be honest, could have been worse" and then the show ended.
** When showing a news clip about how loudspeakers were installed in Wuhan (from where the outbreak started) notifying of the city's lockdown.
--->'''John:''' ''Holy shit.'' A talking box that tells you you can't leave your house feels pretty dystopian. To be honest, I prefer ''our'' dystopia where ''[shows an Amazon Alexa]'' a talking box listens to all our conversations and then tells Jeff Bezos when I'll need underwear next. It's such a convenient way to give up everything.
** When John lists the many ways countries around the world made campaigns to stop the spread of the virus, he highlights Vietnam doing a song about hand-washing that is incredibly catchy, even becoming a [=TikTok=] challenge.
--->'''John:''' Vietnam made a song about washing your hands to prevent coronavirus infection and it ''absolutely slaps''! That's a genuine club banger right there! [...] It makes all other songs about washing yourself look like trash, and I'm talking to you here, [[Series/SesameStreet Ernie]]. Look, you're been on top of the pile for a long time, but you got complacient, didn't ya, and while other artists were out there innovating, you kept singing the same old ducky song. You lost the hunger, son! You fell asleep on the wheel and music moved on without ya!
* When doing an update about the episode about Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi, John reveals that in India, streaming service Hotstar didn't carry the episode. John then adds that Hotstar has a history of censoring episodes, in particular those featuring jokes about Disney, due to Hotstar actually being owned by Disney, such as removing a joke in the episode about the U.S. census that WesternAnimation/MickeyMouse was a cocaine addict (calling it a "Disney Fact"), and one in the episode about China's One-Child Policy that WesternAnimation/DonaldDuck's penis is shaped like a corkscrew (which in particular annoyed John, since in real life duck ''do'' have corkscrew-shaped penises). He then states that, in virtue of the authority he considers him having played [[WesternAnimation/TheLionKing2019 Zazu]] gives him, he's going to make "Disney Fact" a RunningGag.
-->'''John:''' If I say that [[WesternAnimation/BeautyAndTheBeast Cogsworth]] collects Nazi memorabilia, guess what? That's canon, baby! That's a Disney fucking Fact right there! And for the foreseable future Hotstar, you'll look forward to learning a lot more of them on this show, 'cause we're gonna slide them down into our stories like WesternAnimation/ChipAndDale [[AssShove slid into]] Creator/RichardGere. ''That's a Disney Fact, motherfuckers!!!''
* On Coronavirus III:
** When discussing hair dressers being unnecessary right now, he said your hair will look bad, but you'll get through it.
---> '''John''': ''(shows a picture of himself with his hairstyle from his ''The Daily Show'' days)'' Trust me. ''(shows another)'' Trust me. ''(shows a high school pic with another bad haircut)'' ...TRUST me.
** After Trump remarks that the Coronavirus is a "different kind of a war":
---> '''John''': Yeah, I guess it is different, isn't it? It's like UsefulNotes/WorldWarII only the enemy is invisible, or like UsefulNotes/TheVietnamWar only this time, Trump is [[TakeThat actually]] taking part.
** John shares a clip of the Governor of Kentucky chastising people in his state not taking social distancing seriously enough, even [[TooDumbToLive throwing so-called "coronavirus parties"]]. After agreeing with the stupidity of this, John then calls attention to the Governor's sign language interpreter, who upon hearing the phrase "coronavirus parties" pauses in the translating to give what John calls "the perfect WTF face". He then asks that someone gif that woman's expression immediately. BilingualBonus comes into play here—the interpreter actually pauses her interpretation to do the ASL sign for [[FlatWhat “what”]].
** Since social distancing prevents John from doing his grandiose, budget-wasting displays, John decides he needs another way to waste HBO's money. To that end, he somehow found his way to the Gallery 33 televised art auction in 1992, which at the time was selling, among other thing, erotic art of anthropomorphized rats by Brian Swords of York, Pennsylvania. Fixating on a specific piece sold for $80, he offers $1,000 to the current owner so he can hang it on his wall for future broadcasts, plus $20,000 to that person's local food bank.
** A couple weeks later, John revisited the subject, showing a few other artworks along similar lines people had sent to him (including a depiction of Oliver as "a hot rat") before leading into the announcement that he had tracked down and purchased the piece he wanted:
--->'''John:''' Look... is this what America needs most right now? No, of course it isn't! America needs a vaccine, more ventilators, [[TakeThat a different President]], and also would just like a quick break. But you know what would be nice in the meantime? ''A victory!''
* On One America News Network:
** The "And Now This" segment is about all the news people working from home over telecom asking each other if they're wearing pants. [[BrickJoke At the end of the episode]], once John signs off but leaves the camera running, he gets up and reveals that he's ''not'' wearing pants.
** John predicts that news networks will one day announce his tragic death via pelican.
--->'''John:''' Look, I love corndogs, the pier, and taunting large birds. It's only a matter of time.
** A nice CallBack to the "trust me" from the previous episode, talking about how one of OANN's news hosts got a haircut in an act of "defiance", and John saying you'll survive if you have bad hair on TV...
---> '''John''': Trust me. ''(shows a picture of himself with bad hair)'' Trust me. ''(shows another)'' Hey! Look at me. Trust me. ''(shows another)''
** John reveals that OAN reporter Chanel Rion runs a word-of-the-day website, Wordeby's, focusing on erudite, obscure words such as "Metanoia", "Orphic" and "Backpfeifengesicht", the last of which he frequently mispronounces. John describes the website's About page as fanfaronade and at the end of the video, disparages OAN with more words.
---> '''John''': This website is so handy!
** John shows a tweet by OAN's network account, lambasting Trump for neglecting to mention [[AttentionWhore them]] in his thank-you speech to his supporters in the media.
---> '''John''': They slip from fawning praise to sullen fury if people stop complimenting them for a single second, although when you put it like that, you do kind of get what OAN and the President see in each other.
* On Coronavirus IV:
** The perils of working from home: John has no idea what a news reporter was talking about because [[FunnyBackgroundEvent a cat was sitting on a mantelpiece in the background and licking its asshole.]]
** John is of the opinion that the Amazon logo looks like a circumcised penis.
* On Coronavirus V:
** John commenting that Rush Limbaugh has "millions of listeners, a Presidential Medal of Freedom [[BreadMilkEggsSquick and]] almost certainly a room in his basement that his housekeeper is not allowed to go into."
** John shows clip of Sean Hannity discussing that baseball stadiums be open, miming how he'll eat a hot dog (complete with a stupid sound effect) and drink his beer.
---> '''John''': Anecdotally, I know a guy who ate a hot dog once and didn't get Coronavirus so that [[SarcasmMode absolutely checks out]].
** John comparing Limbaugh's gold microphone to [=C3PO=]'s penis.
** When noting that Trump parroted Steve Hilton's "cure is worse than the disease", John wonders why Trump can't parrot other shows the next day:
---> '''John''': If he's gonna do that, the very least he could do is pick a better show than ''Steve Hilton's The Next Revolution''. Why not go with ''Below Deck: Sailing Yacht''? That way, we get to hear the President the United States tell us about how Adam the chef is a tease and how Madison needs to understand her role in the interior pecking order and start listening to her chief Stu because Jenna does ''not'' need to take her shit. Yes, it wouldn't be helpful during a pandemic, but al least it wouldn't be actively harmful!
* On Wendy Williams: In a clip, Wendy calls for her cats, Chitchat and Myway:
--> '''John''': Now look! There's nothing surprising with cats not coming when they're called. After all, you've never seen any cats on this show and I have 28 of them. Watch. Milkdud! Domino! Gaster! Jefferson! Opus! Stanley! Clown Car! Becky! Allison! Deborah! Gus! Gus 2! Gus 3 - The Final Gus! Gus 4 - A New Begussaning! Creator/DanielCraig the Cat! Gumdrop! Mr Prettywhiskers! Bluebell! Amelia! Reginald! Strawberry! Floopynummybutterkins! John Jr! Stripey! Noodles! Dikatbe Mutombo! Dikatbe Catombo! FRANK! ''(beat)'' See?
* USPS:
** John plays an audio clip of a toilet being flushed during oral arguments to the Supreme Court. John criticizes this, so naturally it happens to him. He then yells to his son that they are strictly to poop on Tuesdays.
** John paraphrasing Bill Barr:
---> '''John''': History is a lie we tell ourselves when we fall asleep at night, the world is nothing but formless chaos and there is no truth but that which that the strong impose upon the weak.
** John describing Peter Hagel's suit as "the carcass of an American flag that he murdered".
** The smiling mail lady who interrupts Tik Tok videos, including an "interspecies orgy" (two cows licking a cat).
** The "stuck on stamps!" retro '90s ad.
---> '''John''': First: That song can get it. And also, kudos on featuring all the stamps that kids love, from those slammin' dino stamps to the dank "get well" stamp with irises, and my personal favorite: The one that simply says "lace-making". And I think I speak for cool kids everywhere when I say there's simply nothing doper than a totally bitchin' lei stamp; I'm just worried it might be ''too'' cool.
** John noting that you can't download medicine from the internet. Although, you ''can'' download ''The Medicine'' by Jeremy Renner... "but, and this is very important: [[TakeThat You shouldn't do that.]]"
** John having bought a "The Grass is Greener Under My Weiner" rock from Kansas and [[EnforcedMethodActing visibly struggling]] to pick it up and put it down. The rock makes loud "thunks" when being placed back onto where ever it was resting on.
--->(the second time) Jesus Christ!
* Cats: With videos of cats watching Last Week Tonight spreading around the internet, John did a special Cat Week Tonight skit, ending with a parody of his Doomsday video, with Michael Sheen just saying the word "Cats" over clips of cats.
* Voting By Mail: His off-topic rant about Creator/HBOMax:
---> '''John''': What the fuck is that, by the way?? Does anyone actually know? How do I get it? ''I'm'' on it and ''I'' don't know! And why is it so purple? It's like I'm watching television from inside Grimace's asshole, and not in a good way.
* Coronavirus VIII: Prisons & Jails:
** When discussing cramped prison cells:
---> '''John''': It's hard to practice social distancing when you live in what's basically a closet with two beds and a toilet. In fact I'd argue you can't practice most things under those circumstances apart from games like, "let's try not to accidentally hug each other" and "who can poop the quietest". And incidentally, the correct answer to that last question is Creator/BlakeLively; she poops the quietest. That is simply a fact.
** Bringing up Balloon Boy:
---> '''John''': Remember when Balloon Boy was the craziest story you had to worry about? 2009 truly was a simpler time to be alive.
** John ''gleefully'' explaining what a K-Pop stan is, and how they used fancams (for the uninitiated, just a mix of edited videos of your favorite celebrity with music playing over it) to troll the hell out of white supremacists. He's also confused, but delighted to announce that there is at least one fancam of ''him''. With precisely one like.
--->'''John:''' I don't know what the correct number of likes is for a video of my face and body, but I will say that one [[SelfDeprecation feels a little high]].
* China & Uighurs:
** A reporter confronted the CEO of Volkswagen exec about if it uses forced labor.
---> '''John''': Wow. Finding out that Volkswagen is overlooking a massive human rights crisis is kind of a lot like finding out your grandparents are still having sex. Sure, it's completely horrifying, but it really shouldn't be ''too'' shocking; after all, they've been doing it since World War II.
* Juries:
** Noting that people with the last name starting with "Z" always get the short end of the stick, and protests that people with Z last names are hotter:
---> '''John''': Music/{{Zayn}}, [[Creator/ZoeSaldana Zoe]], Creator/{{Zendaya}}, Creator/ZacEfron, and of course, zonkeys: Half donkey, half zebra, ''all'' sex.
** His entire diatribe on the creation of Vinnie Politan's "Race Card".
** His mini rant against the town of Danbury, CT, just for how randomly vitriolic it is. It comes back again in the following episode on the border wall.
---> '''John''': If you're going to forget a town in Connecticut, why not forget Danbury, because - and this is true - FUCK Danbury! From its charming railway museum to its historic halfstone castle, Danbury, Connecticut can eat my whole ass! I know exactly three things about Danbury: USA Today ranked it the second best city to live in in 2015, it was once the center of the American hat industry, and, if you're from there, you've got a standing invite to come get a thrashing from John Oliver, children included - '''fuck you'''!
* RNC 2020 and Kenosha:
** John happily notes that for once, an episode's main story is actually about stuff that happened that week, meaning that the show is finally living up to its title.
** After reviewing Danbury's response to him randomly insulting them, John is delighted when the mayor says that they plan to name their sewage plant after him. Then he tears into the mayor for chickening out on the promise, and offers $50k to fund various local charities on the condition the mayor honor his original claim. He even provides the sign so the taxpayers won't have to fund it.
* The World Health Organization (WHO):
** The RunningGag through the segment of John's bewilderment at Trump referring to the WHO as being "literally a pipe organ of China", leading John to constantly put up a picture of a pipe organ and state that "it ''literally'' isn't", because [[GrammarNazi that's not what the word "literally" means]].
** John shows a clip of Trump and his supporters accusing the WHO of being influenced by China, ending with Republican Representative James Comer saying, [[RhymesOnADime "China lied, the World Health Organization complied, and as a result many Americans died."]] John says that "that rhyme sounded compelling, but it is important to remember, not everything that rhymes is true." He decides to demonstrate it via RefugeInAudacity.
--->'''John:''' Here, I'll show you: "In 1981, James Comer was up to no good / He stood on a boat and pushed it as hard as he could / And [[CrossesTheLineTwice that's how James Comer]] [[StockUnsolvedMysteries killed]] Creator/NatalieWood." That is a fantastic rhyme, no questions there, but I do have to accept that it might be untrue.
* John's months-long feud with Danbury, CT comes to an end with the city finally agreeing to rename their sewage plant after him.
* 2020 Election results:
** John gives out the e-mail address the GOP is using to collect reports of election interference, casually mentions that the term of art for that is "ratfucking", and suggests the audience do what they will with that information. Meanwhile the graphic is his favorite painting of furry rat erotica.
** John mocks the infamous clip of a man crashing a press briefing in Nevada to repeatedly rant "The Biden crime family is stealing the election, the media is covering it up!" before abruptly stopping and storming off. Bonus points [[NoSell to all the people in attendance being completely unfazed by the guy's presence and the speaker in the briefing who was interrupted carrying on like nothing happened.]]
--->'''John:''' I think my favorite thing is just how painfully clear it is there that this guy was expecting to get dragged away and was then completely stunned it didn't happen. "The Biden crime family is stealing our freedom! The Biden crime family is-- [[MoodWhiplash Really guys, nothing?]] No one's gonna escort me outta here, seriously? I was really counting on someone tossing me in a car and taking me away, I don't actually have a ride home otherwise. Alright, I guess I'll walk. Have a great day everyone. Pizzagate was a 9/11 or whatever."
* Trump & Election Results:
** John making up a story about Forty Fort, Pennsylvania, where a case of voter fraud was found (ironically committed by a Trump supporter). John narrates that the settlers came up with the name as a joke, laughed and went ahead with it despite the protest of a single settler (bearing a resemblance to John), a story that he admits has as much basis as Republican voter fraud claims.
** In the final segment, John recaps all the fun things he and the crew have done all season, including the constant Adam Driver jokes. [[SpeakOfTheDevil However, just as John is doing another one, Driver himself calls]], [[OhCrap much to John's horror.]] This leads to a hilarious confrontation between the two men where Adam Driver angrily calls out John for all of the jokes. It eventually culminates to John apologizing (after three failed attempts) and Driver ordering John to leave his void in the same way that John delivered all the Driver jokes.
** As it is the season finale, John decides to reminiscence for a bit on the year that has passed, noting how the COVID-19 pandemic he has forced him and his crew to produce the show under unusual circumstances:
--->'''John:''' I used to get to ''see'' the incredible people I make this show with! Most of whom I miss ''very'' much! ''(close up on John as his expression turns dark)'' ...[[MyFriendsAndZoidberg And three of whom I don't.]] [[YouKnowWhatYouDid Two of you know who you are.]]
** John lists the events of 2020.
--->'''John:''' Look, this year has been an absolute ''parade'' of misery. [[ListOfTransgressions In January alone, Australia was being ravaged by wildfires, Kobe Bryant died, and for a few days it ''really'' seemed like America was about to go to war with Iran! That was all ''this'' year! And that was before the coronavirus exploded, and everything got even ''worse.'' Mass unemployment, evictions,]] [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking that video of those celebrities singing "Imagine"]]. [[FauxHorrific It was]] ''[[FauxHorrific really]]'' [[FauxHorrific terrible!]]
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Season Eight (2021)]]
* "The Next Pandemic":
** Before the main segment, John talks about the promotion Arizona Republican Party used to promote their agenda: Rambo's speech at ''Film/RamboIV'' ("Live for nothing, or die for something."). John is taken aback by this not because of how absurd the quote is, but because there are plenty of other quotes from other Creator/SylvesterStallone characters that are better by a mile. Cue John listing several iconic quotes from other Stallone characters no matter how outlandish they seem.
** At the start of the segment, John brings up how the next pandemic could come from any virus, demonstrating with a CGI virus which takes John's statement as words of encouragement and goes off to start infecting people. [[BrickJoke At the end of the episode]], it comes back to start gloating about everything it's going to do and how John's going to get blamed for it.
** When discussing chillingly foreshadowing footage from 2016 of a virus expert discussing the infection dangers of a bat cave in China frequented by tourists and how it could very likely cause a future pandemic, John questions who even thought it was a good idea to make a "walk-in bat toilet" a tourist attraction in the first place.
--->'''John:''' That might be the worst tourist attraction since Ride/{{Disneyland}} put Creator/JohnnyDepp animatronics in the Ride/PiratesOfTheCaribbean ride. Come on, Disney! There's ''kids'' here! They're here to watch some jolly nautical rapists and thieves! Not a weird, sad millionaire doing a B+ Music/KeithRichards.
** To demonstrate how new pathogens are spread by the destruction of wild habitats, John plays several clips of scientists explaining how much of the world's landmass has been pushed aside for human development. He then states that while some of this has been necessary, in many cases it's been to make room for things that are completely unneeded, [[TakeThat like Salt Lake City]].
* The segment on police raids opens with John remembering cop shows... including ''Series/CopRock''. Not only he [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer has to point out the "musical police procedural" was a real failed show]], but he makes sure to play a song sung by ''a child trafficker'' '''thrice''' during the episode!
* "Unemployment":
** At the start of the segment, John engages in a little more BitingTheHandHumor:
-->'''John:''' Unemployment: The thing that would absolutely happen to ''me'', if AT&T executives found out what I have been saying about them. But on the other hand, what are they gonna do? Look up it up online? ''How?'' With ''their'' internet plan? And then what? ''Call someone?'' Using AT&T? I think I'm fine.
** John opens the story with a ''Sesame Street'' clip wherein Elmo's mother is revealed to have lost her job, and she assures Elmo that it's not his fault; John questions if this is true, since Elmo's home [[FriendsRentControl seems like a bit of a stretch for a limited budget]]. [[BrickJoke At the end of the episode]], John states that all the problems he's mentioned over the course of the segment are no one's fault... except maybe Elmo's.
* When discussing how a sports stadium is reopening for business, John mentions how it's made a habit of having screens depicting a CGI hand sanitizer bottle spraying all over attendees, [[DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything which looks strikingly like]] it's ejaculating all over them. And then [[RunningGag a couple of times]] throughout the episode, a similar CGI bottle appears over John and sprays over him, to his disgust.
-->'''John''': I feel dirtier now!
* John ridicules the Democratic Party for promoting their Covid-19 stimulus bill in an ad using the "cue card" scene from ''Film/LoveActually'', which he finds [[MisaimedMarketing incredibly misguided]] for several reasons:
-->'''John:''' No. There is simply no thematic or conceptual reason to use that scene. Start with the fact that the video was posted on March 10th, [[SeparatedByACommonLanguage and depending on which direction you’re going]], that’s either 290 days before, or 75 days after Christmas. Also, why would either of these people care about the stimulus bill? They live in London! And who are they even meant to represent in regards to it? Are we supposed to be Creator/KeiraKnightley? Is this guy Nancy Pelosi? And if so, who is the husband in the other room we’re supposed to be hiding this interaction from? I mean, yeah, [[TakeThat I’m pretty confident the elected official hounding a staffer is Andrew Cuomo]], but other than that, nothing makes sense here.
* "The National Debt":
** John revealing that the son of the man behind the Times Square debt clock is Robert Durst. Yes, [[Film/TheJinx THAT]] Robert Durst.
** John replays Fox News reporter John Stossel's fear-mongering segment of Greek riots as a reaction to the Duke not returning on ''Series/{{Bridgerton}}''.
** John buys a Creator/NicolasCage pillow where he's nude in a banana with two wolves around him. He later reveals he bought a second one:
---> '''John''': I was worried that my wife would get jealous, so this one [[BaitAndSwitch is to replace my wife.]]
** John's reaction to Ted Cruz summarizing the GOP's hypocrisy when it comes to the national debt and trying to deflect it:
--->'''John''': I do not like that man Ted Cruz, I do not like his far-right views. I do not like him in these reeds, I do not like him when he feeds. I do not like him by a wall, I do not like this shit at all. I do not like him as Santa's elf, that man Ted Cruz can go fuck himself.
* Vaccine hesitancy:
** John saying one of few side effects he had after the second shot was being a "boss ass bitch", a CallBack to a video earlier in the episode.
** After showing a lame "get vaccinated" PSA from Lousiana Senator John N. Kennedy, John says that's the worst thing to come out of a Kennedy's mouth since [[CrossesTheLineTwice the back of a Kennedy's head]].
** John goes on an absurd and strangely tranquil tangent about how comfortable it would be to live inside an egg, yolk included, whether the egg is giant or he's shrunken down. Even odder, he's saying this as an example of something Bill Gates wouldn't tell his then-wife.
* John's reaction to seeing that the WhiteVoidRoom in ''Film/MortalKombat2021'' looks just like the one the show's used throughout the pandemic.
-->'''John:''' What the fuck? The void is taking other jobs now? Although it’s clearly been the BreakoutCharacter of this show in the last year, so I shouldn’t really be surprised it’s doing cameos elsewhere on HBO Max. It is so white and depressing, I genuinely confused it for ''Series/MareOfEasttown''.
* In the Stand Your Ground segment, John points out that NRA lobbyist Marion Hammer (largely credited for the adoption of Stand Your Ground laws across the United States) also once helped kill a petition to make the scrub jay the state bird of Florida partially on the grounds that "I don't think scrub jays can even sing."
-->'''John:''' Scrub jays can't sing? You might want to tell that to the scrub jay, Marion!
-->[plays a clip of a scrub jay [[BaitAndSwitch chirping with no particular melody]]]
-->'''John:''' See? That's fine! Is it great? No, it's not great. [[SoOkayItsAverage It's fine. It is perfectly fine.]] Sure, the bird is no [[Music/MariahCarey Mariah]], but it's also no [[Creator/RoseanneBarr Roseanne]]. If that bird is anyone, it's Music/{{Fergie}}. You heard me, the scrub jay is Fergie. Tweet it, talk it, put it in your pocket, I've made a flimsy take and I'm proud of it.
* Sponsored Content:
** A real newscast from New York:
---> '''Sue Simmons''': At eleven, pay more at the grocer, but getting less. We'll tell you how to get the most. ''(over footage of a cruise liner)'' The ''fuck'' are you doing?!
** John shows an old newscast from the 1960's where it awkwardly cuts from a teaser to a story about a race crime to an ad where an actor looks a little too excited about a ham he's sponsoring.
---> '''John''': ...A man who is, no matter what he says, definitely fucking that ham.
** John is grossed out by a man's hand gesture that looks like fondling balls.
---> '''John''': That is unnecessarily gross. This isn't how you represent "cake and icing"; this is how you bring a [[CallBack mash's ham to orgasm]]. You give it the old wiggle and squeeze and then a twist and a snap.
* The Cheerios saga: In a week the show was off, they released a web-exclusive about cereal in which John issued Cheerios a challenge to tweet "Fuck you" on their official account in return for him donating $50,000 to a charity of their choice. Cheerios tweeted back a counter-challenge (since they refused to drop an F-bomb, stating they're a family-friendly brand) to tweet "Families make good go round". The ''Last Week Tonight'' account [[ExactWords obliged]], posting photos of the Manson family, Menendez brothers and a plaque reading "the Sackler Wing", before acknowledging all their photos were of [[TakeThat murderers]] and tweeting "Fuck you" to a random Twitter user [=AlexPon21=].
* Asian-Americans:
** John notes that a poll asking Americans to name a famous Asian-American resulted in the majority (42%) saying they didn't know one, followed by 11% saying Creator/JackieChan (who's actually from Hong Kong) and 9% mentioning Creator/BruceLee (who's been dead since 1973). John notes that this is particularly embarrassing since the poll was conducted while UsefulNotes/KamalaHarris, who's Asian-American,[[note]](being born from an Indian mother)[[/note]] was U.S. vice president, saying that it would be like asking Americans to name a famous UsefulNotes/{{Joe|Biden}} and getting back 72% asking "Who's Joe?", 17% saying Creator/JohnKrasinski, and 11% Series/JoeMillionaire.
** When discussing the Chinese Exclusion Act, John notes a poster announcing its passing reading at the top "Hip! Hurrah!" followed in the middle by "[[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment Hip! Hurrah!]] The White Man is on Top." John claims that it's redundant.
--->'''John:''' If you said "Hip! Hurrah!" twice, you really don't need to say "The White Man is on Top." It's like saying "Blue Lives Matter" or "[[TakeThat Welcome to]] [[Series/SexAndTheCity Carrie Bradshaw's]] [[TakeThat bedroom]]"; the "white man on top" part is very much implied.
** After showing a clip about how America's fear of [[JapanTakesOverTheWorld the economic ascent of Japan]] in TheEighties led people in Detroit organize contests in which they smashed Japanese cars, John is not impressed.
--->'''John:''' ''Wow'', that's stupid. I honestly can't think of a single good reason to beat up a car, except maybe if [[Franchise/{{Cars}} Lightning McQueen]] owes you money, and to be honest, even then, if you really want to hurt him, you don't beat him with a sledgehammer; you light Mater on fire and you make him watch, that's what you do, everybody knows that. ''Where's my fucking money, [=McQueen=]!''
* 2021 NYC Mayoral election:
** When discussing how this is the first election since New York started using Ranked Choice Voting, John plays a clip of Bill De Blasio explaining the system using the metaphor of ranking your favorite pizza toppings. John lambastes De Blasio for the ridiculous nature of this explanation, then [[SeriousBusiness going on a rant]] about De Blasio's first topping choices being green peppers and onions.
** After showing a clip of Eric Adams giving a tour of his apartment to the media in order to prove he's a NYC resident, John dissects the appearance of the apartment compared to past views of it Adams has posted on social media, stating that it looks more like Adams' ''son'' lives there and Adams himself doesn't.
** John notes that being ridiculous seems like a key way to getting elected Mayor of New York, bringing up Rudy Giuliani ("9/11 Nosferatu"), Mike Bloomberg ("Billionaire elf"), and De Blasio (reiterating the bizarre pizza topping metaphor).
* The episode about Health Care Sharing Ministries ends with the return of Creator/RachelDratch as Wanda Jo Oliver to promote the Our Lady of Perpetual Health church, a spinoff of Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption, and its own HCSM, [=JohnnyCare=].
* John opens the July 25th episode with an announcement that the show is a few weeks away from being able to leave the white void and return to their old studio. Cue an animated face appearing in the void, revealing it to [[GeniusLoci be alive]] and grateful to get rid of John, who comments on how odd it is that the void hasn't made its presence known for the last year and a half he's been there. The void says that it's because it [[SelfDeprecation doesn't find John funny]].
* In the third segment on Opiods, John notes the Sackler family opened a site called judgeforyourselves.info to spread propaganda on how they're not killing people. John is aghast at the fact this multi-billion dollar empire didn't even pay to get judgeforyourselves.com, and it was only $2,500. So of course, this meant John swooped in and bought the URL himself. It goes to a video of Creator/RichardKind reprising his role as Richard Sackler from the last segment, and provides info and evidence that Purdue Pharma is responsible for a massive number of deaths.
* In "Afghanistan", the blank white void where John's been filming—which has turned out to be sentient, with animated eyes and a mouth—is disappointed that John isn't going to have a bigger, more elaborate sendoff to the void now that he's going back to his old studio. When John walks off-camera, the void begins to sing [[Theatre/LesMiserables "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables"]], making pointed jabs at John, who grows increasingly exasperated. When he finishes, the void [[MotorMouth very quickly]] adds "Queen Elizabeth had Princess Diana murdered", and John cries out a RapidFireNo as he runs back into frame, knocking over one of the stage lights as the episode cuts to black.
* On the Texas abortion ban:
** John notes that the ban is such a huge piece of news that even TMZ, of all people, covered it.
--->'''John:''' ''What the fuck?!'' Congratulations Texas, I think you just broke TMZ! They shouldn't be having to be covering this story, they should be doing what they do best: Gather around in a circle of America's worst bachelor and bachelorette party attendants, while Harvey [Levin] hydrates from a large container, and they all dissect something like whether or not Creator/KatherineHeigl's dog got butt implants! You know, what they're good at!
** John then follows that joke by saying that, if TMZ is doing his job, he'll get to do theirs, showing a picture of abs and asking his (newly-returned) audience to identify "which hot Hollywood hunk has these summer-ready abs."
--->'''John:''' And guys? ''[[[BrickJoke produces a large container and drinks from it]]]'' Guys? It's Creator/WallaceShawn.\\
''[shows Shawn's head photoshopped into the abs' body]''
** John notes that after the ban went into effect, a pro-life group set up a website to report abortions, which was promply flooded with critics of the ban {{troll}}ing it, including reporting the characters from [[Franchise/MarvelCinematicUniverse Marvel's Avengers]] getting abortions, which John says "is a hell of a pitch for an episode of ''[[WesternAnimation/WhatIf2021 What If...?]]''"
** After John notes that another way the anti-abortion report website was trolled was by Tik Tok users bombarding it with ''Franchise/{{Shrek}}'' porn.
--->'''John:''' "Tik Tok users bombard anti-abortion website with ''Shrek'' porn" [[ARareSentence is one of those sentences I never thought I'd have to say]], like "Everyone needs to stop talking about [[UsefulNotes/NorthKorea Kim Jong-un's]] sexy bod"[[note]]Around the time the episode was aired, Kim Jong-un made a public appearance in which he was noted to have drastically lost weight.[[/note]] and "Creator/BenAffleck looks so happy right now."[[note]]Around the time the episode was aired, Affleck reunited with his early-2000s girlfriend Music/JenniferLopez.[[/note]]
* As usual, the upcoming 2021 fall season is marked by a "And Now, This…" segment with the crazed excitement of the show's pumpkin spice latte announcer… until Bud Light announces their pumpkin spice latte-flavored seltzer and the camera cuts to the announcer behind the mic, [[EveryoneHasStandards who is visibly disgusted by the news to the point of tears.]]
* On Alexander Lukashenko:
** John starts the segment with a map of Europe with a country labled Belarus, [[LampshadeHanging lampshading]] the fact that he knows his audience is expecting him to do his "a country you think so little about" RunningGag. But he says it was meant to encourage people to learn some basic geography, but feels like people just grew to enjoy the humiliation...[[DoubleSubversion which is why those people will be happy to know]] that the country highlighted isn't actually Belarus.
** A middle-aged, balding and somewhat rotund BBC journalist demonstrated how Belarusian political dissidents were forced to strip naked in freezing conditions by [[FanDisservice stripping naked]] and leaning against a Cold Store wall, arms outstretched and spreadeagle. John is [[StunnedSilence stunned into silence]] at the {{Squick}} of it.
** A year ago, Belarusian broadcasters abruptly resigned and walked off their show, leaving viewers watching an empty set of desks and upbeat music. John praised it as a brave act of protest and everyone's [[TakeThat dream panel]] on ''Series/TheView''.
* On COVID Misinformation among immigrant diaspora communities:
** An Indian Tiktoker made a video on him making a fake poster advertising Samosa as a cancer cure, which leads John to remark how it takes "a few superficial labels and style choices to convince people that something with no real substance is actually meaningful and good."
---> '''John:''' Or as it's known in America, the Franchise/MarvelCinematicUniverse. ''(audience laughs and groans)'' Grow up!
* On Homelessness:
** Early in the episode, John shows a clip from ''The Tyra Banks Show'' where she goes undercover as a homeless person. Later on, he shows a different clip from another episode, where she's foaming at the mouth and "bites" an audience member.
---> '''John:''' There is ''some'' context for that, but the truth is, [[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext it honestly wouldn't make it make much more sense.]]
** John goes on a short tangent discussing how [[Film/WillyWonkaAndTheChocolateFactory Charlie Bucket's grandparents]] [[TooMuchInformation are able to have sex in their shared bed]].
* On Taiwan:
** He shows a clip of a Taiwanese heavy metal singer ranting about Taiwan being forced to call itself "Chinese Taipei" in the Olympics, or as the singer describes it, "Chinese [[PrecisionFStrike Fucking]] Taipei". John jokes that, given Taiwan's relationship with mainland China, if their official Olmpics name really was "Chinese Fucking Taipei, that would a be "at least a little more accurate, vis-a-vis who is fucking whom." He [[BrickJoke later reveals]] that the singer is now a ''member of Parliament''!
** John's coverage of Taiwan Parliament brawls. Yes, plural. They include water balloons, pig guts, and even someone ''eating a bill''.
* On the Power Grid:
** Before the main segment, John opens up the episode by mentioning that among the news of the week, Music/{{ABBA}} released its first album in 40 years, "so you ''know'' your parents are fucking tonight."
** "All casseroles are shit."
* On Union Busting:
** John notes the irony of Amazon's classes dedicated to discourage workers from forming an union being called "union training"
--->'''John:''' It's not "union training" if the explicit goal is to kill the union. It'd be like taking a dog training class from Cruella de Vil. ''[shows a picture of Creator/EmmaStone from ''Film/{{Cruella}}'']'' Although, [[TakeThat no, not the one that's a misunderstood "bohemian" or whatever]], I'm talking about the ''real'' Cruella. ''[shows Cruella from the animated ''WesternAnimation/OneHundredAndOneDalmatians'']'' Yeah, that one! The original, doggie-cidal bad bitch.
** Since the previous week's episode about America's power grid ended with an on-set explosion, the last show of the season couldn't end with an explosion like last season's finale. Thus, instead, John uses his finger-snapping to call on Creator/GeorgeClooney ([[RunningGag something he'd done throughout this season]]), who, in turn, gives John the power to call on any celebrity of his choosing, calling Creator/JenniferCoolidge (who assumed she was invited by either Creator/JimmyKimmel on ''Series/JimmyKimmelLive'' or Creator/JamesCorden on ''Series/TheLateLateShow with James Corden''), Creator/WillFerrell, Creator/RuPaul, Music/CardiB (who mistakenly thought there was something wrong with her home's Alexa), and Creator/LeslieJones.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Season Nine (2022)]]
* John opens the season with a story about Canada (specifically the trucker protests in Ottawa against pandemic protocols), describing the country as being "like Santa".
-->'''John''': It's northern, jolly, and full of reindeer jizz. (''audience groans'') We're back!
* On Critical Race Theory:
** John brings back the Green Eggs and Ham-themed insults towards Ted Cruz when Cruz compares the teaching of [=CRT=] to the Ku Klux Klan.
--->'''John:''' I do not like that Ted Cruz man. I do not like him shouting Klan. I do not like him in a room, I do not like him in Cancun. I do not like him playing ball, I do not like his face at all. I wish he'd lose his cushy job, that man, Ted Cruz, is a fucking knob.
** After Tucker Carlson voices that [=CRT=] is immoral ''immediately after'' claiming he "never really figured out what it is", John provides this response.
--->'''John:''' Wow. I don't know if I have ever seen a person confidently complain about something just seconds after admitting they don't know shit about it. "Look, I never figured out how a car engine works, to be honest, but there's a chimpanzee under the hood turning a crank, and when you press the accelerator, it pokes him with a sharp stick and makes him crank faster, and it's immoral to do that, because it's wrong."
** When showing examples of the ways some states downplay the history of racism in America, one book contains the claim "the slave who knew Christ had more freedom than a free person who did not know the Savior." In addition to its blatant racism, John notes how out-of-place it is for a school textbook, and the overall ridiculousness of the claim itself.
--->'''John:''' Any kid reading that absolute trombone-slide of a sentence would instantly drop two full grades! It sounds less like something you'd find in a textbook, and more like something you'd find crocheted on a throw pillow in Paula Deen's living room!
