Man Called True: I had a situation here. The Emperor took one look at the next chapter and refused to have anything to do with it. Same goes for Golbez and Laguna. Yes, folks, it just goes downhill from here. So…I had to call in a favor or two. For this chapter, I decided to bring in some heroes. From Final Fantasy XII, Balthier…
Balthier: I suppose I can live with being a supporting role today.
MCT: And from Final Fantasy X, Auron.
Auron: What new hell is this?
MCT: You’re about to find out.
(The title is “Panic Attack”)
MCT: As a sufferer of panic attacks, I take offense.
>After half an hour, Father returned to the dungeon to see if Lotus and Snowball were suffering enough. When they saw him, Snowball clutched the book to her chest.<
Balthier: (Snowball) Do what you like, but you aren’t getting my D&D Player’s Guide!
>"So," said Father, "now that you know the fate that awaits your friends, perhaps you'll have a little more respect for your elders!"<
MCT: (Father) You WILL go to bed at a respectable hour!
>"You're insane," said Lotus, through her teeth.
Father ignored the insult.<
Auron: Mockery is the ignorant warrior’s weapon, after all.
>"You two are doubtlessly wondering why you're still alive," he said. "Well let me assure you, it's only a temporary arrangement. Once the Moonbase is in our possession, I'm going to crush Numbah 362 and the rest of her officers by doing away with one her privileged ones right in front of her!"<
Balthier: From personal experience, I can tell you that publically killing people is far more hassle than you would think.
MCT: Also… “one of her privileged ones”. Literary inertia at work again?
>"Public execution?" said Snowball. "That's really low."
"Don't feel bad, Snowball," said Father. "At least you'll be joining her."
"I've only lost one of my lives," growled Snowball. "You'll have to do it eight times..."
"Then that's exactly what I'll do, wise guy!" shouted Father, as flames erupted around him. Lotus and Snowball drew back in fright.<
Auron: Wouldn’t it be quicker and easier to throw her in a tank of acid and watch her flounder her eight lives away?
>"Ahem," said Father. "Now if you don't mind, I'll be taking that book back..."
Lotus and Snowball gave each other worried looks.<
MCT: (Lotus) If he finds out what we doodled in the margins…
>Tears started to form in Snowball's eyes.
"Father, please," she said. "I beg you... have mercy and let us keep it... Let us be with our friends at least in spirit until the end..."
"Humph, pathetic," said Father. "Fine, keep the notebook. See if I care. It isn't like you can free them from the Isle..."<
Balthier: So many problems he could have solved by not giving them the damned book.
Auron: Let this story stand as a testament to why you never base your plots on villainous stupidity.
(Of course, it’s a put-on… SCENE CHANGE to the Isle)
>On the Isle of the Dread, in an alternate dimension, Numbah One and Blossom, who were the leaders of their respective teams<
MCT: Oh, really? I thought they just yelled orders for the hell of it.
>were standing in front of the rest of them, who were sitting on the sandy beach. Dark clouds were forming overhead, and the palm trees of the Isle were swaying in an erratic breeze.<
Auron: The wind blew in a north-northwesterly direction, and the humidity stood at twelve percent.
>"Okay everybody," said Numbah One. "We aren't going to lie to you. It seems that Father is more of a sorcerer than we made him out to be. He's somehow sent us to this strange island in the middle of nowhere."<
Balthier: (Numbah One) We will now draw straws to see which of us will be the first week’s food supply.
>"All the weapons we brought are gone," said Blossom. "Those of us with super powers have found that they are ineffective. Not to mention that there's some sort of being lurking in the clouds that obviously means us harm. It doesn't look good."<
MCT: She then demonstrated how to kiss your own ass goodbye.
>"We have no idea what dangers lurk on this island," said Numbah One. "But there's always a way out of every trap. If we remain calm and try to deal with this in a reasonable manner, we might just survive to..."
"Might?" said Numbah Three. "We're gonna die!"
Tears poured from her eyes.
"I don't wanna die!" screamed Bubbles "I'm too young!"
