From Shittastic to Lulz-Worthy and Back Again: Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods Part II!
Part 5: What the Fuck is Wrong With You?
(realizes just how much trouble she's in)
: ...Rika. I noticed that the shifts ended. We're stuck here until further notice.
...I received a message, albeit one of those...supernatural-esque ones. Rika, your rage against the other people, those who supported you...
: Don't you realize what you need to fix? You need to stop being so super-negative, for God's sakes! You can't take your rage against the people who have been reading your stuff! It's no one's fault—
—but mine. (rolls eyes)
What you need to realize is that you're breaking your own lesson. Because of that, we're now trapped.
(enter Matoi, Mako, and Carter, who happen to overhear it)
: So let me get this straight. The entire reason as to why we're stuck is because of this woman's rage?
(he tries to suppress his anger, but fails and screams)
: We would have been freed if not for your rants! Do you realize...?!
(Carter is shaking with fury, and Mako stands up)
: Guys, stop this! We need to find a way out! Yelling at and blaming each other won't help us!!
: Mako is right, guys.
(looks wistfully) No matter how much this event's trying to break us all, we need to stay together. Every single trouble has a way out. We just need to buckle down and stay focused.
(Carter, Matoi, and I listen and nod)
...you guys are right. Guys, I'm so sorry...I mean...I shouldn't get mad at anyone. And I'll have to prove it. We need to target the anger at something else, or I should. I shouldn't get mad at those who wanted for me to liveblog this.
...though I do admit one thing, the whole troll debate with him is getting freaking old. I mean, I honestly don't give a shit about that anymore, the one thing I need to focus on is the story and—so far—how it fails so hard.
: Rika...I'm sorry for snapping.
: As am I.
...it's fine, really. But...now that we've apologized, let's move forward.
...aaaaaand fuck, I forgot about what happened the last time we left off.
: ...nothing of importance happened at all? Aside from the whole "having the rough and final drafts showing up" thing?
There we go, thanks. And now, we will move on with...!
Chapter 9: Jason Travels to the Other Kansas--One That May or May Not Involve Wicked Witches
As with the last chapter, we get a rough and final draft. I'll focus on the more coherent final draft, even though it's the same shit.
Thomas: Thank you, Anonymous for your help with the proofreading. You did good work for me. Ebony will be back soon, so I don't need your help after this chapter.
Jesus: Yes, his help was very good.
Thomas: It's a shame I wont need him after this chapter. Now I must go on to the next chapter.
...okay. Well...I would make a joke featuring the Imageboard That Shall Not be Mentioned, but...it would be probably obvious. Number one.
Number two? Ebony will finally return. Hopefully the story will look into the up!
Thalia and Ebony follow Jason into another piece of Product Placement
: the Chrysler Voyager. God, this story sometimes feels like a commercial.
"The Chrysler Voyager. Helps kill the nonbelieving Satanists and Atheists in twenty ways."
Anyway, because the two can't drive (...um...unfortunate implications featuring the idea of women can't drive much?), Jason is taking the wheel. And whoever else was following the trio.
But then, enter a werewolf! Jason tells the demonic monster to begone, but...he doesn't listen. He tries to attack the group (another surprise—normally, he would have been dead by now!), but then Jason realizes something. Namely, there's a full moon. So he walks up to the werewolf and prays.
...then the werewolf, thanks to the prayer, is shapeshifted back into Jacob Black. Yes. The fic is seriously targeting Twilight
characters. As long as he doesn't have Chad Lee with him, it'll be fine.
I will give Thomas this, though. It's explained via God that Jacob can transform willingly. Which, if memory serves me right, is exactly how the werewolves transform in the Twilight
(looks at the rough draft) ...yeah, I'm so glad that I chose the more coherent of the stories. Because not only are there fucking three drafts
, but the other two drafts has Edward Cullen
as the werewolf.
...and now that I think about it more, I don't know how much of it is actually Thomas', and how much of it is the beta reader's. I...don't know.
Anyway, Jacob (or Edward—good God, it feels like Pokemon Black and White
, only shittier!) joins Jason's group, and they travel along...but then! A cellphone rang, and Ebony picks it up! And who is calling her?
I am dead serious.
Yep, that's right. Especially in the other drafts, our good friend has returned. And that's not the only one that returns.
What am I speaking of? Well, as soon as the group figures out that he's already at the destination (or, in other drafts, Atlantic City), Ebony reveals that she and Draco were married!
...wow. I...did not even expect for them to actually notice that Ebony was...married to Draco. I mean, that was let go in Threat of Satanic Communism
Actually, you know what? I'd like to hear the explanation as to why Ebony married two men. And why she left Draco.
