We're back, guys! After watching a few more minutes of this joyful romp, I've come up with a short but exciting segment I just had to call:
Part 4: Nothing Useful Happens At All
(Watch along with me at 0:18 here
.)
The background chatter of birds tweeting carries over into the next scene, as we fade onto our Sexy Duck Narrator. SDN is back (there’s a Justin Timberlake joke in there somewhere, but I do have some dignity left), flying as she relates to us what happened after the events we just witnessed.
“Tio’s father carried him hooome, he felt very nauseous and had a— terrible headache!” Ugh, the way she says it, it sounds so wrong.
Sexy Duck Narrator then descends from the sky, floating down from the heavens in a straight line. It makes me think of an angel being lowered from the rafters in a really crappy play. Hey, maybe, if Tyrannosaurus rex is Dinosaur God, Sexy Duck Narrator is Dinosaur Gabriel!
Anyway, SDN—uh, I guess you’d call it landing, but she more just stops on— the branch and spazzes out some more, shaking her head back and forth and waving her wings erratically. This only proves that movements for the sake of movement is not a good thing. Actors, take note.
“He had a… light. Concussion." Even William Shatner would cringe at that dramatic pause. "A few days later, after he had, recovered, he experienced a massive thunderstorm that could be heard through the whole. Valley.” The woman VA is the worst actress in the world. Can she not read a sentence? Did her teachers never call on her in class? If so, why did she decide to become an actress? The mind boggles.
Also, “experience” a thunderstorm? That is just gah.
PASS goofy crow.
SDN is back on the ground, in her Ready For Lovemaking pose. “But the WORST thing for Tio, was, that during this time, Cree had not been allowed to visit him once! Which he missed ‘em.”
Which he missed ‘em? Which he missed ‘em? Even connected to the other lines, that doesn’t make sense. Finish your sentence! STOP LEAVING CLAUSES DANGLING! I DEMAND IT!
And fade out. Wow, that helped a lot. I’m so glad we cut to a narrator to tell us that. Because it was vital to know Tio got a LIGHT concussion from falling twenty feet from the air and felt nauseous, then "experienced" a thunderstorm, then wasn’t allowed to visit Cree. It’s not like you could have shown us that, or at least mentioned it in the real plot. Nope, Bluey couldn’t have said something like, “Tio, you’re not allowed to see Cree again!” or something. Clearly, this job required a narrator.
Next scene: We get some cheesy jolly music and even MORE shots of the clipart dinosaurs walking. Jeez. I mean, there’s padding, and then there’s padding. And then there's pillows wrapped in boxing gloves, and then there’s Dingo Picture’s Pointless Animal Shots. So much padding.
Cree passes by, flying in profile, and we cut to Bluey shouting at Tio. “That is the last time that you— played with Cree! He’d, better not show his face around here again!”
Oh, you’re kidding me. You’re fucking kidding me. I just said that, but in better English and with fewer words, five seconds ago! You're kidding me!
I swear, I completely forgot about that scene. I didn’t know it was coming, I just made that up on the fly. Oh, man. What’s the point of the Sexy Duck Narrator if people in the show are just going to repeat what she says ANYWAY?
... oh, right, padding.
Anyway, Tio whines, “And who should I play with then?”
His mother replies, “Play with Faa, she’s the same age as you.” Ooh, a new character! It’s great they chose to introduce her by having them talk about her, rather than actually showing her at all. Showing rather than telling might have come dangerously close to being interesting.
“But I can’t stand her, she always knows everything better.” I think I like her already. Maybe she knows how to fix this movie. Or at least knows how to write a basic English sentence.
“She also goes regularly to Oro’s class,” says Greeney. “From tomorrow, you’ll be going there together. Now, off to bed with you.” Wait, what? I thought he was going off to play? It’s broad daylight, why should he go to bed?
Before her line is even over, they start up with this weird synth war song. It’s like something out of a battle in Dances with Wolves, if Dances with Wolves used synthesizers. But even Kevin Costner has more self-respect.
Oh, and PASS some clipart dinos eating.
Tio is suddenly walking through the jungle by himself. I thought he was going to bed. Is his bed on the other side of the jungle? Or did the movie just forget what it was doing again? I swear, this movie would get lost going to the bathroom. Anyway, unsurprisingly, Cree is lurking about, waiting for Tio to show up. He hovers next to a tree, flapping his wings. Flight does not work that way. Cree, why must you poop on the laws of physics?
“Heeey, Tio!” he whispers, doing his best impression of an aggressive drug dealer. “Is everything alright?”
“No!” shouts Tio. Jeez, what’s the point of being quiet? “Nothing’s okay. I’m not allowed to see you, anymore, and as—soon as tomorrow I have to go to Oro’s class with that BUH—lizard Faa.” What’s with the hostility to education? You should be grateful for the opportunity, you little snot! Not every lizard gets to go to school! This kid sounds SO bratty, I just want to punch him in his stupid red dinosaur nose. And what was with the "BUH-lizard." Was that just crappy reading, or a Last-Second Word Swap?
Cree tries to console Tio, saying Oro’s not so bad, but Tio whines some more about how they won’t get to play together. Whine whine whine bitch bitch bitch God shut up.
“Well, just— we’ll just meet secretly, that’s all,” says Cree. “That’s more exciting anyway.” ... okay, that's it. This isn’t a simple intergenerational friendship. I’m not alone, right? Please tell me I’m not alone in reading this as the story of some weird sexual predator— Cree as a prehistoric parrot Humbert and Tio as a red-nosed, neon green Lolita. He wants to meet Tio in secret, because it’s "more fun"… he wants to make sure his father doesn't catch them together... Tio encourages it enough though it causes him pain... it is not possible to look at this and not see the implications. What were they thinking??
Anyway, we cut to Tio’s head jittering, to show that he’s happy with this solution. He doesn’t say anything or really nod, his head just jitters a bit. Cree flies away, giggling. A gong crashes. The end. Fade out.
Truly, we have witnessed a landmark scene in film history. The next scene is quite long, so I’ll stop here. It’s cool, ‘cause it means we’re mirroring Tio’s journey— tomorrow, we, too, shall meet the mysterious Oro! What powers does he have? What knowledge will he share? What wonders will we learn?
None, none, and none are my guess, but let’s wait and see.