She started crying too.<
Auron: And yet the rest of the characters – who are all under thirteen, let us remember – show no signs of distress or worry.
Balthier: Well, of course not! They’ve got wills of steel and hearts of stone! They are the epitome of herodom, and only the “girly” members of the team dare show any emotion in the face of danger! Also, this is a terrible story.
>"Kuki, get ahold of yourself!" said Numbah Four, shaking her.
"Bubbles, don't make me slap you!" said Buttercup.
Blossom sighed. "This isn't dealing with it in a reasonable manner," she said.<
MCT: (Blossom) Okay, start the waterboarding.
>Numbah Three and Bubbles calmed down a little.
"Now then," said Blossom. "We have to search this place for a way out, and we can't get separated. We all have to stay close."
The other six of them crowded around Numbah One and Blossom.
"That's a little too close," said Numbah One.<
Auron: (Numbah One) I think someone just trampled Numbah Four.
>The evil face in the clouds formed again.
"By all means, stay as close as you like!" it said. "For soon, the horrors of this Isle will strike!"<
Balthier: Did the evil face in the clouds speak in rhyme last chapter?
MCT: Not really. “So” and “you” don’t rhyme, even though they sound kind of similar.
Balthier: So he’s trying to have his villain speak in rhyme and failing… The only thing worse than a dramatist who thinks he’s clever is one who’s wrong about it.
(Our heroes are presented with their worst foes)
>"Stand your ground, everyone!" said Numbah One.
The gang of villains charged. All eight of them formed fighting stances.
"All right you bozos!" said Buttercup, "if we're going down, we're going down fighting!"
"What she said!" said Numbah Four.<
Auron: After a few seconds, they all took off running in different directions.
>However, just as the mob was within five feet, they vanished.
"An illusion..." said Numbah Two.<
MCT: And then the Delightful Children turned off their invisibility field, and the villains slaughtered them en masse.
>They all stood dumbfounded for a minute.
"Come on everybody," said Blossom. "We have to get out of this madhouse!"
Staying together, they wandered off of the beach and into the jungle.<
Balthier: According to my map, they’re leaving Cheese Bridge and entering the Forest of Illusions.
(“Time passes” SCENE CHANGE)
>After pushing through the jungle for some time, they heard something – someone was playing some sort of flute.
"What's that?" said Numbah Four.
"Maybe we aren't alone?" said Bubbles.<
Auron: Saria is just playing a prank on you.
>They followed the music, and came upon a lagoon being fed by a waterfall.
Sitting on a rock was a young girl, about ten years old, playing a panpipe. She was bizarre in appearance.
She had long blonde hair, and green, catlike eyes. Her face was smooth as porcelain, and her ears were pointed, like an elf's. She was dressed in white furs, and no shoes.<
MCT: I swear to the gods Brian stole this description from somewhere else, but I can’t place where, and it’s driving me mad.
>She stopped playing, and stared at them.
Numbah One stepped forward.
"Um, hi," he said. "I'm Numbah One of the Kids Next Door, and my friends and I are in trouble..."<
Balthier: (Numbah One) Have you seen my car?
>She continued to stare.
"You see, we were sent here by Father, and..."
She gasped. She spoke in a musical voice:
"Father was he who sent you here?
Then horrid things will soon appear!
No friend of his is a friend of me...
You can't fool Vadania...
Nosiree..."<
Auron: I would like to point out that Snowball and Lotus inserted her into this place. They had to write all of it down. So they had to specifically write that she can speak only in verse, acts like a stereotypical “magical elf”, and misunderstands the people she’s supposed to be assisting. And yet the villains are supposed to be the stupid ones.
MCT: Also, BLATANT THEFT ALERT – Vadania is the sample druid in 3rd Edition Dungeons and Dragons, though she looks nothing like this remarkably silly-looking… thing.
Balthier: When you have to use as stupid a word as “nosiree” to rhyme your verse, you shouldn’t write verse in the first place.
(She runs off, leaving the kids in the lurch; SCENE CHANGE)
>In a secret lair, Him watched the group through a special viewing portal.
