If it seems like it took me an unreasonably long time to write this entry, well, that's probably because this issue is actually good. I don't even read She-Hulk and this is my favorite issue so far. Illuminati existed mostly to establish that Tony Stark is a control freak and a sleeping prophet "futurist". The Fantastic Four, in two issues, managed to achieve precisely nothing. The first Spider-Man issue gave us some random criminals as an excuse to show off some new toys that Spidey will never ever use again, half of the second was spent reminding us that politicians suck at their jobs, and the third was just kind of bland. And Civil War #1 was... well, it was as bad as everyone thinks. This issue, meanwhile, seems to have been written by someone with some actual talent.
Jennifer Walters is reading an article in the Daily Bugle about people burning effigies of the New Warriors. And here I just want to say, this is the kind of reaction we should have seen in Civil War #1. Every reaction we saw there seemed off in one way or another. The Avengers blaming the New Warriors was irrational for a group of people who should have understood the situation better than anyone. The civilians could pretty much be expected to be irrational, but that was taken too far for the reaction to be believable, with Stamford survivors transferring blame to the people who were in the process of rescuing them and some random New York guys beating a celebrity into a coma for pretty much no reason at all. The most realistic reaction was, and I can't believe I'm saying this, Miriam Sharpe's.
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AAAAAAAH DAMMIT QUIT DOING THAT |
I can really believe that she's grieving, I can almost get the feeling that the disaster is a real thing and we're watching a real person react to it. This is not to say I like her characterization; she took a major tragedy and turned it into a personal crusade and went from nobody anyone had ever heard of to the voice of the people ridiculously quickly for being just one among hundreds. Her legal and political views on the subject are wrong in more ways than one, but well within the realm of understandable reactions because she's not thinking straight, nor should she be expected to be. She was angry about the Stamford explosion and her son's death, she wanted justice, and she did what she thought would get that.
And that's what's happening in the newspaper. People burn effigies because they're angry, and they feel this is the closest they can get to justice, by symbolically giving the "bad guys" what they deserve, or saying "Yeah, they're dead, and good riddance." It's not real justice, and it's disquieting to both the reader and the characters because you know it's wrong but you also know that's the way it is. So Jen reads the paper and monologues a little about how things would work in a perfect world. She mentions to John Jameson, who she's currently living with, that these people are completely deranged.
And here again I'm going to pause to say something, because talking about other things is the only way I can hit my vitriol quota in this issue. John Jameson is a classic character, having pretty much consistently proven himself both a pretty cool guy and one of the few rational non-supers in New York ever since Spider-Man saved his life in Amazing Spider-Man #1. She-Hulk is a pretty interesting character as well, though I know considerably less about her and I'm going to refrain from acting like I do. I knew they got married at some point but I wasn't sure of the specific details of their relationship. I wanted to be able to talk about it here, to explain some of the history between them and such, so I did a little research, and now all there really is to say is:
Joe Quesada, fuck you and fuck your fuckfucking anti-marriage bullfuck, you fucking fuckhead.
She-Hulk and Jameson were in fact married. Then this happens... wait, I don't have a picture for that. Okay, see, eventually, it was revealed that She-Hulk only loved Jameson because of the influence of Eros aka Starfox. His civilian name was actually pretty much spot-on for his power, which is probably not a coincidence because he's actually an Eternal, which pretty much translates to "a god", and it makes me wonder why he took the codename Starfox but nevermind that. He has the psionic ability to stimulate the pleasure center of someone's brain, and he apparently used that to make She-Hulk fall in love with Jameson... which seems dubious to me both because that power shouldn't work that way and because he's kind of a jerk who actually used his power to seduce She-Hulk himself at one point... and when the power eventually wore off, she stopped loving Jameson and they divorced.
That is easily the most pointless thing Joe Quesada has ever done. And here I am right in the middle of Civil War. People get divorced, it happens all the time, it does not need to turn out that there was a psychic immortal alien involved in their relationship from the start. I'm sure they can find some differences, if they're both willing to try. It's not like they're, I dunno, Peter Parker and Mary Jane, whose marriage is... I mean it's not like they're Scott Summers and Jean Grey who... it's...
