Wherein almost the entire chapter is a fight scene. Brace yourself.
The title is "Splitting Hairs", which basically tells you up-front who's involved.
>It was now 6PM in the Treehouse.
"Where should she be?" said Numbah Four. "I'm starving!"
"Think she got lost?" said Numbah Two.
"The pizza place is three blocks from here," said Numbah Five. "Is she that dumb?"
They all thought for a minute.
"NAAH!" they all said at once.<
Maybe she's just related to Ryoga Hibiki.
>"I'm getting worried," said Numbah One, taking his communicator out of his pocket. "I'd better phone her."
He punched the button that said "3" and held it to his ear. He listened for a minute.
"Okay, now we can worry!" he said. "The line is dead! He phone was either deactivated or destroyed!"<
Or she turned it off because she got into a Rainbow Monkey frenzy and didn't want to be distracted.
A robot bird flies in just as the KND start to get worried, and Numbah One shoots it out of the sky. It's carrying a note.
>He read it. It was written in very bad handwriting.
Dear Kids Next Door,
We have kidnapped Numbah Three! She is with us, but not via her own free will! We took her, and she did not like! If you check the areas where she is most often found, she will not be there, because she is with us! If you ever want to see her alive again, and not in some unliving state, come to the old warehouse on the corner of Madison and Monroe at exactly eight o'clock PM tonight. Do not come at seven forty-five, do not come at eight fifteen, but come at exactly eight o'clock! Remember, we know you are not fools, so do not try anything tricky, underhanded, or otherwise uncouth. Come to the warehouse at eight o'clock exactly.
Sincerely,
The Delightful Children From Down The Lane
P.S. Thank you for the pizza.<
Mojo's undergone some serious Flanderization here. He thinks in redundencies, but he's not quite as bad as Brian writes him.
>Numbah Four was in rage.
"Enraged" or "in a rage". "In rage" makes it sound like he's hitting a Limit Break.
>"Those monsters!" he screamed. "They've got Numbah Three! When I get my hands on them, I'm gonna..."
"Hold on Numbah Four," said Numbah One, adjusting his sunglasses. "There's something awfully suspicious about this note..."
"What do you mean?"
"How many times have we fought the Delightful Children?"
"About a million!"
"Yes, and they usually don't write this sloppy," said Numbah Four. "This handwriting looks like something a five-year-old might have written. The Delightful Children usually write more elegantly, like calligraphy on parchment."<
You know, I bring this up a lot, but Brian really needed a beta. That last paragraph is supposed to be "said Numbah One".
Numbah Two catches onto the redundancies, but Numbah Four points out that regardless of who did it, they still need to save Numbah Three. Thus they break out yet another silly-named vehicle.
We SCENE CHANGE to the KND arriving at the warehouse, Numbah Four in a frothing rage and Numbah One trying to keep him under control. They land, and enter, weapons drawn.
>They pushed open the side door and moved in. The warehouse was huge... but it seemed that finding Numbah Three would be easier than previously believed.
They say her on the far wall. She was spread-eagle, her hands and feet strapped by metal shackles. She looked up and saw them. Next to her was a large glass booth dark inside, underneath which was a metal door.<
Oh, they're just taping Win Ben Steins Money. Never mind!
>"Guys?" she said, as they started to come up. "Don't..."
If someone doesn't get turned into a puppet, I riot.
>"Calm down, Numbah Three," whispered One. "We're here. Numbah Five, you're the lockpick expert – try to undo those shackles."
Oh, goody, she's the Master of Unlocking.
As Numbah Five breaks Numbah Three out, she reveals that the Delightful Children are absent. At this point, the real villain speaks up.
>The light in the booth came on, and the four teammates backed up. They had only seen him once before, but he was hard to miss.
"Mojo Jojo!" said Numbah One, in surprise.
"Yeah!" said Numbah Three. "And he's the yuckiest one ever! He smells like rotten Rainbow Monkeys!"<
Which smell different from regular monkeys how?
>"What are you doing here?" said One. "Why did you imitate the Delightful Children?"
"Let me ask you a question?" said Mojo Jojo. "Do you like old movies? Old Alfred Hitchcock movies? Old Alfred Hitchcock movies like Strangers on a Train?"
"Uh, no!" said all five of them at once.<
I'm honestly surprised they don't know that movie, given that the PPG had seen Children of the Corn earlier.