"The time is right," he said. "They were rattled by my little villain illusion, and now it is time to start unleashing the full effect of the Isle of the Dread upon them!<
MCT: This isn’t Him, this is Rita Repulsa!
>"Now then, who to choose first? Numbah Three and Bubbles are likely the ones who scare the easiest..."
He thought and rubbed his chin.
"But then, only wimps take the easy approach. I'll truly terrify them by starting with the bravest one there is..."<
Auron: Cowards take the easy way, idiots take the hard way.
>His eyes fell on Numbah Five.
"Yes," he said. "Perfect..."<
Balthier: (Him, a la Miles Gloriosus) My bride, my bride, come bring to me my bride…
(SCENE CHANGE)
>They continued to wander though the jungle.<
MCT: “Though the jungle” what?
>"Numbah Five is gettin' sick of this," said Numbah Five, as they stopped to rest. "If Father thinks he can scare us with a deserted island, then he's..."
And then she heard a hissing noise. She froze.<
Balthier: (Numbah Five) …absolutely right!
>Suddenly, a form slithered into view in front of her – a huge copperhead snake!
But only she saw it. The rest of her friends saw nothing.<
Auron: For she had taken the brown acid.
>"NO!" said Numbah Five. "Keep away!"
"Numbah Five what is it?" said Numbah One.
"Numbah Five hates snakes!" she yelled. "She can't stand snakes!"<
Balthier: Never mind that canonically, Numbah Five is not ophidiophobic.
MCT: Numbah Five should stop talking to herself.
(The first snake is joined by a small army of snakes)
>"It's another illusion!" said Numbah One. "One that only she can see!"
"But what's the point?" said Blossom.<
All: FILLER!
>And then, her seven friends looked on in sheer horror...
As Numbah Five cowered in fear, her left foot faded from view! The rest of her left leg started to disintegrate as well. It was as if her body was slowly being erased!
Fiendish laugher echoed from above.
"Foolish children," said the face in the clouds. "In this place, your fears come alive, and they'll destroy you! Soon, you'll all be reduced to oblivion!"<
Balthier: Ah, the proud tradition of “Never Say "Die"”.
Auron: While being reduced to nothing is a fine villainous threat, it loses some of its sting when you know they won’t go through with it.
MCT: First the face didn’t rhyme, then it did, now it doesn’t. Pick a motif and stick to it, Brian.
>The demon vanished.
"Numbah Five!" said Numbah One. "Those snakes don't exist! Tell yourself that!"
Numbah Five looked up, but the snakes were too real, and her leg was almost gone.<
Balthier: Oh, dreg, it’s up to my leg, oh, fiddle, it’s up to my middle, oh, heck, it’s up to my neck, oh, dread, it’s up to my-
>"Keep them away..." she sobbed.
"What can we do?" said Numbah Two, almost in panic.<
Auron: Almost? His friend is being wiped out of existence by an unearthly power, and he can only muster almost panic?
>"What was that girl's name?" said Bubbles.
She thought.
"Vanessa... no, Vadania!" she shouted. "Please, you have to help us!"<
MCT: Doesn’t “Vanessa” seem like a more likely name? I have trouble believing Snowball or Lotus could pull a fantastic name like “Vadania” out of thin air while terrified for their friends’s safety.
>Vadania suddenly appeared on a tree above, filing her long nails. She looked at them all in disgust.
She said:
"What did I say? I told you no.
I don't help allies of my foe."<
Balthier: How appropriate. The figure Snowball and Lotus created is an utter bitch that jumps to conclusions.
>"Vadania," said Numbah One. "We aren't allies of Father! The Kids Next Door are his mortal enemies!"
Vadania's eyes opened wide.
She leapt down from the trees.
"You truly are Father's enemy?
Then you're the one's I'm sent to see."<
Auron: First you accuse them without proof, and then you agree without proof. Fickle, are you not?
(Vadania explains the origins of the Isle)
>Vadania continued.
"This Isle makes you dread and fear,
Its curse will make you disappear.
It preys on emotions negative,
You must find in you the positive!
The eight of you are warriors bold;
Think of victories of old.
