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Live Blogs Modelland: A Blind Sporking
LadyMomus2011-09-30 03:35:28

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Welcome to the Sporking

Ah, fantasy. It contains everything from the expansive world-building of Tolkien, to the pun-filled fluff of Xanth, to the formulaic but awesome Belgariad, to the gritty world of the Dresden Files. I've been reading books of fantasy and mythology as long as I can remember, and I still love finding a new fantasy world to explore.

But for every fantasy epic, there are a hundred mediocre tomes. For every thrilling adventure, there is a snooze fest. For every gem, a piece of compost cleverly masquerading as a book.

Which will it be? You never know until you read them.

Or - in the case of Modelland by Tyra Banks - until you look at the title and cover.

An Introduction to the Author

I will now share everything I know about Tyra Banks.

Tyra Banks is a model. She's been on at least one TV show about modeling. She was in the Hannah Montana Movie. She recently wrote and published a book titled Modelland.

. . .

Oh, and her name is derived from the Old Norse word for "Thor."

Demographics and Me

I saw Modelland described as both teen and young adult fiction, so the target demographic is presumably 13-25 year old girls. In theory, I should be in the target demographic. In reality, I'm so far out of the target demographic, I need the Hubble to catch a glimpse of them.

What I know about fashion could fit on an index card. I wear Christmas socks year round, have no qualms about wearing purple sweatpants with an orange t-shirt, and would rather go to the dentist than go shopping for clothes.

I didn't want to be a princess or a model when I was a kid. I wanted to be a Power Ranger or a Saiyan or a member of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

I spent years rejecting all things girly while embracing media aimed at boys and men. Since then, I've learned that my knee jerk reaction to media aimed at girls and women was incredibly unfair. Recently, I've learned to enjoy media aimed at girls. I've learned that just because something is feminine, cutesy or girly doesn't mean it's bad. In light of that, I am willing to give Modelland a chance.

A snowball's chance, but a chance nonetheless.

Liveblog Rules

This is a blind liveblog. I will be liveblogging each chapter as I read it, while doing my best to avoid spoilers. I am not allowed to start a chapter until I finished the one before it. I may continue on to the next chapter before posting, but I'll at least have a draft of that chapter's post done before continuing on.

Next time, we'll start at the very beginning.

Before the Beginning

I steal furtive glances around the room. The lunch room is empty. Too early for any witnesses. Even so, I hold one arm in place to shield my Kindle from anyone who might enter and see what I am about to do.

I type the word slowly. Modelland.

My breakfast threatens to crawl up my throat. My finger strays to the "back" button. It would be so easy to turn back now. To pretend I never considered it.

But try as I must, I cannot turn away. It beckons me like a flame beckons a moth. I try to banish my desires to eviscerate it. To ignore the desire to quench the lust of my spork. But I am no longer in control. IT has me, and there is no escape.

With a trembling hand, I hit the enter key.

BUY

I pray that my family never learns of my shame.

Comments

FreezairForALimitedTime Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 20th 2012 at 1:29:13 PM
She shut herself in the fridge? Shouldn't she have suffocated by now?
99.111.128.246 Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 20th 2012 at 4:11:18 PM
Wow. Tookie is terrible. Why is Myrracle not the protagonist of this story? She's a hundred times more likable and relatable (not a polyglot; makes mistakes; not a horrible person; actually has a conflict since she needs to choose between modeling and dance and her parents are obviously expecting her to solve their problems, which is very stressful for a teenager). Even Zarpessa would be a better heroine, especially since she's shown to be a sympathetic character (because she made that gold-dust poster for Theophilus, despite being destitute).
99.111.128.246 Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 20th 2012 at 4:15:01 PM
Also, I forgot to add the fact that she actually seems to have the drive to cross the Diabolic Divide instead of just lazily wishing she could be invited to Modelland (like her sister).
142.151.161.58 Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 20th 2012 at 4:49:59 PM
Whaaaaaat a bitch.

You know it's bad when the antagonist is one of the only likeable characters in a story. :/
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 20th 2012 at 6:53:19 PM
I know what you mean. A villain can be a likeable character. But when your protagonists are horribly made characters, it is a bad thing.

Hey Lady Momus, this is fast. you must have alot of free time now.
DrDahm Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 20th 2012 at 11:27:36 PM
Tookie and the Unicas were always kind of dull but in this chapter they come across as outright evil. Mocking the destitute and mentally ill is a pretty good way to leap over the moral event horizon. Tyra tries to have her cake and eat it by making them suddenly care about her near the end but that just makes them come across as hypocrites. They act WORSE than the cannibal lizard man, at least his evil is just implied.
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 21st 2012 at 2:01:04 PM
True that! -sigh- Tyra has now failed as a writer.

I just realised something:

Modelland+sequelitis= nightmareish eldrich abomination beyond all sane logic!
Jergling Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 26th 2012 at 10:24:12 AM
I'm so conflicted here! Tyra can't decide who to refer to as the "good guy". First it's Ci~l, then Bella Donna (and then immediately not) and now it's Ci~L again. Why is the only woman who gives empowering, non-sexist advice the villain? Why does Ci~l tell Tookie to have empathy for Zarpessa, and then verbally assault the girl at every opportunity? Will Goku ever find true love? Find out in the increasingly draining final chapters of Modelland: A Blind Sporking!
MisterTambourineMan Since: Dec, 1969
Apr 20th 2020 at 6:45:15 PM
Tookie\'s pretty bad, but I feel like everybody\'s overstating how sympathetic Zarpessa is. Yeah, her life has sucked, but she\'s already tried to murder Tookie for no particular reason.
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