* John bringing up the sheer MoodWhiplash of an incident wherein CNN cut from covering the Russian invasion of Ukraine to an upbeat Applebee's commercial. And after the segment on the invasion ends, the "And Now This" segment adds that same commercial into famous news broadcasts (Obama announcing Bin Laden's death, the Kennedy assassination, the OJ Simpson murder trial verdict, Princess Diana's death).
* On Harm Reduction:
** The heimlich maneuver bit:
---> '''John''': If ''any'' life-saving tool should be criminalized, it obviously should not be drug checking equipment; it should be the heimlich maneuver. I'm sorry, but let's get this very clear here... if you see me choking, that is frankly ''none'' of your business. If I die, let me do my favorite thing in the world: Not being surprise-hugged by a stranger. ''Do not touch me under any circumstances.''
** The ''Inside Edition'' teasers:
---> '''Announcer''': Bugging out! The president attacked by a cicada! Then, the guy who says he was swallowed by a whale! ''(second guy shown)'' He says it also happened to him! Then, baby dinosaur mystery! And, you call ''this'' lunch? What the heck is this? Then... (Man shows off his chest: "Not bad for an old man.") Then, storage lockers. Millions of Americans are storing their stuff in them. And, freakout! Then, ''(footage of birds singing)'' their songs so beautiful. Plus, gator girl. Plus, wild goose chase? (Man: "Or has he been eaten by alligator?") Then, chiropractors for babies! And, champagne wedding toast- this is ''not'' gonna end well.
** And the second one:
---> '''Announcer''': Peacock invasion! (Woman: "It sounded like babies being tortured.") Then, the Brazilian butt lift! Then, tortoise theft, and you've been replaced by a robot waitress! Then, hey buddy, how's the fishing? Plus, (Man: "911, bad haircut.") Then, do face coverings prevent women from getting cat calls? Plus, (a woman is shown lifting a barbell; another woman asks: "Is the baby in danger?") Then, the woman they're calling "Hula Hoop Karen"! And, Mask Wars Karen, and why these people named Karen are fed up! Plus, supermodel Gisele saving the turtle! Then, the loopy Taylor Swift patient, whose dentist doesn't like Taylor Swift! (girl: "You don't like Taylor Swift, don't touch me!")
* John opens the April 3 show by bringing up Will Smith hitting Chris Rock at the Oscars and the myriad of response to it, then shows what he feels is the most inappropriate one -- namely O.J. Simpson, of all people, condemning the situation. John points out that O.J. is the ''last'' person who has any room to talk about this kind of thing.
* Trucks:
** John discusses America's brief obsession with truckers in the 1970s and becomes fascinated by a trailer for ''Series/BJAndTheBear'':
--->'''John''': Yes. The true Golden Age of Television right there. This whole medium peaked in 1979 and we will never see the mountaintop again. That promo started - ''started'' - with a driver living with a chimpanzee, and it escalated so fast Creator/CaseyKasem didn't have time to ''mention the chimp''! Where did it come from? Was the chimp also in Vietnam? Why is it called Bear? Who cares, there's no time, it seems we're shooting guns from helicopters at other helicopters now. Those details are just gonna have to wait. Every year the Emmys should release a statement saying, "All awards go to ''B.J. and the Bear'' again. Try harder next year, TV."
** When mentioning how truck drivers can actually end up owing their employers money due to how they get deducted from their pay for everything they do, John describes it as being given an envelope and finding it's full of -5 dollar bills. A picture then goes up of a 5 dollar bill but with John Wilkes Booth on it.
--->'''John''': That makes sense, he does cancel out a Lincoln. That's why Aaron Burr's on the -10 and why the -100 features the steak that Benjamin Franklin choked to death on while trying to win a t-shirt. Learn your history, people!
** The commercial for a fake TV show parodying an earlier shown one about a trucking show, only this one spells out all the very real problems with the industry that John has spent the episode discussing.
*** One trucker (played by Creator/RobCorddry) tries to ask dispatch for permission to stop driving and sleep, only to be laughed off. When he persists, the dispatch people start reciting lines from ''Theatre/{{Hamlet}}'' to mock him; he questions how they're able to quote that verbatim.
*** Another trucker is handed a paycheck that informs him he now owes the company CEO money. The CEO is gleeful and makes him pay on the spot.
* Police Interrogations:
** John notes that interrogations are popular for television shows, using examples from Series/{{NCIS}}, Series/MajorCrimes, Series/LawAndOrderSpecialVictimsUnit... and [[Recap/MyLittlePonyFriendshipIsMagicS1E25PartyOfOne My Little Pony]].
** Noting that a technology mentioned by interrogators (lasers that pick up fingerprints) doesn't exist, but thinks that it will soon be made into a Creator/DisneyPlus series now, starring the ''Franchise/StarWars'' lightsaber:
---> '''John''': The laser will be voiced by Creator/OscarIsaac, [[ArousedByTheirVoice and we'll all come.]]
* Utilities:
** The twice-done "turned on by animals" gag:
--> '''John''': If your profit is pegged to doing certain things, you're going to make sure that you do those things more. It's just like if HBO only paid me for every time I got weirdly horny for an animal, except that's actually a bad example, because the show would pretty much look exactly like it already does- ''(a photo of a cheetah appears)'' Not now, not now, I'm trying to make a point. Go away before I change my mind... Goodness ''gracious''.
** Then later:
--> '''John''': Climate change is very real and unicorns sadly do not exist, which I know is not ideal, although if you're in the market for a majestic creature with a lot of horn... ''(same cheetah image appears)'' this guy... may be able... to help you.
* Water:
** After playing a clip of Utah's governor calling on "people of all faiths" to pray for relief from the state's drought problems, John takes the mickey out of the governor by stating how desperate he must be if he's calling on the prayers of non-Mormons in a state that's ''dominated'' by Mormons.
** The segment concludes with Creator/BrianCox appearing as God, chastising Americans for not taking water shortages seriously. And of course, he signs off with a conclusive [[Series/{{Succession}} "Fuck off!".]]
* Law and Order:
** When discussing the impact of ''Series/LawAndOrderSpecialVictimsUnit'', John shows a particular [=TikTok=] of Olivia Benson:
--->'''John:''' Look, in general I think I've made my position on police brutality pretty clear, but even I will admit—it is hard to resist the sight of Olivia Benson slamming an asshole's head on a table to the beat of [[Music/GwenStefani "Hollaback Girl"]], in which case, go off girlboss! Lean into state-sponsored violence!
** The show's Law-and-Order themed credits.
* Jair Bolsonaro:
** "Now, you may remember four years ago, we actually discussed his first presidential run. I assume. I don't watch this show."
** One of Bolsonaro's supporters is wearing green and yellow face/arm paint while screaming and doing a Hulk pose. John admits: "I love that man." He also notices that there's a security guard over his shoulder "scanning the crowd for threats while looking everywhere but at the bright green man right in front of him screaming so hard he might explode."
* Museums:
** When noting how easily museums can be scammed with stolen artifacts, John brings up a story of how an art fraud scheme was uncovered because of a photo of Kim Kardashian next to a sarcophagus, which went viral and let to an anonymous tip revealing the coffin was stolen. He notes that she's produced a lot of incredible images of her standing next to men who look like they died a long time ago, with a photo of [[SelfDeprecation himself and Kim Kardashian]].
** Given the difficulty of repatriation, John proposes a plan B: the Payback Museum. What follows is a skit where Creator/KumailNanjiani presents a museum full of various British, American, and French artifacts presented in the same way that a lot of African, Asian, and South American artifacts have been presented in museums, with hilarious results.
*** The first exhibit is one of the Stonehenge arches. They took it because Britain was leaving it out to get wet so they clearly couldn't be trusted with it anymore. And also to spite them.
*** The Asia wing was meant to have 10th century Cambodia statues, but they were stolen and now all that's left is their feet. So in return, they've got a "bunch of shit" from France, including ''Art/TheMonaLisa'', Versailles art, and ''Art/LibertyLeadingThePeople'', which has just been rumpled up in a corner.
----> '''Nanjiani''': The story of its ownership can be just as interesting as the art itself. Who's owned it, who's loved it, who [[BreadEggsMilkSquick yelled "STOP!" as we ran out of the museum with it]]....if that happened, [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial which it definitely didn't]] because we have the papers [[BlatantLies saying it's fine!]]
*** The final stop is the storeroom, containing loot, more loot, and [[BlackComedy three of Gerald Ford's ribs]]. Because they couldn't get four.
* At the start of a story about the British monarchy's role in British imperialism, John admits that it's unlikely to be aired in the UK, so he's prepared an alternative -- a 25 minute clip of Winston Churchill going backwards down a waterslide, set to the ''Benny Hill'' theme music.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YNku5FKWjw John discovers fans of his somehow input weird stories with him on AI image generators.]] One involved a cabbage, so he films himself marrying a cabbage with Creator/SteveBuscemi presiding the ceremony. In the season finale, he returns for more, and when a request for an elaborate episode closing setpiece involving clowns in unicycles only returns a recreation of John out of the UncannyValley, he puts HBO's money exactly in that, saying clowns in unicycles is a very accurate translation of the chaos of 2022.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Season Ten (2023)]]
* Psychedelic Assisted Therapy:
** The segment opens with a video of a British reporter attempting to film a take while literally tons of psychedelic drugs are being burnt behind him. Emphasis on ''[[MushroomSamba attempting]]''.
** When discussing the campaign against psychedelics, John can't help but pay close attention to how the couple in the 1967 commercial are impeccably dressed.
---> '''John''': "Honey, they'll be hauling Jimmy's body to its final stop before Hippie Hell. Quick, where's my tie clip? Helen, tie clip! The neighbors may see, they're gonna think we're poor! Get it together Helen and find my tie clip! The boy is dead!"
** The journal ''Science'' had conducted a study alleging that one use of MDMA (ecstasy in common circles) in monkeys caused permanent brain damage. The scientists in the study eventually retracted their findings because they somehow overlooked that monkeys were accidentally given ''meth''[[note]]According to ''The Guardian'' article detailing the incident, it stated that the supplier somehow mislabeled the vials used in the study[[/note]].
---> '''John''': Any study's result is gonna change if the independent variable is suddenly and unexpectedly ''fucking meth''! "We've studied the vaccine for COVID and the participants are going apeshit for it!"
* Artificial Intelligence:
** During a story about James O'Keefe being fired from Project Veritas, clips are played of conservative news anchors' commenting on it, with Steve Bannon calling O'Keefe a "national treasure". John responds by stating that America's national treasures are actually Music/DollyParton, Creator/PedroPascal, and Film/CocaineBear.
--->'''John''': And I'm just saying now -- threesome when?
** John shows a snippet of video where the [=YouTuber=] Grandayy wrote the prompt "Write an Music/{{Eminem}} rap song about cats" into [=ChatGPT=]. The [[https://youtu.be/jnQ0zEQPu_A results]] are glorious.
** In an interview, an AI researcher uses the term "pale male data" to refer to how AI developers have an unfortunate habit of mostly using white men and men with lighter skin tones as examples for teaching AI, making them more likely to misinterpret women and people with darker skin tones. John says "pale male data" is [[SelfDeprecation probably how an AI would describe the show]].
* Ron [=DeSantis=]:
** While introducing [=DeSantis=] and his new book "The Courage to Be Free", John tells his studio audience to look under their seats for a gift; the absence of the book so they don't have to read it.
*** Later, John calls out a woman for submitting book challenges and accuses her of just skimming the books and declaring that no one should read it, which he admits is how he feels about "The Courage to Be Free".
** After [=DeSantis=] misgenders transgender swimmer Lia Thomas and signs a proclamation claiming that the runner-up was the actual winner of the 2022 NCAA Division 1 Women's 500-yard Freestyle (which he has no actual power to affect), John decides to sign a paper retroactively declaring that [=DeSantis=]' Little League team never made it to the Little League World Series and that they would be replaced by the Season 6 cast of Rupaul's Drag Race.
* Homeowners Associations:
** John acknowledges that the segment won't mean anything to anyone under 35, since they aren't economically likely to ever be able to afford home ownership, and invites anyone in that age bracket to go online and watch a segment about the history of Chuck E. Cheese instead. The Chuck E. Cheese segment is real, and in it John admits that it "officially got out of hand" as they were researching the subject, and expanded from its intended 5-6 minute runtime to actually being longer than the HOA segment.
--->'''John''': You can stop watching this at any time if you like, but this studio audience ''cannot leave''.
* October 1, 2023: How do they start the first show since the end of [[UsefulNotes/TVStrikes the 2023 WGA Strike]]? Showing the clip of Louisiana senator John Kennedy reading the text from a book being banned.
** Later during the recap, John tries to brush over how Colorado congresswoman Lauren Boebert got kicked out of a performance of ''Theatre/{{Beetlejuice}}'' for inappropriate behavior and move onto a more serious story about Italy's financial problems, only to be unable to resist going back to Boebert's story for more details. This happens multiple times.
* The segment on the Israel-Hamas war is a pretty grim one, and as such, John has little footage to show of the attacks on Gaza that aren't utter misery. However, he does find one amusing clip of a young Palestinian boy succinctly describing the situation on Al Jazeera.
-->'''Reporter:''' How have the past few days been, Abdulaziz?\\
'''Abdulaziz (translated):''' Like shit.\\
'''Reporter:''' It's OK, we can cut it out. Tell me, how have the last few days been, Abdulaziz? Explain to us.\\
'''Abdulaziz:''' You mean about the war?\\
'''Reporter:''' Yes, how has it been with the war?\\
'''Abdulaziz:''' ''Like shit.''\\
'''John:''' Yeah, ''of course'' it feel like shit. There is no other way to put it, and I'm honestly glad that he didn't even try there. I also appreciate him asking asking for clarification when the reporter started over. "Sorry, just to be clear, you're asking what it's like to live through ''this war'', right? OK, I got it; my answer remains ''like shit''. Next question, please."
* Solitary Confinement:
** John takes some time to discuss the fashion choices of a group of guys in a "man on the street" interview about solitary confinement (where they all took longer than John would have expected to confirm that, yes, solitary confinement means only one person per cell), referring to them as "human red solo cups."
** John plays an excerpt from a Frontline video of the banging and screaming one constantly hears in solitary confinement. As horrifying as it is, there's some levity when John compares it to "the soundtrack to ''STOMP''."
* Freight Trains:
** Before seguing into the very serious problems in the frieght train industry, John quickly discusses the rather dark Thomas and Friends episode, "The Sad Story of Henry", where the titular train gets his rails taken away and becomes imprisoned in the tunnel he refused to get out of.
--->'''Narrator:''' But I think he deserved his punishment. Don't you? (roll end credits)\\
'''John:''' Look here are children's shows, and there are British children's shows. And that is why I am, and this is true, like this.
** The segment ends with LWT's own Thomas and Friends parody of the episode, where Henry is a freight train. In true Last Week Tonight fashion, it CrossesTheLineTwice many times.
*** One scene has Henry stopping in the middle of town, blockading all of the people and a fire engine trying to get through [[note]]A common issue with freight trains is sudden stops and blockades, which potentially prevents emergency services from getting through[[/note]]. Henry explains that he's physically unable to move due to exhaustion and not having enough room:
--->'''Narrator:''' So they both just sat there. And watched the children's hospital burn.
*** Henry the Frieght Train's... questionable contents:
---> '''Narrator:''' He carried all sorts of things people needed, like [[BreadEggsMilkSquick medical bandages. Corn. Vinyl chloride.]] [[OverlyLongGag Fireworks. A mysterious red substance. Question mark. Question mark? Hand grenades. Question mark? Plugged in space heaters.]] And all sorts of zoo animals.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Season Six (2019)]]
* How John begins the first episode of the season:
** John states that too many things happened during the three months the show went on hiatus, so he sums it up as "Every single person in America is now running for President, and Jeff Bezos told us all to keep an eye out for his dick pic."
** John does not let Donald Trump's "hamberders" tweet slip away, saying that Trump will probably tweet about his declaration of national emergency on the border as "The Berder Cornstidutes a Nertional Ederdency."
** John is perplexed at how Trump summarizes the legal challenges he expects his declaration to have, made more so by Trump accentuating the end of every clause.
--->'''Trump:''' And we will have a national ''emergency'', and we will then be ''sued'', and they will sue us in the Ninth ''Circuit'', even though it shouldn't ''be there'', and we will possibly get a bad ''ruling'', and then we'll get another bad ''ruling'', and then we'll end up in the Supreme ''Court'', and hopefully we'll get a fair ''shake'', and we'll win in the Supreme ''Court''...\\
'''John:''' You know, yet another great reason for Trump to not be President is that I now kind of want to see him as a historical expert on the next Ken Burns miniseries. "[[UsefulNotes/WorldWarI They killed the Arch-]]''[[UsefulNotes/WorldWarI duke]]'', and Germany got ''mad'', and then there were ''tanks'', and also poison ''gas'', and there was [[ComicStrip/{{Peanuts}} a beagle on a dog house flying around shooting at]] ''[[ComicStrip/{{Peanuts}} people]]'', and then America ''won''..."
* When discussing how IKEA apologized for leaving New Zealand off a world map they're selling, John does an entire segment about how this keeps happening with world maps, saying how odd it is for a country that's essentially "Times Square if all the people were replaced with sheep, and all the signs were also replaced with sheep", with an absurdly photoshopped visual to match. In the end, he reveals that the show's Twitter feed is providing [[https://twitter.com/LastWeekTonight/status/1097346602388389893 maps of New Zealand that can be printed out and added to the map of the user's choice.]]
* When discussing the looming Brexit deadline:
** John first shows a clip from a British reality show, ''Series/LoveIsland'', where half the people involved don't even know what Brexit is, then go onto a tangent on whether it'll affect their ability to buy cheese. It says a lot about the discussion that, despite ''Last Week Tonight'''s fame for "deep dives", John does ''not'' want to dive into it.
--->'''John:''' There's a lot to unpack there, but I'm not going to because I don't think it ''should'' be unpacked. It's like offering to help a friend move, and all the boxes are labelled "dead spiders for mom". You ''could'' unpack them, but it might be better to just burn the whole place down and never speak of it again.
** Clips from another reality show, ''Series/{{Gogglebox}}'' (which show people's reactions to what they're watching on TV), shows that many people are confused and scared by Brexit. One particular clip has a man, in response to the constant Brexit covering, quoting a mug he saw (which read "New Day, Same Shit"), to the annoyance of his swearing-hating wife, and the man justifying it by having been on the mug. John then jokes that the man places the blame for all his bad decisions on mugs.
--->'''John:''' ''(as the man)'' Another mug I saw said, "I think this marriage just isn't working". It's not my fault, Mary, it was on the mug!
** When discussing the European boy band "Breunion Boys" and their songs dedicated towards trying to convince Britain to stay in the EU, John states that [[TakeThat their music is a reason in and of itself to leave.]]
*** How do the Breunion Boys try to convince Britain to not leave? [[FemaleGaze Lift up their shirt to show their rock-hard abs]] while saying "Look at what you leave behind." John isn't impressed, since every British person [[BlatantLies is already incredibly ripped, including John himself and especially the Queen]], thus not needing ripped Euro people, and tells the six-pack "pencil-neck" to get out.
** When a man whose business is built around transporting flowers between Britain and Europe complains about how Brexit could seriously negatively impact his business, John warns that there shouldn't be any sympathy for the man, as the rest of his interview reveals that he voted ''for'' Brexit, because he didn't stop to think about the possible consequences.
** [[RunningGag Once again]], John notes that when the show airs in Britain, they won't be able to use part of the story because it uses a clip from proceedings in Parliament. So, John provides British viewers with another clip... from an 80s Chippendales exercise video, with no context whatsoever, after a newscaster says that this is the footage of the meaningful vote's result being announced.
** The [[UsefulNotes/WinstonChurchill pseudo-Churchillian]] RousingSpeech at the end.
--->'''"Churchill":''' (Creator/StephenFry) [[NiceJobBreakingItHero We shall fuck ourselves at the ports, we shall fuck ourselves in the shops, we shall fuck ourselves in the hospitals and in the fields. We shall never surrender!]]
* When Mark Harris dismisses his son's comments about the scandal surrounding his supposed election fraud as "a touch of aggression", John says that sounds like a good name for a restaurant owned by Alec Baldwin, wherein waiters scream the menu at you and then punch you in the face.
* Going into a story about celebrity psychics, John outright admits that he doesn't believe in psychics and isn't going to pretend otherwise.
** At one point, he shows a clip of John Edward doing a performance for a town of primarily Irish descent, to which he eventually just starts throwing out random Irish surnames in the hopes of getting one right. John states that it sounds like he's trying to guess the true name of the Lucky Charms leprechaun -- which John then claims is actually Ibrahim Saladin Al-Saheem, stating that the audience needs to readdress their conceptions of Irish culture.
** Another clip of Edward shows him making an inaccurate guess about an audience member, but then trying to convince the audience member that he's actually right. John says that Edward should be given credit for "doubling down on a bad guess".
** A clip showing old footage of a celebrity psychic on ''The Today Show'' is prefaced by John saying "I'm afraid it's the exact ''Today Show'' anchor that you are hoping/dreading is", revealing him to be Matt Lauer, which ends with Lauer saying that he was "touched" by his reading and "in tears" afterwards. John says this is odd, as [[CrossesTheLineTwice usually when Matt Lauer is involved with people being touched, he's not the one in tears]].
** This little response from John on a clip of a local news team busting a phony detective psychic who said that the boy from the photograph she was given is in heaven, unaware that the same boy is alive and sitting right behind her.
--->'''John''': That boy is indeed in the opposite of heaven, [[TakeThat he's at a Denny's.]]
** At the end of the episode, John sets up a fake morning talk show with its own fake celebrity psychic, namely Rachel Dratch reprising her role as Wanda Jo Oliver, John's "wife" from the Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption skits, though now wearing a blonde wig and with a fake Jersey accent (as she's now parodying a particular psychic).
--->'''John:''' Didn't you use to be Southern?
--->'''Wanda Jo:''' Not anymore!
** Wanda Jo proceeds to give a blatantly fake spiritual reading, constantly referring to the spirit she's allegedly talking to as "he or she" and guessing random letters and saying that they're all somehow connected to the spirit.
* [[RunningGag Once again]], John has Gilbert Gottfried dub over a video clip of Jared Kushner speaking.
-->'''John:''' Look, I don't know when this joke is going to stop being funny, but it's not fucking now, and it probably won't be next time!
* On "Automation":
** John spending a minute and a half mispronouncing various countries after learning Trump's nicknamed Nepal and Bhutan "Nipple" and "Button" respectively.
*** Then during actual segment, he comments a robot will never take his job because it would make a mistake like [[SelfDeprecation spending a minute and a half listing country names Trump would get wrong]].
** John's reaction to old advertisements calling machines "mechanical slaves":
--->'''John:''' ''(in an exaggerated British accent)'' Slaves slaves slaves! Oh, how I have missed them! Yes! Mechanical slaves! If you close your eyes, you can forget that they're mechanical!
** Bringing up a story of a robot that was sent hitch-hiking across the US, and how it was destroyed in Philadelphia. The robot's creators write it off as saying it could've happened anywhere, but John immediately calls bullshit...
--->'''John:''' [[ARareSentence This is a city with a chronic police horse-punching problem]]. Sending a hitch-hiking robot into Philadelphia is not unlike sending a beautiful bell symbolizing freedom into Philadelphia. There is no way it's going to remain in one piece, and there's a non-zero chance that someone is going to try and fuck it (''Gritty appears and starts fucking the Liberty Bell... to which John [[{{Corpsing}} briefly loses his composure]]'')
* On Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro tweeting a video of a golden shower:
** John finds out that one news report about it, understandably, doesn't show the video in question, but John is indignant.
--->'''John:''' Oh, you're not, are you? Well, guess what? We're not afraid, we ''are'' going to show it to you, ''[audience wildly cheers]'' except ''of course we're not; what are you cheering for?!'' This is Creator/{{HBO}}! This company doesn't show debaucherous sex for the hell of it, unless [[Series/GameOfThrones a dragon is also there]] [[BitingTheHandHumor to make it okay]], that is the clear rule.
** John notes that in the tweet posting the video, Bolsonaro said "Comment and draw your conclusions." John is more than happy to oblige.
--->'''John:''' My comment is "What the fuck are you doing?", and my conclusion is you're a terrible President.
** John speculates that Bolsonaro posted the video, which Bolsonaro claimed showed the debauchery of Carnival, because the Carnival of that year roasted him, best exemplified by how a giant puppet of Bolsonaro at a parade got pelted, which John notes is quite remarkable considering that there was also a giant puppet of Music/MichaelJackson.[[labelnote:Explanation]]The episode aired around the time of the release of the documentary ''Leaving Neverland'', which went into detail about two new allegations of child molestation against Jackson.[[/labelnote]]
--->'''John:''' How much effort must have gone into that puppet that they still brought it out ''after'' the documentary? "Look, I've already sunk weeks into this, and to be fair, the documentary doesn't really tell us anything that as a society we haven't been fully aware of and willfully repressing since 1993, so if you're getting angry about it now, you're either disingenuously riding in the current social wave or you're incredibly fucking naive-- Carnival!"
* The main segment on robocalls:
** While examples of the robocalls themselves that play in the beginning aren't funny there is one that stands out because of an awkward pause.
--->'''Robocall:''' The reason of this call is to inform you that the IRS is filing a lawsuit against ''(beat)'' you.\\
'''John:''' Ohh, it's a pause in that last one that made it a real cliffhanger! I mean you basically knew where it was going but there was a tantalizing chance to inform you that the IRS is filing a lawsuit against ''(beat)'' Nicholas Cage.
** The two clips that demonstrate spoofing (robocalling a person under the name of somebody they know). One of them is Susan Collins having someone from her staff call her from across the same room they were in under the guise of the IRS. John then calls Susan Collins a proper representation of robocalls by pretending to be something while we get disappointed that she is something else.
** Another clip is of a security expert named Jim Stickley who calls Jeff Rosen's mother from the latter's own phone asking for her social security number. The unsuspecting mother freely gives it, eliciting a FacePalm from Jeff, and causing the video to get a long "bleep" to censor the number. John then jokes that the reason the number was bleeped out wasn't to protect her identity, but because the social security number was actually [[ClusterFBomb "fuck shit fuck cock twat taint jizz shit tits"]]
** Another clip shows a caller messing around with a robocaller by trying to get her to just admit to him that she's not a robot multiple times (with each time shrugging the request off by constantly stating [[FalseReassurance "I am a real person/this is a live person"]] and awkwardly laughing before saying it (with the clip cutting off at the same awkward laugh).
--->'''John:''' ''(with a [[OhCrap horrified look on his face]])'' [[KillerRobot That man is dead now. She killed him, stole his skin]] [[ParanoiaFuel and now walks among us.]]
** John brings up how the only way to contact the FCC so that a person can have themselves removed from all robocall lists (as opposed to just all ''sales'' calls that the official "do not call" registry is for) is to send a letter to a PO box. This leads into an epic rant where John goes on about how inconvenient the process of mailing letters is in the modern day (having to find and buy stamps, then find one of an increasingly rare number of mail boxes to use), culminating in him saying he'd rather be dead than having to deal with all that.
** A clip of Ajit Pai is shown where he condemns robocalls and delivers a speech about fighting them, [[EpicFail only for him to answer his phone in the middle of it and announce to everyone that he won a cruise and leaves to take the call.]] John's initial reaction (doing a muffled sound, as if trying to muster a mock-laughter but giving up halfway through) is hilarious in itself, but his followup is even better:
--->'''John:''' Ladies and gentlemen, that man is a [[InherentlyFunnyWords goober]]. And Ajit Pai clearly has aspirations for higher political office, but I will argue that that's not gonna work out for him, because Americans can, have and will elect bastards, ''[shows a picture of UsefulNotes/AndrewJackson]'' morons, ''[shows a picture of UsefulNotes/WarrenGHarding]'' blowhards, ''[shows a picture of UsefulNotes/LyndonJohnson]'' crooks, ''[shows a picture of UsefulNotes/RichardNixon]'' perverts, ''[shows a picture of UsefulNotes/BillClinton]'' dipshits, ''[shows a picture of UsefulNotes/GeorgeWBush]'' con men, ''[shows a picture of UsefulNotes/DonaldTrump]'' scumbags, ''[shows [[RunningGag another picture]] of Donald Trump]'' and shitweasels, ''[shows [[RuleOfThree yet another picture]] of Donald Trump]'' but they will never, ''ever'' elect... a goober.
** [[MemeticTroll True to his tradition]] with bombarding the FCC with complaints in protest of any controversy on their part or lack of action on issues, this time John records his own robocall and sends it out to the top people of the FCC (which only took Last Week Tonight's tech guy fifteen minutes to do so. The call goes as followed:
--->'''[=Robo!John=]:''' Hi FCC. This is John from customer service. Congratulations! You just won a chance to lower robocalls in America today. ''(monotone laugh)'' Sorry, but I am a live person! Robocalls are extremely annoying and the only person who could stop them is ''(beat)'' you! Talk to you again in ninety minutes! Here's some bagpipe music. ''(bagpipe music plays)''
** John tells the FCC that if they want the robocalls to stop all they have to do is look through their terms and conditions that are hidden within the first chapter of Moby Dick.
** At the end of the segment, he pulls out a giant red button that he states will ''not'' start the robocalls to the FCC, because that's just not epic enough and everyone is expecting it. What it ''will'' do is cause a ''giant finger'' on his set to push a ''huge'' red button to start the robocalls to the FCC.
--->'''John:''' [[Film/{{Gladiator}} Unleash Hell!]]
* In his segment on "Public Shaming"
** John brings up the public outrage over Tucker Carlson's racist comments, citing hashtags such as [=#BoycottTuckerCarlson=], [=#FireTuckerCarlson=], and [=#TuckerCarlsonFucksHisRoomba=].
--->'''John:''' That last one's not actually trending, but... ''[grinning]'' [[ForcedMeme I have a feeling it will be in about twenty minutes]].
** In response to Creator/JayLeno having said around the time the episode aired that he wished "civility" could return to late night shows because of their constant mention of politics and politic scandals, John shows a montage of clips of Leno from his ''Tonight Show'' years showing how during the Lewinsky scandal [[{{Hypocrite}} Leno was no better himself]], saying relentless SlutShaming jokes against Monica Lewinsky. To cap it off, in response to one of the jokes being Leno promoting a book about her called "[[Literature/TheCatInTheHat The Slut in the Hat]]", John recommends another book to him, "Oh The Places You Can Go Fuck Yourself, Jay Leno!".
* John discusses how, during the confirmation hearings of Dave Bernhardt to be the next Secretary of the Interior, a protester drew attention to the fact that he was a former oil lobbyist by putting on a swamp creature mask (and that up to ''an hour'' later, the protester was still there).
-->'''John:''' It is pretty funny, although I would not be doing my job if I didn't point out that ''this'' ''[shows a picture of Film/SwampThing]'' is a swamp creature, and technically what she's wearing is a [[Film/CreatureFromTheBlackLagoon lagoon creature]] mask; that distinction might not mean much to you, but in the gross aquatic goblin communities, confusing the two is actually pretty racist.
* The segment on Wrestling/{{WWE}}:
** John introduces the segment by describing ProfessionalWrestling as "literally the only good excuse to wear a onesie."
--->'''John:''' And that's right babies, you're not pulling it off; put on some jeans and a button-down like a fucking person!
** John mentions how the company was once called WWF until they lost a suit with the World Wildlife Fund, which he credits was "thanks to that fund's powerful team of Panda lawyers."
** John admits he legitimately likes professional wrestling, including showing a segment from Wrestling/WrestleMania 22 where Wrestling/{{Edge|Wrestler}} puts Wrestling/MickFoley through a flaming table. However, when announcer Wrestling/JoeyStyles says "what's gonna happen?" John chimes in "what was ''he'' expecting to happen!?"
--->'''John:''' ''[imitating an announcer]'' "Oh, the table's on fire, oh my God, here comes a Hibachi chef and he's making one of those onion volcanoes on the table! Now he's doing indoor s'mores-- '''OH MY GAWD!!!'''"
** John notes that among WWE's endeavors is its own film studio, WWE Studios, which produced ''Film/TheScorpionKing'', ''Film/{{Walking Tall|2004}}'', ''Film/TheMarine'' film series, "and of course, ''Film/{{Lincoln}}''."
--->'''John:''' By the way, their first choice to play UsefulNotes/AbrahamLincoln was actually [[Wrestling/BrutusBeefcake Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake]], but he wasn't available, so the role went to Creator/DanielDayLewis; he was-- he was ''fine''.
** John mentions that [=WrestleMania=] is considered one of the most valuable sports brands in the world, even surpassing the World Series.[[note]]In a top ten list, WM ranks 6th, while the World Series is 10th.[[/note]] John can see why:
--->'''John:''' It actually makes sense when you think about it, because while the World Series is mostly spent watching a millionaire in a button-down think about whether or not to throw a ball, [=WrestleMania=] involves things like this:\\
''[shows a clip of Wrestling/ShaneMcMahon throwing himself from the top of the Hell in a Cell structure and into a announcer's table at [=WrestleMania=] 32]''\\
'''John:''' ''[ecstatic]'' ''[[Film/{{Gladiator}} Are you not entertained?!]]''
*** John even adds that no other TV show could top that, so he states that every other TV show should be called "Unfortunately Not a Guy Exploding Through a Table" before stating that his show should be included, before showing a graphic for ''Unfortunately Not a Guy Exploding Through a Table with John Oliver''.
** When John goes through reports of wrestlers who died before the age of 65, John particularly zones in on ''Fox & Friends'' mentioning Wrestling/KingKongBundy's death, and Brian Kilmeade mentioning an anecdote about Bundy lifting him.
--->'''John:''' Wow, that is a harrowing statement there from Brian Kilmeade, only slightly dampened by his childlike wonder at how high the big man lifted him, and how did that even happen? Did Bundy offer him? Did Kilmeade ask? Honestly, I wouldn't really be surprised if one of his stock interview questions is "Up, up, horsey ride!"
** John shows a graphic showing the death rate of the population as a whole, former NFL players, and wrestlers, and while the first two are around the same level, the wrestlers' level is considerably higher than the two. John says that one would expect such a high death rate for "Test pilots who lied on their resume" or "Zookeepers who aren't just going to let some fucking baboon screech at them like that."
--->'''John:''' Hey, hey! Enough sass-mouth there, buddy! Put some respect on my name!
** John introduces Wrestling/VinceMcMahon by showing a shirtless, musclebound picture of him, which John says he took for a fitness magazine, which John says it's called "Scary Grandpa Who Looks Like A Big, Bumpy Hotdog Quarterly".
** John mentions how wrestling was originally splintered into territories around the country, showing a montage of their respective announcers greeting their audience, which ends with Wrestling/JimRoss in a tuxedo... right next to Michael Hayes with a [[NoShirtLongJacket pink waistcoat with no shirt]], flexing his muscles and mugging to the camera.
--->'''John:''' Look, I get that wrestling is all about spectacle and pageantry, but [[BaitAndSwitch a tuxedo, Jim?]] A ''tuxedo''? Tone it down a notch, you're not at a fucking gala. Michael: As usual, no notes; you look great, keep living your truth.
*** Because of all those territories and different organizations, it was originally alright for wrestlers to be considered "independent contractors" as opposed to employees since they had a choice about who to work for and when, but now that the WWE has effectively monopolized the industry and put all their wrestlers under exclusive contracts, John says that calling wrestlers "independent contractors" is about as accurate as calling UsefulNotes/JimmyCarter "a panty-dropping fuck-machine".
----> '''John:''' It's just clearly not true... ''[[IWasQuiteALooker any more]]''.
** John states that, since [=McMahon=] is an active character on his company, that gives an opportunity for CatharsisFactor when talking about him, as he has taken a lot of in-ring abuse. This becomes a RunningGag through the rest of the segment as he shows [=McMahon=] getting beat up by his wrestlers.
*** After John shows [[Wrestling/DwayneJohnson The Rock]] hitting [=McMahon=] in the head with a trash can lid:
---->'''John:''' ''[with a face of satisfaction]'' Wrestling's good, it's just very good.
*** After showing Wrestling/ShawnMichaels superkicking [=McMahon=], then teasing a strip-tease (which actually elicits cheers from John's audience!):
---->'''John:''' ''[again with a face of satisfaction]'' Wrestling is better than the things you like.
*** After showing Wrestling/StoneColdSteveAustin hitting [=McMahon=] with a bedpan:
---->'''John:''' Say what you like about that -- [[TakeThat still technically more helpful]] than a visit from [[Series/TheDoctorOzShow Dr. Oz]].
*** After showing [=McMahon=] [[AssShove get shoved face-first into the ass of]] Wrestling/{{Rikishi}}.
---->'''John:''' You know, the reassuring thing there is: You can fake being kicked in the face, or hit in the head with a bedpan, but there is no faking ''that''.