To keep from getting truly caught,
Think your most heroic thought.
To escape the Isle's horrid bait,
Remember a triumph that was great!"<
MCT: And there’s the pattern for the next couple chapters. The heroes defeat the evil magic by basically saying, “I’m SO AWESOME, and here’s why!”
Auron: This will get old fast.
Balthier: I brought brandy. Everyone help yourselves; we’ll probably need it.
(Numbah Five is having trouble coming up with something)
>Vadania scratched her forehead.
"For me such things aren't hard to find...
Tales of the past bombard my mind...
Numbah Five, listen...
I recall a trip that can't be beat,
When you braved a temple for a frosty treat."<
Balthier: One more bad poem and I shoot the words right off the screen.
(She remembers now! SCENE CHANGE)
>Inside Numbah Five's mind:
Everybody knows that there are three basic flavors of ice cream – chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry. Keep your chocolate-chip cookie dough and your chunky monkey ripple – you can't beat the basics.
But only a true ice cream gourmet like me believed the legend that long ago there was a fourth basic flavor, one better than the other three, one that was hidden away so that only the most worthy of ice cream lovers could ever so much as taste it. It was my lifelong goal to someday find that fourth flavor.
Unfortunately, the Delightful Children wanted to find it too, so when they found the Temple of the Fourth Flavor, they dragged there, hoping I'd know how to open the door to the inner sanctum. I opened it all right, and I found the treasure – but then the brats thought they could commit downright sacrilege by taking it all and giving it to the adults. After they were the first to taste it, of course.
But they screwed up. They think they're so smart, but they're stupid! Imagine trying to put sprinkles on sacred ice cream! I don't even do that with plain old vanilla! They irked the wrath of some celestial dessert gods, and the place started to cave in.
I could have just run for my life like they did, but I was determined to get a taste of that ice cream, even if it was the last thing I ever tasted. I tried my hardest, and in the end, I was rewarded with what I had sought my whole life... and the taste of victory was never sweeter!<
MCT: Ugh… They bring this episode up in the sequel, too. That this is her crowning achievement says far more about the heroes in this story than anything else.
Notice something about her big heroic moment? It’s all about her. She’s not saving anyone. She’s not defeating evil – the Delightful Children defeat themselves. No, this is entirely about her own personal goals and own personal gain.
Her big heroic moment, the one that defeats a curse of pure evil, is selfish.
(SCENE CHANGE)
>She came back to awareness, and the snakes vanished. Her limbs quickly grew back.
"All right!" said Numbah Two.
The rest of them cheered. Numbah Five took some deep breaths.
"Ha!" said Buttercup. "How do you like THAT, Him? Your Isle doesn't scare us!"<
Auron: A flaming meteor smote them where they stood, and Buttercup’s last thought was, “Why did I taunt the Devil?”
(SCENE CHANGE to Him)
>In his secret lair, Him growled.
"So, Numbah Five survived," he said. "No matter, she'll be demoralized once a few of her friends are gone, and then I'll try again.<
MCT: And Him goes OOC – one of his explicitly stated character traits is that he never repeats his plans.
>"In the meantime...
"You don't think my Isle scares you, Buttercup? We'll see about THAT!"<
Balthier: Then he turned, saw himself in a mirror and passed out.
(SCENE CHANGE)
>"You sure you're alright Numbah Five?" said Numbah Two.<
Auron: No, that would be Traumatized Numbah Five.
>"Numbah Five will be," said Numbah Five.
"Well, we aren't out of the woods yet, guys," said Blossom. "I'm certain that Him has more surprises in store for us."<
MCT: Imagine their expression when they get to the spring-loaded nut cans.
(The girls explain who Him is)
>"Well, he'd better not show himself here," said Numbah Four. "Or I'll give him THIS!" He swung his fist. "And THIS and THIS!"<
Balthier: And then he punched himself in the throat.
>"Calm down, Numbah Four," said Numbah One. "Don't lose focus. "That's exactly what he wants you to do."<
Auron: Did someone else speak up in the middle there?
