He's baaaaaack! Sorry for the delay, I've just been having a very difficult time with this one. For one thing, I have to admit that I've never been very interested in Iron Man. For another, Iron Man Noir looks to be, well, by far the most fantastic and action-packed series yet. If you've been following along, you may note that the stuff I've covered so far has, at times, been absolutely fucking bananas. Well, this one takes it to the next level.
Anyway, on with the show - time for Iron Man Noir #1.
Our story begins in April, 1939, which if I'm not mistaken makes this the last Noir series chronologically. Our heroes are Tony Stark, billionaire and noted adventurer; his friend James Rhodes, an expert on the natural world; his longtime lady friend Dr. Gialetta Nefaria; and our narrator, pulp magazine writer Virgil Munsey, who regularly chronicles Stark's exploits in Marvels: A Magazine of Men's Adventure.
We join them on day 19 of their trek through the jungles of British Honduras, where they seek the jade mask of the Mayan underworld. The expedition hasn't been going well; food ran out last week and their guide was gored by a feral boar three days ago. Still, the group's spirits are elevated by Stark's steadfast courage, as "our intrepid leader wears his confidence like a suit of armor." Upon discovering a statue carved into a large rock face, Stark tells the gang to break out the champagne - they found it.
Munsey doesn't get it. It's just rocks. Stark tells him about how the Mayans believed the afterlife worked. He says the statues are the god of the dead Ah Puch - and his pet, Peq Kimi. According to legend, Peq Kimi ferried the dead to the underworld... provided a sacrifice of blood. Stark cuts himself on one of Peq Kimi's fangs and lets the wound drip into the statue's mouth. Its eyes light up ominously and the ground beneath the group gives way.
They land in a damp underground cavern - surrounded by skeletons and vermin. Stark lights a lantern, takes a look around, and welcomes his friends to the afterlife. What now? Well, it's said that underground waterways were the corridors between different planes of the afterlife. Meaning Stark is going to dive into the water and have a look around. He grabs a rope, tells the gang to hold onto the other end, steals a kiss from Gialetta, and goes under. Rhodey warns him to be careful.
As a sub-aquatic Stark looks at some wall carvings, he accidentally disturbs a massive snake! I'm no expert, but I don't think anacondas have fangs. Whatever. Stark lets go of the rope as he tries to grapple with the beast. For some reason this causes the rope to be pulled into the water. I'm going to say there was some artist confusion and leave it at that. Rhodey expresses concern for Stark when the snake's lifeless body rises to the surface. Rhodey grabs it and heads into the water; he's not going to wait for Stark to come back with the rope, because this is the new rope.
Thankfully, we skip ahead a bit. "One harrowing swim later", the party finds a smallish, glowing ziggurat. "The Temple of Rebirth", last stop before the afterlife itself. Everyone passing through got to try on the jade mask. From time to time, someone got to live again. Rhodey explains the glowing as luminescent fungi while Munsey scrambles for his notebook. Stark climbs up the steps, grabbing and putting on the jade mask. Gialetta joins him - and pulls a gun on him. He was always so trusting.
Rhodey has a gun, too, and holds it right to the back of her head. He tells her to drop the piece, and she goes into a rant about how close he and Stark are. It actually used to make her jealous. Of course, that was before she made some friends of her own. And here they are now! Munsey, still at the foot of the Temple of Rebirth, finds himself beset by German soldiers - operating under the command of Baron Heinrich Zemo and Commander Baron Strucker. Zemo wears a hood over his face; Strucker has a bald, scarred head, a massive Power Fist on his left hand, and a High-Class Glass.
Strucker shoots Munsey in the head with his Luger, cutting off his narration mid-sentence. I thought that was pretty clever, I don't know. Strucker says Stark's fairy tales are over, and Zemo demands Gialetta get the mask. Stark hands it over to her, saying she wears masks so well. Gialetta laughs at the implication that Stark doesn't do the exact same thing, describing him as ultimately little more than a scared little boy. Rhodey tells his boss he never liked that woman, and Stark really wishes he'd said something before. Still, no time like the present to get the Hell out of there. Stark drops his lantern to the ground, starting a fire atop the temple, as he and Rhodey jump and grab some vines hanging from the ceiling. Gialetta screams in agony from under the mask as she burns.
