It just... gets... dumber.
This one's called "Young at Heart". Does that send a cold chill down anyone else's spine?
>The five operatives gazed at the situation before them, and the three Powerpuff Girls struggled to look up, their strength taken away by Chad's X-Ecutor field. What they saw was their familiar enemy, Numbah 274, wearing golden armor and holding a sword that was glowing red...
And standing between him and them was an older, female teenager, dressed in a black, skintight jumpsuit with long black hair, also holding a sword.
She flicked a switch on the sword, and it started to glow blue.<
If this seems familiar to anyone else, don't worry. Brian will make it obvious in a moment.
And what's with the skintight jumpsuit? I get she's an OMG SPECIAL AGENT, but that seems a little impractical for a swordfight.
>"So, Lotus," said Chad, sarcastically. "What have you been doing with yourself?"<
JOKE REMOVED TO AVOID ADULT CONTENT WARNING
>"Looking for you, Chad," she said, quietly. "You know, you always were the rebel when I knew you... but now you've turned into so much of a low-down rat, that it makes me feel ashamed to even know you."
She pointed to the eight children behind her. "If you want them," she said. "You're going to have to go through me."<
If this were Wishmaster, she'd be a glass statue now and we'd all be happy.
>Chad raised his sword. "You know Lotus," he said. "I had a feeling we'd come to this someday... and I must say, it's been a long time coming!"
He leapt up and brought his sword down on his foe, but she quickly blocked it aside. She thrust forward, and a duel ensued. The two swords clashed, sending sparks into the air.<
Given that these are apparently swords that can convert on the spot into lightsabers, sparks sound like a very, very bad thing.
Numbah One sends Three and Five back to get more weapons, since he knows Chad will come after them if he wins and nobody knows what Lotus has planned. Meanwhile, back at the fight scene:
>Like a battle between a Jedi and a Sith,<
Isn't it nice when the author admits to his theft?
>the two swords clashed. Chad repeatedly tried to run his enemy through, but the strange warrior was just too fast. Eventually, they locked swords and met face to face.
"Oh, I get it," said Chad. "You're still crank-y because I didn't come to your little 'party'!"
"I'm crank-y," said Lotus, "because you turned out to be the biggest disappointment of my life, you traitor!"<
What's with the hyphen on the "y"? I think it's supposed to mean that Chad and Lotus are pronouncing the word as "crank-EE", but it just looks stupid.
>She pushed her foe away from her, and the struggle continued.
This is... strange, thought Numbah One. She's talking like she's an operative of some sort... but that's impossible...<
Nothing's impossible when the author's on your side!
>"You aren't going to stop me, Lotus!" said Chad, as he swung towards her. "These brats are going to pay, and so will you!"<
"And I don't take personal checks!"
>Lotus blocked it, and a blur of sparks flew.
"Just send me the bill," she said.
"Man, I should be taking notes here," said Numbah Two.<
Mary Sue Sign #403: Other characters praise her "witty" repartee.
>After about five minutes of this, Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup started to get up. At the same time, Numbahs Five and Three started to run back, with their arms full. They were out of breath, but they had brought enough arms.
"Here," said Numbah Five, doling them out.
"Should we give her a hand?" said Blossom.
"Why?" said Numbah Four. "She's doing a great job on her own!"<
Because there's no way the author would allow her to have any difficulties. If you think I'm being a little harsh on Lotus, it's because she's effectively identical to one of the worst offenders in his Yu-Gi-Oh work.
>"Steady everyone," said Numbah One. "We don't know what the deal is with this Lotus. For all we know, she can be even more dangerous than Chad is. You know the old saying... the enemy of my enemy can also be my enemy..."
"But the enemy of my enemy can also be my friend," said Bubbles.<
"And the friend of my friend can be my enemy, and it just keeps going in circles."
>"We'll just have to see," said Numbah One. "I don't want to open fire until I know for sure."<
Despite your willingness to fire blind into smoke clouds.
>The struggle ensued. With a deft swipe, Chad cut Lotus across the shin, and she yelped. He gave an evil grin.
She soon regained her composure.
"First blood to you," she said, lifting her own sword.
"And I'll get the second too," said Chad. "I'm gonna... AHHH!"
Lotus slashed cutting him across the cheek.
"What was that?" she said. "I couldn't quite hear you?"<
In some fics, this would constitute foreplay. Here, it just leaves me bored and irritated. (And I don't think that last question mark goes there.)