>They entered a large clearing, and standing before them was a huge, wooden tiki mask, that glared at them evilly.<
"Um..." said Numbah Four.
MCT: They seem to have entered a tiki bar.
Balthier: Or wandered into Donkey Kong Returns.
MCT: …that would explain so much.
>"Boy is that ugly!" said Numbah Three.
Then Buttercup heard something.
"Buttercup..." said a soft whisper. "Buttercup..."<
Auron: Even in my world, where ghosts can speak, hearing voices is never a good sign.
>"What?" she said. She started to move towards the mask.
"Buttercup, don't go near it!" shouted Blossom.
And then, in Buttercup's eyes, she saw something start to crawl out of the mask's eyes and mouth...<
All: HE COMES...
(No, it’s a horde of spiders)
>"No!" said Blossom. "It's another illusion! Buttercup has arachnophobia!"
"She's afraid of heights?" said Numbah Four.
"No, that's acrophobia," said Blossom annoyed.<
Balthier: The Powerpuff Z character?
MCT: No, that’s Hyper Blossom.
>As Buttercup tried to swat away the spiders in a futile attempt, she saw a dark form appear behind the tiki mask – an enormous black widow spider, twice the size as her!
"NOOO!" she said.
And then her legs started to vanish, just as Numbah Five's did.<
Auron: (Buttercup/Arthur Dent) My legs drifting off into the sunset…
(Thinking positive isn’t working)
>"That isn't enough," said Blossom.
She paused.
"Vadania!" she said. "Help!"
Vadania appeared on top of the evil mask.<
MCT: (Vadania) This is a recording…
>"Girls," she said.
"I remember all your fights and foes,
Along with all your private woes...
Buttercup, listen...
You've always been the toughest one,
Not quitting till the fight was won.
But violence always ruled your life
Until you learned to tame that strife.
Listen closely to this elf...
What foe was harder than yourself?"<
(Balthier stands up, cocks his gun, and shoots a hole through the “poem”)
>She vanished.
"What does she mean?" said Bubbles.
Buttercup gave a strange look. She stared at the huge spider bearing down upon her...
"Wait," she said. "I know what she meant!"<
Auron: If this is some sort of self-reliance message, I empty my sake jug.
(SCENE CHANGE)
>Inside Buttercup's mind:
It's true I've always been the toughest member of the Powerpuff Girls, someone who always wants to play rough. My sisters have told me at times that I was too violent, but I never gave it much thought. In my opinion, villains deserved the punches I gave them. They were villains, after all.
But I almost crossed the line one day when Fuzzy Lumpkins started causing a ruckus, like he always was. We took him on, and I tore into him, badly. I didn't give it much thought at the time – but then, an hour later, I found out that I had nearly killed him!
It really struck a cord for me, and I had to get away to do some serious thinking. I was a practical mess at that point. I figured I was out of control, and no better than a bully sometimes. For a minute or two, I was even considering giving up the whole superheroine thing.
But that's when he found me. A mysterious Zen master who sympathized with me. He took me under his wing and helped me control my anger, making my mind clearer than it had ever been. He taught me what it truly meant to be a warrior, and not just a thug. I even helped him when his former student – none other than Mojo – came to cause trouble. I left with a better feeling about myself, and with hope for the future. I was honestly certain at that point that I'd never cross the line again.<
MCT: First of all, this is a description of an actual episode, “Makes Zen To Me”. Brian, at least, doesn’t make up high points, but instead relates them to canon events.
But once again, it’s all about her. The great, heroic moment that she calls upon – it’s not saving lives, it’s not stopping a monster from harming others. It’s her getting stronger and achieving for herself.
Now, granted, learning not to kill people by accident is a far cry from “YAY I’M THE ONLY PERSON TO EVER EAT THE FOURTH FLAVOR”. But it’s still not something that benefited anybody in the long run. That Zen master? Vanished from the series entirely after that episode. Everything she learned in it? Discarded once the show didn’t need it. It’s an achievement that, in the end, only benefited her.
We’re 2-for-2 in selfish triumphs.