** After going through wrestlers who have accused the company of malpractice regarding health insurance, he mentions Wrestling/CMPunk's claims that they only gave him Z-Pak to the point that [[PottyFailure he shat his pants]] on an episode of ''[[Wrestling/WWESmackDown SmackDown]]'', and that he tweeted afterwards "Just shit my britches on smackdown. Please RT." John calls it "the best tweet ever written."
--->'''John:''' Seriously, you try and think of a better tweet right now. Have you got one? Does it say "Shit my britches. Please retweet."? Then it's not better, is it? Stand down!
** John notes that one way that can help is fan response, which had previously criticized the company for its treatment of their female wrestlers and its dealings with Saudi Arabia for their Crown Jewel event, putting as an example the vocal negative reaction fans give Wrestling/RomanReigns, who the company tried to promote as a {{Face}}, at one point even booing him for eight minutes.
--->'''John:''' And you might think that's harsh, but I'd argue that that was the only rational response to someone with permanently wet hair. How could it ''always'' be wet? You look like a pedophile out for a jog! Boo! Boo!
* The episode on mobile homes:
** John shows an old ad of two women getting excited over a mobile home one of them bought, which is very HoYay-laden due to some very suggestive sax music playing in the background. He then points out that anything someone could get could sound like that when that kind of music plays.
--->'''John:''' ''(in the same tone as the women from the ad)'' You got a taxidermied fox?! ''(same music plays as a creepy stuffed fox is unboxed)''
*** The same ad gets parodied at the end, reflecting the harsh realities that the woman who bought the home is going through while the friend she is showing the house to is still completely clueless, to the point that she rans her out of the house with a shotgun. Then the episode's credits showed the blooper reel of said parody, which if anything cranked the HoYay up to eleven.
* When returning to the opioid epidemic, quotes by pharma king Richard Sackler are given to Creator/MichaelKeaton ([[Film/Batman1989 "intimidating heir who doesn't like the spotlight"]]), Creator/BryanCranston ([[Series/BreakingBad fiction's best known drug dealer]]), Michael K. Williams who played Omar from ''Series/TheWire'' (another drug dealer) and Richard Kind (to make clear Sackler said "I don't know" several times in a deposition to the point he deserves to be mocked, and after noting that the three previous actors are all cool while Sackler looks quite like a dork).
* [[https://youtu.be/f4fVdf4pNEc?t=18 YOU KILLED JIGGLYPUFF! JIGGLYPUFF IS DEAD NOW! WHY DID YOU THROW IT SO HARD?!]]
** "Chijohn's Journey" is both hilarious and heartwarming.
* When discussing Australian politician Clive Palmer, John notes how he's basically just copying Trump's campaign tactics. He particularly pokes fun at how Palmer is running on a slogan of "Make Australia Great", saying that when it's lacking the "Again" it's comes off as pretty insulting to the country.
** John also brings up how Palmer is constructing a replica of the ''Titanic'' called ''Titanic II'', and lists all the things wrong with that idea: the name is too simplistic, especially since the real ''Titanic's'' actual sister ships had better ones; the name ''Titanic'' is synonymous only with size and sinking, but there are larger modern cruise liners, so now it just invokes sinking; and all of Palmer's talk of reliving the spirit of [[Film/Titanic1997 Jack and Rose]] is nonsense since they weren't real people.
* Lethal Injection:
** The segment opens up on a video of a desert tree frog, a frog which croaks like a squeaky toy (which is the species' ''war cry''). John then clarifies that that's not what the main story is about, he just wanted something cheerful to show before getting into it.
*** In response to the head of the Oklahoma corrections department confessing to using Wiki Links "or whatever it is" as a source to include the drug midazolam in a botched execution, Last Week Tonight bought the domain name "wikileaksorwhatever.com", which now shows a large banner reading "Midazolam doesn't stop people from feeling pain, please stop using it in executions" and added in the angry, squeaking frog to cut the tension.
----> '''John:''' What a frog!
** Wyoming State Senator Lynn Hutchings' justification of the death penalty: [[InsaneTrollLogic If it weren't for Jesus Christ dying under and resurrecting from it, we wouldn't have hope.]] A baffled John takes this to mean that if we kill enough people, another Jesus will emerge.
---> '''John:''' Papa needs a new pair of Jesuses!
** Twice, John reminds people that ''Series/GameOfThrones'' (which he calls "the greatest lead-in in TV history") will soon be ending. The second time, he tacks on "in three weeks, this network is ''fucked''."
*** Also, the context of that second mention. John lists all the various drugs usually involved in the lethal injection process, noting that they sound like alien races in a sci-fi book series, which he says HBO is probably already auctioning the rights for in order to produce as "''Game of Space Thrones''".
* Green New Deal:
** After explaining that Ocasio-Cortez' idea has merit, John goes into a ''very'' long tangent comparing the issue of climate change to having to flee England because you'd fallen in love with a mob boss' wife.
--->'''John:''' And it's kind of a life, I suppose - eking out a living reading off stats and jokes once a week on premium cable, but not a night goes by that you don't dream of the white Sardinian sands, and the soft lips... [[StarCrossedLovers of Isabella]]. ''({{Beat}} as an acoustic guitar plays)'' ...[[ImplausibleDeniability Just an example]].
** He then brings on [[Series/BillNyeTheScienceGuy Bill Nye]] to demonstrate how a carbon tax would work. He's unimpressed with Bill's first, dry explanation, so John requests that he jazz it up while explaining the long-term ramifications. Bill explains the ramifications before launching into [[TheReasonYouSuckSpeech this]].
--->'''Bill Nye:''' And because for some reason, John, you're a 42-year-old man who needs his attention sustained [[AttentionDeficitOohShiny with tricks]], here's some ''[[PrecisionFStrike fucking]]'' Mentos, and a bottle of Diet Coke. Happy now?!\\
'''John:''' ''(Bouncing in his seat with joy)'' [[SarcasmBlind Yes I am happy]]! I am happy! The Coke went high! The Mentos made it fizzy, I love it! I love it, Bill, I love it I love it I love it!
** He brings Bill on one last time to sum up the short, so Bill brings out a globe, a propane torch, and several ways to extinguish a fire. He then sets the globe on fire and says while he could easily put it out, in the real world the problem is much more complicated and will cost money. He settles for trying to blow out the fire like a candle, fails, then gives up and lets it burn. Poor Bill just sounds at his wit's end when explaining the consequences of global warming. After he storms off...
--->'''John:''' I think we've all [[ArtistDisillusionment broken Bill Nye]]. And I for one am absolutely on-board with his new [[DarkerAndEdgier gritty reboot]].
* John opens the story about medical devices by first talking about how much good they often do, including a news story about a elderly woman whose hip replacement allows her to take lead in a senior citizen dance group called "Moms In Da Hood". John then [[TheGadfly messes with the audience]] by pretending that the group are making a guest appearance, only to quickly reveal they're not.
-->'''John''': You think they're going to appear on a post-''Series/GameOfThrones'' HBO? They're Moms In Da Hood, [[BitingTheHandHumor they have better things to do!]]
* The 2019 UK Conservative Party leadership election.
** At the start of the segment, when mentioning Theresa May's pending resignation, John again plays clips from ''Series/{{Gogglebox}}'', that British reality show that shows actual footage of people's reactions to what they see on TV, now about May's resignation. One in particular has a woman saying that she has no sympathy for May because she had three years to work on Brexit only to "fuck it up" and get it "gloriously wrong". In response to that last comment, John shows something that he says really is ''gloriously'' wrong, specifically all the fireworks at a planned 45 minute show all going off at once.
** When discussing leading candidate Boris Johnson, John brings up various comments made about him by other British politicians, including one that actually called him "fucking stupid". Also he plays a clip of Johnson tackling a child during a publicity stunt rugby game.
** Another candidate, Michael Grove, is noted to have claimed to love rap. Yet a clip shows that during an appearance at a school, his response to a child asking him what rappers he likes is to quote lyrics from ''Music/{{Wham}}''. To which John waits a beat before saying "fresh" (in the same way he usually says "cool" whenever showing someone acting TotallyRadical).
** When discussing another candidate Rory Stewart, John notes that he too has been accused of tackling a child during a sports game (specifically a young Prince Harry). But then John notes that in the clip of said incident, the person who tackles Harry is blonde, whereas Rory is brunette. This leads to what John calls the "Second Rory Theory." ("It's a bit difficult to explain, and I don't have time to get into it now, but basically: [[ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin we think there's a second Rory.]]") This leads to a 5 minute gag of John going over the footage with all the intensity of a ConspiracyTheorist discussing the Kennedy assassination, noting that there are actually ''three'' people in the footage who might be young Rory. He ultimately decides, that most likely, Rory is the one who actually ''doesn't'' do anything to manhandle Harry, with John deciding that Rory has been allowing these accusations to persist because (going by the actions of the other candidates and past Prime Ministers) the most likely way to become Prime Minister is to be weird around children.
* The ERA:
** Most of the segment discusses the Equal Rights Amendment, and how it's ''very close'' to becoming law in America -- but there are thirteen holdout states, one of which is Florida. John then shows a clip of two young women in Florida being interviewed about the ERA, and the reporter informs them that their state is a holdout, [[OnlyInFlorida to which they both respond with exasperated groans]].
--->'''Woman:''' ''[not sounding too surprised]'' Oh my ''God'', I am so tired of living here!
*** John then points out that their exasperation is exemplified in the fact that the woman, her friend, and the reporter all seem to be dressed for different climates.
** At the end, John calls on the thirteen holdouts to ratify the ERA.
*** He admits it's almost certainly not going to be Alabama.
*** When he brings up Mississippi, [[OhCrap he stops upon realizing that]] [[WhamShot they have the Confederate flag on their state flag]] and chews them out for it. John admits that Mississippi could ratify the ERA, but it would be really out of character for them.
*** He encourages Virginia to ratify it, since, as the birthplace of Music/ChrisBrown and Pat Robertson, "You owe us this!"
*** And finally, he says he ''really hopes'' it's not Florida, because he doesn't want to have to give Florida credit for this.
* John's (infinitely more ethical) solution to the problems discussed in the Mount Everest episode is simply to [[http://thetopofmounteverest.com enable people to pander on social media, just by creating fake photos of the summit.]]
** John shows off his own fake summit the end, bragging about how he's the first British man with glasses in a navy suit to climb Mount Everest and shoos away the sherpa helping him.
** In one clip, a white tourist on an Everest expedition questions the morality of the tourists being there to one of the sherpas. The tourist is relieved with the sherpa's answer of "we're all a big family" instead of "just sherpa and client" and the two men hug. John reminds him that the relationship ''is'' just sherpa and client and calls the hug "a man squeezing the white guilt out of another man".
** In response to the fact that the majority of people going to Everest aren't really mountain-climbing enthusiasts and are really just interested in getting bragging rights and cool pictures, John suggests that they instead visit Makalu, the world's ninth-largest mountain. He then states that he made up such a mountain, only to then double back and say that it is real but is actually the fifth-tallest, and also that the picture he's been using is the view from Everest, not Makalu. All to make a point about most people's general knowledge about mountains.
** When it's mentioned that one person who climbed Everest did so in order to make the world's highest phone call, John says that [[BitingTheHandHumor he hopes the guy wasn't using AT&T or the call wouldn't go through]]. He then takes a moment to give a very heartfelt apology to "business daddy" about all the jokes, because he does feel that they have a genuine connection... and then says that he's glad that connection's not on their network, or it'd be dropped by now. The camera then pulls back as confetti cannons go off, John celebrating that he managed to zing AT&T twice in such a short amount of time.
** Following a couple of clips describing the brutal effects that “the Death Zone” (the area above 26,000 ft that has only 30% of the oxygen that’s at sea level) has on the body, most notably that it can cause your brain to be ''[[BodyHorror squeezed out of your skull]]'':
--->'''John:''' [[SarcasmMode Well that’s delightful!]] I’m just a little surprised that those descriptions didn’t just keep getting worse and worse. "Your brain is squeezed out of your skull, your nipples retract into your chest and start stabbing your heart, your kneecaps continually explode, reform, and then explode again, and the bones in your arms and the bones in your legs switch places."
* On Jared Kushner's Middle East peace plan:
** After John shows a clip of Trump expressing his trust on Jared brokering a peace deal:
--->'''John:''' Of couse he is! Jared's racked up an impressive list of accomplisments in his 38 years on Earth, from having a very smooth shiny face to ''end of list''.
** When John goes to show a clip of Jared talking, he again shows a clip of Creator/GilbertGottfried dubbing him over instead:
--->'''John:''' The man is a once-in-a-generation orator, he's like Creator/{{Cicero}} reincarnated as a garbage disposal...
** Then the clip of Jared actually explaining his plan is shown, where he says that it requires people on the Middle East to stop "doing terrorism." John's reaction speaks for itself:
--->'''John:''' Yes, after years of thinking about it, Jared's arrived at the conclusion that the Middle East would be better off if people stopped "doing terrorism." Just think about the chain of events that led him to that moment: Jared had that idea, "not doing terrorism" and thought, "That's an awesome point, I'm gonna write that down." So he did, and then he went to sleep, exhausted by the thought. He woke up next morning, read what he'd written, and he was like, "Yep, nailed it, I'm a good boy!" Then he said that point, unembarrassed, out loud in front of actual human beings.
* From the Warehouses segment:
** The clip opens up with a woman discussing the convenience of ordering on Amazon Prime.
--->'''John:''' Now I know she might sound lazy there, but you simply can't blame Ashlyn Aardema. She spent all her life at the beginning of every alphabetical list, she's never had to wait for anything!
** This commentary on Amazon's video trying to portray their warehouses as funny, breezy workplaces:
--->'''Narrator:''' Finally, Jackie gives every box a long and loving hug before loading it onto a truck.\\
'''Jackie:''' No, I don't.\\
'''Narrator:''' Oh. Maybe just this one?\\
'''Jackie:''' Okay.\\
''(Jackie hugs the box and small drawn hearts pops out)''\\
'''Narrator:''' Aw! You love it.\\
'''John:''' Hold on! ''Hold on!'' Saying "You love it," after coercing her into hugging a box is ''gross!'' And it's frankly telling that on [=YouTube=], and this is true, comments are disabled for that video. Presumably because Amazon knew that the only reasonable response to this is "Fuck everything about this!"
** When discussing a story of a women dying in a warehouse after being denied a break, two very different testimonies are discussed: the warehouse company adamantly contradicting witness accounts while refusing to hand over any reports that LWT requested (revealing that they never even wrote them), and an informal but straightforward Facebook post about employees being forced to still work even as a dead body laid on the ground. John [[OurLawyersAdvisedThisTrope legally can't say that he believes]] the Facebook post because at least it recorded something of the event. He really really wants to say that, [[IllNeverTellYouWhatImTellingYou but he's not allowed to so he's not going to say what he's said three times already]].
** At the end, the show does a parody of Amazon's video:
--->'''Narrator:''' Every day, thousands of things arrive and Sean goes to find them! Tell us about yourself, Sean.\\
'''Sean:''' I pick up products, and I'm a horrible dancer.\\
'''Narrator:''' Oh, that's fun! Can we see some moves?\\
'''Sean:''' ''(reluctant)'' Oh... I've already walked 12 miles today...\\
'''Narrator:''' ''(with more than a hint of a threat in his voice)'' I ''said'' "dance"!\\
''(a clearly unwilling Sean starts dancing awkwardly, suddenly one of his knees makes a cracking sound)''\\
'''Sean:''' Ah! Fuck! Shit! Ah!\\\
'''Narrator:''' Lisa here packs your stuff in boxes. Don't you, Lisa?\\
'''Lisa:''' Can't talk now! I'm running behind on my "units per hour"!\\
'''Narrator:''' Aw, it's okay. Tell us a little about yourself. Liz.\\
'''Lisa:''' ''(stops packing)'' I'm a mom. Got two kids. I don't see them as much as I like--\\
'''Narrator:''' NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR KIDS, LISA! YOU'RE FALLING BEHIND!\\
'''Lisa:''' ''(frantically starts packing again)'' Shit!\\
'''Narrator:''' Faster! ''Faster! FASTER!''\\
'''Lisa:''' Oh, ''fuck you!''\\
'''Narrator:''' NO, ''FUCK YOU!''\\\
'''Narrator:''' And finally, Jackie hugs every box.\\
'''Jackie:''' No, I don't.\\
'''Narrator:''' Aw, maybe just this one?\\
'''Jackie:''' Okay.\\
'''Narrator:''' ''(threatening-sounding)'' Because a lot of people want this job.\\
'''Jackie:''' ''(nervously)'' Okay...?\\
'''Narrator:''' ''(chipper-sounding again)'' One day a robot will hug boxes, and we'll be done with this whole charade!\\
'''Jackie:''' ''(resigned)'' Yeah... I get it...\\
'''Narrator:''' ''(back to threatening-sounding)'' But until then: ''Hug the box'', Jackie.\\
'''Jackie:''' ''(now scared)'' Okay. Um...\\
''(Jackie reluctantly gives the box a brief, awkward hug and small drawn hearts pops out)''\\
'''Narrator:''' ''Good.'' Now, kiss it.\\
'''Jackie:''' ''(about to cry)'' I don't want to!\\
'''Narrator:''' ''Kiss the box.''
* On UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson:
** When John explains that [[ObfuscatingStupidity Johnson's bumbling persona is really a well-cultivated image]] [[ControversyProofImage which helps him recover following controversies and scandals]], he adds that this disproves the similarities to Trump, since it's impossible to imagine Trump having that same degree of self-awareness.
--->'''John:''' (''impersonating Trump'') Look, with "covfefe", the tactic was to present myself as a kind of sub-literate clown and to distract you from the fact that I'm a mound of skin tautly stretched across the howling chasm of the space where a soul should be.
** John's remark after Johnson notes that ping pong was initially known as "whiff waff", and was invented on an English dining table:
--->'''John:''' The French looked at the dining table as a canvas upon which to create exceptional cuisine, while the British saw a way to basically invent mouse tennis!
** John recalls how as a young journalist, Johnson was fired by Times of London for completely making up a quote:
--->'''John:''' His editor claims Johnson "was the single worst employee he's ever had" and "skipped many work days to hang out with his best friend, Jeffrey Epstein". Which is terrible! It's not true, I just made that quote up! But now you can see just how irresponsible it is to fabricate them!
** After showing a video of Johnson stating that he would accuse the EU of waging a war on anything, including "prawn cocktail crisps", John notes that it's a real snack, which happened "when a country looks at a dining table and forgoes food in favour of playing whiff waff".
** John later tastes some prawn cocktail crisps, gagging and saying that "It's like eating a cremated mermaid, but in a bad way!"
** After a clip of Johnson insulting Muslim women:
--->'''John:''' That is an appalling comment that leaves a truly disgusting taste in your mouth.....much like the shrimp crisp dust that has very much voted to Remain on my fucking tongue!
** A BBC Newsnight reporter has some cutting words for Johnson:
--->'''Reporter:''' I've spoken to one figure, who said that working with Boris Johnson is like walking a few feet behind a horse shovelling its shit.
** Oliver sums up Johnson by comparing seeing Creator/HughGrant in ''Film/FourWeddingsAndAFuneral'' vs [[QuestionableCasting having him in]] ''Film/United93''. Oliver's re-enactment on what that would look like being priceless.
** In a Meta sense, the show received some backlash from British fans.....due to John's [[ITakeOffenseToThatLastOne mockery of the prawn cocktail crisps]].
* On Prison Labor:
** John opens the segment with a very poorly aged clip from a once-beloved children's entertainer explaining what prison is.
--->'''Creator/BillCosby:''' All those people who are in prison right now were kids once just like you. (''cut'') And then somewhere along the way they did something wrong, something ''dumb''. (''cut'') Whatever it was, it probably started small, became bigger, [[HarsherInHindsight maybe they even got away with it at first and thought they'd never caught]]. But they were wrong. Now, they're in prison.\\
'''John:''' Yes, they are! It's almost like ''they'' should've really seen this coming.
** John points out how the state of California employed some prisoners to help with the firefighting effort during the great forest fires, but also how, when said prisoners' terms are up, they are not allowed to use those skills they learned in civilian life, because California works under a law that bars people with a criminal record from working in emergency services.
--->'''John:''' Which means that being a firefighter in prison, [[ADegreeInUseless is not unlike being an Art History Major in college]]. It maybe be fun while you're in there, but you're ''not'' going to be doing it once you get out! Do you hear that, Vessali? You're going to work in human resources. You're going to have a favorite coffee mug and a throw pillow that says "It's Wine'O Clock Somewhere!" And you're going to stare out the window, yearning for the sweet release of death. Just. Like. ''Everybody. Else!''
* On President of Turkmenistan Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov:
** In response to a rumour that Berdimuhamedov had died, the Turkmenistan government aired clips of Berdimuhamedov doing certain activities...[[NotHelpingYourCase very physical activities, with the videos being shot in a way that it couldn't be proven that Berdimuhamedov actually did them]], [[ManipulativeEditing and in virtually all cases being clearly edited.]] [[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext Including doing donuts around a flaming crater.]] [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer Seriously.]]
** Delivering [[RunningGag yet another]] "fitness bro"-esque TrashTalk in response to a clip of Berdimuhamedov lifting a bar:
--->'''John''': Look, I hate to say this to a fellow lifter, but that shit's ''weak'', bro. You did ''one rep'', and there weren't even weights on the bar! Even when I'm taperin', I stack more plate than an omakase! My body's stuck on beastmode, and there's no off switch! You wanna know how I got these two boulder shoulders? By putting in my time, at my Fortress of Swolitude! I'm just sayin', bro, take note, cuz I burst out of suits like I'm Creator/MeghanMarkle. ''Whoo!''
** Reacting to "Sportly Turkmenistan" ([[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext a song about the importance of sports Berdimuhamedov recorded with his grandson]]) with a deadpan "Fire."
** John actually doesn't begrudge Berdimuhamedov for his bizarre obsession with Turkmenistan's national horse, the Akhal-Teke, explaining that [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial while he himself doesn't want to fuck horses, if he]] ''[[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial were]]'' [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial a horse, he'd totally be down for fucking an Akhal-Teke.]]
** Playing a clip of Berdimuhamedov [[EpicFail faceplanting during a horse race]], noting he probably finds it very embarrassing and would prefer people see it as little as possible, [[TakeThat then playing it twice more, once with a closeup.]]
** And the piece de resistance - making a world record-breaking cake showcasing that particular image.
* On Bias in Medicine:
** As an example of gender bias in medicine, a clip is played of Katherine Leon, a woman with heart problems, being denied medical attention and told to "Go home". John has this to say in response.
--->'''John:''' Wow, that doctor managed to find literally the only time in which telling someone to go home is bad advice. Cause, having a bad day at work? Just go home! At a party, stuck to a guy who wants to talk about bitcoin? Go home! You're on second, and your buddy grounds a single into left field, the outfielder picks it up and throws it to first as you round third but you realize he's overthrown? Go home! Go home!
** Talking about a documentary's jarring comparison of 83,000 excess deaths in the black community to an airliner falling out of the sky each day for a year --
--->'''John:''' You don't need to take a number that's already a disaster and put it in terms of another disaster. 83,000 deaths is like four double-decker buses driving into each other every six hours. It's thirty-two hot-air balloons exploding every minute for a week. [[CrossesTheLineTwice It's the death of Princess Diana 83,000 times]].
** On racial bias, the racist belief that black patients are drug dealers had caused a black woman with Lupus to become afraid of visiting the doctor, and John sympathizes.
--->'''John:''' Of course you'd be frightened to go to the doctor if you feel they treat you like a drug dealer. I'm terrified of them, and the worst thing doctors ever say to me is 'Mr. Oliver, you're 42, and you should no longer need to be bribed with a lollipop to get a flu shot'. But I want one! I want a wowwipop. I've been very brave, give me a wowwipop.
** A clip of some Wanda Sykes stand up plays as an example of racial bias where she talks about how black people do not get prescribed opioids by doctors, only "ibu-fucking-profen". The episode ends with Wanda Sykes coming in, shooing John out of his chair and finishing up he episode. When discussing changes that must be made to inaccurate medical information in the medical field, Wanda proposes a solution to people currently facing medical bias: bring a white man to describe your problems to the doctor, which is shown in an app in which Larry David does that.
* On the segment about Brexit negotiations under Boris Johnson:
** John starts describing Johnson as, "If you want to make one at home, the recipe is simply: Boil one clown."
** When showing a video of Johnson's parliament defeat, a man can be heard shouting in the video "Not a good start, Boris!" At the end of the segment, he states that's a good way of summing it up all.
** John notes that the situation was so chaotic that one report stated that an amendment was passed by accident. He compares that with accidentally shaving Henry Winkler's face into the fur of a moose.
--->'''John:''' What the fuck was happening in your life, that that could happen inadvertently?!
** John plays a clip of the Speaker of the House of Commons John Bercow admonishing one Member of Parliament by yelling at him "Be a good boy!" John muses that "if he's gonna speak to a British lawmaker like he's talking to a dog, I really hope he also speaks to dogs like he's addressing British lawmakers."
--->'''John:''' ''[imitating Bercow]'' Would the Right Honourable gentleman Mr. Waggles please finish licking his ballsack? OR-DEHR! OR-DEHR! Very rude!
** John once again reminds the audience that in the UK, Parliament footage can't be shown on a comedy show, so this time, it is replaced with an Irish Catholic sex ed video from the 1980s, featuring an elder woman being amazed at how God made the vagina, in particular how "slippery" it is.
--->'''John:''' I know, I know: ''Hawt'', right? It's genuinely difficult to decide which part of that is the most sexy: The reference to God, the uninterrupted eye contact, or the absolute dream of hearing her say the word, "slippery". It all works for me, it's all good for me.
** John notes that even Boris's ''own brother'', Jo Johnson, renounced to his government post, stating on Twitter that he was "torn between family loyalty and the national interest", and ending the tweet with "[=#overandout=]". John can't decide which is worse: The man saying that staying with his brother compromised national interest, or ending said statement with a hashtag. John eventually suggests other hashtags featuring combinations of [="#BoJo"=] (one of Boris's nicknames) and [="#JoJo"=], before finishing with just [="#HotterBrotherWiselyAbandonsSloppyIdiot"=]
** John reacts to the exasperated reaction of a bespectacled English commentator with bangs about the issue by saying, "English me is right.[[note]]Keep in mind that John is English already.[[/note]] He missed the memo about losing the bangs, but he's right."
* On Filibusters:
** John shows a clip from ''Film/MrSmithGoesToWashington'' where Creator/JimmyStewart's character is delivering his famous monologue before collapsing. After the clip ends, he dares to do a TakeThat on a SacredCow when it comes to actors:
---> '''John''': He was a bad actor. They were ''all'' pretty bad back then, but he was especially bad.
** John mocks senators for their needlessly long filibusters and the stunts they pull to keep it going:
*** Strom Thurmond debating a civil rights act for 24 hours straight with his aid waiting with a bucket for Thurmond to relieve himself while still on the Senate floor.
*** Rand Paul messily eating candy in his thirteen hour filibuster of Obama's CIA director nominee.
*** Ted Cruz creepily reading ''Literature/GreenEggsAndHam'' in protest against the Affordable Care Act.
---->'''John:''' I do not like that man Ted Cruz. I do not like his far-right views. I do not like his stupid chin. I do not like his smarmy grin. I do not like him with a beard. I do not like him freshly sheared. I do not like Ted Cruz at all. That man Ted Cruz can suck my balls.
* On Legal Immigration:
** John opens the segment by describing immigration as the thing that brought America Albert Einstein, Yo-Yo Ma, and himself. He then notes "And obviously, fuck, marry, [[SelfDeprecation kill, respectively]]".
** A clip showing politicians talking about immigration ends with Ted Cruz. John seamlessly does a CallBack to the ''Green Eggs and Ham'' bit from the previous episode:
--->'''John:''' I do not like that man Ted Cruz. I do not like him in the news. I do not like what he just said. I do not like his boxy head. I do not like him wearing glasses. I do not like him kissing asses. I wish he'd never get one vote. That man Ted Cruz can lick my scrote.
** Also, describing his own show as "Sad [[WesternAnimation/TheLionKing2019 Zazu's]] Mildly Interesting Explain Train" and the RunningGag of Creator/EmilyDickinson's poem about Death having a big, fat dick. (ItMakesSenseInContext.)
** While Trump ranted on "chain migration" and mentioned he wants to cut greencard sponsorships to just spouses and children, it's revealed right after that Melania's parents became naturalized US citizens through their daughter's sponsorship. John points out both the blatant hypocrisy in the situation, as well as Trump's mother in law being only one year older than him.
** John explains the different types of visas people are allowed to come to the US under, including his own, the 0-1 visa, "For persons with extraordinary ability in... arts." The audience cheers him on for it:
--->'''John:''' I know what you're all thinking deep down, and FUCK YOU!
** After detailing how much the Trump administration has slashed the number of refugees allowed to enter the country a year, John jokingly suggests that by 2020 it'll be reduced to one. The hypothetical lone refugee is a young Middle Eastern guy named Zaid. At which point, Trump's new slogan and message used at his rallies will be "Get Rid of Zaid".
* On the impeachment inquiry against Donald Trump (aka Stupid Watergate II)
** When showing a news clip discussing the reason for the impeachment inquiry, the call Trump made to the Ukrainian President asking him to investigate Joe Biden and his son Hunter, and said news clip reporting that Trump insisted eight times on the investigation during the call, John says that "the only time it makes sens to ask for the same thing eight times in a single phone call is if you're trying to connect with the customer service agent for AT&T!"
--->'''John:''' BOOM! I got you, business daddy, I got you! You genuinely bad company!
** John notes how the show used to call Trump's Russia scandal "Stupid Watergate", which means that they had to look for a new name for ''this'' scandal. He notes that they considered "Stupid Watergate II: Look Who's Stupid Now (The Same Guy)", [[Letters2Numbers "S2pid Watergate"]], and "sTWOpid Watergate", before setting on "Stupid Watergate II: The Stupidest Watergate."
** When noting how Trump mentioned both Attorney General William Barr and Trump's personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani on the call, John notes how he mentioned "someone so involved in the government they should be nowhere near this kind of petty dirt" (Attorney General Barr) and "someone so involved in petty dirt they should be nowhere near the government" (Giuliani).
** When noting that the transcripts of the call were stored in a server destined to top secret information, John compares it with having a folder reading "Finance Records", while showing such a folder onscreen. A mouse arrow then appears closing in on the folder, to which John pleads not to click on it. It does, anyway, revealing that the folder contains pictures of hamsters in speedos.
--->'''John:''' OK OK OK, here's what that is: Yes, you have found my collection of hamsters in little speedos; it's not a sex thing... I mean, that is a bit of a sex thing, but we don't have time-- we don't have time to get into it!
** When discussing the President of Ukraine, Volodymyr Zelensky, John notes that he is a comedian who played the President of Ukraine in [[Series/ServantOfThePeople a sitcom]]. But John also mentions an old, less-known comedy routine of his in which he and another guy pretended to play the piano with their penises.
--->'''John:''' Yep, he played the piano with his dick. And just spare a thought for the guy next to him who did that and somehow ''didn't'' get elected President of Ukraine! A few years later he's stuck playing dick music alone in an open mic in the basement of a Chinese restaurant; show business is cruel!
*** The clip is brought back towards the end of the segment, when John is discussing how this scandal is different from previous ones Trump had in the sense that it was relatively easy to understand, comparing it with selling the White House or changing the national anthem to the song Zelensky was playing on the piano.
---->'''John:''' That guy might be a key player in the impeachment of an American President! ''[with a blank expression on his face]'' What a fun time to be alive.
** When John mentions Rudy Giuliani, he once again mentions (much like he did on the episode dedicated to him) that he was once married to his second cousin.
--->'''John:''' Now, is that point strictly relevant here? No, but I would argue that, like Giuliani and his first wife, it is not ''unrelated''.
** John reports how during a phone call with a reporter, Giuliani was reported to say, "It is impossible that the whistleblower is the hero and I'm not. And I will be the hero!" (to which John responds with a sing-song-y "No-you-will-not-be"), before saying that the best case scenario for him is to become one of the participants of ''Series/TheMaskedSinger''.
--->'''John:''' People will briefly not know that you are Rudy Giuliani, and you will nearly be the hero, but eventually you'll have to take your mask off, and then you'll be yourself again for the rest of your life, and it will be fucking terrible.
** John then states that one of the reasons Giuliani is working as Trump's lawyer is because he is going through a divorce, before noting that, according to one of his complaints, his estranged wife took the remote control with her, leaving him limited to using his iPads to watch TV.
--->'''John:''' Because Rudy Giuliani, cybersecurity expert and Donald Trump's lawyer, is seemingly unaware that you can buy new remote controls at Best Buy!
* During the story on compound pharmacies, John notes how these pharmacies will sometimes fill out fake customer prescriptions using the names of celebrities or fictional characters. [[BrickJoke So of course, this comes up again at the end of the episode]], as John puts together a video message from some of those named by the pharmacies in such cases -- Creator/DavidSchwimmer, Method Man, Creator/JimmyKimmel, Creator/{{RuPaul}}, Music/MichaelBolton, Creator/KristenBell as [[Film/ForgettingSarahMarshall Sarah Marshall]], and Creator/KieferSutherland as [[Series/TwentyFour Jack Bauer]] -- taking the pharmacies to task.
** At one point, Sutherland gets really into character as Bauer, threatening to give the pharmacy executives [[JackBauerInterrogationTechnique his trademark]], as the camera slowly zooms in on his face as the lighting darkens around him ominously. And then it smashes back to a freaked out Method Man.
--->'''Method Man:''' ''Jesus Christ.''
** In reaction to a point brought up during the story, that compound pharmacies are also used to make medicine for animals like parrots, Michael Bolton reveals that he loves parrots, and that "Can't Smile Without You" was written about a parrot that left him... for Method Man.
--->'''David Schwimmer:''' ''(looking deeply confused)'' What the fuck?
** Jimmy Kimmel [[RunningGag repeatedly]] claims that he's the best late night show host, and complains about how ''somebody'' keeps winning his Emmys.[[note]]''Last Week Tonight'' has repeatedly won Outstanding Variety Talk Series and Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series at the Emmys.[[/note]]
* On China's One Child Policy:
** John calls a CreepyChild from an old Chinese propganda video reminding people that having more than one child is against the law an effective way from disuading parents from doing so.
--->'''John:''' Congratulations Mrs. Jeong, you gave birth to a healthy little agro narc!
** John's brief explanation of the gender disparity at the beginning of the segment is followed by a clip of "the most miserable place in China.", a village where lonely, single men sulk with nothing to do. The reporter's BrutallyHonest description makes it funnier.
** A birthplanning worker (basically a spy within the work place watching out for potential pregnancies) at a factory is asked if her fellow female workers find her constant questioning about things like their periods and sex life intrusive and if it makes for resentment. The woman confidentaly says no and that the other women are grateful for her concern.
--->'''John:''' If there's anything I know about women, and there definitely isn't, it's that they [[SarcasmMode love to be asked detailed questions about their periods at work!]] Seriously, just go up to a collegue and say, "How do you like that diva cup girlfriend? Do you wear it with a period thong to prevent leakage? And how about that absorbant period toilet paper?
*** Turns out the female writers who wrote the joke told John that one of those things isn't real, only they didn't tell him which one. He guesses it's the diva cup because it "sounds like what Mariah Carrey demands all of her beverages come in."[[note]] It's actually the period toilet paper.[[/note]]
** After showing a clip of a pickup agency training men how to pick-up women, including a man practicing magic tricks, John helpfully explains the trick:
--->'''John:''' At the beginning, the hoop and the chain are separate, and by the end, any woman he's talking to has disappeared.
** The RunningGag of John stating that pandas are hideous, and the reason they're endangered is because they don't want to have sex with each other.
** One of the long term consequences of the one-child policy is a child obesity epidemic due to overindulgence of only children, leading to nicknames like "little meatball". John says it's mean to call a kid that if they don't like it [[CutenessProximity while also gushing over a picture of a chubby little boy,]] [[HypocriticalHumor using the same nickname affectionately.]]
* On Stupid Watergate II update:
** John describes Stupid Watergate II as "the least wanted sequel ever, closely followed by [[TakeThat every]] ''Franchise/PiratesOfTheCaribbean'' [[TakeThat sequel.]]"
** After testimony from United States ambassador to Ukraine Bill Taylor regarding the Trump-Ukraine scandal was described as "the most terrifying day in Congress", John says the last time described as that was the day Orrin Hatch got bangs.
--->'''John:''' I respect you for trying something new, Orrin, but ''absolutely not.''
** After it was reported that Trump's personal attorney Rudy Giuliani had butt-dialed a journalist, leading to the reveal that it was apparently a regular occurence (to the point one said "Everyone has a good Rudy butt dial story"), John wonders how one could butt dial someone on a smartphone, since it would require to unlock the phone, scroll through their contacts and then dial.
