(Watch along with me here
, then here)
Cree and Tio walk off (Cree’s quick on his feet for what’s essentially a parrot), and for some reason they’re playing a [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jew's_harp Jew’s harp]]. Because when I think of dinosaurs, I think of idiophones.
The music transforms into this weird carnivalesque tune, as Tio whines, “I don’t want to go to Oro. What if he bosses me around. And scolds me.” Then he’ll be like your father?
Cree continues to be ass, saying, “Well, I’d have it easier. I’d just FLY awaaaaayyyyyy… nyheh heh heh.” Brag some more about how awesome you are, Cree—it’s not like it makes you come across as a jackass or anything.
Cut to the spike-nosed creature following them. Is this a PASS or just screen time for a minor character? I’m not sure. I’ll just say PASS anyway since the spike-nosed monster doesn’t have a reason for being here yet.
Inspired by Cree’s toolish behaviour, Tio comes up with a great idea for getting out of class: Cree can teach him how to fly! “That way if, the lesson is too boring I’ll just, upand fly awayyyy!” Wow, brilliant idea, kid!
Wait, what? Even for a five-year-old, that idea is retarded.
Cree relates that no other deano has ever come up with such a stupid plan—I mean, brilliant idea before, “so I’ve no idea if it’ll work. Oor !”
Cut back to Tio, who looks like he has something in his eye. But not like an eyelash or something— think more along the lines of “piece of shrapnel.” Tio ignores the huge piece of metal jutting out of his eye and begs Cree to teach him to fly.
“I suppose we could try it,” says Cree. For a 5-year-old this idea is dumb, but an adult buying this is just a load of crap. “But it won’t work without wings. That much is certain. We have to get you some wings. Yeah! That’s whatweneed!” Your voice is so annoying.
Cut to the spike-monster/living Laugh Track, laughing again. Why are you laughing— nothing funny has happened!
“Iiiii already have some,” says Tio, who suddenly has a pair of leaves in his arm. Where did those come from? Are you going to explain a bit? No? Tio just suddenly has wings now? You're not even going to show him picking them up, or looking around for them? No?
Okay, fine. Tio continues, “They’re nice and big—they should do .”
Cut back to spike-nosed monster. Oh, he's talking— so he is a minor character! Okay, spike-nosed hog monster says— oh, no, no no no...
“Instead of flyyyying Tio’s father will spank him for lyyyying.”
Oh, God. What the hell kind of rhyme is that? Why does the spike monster rhyme? And it doesn't speak—speaking would be too tolerable. It sing songs. Oh, this is just getting unbearable now. Also, during the “rhyme,” they cut to Tio again, whose head has gone all jittery. What the hell? It's like they have editing Tourettes!
So the spike-nosed monster has now joined Cree and Tio. Tio says, “Rubbish, Peak, if you don’t tell him then no one will that I’m, practicing flying.”
PASS the goofy crow flying.
Okay, four things. First, third rubbish of the movie—my God, is they movie trying to set a record? Second, the crow—if the crow is here, and the crow exists in the same world as the Sexy Duck Narrator, does that mean the SDN lives in this world? Then, what the hell is she doing narrating Tio’s lifestory?! Is the narrator a voyeur, stalking Tio and relating his every move back to us? This is so creepy. Third, the spike-nosed monster's name is Peak? Why? Why why why why why why WHY?
And fourth, this movie blows.
Cree admires Tio’s “wings” and says, “Now pay attention, I’ll show you how it’s… done.” Ha. Learning to fly from Cree, of all creatures. All he does is flap his wings up and down while the background moves—that’s not flying, that’s sucking.
So Cree starts flying/flapping, and for some reason he's now in profile. Ugh, wings do not look that way. Even the wings he had before didn’t look that way. I’m getting a headache watching this animation. As he flaps in the wind, the music suddenly changes to two off-key notes on an electric keyboard. Ooooooh, spooky.
Tio, little learner that he is, mimics Cree exactly— he’s also in awkward profile, and also using his limbs in ways that don’t work! In this case, his arms are rotated 180 degrees behind him.
Despite his obviously dislocated shoulders, Tio lifts and lowers his makeshift wings, picking up speed with all the fineness the crappy editing program can muster. We cut again, first to Peak, the spike-nosed crime against rhyme, then to Tio and Cree. Tio is still flapping uselessly, and Cree is flying awkwardly above him. He seems to have shrunk a lot. Did he go through the wash when I didn’t notice?
“Stronger you must beat STRONGER with the wings!” cries Cree. “And more elegantlyyyyy.”
“Elegance with elegance, Tio f-invites the bride to dance!”
…
The hell? What does that rhyme even mean?
In a scene straight out of an elementary school playground, Cree shouts, “Shut up Peak or you’re a freak!” Then he honks.
Yeah, it never makes sense.
Even the movie tries to forget that awkward scene. Tio, completely ignoring everything that just happened, complains, “Why in the name of… Tyrannosaurus rex, does it work for you and not for me!”
"In the name of Tyrannosaurus rex"? So Sharptooth is suddenly dinosaur God?
Cree proposes that the reason Tio isn’t flying is because he’s on the ground, and beginners should launch from the air. “I think my first attempt was out of my nest,” he says. “That was quite easy, as far as I can remember.”
“Makes sense to me,” says Tio. I am consistently shocked by the eloquence this kid speaks with. He almost sounds like a grown woman instead of a little boy! “Can you take me to your nest?”
... okay, maybe it’s just the weird vibe I’ve been getting off Cree, but I don’t think Tio should go back to his “nest.” It can only end in tears.
Fortunately, Cree is as disguised as I am by the thought of going to his "nest." “Yuck! Do we have to?” Wait, why is he so bothered by the idea of going back to his own home? It is messy? Does he not live there? Does it carry unpleasant childhood memories? Is that why he hangs around with Tio—to live his lost youth vicariously through him, like some prehistoric Michael Jackson?