Auron: And it’s spelled “chord”. (empties his jug)
(SCENE CHANGE)
>Buttercup's torso and legs reappeared, and the spiders vanished.
"Phew," she said, sitting down. "That was a narrow escape."
"This place isn't so tough," said Numbah Four. He turned to the dark cloud.
"Bring it on, Him!" he said. "You'll never scare me!"
"Numbah Four!" said Numbah One. "It isn't smart to tempt fate!"<
Balthier: Finally someone catches on!
>"Well, where should we go next?" said Numbah Two. We still have no idea how we're getting home..."
Out of the mist, a large temple appeared.
"Well," said Numbah One, "that might seem like the next step..."<
Auron: With any luck, it’s Macalania Temple, and the priests will skin them alive for trespassing.
(SCENE CHANGE to Him targeting Four, SCENE CHANGE back)
>They wandered up to the doors of the temple, which swung open to greet them.
"Numbah Five's seen week-old fish that smelled better than this!" said Numbah Five.<
MCT: Given the average IQ on display here, she probably ate them.
>"Maybe she's right," said Blossom. "We should just stay out here and..."
Then, lightning struck from the clouds above, narrowly missing them!
"They say lightning never strikes twice in the same place..." said Numbah Two
A larger bolt of lightning struck again.<
Auron: My mistake, it was the Thunder Plains.
>Numbah Three screamed.
"Heck with it!" said Blossom, running into the temple. The rest of them followed.
They found themselves in a dark corridor, leading slightly down.<
Balthier: It was a twisty maze of passages, all alike.
>"Uh, anyone bring a flashlight?" said Numbah Four.
"Really funny," said Numbah Five, as they started to trek down the corridor. Thunder rolled outside.
A light appeared up ahead, and a stone door opened.<
MCT: (Olmec) The Shrine of the Silver Monkey!
>"Guess that's the only place to go," said Numbah One.
He said under his breath, "Even though it's probably a trap..."
They walked into a lighted room, which was a tall, square room, with images of freakish masks on the ceiling.<
MCT: Well, crap, they really are in the Hidden Temple!
Auron: With any luck, the Temple Guardians will mug them in a minute or two.
>The door behind them closed with a slam!
"Oh, now what!" said Numbah Four.
He shouted to the ceiling. "You let us out of here, Him, or I'll..."<
Balthier: (Numbah Four) …keep yelling like this for a really long time!
(And then the room starts to flood)
>"What is it?" said Numbah Four. "Are you blind? The room is flooding!"
"No it isn't..." said Bubbles.
"It is to Numbah Four," said Numbah One, getting scared himself. "He never learned how to swim – he's afraid of drowning!"<
MCT: Quick, find the handle!
>Indeed, in Numbah Four's mind, the room was starting to flood, and the water was already up to his waist. He started to panic.
"Help!" he shouted. "Somebody help!"
"Numbah Four, you can't panic!" said Numbah One. "This isn't the time!"
"This is the perfect time!" he said.<
Balthier: He’s lost, Andy’s gone…
>And then it started happening again. His right arm started to fade, and cackling laughter echoed throughout the chamber.
"Wally!" screamed Numbah Three. "Fight it, please!"
"Think of something pleasant!" said Numbah Five. "Remember... um, remember how you beat King Sandy?"
"Uh..." said Numbah Four.<
Auron: Even at the risk of death, he can’t break the idiot image.
(Call for Deus Sue Machina!)
>Vadania appeared in midair. She spoke:
"Even in this lair forsaken,
I hope my words won't be mistaken.
Numbah Four, listen...
Each trial as a Kid Next Door
Has always led to more and more.
I recall a day when you sought joy,
Which foes once gathered to destroy.
What would any other kid have done
Were he outnumbered fifty to one?"<
Balthier: In this story? Won with one arm behind their back.
(Wally remembers – cue the SCENE CHANGE)
>Inside Numbah Four's mind:
The team and I always like going to the movies... don't all kids? But one day, it was Kuki's turn to pick the movie, and they had a dumb "Rainbow Monkeys" double feature playing. My first mistake was agreeing to come at all.