* On the Brexit deadline extension:
** John describes Brexit as standing for "'''B'''ad idea, '''R'''eally bad idea, '''EX'''tremely bad '''I'''dea, and '''T'''oodle-doo!"
** John notes that the deadline was initially set for October 31, on Halloween. [[CallBack Demonstrating good memory,]] John considers it the worst thing to be added to Halloween since ''Magazine/{{Playboy}}'' in 2014 released a [[SexyWhateverOutfit "Sexy John Oliver"]] costume.
--->'''John:''' What were you thinking, ''Playboy''?! The original John Oliver is already the sexy one! You're putting a hat on a hat, guys! It's a two-hat situation right there!
*** Made more hilarious in that, just as the uproarious laughter from the audience from showing the model in costume was dying down, someone in the audience did a wolf whistle, which reignited the laughter.
** When UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson said that he would rather be "dead in a ditch" than to ask for a deadline extension for Brexit, John shows [[https://i2-prod.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article9861652.ece/ALTERNATES/s615b/PAY-Boris_Johnson_21_02_17_5.jpg a picture of him in unflattering street clothes,]] saying that his hair, wardrobe and general aesthetic already could be best described as "Big Ditch Energy."
** When it's reported that Johnson eventually had to do an extension request, but did so by sending a note for an extension request that was unsigned, while sending a note saying the exact opposite that ''was'' signed, John ends up going on a tangent about signatures.
--->'''John:''' How are signatures still a thing that matters anyway? We live in an time where actual robots exist, but if you want to make something official you need to write your own name weird. "Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client's name is on the murder confession, but I ask you this: Is it wiggly?"
** John then shows a clip of a MP that showed that the MP hadn't read the withdrawal agreement bill that was up for vote, comparing it with how [[Music/NSync *NSYNC]] not reading their contract before signing it led to their manager stealing millions of dollars from them.
--->'''John:''' But honestly, deal aside, they ''should'' have known not to trust him; I mean, look at that guy, ''[shows a picture of the manager with the band, and does a close-up to him]'' if ''anyone'' is gonna rip you off, ''[[WaxingLyrical ♪ it's gonna be him! ♪]]''
* On Voting Machines:
--> '''John''': Voting. Among other things, it's the only way to get Sean Spicer off ''Series/DancingWithTheStars''. So far, he's danced the red wedding, the "Woody from ''Franchise/ToyStory'' after his third divorce", and this... ''(clip of Spicer in a green shirt dancing with his partner and into a sliding finish)'' ...Cool. He is dressed, and dancing there, like the Chernobyl Musketeer. Please, America, vote this man out of everyone's misery.
* On SLAPP Suits:
** John points out how Bob Murray's lawyers wrote HBO a threatening note about how getting a lawsuit from him would result in the company being "in for the fight of its existence." John takes a moment to assure the audience that as long as HBO is sitting on the ''Series/GameOfThrones'' IP, the company will probably be fine. No sooner has he said this before a brief ThousandYardStare wanders across his face.
** John mentions that Murray attempted to get a gag order forced on HBO, which would have prevented them from rebroadcasting the episode or even having it online. John reassures the audience that the piece is "still on the internet, big time" and links through to http://Stillontheinternetbigtime.com
** When Murray brought the case up to the West Virginia Supreme Court, John realises that one of the judges was Justice Allen Loughry, who the show previously discussed:
---> ''(cuts to an old segment playing Allen Loughry's campaign ad)''
--->'''Loughry:''' Hi, I'm Allen Loughry and I'm running for our Supreme Court. It's Loughry as in Law and Free. ''(words "Law & Free" appear on the screen)'' This is my house, come on in!
--->'''Loughry:''' There's the kitchen, something smells good! ''(an image of chocolate chip cookies appears)''
--->'''Loughry:''' In my family room, my wife Kallie Loughry and my son Justus Loughry ''(word "Justice" appears, then changes to "Justus")'' Yes, Justus Loughry.
--->'''Justus:''' Yes sir!
---> ''(cuts back to John)''
--->'''Past John:''' ''(in a Texan accent)'' Yep! I call my son "Justus", I call my dog "Preamble" and I call my penis "the Gavel"! Vote for me! ''(mimes banging a gavel)'' Boom! Boom!
---> ''(cuts back to the present)''
--->'''John:''' Oopsie! I mean, as far as things to say about a judge before he makes a ruling on your case goes, claiming he calls his penis "the Gavel" is maybe not the best choice! Even though, look at him, he clearly does.
** At the end of the segment, John breaks out into a ''musical number'' about all the horrible things that Bob Murray couldn't have possibly done in order to tell him in so many words to ''go fuck himself'' without allowing him to legally sue them. Midway through the song an HBO lawyer (played by [[Theatre/SomethingRotten Brian]] [[Series/ThirteenReasonsWhy d'Arcy]] [[Film/{{Spotlight}} James]]) comes in and makes John stop... ...[[BaitAndSwitch so he can have a verse all to himself.]]
--->'''Lawyer:''' See ya in court ''fuckface!''
** All the outlandish claims made about Bob Murray by John and all the other back up singers and dancers in the musical, including that he started UsefulNotes/WorldWarI, masturbates to ''Film/SchindlersList'', breaks into people's homes to ejaculate in their Wheaties, is the Zodiac killer, doesn't like Creator/TomHanks, wrote the Macarena and, as elaborated on in step-by-step detail by the above-mentioned lawyer, shoved candy up his asshole in the M&M store and tried to make people eat it. Mr. Nutter Butter also returns, this time singing in a barbershop quartet about how Bob Murray fucks squirrels. John then brags about how Bob cannot sue them because [[RefugeInAudacity the claims are too weird to be considered slander]] and are all jokes.
--->'''John:''' If we discuss Bob Murray in a way that no reasonable person could construe as factual, then we can say whatever the fuck we like!
** All this is even better when one imagines John pitching the musical number to HBO's executives.
* A Stupid Watergate II update:
** John describes it this time as the sequel that could only get worse if it added [[Franchise/StarWars Jar Jar Binks]]. He then claims that Jar Jar Binks is scheduled to testify before Congress next Thursday.
** John notes that Trump supporters have several excuses for the scandal, starting with arguing that nothing happened (complete with Laura Ingraham saying with a straight face "Attempted bribery isn't in the Constitution!"). John sees a problem with that.
--->'''John:''' If you tried to blow up an airliner and your vest doesn't go off, you don't get to go "Well, no harm, no foul" and then sit there watching ''[[Film/PokemonDetectivePikachu Detective Pikachu]]'' for the rest of the flight!
** John notes that the next argument is that it happened, but it was totally fine, showing one Republican county chair that alleges that, saying "Do we want Trump not to be Trump?" John in indignant.
--->'''John:''' [[BluntYes Yes! Yes! So badly!]] I want Trump not to be Trump more than anything else in the world right now! I would take any kind of [[FreakyFridayFlip Freaky Friday situation]]! I would honestly be happy if he switched bodies with a racoon; and honestly, Trump probably would too, he wouldn't have to deal with the impeachment inquiry and he'll get to keep his all-trash diet; it's a win-win!
** John then shows that another argument is that it's too boring to care about.
--->'''Stuart Varney:''' I mean, with UsefulNotes/RichardNixon, there was a break-in; with UsefulNotes/BillClinton, there was sex in the Oval Office, with Trump, it's a phone call, to Ukraine. What the devil is that all about?\\
'''John:''' Oh, I'm ''so'' sorry this ''gigantic'' abuse of power isn't sexy enough for you, ''stupid''. Although, I will say, if robbery and sex are what you want, the Russia scandal had hacked emails and Trump did pay $130,000 to a porn star; do either of those scandals turn your crank, Stu? Pick the Trump scandal you prefer, the beauty is: there's one for everyone!
** Finally, John states that there's people who argue that it's too complicated for people to understand, showing a Fox News contributor who claims to not even know what ''quid pro quo'' means or what language it is from, to which Steve Doocy has to tell him it's Latin.
--->'''John:''' Yes, yes it is Latin. And the only thing there more shocking than the stupidity is that watching someone be accurately corrected by Steve Doocy! A man whose business card reads, and this is true: "An Idiot."
* The Census:
** In the beginning of the segment, John calls the census the only reasonable excuse to let strangers into your home, unless they have candy.
** The show runs an ad from the 80s encouraging people to take part in the census with a very nice song which John compliments. ("Of course, it's no "Eat Shit Bob") but then he snarks about the giant, creepy Mickey Mouse in the ad snorting cocaine.
--->'''John:''' That's a fact! A Disney fact!
** The Disney Fact becomes a running gag throughout the episode.
** Trump is vehemently opposed against the census and makes wild and false claims about the questions that it asks, including the number of toilets you have in your house. A perplexed John replies nobody asks that, but the answer should be four toilets for everyone, "One for pees, one for poops, one for guests, and one for groups."
** John explains how the census asks simple questions, such as your name and the name, number, and relation of the other household members, including babies, which is shown in a 1940s training video of a woman answering those same questions to the census worker visiting her house. The normal video becomes unintentionally, hilariously creepy when the topic of babies comes up, and John and the audience are horrified by the woman's answer.
--->'''Census worker:''' Are there any babies in the house?
--->'''Mrs. [=McGee=]:''' ''(cheerfully)'' No, not anymore!
--->'''John:''' What kind of a weird fucking answer is that?! I'm calling it right now, [[OffingTheOffspring that woman ate her baby!]]
** Another video of a census worker visiting someone's house comes up, only the man answering is extremely hostile to her, refusing to cooperate with her questions, recording the encounter and claiming that there have been cases of census workers coming into people's homes and raping and killing them, which the census worker takes with a calm and collected demeanor. John comes to the woman's defense.
--->'''John:''' Two key things there. One, that census worker seems like a real nice lady who has never killed anyone, and two, [[RageBreakingPoint you are being so obnoxious]] [[BewareTheNiceOnes that I would understand if she was tempted to break that streak.]]
** In the end, John encourages fellow Americans to take part in the upcoming census if not for the country, then just to annoy Trump, adding in to even throw in the number of toilets you have to piss him off some more.
* "Chiijohn" is full of these:
** John misses his friends in Japan, and tries to contact them with a bottled message because it's a more reliable method [[BitingTheHandHumor than calling them on AT&T]].
** To deliver his message, John heads to the docks. He uses all of his physical strength to throw the bottle as far as he can... the camera follows the bottle as it hits the water 2-3 meters from John.
** Upon receiving the message, Chiijohn and Shinjo-kun feel sad for John. [[BaitAndSwitchComment He had AT&T]].
** They pack their stuff and head to a nearby fish shop to say their goodbye to the local fish. The fish respond "we're dead" but wish them luck regardless.
** In the plane, some poor Japanese man gets the middle seat between Chiijohn and Shinjo-kun. According to the voiceover, it's [[NoodleIncident not the first time]] he's gotten stuck between two giant otters on a flight.
** In New York, the two search for John. After some hijinks, a man on a comedy club they found agrees to lead them to "TV's best late show host". [[BaitAndSwitch The two find themselves on the set of]] ''[[Series/LateNight Late Night with Seth Meyers]]'', and figure out Creator/SethMeyers [[SelfDeprecation is too funny and handsome to be John.]]
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Season Eleven (2024)]]
* When covering the Israel-Hamas War, John puts into perspective how utterly ineffectual Biden's private remarks regarding Netenyahu's conduct are:
--> '''John:''' Whoa! Careful there, Joe, what if Bibi ''hears'' you? Nothing shames the guy comfortable with bombing hospitals and refugee camps like knowing that six thousand miles away, an eighty-one year old is muttering PG-13 words under his breath? What's next, is Biden gonna whisper "What a dick" into a seashell and toss it into the ocean?
* John's admission that the thought of watching Trump on [=TV=] for the next year makes him want to "Book a trip on the next [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Titan_submersible_implosion Titan submersible]]."
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Season Five (2018)]]
* The [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrpeEitIEpA trailer]] consists of a Creator/DonLaFontaine-style InAWorld narration that keeps getting interrupted by John reacting to insane headlines on his phone.
-->"...the President's losing a Twitter fight to Music/{{Jewel}}."
-->"ISIS won Powerball? ''Who sold them a ticket!?''"
-->"Where are kittens even getting opioids?"
-->"Oh, he did the accent. It's much more racist if he did the accent."
-->"A chipmunk attacked a synagogue...and he knew it was a synagogue."
-->"Wait, Harambe, again? I literally don't understand how that's possible. [[BackForTheDead Did he come back? And then they got him again?]]...Was the same kid involved?"
** It ends with him getting a text [[DontAskJustRun that just says "RUN!"]]. Nothing actually happens, but he still ends up running around anyway.
* His segment on scandals throughout the world:
-->'''John:''' And now on our final stop on the Tour de Scandal, Israel: the thing that you bring up when all your friends are the same political party, [[AppleOfDiscord but you still want to have an argument]].
* On his episode about [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCjk_NPsIqU Trump vs. The World]]:
** John asks how is Donald Trump handles other nations:
--->'''John:''' How his approach to the world going? And the answer, surprisingly, is great! And now, this!\\
''["And Now This" transition starts before abruptly reversing]''\\
'''John:''' Wait wait wait wait wait! I'm kidding! It's been a fucking disaster! In fact, to give you a sense of how much damage he can do in very little-- ''I can't believe you nearly bought that!''
** The segment ends with John talking about how America has great things and terrible things all mixed together, impossible to separate. If he had to summarize America in one sound, it would be New York City Gay Men's Chorus singing "All Star" by Smash Mouth, which for him is a terrible, stupid song sung in a beautiful manner.
** In another example of how America is both wonderful and awful, he brings up Popeye's Chicken.
--->'''John:''' It's objectively awful, but I would ''RUN ACROSS TRAFFIC'' to eat this shit!
* When John announced that the judge in the court case between the show and Murray Energy was planning to dismiss the case, he says that "Now is not the time for gloating...." followed Mr. Nutterbutter stepping out with a giant sign saying "EAT SHIT, BOB!"
* On his episode about the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdhQzXHYLZ4 Italian Election]]:
** John notes that with the fact that it's Italy's 65th government in over 70 years, so even Italians might have trouble remembering who the leader is. John shows who it is, only to reveal that the picture is just what came up when he searched "Italian Man" in a stock image website.
** When he finds out that one of the political movements in the election organizes Vaffanculo Day, which translates to "Fuck Off" Day, he's very excited, thinking that Hallmark should get in on it, because he has a lot of people to send cards to.
** When it's revealed that a far-right supporter who opened fire and wounded six was a candidate for a local election, John points out that the man received no votes.
--->'''John:''' Not only did his family and friends not vote for him, ''[[EpicFail he didn't even vote for himself]]''! Even if you are a racist, murderous piece of shit, if you run for anything, you should at least get one vote or you're just a fucking idiot!
** At the end of the segment, John notes that the government could still pick a non-politician who has had nothing to do with the campaign, and suggests that he should run. They asked several Italian legal experts, and while they said John couldn't run for Prime Minister of Italy, they also admitted that [[LoopholeAbuse there's no explicit provision that said he couldn't.]]
--->'''John:''' We have ourselves an ''Film/AirBud'' scenario. Remember: The rules of basketball did not explicitly state he couldn't play. Next thing you know, the dog's dunking. Well, I am that dog, Italy, so ''alley-oop, motherfuckers!''
** He then goes on to state he is not so different from the other politicians running in Italy. There was a party started by a comedian, and [[SelfDeprecation he considers himself a comedian by technicality]]; there are politicians that appear on TV with live animals, which he's done several times; and for candidates who appeared as contestants on Italian game shows, he admits he hasn't done that, but considering all the false news that have gone on, he sees no reason why he shouldn't lie and say he has, showing fake footage of him on the Italian version of ''Wheel of Fortune'', and making a ridiculous mistake which results in everyone including the host booing him (in reference to the exact same thing happening to one of the candidates who was a contestant).
--->'''John:''' Why did I go to the trouble of faking a game show in which I lost? I think deep down, it's just who I am.
** Screwing up the accompanying photo of Silvio Berlusconi by "accidentally" showing HPV and then a condom filled with marinara sauce.
* When he says that Jared Kushner's behavior is not as different from Donald Trump, he notes that the difference between them is that one has electrifying sexual chemistry with Ivanka Trump...[[BaitAndSwitchComparison and the other is Jared Kushner]].
* On his episode about [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEcbagW4O-s NRA TV]]:
** After showing news segments noting that NRA TV is carried by Amazon, Apple, [[TheRuntAtTheEnd and Roku]], John notes how Roku must be thrilled to be put on the same level of major streaming services of Amazon and Apple.
** When looking over the show ''Love At First Shot'', he is baffled at the absurdity of some of the show's moments.
--->'''John:''' "A light poof of happiness?" It's a little weird to describe a semi-automatic rifle the way Bob Ross describes a fucking cloud!
** Another is from their favorite moment of the show. Where two of the women shoot containers of paint over a canvas to give to the pregnant host to hang in their nursery.
--->'''John:''' Yeah. They shot paint. So when somebody inevitably asks why you have what appears to be a blank canvas with a large bloodstain hanging up in your child's nursery, you'll be able to completely reassure them by saying "Oh yeah, my friend shot that for me!"
** They look over the commercials, which have a vaguely threatening tone over calming imagery. One example is how they portray marijuana, calling it a prostitute.
--->'''John:''' I didn't think this was possible, but I think that guy just ''slut-shamed marijuana''. And don't get me started on mushrooms, those filthy tramps! They'll grow next to anything! Whores with spores, that's what I call them!"
** Parodied at the end with a fake commercial making muffins sound absolutely terrifying, paid for by the National Pancake Council.
** At one point they show an NRA ad featuring a TV showing news clips critical to the organization and Donald Trump, including ''Last Week Tonight'' itself, before a man smashes the TV with a sledgehammer. At the end of the episode, the camera pulls back to reveal a TV similar to the ad, and John, dressed like the man in the ad, proceeds to smash the TV with a sledgehammer too.
** In relation to this, the original NRA ad where a television gets smashed prompts John to dryly comment, "If NRA members are annoyed with what I'm saying right now, they should do the exact same thing, and smash their expensive televisions with large sledgehammers. Are you listening, NRA members? Destroy your own property. [[SarcasmMode It's a really good idea, and it's honestly the only way we'll learn."]]
* On his episode about [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6iDZspbRMg cryptocurrency]]:
** John says that for most people, bitcoin was only talked about by the one guy in the office who wouldn't shut up about it. He decides to name this hypothetical person "Dan", because that's the name of the person who's been talking about it, showing pictures of the writer, Dan Gurewitch, who John constantly berates throughout the segment.
** John finds out that companies that added "blockchain" to their name saw their stock increase threefold, so he decides to rename the show to "Last Bit Tonight with Block Chainiver".
** John starts to list the ridiculous names of cryptocurrencies, such as Titcoin, [=DeepOnion=], and Clams.
--->'''John:''' A list so insane, you can't tell which ones are real, and which I made up, because they're all real, I didn't make any up! I tried to come up with a dumber name than [=DeepOnion=], and it just can't be done!
* On the poisoning of Russian spy Sergei Skripal and the 2018 Russian presidential election:
** John points out that the United States and much of Europe agree on blaming Russia for the poisoning, which John thinks it's incredible, because "we can't even get the world to agree on a single shape of electrical outlets," while showing several types of shapes.
--->'''John:''' What the fuck is [[https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/8e/Australian_Dual_Socket_Outlet.jpg that one]], by the way? It looks like I'm plugging my laptop into the killer from ''Film/{{Scream}}''.
** John notes that the Russian government [[NotHelpingYourCase hasn't done much to dissuade the allegations]], noting what a news anchor for Kremlin-controlled Channel One Russia said:
--->'''Russian news anchor:''' If you're a professional traitor, my advice is don't move to England, something's not right there, the climate perhaps, but too many things go on there; people are hanged, poisoned, helicopter crashes or they fall out of windows.\\
'''John:''' It's not every day that you hear a news anchor sound ''exactly'' like a mob boss. ''[in Russian accent]'' "Breaking news: [[ShameIfSomethingHappened It would be real shame if wise guy who thinks he can make fun of us has terrible thing happen to him]], maybe fall out of poisoned window into helicopter blade, or maybe ''he keep his fucking mouth shut''; here's Linda with the weather."
** John jokingly reveals that the winner of the Russian election was Hillary Clinton, which prompts a showering of balloons while Rachel Platten's "Fight Song" plays. Then John admits he was kidding and states that the actual winner was "the poison guy."
** John resuming the reasons why the three potential candidates who might have had the best chance against Putin didn't make it to the ballot as them getting "Fucked, ''H''arried, and Killed" respectively.[[note]]Alexei Nalvany was barred from running due to what he says are politically-motivated embezzlement charges, Garry Kasparov fled the country saying that he fears political persecution, and Boris Nemstov was shot dead in 2015.[[/note]]
** When watching a music video of Russian women praising Putin, John responds [[RunningGag with his usual sarcastic utterance of "cool"]], except he does it in Russian.
* On his episode on [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs2RlZQVXBU Mike Pence]]:
** John shows a news segment where Donald Trump once joked about how Pence wants to hang all homosexuals, John responds that jokes like that only work when the premise behind it is true, like [[StockJokes bad airline food, bad breakups,]] and people from Toronto being terrified of hard-boiled eggs.
** At the beginning of the segment, [[TheOneThingIDontHateAboutYou John said that there was one positive thing that he would say about Pence]], which he later reveals is the fact that he actually likes Pence's pet rabbit, [[Creator/MarlonBrando Marlon Bundo]] (which John even says is [[AwesomeMcCoolname an objectively good name for a bunny]]).
--->'''John:''' The point is Marlon Bundo is the most likable thing of an otherwise unlikable man, like how UsefulNotes/GeorgeWBush is a perfectly fine painter, or Creator/BillCosby raised American's awareness of pudding, or how Roger Ailes [[CrossesTheLineTwice is dead]].
** John then reveals that the rabbit has a book about it to be released shortly after this episode is released, so the staff made [[Literature/ADayInTheLifeOfMarlonBundo a book]] making the rabbit gay and releasing it before the other book Pence is planning on releasing.
--->'''John:''' And let me be completely clear about this: This is actually a book for children! This is a real children's book. This isn't some adult book telling Mike Pence to go fuck himself. Although in buying it, that's exactly what you would be doing!
** The book quickly became much more popular than Pence's. In Amazon, Pence's book is currently at 15th place on sales with a few reviews, while John's book was a smash hit and has received universal acclaim, to the point where many 1-star ratings are just people praising the book to discredit anyone who tries to one-star it for having a [[MoralGuardians gay rabbit]]. You know you've done something amazing when the review-trolls are on ''your'' side. ([[HateDumb Although some fans did bash Pence's book in Amazon merely for existing]], but Amazon now requires an actual purchase before it can be reviewed. Apparently it isn't a bad book, it's just that John's is better.)
** One of the people who've praised the book might surprise you; Charlotte Pence, the daughter of Mike Pence and the writer of Pence's book loves it, fully supports the charities, and has posted a picture of Marlon Bundo wearing the same bowtie LWT's Bundo wears. [[ApprovalOfGod Even Bundo's own social media accounts have praised the book]]!
* When talking about the Egypt presidential election, he reveals the winner is Hilary Clinton, leading to another showering of balloons and playing "Fight Song", only to reveal that, again, he's just kidding, and he just loves messing with the audience.
* On his episode on [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fB0GBwJ2QA immigration courts]]:
** John states that children with an immigration dispute having to represent themselves in immigration court to determine their nationality despite being underage is perfectly legals. He shows a Website/YouTube series done by an immigration lawyer who interviewed children about their immigration status. It is comedy gold.
*** The first one:
---->'''Interviewer:''' And do you speak English as your native language?\\
'''Child #1:''' Yeah. I like my balloon!\\
'''Interviewer:''' I like your balloon too. What is your best language?\\
'''Child #1:''' I placed a tie over fairies to [[EvenTheSubtitlerIsStumped ??????]] blue.\\
'''Interviewer:''' Where were you born?\\
'''Child #1:''' I... I... I... I... I... It was mommy and [[EvenTheSubtitlerIsStumped (Cheech?)]]\\
'''Interviewer:''' So do you feel like you can go ahead and represent yourself in immigration court to determine your nationality?\\
'''Child #1:''' Uh huh.\\
'''Interviewer:''' Alright, are you excited to do it?\\
'''Child #1:''' ''(excited)'' Yeah!
*** And the second one:
---->'''Interviewer:''' If you were removed, would you like to designate a country of removal?\\
'''Child #2:''' Yeah.\\
'''Interviewer:''' Okay, what country would that be?\\
''(ten full seconds of silence)''\\
'''Child #2:''' Pizza.\\
'''John:''' Yeah! Oh yeah, you laugh now, but it won't be so cute when that girl is deported back to Papa Johns, because it's technically pizza and that is ''exactly'' why these children need lawyers!
** The above leads to ''Tot Bench'', a parody of judge talk shows where the cast are all 3-4 year olds with the exception of the defendant, Creator/HJonBenjamin, [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe who is understandably miffed at the sight of it.]]
--->'''Defendant:''' Do you even know my name?\\
'''Stenographer:''' Creator/DavidSchwimmer!\\
'''Defendant:''' How do you even know who David Schwimmer is?\\
'''Stenographer:''' ''[[Film/HacksawRidge Hacksaw Wige]]''!\\
'''Defendant:''' David Schwimmer was not even in ''Hacksaw Ridge''...

--->'''Defendant:''' How did you become a judge?\\
'''Judge:''' I believed in myself to be a judge.\\
'''Defendant:''' And how long have you been doing this?\\
'''Judge:''' Fourteen years.\\
'''Defendant:''' [[LogicBomb You've been a judge fourteen years but you're four?]]\\
'''Judge:''' [[BluntYes Uh, yeah!]]
** Eventually the defendant gets fed up with the toddlers' antics and pleads guilty.
* On his episode on [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NNpkv3Us1I Crisis Pregnancy Centers]]:
** How he introduces his main segment (similar to how he introduced the first time they handled abortion as a topic)...
--->'''John:''' Pornography: Some people believe that it should be available and accessible without stigma, others think "Well, it's not for me, but it's fine for other people in certain situations", and a few people think it should be banned completely. Oh, did I say pornography? Sorry, I meant abortion.
** John is horrified when Barbara Beavers, founder of one of the [=CPCs=], insists that women are meant to die for their children.
--->'''John:''' Holy shit! Let me be perfectly clear here, Barbara, the only females made to die for their babies are Pacific Salmon. They lay thousands of eggs and then die after spawning. You're welcome! Tune in next week for more of ''Johnny O's Fish Facts, Wildlife Wonders, and Abortion''!
** John notes that women would often go to a nearby CPC instead of the abortion clinic, so to make it clearer, they painted the ramp outside their door yellow, which he compares to ''Film/TheWizardOfOz''.
--->'''John:''' Which is actually appropriate, because that movie, too, involves a young woman getting stopped several times by idiots bothering her with their own fucking issues as she just tries to get where she needs to fucking go!
** [=CPCs=] can spout some statements about abortion that are just BlatantLies, one of which is if a person dies due to an abortion, they will find parts of the fetus in the lungs or heart.
--->'''John:''' [[SarcasmMode Oh yeah, that happens a lot of times, doesn't it?]] Which is why you're so often reading the obituaries and see "Sarah Mitchell passed away last week at the age of 34, after she got baby dicked right in the heart."
** The ultrasounds at [=CPCs=] sometimes have messages intended to get an emotional reaction from the parents, such as "Hi, Mommy and Daddy". John suggest more creative messages if they're going to make unrequested messages, like "I'm totally pooping in here", "I ate my twin", and "Please don't put this on Facebook, everyone hates that".
** John reveals how easy it is for anyone to set up a CPC, [[CallBack much like his founding of "Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption"]], he decides to make his own and bring back his "wife", Wanda Jo, going around in a van called [[{{Pun}} Vanned Parenthood]], where they are legally able to say anything they want about abortions, like abortions will make a ghost baby to haunt them forever, will turn their breast milk to kombucha, and after an abortion, the vagina will seal up like an Egyptian tomb. Wanda Jo then reveals that she's not legally required to have any training to use an ultrasound machine, and to demonstrate, she uses it to show that John's pregnant.
* On his episode about [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKjk0ECXjiQ Corporate Taxes]]:
** John introduces the segment stating that most people's concerns about the tax system can be summed up by a Instagram video by Music/CardiB:
--->'''Cardi B:''' You know that the government is taking 40% of my taxes, and Uncle Sam, I want to know what you're doing with my fucking tax money. ''What are y'all niggas doin' with my fucking money?! What is up y'all with my fucking money?!'' I want to know, I want receipts, I want everything! ''[[[MotorMouth starts repeating it very fast until it becomes unintelligible]]]''\\
'''John:''' Well Cardi, if you want to know where your money is going, may I present to you the recently passed omnibus spending package, because it turns out Cardi, [[WhatHaveYouDoneForMeLately your fucking money goes to Your Fuckin' Military, Your Fuckin' Health Care, and Your Fuckin' Social Security and Veteran and Unemployement Benefits]]; everything else is just some fuckin' discretionary shit, and of course, interest.
** A lawyer named John Carol Jr. came up with an idea to move US companies offshore to avoid paying taxes, and to celebrate, his firm celebrated by hosting an opera in his apartment, celebrating about never paying taxes.
--->'''Opera Singer:''' ♫ ''The Feds will be screaming / But you will be beaming / 'Cause we'll never pay taxes again'' ♫\\
'''John:''' Wow, we may have just found the only musical resistant to [[ColorblindCasting race-blind casting]]. You can't go ''Theatre/{{Hamilton}}'' on this one, because those people ''really'' have to be white.
** Tim Cook, Apple's CEO, claims to not be stashing their funds on some Caribbean island, which John admits is technically correct: They put the money in Ireland and Jersey, which are not in the Caribbean.
--->'''John:''' Although, when you really look at it, you could almost mistake it for the Caribbean, if you squint a little, drink nine pints of beer, and hold up a picture of the Caribbean in front of it.
** Google, however, puts its intellectual property into Ireland, the Netherlands, and Bermuda, a technique which has the name of the "Double Irish with a Dutch Sandwich" which John thinks would be the name of the most disgusting sex act, or a more disgusting Waffle House item, claiming it's when someone opens up a baked potato, farts in it, and then closes it back up. This becomes a BrickJoke at the end of the segment, when John offers the companies a Double Irish with a Dutch Sandwich for them to enjoy.
* When talking about how the last remaining Blockbusters in Alaska would need something to draw customers in, he brings up Creator/RussellCrowe's auction of props and costumes from movies he's been in, which he briefly talked about on his Mike Pence episode. John is shocked that the leather jockstrap he wore in ''Film/CinderellaMan'' that was expected to sell for $500 sold for ''$7000'', leaving people to speculate that it was the ''Last Week Tonight'' team that bought it. John reveals that they weren't the ones that bought the jockstrap...except they were, though, showing off the new purchase. John then tells the audience that they didn't buy anything else from the auction...except they did, though. He then goes around displaying the new Russell Crowe stuff, offering it to the Alaskan Blockbusters, and if they don't want it, he knows a transportation museum in Scranton that would be open to making a new exhibit.
* On his episode about [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xnZ_CeTqyM the Iran Deal]]:
** John shows a real-life commercial meant to criticize the Iran Nuclear Deal which involved a normal family sitting down to dinner only to be vaporized by a nuclear bomb mid-conversation. John's reaction.
--->'''John:''' Wow! That is a hostile way to make your point. There is only ''one ad'' that you can completely justify being interrupted by a nuclear explosion and it is this one.\\
(''[[TakeThat Cut to Kars-4-Kids Commercial]]'')\\
'''Kars-4-Kids Singer:''' ♫ 1-877-Kars-4-Kids, K-A-R- ♫\\
('''BOOM''' ''then smash cut to the word'' '''ENOUGH''')\\
'''John:''' [[AndThereWasMuchRejoicing Good.]] ''Good.'' [[CrossesTheLineTwice I'm glad those children are dead.]]
** John explaining that not renewing the Iran Nuclear Deal in May because you're afraid Iran will be closer to developing a nuclear bomb in 10 years is nonsensical since cancelling the deal immediately means they'll be able to start making a nuclear bomb "right now, in zero years." John then points out the little known fact that [[CaptainObvious 0 is less than 10.]]
--->'''John:''' Trust us! We ran the numbers on this ourselves! I spent a week at Cambridge speaking with the Lucasian Chair of Mathematics, Michael Cates, and I feel virtually certain ''zero is less than ten!'' Also you should note, before the deal, Iran had enough enriched uranium to eventually create eight to ten bombs. Which, remember, they gave up. Meaning they currently have enough for zero bombs. Which again, is less than ten! I cannot stress enough, the extent that zero is less than ten! We have to agree on that, or we're all fucked!
** To try to find some way to reach out to Trump and tell him to keep the Iran Deal going, John bought ad time on Sean Hannity's show. The commercial is a parody of the one against the Deal, showing a happy family sitting down to dinner, only to be interrupted by... [[BaitAndSwitch the Catheter Cowboy]], who then tries to convince Trump to keep the deal going by pointing out [[RunningGag 0 is less than 10]], he shouldn't listen to John Bolton because of his silly-looking mustache, and then he and the family blow up anyway because the mom forgot she left the stove on.
--->'''John:''' That ad is going to confuse a lot of people.
* When a news reporter says that the newest candidate for the West Virginia senate has recently been released from prison. John reveals the candidate is O.J. Simpson. And like the fake reveals that Hillary Clinton won an election, there's another showering of balloons while "Fight Song" plays.
* On his episode on [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXQuto1fMp4 Rudy Giuliani]]
** When John recaps Giuliani's popularity in the aftermath of 9/11, he notes that it included a MadeForTVMovie about his life where he was played by Creator/JamesWoods. He then shows a clip of the film, where Woods-as-Giuliani is having a political conversation ("Democrats always talk about things getting better, Republicans did whatever they could to ''make'' them better"), then it ''somehow'' transitions into Woods-as-Giuliani kissing his wife:
---> '''John:''' ''[[SarcasmMode Hawt.]]'' Right? Right? I mean, come on. Who ''wouldn't'' want to watch James Woods and the lady from ''Film/KindergartenCop'' trade Republican-themed pillow talk on a green screen beach before exchanging the most sexless kiss in the history of film? How did that not win all of the awards?
** John notes that, at the beginning of Giuliani's career as a federal prosecutor, he engaged in such stunts as going undercover as a Hells Angel to buy crack, but after showing a picture of him, John claims that he looks less like a street junkie and more like "the third best member of an all-dad blues band called Dad to the Bone."
** John makes several jokes after revealing that Giuliani's first marriage [[KissingCousins was to his second cousin]].
*** When Giuliani claims that they didn't know about their familial relations until years into their marriage...
---->'''John:''' Oh ''bull''-shit! He didn't think it was just a little bit weird at the wedding ceremony when one side of the church was both families, and the other was just one very nervous photographer who didn't take a single picture?!
*** When Giuliani publicly announced he had planned to divorce his second wife without giving her any prior warning...
---->'''John:''' That is just about the most humiliating way possible to end a marriage other than announcing publicly, "Whoopsie! I boned my cousin!"
*** When comparing Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani, John notes that both of them are attracted to Ivanka, which is weird for Donald because Ivanka is in his family, and weird for Rudy because she isn't.
** John plays a audio recording of Giuliani insulting someone for wanting to own ferrets in New York. Then we get to see the ferret owner, and John reluctantly takes Giuliani's side.
** John can't believe that in ten years, Giuliani went from Time Magazine's Person of the Year, to hosting a Mob Movie weekend on Creator/{{AMC}}.
--->'''John:''' That would be like if in ten years from now, Bravo announced a ''Fuck Boys of the '90s Marathon'' hosted by Malala Yousafzai! "How the fuck did that happen!? What did I miss? Clearly, a significant amount of goodwill has somehow been squandered!"
** John decides to buy the names to several sites in response to Giuliani's actions. Going to http://hillaryclintonillness.com/ (in reference to Giuliani being one of the people who spread the conspiracy theory that Hillary Clinton had a grave illness during the 2016 Presidential campaign[[note]]she had this heinous illness known as "a cold"[[/note]]) leads a video of two ferrets having sex, http://giuliani-security.com (in reference to Giuliani's private security company) leads to two ferrets that are cousins ''not'' having sex, and finally, http://giuliani2024.com (in reference to John noting Giuliani's similarities to Donald Trump, then adding that the only thing missing is Giuliani becoming President) leads to a ferret dancing and double-FlippingTheBird.
