History Funny / AChristmasStory

** What makes the scene even funnier is that as Ralphie is frantically trying to decode the message while Randy, and then Mrs. Parker, are pounding on the door because the former really has to go, the dramatic music swells to where it sounds tragic as the adult Ralphie frantically narrates that ''the fate of the planet could be hanging in the balance!!!''

** What makes the scene even funnier is that as Ralphie is frantically trying to decode the message while Randy, and then Mrs. Parker are pounding on the door because the former really has to go, the dramatic music swells to where it sounds tragic as the adult Ralphie frantically narrates that ''the fate of the planet could be hanging in the balance!!!''

--->''[Mrs. Parker covers the mouthpiece to whisper the word Ralphie said]''\\

'''Mrs. Parker:''' Do you know where he heard that word?\\

'''Mrs. Parker:''' NO! He heard it from ''your son''!\\

--->'''Ralphie as Adult:''' With as much dignity as he could muster, the Old Man gathered up the sad remains of his shattered major award. Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. Now I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of "{{Taps}}" being played, gently.

-->'''The Old Man:''' Serves you right, you smelly buggers!

--->'''Ralphie as Adult:''' With as much dignity as he could muster, the Old Man gathered up the sad remains of his shattered major award. Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. Now I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of "Taps" being played, gently.

--->'''Santa''': HO! Ho! Ho!
--->'''Randy''': Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh!
--->'''Santa''': Oh. Uh-oh... (Quickly hands him off to elf.)

--->'''Grover''': (running away) I'M TELLING MY DAD!

-->'''The Old Man:''' He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny!
-->'''Mrs. Parker:''' He does not!
-->'''The Old Man:''' He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare!

-->'''Ralphie:''' Oh [[NarrativeProfanityFilter FFFFFFUUUUUUDDDDDGGGEEEE...]]
-->'''Ralphie as Adult:''' ''[narrating]'' Only I didn't say fudge. It was ''the'' word! The big one! The queen mother of dirty words! The "[[SymbolSwearing F dash dash dash]]" word!
-->'''The Old Man:''' What did you say?
-->'''Ralphie:''' ''[mutters incoherently]''
-->'''The Old Man:''' That's what I thought you said...
-->'''Ralphie as Adult:''' It was all over... I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Huh. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.

--> '''Mrs. Shields:''' "I said, has anyone seen Flick?"\\

'''Mrs. Shields''': "Yes, Esther Jane?"\\

'''Mrs. Shields''': "Oh my '''''god!'''''"\\
* Realizing that sending out for that decoder pin was all for naught, as the "secret message" broadcast on the radio was [[AC:Be sure to [[ProductPlacement drink your Ovaltine]].]] And Ralphie's reaction:
-->'''Ralphie''': Ovaltine? A crummy ''commercial?'' ...[[PrecisionFStrike Son of a bitch!]]

-->'''The Old Man:''' ''(dancing a jig)'' Tonight! Tonight! It’s coming tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Hot damn, tonight!
--->The Old Man is so happy he even opens the door to let the next-door neighbors dogs have a go at his pants before accidentally slamming the door on one of the poor dogs' tail!

-->'''The Old Man:''' ''(reading the lettering on the crate)'' Fra-gee-lay. It must be Italian!
-->'''Mrs. Parker:''' I think that says "Fragile".

--> '''[[Film/TheWizardOfOz Wicked Witch]]:''' What a ''tasty'' little boy!
--> '''Ralphie:''' Don't bother me. I'm uh...thinking.
--> '''Wicked Witch:''' *shrugs*

--> '''Ralph as an adult''': My old man could replace a fuse faster than a jackrabbit on a date. He bought them by the gross.

--> '''Ralphie:''' I bet you'll never guess what I got you for Christmas!
--> '''The Old Man:''' ''[gets glassy-eyed]'' A new furnace.
--> '''Ralphie:''' Haha, that's a good one, Dad.
--> '''The Old Man:''' ''[[[CloudCuckoolander slowly lowers his gaze in disappointment]]]''
--> '''Narrator:''' My old man was one of the most feared furnace fighters in northern Indiana.

-->'''Ralph as an adult''': In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.
* Scut Farkus's incredibly [[LargeHam hammy]] EvilLaugh.

--->'''The Old Man''': Yes, it's a beautiful duck, it really is, but you see, it's...''[raises the duck's head]''\\
'''Manager''': What?\\
'''The Old Man''': It's ''smiling'' at me!\\
'''Manager''': Oh! ''[laughs, then immediately picks up a cleaver and chops its head off in one motion, causing another shriek of hysterics from Mrs. Parker]'' OK?\\
'''The Old Man''': ''[beat]'' Yes! ''[the family applauds in appreciation]''\\
'''Ralphie''': ''[voice over]'' That Christmas would live in our memories as the Christmas when we were introduced to Chinese turkey. All was right with the world.

--> '''The Old Man:''' Serves you right, you smelly buggers!

--> '''Mom:''' Don't shoot any animals or birds!
--> '''The Old Man:''' Except the Bumpuses' dogs! ''(chuckles evilly)''