Well, this was unexpected.
The gym had a maze inside it. Who puts a maze inside a gym? Where are the weights, the treadmills, the aerobics instructors? This gym didn't seem to have any of those! Or maybe... to get to the equipment and instructors, the maze must be navigated through! That's actually kind of stupid.
The maze wasn't even that difficult to navigate through, and I was soon out of it. Yet there was still no equipment in sight, the only thing in front of me was a woman on a raised platform. Maybe I had come out the wrong exit? She might be the leader, although I would have expected someone more buff.
Me: So... are you the leader or what?
Woman: Indeed! I am Roxanne, the Rustboro Gym Leader!
Me: Are you aware that this gym is actually kind of shitty?
Roxanne: W-why would you say such a thing?
Me: There's no equipment, no instructors, you put a fucking maze in the middle of it... do you even know how to run a gym?
Roxanne: I have three trainers, thank you very much! Did you not meet them in the maze?
Me: Oh, so you have personal trainers. That's something, but they won't do of much help without any equipment to use. And no, I didn't see any of them while making my way through.
Roxanne: Personal trainers? I don't think you have the right idea-
Me: Not that it matters, really. I'm only here for the gym badge and all, so let's fight!
Roxanne: Very well. It's rude to cut people off, but as a gym leader I must accept any and all requests to-
Hands balled into fists, I lunged forward, throwing my right arm forward as hard as I could, striking her in the boob. She gasped and collapsed to the ground, clutching her chest in pain.
Me: Looks like I overestimated you, Roxy. I had expected the Gym Leader to be much tougher than that. Can I have the badge now?
Roxanne: Please... don't... call me... that.
Me: Jeez, you really can't take a punch, can ya?
I squatted down, patiently waiting for her to catch her breath.
Me: Quit being a sissy, Roxy!
Roxanne's face was still red, but she seemed to have gotten her breath back.
Me: Badge now?
Roxanne: You... idiot! We were supposed to have a Pokemon battle, not fight each other!
Me: Ohhhh. Really glad I didn't decide to use the Quick Claw then. That would've been awkward.
Roxanne: I'm feeling pretty awkward already.
Me: Oh, there's no need for that. You can't blame yourself for this misunderstanding!
Roxanne: Trust me, I'm not.
Me: Swell. So are your Pokemon ready?
Roxanne: Do you really think I'm going to let you battle me after this? GET OUT!
Me: Pretty sure you were saying something about having to accept any challenges before I punched you. Isn't that right?
Roxanne: Argh... fine. But first, prove yourself by fighting my trainers, inside the maze!
And so I returned to the maze, in search of the gym trainers. And I ended up back at the entrance again without seeing anyone. She better not have been lying about those three trainers.
Next to one of the stone pillars by the entrance, I spotted a man in a suit facing away from me. Thinking he was one of the trainers, I approached him, but he introduced himself as Jim Gai, the guide to the Pokemon League's various Gyms.
Me: There's more of these dumps?
Jim: That's correct! Eight gyms in total, and you'll need to beat each one of them to become the Champion!
Me: Champion of what, exactly?
Jim: The Pokemon League itself! The Champion is the greatest Pokemon trainer of all the region, that is. It's not even a national title. It's my job to give you the advice you need to reach that goal!
Me: Finally, I have a goal! Advise away, Gai!
Jim: First of all, Roxanne uses ROCK-type Pokemon. They resist NORMAL-type attacks, and are weak to WATER and GRASS. Secondly... I noticed that you didn't seem to find any of the gym's trainers. Go straight up the middle path for the first, then come back up here and go straight up the left. Good luck!
Thanking Jim for his advise, I examined my party. Greg was my strongest, at level 15, but I couldn't rely on him to obey me. Next was Porygon at level 12, following by Teddiursa at level 5 and Carl at level 4. Furthermore, those three were all normal types.
I decided I should train the weaklings up if I wanted to stand a chance, so I left the Gym and headed out to Route 116. I realised that since this was a new route, I should try to catch the first Pokemon I came across. I ran through the grass, until a wild Slaking jumped out at me!
Me: Oh, hell yes.
I sent out Porygon, determined to capture the giant... sloth gorilla thing. Unfortunately, I had completely forgotten that Porygon had trace as its ability. With both Porygon and the Slaking just loafing around like couch potatoes, I lobbed multiple Pokeballs at Slaking until I captured the bastard. For something so lazy, it sure was difficult to keep in a Pokeball.
As the Slaking was male, I decided to name him Kevin. He has a Gentle nature, and is at level 6. Thanks to Kevin, I now have a full team. Now it was time for some serious training.