* In the update about John buying Russell Crowe's jock strap and other assorted film memorabilia:
** It turns out Crowe put that money to good use by donating it to the care of chlamydia-stricken koalas in Australia. The Australian Zoo (run by the Irwins) even made a plaque naming it "The John Oliver Koala Chlamydia Ward" in honor to John.
--->'''John:''' [[ActuallyPrettyFunny Well played, Russell Crowe]]. Well played, indeed. That may honestly be the greatest thing I've ever seen.
** John reveals that his goal all along for the show was to get a koala chlamydia ward, [[SeriesFauxnale decides to finally shut the whole show down]]. He packs up his things and the set gets deconstructed.
--->'''John:''' I know you may be asking at this point "But John, wasn't making four-and-a-half seasons of aggressively researched comedy a fairly inefficient way of getting a koala chlamydia ward named after you?" And to that I answer, "Well, I mean, it worked, so I guess...Fuck you? I guess?"
* A week later, the show airs as usual. Why are they back even though John shut the show down?
-->'''John:''' First, HBO contracts are a little harder to get out of than I originally thought, and second, ''these horny little fuckers are not as cute as you'd expect!'' They are nasty, they're mean, they're not technically bears, and all they kept asking was whether or not I knew James Corden and I don't! I don't know him! But I hear terrible things! So unfortunately for everybody, this show must continue, and we begin tonight with the Trump White House: The only home in America where the next occupant will have to ask "What's the best way to get cum stains out of [[UsefulNotes/AbrahamLincoln Abe Lincoln's]] ghost?" Now-\\
''[audience groans]''\\
'''John:''' [[RefugeInAudacity Yeah, WE'RE BACK!]]
* John talks about the controversy of one Trump White House aide who dismissed Senator John [=McCain's=] criticism of Donald Trump because "he's dying anyway" ([=McCain=] was diagnosed with brain cancer), stating that these days, [[SeenItAll it's not really surprising]].
-->'''John:''' "Trump aide says something awful" isn't really news, it's just an assumed fact, like gravity, or the fact that ''Series/YoungSheldon'' will someday grow up and look nothing like Jim Parsons, and then ''all hell will break loose because the world can't handle an inconsistency like that!''
* On Michael Cohen's Essential Consultants LLC:
** John starts explaining how Michael Cohen used an LLC called Essential Consultants for an array of business activities, including selling access to Trump, by stating that he thought that one gained access to Trump by [[Film/WillyWonkaAndTheChocolateFactory finding a golden ticket in a MAGA hat.]]
--->'''John:''' Don't fall into the river of gravy, little Charlie, or you'll never be the next owner of the racism factory!
** John notes that the name "Essential Consultants" is a total NonIndicativeName, because Cohen [[TakeThat is not essential]], is not a consultant, and was the only person in the company, meaning that even the "s" in "Consultants" was misleading.
** John notes that he finds odd that Cohen's sales pitch involving his knowledge about Trump, stating that lawyers usually don't pitch themselves by offering info about their other clients.
--->'''John:''' It's like a doctor saying, "If you hire me, I'll tell you about all of Larry King's birthmarks." First, you're not supposed to be sharing that information. Second, ''EWWW! EWWW!''
** The best part comes when John lists the companies that actually did paid Cohen, culminating with AT&T, the company that is trying to buy Time Warner, the parent company of the show's channel HBO, especially when AT&T later admitted the deal stating that it was to "better understand the president's thinking."
--->'''John:''' That is just ridiculous, because if you want to understand this president's thinking, simply have a donkey kick you in the head five times, and then watch Fox News for 72 hours straight. That'll give you a pretty good idea of what's going on in his mind.
* On his episode on [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYfgvS0FA7U Venezuela]]
** John warns not to confuse Venezuela con "Benezela", a celebrity couple that's just Creator/BenAffleck fucking a vuvuzela.
** John notes that Venezuela is famous for giving the world seven Miss Universes and six Miss Worlds, "and of course, most importantly, one Wilmer Valderrama, who I like to think of as the Miss Universe of ''Series/That70sShow''."
** John warns that this main story is not going to a pleasant topic like "Slippers", "Everything Looks Okay at the Pudding Factory", or "A Genocide, [[SugarApocalypse But It's Only Happening to Balloon Animals]]".
** John notes that conservative media has used the crisis in Venezuela as "proof" of the inevitable consequence of a socialist government, showing as an example a reporter from [=InfoWars=] who was pretty transparent in trying to get someone they were interviewing, a Bernie Sanders supporter, to bash socialist reforms in America because it failed in Venezuela, but the interviewee was completely disinterested. After a couple attempts to goad her, the interviewee dryly told the interviewer, "You people have, like, worms in your brain. Honestly."
---> '''John:''' Now, that is not great news for that [=InfoWars=] reporter. She essentially just got served by Sassy Popeye.[[note]]The interviewee had what looked like a SailorFuku[[/note]] But what you have there is a nice distillation of the current level of political discourse in America: Two people who don't really know what they're talking about, condescending to each other nonsensically, until one of them lands a sick burn.
** John notes that the protests in Venezuela had resorted to what has become known as "Poo-poo-tov cocktails", jars filled with human feces.
--->'''John:''' Yes, "Poo-poo-tov cocktails", named of course after the Soviet premier Vyacheslav Poopootov, who was infamous for pooping in jars and throwing them at people, little bit of history for you there.
** John makes several jokes about the fact that the picture they use as reference for Nicolás Maduro is one of him opening his mouth wide to eat a banana.
--->'''John:''' Current president Nicolás Maduro, seen here ''[[EroticEating absolutely going to town]]'' on a 'nana.

--->'''John:''' Despite all [the crisis], Maduro is about to dominate this election like he absolutely dominated that banana.
** When discussing how Maduro's predecessor Hugo Chávez is still popular in the country, John shows a clip that brings up the [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chávez_eyes Chávez eyes]] imagery, culminating with a man who had the design tattooed to his forehead.
--->'''John:''' Now that's dedication right there. "I like my President so much I want him to watch me masturbate for the rest of my life." Because that's what those eyes are going to see. They'll see other things, but ''[looks up and down to his crotch]'' they're also seeing that.
** John is amused by Maduro's claim that the spirit of Hugo Chávez talked to him as a bird, mostly because it's a very humiliating reincarnation.
--->'''John:''' Now, what I like the most about that other than the whistling, which I like very much, is the idea that when powerful leaders die, they become birds, because that is a pretty humiliating second act. "I led my people to greatness, and now I will barf my lunch into my child's mouth and fly into a glass window."
** As proof that Maduro is not as popular as Chávez, John shows a TV appearance where Maduro was reading messages from the viewers on air.
--->'''Nicolás Maduro:''' [A viewer] tells me: "Nicolás Maduro: Suck on it." ''[{{beat}}]'' You suck on your own. ''[{{beat}}]'' You can suck yourself.\\
'''John:''' Yes, that's right, Maduro essentially appeared on a segment of [[Series/JimmyKimmelLive Celebrities Read Mean Tweets]] completely by accident!
** Venezuelans refer to their weight loss due to the food shortage as the "Maduro Diet". John says that it's a "healthy-sounding term for a truly horrifying situation."
--->'''John:''' It's like saying UsefulNotes/JimJones was the pioneer of the [[DrinkingTheKoolAid Jonestown Juice Cleanse]].
** John notes that at one point, Maduro got the "Maduro Diet" term thrown at him, which he tries to spin saying that it "makes you hard! No need for Viagra!" John is appalled.
--->'''John:''' That is the most awkward presidential attempt to be "in on the joke" since UsefulNotes/HerbertHoover claimed that [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hooverville Hoovertowns]] make you wet without the need of cornmeal or castor oil. They didn't totally understand how vaginas worked back then.
** In order to solve the hunger problem, the Venezuelan government proposed a plan to breed and eat rabbits. Instead, many people decided to keep them as pets. The government then made a "pretty callous" correction by saying a rabbit is two-and-a-half kilos of meat, which John says would be more fitting for a tank-top Marlon Bundo would wear in his clubbing days.
** Maduro blames the United States as conspiring to ruin Venezuela. While John admits that America was responsible for awful things in Central and South America, despite all that, [[NotMeThisTime America is not responsible for what is happening in Venezuela]].
--->'''John:''' Accusing America of creating Venezuela's crisis is about as fair as accusing O. J. Simpson of murdering Princess Diana. I'm not saying it would be completely out of character, it just happens to not be true in this particular instance!
** John notes how Maduro, when his party lost control of the [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Assembly_(Venezuela) National Assembly]] stacked the Supreme Court with new Justices, and then simply created a whole new [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2017_Constituent_National_Assembly Assembly]] that superseded it, which included his wife and his son.
--->'''John:''' Just think of the sheer scale of what Maduro did there. That would be like, if here, Trump put a bunch of his friends on the Supreme Court, who then happily allowed him to create a second Congress that outranks the real Congress, and its members include Melania and Eric, and which, by the way, you just know he'd call Don-gress. You know he would do that! You know it! And please take it down before he gets any ideas, I already regret bringing it up.
** At the end of his episode, John decides that there's only one way for his message to reach Nicolás Maduro, a bird. And so he gets Wilmer Valderrama in a bird costume to speak.
--->'''Wilmer:''' And if you're thinking this is just Wilmer Valderrama in a bird suit, well you used to think I was Hugo Chávez so, you're not exactly the authority on what's birds.
** At one point, John demonstrates how out of touch Maduro is with all the people starving in his country by playing a clip of him addressing Venezuela and pausing partway through his speech to eat an empanada. [[BrickJoke Later]], when Wilmer Valderrama is out in his bird costume, he makes a comment directed towards John, who is revealed to likewise be eating an empanada.
--->'''Wilmer:''' Maduro, the whole world can see what mess you are making, even TV hosts here in America, like that idiot.\\
'''John:''' ''[with a mouthful of empanada]'' I was just having a little snack.\\
'''Wilmer:''' Bad timing, [[WesternAnimation/TheLionKing2019 Zazu.]]
* When talking about the royal wedding, John plays a clip from CBS where Gayle King, where she's confused about all the fuss about Meghan Markle's bottom.
-->'''John''': You know what? That's fair, Gayle, that's actually fair. We British people are not exactly known for our taste in butts. The actual Sir Mix-A-Lot was a 16th century [[RoyallyScrewedUp nobleman so inbred]], that when a girl walked in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in his face he just sneezed out of his elbow and died.
* On his episode on [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWQiXv0sn9Y Rehab]]:
** John starts off talking about how until recently, addiction to drugs or alcohol was seen as something that could be overcome by sheer willpower alone. To emphasize his point, he shows a commercial from the 80's starring Belinda Carlisle in the Rock Against Drugs (R.A.D.) campaign. At the end of the commercial, John has his hand doing the devil's horns, saying "Rad" in a sarcastic tone. He also points out that Carlisle admitted to using cocaine for another two decades after making that commercial.
** The rehab industry has seen an epidemic of overdose deaths, to the point where one local official says to "Stop sending your loved ones to South Florida, because we're sending them back in body bags". John admits it's horrible, but not an inaccurate tourism slogan for Florida.
** One researcher found that most rehab centers boast impressive success rates, only going as low as 80%, but had no scientific data to back up their claims. John suggests that they might as well go further if they're going to make such impressive claims.
--->'''John:''' Why even stop at 80%? Why not say you have a 140% success rate? "For every ten people that come into our facility, fourteen emerge completely sober! Where did those extra four people come from? We have no idea! That's how good we are!"
** John follows up by saying that most of the data is self-reported, mostly coming by calling the former clients.
--->'''John:''' It can be hard to admit that you've relapsed. Plus it's a phone call, so you'll say whatever it takes to make it end. Cause getting sober may be hard, but nothing is harder than an eight-minute phone call with another human being.
** During an interview with Cliffside Malibu's founder, Richard Taite realizes that he has no idea where the patients are, saying that wherever they are, there's a "therapeutic meaning behind it".
--->'''John:''' [[SarcasmMode Good save, bro.]] Cause you were in trouble for a minute there but the "therapeutic meaning" line was absolutely inspired! Because the truth is, anything can have a therapeutic meaning! His patients are stroking horses? That could be therapeutic! They're biting owls? That could be therapeutic! Even the act of them being lost could be therapeutic! It's called "inadvertent wilderness therapy", and it's 140% successful!
** The cycle of admission, relapse, readmission, and relapse, in which a patient is milked for their insurance in rehab centers until they die, is called "The Florida Shuffle", which is more horrific than John's initial idea of what that could've been, which was a party where everyone throws their keys into a bowl and goes home to fuck their neighbor's alligator.
* On the Royal Expert:
** It turns out that the Royal Expert, Thomas J. Mace-Archer-Mills, Esq. is actually a New Yorker named Tommy Muscatello, John compares it to a British person pretending to be American by using the name Jefferson Budweiser [=McNuggets=] Jr.
** He apparently has an agreement with two, unrelated, elderly British people to call them his grandparents.
--->'''John:''' He went to Europe, met an old lady, asked her to be his grandmother, and now he knows all about the monarchy. And if that sounds at all familiar to you, it's cause it's literally the exact backstory of [[Literature/{{Babar}} Babar the Elephant]]!
** John calls Tommy's plot lazy, and suggests a better way to trick everyone with a much more favorable endgame.
--->'''John:''' If you really want to pull the wool over people's eyes...get a spot on ''Series/{{The Daily Show|WithJonStewart}}'', bide your time, perfect your stupid fake accent, and eventually land your own weekly program on HBO! ''Ooh, have I said too much!?''
* On his episode about [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nG2pEffLEJo court-appointed guardians]]:
** John gives a basic rundown on how guardianship works, and that it's great if it works, but acknowledges that since it's their main segment, it is not always the case.
--->'''John:''' That's simply not what we do on ''I Just Wanted to Watch a Comedy Show and Go to Sleep But Now I'm Sad with Johnny Joy-Killer''.
** John starts out the segment talking about senior citizens who are still well and active, one of them being a 104-year-old woman[[note]]Elizabeth Sullivan[[/note]] whose secret was drinking 3 glasses of Dr. Pepper every day.
--->'''Woman:''' Two doctors have told me that if I drink it I'll die, [[TakeThat but they died first.]]
--->'''John:''' Okay. Follow-up question: [[NeverMessWithGranny did you kill them? You seem awfully proud of that fact]]...But the truth here is not everyone is going to remain as sharp and self-sufficient in their old age as that murderer laughing at her dead doctors.
** One of the guardians named April Parks charged for one-hundred hours a day. John insists that it's only possible on Mercury, where a day lasts 1407 Earth hours. John then explains that joke was exclusively for UsefulNotes/NeilDeGrasseTyson, who quickly corrects John on his joke.
--->'''John:''' SHUT UP, NEIL! SHUT UP! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING?! JUST ENJOY SOMETHING FOR ONCE IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, [[Series/FullFrontalWithSamanthaBee YOU FECKLESS]]-Oh, never mind. It's not worth it.
** When someone makes a "fox in the chickenhouse" metaphor, John is quick to insist that not all foxes are thieves, it's just an offensive stereotype based on Swiper from WesternAnimation/DoraTheExplorer with the hashtag [=#NotAllFoxes=]. However, [[TheProblemWithPenIsland because the show uses all-capital font]], he acknowledges that it could also be read as [=#NoTallFoxes=], with an appropriate graphic, which John also agrees should be given awareness.
** John shows a skit of several elderly celebrities telling people how to prepare for old age and the possibility that they might need someone to look after them. During this, they randomly segue into a discussion about how hippos are killing machines. And apparently everybody except Creator/RitaMoreno was here to talk about hippos, and Fred Willard is especially annoyed that that's not what the video is about.
--->[=#FuckHippos=]
** The celebrities discuss how a guardian is supposed to be someone you know and trust like your son or daughter, close friend, or Creator/TomHanks. At the end of the video, all of them appoint Tom Hanks as their legal guardian.
* On his episode about [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOVPStnVgvU Stupid Watergate II]]:
** John lists off Trump's TV friends at Fox News: Pumpkin Dad, Captain Virgin (Tucker Carlson), Bad Judge (Jeanine Pirro), Whiter Megyn Kelly (Laura Ingraham), The Dunce Bus (the hosts of ''The Five''), The Dunce Bus Jr. For Presidents (the hosts of ''Fox & Friends''), and Michael Cohen Client Number 3: Sean Hannity, a man voted most fuckable by Nana Needs New Glasses magazine.
** John explains that Rudy Giuliani is trying to appeal to the jury when he goes on television, and that is the American people.
--->'''John:''' And I know what you're probably thinking right now, "Fuck! Jury Duty! Time to act like a racist idiot to get out of it!"
** Sean Hannity displays a list of names in an effort to divert attention away from Trump's investigation. John counters with a list of his own. The list includes Harry Connick Jr., Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Cher, Wayne Gretzky, Joyce Carol Oates, [[RunningGag The Olsen Twin]], P!nk, Desmond Tutu, Sinbad (Comedian), Sinbad (Sailor), Yakov Smirnoff, Idi Amin, L. Ron Hubbard, Fatty Arbuckle, and Fabio.
--->'''John:''' Hey Sean, have you thought about these fifteen people? What about them? What about Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Sean? What about Cher? We're not talking about the FBI until you answer. What about Cher, Sean?
** John shows that Hannity constantly claims his other controversies make Watergate look like stealing a Snickers bar. John notes it's an odd comparison considering Snickers doesn't sponsor Sean Hannity's show, assuming that Snickers simply couldn't compare with Hannity's actual sponsors: "My Pillow", Recticare cream, and Sock Slider, with John showing a commercial for the last one, revealing to be [[TooIncompetentToOperateABlanket a device to put on socks]].
--->'''John:''' Oh thank goodness! I have been waiting for someone to invent a gadget that I can pre-load with a sock condom and foot-fuck my way to comfort every morning!
** John is amused at Fox News' constant references to FBI agents Peter Strzok and Lisa Page's affair using increasingly unsubtle euphemisms.
--->'''John:''' Oh yeah, they were ''fuuuucking!'' They were doing the nasty, doing the slam-bam in the ham, stuffin' the muffin, fishing for kippers, they were porking them in 44 and piercing them at 52, they slid the wand into the Goblet of Fire, they were dining at the all you can bone buffet at B. J. O. Porkington's. They were having an affair.
** John points out that there was no evidence of a conspiracy against Trump's in Strzok's and Page's 7,000 messages to each other, but he wants to extend some sympathy for the reporter who had to read 7,000 sexts between two horny FBI agents.
** John gives up on picking apart more conspiracy theories because there will always be another rabbit hole. John the specifies that he means a metaphorical rabbit hole, and not "The Rabbit Hole", the gay club where Marlon Bundo found his confidence years ago.
* On his episode about [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OubM8bD9kck Xi Jinping]]:
** When Xi Jinping said that the world needs to learn more about China, John agrees, and admits that the show should've done more segments on it.
--->'''John:''' Especially considering we've done roughly 4000 different stories on New Zealand, and multiple pieces on the testicle receptacle from the 2005 Creator/RussellCrowe film ''Film/CinderellaMan''!
** The overall mood of China's middle class is positive, which stuns John.
--->'''John:''' Wow. A sense of optimism about the future. I've got to say, as a British person, I just find that [[BritishStuffiness utterly incomprehensible]]. If you look up optimism in the OED, and this is true, the definition simply reads "No".
** The music video for China's Belt and Road initiative starring kids is so annoying yet catchy, John dubs it "Kommunist Kars 4 Kids".
** On Xi Jinping's crackdowns on references to Franchise/WinnieThePooh due to being embarrassed about the supposed resemblance between them, John points out that it's not much of one, but the simple fact that it irritates him so much means that people will ''never'' stop bringing it up. He then advises that the only way to win when you resemble a popular cartoon character is to "lean into it", while showing a picture of himself alongside Zazu from ''WesternAnimation/{{The Lion King|1994}}'', referencing his upcoming role as the character in [[WesternAnimation/TheLionKing2019 the 2019 remake]].
** China's plans to give each Chinese citizen a social credit score includes the penalty of low-speed internet if one's score is too low. John thinks that low speed internet is a perfect business opportunity for AT&T, [[BitingTheHandHumor which is now HBO's parent company]].
* On the Chlamydia in Norway issue:
** John is shocked that there are ads calling Norway as the land of Chlamydia to advertise selling condoms at 7-Eleven, calling it the second most shameless signage-based Chlamydia publicity stunt he's ever seen, the first one being his koala ward.
** Another commercial for sex-education in Norway involves a man in a penis costume sneaking up to unsuspecting people, shooting confetti out of the penis head, and screaming. John has three main problems with the commercial. First, the screaming from the penis. Second, the tagline for the commercial translates to "Penis can surprise you", which sounds like a pick-up line from a Russian at an airport bar. And third, the fact that the penis bends at a right angle to shoot the confetti. And if someone's penis does look like that, John suggests sending video proof to Jeff Sessions's email address. And after he gets done with that, [[spoiler:the penis sneaks up on ''John''.]]
* On his episode on [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-hahRWhFvg Mexican Elections]]:
** John starts off the segment explaining how most Americans know nothing about the Mexican government, including Enrique Peña Nieto, so much so that the picture John is showing isn't Enrique Peña Nieto, it's [[https://www.istockphoto.com/photo/mature-executive-gm175496982-21056008 the result of searching 'Mexican Man' on a stock image website]].
** John tells us how one of the candidates hates Santa Claus to the point where he supposedly tells his kids ''every day'' that Santa isn't real. Guess who decides to pay John a surprise visit? (Actually, it was Bobby Moynihan, but he's treated like he's actually Santa.) After proving his existence, John asks how Santa spends his time when it's not Christmas. [[{{Squick}} He masturbates. All the time.]] [[RefugeInAudacity Until his magic sack is empty and it resembles a candy cane.]]
--->'''John:''' Never meet your heroes.
** John describing another candidate as “if Pitbull went to grad school”.
** His response to the mayor of [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Piedras_Negras,_Coahuila Piedras Negras]] refusing to hide from the cartels even after they murdered a congressional candidate in the same region running against them:
--->'''John:''' [[SincerityMode That is just amazing!]] And, for the record, [[SelfDeprecation I am not that brave! I am not that brave at all!]] Sure, I'll shit-talk the drug cartels from the safety of New York - [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-hahRWhFvg&t=18m33s this, for instance]], is the ''actual head'' of the Sinaloa Cartel, and I'll happily say that he looks like Andy Garcia won a pizza-eating contest, 'cause, fuck that guy! Fuck him! I'm not scared of him! But I wouldn't have the courage to say that in Mexico, [[spoiler: and I wouldn't even have the courage to say it ''here''! That's not the head of the Sinaloa Cartel! That's another stock photo! Do you think I'm fucking ''crazy''!? ''Do you think I'm insane!?'' '''''I'm a coward!''''']]
* In the episode about [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ET_b78GSBUs Prosecutors]]
** John notes that "Prosecutors will decide" is a three-word phrase used so often, the meaning has been lost.
--->'''John:''' Like "User Agreement Update" or "Some Restrictions Apply" or "Tyler Perry Presents". At this point, I'm just gonna assume he presents everything. It's safer that way. I technically think he presents this show. I wouldn't be completely surprised about that.
** One prosecutor had a little electric chair on his desk with five people. All of were released from Death Row.
--->'''John:''' Yep. The thing he kept as a token of his success is now a monument to poor decision making. It is the prosecutorial equivalent of Cuba Gooding Jr.'s Oscar. ''(Audience groans)'' And look, if you want to see-Why did that joke upset you more than anything else tonight!? You have got to be consistent! You've got to be! You might care about Cuba, you care about him too much in this context!
* In the episode about Trade, John theorizes that both the tepid relationship between Donald Trump and his wife Melania as well an aluminum factory worker's appreciation towards Trump are due to a FreakyFridayFlip between Melania and the worker.
* In the episode about [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjPYmEZxACM Facebook in Myanmar]], at long last, the show brings back the "Country you think about so little" RunningGag. This time it's not Myanmar, but ''Mikhail Gorbachev's famous forehead birthmark''.
* In the episode about [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opi8X9hQ7q8 Brett Kavanaugh's Supreme Court nomination:]]
** Before diving into the bleaker, more serious segment of Christine Blasey Ford's testimony, John briefly opens up the episode with a jab at the Philadelphia Flyers' new (and rather demonic looking) mascot.
--->'''John:''' Gritty looks like the end result of the orange [=McDonald's=] Fry Guy hooking up with Grimace. And we've been over this a million times before on this show, if you're a [=McDonald's=] mascot you ''do not'' have sex with another [=McDonald's=] mascot. Genetics are too similar and their kids turn out very, very weird.
** [[spoiler: [[BrickJoke Gritty then comes back in the end]] as the stand-in for Kavanaugh in the Supreme Court of Dogs (symbolizing how John considers Kavanaugh going to the bench an even bigger aberration than Neil Gorsuch, who's represented by a lobster), complete with him crazily dancing at his desk and chugging down a can of beer.]]
** Brett Kavanaugh getting annoyed for being accused of "fights on boats in Rhode Island" leads John to conclude it is fitting, after all:
--->'''John:''' "I mean, come on?! Do I seem like exactly the type of person who might be in a fight on a boat in Rhode Island?! Seriously! You tell me! When you picture a fight on a boat in Rhode Island, do you picture two of me yelling at each other? Exactly at this volume?… I would like to see you say that to my face on a boat in Rhode Island!"
** John's constant takedowns at what seems to make Kavanaugh teary-eyed. Specially when the list with women leads to a dramatic reading of "Mambo No. 5".
* In the episode about the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsZ3p9gOkpY 2018 Brazilian presidential elections:]]
** Before diving into frontrunner Jair Bolsonaro's horrific racism, misogyny, homophobia, and general sociopathy, John [[SkewedPriorities rants about]] Bolsonaro's frequent use of [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking finger guns]].
--->'''John:''' He does it [[PunctuatedForEmphasis All. The. Fucking. Time!]] ''[different pictures of Bolsonaro doing finger guns are shown at every pause]''
** While the rest of the episode is rather bleak, Bolsonaro flirting with Creator/ElliotPage during their interview is funny in a CrossesTheLineTwice way. John in particular expresses amazement at how Bolsonaro managed to confuse Page, stating that should be impossible for someone who starred in ''Film/{{Inception}}''.
* John describes Rick Scott as "auditioning for the role of 'Happy Pencil' in all my nightmares."
* In the episode about [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ximgPmJ9A5s Authoritarianism:]]
** John snarking that Russia's musicals sound awful without gay people.
** John's parody of Duterte's Christmas ad, complete with a fake hashtag ([=#DisplinaOliver=]).
* The final "And Now This" segment of the season has the narrator cut off what he's doing in order to go into a rant about how he's overqualified for his job.
* To close out the season, John provides {{Call Back}}s to both the presidential wax figures he bought last year (and the movie he made starring the Harding one) and his buying of Russell Crowe's jockstrap from ''Cinderella Man'' to provide publicity for the remaining Blockbusters in Alaska. Specifically, he [[RealTrailerFakeMovie creates an action movie trailer]] starring the wax presidents as a heist crew out to steal the jockstrap. Joining them is Creator/ArmieHammer.
** When the presidents are being introduced with criminal nicknames and a list of their skills (and of course Warren "G-Dog" Harding is the leader):
*** UsefulNotes/RichardNixon (aka "Tricky Dick") as [[MadBomber the explosives expert]].
*** UsefulNotes/JimmyCarter (aka "Jimmy C-Note") as [[MrFixit the group's mechanic]]
*** UsefulNotes/WilliamHenryHarrison (aka "Willy Pneumonia") as "[[WildCard a sick man with a sick rap sheet]]"
*** UsefulNotes/BillClinton (aka "Billy Wheels") just falls over, and Armie Hammer [[WhatExactlyIsHisJob openly wonders what his purpose in the group is]].
** The criminal mastermind the crew is going up against? [[spoiler: Russell Crowe himself.]]
* In the December 2018 Brexit update, Gilbert Gottfried makes a return, [[MundaneMadeAwesome reading off articles from]] [[UsefulNotes/TheresaMay Theresa May's]] Brexit agreement, which, after several obvious jabs at the handling of Brexit, he finally stops him and has him read a Bigfoot erotica, ending off with a threat to have him read chapter 2.
* In the episode about [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJm8PeWkiEU Gene Editing]]:
** After a news clip talking about experimental gene therapy causing rapid recovery to an infant with leukemia, where her father calls it a miracle:
--->'''John:''' That's fantastic! And he's right, it is a miracle! Except when you think about it, it's actually not, it's science. Which I would argue is actually better and more convenient than a miracle, because you don't have to spend the next two thousand years worshiping the scientist. You can just be like, thanks!
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Season Four (2017)]]
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekoETowzmAo The Season 4 Promo]] has the narrator talking about HBO's award winning and praiseworthy show is returning, which makes John think he's talking about his show, only for the camera to reveal the narrator was actually talking about HBO's ''other'' hit series on Sundays (''Series/GameOfThrones''), hit comedy series entering its fourth season (''Series/SiliconValley'') and hit comedy series returning from a hiatus (''Series/CurbYourEnthusiasm'', which was UnCancelled).
* The BaitAndSwitch where he mentions ''Series/TheYoungPope'' as the most interesting thing to happen during hiatus before getting into politics.
* Offhandedly calling Sean Spicer "[[Creator/MelissaMcCarthy Melissa]]" in reference to ''Series/SaturdayNightLive'''s parody of Spicer.
* "And Now, Donald Trump Cannot Shake Hands." A montage of Donald's awkward, yanking hand shakes, complete with StockSoundEffects.
* After lambasting Trump for his reliance on Fox News Channel and questionable news websites for his news, John declares that he had filmed infomercials that would air the following day on Washington D.C.'s affiliates of Fox News, MSNBC, and CNN to inform Trump about subjects like the nuclear triad, the Geneva Conventions and that ''[[ItsAllAboutMe there are actually other people than Trump]]''.
* At the beginning of the episode about Vladimir Putin, as an example of how big his {{memetic|Mutation}} popularity is in Russia, they put a clip of a techno pop song made about him, "A Man Like Putin", by Poyushchie vmeste ("Singing Together"). So, how can they convey how bad Putin is concisely and in a memorable way? By doing their own cover of "A Man Like Putin", of course.
** During the episode, it was also noted that some opponents of Putin had some bizarre and [[ContrivedCoincidence allegedly coincidental]] things happen to them, such as people defecating on the hood of their cars. So, partway through the song, John has to run onstage to interrupt the song so he can beg Putin to not have anyone shit on his car. Then the song resumes.
---> '''Performers:''' And critics like Oliver better run far / Better run far / Because he'll track you down / And he'll shit on your car! \\
'''John:''' Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! [[RapidFireNo No, no, no!]] ''Do not shit on my car!'' That is ''weird!'' It's so weird, i-if anything, it might be the weirdest part of this whole story! Please, don't shit on my car! Don't-please, don't do it! ''(to performers)'' I'm sorry, you-you were telling the President about Putin, go. ''(John leaves the stage and the song starts back up)''
** The number was put together because, as John puts it, the [[CallBack catheater cowboy from the mock infomercials mentioned above]] can't explain the whole situation in 30 seconds.
* The entire debacle with the Trump administration's numerous contacts with Russia is dubbed "Stupid Watergate," with them trying to make a similar labyrinthine conspiracy while no one has any idea what they're doing. John specifically points out Paul Ryan visibly suppressing a laugh during Trump's promise that he'll be getting down to business now.
* John Oliver tackles the situation of the Dalai Lama and China. Naturally, like Snowden, he visits him as well. Highlights of the meeting include:
** How he convinced Mongolia to stop drinking vodka... in exchange for horse milk. Understandably, John is rather baffled at his claim, along with how one even obtains horse milk.
--->'''Dalai Lama:''' Drink much less vodka-\\
'''John Oliver:''' [[DeadpanSnarker Yeah, they love to hear that.]]\\
'''Dalai Lama:''' -Yeah instead of that with a, uh, traditional sort of drink. Horse milk.\\
'''John:''' ...[[DoubleTake Wait, hold on]].\\
'''Dalai Lama:''' Horse milk.
** How the Dalai Lama embraces the fact that he's called a demon by China. And on that note - and again, similar to his interview with Snowden - John was subject to an OhCrap moment when the Dalai Lama takes his willingness to criticize China to say that John should become a demon too.
--->'''John:''' No no no, you can't transfer- you can't reincarnate the demon into ''me''.\\
'''Dalai Lama:''' Yes, yes.\\
'''John:''' No no no no! Don't make me a demon. No no, you can't do tha- will you cu- you cannot do that. Can he do that? Oh no... this is ''not'' how I wanted this interview to go.
** Before that, he makes fun of "the most British man who has ever lived": a man narrating a 1959 newsreel about the Dalai Lama's exile with a ''very'' posh British accent.
-->'''Narrator''': One clear fact. Red tyranny is not wanted by these intensely religious people.
-->'''John''': (imitating the accent) Yes, damn that unwanted, creepy Red tyranny. Yes, down with those thieving imperialists. [[HypocriticalHumor And goodnight to Her Majesty's subjects in Bahrain, Maldives, Rhodesia, Jamaica, Barbados, Kenya, and Uganda]]. Nighty night. Sleep tight.
* On the subject of the March 2017 CIA leaks:
** Regarding the reports that the CIA explored the possibility of hijacking cars' softwares:
--->'''News reporter:''' This could do a whole lot of things, from playing the music to playing control of the car entirely and crashing it if you want to assassinate somebody.\\
'''John:''' Well, that escalated quickly! First I'll [[TakeThat make them listen to]] Music/{{Coldplay}}, then ''it's murder''.
** When talking about the reports of a malware supposedly able to use Samsung smart televisions as listening devices, John first takes note of a news reporter's ''really sassy'' way of breaking the news.
--->'''News reporter:''' If you got a Samsung TV, it's like: "You think you're watching TV? ''Oh honey'', that thing is watching ''you!''"\\
'''John:''' Okay, first: She should deliver ''all'' of the news. "19 dead in a blazing apartment fire? All of them children, girl-''frrriend''!"
** After pointing out that the documents themselves note that the supposed malware only worked on [=TVs=] made from 2012 and 2013, and that it had to be installed with an USB, John points out that on top of that, it also works on CutTheJuice rules.
--->'''John:''' ...experts still advise there's still actually a potential way to circumvent it; it's a little complicated, so I'll walk you through it: Step 1: Unplug the TV; and... that is it, end of steps, you're off the grid.
* In the wake of the controversy caused to Samsung due to the CIA leaks (on top of their spectacularly bad few months of their smartphones catching fire and their washing machines exploding) they release a commercial that has the announcer panicking as every single product bursts into flames.
-->'''Announcer:''' The one promise we can absolutely make you is that none of out products will explode any more. ''[smartphone explodes]'' ''Shit! Oh-kay'', maybe the phones, I guess, but definitely not the-- ''[laptop explodes]'' ''Aaaah'' shit! No! No! Put the vacuum up! Put the-- ''[vacuum is on fire]'' Oh my God! Oh my God, it's on fire! The vacuum's on fire! How is it still moving?! ''[smart TV is completely engulfed in flames] What!'' Fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck! Is the watch OK? Tell me the watch is OK; ''you fucking tell me'' the watch is OK! ''[watch explodes]'' No! Oh God! Fuck me! The point is: Our dryers, they are fine. ''[dryer expels fire]'' Oh fuck you! Samsung! Hey, at least our logo works, right? ''[the logo explodes]'' Oh come on!
* While discussing the current laws on marijuana use, John repeatedly screws with any stoners named Greg who happen to be watching, claiming he's talking directly to them and can even read their minds.
* After Sean Spicer's comments saying that Adolf Hitler didn't use chemical weapons, John takes issue of Spicer's use of the term "Holocaust Center", saying that it sounds like the name for a hockey arena for the alt-right. We then see the entrance for the hypothetical arena, complete with having Pepe the Frog as a mascot.
* John poked fun at the fact that Donald Trump remembered to slip what was basically a commercial for Mar-a-Lago's chocolate cake that he was having for dessert ("the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you've ever seen") into his recollection of the night he fired Tomahawk missiles into Syria, but couldn't keep track of ''what country he was raiding''.
-->'''Donald Trump:''' So what happens is, I said, "We've just launched 59... missiles... heading to Iraq--"\\
'''Interviewer:''' But you-- Heading to Syria.\\
'''Trump:''' Yes, heading for... Syria.\\
'''John:''' I ''honestly'' wish she just kept naming places to see if he kept agreeing with her. "Heading to Egypt?" "Yes, heading to Egypt." "Heading to Dollywood?" "Yes, heading to Dollywood." "Heading straight to us?" "Yes, heading straight to us, right now."
* John notes that after Trump said that North Korea could be easily taken care of by China, he later changed his mind "after listening for 10 minutes" to the President of China Xi Jingping, as "[he] realized that it's not so easy." This leaves John speechless, as he wants to know how the President of China managed to explain something that complicated in just 10 minutes, "because if this show did a segment on grapes, we'd need 20 minutes and an appearance from a marching band."
