Hallo everyone. Cakman back again. Gonna review some more Newspaper strips. When I last left you, the NP strips had not impressed me. They were typical run-of-the-mill Dan Shive drek. More of Shive hiding behind his translucent facade of an innocent but "wacky" webcomic in order for him to play out his fetishes. I don't particularly expect this to change, either. Here we go!
- AW SHIT! OFF TO A GOOD START! FOUR DAMN BACKGROUNDS IN A ROW!
- Grace's hands in this mini-arc annoy me, because while Shive may justify it by saying "CAUSE SHE'S A SQUIRREL," there is no reason for Grace to hold her hands in front of her like that other than for her to be SO KAWAII.
- Ah. Tedd's here to be a dick. What a surprise.
- And this still doesn't explain how the villager knew that. She was standing next to Grace the whole time!
- Of course! Of course! Why have the female engage him head-on in competition! Girls can't beat boys! That would be silly! Let's just have Grace do what any well-written female character would do: Grow moé eyes, and threaten to cry!
- And so much for those backgrounds. Fuck it. Let's just spill ink on the page halfway through.
- Also note the random change in hair length between the third and fourth panels. What the hell?
- UGG I CAN NOT GET OVER THE FACT THAT GRACE'S METHOD OF DEFEATING TEDD WAS BY THREATENING TO FUCKNG CRY.
- The "patch" joke would be clever, if he actually used the term correctly. As there was no transgender option beforehand, it wouldn't be considered a patch. It would be a "mod". A "patch" is when you fix existing bugs or make better the pre-existing content.
- You know, I'm going to come out with a confession- I have, quite frequently actually, enjoyed transgendered-themed pornography. For me, I enjoy the humiliation aspect of it- a guy being sissified or being turned into a woman so some other guy can take advantage of him. For me, it all relates back to the psychology aspect of it. But Dan Shive is different- he doesn't seem to enjoy anything besides the actual "act" of transforming people into females. And it's completely misogynistic- it's not transforming them because females are smarter and/or superior somehow. It's transforming them because 'TITS ARE HAWT'. That's one of the things that confuses me.
- And yet, looking at this comic, Shive seems to enjoy the embarrassment and humiliation that initially comes from being transformed. But yet he never focuses on that. Granted, even if he did, it would be awkward and poorly-written like everything else he touches (Dan Shive is the King Midas of literary offal.), but at least it would show that there is some sense of honesty to the man, and not the creepy "attempting to be normal" thing he normally does.
- And besides, I completely disagree with Shive on one aspect of sexuality- lesbians, while a decent distraction, are not particularly hot. I mean... there's nothing to DO besides sex toys and oral. And scissoring, I suppose.
- Oh, phew. I was worried that he'd finally realized that this joke had long since passed the starting point of the putrification process, and was now nothing more than a bloated, near-liquid corpse waiting for an unsuspecting mouse to nibble on it so it could shower the room with the fluids of a decomposed body, and Shive had realized that it was time to bury the thing, but it seems that no, he' a persistent one, and insists on bringing such cesspool sediments back at every given fucking opportunity.
- Jesus, that was long-winded. I apologize. I'm becoming Dennis Miller.
- I honestly don't think anyone ever really laughed at Bugs Bunny using a hammer from behind his back either. So there really never was any reason for it to travel to the webcomic. But whatever.
- His name is TC? I wasn't aware. Well, at least this comic contributed something to society.
- I like the joke here. See, the "Playah" guy thinks he's good with women, but he really isn't. Get it? If you didn't get it, though, Shive will be more than happy to tell you this◊ at every given opportunity. My favorite part about his strips are how every joke is exactly the same: That the guy gets hit in the head with a hammer. You remember that puppet show from Dexter's Laboratory? The one where there were just two puppets that talked to each other, one had a club, and the other would just come up with puns involving the word "bonk," at which point he'd bonk the other puppet on the head with his club? This is the webcomic equivalent of that strip. The problem however, is that the Dexter's Laboratory thing was supposed to be stupid. The fact that the joke was unfunny and extremely repetitive was part of the joke. But here, it is treated as though the joke is just full of hilarity every time it's delivered, despite being exactly the same as the last time it was made.
- Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
- Two logical problems with this strip:
- First of all, technically, if Grace had a really long dream like that, she'd still be sleepy, as REM sleep, when most of your dreaming gets done, is right before you wake up, and is NOT when your body is resting. Your body rests during the other stages.
