Well, I was going to liveblog chapter 25 of Fallout: Equestria, but then it occurred to me there's something lingering here. There were two other stories this blog was supposed to cover but have fallen off the radar. The first was The Ballad of Twilight Sparkle, which, after reading chapter 2 I found wasn't really particularly terrible and thus not really satisfying target for mockery. The second was Romance Reports, which I kinda lost steam on after chapter 8. Mainly because chapter 8 was a huge crock of shit.
Okay, then. Chapter 9 of Romance Reports. It's titled "Going Right For the Goods," and is twelve thousand words long. First, however, the story so far:
Twilight has a crush on Princess Luna. Princess Luna, however, will not date her until she learns more about romance, so she's been tasked with learning about romance and sending her reports. This has largely amounted to a few one-night stands, first with Rarity after a double-date didn't work out and they decided to screw each other instead, and then with Braeburn, who has now fallen in love with her and this has made Applejack mad. So now Rainbow Dash says she's gonna find Twilight Sparkle a date with a mare, and she then proceeded to tell Twilight about how she went on a date with Rarity, but that fell apart because Rarity wouldn't let Rainbow Dash give her an orgasm after they made out and something something I really don't care.
So we cut back to Twilight and Rainbow Dash - oh yeah, way to blab to someone about something you promised you'd keep a secret, Element of Loyalty - and Rainbow Dash says that they're friends again, but Twilight thinks that since the thing was never actually resolved they should do something about it.
Anyway, they proceed, and Rainbow Dash volunteers herself as the mare for Twilight to date. This is surprising, because... wait, no, it isn't fucking surprising at all, given that A. shipping in this fandom generally consists of putting the six main characters around a roulette, and B. Rainbow Dash suggest this in the first fucking chapter.
She takes a long, hard look at Rainbow Dash. Her friend has that cocky smile she always gets, but there's the slightest hint of nervousness in her eyes. Twilight can't help but dart her eyes up to that wild, multi-colored mane and down over Dash's slim frame, tracing the curve of her neck and her firm, strong forelegs...
Yup, definitely turned on all of a sudden.
Anyway, cut to later, Twilight is about to head up to Rainbow Dash's place in her balloon, and Rarity comes by. She's a little surprised, wishes her well, but seems uneasy about something...
Okay. I seriously have no idea what the fuck is Rarity's deal. Seriously, I don't get it. What, does she still have feelings for Twilight but can't admit them or something? You know what? I really don't care. I'm sure that an answer will be provided, and it will be just as much of an irritating waste of time as the question.
Yet I continue to read this.
Anyway, Twilight gives her a kiss on the cheek before she goes up. Yadda yadda yadda, goes to Rainbow Dash's house, she's a slob, trying to cook dinner but she's terrible at it, and now I have to actually continue reading because this is as far as I got last time.
I'm sorry. This is just... I don't get it. There are a lot of things I don't get. I mean, some bad fics I can kinda get - a lot of those shitty "brony in Equestria" stories might appeal on some escapist level. Same with a lot of those dumb second-person shipfics. Hell, The Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine might be as stupid as stupid gets, but I can still regard it as some sort of guilty pleasure. Other things I don't get. I have a slightly harder time wrapping my head around the appeal of Fallout: Equestria, but at least I can process things on some level. At least shit happens in that story. This, however...
Romance Reports is very well-regarded in this fandom by most people who've read it and who don't think that the avalanche of porn is a blight upon the fandom. People regard it as a deeply moving story that "happens to have clop in it." People praise the characterizations. People say that it has a good plot outside of the porn.
I... I don't fucking get it. I've read eight fucking chapters of this. That's approximately fifty-one thousand words. That's kinda novel-length. And... it's terrible. There is nothing good about this story. It's dull, dull, dull, dull, dull. I know I rag on about Fallout: Equestria being dull, but... at the very least, shit actually happens in it. This story? Nothing happens. It's just a great big pile of nothing. Even if you got rid of all the shitty porn (and it is shitty porn, as is the other shitty porn by this author) you'd be left with a big mess of... of nothing.