Peak “rhymes” again. It’s not even a rhyme this time, it’s a really bad forced rhyme. “To start with a stone, that’s how it’s done!” It doesn’t even make any fucking sense! Why would you put in a rhyme that is terrible and doesn’t relate to the scene at all?! Law of Conservation of Details, guys! Law of Conservation of Details!
Oh. My. God. Cree actually understands what the hell Peak is saying. He laughs his evil laugh and says, “That’s the first time I’ve ever heard anything sensible from you." A this point my jaw literally dropped. I am beyond understanding this movie. "COME Tio that rock over there looks good to me.”
Cue “happy” music. Hatred of movie… rising.
We get ten seconds—ten fucking seconds, people!—of Tio and Cree walking toward the rock. WHY spend so much time on them just walking to the rock? I mean other than filler! There must be some other reason! There must be!
Cree thinks back to his first flight—“You just run off, beating with your wings, um erm that’s all there is to it—”
His rambling is drowned out by a sorry attempt at a comic drumroll as Tio runs off the cliff. As expected, it ends with Tio falling to the ground, while an equally sorry “comic falling” SFX follows. That is the worst rip-off of the Looney Tunes I’ve ever scene. Will E. Coyote should find these animators and strangle them.
Despite the comic sound effects, when Tio finally hits the ground (well, it’s more like bellyflops to the ground), we get this dramatic reverb “boing” sound. I’m reminded of Babylon 5. Tio lies motionless on the ground, flat on his stomach, his little red tongue sticking out. It matches his little red NOSE.
He's not moving. He's less animate than normal. His head isn't even jittering. HE MUST BE DEAD! Hoorah! Ding-dong ding-dong!
Cree and Peak flip out, as best as Dingo Pictures knows how: Cree starts flying/flapping, and Peak’s head starts… inflating like a balloon... ' * and they both let out some unconvincing shouts.
“Oh wake up oh no oh oh,” cries Cree, while using Tio’s head to play the bongos. Is it dramatic midi bongos time yet? Is Tio finally dead and this movie finally over?
Ha ha, of course not! That would be too merciful.
“Mammoth mayhem!” wails Cree, still using Tio’s head as a percussion instrument. “What do I do noooooow wake up!”
We cut to a longshot of Tio’s dad, who stands on his hind legs again. “Tiiooooooooooooooo!” he shout-growls.
Cree tries to wake Tio, saying, “The old man is coming wake up!”
When Bluey arrives, he shouts “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?”
I WISH I KNEW!
Cree, his voice quivering, admits that “Tio fell.”
“Aaasskktiio!” growls Bluey. Jeez, man, go to a voice therapy coach or something. He meant to growl, "I’ll ask Tio." He then adds, "Come on. Get up.”
Fortunately for Tio, but unfortunately for us, the sound of his father’s rage is enough to rouse the little green idiot from death. “Ow my head,” says Tio, hand/claw on his head. You didn’t even land on your head— you landed on your stomach! Your spine should be broken, dammit.
“Whassoscreemsuuffonyuhrams.” My awesome “moron incapable of speaking English-to-English” translator says he means, “What’s this green stuff on your arms?”
“Tio is trying to learn to fly, that’s what made him cryyyyyyyy!” I know something that’s making me cry.
Bluey is clearly quite angry, because his face doesn't change expression and he's as hard to understand as ever. “Rearning to FLY Creeo what have you been upto with my son!” It could be worse—he could have taken him back to his "nest."
Rather than answer to the irate father, Cree flies/hovers above Peak, muttering, “Wait ‘til I catch you in a dark corner you’ll get the damn good beating.”
Snerk. I love this movie's inappropriate cursing.
Cut to Tio, who says, “Owa owa.” Owa? Oh, whatever, it’s not the most ridiculous thing in this piece of crap. He’s still “rubbing” his head— in fact, he just has a hand on his head to indicate that’s where he hurts. He should be holding his gut. I hate this movie.
Cut back to Cree and Peak. Are they still arguing? Why split this scene in two? Why cut to Tio right in the middle of banter? Oh this makes no sense. Peak sing=songs, “My spikes are so fiiiiine you’ll prick yourself and end up cryin’!”
Ugh.
We cut back to Bluey, who must shout something in the German version, but in ours his mouth just flaps. Needless mouth-flapping done, he falls back on his fours. And fade out.
Now, strange and pointless though this scene may seem, I think I've figured out what they were trying to do. The scene shows us that Tio is not unlike Icarus—he wishes to fly, to break the boundaries of this world and soar into the next. This symbolizes his desire to have fun with Cree and not be constrained by his father and the myserious Oro. However, Tio's desire is also his downfall: He is too eager for the dizzying experience of flight, too ready to break free from the confines of the ground, and so jumps before he is capable of flight—and crashes back to the Earth, proving that desire without restraint, thought without planning, leads inevitably to a fall from grace. This shows that Tio, despite wanting to play with Cree, must go to Oro. Truly, this movie is a philosophical gem.
And a massive pile of shit.
So, you guys may have noticed, so far this isn’t really like The Land Before Time—it doesn’t have the same plot or and doesn't really have any of the characters. It just sort of wears its skin, like a serial killer in a horror movie. That makes the movie a little more bearable, because it’s not completely raping our childhoods. However, the reason the plot doesn’t follow the one for TLBT is, quite simply, because this movie has no plot. It’s just a handful of scenes showing dinosaurs walking weird and talking weirder. It's useful for inducing murderous rages, but fails on having a plot.
That doesn’t last. Believe me, it doesn’t last. How much longer can the movie hold out before the plot come crashing in?
Tune in next time to find out.
