Nick: Really, if you're not watching this movie going "I've played with this group..." Me: ...then you've probably played with better groups than we have. Nick: And we envy you.
Gort is drinking. Why? Because he's a giant/barbarian. He is wearing the barest nods towards armor: leather bracers and a steel breastplate. He fixes a man's wagon for the price of the beer he just drank and two pennies.
The man refuses to pay, and looks suspiciously like an uncredited Colm Meany, so Gort breaks the wagon. There's a dozen people sitting around watching, so this means a fight. Why? Because we have to show off Gort's skills.
It's six on one, and Gort has a hammer. Surprisingly, the fight choreography is good, and Gort wins in under two seconds. Then Hawk appears.
Witch: Next, the elf. Nick: Why do I have to do them in this order?
Crow is dealing with a smith, who's crafting arrowheads for him. I would say "a fletcher," but the man only seems to make arrowheads, not the whole arrows.
Two con men decide they're going to con the elf out of his money in an archery contest.
Nick: Not the elf. I can deal with the giant. But not the elf.
Crow doesn't talk much. He pulls back his hood and OH MY GOD THOSE ARE THE UGLIEST EAR PROSTHETICS I'VE EVER SEEN. Crow refuses to respond to insults, and has a very nasal voice to go along with his Spock Speak.
Hawk appears just as one of the conmen is about to do something involving a dagger.
GOD, Crow's horrible robospeak.
The evil con-archer jumpcut fires an arrow at Crow, and the two of them have a showdown.
Back to the cave, and it's time to recruit Balls (IMDB says his name is Baldin, but fuck that).
Balls is tied to a raft and kindling, and a bunch of monks are firing flame arrows at him as part of a sacrifice to the Sacred Oneness of the Holy Waters of the Lake.
Balls is our comic relief. We are in TROUBLE. He wields a whip and eats fish alive.
Nick: He doesn't even speak like a proper duughhh
Hawk briefs his gaming group on the module they're doing this session. Gort cracks a joke about how he's putting on weight. Balls wangsts about being the last of his kind.
Nick: How the fuck did they manage that? Why is there only one giant, one elf, and one dwarf left? Me: Because the rest wouldn't be in this movie.
The witch tells them how they can get the ransom money: ride through yet another forest (it's the same one under another name, obviously) to find the Hunchback (the previously-mentioned slaver) and steal it from him.
Remember, Evil Is Ugly.
Next: One encounter nets 2000g. I'd call Monty Haul if it didn't exist solely to be used in the next part after that.