I've read ship-fics before. Some of them I've really liked, like It's Always Sunny in Fillydelphia, or My Time Among Clothes Hangars. Others have been okay, others have been varying on the range of sappy or stupid or whatever. But at least Always Sunny had oodles of charm. On a Cross and an Arrow might not've been as good as I remember it, but if nothing else, Rarity ogling her male doppelgänger was at least funny.
This story, on the other hand, has no appeal that I can discern whatsoever. People praise the characterization. What characterization? Fuck, even in the show the characters boil down to recognizable archetypes, but this story just makes them obnoxious. They are as follows:
- Rainbow Dash: "Hey everyone, have I mentioned how bisexual I am? Because I'm bisexual. Look how I am so up in your expectations and defying them!"
- Applejack: "I'm a prude. Though really I'm a sore virgin who's just jealous that Twilight can get laid and I can't."
- Fluttershy: "I have the hots for Big Macintosh."
- Pinkie Pie: "I'm loud and I have no sense of propriety! Kind of like in the show, but terrible!"
- Rarity: I'm not even going to bother trying to figure it out, the story's gonna give me some stupid resolution there. Or maybe it won't.
And the plot... what plot? Nothing has happened except for that Braeburn bullshit.
I get that I'm kinda stopping the recap to go into this rant, but there's a reason for this. I have gathered that people regard chapter 9 as something of the turning point in this story, where it becomes something more than a clopfic or some bullshit like that. I'm leaving this here as a reminder of sorts that even if, by some crazy feat of literary prowress, the rest of chapter 9, and the rest of the story are somehow good (it probably won't be), and my future self is impressed and/or suffers a concussion and thinks "gee, this is really good, what did I ever complain about?", that the story has been so horrendously awful and devoid of any likable qualities, that getting good after a fucking novel's length of bullshit is not excused.
Anyway, moving on...
Twilight settles, they sit down to dinner, neither of them eager to try it, they try it, they both gag. They decide to order takeout instead.
I don’t think sarsaparilla has alcohol in it.
Blah blah blah, talking about casual dating and hooking up, Applejack doesn’t approve because prude. Rainbow Dash isn’t interested in ever getting into a serious relationship, blah blah blah musing on the nature of relationships and love and stuff. Twilight comments that Rainbow Dash’s lifestyle seems kind of lonely, Dash shrugs, live life as it comes. They kiss, then Rainbow Dash takes her flying so they can go stargazing.
Twilight’s response is as follows:
Then they proceed with kissing aaaaaaaand sex scene, blah blah blah she feels guilty because she wants to be doing it with Luna and I don’t care.
Sex scene stops for a bit so they can go inside, then doesn’t proceed as usual because Rainbow Dash is awkward and they reiterate “we’re still just friends, right?” blah blah blah Rainbow Dash is worried she won’t turn her on but Twilight assures her that she’s totally awesome and hot aaaaaaand now back to the sex scene.
And really nothing to say, typical SleeplessBrony protracted bullshit. You know, maybe it’s good I read through three chapters of Fallout Equestria. So numb as a result that I can’t even be annoyed and it allows me to just sort of trudge through this and not care.
And then that’s over without much fanfare, and
Oh, you’re shitting me, ANOTHER one?
Anyway, that’s done, Rainbow Dash hurriedly leaves her house for her duties, Twilight wonders about that as there’s very little ceremony.
Twilight goes back home, blah blah blah, she’s covered in hickeys, writes a flowery letter to Princess Luna. Here’s the letter.
I've known the touch of two lovers, one stallion and one mare. Both were lovely, but I think I know where my inclinations truly lie now. I've learned much about love – enough to know how badly I want you.
You were right to set me on this path. I had no idea what love was, what it could feel like, what it could do to a pony. I've even seen a little of the dark side of romance. There is great risk of hurting someone if you aren't careful. I understand that now, and I think I understand why you asked me to do this.
But I have learned, and I'm ready. I'm yours, whenever you come to take me.
Your Eager Student, Twilight Sparkle''
I don’t even have the energy to make fun of this. I’ll be back later. I find it funny that Twilight thinks this whole thing has been a good idea after what happened with Braeburn.
She sends the letter, but then finds herself thinking about it, before asking herself:
What am I doing?
I find myself thinking the same thing, as I do this liveblog.