* Regarding the April 2017 Afghanistan airstrike that used the "Mother of All Bombs," John wants to appreciate one thing first:
-->'''John:''' Okay, now there's obviously a lot to unpack there, but let's just take a minute and appreciate the fact that we finally reached a point where mothers can be bombs. [[HashtagForLaughs #MOMBOMBS #FEMINISM]]
* On the 2017 French presidential election:
** After showing several commentators saying that the election could define "the fate of Europe," John notes that the fate of Europe is in the hands of "a country that looks at snails and says, 'I have got to get you in my mouth.'"
** In response to several commentators saying that depending on the election, France could also leave the European Union, and that in turn could be the end of the union itself, John calls it "the most disastrous French exit in history, and that is acknowledging that a French exit normally refers to drinking an entire bottle of red wine and then leaving a party with the host's wife."
** After a description of French's election system (in two rounds, the first with all candidates, the second one with the two who got the most votes in the first):[[note]]Unless one got more than 50% in the first round, in which case they're immediately elected President.[[/note]]
--->'''John:''' [[UsefulNotes/AmericanPoliticalSystem What a ridiculous system! Where are the 51 individual contests that allot points based on outdated demographic data that can result in the definitive loser in the popular vote somehow winning?]] [[SarcasmMode That's just stupid!]] Well, go easy on France, they're still working out the kinks of their democracy.
** John's run-down of the candidates is a doozy:
*** He notes that one candidate, Jacques Cheminade, has a platform that includes colonizing Mars. He then plays a clip of Cheminade explaining it using [[ShoutOut Shout-Outs]] to ''Franchise/StarWars'', [[CowboyBebopAtHisComputer except that he calls Luke Skywalker and Chewbacca "Larry Skywalker" and "that weird bear", respectively]]. John then says that now he thinks that those should have been their actual names.
*** John then shows the campaign ads of Jean Lassalle, which John describes as "almost offensively French": Traveling in a train in moody black-and-white, working on his farm, dancing, and mowing a hillside shirtless (all while wearing a beret). John says that he seems to be attempting to win a reality show called "So You Think You Can France."
*** John goes on to describe how François Fillon, former Prime Minister, was once the leading candidate, but fell back on the polls due to a scandal called "Penelopegate" (in which he is accused of having paid his wife, Penelope, and their children with public money for little to no actual work). John then says that with a name like that, it sounds more like "a scandal involving selling weapons-grade uranium to Creator/PenelopeCruz."
*** It then emerges that Fillon was essentially [[ARareSentence bribed in ridiculously expensive suits]]. He defends himself:
----> '''Fillon:''' [[ImplausibleDeniability I am perfectly allowed to be given a suit by a friend. It's not against the law!]]\\
'''John:''' [[SarcasmMode Oh, you're right! That is a completely normal thing for adult friends to do!]] "Happy birthday, friend! I got you two suits that cost about $7,000 each, because that is a non-suspicious amount to spend on a gift for a friend! How not-weird is this? Couldn't be not-weirder, right?!"
*** John responds to Jean-Luc Mélenchon using holograms to appear in two campaign rallies at the same time (and activating them with a giddy grin) with his trademark [[TotallyRadical "Cool"]], and then compares the whole thing to "finding out your uncle's detachable thumb trick cost him $400,000", in that both were very lame ''and'' very costly.
*** After a commentator describes one of the frontrunners, Emmanuel Macron, as "generally inoffensive" and "''not'' super attractive to anyone," John says that makes him sound like "[[Creator/JoshRadnor the guy]] who played the main character in ''Series/HowIMetYourMother''." (John doesn't even mention the actor's name, saying that he doesn't have one). However, John notes that there's something interesting in Macron: He married his schoolteacher, who's 20 years older than him, and as a result he has seven step-grandchildren at the age of 39. John then says that a man in his thirties ending up with seven step-grandchildren sounds like the plot of a [[DirectToVideo Direct-to-DVD]] Creator/AshtonKutcher movie called ''Even on a Nine-Hour Flight This Movie Is Unwatchable.''
*** On a sidenote, John mentions that Manuel Valls (a former Prime Minister and an ultimately unsuccessful candidate in the primaries) and Fillon got cups of flour thrown at them during the campaign (and showing an excerpt where a French newscaster mentions Fillon having [[NotHelpingYourCase brought a spare suit]]), and after describing Macron, he adds, "If you're wondering if Macron did get any baking ingredients thrown at him during the campaign, well, what do you think?" (For variety's sake, he got an egg rather than flour.) He summarizes that, with two cups of flour and one egg, he doesn't know if the French people are any closer to picking a President, but they're halfway through making a decent crêpe.
*** This finally leads to Marine Le Pen, the candidate for which he considers the election is making headlines worldwide. John first mentions how her father, Jean-Marie Le Pen, said to one Jewish critic that "we'll put a batch in the oven next time." John calls it "the kind of vile, horrific anti-semitism that gets most people permanently banished from society, [[Creator/MelGibson as well as an Oscar nomination for directing]] ''Film/HacksawRidge''."
*** John notes that after that, Marine kicked Jean-Marie out of the party and worked to present a softer image, as shown when one French voter says that with her "there's an elegance." John is quick to caution that elegant presentation does not negate its content, putting as example that a Klansman is still a Klansman even in a monocle, a top hat, and a cane, while showing a picture of a Klansman dressed as such. He then asks for the sheet to be removed, revealing him to be Mr. Peanut.
----> '''John:''' I FUCKING KNEW IT, ''I FUCKING KNEW IT!!!''
*** John shows an interview made to Marine Le Pen about immigration, in which she said that, when inviting immigrants to one's flat, they could such things as "stealing your wallet and brutalizing your wife," but what caught John's attention was that she also said that "on top of that, [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking they start to remove the wallpaper]]."
----> '''John:''' [[ARareSentence I never thought I'd say this to someone]], because it doesn't really make sense, but I hope someone steals your wallpaper! I don't know why they would Marine, but I hope they do.
** After all that, and with polls suggesting that one-third of French voters might abstain from the election, how does John appeal to French voters? By appealing to their "Frenchness" turning his set into a scene out of a French film, complete with moody black-and-white, an accordionist, smoking cigarettes, and speaking entirely in French. He even goes as far as to talk about Larry Skywalker and that weird bear too. The episode even ends with GratuitousFrench credits (complete with "FIN") and the show's theme song in an accordion!
* In the episode about Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner, it's noted that Kushner barely talks, and that the most recent clip they got of him talking is from a 2009... except that when they play the clip in question, Creator/GilbertGottfried is dubbed over him. Bonus for John's ImplausibleDeniability ("'Wait, you just recorded Gilbert Gottfried over him!' Well, you can never know!").
* In the episode aired after the announcement that Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborough were engaged, the show played an "And Now, This" segment titled "A Look Back at the Romance Between Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski", which shows old clips of them arguing, well, LikeAnOldMarriedCouple. It eventually ends with a "[[AwfulWeddedLife Congratulations]]'''?'''".
* When discussing Net Neutrality for a second time:
** John puts the Taylor Swift goat meme as an example of things the internet offers, which even John starts corpsing over.
** John makes note of FCC Chairperson Ajit Pai's Reeses Peanut Butter mug, and states that if Chairperson Pai thinks that John is just jealous of the mug, John isn't, because he has an even bigger mug. Which he pulls out and mimes drinking out of.
---> '''John:''' I'm drinking the blood of smaller mugs. Cheers.
* In the video response to the reaction to the second video about net neutrality:
** John calls out a news station that did a report on his net neutrality campaign by pointing out that the man they used in the background was Creator/StephenColbert. Needless to say, John was pretty insulted by the fact that not only they couldn't even use the right picture, the reporter himself sounded extremely bored and uncaring about the story he was reporting on.
---> '''John:''' Come on! Everything about that man's tone is insulting! What he is essentially saying there is "[[SubvertedCatchPhrase John Oliver, a comedian you think so little that you probably didn't notice that is not John Oliver, that's Stephen Colbert.]]" COME ON! That hurts!
** John chastises those who wrote racist comments on the FCC website about FCC Chairman Ajit Pai (due to Pai being of Indian descent), but also leaves a BaitAndSwitch.
---> '''John:''' Writing racist things on the internet is not how you win the net neutrality debate. [[TakeThat It's how you win the presidency.]]
* In the episode about Donald Trump withdrawing the United States from the Paris Agreement:
** John says to not test the patience levels of the EU leaders, as Britain has tried that with Brexit, and John says that you can email the same address the EU set up for Britain for that, "lick.ournuts@gofuckyourselves.eu".
** On showing the video of the initial Paris agreement, he lampshades how the small gavel really kills the mood, and envisions something even worse in the form of a murder trial with a squeaky hammer. And then it comes back during [[ItMakesSenseInContext an impromptu performance of]] [[WesternAnimation/BeautyAndTheBeast "Be Our Guest"]] when he uses it to try and squash the characters.
---> '''John:''' I hereby sentence you to hang from the neck until dead. May God have mercy on your soul. *squeak*
** John calling out Trump for "performing real-time word association" and, in the space of about 30 seconds, "touching on at least seven different topics, including the non-phrase 'broke my choppers'."
** Part of Pennsylvania senator Scott Wagner's theory on what causes global warming: the Earth is moving closer the sun every year, which John points out is true... but also that it then moves ''away'' from the sun, "because that is what a fucking year is!"
* On the Brexit negotiations following the 2017 United Kingdom general election:
** ''Everything'' involving Lord Buckethead, a joke candidate in the UK snap election who looks like "Darth Vader fucked an Amazon Echo," who was nevertheless legally required to be presented just as seriously as the others. Not to be left out, John had Lord Buckethead flown to New York so he could demand the UK appoint him as a Brexit negotiator.
** When describing the difficulties of negotiating Brexit, John compares it to if Florida wanted to secede from the US ([[TakeThat which he says would be a great idea]]), citing all the numerous problems that would come from it -- patrolling the border, taxing goods coming out of Florida, and [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking who would get custody of]] Wrestling/HulkHogan.
** John shows a clip of an interview where Theresa May was asked what was the naughtiest thing she'd done, answering "running through fields of wheat", prompting him to dub her "[[UsefulNotes/MargaretThatcher Thatcher]] [[Literature/TheCatcherInTheRye in the Rye]]".
* Regarding the mistrial of Bill Cosby's sexual abuse trial, John can't help but point out how, when exiting the courtroom, Cosby shouted "Hey hey hey!", his CatchPhrase as WesternAnimation/{{Fat Albert|AndTheCosbyKids}}.
-->'''John:''' What are you doing? Shouting your character's catch-phrase while you're on trial is a ''bizarre'' choice. If Creator/ReneeZellweger was on trial for triple murder, it would be strange for her to shout, [[Film/JerryMaguire "You had me at 'hello'!"]] "No Renée, we had you when the blood in the trunk turned out to be a DNA match; you're going to jail for a ''long'' time."
* With the news that literally ''every single one'' of the 50 states has polled negatively about the Republican health care plan, John marvels at how hard it is to get them all to agree on anything. After all, there's even one state that won't admit that Delaware sucks... Minnesota, because they're just too polite.
* In his segment about coal, he finds that people returned bonus checks to Bob Murray, CEO of the Murray Energy Corporation, voiding it and writing "Kiss my ass, Bob" and "Eat shit, Bob". At the end of the segment, Mr. Nutterbutter wants to give a check to Bob, and it's made out to "Eat shit, Bob!" with the memo being "Kiss My Ass!"
** John also describes Bob Murray's work against mine safety as "like watching Film/MyGirl and rooting for the bees!"
* In the segment about vaccines:
** When discussing about how vaccination skepticism has led to parents doing potentially dangerous thing to their children, it is included a TV news report titled "Swapping Spit & Passing Pus." However, on the title graphic, the word "pus" was spelled with ''two'' S's. John says that "swapping spit and passing puss sounds like the sex talk that Kid Rock would give his teenage son."
** John lambasted Representative Dan Burton (R-IN) [[UsefulNotes/LogicalFallacies Shifting the Burden of Proof]] in regards of vaccination thus.
--->'''John:''' Proving a negative is an ''impossible'' standard. And that is also [[SlipperySlopeFallacy a slippery slope]], because that means that I can say to you, "You, Dan Burton, are [[BestialityIsDepraved a donkey fucker]]. You dress up donkeys in cheerleader outfits, and you fuck them. It's what you're into, and you do it ''all the time''." And you will say to me, "Well wait, there is absolutely no evidence of me doing that", but I would say "Turn that around - there is no evidence of you ''not'' doing that, either."
* On the segment about the Sinclair Broadcast Group:
** John talks about how local news tend to find ways to grab people's attention, showing as an example a correspondent reporting about a mugging by recreating it, including [[SeanConneryIsAboutToShootYou pointing a gun to the camera]]. John admits that it's a great way to get people's attention, and then proceeds to ''[[RefugeInAudacity also grab a gun and point it to the camera too]]''.
--->'''John:''' Our main story tonight concerns the potential problems in corporate consolidation of local news, ''don't you dare change the channel!''
** John shows one local news commentator, Mark Hyman, doing an editorial about "snowflakes" and "social justice warriors". John says that he presumes that it's one of a series featuring titles like "Wake Up, Libtard", "Cucked Much, You Little Beta Baby?", and "Knock Knock Sheeple, It's Me: Truth."
** John compares Hyman's boss, Sinclair Broadcast Group, "something you only just heard off," being "the most influential media company that you've never heard of"[[note]]They're one of the largest groups of local television stations, and after completing the process of buying Tribune Media, will be ''the'' largest[[/note]] with if [=ExxonMobil=] got brought by "[[Creator/TomHolland that little twerp who plays]] [[Film/SpiderManHomecoming the new Spider-Man]]."
--->'''John:''' "What? How is that possible? How does Spider-Twerp have the resources to do that? I only just found out that he existed!"
** After John notes that the potential total average households of Sinclair after buying Tribune Media would be higher than any prime time show on Creator/{{Fox News|Channel}}, he refers said shows as "Five Idiots Have the Most Intolerable Dinner Party Ever" (''The Five'') and "That Guy from College Everyone Hated Has a Talk Show Now" (''Tucker Carlson Tonight'').
** John plays some more clips of Mark Hyman's commentary. With comments like [[InsaneTrollLogic "There is one step that's proven to dramatically reduce domestic violence: Marriage" and "On the opinion that only black people can legitimately have an afro, someone should tell that to American folksinger Art Garfunkel"]], the comedy writes itself.
--->'''John:''' ''What are you talking about?!'' As I believe Music/PaulSimon once said, [[LesserStar "There's no need to involve Art Garfunkel in any of this."]]
** John notes how the stations of one of Sinclair's subsidiaries, Circa, all reported the Michael Flynn investigation as supposedly being a vendetta from the FBI in the exact same manner, one of them ending it with "it could very well be true". John takes issue of this:
--->'''John:''' Yeah, but you could say "it could very well be true" about anything: Are all peanut M&Ms just snake eggs painted different colors? Do foxes walk on their hind legs when no one's looking? [[RunningGag Is there really only one Olsen twin]] [[EpilepticTrees who's moving back and forth at superhuman speed to trick the human eye into seeing two of them?]] All of those things "could very well be true", and aside from the one about the Olsen twins, none of them are.
** John notes how the gist of the problem is the real power that is having trusted local newscasters spreading propaganda by saying that if they "used the words 'Daniel Stern' and '[[{{Squick}} explosive ejaculation]]' in the same sentence, you could never watch ''Film/HomeAlone'' the same way again."
** John's take on an ad run on a Sinclair station that blamed the Democrats for giving the country slavery, the KKK, and Jim Crow laws:
--->'''John:''' "Democrats gave this country slavery" is a little more complicated than that. Sure, someone gave me this haircut ''[shows a picture of him from early ''[[Series/TheDailyShowWithJonStewart Daily Show]]'' days]'', but I'm accountable for being comfortable with it, liking it, and keeping it around for a morally repugnant amount of time.
** John notes that Sinclair stations' poll questions are also leading: In a question about why cable news channels are airing so much coverage of the Trump/Russia story, the first two answer options are "Bias against the President" and "Higher Ratings", while the third one is [[{{Understatement}} "It's a really important story."]]
--->'''John:''' Okay, there is a clear slant in those questions and answers. I can't wait for the inevitable poll, "How would you describe the way Donald Trump looks in athletic wear? A) Adonis-like B) Herculean C) Striking for a man of his age D) Not my thing, but I'd still hit it."
** All this eventually leads to the "Terrorism Alert Desk", a segment that reports on terrorism on Sinclair stations every day. John notes that reporting on terrorism ''every'' day leads to sometimes reporting only fluff pieces like the ringleader of the London Bridge Attack having applied for a security job at Wimbledon (and the application in question wasn't even a job interview; he just filled out an online application) or an ISIS flag being hung on New Hampshire.
--->'''Newscaster:''' ... from the Terrorism Alert Desk in Washington, I'm Lindsey Mastis.\\
'''John:''' "In other alerts, my grandma heard a loud noise, a man with a beard asked me when the next bus is coming, and Iran still exists. From the Terrorism Alert Desk in Washington, I am just about done with this shit."
** The bit about the Terrorism Alert Desk goes even further when it's shown that it also covered a report about burkinis in France. Nothing about terrorism, just burkinis.
--->'''John:''' ''[[PunctuatedForEmphasis What. The fuck!?]]'' That is not about terrorism, it's just about Muslims! [[FauxHorrific By that definition, terrorism is anything a Muslim does!]] "Tonight, Creator/MahershalaAli on the cover of ''GQ'', Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sneezed in an airport, and happy birthday to Fareed Zakaria! This has been your Terrorism Alert Desk."
** As a BrickJoke about how John previously in the video referred to Boris Epshteyn, a former Trump aide turned political pundit for Sinclair, as "a rejected extra from ''Series/TheSopranos'' in a JC Penney's tie whose voice sounds like Creator/SylvesterStallone with a mouth full of beans", the segment ends with a video directed to Tribune viewers regarding the impending takeover by Sinclair presented by ''The Sopranos''' Steve Schrripa, warning them that he might not be the last guy in an accent and a cheap tie that they might see on their channel.
* Just the entirety about the Wax Presidents:
** When John reports about how a wax museum of Presidents that was closing down put their wax mannequins up for auction, he notes that there were some notable buyers, such as [[Series/TheRachelMaddowShow Rachel Maddow]], who bought the replica of UsefulNotes/DwightDEisenhower.
--->'''John:''' ''[after showing a clip of Maddow adorkably celebrating that she bought Eisenhower's replica]'' Is he though? Because to me it looks like you may just bought a wax sculpture of Creator/BillOReilly covering his erection with a magazine.
** John then shows that Creator/StephenColbert also bought one; in his case, of UsefulNotes/ZacharyTaylor.
--->'''John:''' Well congratulations, Stephen! Although it is worth pointing out that Zachary Taylor died of a stomach bug sixteen months into office, so he's really less of a President and more a guy named Zach who shit his brains out in the West Wing men's room.
** John pointing out that Colbert originally wanted the statue of UsefulNotes/MartinVanBuren, but unknowingly, and hilariously, that one was perched by none other than Creator/JonStewart.
** Which eventually leads to this:
--->'''John:''' I know what you're thinking: Spending good money on a poorly-made wax figure of a former President sounds pretty stupid, right? Yeah, you're right, you're absolutely right, and that is why I am proud to say that we didn't go down there and buy one of them. ''[{{beat}}]'' ''We bought five of them.'' ''[audience goes bananas]'' Why five? Because [[SelfDeprecation we are five times stupider than any other TV show, that's fucking why!]]
** John not only bought five wax replicas of former presidents, he decided that, since Warren Harding's life was so interesting, a movie should've been made about it. But the problem is, "it would have to be someone with way too much time on their hands, way too many resources, and unfettered access to a life-size wax replica of Warren G. Harding"... Cue trailer with the wax President Harding starring in a "serious" biopic alongside Campbell Scott, Creator/AnnaKendrick, Michael [=McKean=], Creator/JamesCromwell, and [[Creator/LauraLinney Laura]] [[PrecisionFStrike Fucking]] [[Creator/LauraLinney Linney]]. Afterwards, John also reminds us they still have four other wax figures of presidents to play around with.
* With Stephen Miller possibly becoming the next White House communications director, John prepares a fresh new RunningGag of how much he looks like a [[Franchise/DespicableMe Minion]] from every single angle and emotion.
* John somehow managed to get some jokes out of such a grim subject as were the Charlottesville protests:
** John can't help but note that the white nationalists carried Tiki torches.
--->'''John:''' Because nothing says "white nationalists" quite like faux Polynesian kitsch.
** John notes the really odd position created by Donald Trump not mentioning the neo-Nazis in his initial response.
--->'''John:''' There honestly aren't many instances in modern American politics where you can honestly think, "That guy really should have mentioned the Nazis," but this is ''emphatically'' one of them! It's like a reverse GodwinsLaw: If you fail to mention Nazism, you lose the argument.
** When Trump says that "it's being going on for a long time; no Donald Trump, no Barack Obama," John says that:
--->'''John:''' It seems that Trump's first response to anything bad happening is always to immediately absolve himself of any personal responsibility. He's the kind of guy who starts eulogies at funerals saying, "Great guy, I didn't kill him, but he's a great guy, and he's dead, and I didn't do it."
** John summing up Trump's reaction when, while Trump was leaving the podium after his speech, a reporter asked him about the white nationalists, and Trump came back... to sign a bill he was there to sign to begin with.
--->'''John:''' He had one last shot before the buzzer on the racism clock hit zero, and he threw an air ball so far away it landed in the ''Third Reich''.
** Then there was John's reaction when, after signing the bill, Trump was asked again about it, and he just left.
--->'''John:''' If you asked me "Have you ever been aroused by the fairies in ''[[VideoGame/TheLegendOfZeldaOcarinaOfTime Zelda: The Ocarina of Time]]''?", and I responded by slowly and silently walking away from you, you would know exactly what I was saying.
* On the crisis with North Korea:
** John begins describing North Korea as "America's number one excuse for putting off chores this week."
--->'''John:''' "Y'know, I could do laundry, but if the world is about to erupt into nuclear war, what really is the point?"
** When it's noted that the crisis also included Website/{{Twitter}} exchanges, John had this to say:
--->'''John:''' When Twitter was invented, I bet even they didn't imagine that it would one day lead us to the brink of nuclear Armageddon. It's like if the invention of the Furby had led to the Sudanese Civil War. Who knew that that's where it was headed?
** Then it's noted that North Korea missiles' reach extended to New York...
--->'''John:''' Wait! New York? ''I live in New York!'' This shit just got real! Now, I think if everyone is really honest, your level of fear over the North Korea situation is in direct proportion to whether or not they can hit the exact place where you live. We film this show on 57th Street. If you told me that the blast radius stops at 56th Street, I'd think, "Well, I hope that nothing happens, but we've still got time before things get serious."
** John notes that most experts believe that, despite the threats, North Korea doesn't yet have the technology to reliably hit the U.S. mainland in 2017, but that the Pentagon suggests that they could cross the threshold in 2018. John says that this means that, if a job reviewer asks, "Where do you see yourself in five years' time?", "it is now perfectly acceptable to scream in terror into their face."
** All this of course leads to Donald Trump's "Fire and fury" response to the threats, to which John says that they only way to make that not sound terrifying is to report it the one way a newspaper in Maine, as "[[TyopOnTheCover Fire and]] [[UsefulNotes/FurryFandom Furry]]."
** John does a CallBack to when the show showed Western journalists on a tour in North Korea, in which a North Korean tour guide responded to the journalist's question about a suspiciously impressive state propaganda claim that Kim Jong‑il once shot three bullets and all three hit bullseye when he was 7-years-old with a "Mm-hmm", to which John can't help but laugh at.
--->'''John:''' That is the "mm-hmm" of someone who really wants to shut down a conversation. She sounds like a parent fielding questions about where babies come from: "So, a stork brings the baby?" "Mm-hmm." "It carries an eight-pound baby through the air with its mouth?" "Mm-hmm." "Isn't that dangerous" "Mm-hmm." "Where does the stork get the babies?" "Storks fuck! They fuck each other! Storks fuck each other, and the baby comes out of the stork's vagina! Don't ask for the truth if you can't handle it!"
** It doesn't take long before John comes across ''Film/{{Pulgasari}}'', the "North Korean ''Franchise/{{Godzilla}}''" itself, and shows his favorite scene: A couple of evil-looking guys are about to decapitate a woman with a sword, when a baby monster jumps out and takes a bite out of the sword.
--->'''John:''' You know why I love that? It's relatable. No matter where you're from, or what your religious or political beliefs are, at some point, everybody has been about to decapitate someone and then out of nowhere a baby monster jumps up and takes a bite out of your sword. It works... because it ''resonates''.
** John notes how said film was created by kidnapped South Korean film makers. While he does find that abhorrent, he also has an unpopular opinion about it:
--->'''John:''' If that's what it took to get that film made, it was fucking worth it.
** John notes that experts believe that Kim Jong-un's actions have been motivated by seeing other totalitarian leaders like UsefulNotes/SaddamHussein and UsefulNotes/MuammarGaddafi scale back their nuclear programs only to be overthrown and die gruesome deaths. John agrees, saying that dictators generally don't end their careers like disgraced American politicians with a stint on ''Series/DancingWithTheStars'', although he says that that would've been an incredible season.
--->'''John:''' ''[imitating your average DWTS judge]'' Saddam, that foxtrot was a weapon of mass seduction! And Muammar, you worked hard... and it showed!
** John notes how North Korea's military and nuclear programs stand out even more when considering that the impoverished country's economy is estimated to be smaller than Birmingham, UsefulNotes/{{Alabama}}, and Birmingham's "most notable export is ''Series/AmericanIdol'' season five winner Taylor Hicks." Not that John thinks that's a bad thing.
--->'''John:''' Not that I'm saying that's a bad thing. [[FanCommunityNicknames Soul Patrol]] forever! Soul Patrol 'till I ''fucking die!''
** John notes that North Koreans' indoctrination in anti-Americanism starts extremely young, putting as an example a defector that remembers that in her math book, there were questions like, "There are four American bastards, you kill two of them. Then how many American bastards are there left to kill?" John oddly empathizes with her.
--->'''John:''' As a British child, out math questions were, ''[puts on the most nasal, stuffy British accent possible]'' "If Johnny has two artifacts and [[UsefulNotes/TheRaj Dinesh]] has two artifacts, then how many artifacts is Johnny about to have? The answer, of course, 'All the artifacts.' Dinesh's family can come visit them in the British museum, whenever they're in town."
** John shows a video produced by North Korea depicting the destruction of New York "set to the least appropriate song imaginable": An instrumental version of "We Are the World."
--->'''John:''' The last time I saw a karaoke song with background imagery that inappropriate was... ''every time I ever sung karaoke''. ''[shows a picture of a man holding a microphone looking uncomfortable next to a picture of two babies in a field of sunflowers]'' I don't know that Music/LLCoolJ's "Doin' It" has to do with these two babies in a field of sunflowers, but it's making ''everybody uncomfortable''.
** After showing that American TV shows are being smuggled into North Korea with ''Series/{{NCIS}}'' being especially popular, John notes that we finally have the answer to the decade-long question: "Who the fuck is watching ''NCIS''?"
--->'''John:''' It turns out, it's all your mom's friends, and the people of North Korea.
** John then goes on to Trump's suggestions on how to deal with the crisis, such as China's help.
--->'''Trump:''' ''[[FunetikAksent Chi-i-na]]''... is helping us, possibly or probably, with the North Korean situation, okay? Which is a great thing, great thing.\\
'''John:''' So, in the space of 14 seconds there, he said the word "great" twice, he pronounced "''Chi-i-na''" with three syllables, suggested someone else should do the work for him, and then threw in a "possibly or probably," rendering the whole thing meaningless. I think I may have just hit Trump bingo, and the prize that I won is to go drown in a river.
** John then shows a clip of Fareed Zakaria discussing the reasons China may have to be wary of the collapse of North Korea, ending with "...and by the way, 15 nuclear weapons."
--->'''John:''' You know that there are a lot of problems when you end up saying, "Oh, and by the way, ''15 nuclear weapons''." Imagine if you were a babysitter and you heard, "Okay, you've got his [=EpiPen=], you know about his nut allergy, he needs his inhaler every hour, oh, and by the way, he has ''15 nuclear weapons''."
** John takes a moment to comment on the possibility of taking out only Kim Jong-un, noting that would only get an immediate humanitarian crisis and a leaderless country with a power vacuum, and as learned in Iraq and Afghanistan, when regimes fall and there's no plan in place, that vacuum can be filled with terrible things.
--->'''John:''' We do not want to find out what North Korea's ISIS would be. Even just the phrase "North Korea's ISIS" is absolutely terrifying. It's like saying, "9/11's Creator/BillCosby." ''[loud gasp from the audience]'' What would that even be?! I hope we never have to find out.
** Then going back to Trump's "Fire and fury" comment, it's then revealed that Trump ad-libbed it.
--->'''John:''' ''Oh for fuck's sake!'' That is just not a good idea. As I'm sure someone has had to say to Creator/WayneBrady at a funeral more than one, "Now is not the good time to improvise." Here's a one-word suggestion, Wayne: ''Mourn, mourn like a person!''
** John decides to answer to North Korea's response to the "fire and fury" line, in which they said that "the Commander-in-Chief remains stuck at a golf course."
--->'''John:''' Hey, hey, hey! Okay, just to be clear, the President is not stuck at a golf course. Unless the cart ran out of gas and he has to walk, in which case, yes, the President is ''very much'' stuck at a golf course, and may need to be airlifted out.
** Music/WeirdAlYankovic shows up to play an accordion song called, [[LyricalDissonance "Please Don't Nuke Us, North Korea."]] His arguments against it include mentioning that the US isn't made up of evil people, just "a goofy bunch of fidget-spinning dorks who probably couldn't find their country on a map", and the implores them to spare the US's celebrities.
--->'''"Weird Al":''' ♪ Would you think this through for a moment, please? / Now why would you bomb L.A. celebrities? / Why in the world would you kill Creator/TomHanks? / [[LovedByAll Cause nobody doesn't like Tom Hanks!]] ♪ ''[banner revealing Tom Hanks's face appears]''
* John discusses how most Republicans are seemingly unable to mention Trump by name while condemning the Charlottesville Neo-Nazis.
-->'''John:''' You ''can'' mention him! He is not [[Franchise/HarryPotter Voldemort]]! He's just a terrifying entity who viciously attacks his enemies and judges people based on their birthright -- d'you know what, I do hear it now. I hear it now. I take that back.
* After a two week hiatus, John says that they have a lot to catch up, from the continuing tensions with North Korea, to Equifax's massive data breach, to "me personally falling off the Music/TaylorSwift train."
-->'''John:''' Look what you made ''me'' do, Taylor!
* When Trump says during a speech that his daughter Ivanka asked him to come with him and called him "Daddy":
-->'''John:''' His 35-year-old daughter calls him "Daddy" and he likes it. That is one of those facts that on some level I already knew, I just never wanted to have confirmed. It's like when someone Airbnb's your place they literally ejaculate on everything, or if I was there for the [[UsefulNotes/CharlesManson Manson]] murders, ''[sheepishly] I probably would've stabbed someone.'' I'm not good with peer pressure, it would have been so weird if I was the only one not stabbing, I'd have probably had a quick stab.
* After Trump surprisingly sided with the Democrats in regards of a debt ceiling deal, John notes that a Republican aide told the press regarding Trump's reasons for it "Maybe it's about the wall, I don't know, none of it makes any sense." John says that phrase really should have been the slogan of Trump's presidential campaign.
* Saying that Steven Mnuchin looked like if income inequality dressed up as John Oliver for Halloween.
* John building a giant, "irresponsibly huge" train set for a small town's news outlet that had built one to put in the background for their weather forecaster is amusing. That same town taking that massive train set that John donated to them and thanking him by putting a mock-up of John's face over one of that train's tunnels is ''priceless''.
-->'''John:''' Well played, Scranton. Well played. There is simply no more passive-aggressive way to thank someone for a gift than by driving a train directly into their face.
* On the episode about corporate consolidation:
** John notes that small business are the rare thing that politicians across the political spectrum agree on, alongside supporting the troops and that "Ted Cruz can go fuck himself."
** John points out how dangerous it is to push buttons on TV that make noises like Jim Cramer does, as anyone can put any sound they want over it. He then plays a fart noise over the clip, and we cut back to him holding the Emmy he just won.
** When John is listing the number of the sectors of the economy that had been consolidated:
--->'''John:''' ...and online search engines are, of course, as we all know, dominated by one mayor player. That's right, say it with me: ''[[BaitAndSwitch Bing]]''. That's right, Bing: The best way to Google something.
** John notes that corporate consolidation also affects the show itself, as HBO's parent company, Time Warner, is looking to merge with AT&T. So, of course, [[BitingTheHandHumor John goes on to mock AT&T]]:
--->'''John:''' ...which makes this story a little dangerous for us to do. Although, you know, that is presuming that AT&T executives manage to get their shitty service working long enough to see it. AT&T: It's the top telecom company around alphabetically, and nothing else.
* On the episode centered about forensic science:
** Like most episodes, John begins the episode talking about Donald Trump. Unlike most episodes, however, John this time decides to celebrate catching Trump in a blatant lie by pushing a BigRedButton that triggers a huge celebration with performers, confetti, music, and a mascot in a tiger suit. However, John has to rush in and shut it all down, reluctantly admitting that this doesn't actually remove Trump from the presidency, so there's nothing to celebrate, causing everyone to walk off in disgust.
** [[BrickJoke Later]], John tries to push the button again after catching Trump in another lie, only for the tiger mascot to stomp over and grab the button, walking off with it. John admits that's fair.
** In the same episode, John announces his new gameshow: [[ItMakesSenseInContext "Can You Tell Whose Blood is Whose in a Pool of Blood?"]]
--->'''John:''' It premiers on Tuesday night, and amazingly, it's already been cancelled.
** John, [[RunningGag once again]], swearing that there's only one Olsen twin.
--->'''John:''' I don't know how this information helps prove my point, but once it does, IT'S OVER, YOU ''FRAUDS''! YOU ''FRAUDS''!
* When doing a mention about the recovery from Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico, John notes Trump's odd way to pronounce it as "Pu-EEEH-to Rico"
-->'''John:''' Nobody loves anything and still says its name like that. If I ask you if you feel like Italian and you say "Let us order some ''spagh-EEEH-tti'', I love ''spagh-EEEH-tti''!", they you don't love spaghetti, you hate Italians, and we're not having dinner together.
* ''Of course'' the British John had something to say about Theresa May's "Nightmare" speech:
-->'''John:''' That is not a good sign. Literally, that literally wasn't a good sign. ''[points at the sign placed behind May that kept falling apart one letter at a time]'' Not everything I say has to be a joke! I'm allowed to just say true things sometimes!
* John speaks about the Harvey Weinstein sexual harassment scandal, including a quite {{Squick}}y story from a local news reporter.[[labelnote:Details (NSFW)]]According to her, Weinstein trapped her in the hallway of a restaurant, tried to kiss her, and when she refused, he exposed himself and masturbated until ejaculating into a potted plant[[/labelnote]] John's response to said account?
-->'''John:''' Step aside, ''Film/{{Chocolat}}''! You are no longer [[TakeThat the most horrifying picture that Harvey Weinstein has ever produced!]]
* When John mentions the claim that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called Trump a "moron," he references a "suicide pact" Tillerson allegedly made with Secretary of Defense James Matthis and Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin that, if one of them was fired by Trump, the other two would resign:
-->'''John:''' That's right, apparently these three cabinet members have a pact to quit if one of them is fired, which makes sense, except: Mnuchin? The sexy? [[ButHeSoundsHandsome Yeah the guy's a perfect ten, we all agree on that]],[[note]]Keep in mind that it tends to be said that Mnuchin bears a resemblance to John[[/note]] but Mnuchin threatening to resign is a bit like a bee threatening to fly out of a car: Okay, ''[[NoSympathy fucking go then!]]''
* John is clearly worried about Trump's comments during a reunion with military leaders that it is "the calm before the storm."
-->'''John:''' ''What are you talking about?!'' For a start, ''no moment'' in the preceding nine months has been even remotely calm. It's like we're two hours into a Music/{{Slipknot}} concert and they said, "Enough ballads, now we're gonna play one that ''rocks''!"
