It is at this point when we get the classic Falling-in-Love Montage. And this is where the other problem comes up.
If you're making a film that specifically contrasts empty, cliché relationships with real, honest, fulfilling ones, there's one thing you must absolutely, unquestionably make sure to do. The real, honest, fulfilling relationship must actually be real, honest, and fulfilling! Because if it's not, then not only are you subjecting the audience to another cliché romance, you're simultaneously telling them that it is a bad thing. Which is tantamount to telling someone you're a bad writer in your own story.
Now, let's be as fair to this movie as possible. There have be other, entirely reasonable relationships that started off adversarial. Let's go to the one that has as many parallels to this one as possible: Disney's Beauty and the Beast. Belle's first encounter with the Beast is that he has taken her father captive; he then offers to release him if she will agree to say in his place. And she does.
This is as close as it gets to enslaving a woman you just met to give to your worthless girlfriend.
The difference is this: Belle doesn't start falling for the Beast until he stops being a douchebag! It's totally conditional: he must start being someone she could love before she actually does.
Yvaine doesn't. Tristan has not changed one bit, even after their conversation where he realizes that his "relationship" with Victoria is entirely one-sided. He still insists that she's going to his girlfriend, and his earlier fait accompli isn't relevant because their candle was used up. But no, she's falling for him even though he's a complete prick. Why?
Because they've had a Falling In Love Montage. And they dance. Ergo, they're in love. It's bad-movie law: Montage + Dance = Love.
So yeah; the movie has thoroughly undermined its entire premise. The entire reason for this movie's existence just went down the crapper, because the writers for this movie couldn't write anything other than a cliché romance. I'd be willing to believe that the book was better in this regard, as it is generally easier to sell romance in novel form than in a movie.
The reason for this points to another problem with the movie. The reason novels tend to do a better job portraying real romance is because they have more time to develop characters. This movie had time, too. It however wastes 20+ minutes of its running time with the nowhere plotline of the 7 Princes. That time could have been put to better use, you know, developing actual characters. Rather than a lame montage, we could have had actual character development.
After the movie is finished sabotaging itself, nothing much happens. Well, nothing of importance. You see typical villain stuff from our two antagonists; they're still trying to hunt down Yvaine. Septimus discovers that eating the heart of a star makes you immortal, but remember: his part of the plot is meaningless. And unfortunately you get to see De Niro destroying his credibility some more, as he teaches Tristan swordplay.
The closest thing we get to something interesting happening is when Yvaine starts glowing. See, Yvaine is a star, and stars glow. They seem to do so more when they're happy, and being in love with Tristan makes her happy. Shakespeare tells her that this gives away her nature, and she should control her emotions.
If this were a good movie, her continued inability and unwillingness to do so would have consequences. Of course, this is a crappy movie, so it doesn't. This line exists solely to tell the audience what they already know: our doormat in distress is in love with our jerkass hero.
And I have to say, the glowing effect is really, really weak looking. None of the special effects have been particularly good, but for something so integral to the plot, it looks really bad.
Eventually they finally get off the ship; he's taken them within a day's journey or so to the wall. While the pair walks down a road, they encounter a carriage. This causes Tristan to push Yvaine off the road. Showing a rather shocking display of non-idiocy, he's actually concerned about people spotting Yvaine.
The result of this action is that he's lying on top of Yvaine in the bushes. Some not-romance happens between the two, further undermining the story's premise while simultaneously trying the patience of an audience who's lost all patience around the time Tristan took a girl he's known for 2 minutes captive.
Eventually the pair encounter Ditchwater Sal. If you've forgotten the one-shot character from over an hour ago, she's the witch who owns Tristan's mother. The one that Lamia, the head evil witch, hexed to not be able to notice Yvaine at all. Oh, did I mention that this witch has turned Tristan's mom into a bird? She turns her human only to let her do real work. Oh, if only she had done this before Dunsten showed up...
Tristan tries to barter passage in her carriage. Wait, what? I know he wants to get to the wall quickly and all, but what? Just a couple of scenes ago, he was actively avoiding anyone. And now he's hitching rides. I suppose it makes sense; he's fallen out of practice at being a moron, so he has to do something monumentally stupid to keep in shape.
In any case, Sal notices that flower that was given to his father by his mother. And she accepts the flower as payment. Tristan only asks what's special about the flower after he has handed it over. She replies by telling him that it would prevent her from doing "this." And she turns him into a mouse.
Old Lady, you are the wind beneath my wings. If only she'd step on him and end my misery altogether.
Sadly, Sal isn't entirely unscrupulous. She's still going to honor their arrangement. Which begs the question: what exactly was the point of turning him into a mouse? No, really; she's just going to drop him off in town and turn him back. So why bother with the spell in the first place?
Because it allows us to have the Love Confession Scene between the two be one-sided. Yvaine realizes that Sal can't see her, and she can't even touch Sal due to the enchantment. So she simply stows away aboard the carriage. While there, she confesses her love to the mouse, on the assumption that Mouse-Tristan can't understand what she says.
This scene only furthers the undermining of the story's intent. Yvaine talks about how humans are terrible people except for their capacity to love, that human love is better than anything else in the universe. And that it's unconditional and whatnot, how she doesn't want acts of devotion even though she's giving him one here. Typical cliché schlock, which the movie is supposed to be calling immature.
It is at this point when I feel the need to go off on a tangent about this kind of "romance." Yeah, I know half this so far is a tangent, but I have an important point to make this time.
There is this modern belief, likely influenced by mass media, that love is something you feel, and that doing something for people is merely an expression of this emotion. That feeling and action can in some way be separate things.
Bullocks. You can think you feel whatever you want, but it is only when you do something that you are expressing love. Saying "I love you" to someone you violently abuse every week or so doesn't mean squat. Even feeling that emotion doesn't mean jack if you violently abuse your SO; in all likelihood, what you're feeling isn't actually "love" so much as possession.
The problem with Tristan and Victoria's relationship isn't that she wants some particular "act of devotion;" the problem is that she isn't reciprocating. He is required to expend effort to prove his love, and he is willing to accept that she will do nothing except marry him. In short, the problem is that he doesn't care what she feels; he only wants to possess her, and he's willing to go through a lot to do so.
What is the nature of the love between Tristan and Yvaine? There isn't any. Not even the immature grand act of devotion. It's completely empty, hollow, and worthless. The sole basis of this relationship is them saying "I love you" to each other. Neither side is reciprocating. And neither side cares what the other side feels, because as Yvaine says, it's "unconditional."
I hate to keep beating on this movie with great Disney romances, but one of the most romantic scenes in Beauty and the Beast is when Beast introduces Belle to his library. Why? Because it shows that Beast understands what Belle enjoys and provides this. Even moreso, he makes an effort to learn how to read, because he understands that this is important to her. And it is only by doing things that the couple grows closer together.
Stardust has it totally backwards. Love isn't feeling; love is doing.