After the first movie, I had had my fill of the sickeningly sweet stuff, and decided to find a better movie. I found one that looked cool, but it was R-rated. Of course, little things like rules never stopped me before. It took a few tries, but I got into the place by dressing up as an adult. That was my second mistake.
That's when I found out why they wanted to keep kids out. It wasn't a movie, but a front for a meeting of nearly every villain that my team had ever faced! Who'd have known that villains actually have these meetings, ones with the sole purpose to plan our demise?
I knew I had to get out of there, but when I tried, my disguise fell apart, and then, well, things turned ugly. I was facing down about fifty supervillains, all of whom had no intention of letting me leave alive.
The odds were completely in their favor – frankly, I don't even know myself how I did it. I will say one thing though – people think I'm stupid, but while I may not get many good grades in school, I have a lot of street smarts. I was somehow able to outsmart them, fight them all off, and leave them with a mess.
And I'm smart enough to learn from my mistakes – I'm not sneaking into any more R-rated movies. I'll stick to PG for the time being.<
MCT: Even more than Numbah Five, this is a completely selfish memory. It wasn’t even self-defense! He could have fled, but no, he decided to beat them all down for his own personal glory!
At least Numbah Five didn’t bring the temple down herself. Numbah Four got into the fight because of his own stupidity. Surviving your own idiotic mistake isn’t being heroic.
If this is the sort of memory they take pride in, then the Kids Next Door are even worse people than I thought.
(SCENE CHANGE, Wally’s alive, yay)
>"Yeah," said Numbah One, "But how do we get out of..."
A door opened up, with a stairway going to the up.
"...here?"
"Only way out," said Blossom.
They walked up the stairway, and it lead up, up, and up.<
Auron: …and away.
(SCENE CHANGE to Him FINALLY realizing he should go after the easy marks; SCENE CHANGE back)
>They walked up the steps, and found themselves on the roof of the temple. The sky was dark, and lightning flashed in the clouds.
"This is creepy..." said Numbah Three.
"Don't get scared, Kuki!" said Numbah Four. "That's exactly what Him and Father want!"<
Balthier: Except that he seems unable to use any fear that isn’t generated by his illusions.
>"It's hard not to get scared here..." said Bubbles, shivering.
"She's right," said Numbah Two. "Something's going to happen to another one of us pretty soon, and then..."
"Think positive people!" said Numbah One. "Just like Vadania said!"
"It would help if she didn't keep disappearing!" said Numbah Five.<
MCT: You have to love how Lotus and Snowball’s big plan to save their friends is completely fair-weather.
>Numbah Three looked around, and saw something climb up onto the roof.
As she looked, four Rainbow Monkeys climbed up and smiled at her.
"Oh, hello!" she said. "What are you cuties doing here?"
"Numbah Three, what are you doing?" said Numbah One.<
Auron: At least Numbah Three is scatterbrained enough to fall for this despite seeing her friends succumb three times in a row.
>"Rainbow Monkeys!" said Numbah Three. "Real ones!"
The others looked. They didn't see them.
"Numbah Three, stay away from them!" said Numbah One. "That is an order!"
"They're so cute!" said Numbah Three, running to hug them.<
Balthier: And she ran straight off the edge of the temple. Sad, really.
(They’re DEMON Rainbow Monkeys!)
>"I'll save you, Kuki!" shouted Numbah Four.
He tried to run to her, but then a bolt of lightning struck, throwing him backwards. Laughter echoed from the cloud above.<
MCT: (The Riddler) There will be NO assistance from the peanut gallery!
(She starts vanishing from the center out)
>"Numbah Three," said Numbah One. "You've got to concentrate. Think of one of your victories!"
"Like what?" screamed Numbah Three.
"Yeah, what?" said Numbah Four. "What has she ever done that qualifies?"
"You aren't helping, Numbah Four!" said Blossom.<
Auron: Some boyfriend he is.
>"I may not know any," said Numbah Four, "but Vadania might! Vadania, help! Please help us!"
Vadania appeared, sitting on the rocky wall.
"Never fear," she said, "I'm always here."<
Balthier: (Vadania) Or at least I’m here to take the credit for your survivals.
