The mysterious woman who may or may not be controlling the whole thing.
- Game Face: When sending you back to the mainland from the boat, she opens her mouth impossibly wide and breathes stun gas at you. It's unnerving.
- Four Eyes, Zero Soul
- Limited Wardrobe: She wears a black skirt below her knees, a red turtleneck sweater, and round, copper-framed glasses, blonde hair tied back in a bun, and black steel-toed boots with an unknown reddish-brown substance on them. Even in the sweltering bowels of the FailBoat. This is Lampshaded.