* In the episode about the Confederacy:
** At one point John shows an ad for Dolly Patton's Dixie Stampede (basically [[Theatre/MedievalTimesDinnerAndTournament Medieval Times]] [[JustForFun/RecycledInSpace but with the Civil War]]), and riffs on the part boasting about unlimited beverages:
--->'''John:''' Yes. That is a Confederate soldier serving a small child all the Pepsi she likes. Which is still, remarkably, [[TakeThat only Pepsi's second worst ad campaign.]] ''[shows a frame from their infamous Kendall Jenner ad]''
** John plays two clips of ''Series/FindingYourRoots'':
*** In the first one, Anderson Cooper learns that one of his ancestors was beaten to death with a garden hoe by his own slave. [[AndThereWasMuchRejoicing Cooper is in complete awe of that discovery.]]
---> '''John:''' As a general rule, just ''try'' not to live a life that could lead a descendant of yours to one day say, "A guy smashed grandpappy's head with a garden hoe? That's amazing! Great job that guy!"
*** In the second clip, Creator/LarryDavid finds out not only does he have ancestors who fought for the South during the Civil War, but also owned slaves. Oliver's reaction to David's strained reaction is classic.
---> '''Larry:''' ''[laughing in shock and incredulity]'' Oh, oh, you did it! You did it! I knew it! I knew it! Unbelievable! Boy... Oh boy, oh boy.\\
'''John:''' Yeah. [[BorrowedCatchPhrase Pret-taaaay, pret-taaaay,]] [[Series/CurbYourEnthusiasm pret-taaaay]] ''[[SubvertedCatchPhrase bad!]]'' [[SubvertedCatchPhrase Pretty bad!]]
** After explaining all the problems with having monuments to Confederate leaders, John suggests some replacements. After two normal suggestions (monuments to African-Americans who achieved accomplishments), he offers Florida a statue of a [[FlippingTheBird bird-flipping]] alligator named Herman. Last on the list is North Carolina, who gets Stephen Colbert. As in, literally Creator/StephenColbert on a pedestal spouting facts about local history. Then Colbert notes he can't be there all the time, as [[Series/TheLateShowWithStephenColbert his show]] need to be filmed five days a week, which John cannot believe he can keep up with. Then Colbert mentions that the town was the site of the first naval defeat of the British, just to annoy John.
* Pointing out how much Equifax has learned on how to deal with phishing websites in light of one popping up after the data breach, John points to [[https://equifaxfraudprevention.com/ equifaxfraudprevention.com]], a website the show itself bought and put up to show that Equifax has still failed, which reads "How are we still able to do this? Why haven't you learned anything?", rubbing in the company's face its continued failure in handling what happened.
** John is baffled how hundreds of credit reports were sent to the same address.
--->'''John:''' What exactly did you think had happened there? That every single [[Series/FraggleRock Fraggle]] checked their credit at once. [[WaxingLyrical Down at Fraggle Rock.]] ''[Claps twice]'' Down at Fraggle Rock! ''[Audience claps twice]'' Now-Very nice!
* After revealing Australian politicians are protesting against Macklemore singing "Same Love" in the [[UsefulNotes/AustralianRulesFootball AFL]] Final, John shows said event has a bad tradition on musical concerts, with [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZdiaFXW2U8 a terrible]] Music/MeatLoaf concert (and to apologize to Australians, the "And Now This" shows [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7nVteJ8_8k#t=30s this]]).
-->'''John:''' Step aside, Music/BuddyHolly, Music/RitchieValens and Music/TheBigBopper, we have a new "Day The Music Died".
* On his episode about flooding:
** John mentions that flooding is likely to get worse due to climate change, and then remarks on the debate surrounding it:
--->'''John:''' I know there are people who will dispute that, and we just don't have time tonight to litigate whether extreme weather events are exacerbated by climate change, so for now, let's just say-\\
'''Giant Bold Red Letters:''' '''[[AC:THEY ARE.]]'''
** John compares buying housing in a flood zone to other bad ideas, like giving Tostitos to a seagull, stating that it will only to lead to Tostito-addicted seagulls following you around. Cue a puppet seagull swooping in to bother him until he chases it away. [[RunningGag It comes back two more times]], though the last time it [[SuddenlySpeaking suddenly starts speaking]], and states that it would actually like to comment on the segment, giving a moving speech about how homes are more about the people you're with than where you live. [[spoiler: ''[[MoodWhiplash Then]]'' [[MoodWhiplash it asks for Tostitos.]]]]
* On the episode about Economic Development Incentives
** Just as John starts mentioning about how he knows that it is a topic that isn't interesting, the "viewer" activates picture-in-picture to put John in the corner while they watch the ''Film/{{Entourage}}'' movie. John then convinces them to hear the movie's first line and see which is the better option.
--->'''Johnny "Drama" Chase:''' ''[arriving to a yacht full of beautiful women]'' I may have to jerk it before we even get there!\\
''[the "viewer" immediately goes back to John]''
** The RunningGag of John tuning Trump's erection to the sound of a ''slide whistle''.
** John says that no one should get an incentive for moving to Fargo; they should get a psyche exam and be asked to answer one question.
--->''Who did you kill? No, seriously, who did you kill? We'll still let you live here, but we'' do ''need to know.''
** The fact that Kentucky has a Noah's Ark museum paid for by tax dollars, and the website even addresses manure.
*** John also addresses the Ark museum’s blatant hiring restrictions: Christians only, no gays/lesbians, and single people have to sign a chastity pledge.
---->'''John:''' ''Oh, come on!'' Aside from the homophobia, chastity is a pretty weird rule to put in place for a museum that’s pretty much a gigantic replica of a floating fuck zoo! They weren’t brought in two by two so that everyone would have a swim buddy, they were on that boat to ''fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.''
** After the main story, John does a segment about ''The Inspectors'', a bizarre edu-tainment show on CBS where the U.S. Postal Inspectors act like the Series/CSIVerse or other CBS crime dramas, all for the purpose of informing kids how to safely handle their mail. John learns the show isn't big with kids [[PeripheryDemographic but is with senior citizens]], so he gets help from shows popular with younger people to spread the message of postal safety, including ''Series/RuPaulsDragRace'', ''Series/ThisIsUs'' (with Jack Pearson joking how he's not going to die from a letter bomb, referencing the show's MythArc) and ''Series/OrangeIsTheNewBlack''.
* From the segment on Alex Jones:
** In response to Jones's infamous "[[MemeticMutation turning the friggin' frogs gay]]" rant, John just wonders how he'll react to the ''real'' government conspiracy to [[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext turn raccoons bilingual]].
** John's varying descriptions of Dr. Edward Group III, Jones's "[[TheAllegedExpert medical expert]]", as looking like "the lead in a direct-to-DVD Kato Kaelin biopic", "what would happen if Creator/TomPetty was machine-washed instead of dry-cleaned", "a fifth-year senior at the University of Falling Off A Surfboard", and "what would happen if Music/IggyPop got [[Series/{{Friends}} the Rachel]]". Then he plays a clip of Group telling people to Google "refugees spreading disease", to which John retorts that doing that will probably just take them to the Wikpedia page on xenophobia.
** The run-down of a moment where Jones is [[OOCIsSeriousBusiness unusually hesitant to make definitive statements]] about the effects of one of his supplements:
-->'''John:''' ... wait... Wait... Okay, so let's break that down: It repairs nerves, [[ByNoIMeanYes but maybe doesn't]], it's organic, [[ImmediateSelfContradiction but not really]], it contains [=GMOs=], which is bad, except for when ''[[ProtagonistCenteredMorality he's]]'' [[ProtagonistCenteredMorality selling you something]], and you can only find its ingredients in comets... oh, ''[[EverythingExceptMostThings and blueberries!]]'' And it's [[NowYouTellMe the drop-off after that last one]] that is really incredible: "You can only find this stuff in dinosaur bones...and in trace amounts in Ritz Bits!"
** When Jones in a clip says people should buy his iodine over the one sold in stores because the store version ''[[RefugeInAudacity will kill them]]'':
-->'''John:''' I honestly did not know you could imply that your competition kills people. "[[NineOutOfTenDoctorsAgree Four out of five dentists prefer Trident gum]], and the fifth dentist is ''dead'', because he put a piece of Wrigley's in his mouth, and that's ''basically suicide!''"
** John refers to Jones's interview with Megyn Kelly as his appearance on ''Rationalizing Low Ratings with Megyn Kelly''.
** Describing Jones's constant exhortations for viewers to donate or buy his merchandise as "an NPR pledge drive for people who hate NPR".
* On Brexit:
** John's reaction to the naughtiest thing Theresa May has ever done: running through the fields.
-->'''John''': The naughtiest thing you've ever done is run through a wheat field? I cannot imagine a scenario where that is ever naughty unless you're doing it while high on PCP and fucking a cantaloupe!
** His commentary on pet passports.
-->'''John''': And while they are a genuine logistical concern, pet passports do also sound like they belong to real asshole cats and dogs. "I mean, technically I'm a Persian, but I consider myself more a citizen of the world." Fuck you, Muffin! You still use your mouth to clean your butt! You're not better than me!
* In the season finale:
** John compares Trump's rambling manner of giving speeches to someone only using the preset word suggestions smartphones give when someone is typing. And then demonstrates by generating an example of doing so that makes just as much sense as one of Drumpf's speeches.
** John [[RunningGag once again]] hits the "We Got Him" button for Trump, but this time the tiger mascot doesn't give him a chance to realize he's wrong, and just smashes the button. But this does get some pay off later, when John uses the Olson Twins' inability to accept his invite to appear on the show as "proof" of his conspiracy theory of there only being one of them, and hits the button (now reading "We Got Her").
** TheStinger to the episode: a promo for a Creator/TomHanks movie featuring [[spoiler: all of the Presidential wax models John bought earlier in the season as a sort of presidential action dream team. Then one falls over]].
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Season Three (2016)]]
* On his segment for abortions, John notes how there has been a 0.00073% chance of death related to an abortion, compared to a study finding the chances of a colonoscopy-related death being 0.007%.
-->'''John:''' Let's agree, by the way, all of us. Death by colonoscopy has to be one of the worst ways to die. Right after having your mother catch you masturbating, and while you're trying to pull your pants up, you fall and hit your head. So your dad has to carry you pantsless to the car to take you to the hospital. And the girl next door you have a crush on tries to help, but she's laughing so hard at the size of your penis, that she closes the door on your hand, startling your mother, who slams her foot on the gas, dragging you behind the car for several blocks. While your father yells "[[FreudianSlip Your TV show is derivative]] and you'll never escape the shadow of Creator/JonStewart!"
* When New Zealand politician Steven Joyce was hit by a dildo, [[https://twitter.com/stevenljoyce/status/695469349130207233 he decided to Tweet John preemptively]], figuring John would make a story of it anyway. John took this as a challenge and made a spectacle of it, including a choir, an image of Joyce's head being hit by by dildos from every direction, two dildo mascots on wires, and New Zealand native Creator/PeterJackson waving a modified New Zealand flag depicting the exact moment Joyce was hit by the dildo.
* The "How is This Still a Thing?" piece on Hollywood whitewashing is one of the most immensely, justifiably angry segments in show history; as such, it's also pure gold, tackling everything from white actors [[{{Blackface}} playing]] [[{{Yellowface}} different]] [[{{Brownface}} ethnicities]], to how [[MightyWhitey the stories of people of color are often told with a]] WhiteMaleLead as an AudienceSurrogate, to the DoubleStandard of "half the country [going] apeshit" whenever [[RaceLift a traditionally white role is differently cast]].
** The icon used to depict whitewashing at the very beginning is just Fisher Stevens as Ben Jabituya / Jahrvi in ''Film/ShortCircuit''.
** On Ridley Scott's ''Exodus: Gods and Kings'', and his comment that he needed known Caucasian actors to bankroll a big production:
--->'''Entertainment Reporter:''' Director Ridley Scott told ''Variety'' Magazine he can't mount a $140 million film "and say that my lead actor is Mohammed So-and-So from Such-and-Such. I'm just not going to get it financed."\\
''[cut to Joel Edgerton looking very silly in bronzer and a shaved head]''\\
'''Narrator:''' Yeah, you needed the white-hot star power of ''whoever the fuck this guy is.''
** On the possibility of Creator/IdrisElba being cast as Film/JamesBond:
--->'''Narrator:''' Yes, if you're black, even if you're an actor who sometimes dresses like French [[Literature/WheresWally Waldo]], people will still say you're "too street."[[note]]In reference to one of the ''James Bond'' novels' writers claiming that Elba was "too street" to be cast as Bond.[[/note]]
** On Creator/TomCruise as Nathan Algren in ''Film/TheLastSamurai'':
--->'''Narrator:''' ''This'' guy is the last samurai? ''[shows Cruise in ''Film/{{Cocktail}}'']'' ''This'' guy? ''THIS'' guy's the last samurai. ''[shows Cruise's [[RiskyBusinessDance infamous dancing scene]] in ''Film/RiskyBusiness'']'' ''This guy'', this guy is the last samurai.[[note]]The makers of the film insisted that the title "The Last Samurai" does not refer to Tom Cruise's character, but to the Japanese character Katsumoto and his samurai followers though.[[/note]] ''[{{beat}}]'' '''[[PrecisionFStrike Fuck you]].'''
* After detailing Donald Trump numerous failings and basically proving that he'd be a ''horrible'' president, John calls back to a moment where he mentioned a tweet from Trump basically mocking Jon Stewart over changing his last name (while claiming that "he should be proud of his heritage"), while also noting that the name "Trump" has a kind of power to it from how it sounds, which is a problem when it comes to dis-empowering that name. Then he reveals Donald's hypocrisy over the previous tweet by noting that Donald's German grandfather changed the family name to "Trump" from ''"Drumpf"'' (which is much less dignified to English-speakers), not only highlighting Donald's hypocrisy, but then proceeded to run with it, encouraging his viewers to "Make Donald Drumpf Again" and troll Donald Trump by calling him by his family's original last name.
** While talking about Trump's penchant for {{Frivolous Lawsuit}}s, John says "'I'll sue you' is Trump's version of '[[Series/TheBigBangTheory Bazinga]]!' It doesn't really mean anything, but he says it all the time."
* When talking about some cheeky fellow from Egypt setting up an eBay page to sell "One slightly-used Field Marshal" (current Egyptian president El Sisi), John remarks that it's not the stupidest thing ever sold on Ebay and puts up a picture of someone selling "Possibly the World's Largest Raisin Bran Flakes" for over a hundred dollars while speculating on what idiot would want to buy that.
-->'''John:''' And let me just say....''[picks up the frame holding said flakes]'' That idiot is very happy with his purchase!
* The unexpected return of the "place you think about so little" RunningGag, in the middle of a video they filmed with a bunch of California school kids for a contest.
* After an episode about how Apple is just barely keeping ahead of all the people trying to hack into its products, we get a more honest commercial of the tech crew freaking out about a virus and trashing their office. The slogan: "Join us as we dance madly on the lip of the volcano."
* The alternative to Trump plan to build a wall around the Mexican border: buying waffle irons for every American citizen. It will cost less, do nearly as much to keep out immigrants and drugs, won’t harm the US relationship with a major trading partner, it's only racist towards Belgians, "and unlike the wall, [[MundaneUtility this makes fucking waffles]]!"
-->'''John:''' So come on, America! Let's ask ourselves, what kind of country do we want to wake up to? One that spends billions on an impossible, impractical symbol of fear? Or one that smells like breakfast? Exactly!"
* The segment on fundraising culminates in John drinking out of a Long Island wine bag with congressman Steve Israel.
-->'''John:''' What better way to end a bittersweet career than with the bittersweet taste of Norfolk chardonnay?
* In response to New York Yankees COO Lonn Trost saying the premium seats' buyers were uncomfortable sitting next to fans who scored tickets for a fraction of the face-value cost, the show offered Yankees tickets right behind home plate to their audience for $0.25 on the condition of dressing like "you have never sat in a premium location". Winners included [[http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2016/04/05/john-oliver-yankee-stadium-contest/?e=jfnU4IT2MIKi9qkPAoOf1wTEaA guys dressed as]] [[Franchise/TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles Ninja Turtles]], [[http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2016/04/06/john-oliver-yankees-fans-unicorns-sharks/ girls dressed as unicorns and sharks]], and [[https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/early-lead/wp/2016/04/07/yankees-everyone-is-welcome-at-stadium-including-dragons-sent-by-john-oliver/ two guys dressed as dragons]].
** The following week's "And Now This" is devoted to the news reports on the fans, ending with a rather poorly researched one that calls John "HBO's Creator/JonStewart". The audience is suddenly caught between laughing, cheering, and groaning disgustedly. (John also feels it's awkward, to the point it takes a while for him to start the main segment...)
* During the segment on Lead Poisoning, John brings out some Sesame Street characters as a follow up to a song lesson they did about the same issue 20 years earlier. Which among other things leads to this exchange after Oscar the Grouch complains about the Strawman argument on the costs of cleaning it up:
-->'''John:''' Wow, that is an astonishing level of economic insight coming from someone who lives in a trashcan.\\
'''Oscar:''' Hey, this can is rent controlled. I've had it since the 60s.
* The segment on Scientific Research is filled with [[TakeThat Take Thats]] ("There is no Nobel Prize for fact checking. Incidentally, 'There is no Nobel Prize for fact checking' is a motivational poster in Brian Williams' MSNBC dressing room."). But the best one regards a scientist advocating hugs for oxytocin:
-->'''John:''' First of all, don't call yourself Dr. Love. That's the name a tabloid gives a dentist who ejaculated on his sedated patients. And second, there's no way I would be happier giving eight hugs a day. [[StuffyBrit I'm English]]! That's four lifetimes' worth of hugs.
* The segment on 911 call centers ends with an "Honest" 911 PSA featuring Rob Riggle.
** A particular highlight is when the dispatcher discusses how some places have better systems than other. The kid with the grandma in Maine is fine. The one with a grandma in Georgia?
--->'''Dispatcher:''' Ooh, she is ''fucked''.
* In the episode about doping in sports, a real commercial for Subway is shown, with Michael Phelps swimming in a pool:
--> '''Announcer''': To perform your best, training's gotta be a lifelong passion.\\
'''Debbie''': Michael!\\
'''Announcer''': Fueled by a foot-long passion. That's why Debbie Phelps is always there for her son Michael, ''(Michael Phelps gets out of the pool and takes the sub that Debbie's holding)'' with his favorite flavor packed, fully-jacked foot-long subs.\\
'''John''': STOP. Because first, no professional swimmer wants a sandwich in the pool. And for the record, there is nothing more viscerally upsetting than a woman feeding her soaking wet, nearly-naked adult son something called a "fully-jacked foot-long".
* Describing the 2016 election as:
** The Clowntown Fuck-the-World Shitshow 2016
** America's Fucktastic Cirque de Dismay 2016
** America's 3D IMAX Shit-Fit Dumpster Fire 2016
** A Horrifying Glimpse at Satan's Pinterest Board 2016
** Uncle Sam's Rock-Bottom Yankee-Doodle Suicide Pact 2016
** Lice on Rats on a Horse Corpse on Fire 2016
** The Holy Shit, Please Make It Stop Trash Fire Two Thousand Fuckteen
** America's Shit Salad Fuckstravaganza 2016
** The Fiery Two-Party Pileup on the Hellbound Fuckspressway
** The Shit-Filled Cornucopia That Just Keeps On Giving 2016
** Lady Liberty Convenience Store Robbery Gone Wrong Descending into a Hostage Situation and Now She's Demanding a Chopper 2016
** Oh, I Get It: We All Died, and This Is Hell, and Satan Has Cursed Us to Live Out This Nightmare for All Eternity 2016
** The Electoral Equivalent of Seeing Someone Else Puking So You Start Puking and Then Someone Else Is Puking and Pretty Soon Everyone Is Puking 2016
** What Did I Do to Deserve This? I Always Tried to Be a Good Person Is This Because I Stole Candy Once in 4th Grade Please Stop Punishing Us 2016
** I Honestly Don't Even Know If I Can Make It Another Two-and-a-Half Weeks I've Been Drinking a Lot and Lashing Out and Frankly My Family Is Worried 2016
** I Don't Even Believe in Past Lives, but I Must Have Done Something Really Fucking Terrible in a Past Life to Deserve This I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry 2016
** Of Course Election Day Is on November 8th -- the Last Possible Date the Election Could Fall On. This Must Be the Universe Punishing Us for All the Masturbating We've Done, and It Was a Lot 2016
** I Thought I Wanted It to Be Over But Now That It's Over I Wish It Was Still Going On Because It Turns Out the Ending Is Even Worse Twenty-Fucking-Sixteen
* John says the sheer absurdity of the savings plan for the show's employees actually made [[https://youtu.be/gvZSpET11ZY?t=13m55s Janice in Accounting give a fuck]].
** John calls his show "Johnny O's Sad-tastical Circus of Misery and Math".
** Given a savings plan advertisement had escalating dominoes, once the show does their take on said videos staring Creator/BillyEichner, the last domino accidentally crushes fellow guest star, Kristen Chenoweth. Naturally, the segment ends with a statement that [[NoAnimalsWereHarmed No Kristen Chenoweths Were Harmed]].
* John asserted that not even death would stop Donald Trump from tweeting, and provided a sample future tweet in which Trump says he's unimpressed with God's beard, and His inability to lift a rock that He himself created (a reference to the omnipotence paradox), finishing with a one-word sentence: "Sad."
* "Fuck You, European Union", an anti-Brexit ad produced by John which insults every country in the EU while also asserting the importance of remaining a member. [[FromTheMouthsOfBabes Sung by a child.]]
** During the same segment, when a UKIP member says the one kind of person she doesn't like is "Negroes," and she has no idea why, John calls it official proof that not everything sounds smarter with a British accent.
* John considers Lance Armstrong to be a ConsummateLiar. Why? Because he said biking was cool and "''we believed him''".
** After we have to watch an entire video of an Olympic athlete chaperone having to watch him pee, John pipes in with "That is the look of a man who is questioning every single decision he's made in his life."
* After playing the clip of Khizr Khan's speech about the constitution, John describes what he just witnessed.
-->'''John:''' ''Oh, [[PrecisionFStrike shit!]]'' That was an American founding document being ''inspirationally used as a middle finger!'' I did not know that was technically possible!
* When the American Petroleum Institute used the show's opening style (font included), John produced a new opening based on one of their previous ads featuring Rebecca and Andy, who use the time to insult API for its practices. They also mention that its logo looks like it's being penetrated by a polar bear's dick, complete with animated graphic... which they show for [[OverlyLongGag an uncomfortably long time, with both actors staring at it thoughtfully.]]
* The web segment on [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8l2Y6Z-maAU birds]]. "FUCK YOU, BIRDS!" Penguins get a pass, though.
* While covering Wells Fargo and their fraudulent accounts, John discovered an old ethics video shown to Wells Fargo employees ten years ago, complete with cheap prop comedy comparing ethics violations to a rubber band that would snap back and hurt you if you stretched them too far. When the show's team tracked down the man who starred in the video, they were quite surprised to find he's ''one of the show's own writers'', who was quite happy to do a [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hq4pLWYwu-8 new video]], complete with comparing their ethics violations to putting a dildo boomerang, as it would inevitably come back to "fuck them in the ass."
* Four Fox News reporters all cringing as Donald Trump brings up his fat-shaming comments completely unprompted, and just keeps going on about them.
* In Guantanamo, one of the ways for the soldiers to torture prisoners is to blast loud music at them. Unfortunately for the soldiers, one of the prisoners really liked the song ([[Music/{{Whitesnake}} Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again"]]), so he sang along. And then John compares it to the band's usual IntercourseWithYou...
* The return of the Most Patient Man on Television.
* John taunting Donald Trump with the Emmy ''Last Week Tonight'' won.
* When Anthony Weiner's scandals bring the Hillary Clinton email investigations back into the public and thus shake the election further, John has no choice but to admit to the danger. [[spoiler: Carlos Danger.]]
* When talking about scandals from both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, he notes that the Clinton Foundation is the only charity that inspires more visceral anger than Kars 4 Kids.
-->'''John:''' SHUT UP! ''SHUT UP!'' WHAT IS THIS CHARITY!? YOU'RE KIDS, ''YOU CAN'T FUCKING DRIVE!'' WHAT MONEY LAUNDERING SCHEME ARE YOU OPERATING!?
* In the episode about Police Accountability, John notes that one shorthand that many police departments abide by about shootings is "lawful, but awful", adding, "which, I believe, is also [[TakeThat the legal definition of]] Creator/WoodyAllen’s [[TakeThat marriage]].". When the audience groans, John asks "Who are you angry at?".
* In School Segregation, John shows a clip from the film ''Halls of Anger'', with a white female student going to a school mostly attended by African-Americans, with the boys lewdly calling her "vanilla ice cream". As terrible as it was, John manages to make it funny with this:
-->'''John:''' OK, that is clearly horrible. But on a side note, using the terms chocolate and vanilla is actually the best possible argument to bring races closer together because what happens when you combine chocolate and vanilla? I'll tell you what happens. Fucking Fudgey the Whale happens! And it is superb!"
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6MwGeOm8iI On his episode about multilevel marketing]]:
** After discussing how multilevel marketing companies are blatant pyramid schemes, John shows an especially damning clip of a spokeswoman for one of them at a convention, where she outright ''says'' it's a pyramid scheme early in her spiel. John then keeps interrupting to ask her to go back to the part where she "definitely said pyramid scheme."
*** That "pyramid scheme" quote comes in the context of the spokeswoman outlining a future dream scenario, which ends with this:
---->''"...and the lady [at the bank] is gonna say, 'Will that be checking or savings?', and you're gonna say, 'Eh! I don't really care, I get [checks from Youngevity] all the time!'"''\\
'''John:''' And then the lady's gonna say, "Haha, that's fantastic, but I actually need to know which account this goes into", and you're gonna say, "Makes no difference to me!", and she's gonna say, "But I can't deposit this unless you specify which account, it's policy!", and you're gonna say, "It's all gravy!", [[OverlyLongGag and she's gonna say, "How about checking?", and you're gonna say, "I'm loving it!", and she's gonna say, "Do I need to get security?", and you're gonna say, "The account ending in 8424, please."]]
** John explains that MLM companies have hierarchies of distributors, which are climbed up typically by selling product at a sufficiently fast rate; Kyani, for example, has ranks named after gemstones, with one particularly high rank being named "Double Black Diamond", which John points out is also skiing terminology for very dangerous trails. Later, while showing MLM events in other countries, he shows an Herbalife event in Mexico where CEO Michael Johnson slings a Mexico flag around his shoulder while greeting the audience, calling it "douchebaggery at a double black diamond level."
** His response to and mocking of an excerpt from an interview with Johnson in which Johnson expresses pride in working with the Latino community, more specifically stating that "the Latino--the blood, if you will" runs in the company and "it feels great":
---> '''John:''' ''[imitation Johnson's voice]'' "Oh, I love the ''blood'' of the Latino community, I just wanna ''bathe'' in it! I wanna bathe in your blood, Latinos! How's this sales pitch going? I feel like it's going ''bueno!''" ''[returning to his normal voice]'' You know what? Now might be a good time to point out that when someone says, 'Their blood is in me and it feels great,' ''that is what a fucking vampire says!''
** His brief tangent on cocaine:
--->'''John:''' But second, why would ''anyone'' in the 80's seek Herbalife to lose weight? They had ''cocaine''! Come to think of it, we ''also'' have cocaine. The point is, cocaine is an effective weight-loss option. It's not where I thought I was going with this, but it is where we have ended up.
** John's response to a Telenovela that had an EnforcedPlug for a product of a multilevel marketing company, wondering about how much drama there must be in the commercials.
--->'''John:''' "Aaahhh, Meester Advertising/{{Geico}} Lizard, I want to save 15% or more on car insurance, but how can I, '''when you are sleeping with my wife'''?"
** John closes by asking the viewers to send the episode to five people, with instructions for each of them to send it to five others, just like the MLM companies do. And as it was revealed that thanks to the magic of exponential equations, such a strategy theoretically reaches every single person on earth in just fourteen cycles -- "to the point where we need to start fucking to create more people to watch it" -- he takes the opportunity to say hi to Music/{{Beyonce}}.
** The closing segment is made even more hilarious when John reveals that, since MLM companies target mainly the Latino community, he also made a version of the video with Spanish subtitles and with the closing segment being done in Spanish by ''Series/JaneTheVirgin'''s Jaime Camil (who was also one of the stars of the Telenovela that featured the MLM product plug), which is almost exactly the same, complete with Jaime dressed exactly like John (glasses and all) and him ''also'' saying hi to Beyoncé, except for one part: When John introduces Jaime in the original video, he commends Jaime for looking like a much better "me" (as Jaime looks like a classical LatinLover), to which Jaime responds with a confident "Yes." When Jaime presents John in the video with the Spanish language segment, he tells John in Spanish that, indeed, he's a much better-looking "you", to which John, with a confused look that seems like he didn't understand a word of what Jaime said but does understand that it wasn't flattering to him, blurts out a "''Sí.''"
* In his last pre-Election Day segment on the 2016 Presidential election, John shares an OldShame -- a clip of him on ''The Daily Show'' a few years previous, actively encouraging Donald Trump to run, [[BeCarefulWhatYouWishFor because he thought it'd be hilarious]].
-->'''John:''' In my defense...I have no defense for that, and was hoping to think of one before finishing this sentence, which ''oh shit it's over''.
** Moments later, he follows this up with another clip, of him stating that the Chicago Cubs will never win the World Series. The episode aired just days after the Cubs did just that.
* The season finale ends with a "tribute" to 2016, which was a terrible year in general. It mostly consists of people talking about all the bad things that happened, then ends with a montage of people raising their middle fingers and shouting "Fuck you, 2016!" Well... ''most'' people.
-->'''Music/WeirdAlYankovic:''' 2016... Fffffffff[[LastSecondWordSwap falls]] well below my standards of quality! ''(raises his pointer finger instead of his middle finger)''
** And, to reiterate, most ''people'', as [[BrickJoke even the dog picked to represent Merrick Garland]] (whom Republicans blocked from the Supreme Court for almost ''a year'') is shown barking "Fuck 2016!"
* The "actual audio" from both Barack Obama's meeting with Donald Trump, and Trump appearing to realize for the first time just what being the president entails: the ''Series/CurbYourEnthusiasm'' theme song. John then states that's the new national anthem.
* In a segment about [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s14qCFC5RwI The Japanese Military]] when he mentions the Japanese people comparing their Prime Minister to Hitler he says he feels bad for [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hideki_Tojo Tojo]]
-->'''John:''' He must be like: "oh come on, [[SmallReferencePools you needed a mustachioed WW2 war criminal at a japanese protest and you go with Adolf? I attacked Pearl Harbor.]] What do you have to do to be a shorthand for evil, it's not fair, I earned it."
[[/folder]]

[[Funny/LastWeekTonightWithJohnOliverSeasonOne Season One (2014)]]
[[Funny/LastWeekTonightWithJohnOliverSeasonTwo Season Two (2015)]]

[[folder:Season Two (2015)]]
* On pharmaceutical companies spending more on marketing than on R&D:
-->'''John:''' Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends. They're much more concerned with getting inside of you than being effective once they're in there.
* The show prepared a [[http://youtu.be/3FCioWz7aps?t=1m37s farewell message for Radioshack to use]], with the commercial asking WhatTheHellHero at the jokes made at their bankruptcy.
* From the ''How is This Still a Thing?'' featurette on the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8QNDRbjong Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue]]:
-->'''Narrator:''' Even S.I. seems to know it's losing relevance -- which may be why, every year, like clockwork, they provoke an attention-grabbing controversy, whether it's [[MightyWhitey using other countries' citizens as props]] [...] objectifying woman with [[{{Franchise/Barbie}} an actual object]] [...] or ''this'' year, baiting the media with THIS bullshit.\\
''(The 2015 issue appears, featuring model Hannah Davis pulling down her bikini bottom)''\\
'''Carl Quintanilla:''' When the line goes this far, what's left?\\
'''Narrator:''' ''[[AskAStupidQuestion The vagina.]]'' The vagina is what's left.
* The footage of Vladimir Putin, after making a big show of Russia's military force while visiting Egypt, having to listen to his country's national anthem be butchered by a soggy, off-key brass band. He looks so [[TranquilFury sternly bellicose]] that even [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-_-XpfpLPE John cracks up.]]
-->'''John''': ''(barely containing his laughter)'' LOOK HOW ANGRY HE IS! And yet, he's got to just stand there and ''take it''!
* John when talking about our infrastructure and how highway funds get money from a gas tax, but the tax hasn't increased with inflation.
-->'''John:''' The fact that it hasn't increased means that in real terms the gas-tax has gone down 39% since 1993. Much like koosh ball sales or respect for [[CrossesTheLineTwice Bill Cosby]].
** [[MundaneMadeAwesome John tries to make infrastructure exciting]] with a fake movie trailer called "Infrastructure", featuring Creator/EdwardNorton and Creator/SteveBuscemi.
--->'''Norton:''' Well then tighten [the bolt] goddamn it!... Okay, listen to me! Listen to me, [[RuleOfThree listen to me]]... [[TheComicallySerious lefty-loosey, righty-tighty.]]\\
'''Buscemi:''' I'm the best damn inspector in the business - and I'm here to [[{{Pun}} inspect this dam]].
** This exchange:
--->'''John:''' Here's how obvious our need is -- just two days ago, even ''a total idiot'' agreed.\\
''[[TakeThat [cut to Donald Trump at the 2015 CPAC]]]''\\
'''Trump:''' We have to rebuild our infrastructure! Our roads are crumbling; everything's crumbling, and we're rebuilding China!\\
'''John:''' Okay, now, glossing over [[NonSequitur whatever the fuck he was talking about regarding "rebuilding China"]], that upside-down piece of candy corn in a wig made of used medical gauze is ''right!''
** "[[PrankCall You've been]] [[ShockJock Badgered!]]"
* When John makes the red-tailed hawk the official raptor of ''Last Week Tonight'', [[https://youtu.be/uiN_-AEhTpk?t=169 a live hawk is brought out to demonstrate]]. John does his level best to keep going while cringing in fear of it, and the trainer even stretches his arm so it will be closer to John.
** Watch closely: the trainer looks at John cringing, and then ''grins at the audience'' before he sloooowly moved the hawk closer.
* John takes on the government surveillance:
** After flying to Russia to interview Edward Snowden, he waits for an hour longer than he expected to - and halfway through that hour, he was informed that their Russian producer had booked them a room that overlooked [[ParanoiaFuel the former KGB headquarters, and current FSB headquarters in Russia]].
** He also asks random people on the street who Edward Snowden is. The answers he got range from "I don't know" to "He's the founder of [=WikiLeaks=]," the latter of which actually refers to Julian Assange. John then said to ''not'' confuse Snowden with Assange.
--->'''John:''' Julian Assange is not a likable man. Even ''Creator/BenedictCumberbatch'' [[Film/TheFifthEstate could not make him likable]]! He's un-Cumberbatchable! That was supposed to be physically impossible!
** John frames the debate in terms everyone can understand: dick pics. Snowden has an amazingly baffled look upon opening a folder John has told him contains very sensitive information. [[spoiler: It's a picture of John's dick.]] The level of InnocentInnuendo in the explanation given by Snowden of the programs that follows (e.g. "Upstream is how they snatch your junk" and "PRISM is how they pull your junk out of Google, with Google's involvement") is huge.
** John's look of terror at the conclusion of their interview, when Snowden tells them that now they're "associated" and the NSA will be putting him on "the list".
--->'''John:''' Okay, just to be clear, NSA, [[ImplausibleDeniability I never met this guy]] ''[[[ImplausibleDeniability a still picture of the interview is still on the screen]]]'' so take me off your f***ing list! 'Cause I ''do not'' want to get stuck in Russia! ''[running through Moscow]'' I-wanna-go-home-I-wanna-go-home-I-wanna-go-home-I-wanna-go-home!
* "Standardized tests! The fastest way to terrify any child with five letters outside of just whispering the word [[MonsterClown "clown"]]!"
** The episode starts with school-made videos to motivate kids during testing season, including of one of a pep rally with a monkey mascot. John says that the videos put him in the mood and calls in the monkey.
** After a heartwrenching video of a eigth grader giving a tearful speech about how she was asked to leave her AP classes due to her low test scores, John calls the monkey in again, [[PapaWolf only to yell at him for making the girl cry.]]
** When teacher pay getting tied to student test scores gets explained:
--->'''John:''' That explains why the signs that used to say "believe in yourselves" now read, "Don't fuck me on this!"
* When John [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=0DF4qjoaFTY#t=288 rolls out his mascots for various federal agencies]], the mascot for the Bureau of Alcohol, Firearms, Tobacco, and Explosives is Bob Balaban... that is, the real Bob Balaban, standing there in a jacket and tie, looking awfully confused. You honestly get the impression that they hired him and then deliberately told him nothing about the gig, just to sell that reaction.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qr6ar3xJL_Q The sequel to his disdain for FIFA]] (or as he called it "FIFA II: Electric Boogaloo"), when the news hit of FIFA officials being arrested. To say he was gleefully and hilariously vindictive would be an understatement; he probably had jokes prepared ''years'' in advance in case this happened.