>She looked at Kuki.
"Foes may say you're just a flirt,
Of no more use than stones and dirt.
But without the morale that you lend,
Your team would come to a tragic end.
Numbah Three, listen...
You do much more than laugh and wink,
You have more skill than you may think.
I recall a feat of great distinction...
You saved a race from near-extinction!"<
MCT: So she donated to the World Wildlife Fund. Big deal.
>"What does she mean?" said Numbah Four. "Saved a race from near-extinction?"
Sweat was pouring down Numbah Three's face, and her torso was practically gone. But she somehow managed to clear her mind. She looked down at the savage Rainbow Monkeys that were biting her...
"That's it!" she said.<
Balthier: (Numbah Three / The Tick) I’m here because a big clown hit me!
(SCENE CHANGE)
>Inside Numbah Three's mind:
All my life, I loved Rainbow Monkeys... toys, comic books, cartoons, anything about them. It got to the point where I could just smell them out if they were around.
So I was excited when I was approached by a guy named Mr. Mogul who claimed to own the company that made them. He told me something that I had dreamed about for years – Rainbow Monkeys were real! He said he wanted me to sniff them out for him, so he could give them a royalty check. And since I was so eager to meet them myself, I believed him.
We went to Rainbow Monkey Island – a place that I still like to visit, and I was able to sniff them out all right. But Mogul had fooled me. He netted all of them, and told me what he really wanted to do to them. Something too horrible for words! And he couldn't let me live knowing it.
I decided that since I got them into this mess, I was going to get them out. Mogul made the mistake of letting me keep the Rainbow Monkey helicopter hat that we had used to get from his airship to the Island, and I used the propeller to saw through the bars of our cages. I was lucky that this toy wasn't the kind that breaks easily.
With the Monkeys' help, I was able to beat Mogul and his two goons, and get them back to the Island. Rainbow Monkeys are safe from him now... I'm sure he'll think twice about trying to pull that trick again!<
MCT: Finally we get a heroic memory that isn’t all about the hero. Saving wild animals from being exploited by a heartless plutocrat is genuinely worthy of pride, and the sort of memory that they should be focusing on instead of their power trips.
But you’ll notice something – the only character so far to have a genuinely heroic memory is Numbah Three. Numbah Three has done almost nothing in this story. She managed to beat the ice cream beast, but only with outside assistance from three sources – the satellite cannon, the PPG, and Hippy Hop. Every other battle has gone entirely into other people’s hands.
It’s a sad testament to this story that the only selfless flashback goes to a character who plays almost no role in the plot.
(SCENE CHANGE)
>The demonic Rainbow Monkeys vanished, and Numbah Three's torso slowly started to reform. She sighed in relief.
"Oh, Kuki!" said Numbah Four, running up and hugging her. "I was so worried!"
"Uh Wally?" said Numbah Three.
"Yeah?"
"You're hugging me too hard..."
"Sorry," he said.<
Auron: Let the poor boy have his fun, this is the only time he’s gotten anywhere with his love interest.
(They escape the temple; SCENE CHANGE to Lotus and Snowball)
>In Father's dungeon, Lotus and Snowball sat in silence. Lotus clutched the book to her chest.
Suddenly, and expression came over her.<
Balthier: And expression came over her what?
(There’s POWERRRR! coming from the book)
>"No!" said Lotus. "Before, this book was all evil... but now I'm sensing a force of good trying hard to fight the evil...
"Snowball, I think our friends are holding out... I think they're winning!"
She paused.
"But I also think that Him is going to be trying harder before long..."<
MCT: So our lesson for today: selfishness = BIG GOOD.
>And with that, we must leave off on the annoying literary device known as a "cliffhanger."<
MCT: Brian, Goosebumps books had more exciting cliffhangers.
>Coming up next, the team continues to explore the Isle of the Dread, the place where their own fears threaten to consume them! They refuse to give up, but neither does Him. Will they escape this mad trap? Stay tuned...<
Balthier and Auron: No. (They leave)
MCT: And it only gets worse from here.