An hour later on Route 104, I bent over with my hands on my knees, panting. I looked around at all the Pokécorpses around me and was satisfied with the results. I was well on my way to mastering the Quick Claw, and I would be sure to make Claw-sensei proud. I was about to head back into town when I remembered that I hadn't actually trained my Pokemon at all.
Me: All right Carl, you're up first.
Carl's razor sharp claws tore through the wild Pokemon with ease, and soon he was level 5. It was then I decided that one day, Carl would be my successor and carry on the Quick Claw legacy. It seemed like it was made for him, and I was starting to get misty eyed as he mowed down the fleeing Pokemon. Suddenly, a Hitmontop appeared, and using its fearsome appearance to intimidate Carl.
Me: You're only delaying your defeat! Carl, Scratch his face off!
Carl launched himself at the Hitmontop, delivering a beautiful Scratch. Unfortunately, the Hitmontop shrugged it off, and counter-attacked. It moved so fast that I wasn't sure what technique was used, but I heard a dull thud as Carl's lifeless body landed at my feet.
Me: Carl... not you... not now...
I cradled his body in my arms as I sent out Greg. Greg saw Carl's body, and didn't hesitate to listen when I ordered him to attack the Hitmontop. Greg's Psybeam engulfed the Hitmontop, disintegrating his body.
Back at Rustboro, I placed Carl's body into the PC. I'd need to give him a proper burial, later.
I returned to Route 104 to resume my training, this time leading with Tediursa. I slipped up before, but it won't happen again. The first Pokemon we encountered was a Regice, and I decided not to fight, knowing that Tediursa would be less likely to survive an Explosion. Very soon, Teddiursa was level 7, and had learned Lick. I was glad to have something other than a Normal type attack, but the base power was too low to be of any use, so I resumed training.
I kept being careful while training Teddiursa and Kevin, and if their health got low I switched out to Greg, who seemed to be better about following orders. I wonder if Carl's death had made him take this more seriously?
Whatever the case, once Teddiursa and Kevin had reached level 12 I decided to finish up with the training, packing my tire iron away. Neither of them had learnt any more moves, and I let them know how disappointed I was in them for wasting my time. Looks like I'll be relying on Porygon for this one.
Back at the gym, I took the middle path to face down the first trainer. I sent out Porygon, and prepared myself to truly be tested.
Youngster: Go, Geodude!
Ohyouhavetobefuckingkiddingme.
Porygon took his single Geodude out with ease, and I shook my head in disgust and went onto the next trainer. That kid was probably just the black sheep of the gym, anyway.
Youngster: Go, Geodude! Geodude II has got your back!
Ugh. Crushing both Geodude, I moved onto the final trainer. This one was actually an adult, and my expectations rose.
Hiker: You'll never get passed my double Geodude ultimate combo!
Me: ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING GEODUDE
After cleaning up all the blood, I stepped over the three bodies and walked up to Roxanne.
Me: I defeated your trainers and then some, now it's our turn to battle! You best be prepared!
Roxanne: I am always prepared for challenges! Behold, my Geodude!
Me: EVERYONE I'VE FOUGHT HERE HAS USED NOTHING BUT GEODUDE!
Roxanne: Yeah, well, you've used nothing but Porygon so far.
Me: ...Porygon, used Psybeam.
The Geodude survived, and dropping a stack of rocks on Porygon. Roxanne decided to heal her Geodude with a Potion, and I took the opportunity to have Porygon use Conversion 2 to change into a Fighting-type. Geodude's next attack missed, and Porygon finished it off.
Roxanne: I'm not finished off! Next up, GEODUDE!
Me: They'll never find your body.
The Geodude was downed in two Psybeams, and Porygon's health was starting to get low despite resisting the last Geodude's Rock Tomb. I decided to keep Porygon in the fight, since I was confident it could handle Roxanne's last Pokemon.
Roxanne: It comes down to this, Nosepass!
Whoa, a Pokemon other than Geodude? Someone pinch me, I must be dreaming! It's about time I got to face something else. The Nosepass was tough, barely taking any damage from Porygon's Psybeam. Porygon continued wearing it down with repeated Psybeams, which took a while due to Nosepass' bulk and Oran Berry healing it. Nosepass used Block on Porygon after bring it down into the red with Rock Tomb, so I couldn't switch out. If Psybeam didn't knock Nosepass out now, Porygon would be finished.
Porygon fired its last Psybeam, hitting Roxy's Nosepass dead on. At first, it seemed like nothing happened, until Nosepass slowly tipped backwards and collapsed. Roxanne let out a sigh and presented me with the Rustboro Gym badge, congratulating me on my victory.
Roxanne: I also have a gift, for you. It's a TM containing Rock-
Me: I love Rock music! Thanks, Roxy!
I raised my gym badge in the air triumphantly.
Me: Finally, Greg will starting obeying me again!