>The swordfight resumed, and in the darkening twilight, the sparks started to fly.<
"Darkening twilight" is just this side of purple prose.
>"Numbah Five could be wrong," said Numbah Five. "But there's something awfully familiar about the style of fighting they're using..."
"What do you mean?" said Numbah Four.
"Did you ever take martial arts weapons training at the Arctic facility?" said Numbah Five.
"No," said Four. "I didn't meet the size requirements."<
"'Must be able to become an impromptu kickstand' my miniature ass."
>"Figures," said Five. "I knew a few trainers there who often showed off swordplay, and... unless Numbah Five misses her guess, both Chad and Lotus are using the Usagi Inpachi style, a technique that they claimed was invented by a KND trainer about ten years ago!"<
Yay for Gratuitous Japanese! ...And who the hell would name a martial arts style "rabbit woodman"?
>"Could Lotus be another Forsaken?" gasped Numbah One. "One that we don't know about?"
If she was, there was truly no honor among the Forsaken. Chad and Lotus seemed more than willing to tear each other apart.<
They are TEARING EACH OTHER APART, LISA!
>"Give it up, Lotus!" said Chad. "You know I was the greatest operative who ever lived!"
"It was all lies and exaggerations, Chad," said Lotus. "You used manipulation and cheating to worm your way to the top. If you were as great as they said you were, you would never have done what you did..."<
Because no villain can ever achieve anything on their own merits. Brian's got a very black-and-white view of the world.
>The fight raged on more fiercely that ever. Numbah One was considering ordering his team to open fire on both of them... but he had no proof as yet that Lotus was an enemy. Most of the clues were there, but something was not right in that theory. Something strange about this warrior simply did not suggest that she truly was a Forsaken...
As they watched, they could see that Chad was starting to tire, while Lotus still had energy to spare.<
Chad desperately searched his pockets for his emergency Viagra.
>"Give up yet, Chadworth?" said Lotus.
"Never..." said Chad, raising his sword.
He rushed towards Lotus, and uttered a cry, but Lotus was ready. She swung with both hands, and her blow smashed Chad's sword to bits!<
And then Lotus looked at the pieces of shrapnel that had torn through her bodysuit. "Oops," she whispered before falling dead.
>Chad fell down from the backlash.
"You, you witch!" he said. "Do you know how much that weapon cost!"
"Sorry," said Lotus, sarcastically.<
Because we really needed to be told it was sarcasm. (And Chad? You didn't even pay for the sword.)
>"I... I hate you Lotus!" he yelled.
"Sticks and stones, traitor," she said. She leveled her sword at him.
"Dead or alive, you're coming with me..."<
>Chad sat up.
"Not while I've still got fuel in this thing!" he shouted.<
We'd all laugh if it was out of fuel.
>He hit the button on his chest, and his jetpack shot him up off the ground.<
Right into a tree limb. Sad, really.
>"Another time, Numbah One!" he yelled, as he sailed over the trees. "You can be sure of that!"
They lost sight of him as he sailed over the treetops.
"Run you cowardly brat," she said. "You won't be so lucky next time..."<
COWARD COUNT: 2
>She turned to face the operatives and the Girls. Quickly, the Girls formed fighting stances, and the team raised their weapons.
"Ah," she said.
She looked them up and down.
"Nigel, Hoagie, Kuki, Wally, and Abigail," she said. "Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. So glad to finally meet you."<
"I'm here to talk to you about the Church of Scientology."
Lotus states that she isn't their enemy, and when they mention her sword, she disarms herself:
>Numbah One didn't relax his weapon. "We don't trust teenagers," he said. "They're the enemy. And how on earth would you know a KND fighting style unless you were in the same boat as Chad?"
"Teenagers are the enemy?" said Lotus. "Tell me something Numbah One. When you turn thirteen and are decommissioned, would you like your former comrades in the organization to think of you as the enemy?"
Numbah One lowered his weapon. He'd never thought of it that way.<
Oh, like he's never thought of it before. It hangs over your head from the day you sign up.
>"Hoagie, Kuki," said Lotus. "Your younger siblings will likely be operatives someday. When you have to retire, will your siblings be your foes?"
"NO!" said Numbah Three, quite upset.
"I should hope not," said Numbah Two.
"And you Girls are half the age of the rest of you," she said. "Should you ever decide to join the KND, your friends here will be decommissioned long before you will. You'd never regard them as enemies just because they were teenagers, would you?"
"Of course not!" said Blossom.<
Mary Sue Sign #288: Her words are enough to turn suspicious characters into full agreement.