- Second of all, it's really not possible to watch BOTH Jurassic Park and Episode One before bed, unless he watched them at the same time on two separate televisions. Otherwise, it would only be one or the other before he went to bed, you know?
- And once again, Shive shows his creepy love for a character of his own creation with the whole *rub rub* thing. That's... Weird.
"Justin, on the other hand, is exactly the same as he was."
"What are you talking about? I'm wearing a wet t-shirt! What more do you want?!"
- The craziest thing about this strip is that Shive honestly believes that this is douche-chillingly bad. In all honesty, these changes... Really wouldn't matter. For God's sake, Tedd spends a greater part of the God damn comic as a girl. But I'll go down the list.
- Tedd becomes Tess. Oh no. Actually, it makes sense that Shive would be concerned about doing that happening. If Tedd was permanently turned into a girl, that would mean that, by rules of the Dan Shive universe, he would need to be useless. I'm not too sure what the big deal is about her being nearsighted and wearing glasses is, though. Oh dear?
- Susan becomes Tiffany. Or, in other words, exactly what Susan said she wanted to be. I can understand this change being the most annoying to the fans, I suppose. It's not so much a surprise, though, considering the canon storyline already had a scene with her acting like that.
- Sarah's annoys me the most. If anything, this is how Ellen should act. Oh my God. How dare she brood after having her entire life ripped away from her against her will? That'd be ridiculous. We want the happy Ellen! The one that magically got over having her life changed irreversibly by who she thought was her best friend.
- And speaking of which- that reminds me: Why doesn't Ellen hang out with Tedd in the first place? She used to be best friends with him back when she was a man. But we'll save that for another time.
- Reading this a second time, I realized that I had read it wrong the first time. I swear to God that the first time I read the final panel, I read it as this:
- Freudien slip of the eyes, I suppose. I saw what I wanted, maybe? I don't know. I didn't realize I was so attracted to Justin.
- By the way, Shive- You don't need to change the characters just to annoy me. You're doing a fine enough job on your own.
- Panel one: Dialogue.
- Panel two: SET-UP!
- Panel three: PUNCHLINE!
- Panel four: We just made the punchline, but we need to fill another panel. What the fuck do we do?! Uh... Uh... Uh... BABBLE FOR A PANEL GUYS!
- And in all honesty, you really didn't even need the friggin setup in the first place. You could have made a joke using subtle humor!
- I find it hilarious though that Tess, a character that Shive is intentionally making as a weak character, has the exact same personality as Grace. Seriously. Picture this comic exactly as it is, but with Grace's head on Tess's body. It would fit perfectly.
- Oh. Okay. So Susan is also Grace.
- I haven't heard a pirate use the word "Scurvy" as an adjective before, though. What the fuck is Shive talking about?
- The second panel has both sidemouth and palm frond hands.
- ...What the fuck is going on here? This really annoys me, because Shive is literally trying to be bad now, but in the process of being a bad writer, he's writing his characters exactly how he would normally write them. In this strip, replace Tess with Grace again, and there is no difference (besides the attraction to Elliot.)
- I am growing increasingly annoyed by this entire mini-arc. In theory, Shive is normally attempting to slap a piece of roadkill on a plate so he can present it to me for dinner, and, in this particular NP arc, he is shitting on the roadkill as well, just so he can say "See? Aren't you glad I don't normally shit on the roadkill?" But in practice, he's not doing that. In practice, he's just slapping the roadkill on the plate, and turning the angle of the plate slightly, then saying "See?! Aren't you glad that I normally just put roadkill in front of you?" To which I say "No, Mr. Shive. This is the same as it always is."
- That line was long-winded as well. It was like a cross between Dennis Miller and the Angry Video Game Nerd. Then again, it also lacked cleverness, so I suppose it was more of a cross between Dennis Miller, The Angry Video Game Nerd, and Doug Walker.
And there's your chart.◊
- You know... If it was just Dan Shive blowing his own horn... And he was making up the following... I could live with it... But... I have no doubt in my mind that there really was a big following for these characters. And that disgusts me. They probably spoke each a total of three lines. And yet people probably became "fans" of them. I hate them. And I hate everyone who enjoys this comic.
Notice that while the Actual Background area grew, it the Nothing area is grew so much that it is now equal to the background. And those God damn circles take up half the friggin thin. And no love for action lines.