>"It was a movie where two people decided to trade murder victims to do away with alibis and get away with them!" said Mojo. "After thinking for a considerable amount of time, I came up with a brilliant plan, and the Delightful Children From Down The Lane and I have tonight decided on a similar strategy! In about one hour from now, they and an old acquaintance of yours will unleash a trap designed to eradicate my old enemies and your new allies!"<
Mojo seems to have forgotten the part where one of the men involved can't bring himself to do it... Something tells me Brian never actually saw that movie.
>"Okay!" said Numbah Five. "Two things. One, you crazy. Two, we beat you once, and we'll just do it again!"
The four of them raised their weapons and fired at the booth, but the projectiles bounced off of the glass. Mojo laughed again.
"Foolish Kids Next Door," he said. "I have shared technological knowledge with the Delightful Children, enough to quickly put together this transparent blast shield strong enough to repel your typical weapons.<
Or to put it another way, 'Your weapons are useless against me!'
>And I did not come alone, either..." He pressed a button on a console, and the doors below him started to open...
A shadowy figure appeared, feminine in shape, with a large head of hair. She stepped into view, and the team saw that she was dressed in a red, harlot-like outfit. She looked at them, and her hair started to move.
"Meet Seduca!" said Mojo.<
A few seconds on the PPG Wiki informed me that her name is spelled 'Sedusa'. This is not a hard thing to learn. While PPG was still on the air, a friend informs me, there was a music video on heavy rotation on Cartoon Nework, using clips from the show, that showed her name.
Even without access to such info, it should be common sense that "Seduce" + "Medusa" = "Sedusa". Yet Brian gets the name wrong. This does not bode well for any other information he gives us.
>"Mojo!" said Seduca, turning to him. "You called me all the way from Townsville to handle a bunch of ten-year-olds?"
"Just remember our deal, Seduca!" said Mojo. "You'd still be in jail and bald if not for me!"<
...when did he break her out? Did it happen in canon? If it did, you'd expect Brian to recap it for us, given his love of infodumping.
>"Fine," said Seduca. "I always love an easy job..."
She sprang, and landed in front of them, like a puma ready to strike.<
Annnnnnnd cue The Puma Man Theme! "Se/dusa/Ad-dict-ed to Ro-gaine!"
>"She doesn't look so tough," said Numbah Four.
"Open fire!" said Numbah One.
The four of them aimed their weapons, but Seduca was ready. Before they fired, her hair stretched out, and enveloped herself in a type of cocoon. The bottle blaster rays, jalapeno rays, and bubble gum bullets hit, but all of the blasts failed to penetrate the ropy strands.<
Now I get this mental image of Sedusa as Bayonetta.
>"Hold your fire!" said Numbah One.
"Not even a scratch..." said Numbah Two. "That's some durable hairdo!"
"Not only durable," said Seduca, "but deadly!"
Suddenly, four long strands reached out, and seized the weapons from their hands!<
I'm going to guess they fire with the gun in one hand, arm fully extended. That's the only way to explain how easy it is to disarm the KND in this fic.
>As the agents looked at surprise at their empty hands, Seduca brought her hair down and examined the four weapons.
"These things look incredibly simple," she said. "I guess all I have to do is... point and pull the trigger!"<
Given how well the KND are doing thus far, it's astonishing that their guns don't have "POINT THIS END AT ENEMY" on the sides.
Also: "in surprise", not "at surprise".
>She aimed all four of the weapons at them, and fired! The operatives scattered.
Numbah Three looked on in dismay. She couldn't move, but at least, she could shout support.
"Numbah Four, watch out on the left!" she said.
"Thanks Kuki!" said Four, as he dodged the mustard gun.
"Numbah Five, she's trying to get ya in crossfire!" she yelled again.
Five backflipped out of the way, dodging two blasts.<
"On your left! No, your other left!" "STOP HELPING ME!"
>"Curses," said Mojo. "I knew I should have gagged her. But then again, if I had, they likely would have removed the gag the instant they found her, making that useless, and leading us to the same situation we now have here. Possibly a better idea would have been to have attacked by ambush... oh well, they cannot avoid Seduca forever."<
Villains in Brian Corvello stories are surprisingly Genre Blind.
>Numbah Two ran towards Seduca and pulled a small remote out of his pocket. He punched in a number.
"Ten... feet..." he said.
"Huh?" said Seduca. "You must have some sort of death wish, chubby!" She aimed all four weapons at him.