...
Jen is currently stuck in She-Non-Hulk form, and has apparently been using a device provided by Doc Samson to rectify that, but the device is now broken. She goes to see him about it on the way to her office. Then this happens.
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Doctor Strange tells her that he has dispelled a protective spell the Scarlet Witch placed on her that prevented her enemies from recognizing her while in Jen form, which I could swear I've heard somewhere else but I can't remember the context. She's annoyed by this, until she realizes she can transform now. Samson explains that the protection offered by the spell was causing a mental block which was preventing her from transforming.
Cut to... an aircraft of some kind... being piloted by Jameson. I'm not an expert with this sort of thing so wouldn't know if that thing matches up to any model of aircraft that has ever been used by anyone ever, but given that it apparently has a dry ice-powered vertical thruster taking up most of the bottom of the craft, I'm guessing no, this is some Marvel Universe experimental vehicle. Jameson is thinking about She-Hulk instead of thinking about piloting the plane, which results in him hitting the giant structure he's flying through twice, damaging the engines. The general on base asks to speak to him in private, but it turns out that he's not going to berate him for damaging expensive experimental equipment in an utterly avoidable accident on a test flight, he's more concerned with making ominous statements about the purpose of the vehicle and warning Jameson to cut ties with the superhero community.
Meanwhile, Jen's day, already somewhat tense because people can actually recognize her now, is not made a great deal easier by the arrival of a guy whose costume raises questions about everything but his identity telekinetically carrying a luchador.
Incidentally, am I the only one who thinks this guy looks like Namor?
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He's just out to make things hard for everyone, isn't he? |
...that woman's dialogue makes me wince. Please tell me we're not going to relapse into the Civil War #1 dialogue...
Okay, so Jen hurries the two, Justice and Rage, into her office, where they explain that a website called destroyallwarriors.com is revealing the identities of the New Warriors, one by one. This alone is enough to disgust her, but when Rage points out that the site is also taking bets on the order in which the New Warriors will be murdered, she quickly agrees to take the case.
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The actual panel. |
That night we have two brief scenes running simultaneously; a date between Jen and Jameson that indicates that Jameson has no plans whatsoever to listen to the general, and an ominous dark room in which someone, upon finding out that Jen is trying to shut down the hero hate site, decides to reveal that she's the She-Hulk, even though I'm under the impression that's not a very well-kept secret in the first place since she needed a spell to keep people off her back. There's not a lot to say about either of those things.
Skip ahead to the first day of the Destroy All Warriors trial. A crowd has gathered to, wouldn't you know it, destroy the New Warriors. People are hurling cans, um... tomatoes, or possibly meatballs... and, uh, butter? There's a big yellow splatter on Justice's telekinetic shield, I certainly hope that's butter. Jen is making her way through the crowd toward the courthouse when suddenly someone notices her. He calls out to everyone that he's got She-Hulk and grabs her coat. A second later, he's being lifted off the ground by a large green woman who demands to know what he plans to do now. He's left stammering like an idiot as She-Hulk tosses him aside.
Inside the courtroom, the defense attorney has apparently just made some sort of emotional appeal to which She-Hulk objects. He argues that his clients are Stamford survivors which is sufficient motivation that they should be clear of any liability. I can only believe that in a just universe, this would never work, but this is the Marvel Universe, the universe that will take any excuse to make the heroes' lives hell. Neon Genesis Evangelion is merciful to its heroes by comparison in that it's over relatively quickly. The fact is that regardless of how justified the site's backers may think they are, the site is actively inciting violent activity that could lead to many deaths, and not just capes at the hands of a mob, but ordinary people in the wrong place when a riot breaks out or members of the mob engaged in Bullying a Dragon.
Justice and Rage want She-Hulk to counter this madness by pointing out all the good the New Warriors have done, but she tells them that that would only serve to remind everyone about the 600 dead civilians. Rage takes offense to the tally being rounded to 600, and expresses his grievance in the calm, rational way everyone is expecting.