>"And as for how I knew the Usagi Inpachi style," said Lotus, "I invented that style myself... ten years ago."<
"Worst five minutes of my life."
TIME FOR BACKSTORY:
>"You see," she continued, "I was once known as Numbah 56..."
"What?" said Numbah One. "But if you were decommissioned, you could you still know..."<
We've all done that bit where you accidentally say or type the next word on your mind instead of the word you meant to type. Hell, that's my primary speech impediment. The difference is that we usually correct ourselves.
A quick check of the KND wiki shows there's no canon Numbah 56, incidentally.
>"I'll get to that in a minute," said Lotus. "I joined the KND organization a long time ago, at the tender age of five. I was only allowed to do so after I saved the life of another operative. And I soon became known as one of the greatest warriors of the organization.
"It all changed when I was seven, when I orchestrated the Four-Cross Campaign..."
"Four-Cross?" said Numbah Four.<
>"Wait, I remember reading about that!" said Numbah Two. "Nine years ago, there was an organization called the Kid-Kat Club, a sort of precursor to the Delightful Children From Down The Lane. At one point, the Kids Next Door sent several teams on an assault on the Kid-Kat's outpost, and in the ensuing battle, a team leader called Numbah 14 suddenly ordered her troops to switch sides, and turn on her allies, aiding the Kid-Kats. Thinking they had found sudden allies, the villains easily drove back the rest of the KND."
Lotus nodded. And Numbah Two continued.
"Numbah 14 and her group stayed with the enemy for a month, planning an assault on the Moonbase, and for a while, almost every KND team on Earth feared that a whole team of Forsaken had been born. But finally, when the Kid-Kats actually struck, Numbah 14 led them into a long-prepared ambush, which completely decimated the enemy forces! It was a double-double-cross!"<
...what is there to say? Brian's introduced a new character and given her a background of impossible heroism and accomplishments. If she were any more of a Mary Sue, we'd all be reading A Trekkies Tale at this point.
Also, there's a Numbah 14 in canon, Numbah 13's damage control. Trivia: she was voiced by Grey "Azula" De Lisle.
>"A four-cross," said Lotus. "And I was Numbah 14.<
Because she couldn't just be part of the operation, oh, no. She had to be the one who led it.
>Because my name was likely on a hit list at that point, my number was changed to Numbah 56, which is 14 times four. I was awarded for my great contribution, and given a great responsibility – head of combat training in the Arctic Training Base.
"I had many students; among them was my favorite student, Numbah 362..."
"You taught the leader of Global Command?" exclaimed Numbah Five.<
Mary Sue Sign #104: She has connections to canonical characters of great status and/or power.
>"Yes," said Lotus. "She wasn't the leader then, but she showed a lot of promise. Another one of my students was that traitor whom we just fought off. I never liked him. He never went according to the rules. If you ask me, it was his charm and charisma that got him where he was eventually.<
Get used to this, folks. Villains are always failures who cheat to get by, while heroes always succeed on their own talent. Nevermind that this makes no canonical sense (Chad really was a great operative, he just had an ego to match).
>"Anyway, the day when I eventually turned thirteen was the saddest day of my life. But I wouldn't disgrace myself by defying the rules. I traveled to the Moonbase on my own, fully intent on facing decommissioning with honor and dignity.<
If this were a Looney Tunes cartoon, we'd cut to her kicking and crying as two strong kids drag her to the decommissioning machine.
>"Back then, the Decommissions Officer was a boy known as Numbah 35, and he was nothing like Numbah 86. He was always kind and comforting towards those put under his jurisdiction... even towards Runners he was never cruel. He hated to do to me what he had to, as we had shared many missions together. I practically had to convince him myself that it was for the best.<
There's a Numbah 35 in canon; he's the messenger for the Moonbase. You'd think Brian (who's clearly seen enough of this show to know better) would pick numbers they haven't used yet, if only to avoid confusion.
Notice that none of the people Lotus served with were even the slightest bit flawed.
>"A great many operatives showed up to say goodbye. Among them was Numbah 362, several of my other students, and the current leader of Global Command, Numbah 101, an officer who would be facing decommissioning himself in less than a year. Practically all of them hated to see me go. In fact, the only one who failed to show up was Numbah 274. He later claimed he had a dental appointment... an excuse I later found out was a lie.<
You'd think if he hated her so much, he'd be there to watch her get brainraped.
>"As Numbah 35 strapped me in, I asked to make one last statement as a Kid Next Door. Numbah 101 told me to go ahead.