"I built those four weapons, beautiful," said Numbah Two, sarcastically, "so don't think I didn't put fail-safes inside them just in case something like this ever happened!"<
Fail-safes that we haven't heard of until this point. Also: thanks for telling us he said it sarcastically, Brian. It's not like we could have figured out he wasn't complimenting the murderous villain's looks sincerely.
>He opened a glass hinge on the remote, and pushed a button on it that said "Self Destruct: Do not use unless you really, really need to!"
Then the four weapons blew up in Seduca's face!
"That'll give you a few split ends!" said Numbah Two<
He had to punch in a code number beforehand. Did it need the mollyguard? And why aren't the rest of the team groaning over his one-liners? There's another bit of canon characterization out the window.
The attack does nothing to Sedusa, who backhands Numbah Two into a salon chair that has no real reason to be there in the first place.
>"Besides," said Seduca, "I still have a weapon or two!"
She grabbed her earrings and removed them. She threw them at the other three operatives, and they exploded, sending the three of them flying from the point of impact.<
I see Sedusa has taken some style tips from Leona Heidern.
>They all dragged themselves to their feet. They were hurt, but they were tough.
"Four, Five, try to take her down!" said One. "Two, help me get Three out of there!"
Four and Five formed fighting stances.
"Okay you living bad hair day," said Four. "I'll let you know I always loved pulling girls' hair in kindergarten!"
"Don't I know it..." said Five.<
Yes, because attacking your opponent's weapons head-on is perfectly tactically sensible.
>The two of them leapt at Seduca; but getting the jump on someone who has dealt with the super-speed of the Powerpuff Girls is hard to say the least. Seduca caught them in mid-leap.
As the two combatants struggled, Seduca rubbed her chin. "Let's see," she said. "What to do next? Slam you to pulp against the wall? Crush you in my coils? Shove some hair down your throats and rip out some major organs? There are so many delightful possibilities!"
"Did you consider this option?" said Five. She let out a kick, and nailed Seduca in the face. She dropped them. Numbah Four struck next, slugging Seduca in the stomach.
But it was of little help. Seduca was hardened after several battles with her super-strong primary enemies. And unlike the intellectual Mojo Jojo, she was trained to take punishment.<
Mojo's taken considerable amounts of punishment, if I recall correctly. He's also fought the girls more often than she has, so he should be more used to their blows. Trying to make her sound like a greater combat threat than he is just makes it look like Brian hasn't really watched the show.
While Sedusa beats the hell out of them, One and Two work to undo Three's shackles.
>"Seduca!" yelled Mojo. "Finish those two fast, or you're going to have another one to deal with!"
"I'm trying you big baboon!" said Seduca, taking a swipe at Four.
"I'm not a baboon, you bimbo!" he said. "I'm a chimpanzee, there's a difference! Baboons are larger, and they have doglike faces and proportionately shorter arms, and they are..."<
Brian shows us that he can Google Search.
One and Two break out Three, and they run back to see if there's any weaponry in their vehicle.
>Three and Two ran out, as One ran to a stack of crates.
Mojo cackled.
"Have them bring all the weapons they desire!" he said. "Seduca cannot be stopped by your feeble 2x4 technology!"<
'Don't you get it?!? YOUR WEAPONS! DON'T! WORK!'
>One ignored him. He opened the crate and saw something interesting – barber scissors!
"Hey, Seduca!" he said. "Think fast!"
He seized a handful of scissors, and hurled them at the foe like a flurry of shuriken. Quickly, Seduca landed, and caught them all with her hair.<
Amazing control she has there, assuming that she caught them by the handles.
The fight rages on, and we get a SCENE CHANGE:
>Outside, Numbahs Two and Three were having little luck finding replacement weapons, looking as fast as they were.
"I found a duct tape grenade," said Three, looking in a drawer.
"Spare mustard gun," said Two, opening a cabinet. "It's a start..."
Three opened a chest.
"Numbah Two, look!" she said.
Some time ago, on a mission that was recorded in Global Command records as "Operation S.H.A.V.E.", the team had to rescue the Arizona branch of the Kids Next Door from living, sentient moustaches. For this mission, Two had created some special 2x4 weaponry, including the shaving cream throwers. After it was over, these weapons served no purpose, so Numbah One told Two to stash them somewhere (Two never liked to throw things away unless he had to). He must have stashed some of them in the S.C.A.M.P.E.R., because there were four shaving cream throwers in this chest!<
Hurrah for backstory Ass Pull! Isn't it just convenient that the only weapons that would do them any good were stashed away in this vehicle we've never seen before?
