Leia: I’m worried about Luke. We must help that psychotic brother of mine.
Han: -waves hand- No no he’s dead. ANYWAY let’s have some time to ourselves. I’ll be the notorious smuggler, and you’ll be the innocent princess. Aw Yeah.
Leia: -rolls eyes- For the last time Princess Han, we’re NOT switching it up.
Thanks to exposition, it turns out Han and Leia have two kids by now, although I doubt they are story-relevant in the least. Now Luke takes note of his new surroundings.
Luke: We’re on an imperial dungeon ship. The kind they used to transfer Jedi knights during the clone wars.
R2: Beep beep –Yeah, no, that’s not how history went-
Luke: If there is a dark center of the universe, artoo. This is it. This or Arbys.
Computer: Jedi Knight, welcome. Come with us. Activate Dark Force Cage. Inform his Excellency his ‘guest’ has arrived. Take him to the great hall. In the event that the prisoner wants exposition, this cage is designed to restrain Jedi. Conveniently, none of your powers will work while you’re in the cage.
Luke: Seriously, do evil computers think of everything?
R2 is apparently just rolling along following as the cage is getting dragged around or something by guards. Luke asks the computer what are the sinister voices in his head, ‘they are…soooo sinister’ he dreamily tells it, and the computer replies that he’s tripping. Once he gets released from cage by random guards, he kicks their none-too-bright asses and looking to find the leader, begins to happily wander around the palace.
Luke: This looks like a throne roo-
Sidious: YES MY THRONE ROOM IS HERE.
Luke: Why wasn’t any of this here befor-
Sidious: I REDECORATED GOT A PROBLEM
Luke: But- you can’t really be the emperor! I saw you die.
Sidious: You knew, didn’t you? You sensed it. You are in touch with the dark side already-
Luke: No, no. I saw you fall down a chute. My father threw you down. How did you survive?
Sidious:Well, I’m a – hold on, let me look through the list of crappy thrown together plot devices: ghost, time traveler, wait I’m a- CLONE!?! NOOO!
Luke: What’s wrong with being a clone?
Sidious: Considering I was the one that caused the Clone Wars, let’s just say Karma is being a bitch to Sidious today.
I’m giving whoever wrote this story props for calling the whole Clones in Star Wars thing. Seriously, nice WMG skills right there. Sidious demands that Luke take his father’s place by his side. Luke just stupidly groans, “I can’t…think” DERP. Sidious gloats at his evil work at Mon Calamari and says that planet could easily be Luke’s to command. Dude, free planet! Sure it’s full of Ackbars, but I’m sure those taste good with soy sauce.
Luke wonders how he could possibly hope to contend with the ridiculously frail old man that is the Emperor. R2 beeps the obvious in annoyance. Luke, tripping on all the drugs in the world says, “What’s that artoo? Oooh my light saber….OHHH.”
Sidious: I guess it was out of concern his wife was going to die or some boring bullshit like that. OH, do you want to hear about why I turned to the dark side, boy?
Luke:: Well, oka-
sidious: POWA! ABSOLUTE POWA Aa A Aaaaa HH!!!
Luke: >_>
In his VERY drunken and tripping stupor, he came to the enlightened rationalization that MAYBE the dark side is right this time, so Luke joins it.
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, and naturally, loads of people wanted a shot at writing about them.