"I told them that even without my memories, my morals and ethics would never change. I would always fight for the rights of the underaged... somehow I would find a way. Even without the Kids Next Door, even if I didn't know who they were, I would always believe in their cause.<
BLATANT CANON RIPOFF! This is just Maurice's decommissioning scene given a gender swap!
>"I told Numbah 35 to do what he had to do, and I waited...
"But then Numbah 101 told him to stop. He told me he would make me an offer, something that was not offered lightly. He would offer me Privileged Decommissioned Status."
"Privileged Decommissioned Status?" said Numbah One.<
Nobody ever hears the words on the first go, do they?
>"Like I said," said Lotus, "It is an honor that is not given out lightly. I would still be decommissioned and have to retire from active duty, but I would be allowed to keep my memory. In return, I would aid the organization any time the gravest threats reared their heads. And a Forsaken as powerful as my old student Chad qualifies.
"The Privileged Ones are few in number," said Lotus. "And our names are classified, even from each other. I can tell you without violating the rules, and since Chad seems to hate you even more than he does me, I figured it was necessary. But know this. There are teenagers and even a few young adults out there who are former KND who are ready to answer the call from Numbah 362 when they are needed...
"The few, the proud, the Young at Heart."<
...now, while there are such things as Teen Operatives, as shown with Maurice (who I believe shows up himself in the sequel), the whole "Young at Heart" business is Brian's fanwanky invention. He loves to come up with new titles and abilities for his heroes, and they largely have stupid names like that one.
And I think he meant for her to say, "I can't tell you..."
>The team and the Girls were hanging on to every word.
"So," said Numbah Two. "Who else is Privileged?"
"Like I said," said Lotus. "Our identities are kept secret even from each other. But I believe I might know of a few. Two whom you might know of are Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen..."<
...excuse me, I have to go laugh my head off.
...
Okay, I'm better. Now, according to Wikipedia, the Olsen twins were born in June of 1986. That's the same year I was born, incidentally. So I'm two months older than they are. This chapter was published in 2004, so they would be eighteen at the time. Technically they were still young enough at this point, but it's still one hell of a stretch.
>The eight children gasped.
"The Olsen Twins were Kids Next Door?" exclaimed Numbah Five.
"Uh huh," said Lotus. "They were agents around the same time as I was, and left about a year before I did, but while they were agents, they were among the organization's greatest spies. I know it doesn't make much sense, but..."
"No, no, it makes perfect sense!" said Numbah One. "I remember reading in the Moonbase archives about how seven years ago, there was an agent named Numbah 22 who the best spy and espionage agent the KND had! The enemy seemed to think that she could somehow be in two places at once, but that was impossible, unless..."
"Unless Numbah 22 was twins," said Lotus. "Mary-Kate and Ashley were Numbah 22, and as identical twins, it was a clever ruse that let them pretend to be two places at once, easily enabling them to penetrate enemy territory with ease.<
Oh, in the name of Torak's burning eye, Brian! Not only did he make the Olsen Twins into KND agents, he made them into superagents who were better than all the rest. He just turned real fucking people into Mary Sues!
Deep breaths... okay, I'm better now.
There's nothing special about twin agents, by the way. Canon gives us at least two sets, Numbahs 8a and 8b and Numbah 44. And the Olsens are fraternal.
>"They even designed a dangerous gambit that worked very well. One of the twins would infiltrate an enemy base and purposely let herself be captured. Naturally, the enemy expected a rescue attempt by the rest of her team, which always came, and while they prepared for that, and later fought to repel it, the other twin would sneak in, grab whatever secret information was needed, and sabotage their security, allowing her team – and her twin – to escape, and getting out herself before they realized she was there. It was risky, but it never failed. It seems that villains always enjoy gloating over a captured foe, never doing away with her when they have the chance. That's the way villains are... brains of tapioca.<
Apparently, in Brian's universe, villains aren't just Genre Blind, they're literally blind.
Numbah 86 bursts in, and she clearly isn't a friend of Lotus:
>"Well," said Lotus. "If it isn't the Terminator. I heard about what happened when Chad tried to send the Moonbase into the sun, you big crybaby." The team chuckled.
"You want ta say that ta my face, Lotus?" said 86.
Lotus grabbed her by the collar and lifted her up until they were eye-to-eye. Numbah 86 started to sweat.
"You're a big crybaby," she said. "That better? I'm not afraid of you, 86."<
No, you're just an asshole, Lotus.
>She dropped her.
