Introduction: What is Hawk the Slayer?
So. Hawk the Slayer
. What can be said about this... movie? Well, you could go to the works page for it, and note how egregiously
the grammar degenerates, as though the very act of describing the plot of this movie has one irreparable harm to the language centers (if not the entirety) of the editors' brains.
You could watch the movie yourself
if you can find it on the internet. (I'm sure you can. First of all, I'm not going to go looking for it. Secondly, as you'll see shortly, it's not necessary.)
You could take the word of someone who's watched it themselves. Or you could sit there, Pass the Popcorn
around, and enjoy my deranged gibbering as I subject myself to it for a second time for your amusement.
Hawk the Slayer
Let's start with the DVD case
. The link there is to a site where you can buy the exact edition I have sitting in front of me for $21.45 US. That's like paying somebody to punch you in the nuts, only you have to wait 6-8 weeks for delivery.
Hawk The Slayer
Two brothers locked in deadly combat till the end of time!
A few things to note here.
The title is pretty epic. (The movie? Well... it tries?)
The tagline lies.
Thankfully, they do not fight "till the end of time" but for (checks back of DVD) 90 MINUTES?!
Oh god i cant do this again no please ill do anything
Jack Palance is the biggest name on this movie. His head is obscured by his helmet and John Terry's torso on the poster. That disembodied eye in the upper left of the boxart? Jack Motherfucking Palance is in this movie.
Let's go ahead and look at the back, shall we? (Anything to delay the actual movie.)
I see somebody
found the texturing tool in Photoshop! Anyway, ready for some truly epic storytelling by way of cover copy? Of course not, but I'm gonna transcribe this shit anyway. Brace yourselves.
Once upon a time, long ago, but perhaps not far away, there were two brothers. Hawk (John Terry) the younger brother was destined for greatness, possessing gifts of strength, honor, duty and courage BW. Voltan (Jack Palance), BW the elder, was a villain capable of great cruelty BW. Hideously deformed BW, Voltan roamed the land under a black mask so none would BW look on his ghastly face BW. When their father is killed by the hand of his firstborn BW, Voltan BW, Hawk swears vengeance. But Hawk soon has more than just his father's death to avenge.
Okay, I need a break for a moment. The second (and final) paragraph isn't as long as the first, but it's just as predictable
. Girding loins... And...
The perverse BW Voltan and his son BW Drago have kidnapped the Abbess of Caddonbury BW and are holding her for ransom. It will take BW sword and sorcery BW to bring the evil Voltan to justice. Only the cunning Hawk BW, aided by BW the Giant, the Elf and the Dwarf BW can defeatthe mystical forces of Voltan BW, the "Dark One."
Yay! It's over! I'm done now, and I didn't even bleed out my ears or anything!
I... there's a movie? I thought it was just that horrible short story.
Fine, I'll put the movie in.
Next: The opening credits get their very own update!