The guns are still loaded (never mind that shaving cream dries up pretty quickly unless you use it), and so they rush back into the fray.
>"Just follow my lead," whispered Two.
"Okay, Three, let her have it!" said Two.
"Hey scary hair-lady!" said Three. "Have some extra-spicy!"
She fired, and this time Seduca wasn't prepared. She was hit dead center, and fell over. She held her head.<
While Brian makes his usual paragraphing mistake, this one's a little different. It needed a connecting line between the two quotes; they don't work stacked one-on-another like that. And how was Sedusa not prepared for that? She's in combat mode and Three called her attack.
>"Okay team," said One. "Cream her!"
One, Two, Four, and Five fired the throwers. Bulls-eye! Seduca was covered with specially prepared shaving cream, and her hair became bunched up!
"You slimy little worms!" she said, getting up. "I'm going to tear you to pieces!"
She glared at them, but then started to strain.
"My hair..." she said.
She touched her hair, and found that it was caught in sticky goo!
"You ruined my hair!" she screamed.<
A less mature man would make a Theres Something About Mary joke. I like to think I'm above that.
>"Remember us?" said Numbah Four, as he and Numbah Five closed in on her.
The two of them leveled a flurry of punches as Seduca and she staggered under them.
"Guys, heard her towards that salon chair!" said Two.<
Oh, so that's why there was a salon chair in an empty warehouse with no reason to have a salon chair - a half-assed attempt at a Chekovs Gun. (There's a throwaway line near the beginning about how it used to be a hair-care place, but I didn't catch it without specifically going back to reread the start of the second scene.) You need to draw attention to the gun on the mantelpiece if you're going to have it go off in Act Three, at least if you want your readers to understand why it went off.
>Two jump kicks from Four and Five, and Seduca fell backwards into the chair, dazed.
"Gotcha!" said Numbah Two. He threw the grenade, and when it hit Seduca, it burst, releasing a tangle of sticky strands of duct tape, securing her to the chair!
"You scummy little trolls!" she shouted. "When I get out of here I'll..."
"Now, now," said Numbah One. "Don't you know better than to insult people who have you at their mercy?"<
And don't you know better than to be a jackass to the helpless? I guess not, since Brian thinks it's a hero's prerogative to be an asshole when the villain can't fight back. We'll see more proof of this in the future.
>Hmmm, thought Mojo. Seduca's defeat now seems imminent. Staying here would no longer benefit me much. In fact, it would not benefit me at all, it would be much more of a liability. It would thus be of my best interest to depart, and hope that my allies will have more luck with the Powerpuff Girls when they strike...
He looked at his watch.
...half an hour from now.<
"Assuming I've got the timezone right."
>"She's all yours, Numbah Three!" said Numbah Two.
Numbah Three walked up to Seduca.
"What are you..." said Seduca.
Three reached into her pocket and pulled out a tool – a power razor!<
As a man whose facial hair grows thickly, I can tell you that the first thing my father taught me when I started shaving was that you never use an electric when your hair is wet. Using a power razor on a shaving-cream-saturated head is just going to wreck the razor.
>"NOOO!" shouted Seduca. "Not that! Please!"
"Oh, sit still!" said Numbah Three, laughing. She turned it on.
Three plunged into Seduca as the villainess continued to scream. Hair started to fly.
"Oh, come now," said Numbah Three. "You keep squirming, you're not gonna get a lollypop!"
Seduca eventually stopped moaning, just as Three finished off her hair. She was unconscious.
"Hmmm," said Numbah Two. "Just like Samson. No hair, no strength."<
I haven't watched her episodes in a while, but I'm pretty sure shaving her head just pisses her off and takes her weapons away. And am I the only one disturbed by how much Numbah Three enjoys crippling people?
Numbah One turns to confront Mojo, but he's fled. He then vetoes calling the Moonbase in on Sedusa (why would they care? Last chapter taught us they don't give a crap unless the villains specifically target kids), since they need to go help the PPG against whichever foe the Delightful Children called in on them. So our chapter ends with the KND flying off to the rescue.
A little better than previous battle-heavy chapters, but balanced by the introduction of sadistic tendencies in Corvello heroes.