"Yer threading on thin ice, Lotus," said Numbah 86. "If it were up ta me I'd have ya decommissioned permanently!"
"But it isn't up to you, 86," said Lotus. "If you want to revoke my Privileged Status, you'll have to take it up with Numbah 362, and if she agrees, you are free to plug me into the machine. But I warn you, she likely won't agree. She and I go way back."
Numbah 86 started to sweat again. Her fear of Numbah 362 was well known.<
Mary Sue Sign #90: They throw their weight around to get their way, even over the slightest things.
>"You know what I don't like about you, Numbah 86?" said Lotus. "You're nothing but a bully. You like your job too much; is it any wonder why incidents of Runners have doubled since you took over decommissioning? A proper decommissioning officer should be kind and sympathetic, not cruel and sadistic like you.
"Let me tell you something, 86," she continued. "You are going to have to face decommissioning someday, and I truly doubt you are going to be given the same offer as I was. You know why? Because every operative in the world hates your guts! They're likely going to laugh as your memories are sucked away!"<
OKAY, Brian! We get it! You hate Numbah 86! Move on, already!
>Numbah 86 paused.
"I have no problem with that," she said, slowly.
"No, you will," said Lotus. "You're such a coward, that I won't be surprised at all if you become the thing you hate the most – a Runner. And when that happens, there will be no shortage of volunteers ready to hunt you down, because like I say, everyone hates you. I might volunteer myself."<
How noble. I might vomit. COWARD COUNT: 3
>By now Numbah 86 was very angry. "What gives you the right to speak to me that way?" she said.
Lotus grabbed her again.
"Because I'm bigger than you," she said. "That's why."<
Our hero: a egomaniac who has no problems with turning to schoolyard bullying tactics! Why are we supposed to like her again?
>She dropped her.
She picked up her sword and strapped it on. "Remember what I said, 86," she said. "It isn't too late."
She turned to the team and the Powerpuff Girls.
"And folks, I know we'll meet again," she said. "If you need me, I'll find you. Don't try to find me, as the Privileged must keep to themselves. Until next time..."
She leapt to the treetops and was out of sight within minutes.<
If we're lucky, this will be her only appearance. I think it is, but I'm not sure. I hope it is.
I just want to get this over with... The KND and PPG discuss the current battle, and both realize that they need to work out a plan for the future. The girls invite the KND to their house, and both sides agree to meet the next day before heading for home.
>As they did so, they had no idea that a small robotic eye was watching them.
Thunder started to roll in the sky. A storm was coming.<
Some day a real rain will come and wash the scum out of these streets, hopefully starting with fanfic authors like this one.
Mojo and the Delightful Children autopsy their defeat:
>"So why hasn't Chad gotten back yet?" said Mojo.
"He's probably too ashamed to show his stupid face," said the Delightful Children. "Who needs him anyway? We can do just fine without a stupid former Kid Next Door handling our business."
"Who are you calling stupid?" said a voice at the door.
A dark shape entered, and thunder rolled. The dark shape gave way to a tall figure in black armor.<
If we were lucky, that would be Darth Vader. But we aren't. It's just Cree:
>"Since when do you brats hang around monkeys?" she said. "You'll get fleas!"
"Hey!" said Mojo. "Number one, I bathe every day! Number two, I'm a chimpanzee, not a monkey! There's a difference!"
"Mojo," said the Children. "We suggest not talking back..."<
Why? He's a relief from the Praise Lotus-fest, and that was half-clever dialogue.
Cree goes on about how Chad and Princess are overreliant on brute force, and that she prefer subtlety:
>Cree took a notebook out of her armor and started to write some words down.<
Somewhere in the word, a fanfic author clutched his chest and fell dead at his computer.
>"You want the Kids Next Door and the Powerpuff Girls taken care of?" she said. "I can lead them to their doom fairly easily, but not via a frontal assault. I'll need to use your facility in the factory district, and your skills in chemistry, Mojo."
She handed them the notebook.
"Handle this, and your mutual enemies will be as good as gone!"
"Hmmm," said Mojo, looking at it. "I suppose this is scientifically feasible... but I'll need a good two days..."<
If it's anything like the two days it took to make Chad's armor, it'll be done after the chapter break.
>"We can help," said the Delightful Children. "We've done something similar to this before, and this time we can correct the old mistakes."
"Exactly," said Cree. "And this time, there will be no room for error..."<
It's bad form not to leave error margins.
Well... that hurt more than I thought it would... And we have yet to reach the halfway point.
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