Chuck Austen Meets Chick Tracts: The Fanfic--Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods


Part 7: Fateful Decisions and the Point of No Return

Welcome back, as always. I really need to say what happened the last time we left off? It's basically the same thing, lather, rinse, repeat. Oh, wait, except for the fact that Percy killed Tyson. That's about it.

Okay, we have eight chapters left, so let's see how many more tracts the story can cram into with...

Chapter 13

Once again, Believer in Christ had his account hacked, and his notes has him bitching about it. Once again, he claims to save us from Satan's evil. Oh, and his younger brother helped him write this chapter.

It should be said that said younger brother, going by the pen name of "Noahmania", is easily the saner of the two brothers. Why? Over time, he told Thomas to stop writing the story. Thomas would later respond by not giving his brother any nice treatment.

Maybe Noah is helping to sabotage the story with the misspellings to act with Thomas' lack of storytelling ability?

Having said that, remember when Thomas bitched about how, among other people, those who are sick in the mind should also go to Hell or something like that? Poor Noah has dyslexia. That's right, a young boy who has a disability proves to be saner than the fanatical Thomas.

Take a moment to let that sink in.

Anyway, the chapter begins with Jerry telling, easily, one of the dumbest speeches in this story.

Jerry: "I am the one that has been sent by God to save the world from evil. The Greek gods are one of those evils. They make their followers follow strict laws, such as giving up some of their food. Our God does not do this. He gives us more freedom. We give thanks to our food, but we do not give it up. And by giving up your food you are wasting good food that could have been eaten, and if it wasn't good to eat, like passed if used by date, and then we should feed it to the dogs, not give it up. And would we give up our house just because some false god tells us do so? No! We should not!"

What the fuck does the food have anything to do with how God allows his kind to get freedom? And false gods telling others what to do? Oh, wait, that's part of the "laws". Except...those are likely offerings. Which is totally and completely normal for all other religions to follow.

Though why giving up a house is mentioned is beyond me.

After that speech, Mary walks up to Jerry. Hey, remember when she was pregnant with the baby? Apparentally, she's still having it. Even after she and the baby died.

...I'm calling it, she'll give birth to a zombie baby, since she's kind of a zombie herself. Wait, no, that would go against the religion.

At first, though, Mary is reluctant to tell the truth, but she later tells Jerry about how she doesn't want the baby after all! But then Jerry decides to be a fucking dumbass and tells her straight up that she's not going to get an abortion, as it's killing the child.

Controversies of abortion aside, technically, Jerry, who are you to tell her off about killing when you killed others yourself? This isn't a man, this is a raging hypocrite.

Mary finally calls Jerry out on the bullshit, yelling at him that she's not going to get an abortion. She calms down and adds that she'll place it up for adoption, so that way a good Christian family would take care of the baby. Jerry supports her decision, and they talk a while about the future. The chapter ends with the two praying and Jerry leaving Mary alone once again.

You know, this could have been a decent chapter. However, several things plague it. First off, that speech. Secondly, Jerry telling Mary off about killing completely contradicts his earlier personality, that of killing everyone. I guess even bad men love kids? Third, the ending Author's Notes, where Thomas tells everyone to stop reviewing the story, because God will punish the offenders with the flames of Hell. Thomas, I would love to stop reviewing, as I'm sick and tired of your Author Filibuster, but I simply can't. The story needs to end soon.

So we'll move right along with...

Chapter 14

By the way, you know about how one of the offending parts of the fic, according to So Bad It's Horrible's Fanfic section, is a Creator Breakdown? As we'll see in the spelling errors that greatly rival My Immortal's, it shows.

Despite it, I'll try to have all of that translated well, so try to sit tight.

The Author's Notes has Thomas, among his usual bullshit, calling out people for mocking his brother. To be fair, though, I haven't mocked him. And once again, blah blah blah, we should all convert to Christianity or suffer in Hell, and the United States is a Christian country and must stay that way.

...gah. I'm going to do a non-alcoholic drinking game. Take a shot every time...

  • ...Author Tracts happen.
  • ...Jerry and/or Percy Insta-Convert others.
  • ...gross continuity errors happen.
  • ...someone kills another. Two shots if it happens for no reason at all.

So...(downs several shots of water)

The POV switches from Jerry to Percy of Christ as he goes over to Chiron. Why? In the hopes of having him convert. Which should be a piece of cake for the guy, as he's apparentally more accepting of Christianity. Somehow.

Then again, as Percy heads down to the swamp, he can see loads of dead bodies, those of Christian martyrs. Wait, what? How did the martyrs die in the swamp, anyway? Unless if he somehow digged up bodies of Christian martyrs and place 'em in the swamp for shock value, this makes no sense.

Oh, and even though Chiron's tolerant of Christianity, he practices voodoo. And did you know that this is a kind of magic that was taught at Hogwarts in order to kill Christians on the spot? No? Well, you do now, because the writer said so!

So Percy finally reaches to Chiron's hut, where he's gambling with a random person, another follower of Satan Stan. Said follower asks him if he killed Jerry yet, and Percy answers "no", going so far as to state that he discovered the truthfulness in the world thanks to Jesus Christ.

...and this is where he uses more Insta-Convert. (downs many, many shots)

Percy asks Chiron, to sum up, to join him and become a Prayer Warrior like him. To help him make the camp into a Christian one, with Jesus saying to him with words that will make anyone believe in Vista! (Basically, Microsoft products.) So Chiron agrees, and Percy baptizes him and his students. Oh, and he kills the gambler by throwing him out to the sea. And his body would rot there. Um...wouldn't the sea life eat him up instead?

So after Chiron talks to his camp, one of the students comes out running, screaming that something killed him and ate him alive. Wait...what? Well, that made the meeting completely pointless, then!

But wait! It gets worse! As Percy heads to the camp, who does he find? Why, none other than Grover! Who fucking died twice. And, like the last time that he was revived, no explanation is given as to how or why he was brought back to life.

...(slams head into a wall repeatedly, then drinks to the point where I'm twice my weight. Because of being plumped up, my muscular arms and legs grow chunky, my face puffs up, and my stomach pokes out of my tank top)

Because fuck it, with a story as infuriating as this, ruining my muscular body? Worth it. (pokes my bloated stomach)

As his army of nonbelievers danced around Chiron's presumably-only-in-skeleton body, Grover listens to Percy's raging about how he killed a fellow Christian, and a fight begins. And it ends as quickly as it starts with Percy, you guessed it, cutting Grover's head off.

...I got nothing.

After Grover is killed, presumably for good, Percy baptizes the camp. He sends a message to Jerry about the news, and so the chapter ends with the Prayer Warriors discussing about what to do next. The mission? Finally take on the Greek Gods.

And this is likely not going to end well. For the Gods.

The Author's Notes has him become happy that all of those (undead) characters became Christians. Yeah.

Well, we're near the end, and there's still six chapters left. Will the Prayer Warriors defeat the Greek Gods? Will Grover be revived with no explanation again? And how much bigger will I get from all this author tract-y madness?

...(drinks a bit more)

Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods!


Methinks that this guy just really hated Grover, for some reason.

Also, I'm pretty sure the version of the Gospels you're preachin' doesn't allow for more freedom, considering that you advocate firing people who refuse to pray at their boss' command. Especially since you're not giving people the freedom to, you know, disagree with you.

So much for the righteous of all nations, even if that is a Jewish phrase.
FreezairForALimitedTime 15th Nov 11