-->'''John:''' [[TakeThat It's like a Sony executive green-lighting a sequel in the middle of watching]] ''Film/{{Aloha}}''. "This is absolutely terrible and I need to make sure there's more of it. We'll call it ''Aloha 2: This Time We Mean The Other Meaning''."
* And the ''followup'' to that: just two days after he ran the FIFA II episode talking about the arrests in the FIFA scandal, the universally hated president of FIFA Sepp Blatter ''resigned''. Oliver at the time, due to the unlikelihood of Blatter leaving office, mockingly asked FIFA sponsors in the previous episode to pull support in order to pressure Blatter by saying he'd wear a truly ridiculous pair of Adidas shoes, take a bite out of everything in the Dollar Menu at UsefulNotes/McDonalds, and even drink a Bud Light Lime. Despite the fact (stated by John himself) that there was no indication of any of those companies pulling sponsorship or that Blatter resigning was because of them, John proved he was a man of his word and did ''all three''; Special mention goes to the Bud Light Lime segment: while he said he'd claim it was delicious, [[ExactWords he never said about what he'd say before drinking it]].
-->'''John:''' ...Bud Light Lime tastes like Jolly Green Giant's ejaculate, it tastes like the Great Gazoo urinating in a public pool or a lime Jolly Rancher fished out of Mickey Rourke's mouth!
** Not only did Oliver drink the bottle, he CHUGGED IT.
*** His remark about the Dollar Menu? "It's like there's a party in my mouth and my stomach has called the cops to have it shut down!"
** There was also the matter of Blatter's resignation happening around the same time as the North American release of ''Film/UnitedPassions'', a biopic about the history of FIFA that had been ''financed by'' FIFA and was suspiciously glowing in spite of the years of accusations of corruption directed at the organization.
-->'''John:''' The reviews so far have been phenomenal: ''The Guardian'' said that, "As cinema it is excrement," and ''The New York Times'' called it "...one of the most unwatchable films in recent memory." And remember, this is the same week the ''Film/{{Entourage}}'' movie came out. #THEBOYSAREBACK
** His comment about the Adidas, which was unfortunately almost lost in the crowd's reaction: "Who needs arch support when you look like Louis XIV going to a rap battle?"
* Discovering that [[GermansLoveDavidHasselhoff Thailand has a weird obsession with Hitler]], [[AdolfHitlarious featuring him in chicken restaurants, laxative ads and boy bands]], John suggests Rip Taylor as a better replacement -- he's also ostentatious, fun, and has a mustache, but isn't a reviled genocidal madman.
* On his segment, John got Creator/HelenMirren to narrate for the CIA Torture Report Book. Afterwards, he got her to narrate a Beatrix Potter book to alleviate the disgust of torture, this is what he got:
-->'''Mirren:''' "But while Flopsy, Mopsy and Cotton-tail were on their way to pick blackberries, Peter was chained to a wall in farmer [=McGregor's=] basement. He'd been badly beaten, and a tray of carrots and raisins [[CrossesTheLineTwice was pureed and rectally infused]]."
* During his segment on online harassment, John JustForFun/{{rickroll}}s the audience twice and briefly brings back the [[Series/TheDailyShow "Carlos Danger" dance]] after an Anthony Weiner joke.
* The spot-on recreation of a '90s {{internet ad|s}}, replacing its characters with two men marveling at how they can use the Internet to destroy women's lives, all with the same cheerful delivery as the original.
* In order to celebrate [[https://youtu.be/U2WlQZf9zSg the "Leap Second"]], LWT staff bought the domain name "[[TheProblemWithPenIsland JohnOliverSecsTapes.com]]" - [[DidNotThinkThisThrough John points out that no one had thought to say it out loud prior to purchase]].
* The 5-year montage of [[ItWillNeverCatchOn all the conservatives who predicted that Obamacare would soon be repealed]], ending [[HereWeGoAgain with one]] ''[[HereWeGoAgain still]]'' [[HereWeGoAgain thinking about trying to repeal it]].
* During the Pride Week episode, John plays a clip from CNN where the commentators seem eminently fearful of a picture of an "ISIS flag" marching unnoticed at a parade in London, speculating about its purpose and calling in one of the network's terrorism analysts. What nobody reporting happened to notice, however, is that it wasn't a "very bad mimicry" of the ''actual'' ISIS flag, but a parody by sexual activist and performance artist Paul Coombs, with all the writing replaced by dildos and butt-plugs. And, yes, [[EpicFail CNN held on the graphic image for over 7 straight minutes]]. John delightedly mentions that, as of airtime, not only had they not apologized, [[LetUsNeverSpeakOfThisAgain but had ignored the incident completely.]]
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pk2oW4SDDxY July 4th, the annual American tradition of reminding the sky who runs shit.]]
* While talking about [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcwJt4bcnXs stadiums]] and discussing how they failed to stimulate the economy, he brought out a clip of an economist saying that it would be more stimulating for the economy to take the money that would be spent on the stadium and dump it out all over the city and let the populace grab it and spend it. This led him to pitch a new Reality TV show.
-->'''John:''' Tune in this Sunday for ''Ryan Seacrest's Billion Dollar Dump''! ONLY on NBC!
** From the same episode, John talks about a group of fans who created a rap song to promote the idea of a stadium by noting that San Diego was the "second largest" city in California, as if rappers normally boasted in ''any'' of their songs about being the ''second'' best anything.
--->'''John:''' ''Yo, I got the second-hottest car 'cause I'm the second most paid / When I go to the club, I get the second most laid!'' Second most! Second most! I'm up there! I'm #2, yo! #2!
** At the end of the episode, John gives a RousingSpeech to a group of assorted sports fans who had been taken for granted in stadium-related politics (e.g., having their taxes go to expensive stadiums that primarily benefit billionaire team owners, or having their teams threaten to leave if their host cities don't agree to financing new stadiums) on AnAesop of [[YouAreBetterThanYouThinkYouAre not basing their civic pride and identity solely in terms of sports teams]]. When talking to [[UsefulNotes/NationalFootballLeague Cincinnati Bengals]] fans, John attempts to appeal to their civic pride by reminding them that they are the home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, as well as the hometown of astronaut Jim Lovell and actress Creator/CarolKane. However, a Bengals fan corrects John by telling him that these distinctions belong to UsefulNotes/{{Cleveland}}, not Cincinnati, leaving the latter unable to think of anything noteworthy about Cincinnati and then concede that Cincinnati [[BrokenAesop might have to keep the Bengals after all]].
* John getting baffled by Music/{{Laibach}} and their work.
-->'''John:''' ''[after playing the band's cover of "[[Music/TheRollingStonesBand Sympathy for the Devil]]"]'' Finally, we have an answer to the question: ''What if [[Music/{{Queen}} Freddie Mercury]] was trapped in a cave, had just swallowed a frog, and was trying to sing it out?''
* The advert encouraging Canadians not to cheat on their spouses has a few gems.
** "Moose, you keep right on moosing. This doesn't concern you."
** Showing a bunch of idyllic locations supposedly of Ottawa, then admitting it's actually Paris.
** The segues into random sex acts, such as "unsolicited cunnilingus" and finger banging in the carport.
** "So in conclusion, don't have sex with someone else's husband named Gordon. [[PlanetOfSteves Have sex with yer OWN husband named Gordon."]]
* John having a bunch of kids sing a [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18bBvJuEwxM modified version]] of the 50 States song describing how Congress is screwing over Washington, D.C.
** The kids, having a blast, are [[DissonantSerenity smiling brightly]] as they sing about the injustice with LyricalDissonance.
** Highlights include [[RefugeInAudacity "'cause some asshole with a rider]] [[FromTheMouthsOfBabes who might live in Tennessee can destroy a needle program for preventing HIV!"]]
** The song ends with the suggestion that, if people only want there to be 50 states, then "[[CrossesTheLineTwice let's all kick out Florida]] [[TakeThat 'cause no one thinks they're great.]]" Repeated twice, and sung in three-part harmony!
* Concerned that teenagers aren't getting decent sex-ed from their own schools due to statewide abstinence-only mandates or low funding, John puts together [[https://youtu.be/L0jQz6jqQS0?t=17m51s his own star-studded instructional video]].
-->'''Laverne Cox:''' Here's how you put a condom on a banana.\\
'''Megan Mullally:''' Oh, this is a lot less curvy than I'm used to.\\
''(Nick Offerman[[note]]Megan Mullally's real-life husband[[/note]] nods at the camera with a "Yeah, that's right" grin on his face)''
** Near the beginning of the segment, Oliver screens a now-famous clip from the 1974 film "Linda's Film on Menstruation", featuring a young Creator/JonathanBanks as "Johnny", Judy's befuddled boyfriend who can't understand how she's suddenly doing so well at the bowling lanes; [[BrickJoke at the very end]], Banks appears to bitterly remark that periods don't actually make you any better at sports.
** Especially funny for WesternAnimation/GravityFalls fans - it's impossible to hear [[Creator/KristenSchaal Mabel]] explaining puberty and sex to you without laughing.
** While showing several pro-abstinence videos, one example is a man showing a woman's ragged sneakers, claiming the entire football team has been in them. While the woman defends herself saying she made them all wear socks, the man responds "socks don't protect my heart." John's angry not because of the metaphor of shaming his wife, but because "socks don't protect my heart" might be the funniest line said on the show, and the show's team hadn't written it.
** John is impressed with the creativity of one teacher putting a sock on his foot to demonstrate proper condom use.
--->'''John:''' That is very clever! That's very clever. Although, although, it's not perfect. If you can't get a sock out of the packaging, you don't then lose your foot for a minute and need to think of Rihanna to get it back, but-it's back.
** John is very confused when a senator suggests sex education should be taught at home.
--->'''John:''' Here's an exchange that has never happened: "How are you so good at sex?" "I was home-schooled."
* Go ahead, call 1-800-THIS-IS-LEGAL, as advertised at the end of the televangelist special. Go ahead and call it. John Oliver will eventually break down into a hilarious psychotic tirade commanding the caller to give him money.
** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqKJsV3icbg For those of you too cheap to even bother calling]].
** After the initial segment, the Right Mega-Rev. Oliver reviews the many seed-faith donations sent in by his flock, including an "inexplicable" package of beef jerky, [[LiteralMetaphor an enormous canvas bag of seeds]], and a one-hundred trillion Zimbabwean dollar bill, which -- as John bitterly notes -- [[RidiculousFutureInflation is worth only about $0.40 American]].
--->'''Reverend John Oliver:''' I wouldn't bless you if you fucking ''sneezed''.
** One of the seed donations is simply a five-dollar bill attached to a very blunt and direct note: "[[DoubleEntendre Take my seed,]] you rat faced bastard."
** Even better, going to the website now brings you to a short letter detailing that [[http://www.ourladyofperpetualexemption.com they're shutting down]], [[https://youtu.be/GrwOLITIe7U?t=764 and why]] (but not before saying that it wasn't because of the law).
--->"We're closing because multiple people sent us sperm through the mail. And when someone sends you [[{{Squick}} jizz]] through the mail, it's time to stop whatever you're doing."
** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eT3NRkllI3E In the very last segment detailing exactly that]], John reveals they were sent a four-foot-high wooden phallus and the message "Rub this for the seed you seek!"; after he angrily demands they "shut this shit down" and give all the cash donations to a more worthy cause, workmen take away everything save the giant dildo, which Oliver clutches tight and insists he's keeping.
*** They also sent a shirt reading "John Oliver is a rat-faced bastard!"
*** Also they were sent 12 bobbleheads of Jonny Flynn of the Minnesota Timberwolves, "which, to be honest, is eleven too many."
** Regarding the vials of semen received:
--->"And I think some were fake, but some were not!"
** Those who sent a donation in the mail received a response letter which contained among other things, a paper with what claims to be the outline of John Oliver's buttocks with the text "Sit on this and think about what you've done!", and a notice that their monetary donation will be forwarded to Doctors Without Borders.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=5d667Bb_iYA#t=785 John asked every single presidential candidate from both parties]], "Would you support a passage of a federal law or laws that prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity, specifically in the areas of employment, housing, public accommodation, and access to credit?" Only four candidates provided an answer: three of them said "Yes" and a spokesman for Rand Paul responded with, "We'll pass. Thanks." John was, understandably, confused.
* The end of [[https://youtu.be/umqvYhb3wf4 the segment about the Refugee crisis facing Europe]], where they managed to get Sammy and E.J. from ''Series/DaysOfOurLives'' to appear in-character solely for Noujain Moustaffa's benefit, [[GermansLoveDavidHasselhoff as she'd literally taught herself English by watching their show]], and felt sad that EJ had been killed off.
* During his segment on Mental Health, John Oliver points out that prisons hold more mentally ill people than state-funded psychiatric care hospitals. While that is [[TearJerker absolutely horrifying]], he quickly makes it funny.
-->'''John:''' That is terrible. Finding out jails are our largest providers of mental health treatment is like finding out Music/LilWayne lyrics are our greatest source of sexual education. ''[picture of a teenager with a Lil' Wayne poster]'' No, Darren, you can't "smack it up, flip it like a spatula". Where did you even learn that? What does it mean? "Flip it like a spatula." Would you like it if I did that to your mother? No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't, Darren. So don't say it.
* In order to convince North Dakota to get angry about their ridiculously under-regulated oil industry, John had an actual animated billboard put up telling them "Be Angry. (Please.)"
** Before that, as the narrator is trying to convince them to get angry, it cuts to a hissing possum.
--->'''Narrator:''' Holy shit, not you possum!
* John brings Creator/MikeMyers out to help him tell Canadians not to re-elect Stephen Harper, capping off with this reference to Music/KanyeWest's [[https://youtu.be/zIUzLpO1kxI outburst during a Hurricane Katrina fundraiser]] (during which Myers was left next to him in StunnedSilence).
-->'''John:''' Exactly, don't [vote for him], and I'll tell you why: Stephen Harper doesn't care about black people! ''[[[RecordNeedleScratch music stops abruptly]]]''\\
'''Myers:''' Oh god... [[OhNoNotAgain not again]]!\\
'''John:''' Oh, sorry, my mistake. What I meant to say was 'Stephen Harper doesn't care about ''Muslim'' people'!\\
'''Myers:''' ...Totally fair! I think he made that pretty clear.
** The NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer regarding a Canadian law that seeks to charge non-citizens (up to $5000 and/or six months imprisonment) who induce Canadians to vote or not vote for a candidate. Then the end of the skit where he and Myers [[WorthIt happily]] throw Canadian $20s at the camera.
*** Which either becomes less funny or more funny when you find out that Elections Canada[[note]]the organization responsible for running the federal election[[/note]] pointed out that John had actually gotten it wrong. Inducement is offering something tangible in exchange for someone voting or not voting for a certain candidate or party, a.k.a. ''bribery''. Simply stating your opinion in an attempt to get people to vote a different way is not illegal in the slightest, so John was at no risk of breaking the law.
* During his "Medicaid Gap" [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=5d3nASKtGas episode]], he goes to talk about the Mississippi elections and how Phil Bryant repelled the Medicaid Expansion. Luckily, his opponent said that he'd expand it... problem is, his opponent is a trucker who didn't even spend more than [[NoBudget 100 dollars]] on his campaign and then forgot to mention he was running for Governor ''[[EpicFail to his own mother!]]''
-->'''John:''' Holy shit! There is a difference between running a low-key campaign and not having name recognition within your own family!
** In the same episode, when he goes on to talk about Virginia and how one person who's a massive obstacle to Medicaid is a man whose name is Dick Black.
--->'''John:''' Whose name, yes, sounds like a category heading in an adult bookstore, but believe me, he's considerably less fun than his name suggests.
** Also, as it turns out, Senator Dick Black shares the name with an accordionist who actually released an album called ''[[https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/a-taste-of-dick-black/id262252032 A Taste of Dick Black.]]''
* If Sepp Blatter got a yogurt in the FIFA office refrigerator before he got suspended, it could still be there when he returned... if not for the fact that [[http://49.media.tumblr.com/eba705c1b3ec2fda9f796e217e68e223/tumblr_nw3l94XwsV1ti116do1_500.gif Janice in Accounting don't give a fuck.]] If the fridge had [[https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10156155032175717&set=a.10151049068495717.777271.669590716&type=3 an euthanized lion]], she wouldn't give a fuck either! [[https://twitter.com/LastWeekTonight/status/661928191024582656 And let's not talk about that disputed South China Sea territory.]]
* While discussing a certain Crown Jewel that was stolen from India, which India now wants back, John gives what's probably the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=BRwrwnxSi-o real reason]] England is refusing to do it: they stole virtually ''everything'' they have, so that the entire British Museum is basically an active crime scene, and if they gave anything back then they'd have to give it ''all'' back, until they're left with only a painting of Tennyson and a pair of Gary Oldman's running shorts.
** The entirety of their cameo-studded fake Fantasy Sports commercial, but special note goes to [[HilariousOuttakes the credits]]: while improvising between a pregnant couple deeply in debt, Kathryn Hahn spitefully remarks that [[BlackComedy she just felt her baby die inside her]]. Seth Rogan, in response, [[{{Corpsing}} begins helplessly laughing]].
* While talking about how bringing up the Japanese internment camps is bad form, he decides to show the scene of Film/HydeParkOnHudson where [[{{Squick}} FDR gets a handjob from his distant cousin]] [[SoBadItsGood while in the middle of a field of flowers with soft focus cinematography.]] After showing it, he says, "Did I have to show you that? No. Did I want to show you that? Absolutely I did."
* This speech from George Bush Sr. that John Oliver adds onto with his commentary:
-->'''George H.W. Bush:''' This is crack cocaine. Seized a few days ago by drug enforcement agents in a park just across the street from the white house. It could easily have been heroin or PCP. It's as innocent looking as candy. And now, with the help of this bag's contents, I shall ascend into the cosmos on the wings of a dragon to a place where joy is everlasting and fear is but a memory! ''(snort)'' LET'S DO THIS THING! LET'S DO THIS THING Y'ALL!!!!!
* The ContinuityCavalcade in the season finale: John brings out several of his past mascots, Wanda Jo and the wooden phallus from his church, the band that does his theme song, and [[https://www.facebook.com/jilltwiss/media_set?set=a.10156253652895717.1073741835.669590716&type=3 Janice from Accounting in person.]] She steals his chair and his mug.
* When talking about the Washington Redskins getting their trademarks cancelled by federal courts for offensive names, John brings up their counter-attack: pointing out all the trademarks that have been approved with even more offensive names. These names cannot be mentioned on prime time news because of how ''hilariously'' offensive they are, but [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4kSBzjiI6o HBO has no such restrictions.]] "I could go on, so I will!"
-->'''John:''' Oh, sorry, I forgot to mention: if you have children in the room, they should have left before the previous thirty seconds.
* On Mohammad Usafi, a translator who worked with US forces, getting his name changed to FNU (First Name Unknown) Mohammad on his SIV visa (that he had spent far too long trying to get):
-->"Fnu is fnot a fnucking fname!"
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Season One (2014)]]
* The very first line of the show is actually a subversion a what would become the running "Welcome, welcome, welcome..." greeting: "Welcome, welcome, welcome to whatever this is."
* The first use of celebrities, responding to a cutesy ad for a website that didn't work with [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dh9munYYoqQ a similar deal starring Lisa Loeb.]]
* During his segment on [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XV5w8OFrm6U Nintendo's lack of same-sex marriages]] in ''VideoGame/TomodachiLife'', John shows a few clips of Nintendo's other characters enjoying those rights. Mario and Link kiss, Peach and Zelda have a SexyDiscretionShot, Yoshi marries Toad (complete with Yoshi doubling in size by kissing him), and finally, Bowser (with a mustache) receiving death benefits after his longtime partner Donkey Kong passes away. To make up for that last one, it then cuts to Bowser and Donkey Kong both alive and well, now having brunch together.
* In the segment on police militarization, a real-life advert for a police [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M113_armored_personnel_carrier M113 armored personnel carrier]] [[note]]Ex-Cold-War-era, and by 2030 will have been phased out in favor of the Bradley and Stryker series of [=APCs=].[[/note]] is shown. The advert is ridiculously over-the-top, and accompanied by a song called "Die Motherfucker Die."
-->'''John:''' ''[singing like a heavy metal singer]'' WE'RE GONNA STOP A BURGLARY AT LITTLE CAESAR'S, WE'RE GONNA STOP A BURGLARY AT LITTLE CAESAR'S, ARGH, ARRRRGH!!!
* Creator/StephenHawking himself administering multiple third degree metaphorical burns to Oliver over the course of their short interview.
--> '''John:''' You've stated that you believe there could be an infinite number of parallel universes, does that mean... that there is a universe out there... where I am smarter than you?\\
'''Stephen:''' Yes. [[TakeThat And also a universe where you're funny.]]
** John follows that train of thought, to see if there are any universes where he gets to go on a date with Creator/CharlizeTheron:
--->'''Stephen:''' No.\\
'''John:''' What, not at all? In ''no univers--''\\
'''Stephen:''' No.\\
'''John:''' In none of the infinite universes does that happen.\\
'''Stephen:''' No.\\
'''John:''' It's ''completely'' beyond the bounds of scientific possibility, is what you're saying.\\
'''Stephen:''' Yes.\\
'''John:''' ''[{{beat}}]'' ...Quick follow-up question: in any of those of potential universes am ''I'' the one rejecting ''her'', and that's why it doesn't work?\\
'''Stephen:''' No. You do realize that typing a response is difficult for me, correct?\\
'''John:''' Ok, yeah, sure, I'm just trying to play this out, see if there are any hypothetical universe--\\
'''Stephen:''' No.
** He then tries to put Hawking's IQ to the test.
--->'''John:''' Look, if you're so smart, what number am I thinking of--\\
'''Stephen:''' Thirteen.\\
'''John:''' ...It was-it was thirteen, I was thinking of thirteen... Um... Okay, that was a lucky guess, what am I thinking right now?\\
'''Stephen:''' That you've been a huge disappointment to your family.\\
'''John:'''...''[swallows]'' I wasn't thinking that. Why would I think that? Y'know, I'm trying as hard as I can. Why is that so hard for them to understand, hypothetically? I wasn't thinking that.
* The entire segment about [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3IaKVmkXuk Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott]].
-->"Australia is for ''real'' Australians, like Tony Abbott, who was actually born in London, England."
* When discussing FIFA's request that Brazil change the law in order to allow alcohol in sports stadiums, they played a clip of a French FIFA official asking them to do so.[[note]]The official in question, Jérôme Valcke, later expressed concern afterwards at the unruly nature of many drunken fans, which inspired a follow-up segment bluntly titled "Fuck That Guy".[[/note]] John then continues:
-->'''John:''' ''[in French accent]'' Maybe I look a beet arrogahnt, but uh, how you say, fuck your laws, and your pooblic saff-ty. Is zat right?
** Also, regarding the fact that FIFA has a billion dollars in the bank when the chairman says that they're non-profit.
--->'''Sepp Blatter:''' This a reserve.\\
'''John:''' A reserve? A reserve of a billion dollars. When your rainy day fund is so big you've got to check it for [[PooledFunds swimming]] [[ComicBook/TheLifeAndTimesOfScroogeMcduck cartoon ducks]], you might not be a non-profit anymore.
** John's comment on Blatter suggesting having players wear "[[HotterAndSexier shorter shorts]]" as a way to make women's soccer more popular:
--->'''John:''' ''[in full SarcasmMode]'' Great idea. Put the ladies in hot pants, call it "Foxy Soccer", and, while you're at it, tighten up the jerseys, maybe replace the ball with a plate of hot wings and f''[bleep]''k it, [[FanserviceWithASmile let's just open a Hooters!]]
** John comparing money to pubic hair, and FIFA to wax -- "They're gonna be all over you during the World Cup, but they're taking ''all'' the money with them, including some from places you didn't even know you had any money! Leaving you teary-eyed going 'Jesus, what happened to you?! Wha? What happened? I'm never doing this again!'"
** John comparing the design of FIFA's boardroom with the war room from ''Film/DrStrangelove''.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dH573B1bkHI "Antarctica: Stop Coming Here!"]]
* When pandering while describing the issue with Dr. Oz, Oliver brings on Creator/GeorgeRRMartin to demonstrate pandering.
-->'''John:''' Hey, George. How's the [[Literature/ASongOfIceAndFire writing]] going?\\
'''George:''' ''[on Skype]'' [[TrollingCreator I just killed three of your favorite characters.]]\\
'''John:''' What?! It's not Arya? It's not Arya, is it!? George, it's not Arya? Please tell me it's not Arya! GIVE ME A CLUE, DAMN YOU, MARTIN!\\
'''George:''' ''[[[ShrugOfGod shrugs]]]''
* In setting up his interview with Pepe Julian Onziema, a Uganda LGBT activist, John showed a clip from a [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKP-PUAI96U Ugandan morning show]] that Pepe was on. The first question out of the interviewer's mouth was "Why are you gay?" Naturally, thinking this is how all interviews in Uganda start, John had this as his first question for Pepe.
** Martin Ssempa, the furious Ugandan anti-gay pastor best known stateside for inspiring the MemeticMutation "EAT DA POO POO" [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euXQbZDwV0w with one of his lectures]], is featured in several clips both sermonizing and angrily pestering Onziema on said talk show; [[{{Narm}} his public speaking hasn't improved since then]].
* The fake attack ads against Allison Grimes and Mitch [=McConnell=]. Especially the latter.
-->For too long, politics in Washington have been dominated by old, white, wrinkled dicks. And no dick is older, whiter, or wrinklier than Mitch [=McConnell=]'s.\\
''(a close shot of an old, white, wrinkled penis appears)''\\
Think about that, Kentucky. And don't just think about it -- ''look at it''.
* The [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKMNKS-9ugY discussion of gambling addiction commercials in Singapore]].
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGtb1YfJ2vo When discussing Kansas possibly profiting from porn]], John rattles off a series of ParallelPornTitles, capping with (to milk ''Film/TheWizardOfOz'' connection) "Swallow the Yellow Dicks' Load".
** He takes it all the way. He describes the various items for sale, and advises people to treat this like a charity auction, where people overpay for things that they don't really need. This is finished with him advising the people of Kansas to buy an 18-inch double dildo and proudly display it in their living room, and when they have guests over, to take it off the shelf and wave it in the faces of the guests.
* John Oliver, sad over the broken prison system of America, tries to talk to a bunch of Muppet children about his worries. One of the kids says that his dad is in jail for a minor drug offense. John agrees with the kid that his dad probably shouldn't be in prison for that. But then one girl speaks up.
-->'''Muppet Girl:''' Well, my daddy's in prison because he killed four people!\\
'''John:''' ''[a little stunned]'' Well, okay, he's actually a dangerous individual who NEEDS to be in prison.
** As well as the crocodile whose father is behind bars too... at a zoo.
--->'''Crocodile:''' Well, it looks the same to him.\\
''(later)''\\
'''John Oliver:''' Those are zoos! Those are ''zoos'', your dad is an alligator in a zoo!\\
'''Crocodile:''' I'm a crocodile. ''I'm'' a ''crocodile''! Oh, we ''all'' [[DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything look alike, right?]]\\
'''Monster:''' Ah, Jesus. [[HereWeGoAgain Here we go.]]
** You can see John Oliver {{Corpsing}} after the above line, covering his mouth to hide his smile. He recovers in time to respond to the crocodile with a straight face.
** Also, he talks about how someone had sugar put in their C-section. The Monster kid then asks what a C-section is, if it's the Letter C (which he pulls out). John Oliver says [[SureLetsGoWithThat that's what he means.]]
* A good portion of his [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Y1ya-yF35g Nuclear Weapons segment]] is him detailing the utter ineptitude of the system and people watching over these Nuclear Weapons, culminating in:
--> Let's recap: That within the last 12 months, we were in a situation of the event of us launching a nuclear strike, the president's command would have theoretically [[ItMakesSenseInContext gone through a man gambling with fake poker chips, who would have then tried to call a drunk guy wrestling with a Russian George Harrison, who would have needed to send someone with a bag full of burritos to wake up an officer and tell him to grab an LP-sized floppy disk]] and begin the solemn process of ending the world as we know it!
** There was also this:
--->Some of our most powerful weapons are Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles, I.C.B.M., which is both an acronym, and what you would say if you saw one coming at you. That's a little joke for all you [[ToiletHumour gastroenterologists ]] out there.
* Due to laws in Thailand that prohibit insulting their monarchy, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpaxqaTOoR0 John is put on their military watch list]] (as a threat, no less) after he does a segment mocking said monarchy. His response is to complain about their reveal of his middle name and to promptly burn several more bridges by insulting all the monarchies of countries that have similar laws.
* Syrian president Bashad al Assad has LMFAO and Right Said Fred among his iTunes purchases. The former leads John to note that "a guy with the political interests of a young Joseph Stalin and the music tastes of a 14-year-old girl from Orange County named Tiffany.” The latter [[ParodyAssistance brings Right Said Fred to sing a version of "I'm Too Sexy"]] ("You're an Asshole"). And John looks downright giddy [[http://ajournalofmusicalthings.com/wp-content/uploads/Right-Said-Fred-and-John-Oliver.jpg carrying a sign]].
* During the coverage of the Argentine banking default, when it's revealed that one of the American hedge funds that lent to the government apparently tried to repossess one of the country's naval crafts after they couldn't sufficiently pay their debts:
-->'''John:''' Just... just think about that. A secretive millionaire's hedge fund essentially boat-jacked a warship, like [[RuthlessModernPirates a Somali pirate]] in [[CorruptCorporateExecutive an Armani suit]].\\
''(picture of [[Film/CaptainPhillips Barkhad Abdi as Muse]] wearing a gray three-piece appears on-screen)''\\
'''John:''' ''[[MemeticMutation I am the captain of industry now! I am the captain!]]''
* When covering the issue of the Wage Gap between men and women, John closes the show with a faux commercial for "Ladybucks", a way for corporations to pay women the same amount of money as men, but with the value being 83 percent the value of actual currency. One notable payoff is when a female employee gives her male employer a "thumbs up" when he peeks in her cubicle, but then [[FlippingTheBird flips him off with both hands]] the second his back is turned.
** The SideEffectsInclude gag capping off the Ladybucks add (which honestly should be what happens to businesses using the wage gap):
--->"Use of Ladybucks may result in [[HilaritySues class action lawsuits]], [[ZeroPercentApprovalRating adverse publicity]], [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere failure to retain staff]], [[GroinAttack or being kicked in the dick]].
* The entire discussion on the Scottish Independence debate, especially [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YkLPxQp_y0&feature=player_detailpage#t=346 John's mini-rant]] on British Prime Minister David Cameron.
-->'''News Clip:''' He's seen in Scotland as the personification of everything that's wrong with England and the UK.\\
'''John Oliver:''' Yeah, I agree with that. [[StopBeingStereotypical He embodies all the things I hate most about England]] and ''I'm English!'' Let me prove this to you. ''(photo of several Oxford University students, including Cameron)'' This is a picture of him as a student at Oxford. He's in ''f[[SoundEffectBleep ***]]ing'' [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tailcoat tails]]! Now, Cameron says he's desperately embarrassed by that photo, which is why [[BlatantLies it pains me so much to be showing it to you.]]
* ''Law and Order: Civil Asset Forfeiture Unit'', featuring more than a few cameos from ''[[Series/LawAndOrderCriminalIntent Criminal Intent]]''.
** And during the credits, Creator/JeffGoldblum even repeats a line that inspired a great retort from John: [[https://youtu.be/3kEpZWGgJks?t=5m13s “Tenny Mucho Mucho Deniro in Su Trucky Trailer”.]][[note]]The officer actually said "Tiene mucho mucho dinero en su truck y trailer?" His grammar was actually decent (save for not knowing the Spanish words for "truck" and "trailer"). His ''[[WhatTheHellIsThatAccent accent]]'', on the other hand...[[/note]]
* The "How Is This Still a Thing?" segment on Columbus Day, points out that Christopher Columbus is hardly someone to look up to, seeing how he was involved in the enslavement and murder of many Native Americans. It is then suggested that Italian Americans should find someone more admirable to celebrate as a hero:
-->Why not Music/FrankSinatra Day? He killed no Native Americans... [[BaitAndSwitch that we know of]].
* The reason why robots in home improvement retailers are not a good idea, plus the follow-up [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boI4D1FlIVs Home Depot Commercial]].
* Basically, the entire first few minutes of the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIMgfBZrrZ8&list=UU3XTzVzaHQEd30rQbuvCtTQ State Legislatures and ALEC]] episode showing how they're basically {{Cloudcuckoolander}}s full of racist and loud, angry people. Though, it quickly goes into FridgeHorror territory when he says they're the ones passing most bills. [[MoodWhiplash Yes]], [[NotSoHarmless those loud, angry, and racist people pass more bills]] ''[[OhCrap than Congress.]]''
** The part where Duvall and Miller, two California state legislators, [[DidIJustSayThatOutLoud talk about their spanking fetish into a microphone that they]] ''[[IsThisThingStillOn didn't know was turned on]]'' is funny in its own right, but John's TakeThat just [[SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome takes it]].
--->'''John:''' It's not really a surprise that you made that mistake with a microphone, you don't seem like someone who can tell whether something's turned on or not.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9qA8c-E_oA The Salmon Cannon]], in which John goes ShamuFu on a truly impressive number of celebrities. Naturally, the first victim is Creator/JonStewart while hosting ''Series/TheDailyShowWithJonStewart'', who looks at where the salmon landed with a "dafuq?" expression. The reactions of the other celebrities are ''priceless''. Among others...
** Two characters from ''Series/TheYoungAndTheRestless'' ''desperately'' trying to maintain dramatic tension despite one of them getting hit in the face by a salmon, and staring at her partner incredibly awkwardly.
** Creator/JimmyFallon's "thank you notes" skit is interrupted by him getting blasted by not one but ''two'' salmon in short succession.
** Creator/TomHanks getting annoyed when he gets hit a ''second time''.
--->'''Tom''': HEY!
** Wanda Sykes gets hit in the face.
--->'''Wanda''': ...what the hell?!
** Creator/DavidLetterman holding the salmon that landed on his table in utter confusion.
** Creator/WayneBrady getting smacked briefly while hosting ''Series/LetsMakeADeal''--a show that's already pretty weird.
** Creator/JJAbrams getting annoyed and [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere outright quitting directing]] ''Film/TheForceAwakens''. Shortly before [=R2D2=] gets hit with a salmon as well.
--->'''[=R2D2=]''': ''(electronic squawk)''\\
'''Chewbacca''': ''(wookiee roar)''\\
'''JJ''': SHUT UP, CHEWIE.
** A certain someone on ''Series/GreysAnatomy'' giving a "I don't get paid enough for this shit" look after getting hit. [[BlackComedy Her patient also flatlines.]]
** And, last but not least, [[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Homer Simpson]] [[ButtMonkey getting hit repeatedly in the face until he gets buried in salmon.]] Followed by a muffled [[CatchPhrase "Mmm, salmon..."]]
--->'''Website/YouTube comment:''' I wish all those shots had happened on those shows that night, with no context or explanation.
* The [[http://youtu.be/AJKfs4ZnbNE?t=3m11s parody ad]] attacking the Washington Redskins name.
* In his segment on [[https://youtu.be/PDylgzybWAw payday loans]], John points out that many payday loan companies get celebrities to star in ads to help boost their publicity. In response, he shows a parody ad featuring Creator/SarahSilverman, where she recommends a wonderful alternative to taking out a payday loan: "Anything Else", i.e. she suggests doing ''literally'' anything else instead of dealing with the predatory industry of payday loans. Some of her suggestions include selling sperm or blood, throwing oneself in front of a rich guy's car because he'll throw money to make the person leave, and for seniors, [[ScrewPolitenessImASenior taking things, because who would stop an old person?]]
-->'''Sarah:''' The point is, no decision in your life will be worse than dealing with these payday loan motherfuckers. ''(The word "MOTHERFUCKERS" appears on-screen to reinforce her point)'' [[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment They're motherfuckers! They're fuckers of mothers!]]
* In the Student Debt segment, John expresses shock that for-profit colleges can cost five to six times as much as community college, then says that for that price, [[ActorAllusion you should really get to hang out with]] [[Series/{{Community}} a study group full of lovable scamps for six seasons and a movie.]]
[[/folder]]

---> '''John:''' Whoa! Careful there, Joe, what if Bibi ''hears'' you? Nothing shames the guy comfortable with bombing hospitals and refugee camps like knowing that six thousand miles away, an eighty-one year old is muttering PG-13 words under his breath? What's next, is Biden gonna whisper "What a dick" into a seashell and toss it into the ocean?