Disney's Tarzan was a beautiful movie
This is not that movie.
Let's see what I remember.
We crash land the Gummiship for... some... reason... Really, how stupid do you have to be to randomly mess with the controls of the ship you know little about?
So we crash and we end up in the treehouse in Tarzan where we meet none other than... Sabor the leopard. We beat the living daylights out of him but for some strange reason he doesn't die. In fact I have to go through several parts of the game where he just randomly jumps out of nowhere to kill me, I mean my god, what kind of st up for a recurring miniboss is that? It's a Leopard! It should, for all intents and purposes, should have less kick back and durability than the magically generated creatures.
I'm sorry, but how do you justify that? I mean you are beating it up with magic skills, a blunt key-shaped weapon used like a baseball bat, and a shield! The blunt force trauma should've made the stupid thing friggin' brain dead at this point, it's like the miniboss from hell and I want it to end!
So we meet Tarzan himself and I wish I could keep him throughout the game becuase he's a flipping badass. The man has techniques up the wazoo and abuses them like nobody else and gets the job done. So why the hell did I go with him and Donald instead of him and goofy? I like Goofy so much more and Goofy is stronger. I want to hang around back casting fireball and gravity.
So this place has a cool gimmick, MONKEY HEARTLESS.
I'm not even one of those crazy people that think everything is cool when you add Monkey but the Monkey heartless adorably awesome, though the female ones are annoying and weird. I think they try to tease you and cast magic and then they run away... they're just odd.... Also this place introduces... "Good heartless" that apparently help you when you cast magic on them.
........
Okay.... Sure, why not.
You know what annoys me about this place? vine swinging and navigating the place, it's so hard to figure out how to get form vine to vine to get form one place to another and it's easy to repeat yourself over and over and over and over and over.....
Plot-wise, Donald and Sora are angry at each other becuase Donald reprimanded Sora for screwing up the Gummiship. Sora as no right to be mad here, he's the one that effed up. Tarzan leads us to Jane and the forest after a sort of pointless but way too short sequence where we go tree surfing. This game needed more tree surfing and less vine swinging.
So at the camp Jane's eternal smile makes me realize just how this game has aged so weirdly. It holds up in so many aspects but doesn't in many others, it's quite jarring and hard to bear.
But yeah we're here to learn so stuff so I have to collect slides but they yield nothing. I don't remember the exact order of anything but here's something we have the gorilla hunter Clayton, the sick S.O.B. who is so evil he isn't even hiding it. I mean come on people, look at that mustache, and that voice, I swear Disney was never one for subtlety in spite of all their excellence.
But you know, it's weird how this all happens, in some aspects we interrupt the story and change history or
Like in this world Tarzan's gorilla father doesn't get killed becuase it didn't happen yet and we defeat Clayton earlier than the natural story. In Heracles's world it seems to take place when the movie is over and in Alice in Wonderland it's right during the trial, and in Aladdin it's like, literally in the 2nd fifth of the movie right after Al gets Genie.
So yeah, in this world Tantor, Tarzan's elephant friend, despite probably being eternally useful despite his neurosis is absent in this game which is saddening. I liked Tantor. But then it's also saddening that we can't understanding the animals, but it makes sense so I complain not.
So at some point in the story while Clayton is banished for being a gorilla murdering creep, and Turk, Tarzan's androgynous gorilla friend, and Jane are kidnapped by the heartless and we have to rescue them.
Hearltess fruit is involved.
I wash I was making this up. While fighting hordes of monkey heartless with coolio martial arts, I have to break a Heartless Fruit.
What exactly was the point of this heartless fruit? What was it made of? What was it supposed to do? Is there a seed to grow heartless fruit? What happens if you eat it? Can it be eaten? Is it poisonous? Is it Better than candy, oh so dandy?
Well we destroy the fruit, save Jane and Turk and then we go to see Clayton who was a weird boss and a cheap shot who always healed himself. Also, Dodge is the best function invented by man. So yeah he was a minion of the heartless becuase... Really, who didn't see that coming?
What I ''didn't see coming was that.. well... uh.. He was being controlled by a giant heartless chameleon.
Ya know what? I suddenly have a need to become an alcoholic and I don't even like alcohol. I don't even know what it's like to be drunk but all I know is that I need me some of that drunk stuff ASAP.
So after finding out Clayton was being evil becuase he was enjoying the tonguing by the giant heartless chameleon, I beat him with little difficulty and by little difficulty I mean I Don't die, that boss fight was a pain in the patella.
So after that piece of madness in this altered history Tarzan's Gorilla parents take use to a waterfall where after a it of annoying platforming we find the key to the world and a Gummi piece which means t Donald and Goofy that Mickey might be here. and apparently after all this crud Donald forgives Sora for... some.. reason...
Sigh...
Ya know what? I'm going to Heracles's Hercules's world becuase that place is a little fun and at least it has Hades. I can live with Hades. Not like that, you pervs. Well maybe his voice, gotta love that voice. If there is any reason to go gay, it's for that voice.
Comments
HEARTLESS FRUITS WILL EAT YOU IN YOUR SLEEEP.
Clayton wasn't being controlled by the Chameleon. XD He summoned it through the power of DARKNESS and then used it to fight against Sora and Co. Also he likes pretending he knows how to float.