Haha, no, I'm kidding, we're talking about a guy who calls himself Rage. He flips the fuck out and punches a table in half. The judge instructs She-Hulk to get the two Warriors out of the courtroom and put them...
Cut to a library.
"...somewhere no one would ever think to look for them!"
Wait what? Was switching to a library for that line supposed to be a comment on the fact that, I dunno the fact that nobody goes to libraries anymore? Anyway Jameson is asking the librarian for a copy of "The Greatest Generation". There's some typical "charismatic young man talking to older woman" banter, and then the librarian leads him to... Captain America. Huh. Well I have to admit I wouldn't have thought of that.
Steve wants to know if She-Hulk will help the anti-registration heroes. I'm guessing he hasn't been watching the teevees much lately since she's already spoken in favor of registration. Also, here's something I failed to comment on last time: Why is Captain America already in hiding? Why don't we at least get a scene of someone like Tony Stark calling out Maria Hill for attempting to press Cap into service at gunpoint? The Act hasn't even passed yet, so Hill has no legal authority to recruit vigilantes, and she did make a very big deal about THE LAW. Jameson refuses to tell Steve anything that Jen has told him in confidence, which Steve understands perfectly. He gives Jameson a bit of advice that I'm sure will just be ignored, telling him that if he's in love with Jen he should do something now.
Cut to the courtroom, day 2. The defense has called Iron Man as a witness and is oh dammit Civil War. Why the hell is Iron Man being allowed to testify in costume, without his real name being put on the record? Is it really just to make everything worse for everyone? She-Hulk points out the hypocrisy in Iron Man's statements, starting with his claim that if the New Warriors were more like the Avengers Nitro wouldn't have exploded when the Avengers don't exactly have a flawless record for preventing collateral damage. Iron Man says that there's a matter of trust, to which She-Hulk responds by pointing out exactly how untrustworthy Tony Stark has been about the identity of Iron Man. She makes the rather surreal statement, "In fact, I recall he once used an illegal satellite to brainwash all of Earth into forgetting his secret!"
Wait, if he brainwashed all of Earth into forgetting then how do you know that...?
Iron Man looks and sounds like he's about to attack at this point so the judge orders a recess. Outside, Iron Man begins to lecture She-Hulk about superhero behavior, cutting her off when she tries to speak, and then hands her a memory stick containing data that identifies the person running the site. Then he flies off because I guess it's cool if the witness just kind of leaves in the middle of their testimony.
Cut back to the dark room with dark curtains. Carlton LaFroyge, aka Hindsight Lad, aka one of the fucking New Warriors, turns out to be the one who's been revealing everyone's identities. He's about to reveal the next one, when suddenly he's caught off guard by Justice telekinetically dismantling the entire second floor of his house. Yeah, that'd probably surprise most people. Carlton swears he wasn't trying to get them killed.
Really. Really? You're really going to tell everyone that you didn't want anyone to be hurt when you have been not only encouraging people to murder them, but providing incentives in the form of a betting pool? Justice points out, quite correctly, that that makes no goddamned sense. Unfortunately they've apparently attracted some attention and a mob starts to form, yelling at them and telling them to go away. This is maybe the second time that's happened and already it's getting old.
Then this happens:
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Jameson arrives and disperses the mob by threatening to depress the mob. Turns out he came not to lend some much-needed backup, but rather to propose to She-Hulk in a way that I'm convinced was the result of hours of brainstorming to come up with something over-the-top and fast at the same time. Too bad about Quesada, huh? The issue ends with... well actually that was the end. They apparently get married in the next issue of She-Hulk, but this is the only one on my reading list, which I can now say is genuinely depressing. A few more issues of She-Hulk and a few less issues of People Who Are Suddenly Assholes Because This Is Civil War would really make the whole thing a lot more enjoyable.
Comments
- Starfox got a codename because when he decided to join the Avengers, they pointed out that all of them used codenames.
"I mean, Captain America isn't my real name." "It's not?" The Wasp was the one who suggested "Starfox".- Knowing the She Hulk title, she probably remembers Iron Man's brainwashing because Marvel's Comics were being ridiculously accurate about what happenned.
Back on topic, you can see what I mean about the tie-ins being better than the main title.