Strucker fires lightning from his gauntlet and his soldiers open fire on the pair, but Zemo doesn't support this course of action. They'll cause a cave-in and get them all killed! Stark plants and lights some dynamite from Rhodey's blast-kit on a ledge near the cavern's ceiling. The two of them take cover and escape to the shore as water rushes in from the hole caused by the... Okay, you know what, let's just forget it, I really don't know what happened there. Besides Stark and Rhodey getting picked up by some cute French tourists on a speedboat.
Back in New York, an odd, futuristic zeppelin whizzes past a skyscraper. Then we cut to a wall of framed Marvels: A Magazine of Men's Adventure covers. This is basically Mythology Gag central, so bear with me as I flip out. There's one where Stark faces off against the Ghost on the wings of a biplane, one where Tony Stark has to solve "the deadly riddle of Modok!" (with MODOK looking like an Olmec head with tiny arms and legs)... Tony Stark and Fin Fang Foom... The Ghost one rules, but my favorite is "Tony Stark and the Quest for the Bloodstone Gem!", where Stark is hefting a water cooled machine gun into the air.
This is Tony Stark's office, where he's called select members of the press to answer any questions they may have about his latest adventure. There's some other cute details here, like a suit of medieval armor and a suit of samurai armor. Stark, with a sling on his left arm, says it just won't be the same without Munsey. However, this doesn't mean the Tony Stark Adventures series is over - he just doesn't believe he's found a suitable replacement for Munsey yet. Informed he has an appointment, Stark has the reporters clear out so he can meet with...
Ms. Pepper Potts. Stark is furious with Rhodey; after the Gialetta debacle he specifically stated his assistant position not be filled by another dynamite babe. "Damn wolves in silk stockings." Pepper says she's not applying to be his assistant, she's the new writer for Marvels. Munsey's agency sent her. Stark is baffled. A woman? Marvels is subtitled "A Magazine of Men's Adventure"! Pepper knows; she writes under a pen name, Frank Finlay. Stark's even more surprised now, because he's familiar with the work of "Frank Finlay." She assures him the practice is quite common - Norman Brundage is her roommate Julie. She hands him her resume, and hopes he'll note that she's studying for her Master's in journalism. Stark rolls his eyes at the idea of a woman with a master's degree. He jokes that he should donate to Pepper's department, but according to her he already did. So... when does she start?
Rhodey and Stark head down to "Stark Lab." When the doors open, they're met with a giant suit of armor with massive guns on its wrists. "On the table. Now." Stark says good morning to his mechanic, Jarvis. Jarvis flips the suit's faceplate open and reiterates that Stark get on the table. "I've been waiting for over an hour. What do you think I am — your bloody butler?" Oh, is funny because 616 Edwin Jarvis is Tony Stark's butler! Jarvis climbs out of the mammoth suit, which is 8 and a half feet tall if it's an inch, and updates Stark on his progress. He predicts it'll be totally finished come New Year's. Stark sits back on the table and opens his shirt. Jarvis criticizes him for this business with the jade mask, and we see that Stark's got an... interesting heart condition. In that, once he removes a steel plate, his heart is exposed - and attached to a many wires, tubes, and a car battery. Don't worry, there's a ring around the exposed area that forms the classic Unibeam shape.
Jarvis thinks Stark had been hoping there was some truth to the myth of the jade mask - that its rejuvenatory powers were real, scientific. Jarvis hooks up jumper cables to that battery and starts charging Tony's "repulsor pump." He's trying to tell him that there's no cure for his condition and he's putting himself in far too much danger far too often. Stark defends his adventures - he likes adventures. And the rest of the country likes his adventures, too. Depression, war... the people want something to escape to. Jarvis counters that what the people want and what they need can be two very different things.
After all, he's seen war. He and Stark's father spent six months as POWs. People may want to escape, but maybe they need something else. Nobody understood that quite like Stark's dad. That night, at his palatial home, Stark looks at a photo of Jarvis and his father from the war - with a drink in his hand. Then he remembers Gialetta had her own drawer in his desk that he didn't have the key to. He picks the lock, curious as to what she had to hide.
He calls Rhodey, who was sleeping at the time. He's upset, because this was supposed to be his day off, but Stark tells him what he found in that drawer. He asks Stark if he thinks the research is sound, and Stark tells him he hopes he didn't unpack yet. Stark holds a notebook with "Atlantis 3-10-39" written on it, while a book titled "Atlantis: The Lost City" and a detailed map sit atop his desk. "We're about to go on the adventure of a lifetime."
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