As the group allows for them to be left alone, Draco indeed questions as to why she left. She reveals that she had a mission that Jerry wanted for her to execute, and Michael? He helped her.
She asks for forgiveness. Normally? This would have been the time for Draco to kill the filthy whore. Instead, he forgives her. I will praise one thing: Draco, at least, did not
Thank you, God. It's starting to be a lot less shitty again. Gradually.
Draco and Ebony kiss, and they go to bed. They eventually decide to get married again...because they really didn't. Why? Hogwarts isn't sacred ground. They need some holy land in order to get hitched for real.
Granted, I may be bothered as to the whole bigamy thing. But...I can't get too worked up. Because I can understand the whole "married in one place, but not in another" thing, as there are times that does happen.
I might be blabbering too much.
Thomas: Ebony will be ack son! Nect capture wil be writen by here. Se willin to writ for me gain.
Jesus: Can wait not! Reed it son! A med.
And the proofreader apologizes for the delay.
...well, things are getting better, so let's look at...
Chapter 10: Piper and Jerry goes to Washington DC to Find out Who the Tractor is and Defeat them Once and for All so they would not terrorized by them ever again for as long as God allows Time to go on For--Good God, Long Title Much?!
...if the title's exactly what it says on the tin...could that mean...?!
Oh, hell yeah! The traitor plot will pick up!
Thomas Brown: Ebony Brown is back to proofread my story so do not afraid if the last few chapters were not as good as the other ones. This will get better as it brings in more about Jesus and God.
Jesus: Yes, it is important to talk about me and my father.
Thomas Brown: Yes, and no matter what everyone says I am going keep writing this story until the day I die. I am doing the work of the lord converting all those nonbelievers to Christianity and I am succeeding.
Jesus: You doing very well. God bless you!
Thomas Brown: I also like to mention that my cousin Ebony will be writing the next three chapters which will make up a trilogy within this story dealing with the battle at Boston (we have decided to change city that the battle is fought in). And so we must go onto the story. Enjoy my fellow Christian Men although women are free to read this it is written for men so they the women are most likely not to get what I am saying due to their simple minds.
...okay, there are so many things to pick apart, but I'll focus on the major shit. First off, Thomas promises that things will get better. Or, at least, the chapters will be. Secondly? He honestly believes that he's converting all the believers to Christianity and succeeding. Actually, buddy? This is a slight compliment, but the only thing you're succeeding at is sucking less!
Thirdly, Ebony will be writing the next three chapters, and seeing her solo offering, I'm pretty psyched to see what'll happen. And the battle will take place in Boston. Okay...
...and the last thing? We women have simple minds. That's right, Thomas is calling us idiots. Fuck you, too, buddy. Oh, and you're also insulting your own cousin by saying that she has a simple mind, you do realize that, right?
Anyway, after...that...Piper waits in the headquarters. Why? Chiron has a plan. And she has yet to do anything inspirational. At least it's a slightly better excuse than "she's weak as shit".
Chiron returns, greeting her—and apparentally, he's like her father since her real one disowned her for converting to Christianity. Um...anyway! Piper asks her teacher about what she can do. The answer? Pick up where Jason and his group left off and discover who the traitor is. After all, Jason would have done it himself, but...oh, God.
Chiron: "Although Jason was meant to do this, he has other more important things to do such as defending Boston from an army of Satanists who plan to invade Boston and force them to drink tea!"
...please say that it isn't another time-travelling bullshit plot. And what's wrong with tea, anyway?
Piper accepts the mission...but there's a problem. She needs a man. Because she's a woman.
...excuse me. I have to coat the wall red for a few minutes. (slams head on the wall for a long time
Okay, I'm better now. Chiron chooses Jerry and "recaps" the adventures. I put "recaps" like this because he never
defeated Hogwarts. Michael did.
Damn, poor Michael.
Anyway, the group goes to Washington, D.C. (now known as "Washing Dick"—yes, you can laugh hysterically now) in the third Product Placement
, the Renault Espace. And who is going with Jerry and Piper? Leo...Grover...and Annabeth?!
WHAT THE FUCK?!
All three died! How the hell did they get revived?!
...you know what? At this rate, even though we're arguably at the halfway point, I'll just say..."sure, why not?"
Sure, why not? The group arrives in Washing Dick, killing Satanists/atheists along the way (by making it into a car crash!). Sure, why not? After parking the van (and skipping bullshit that I don't care about), the group enters a church and sees an old man. Said man has a beard and red eyes, but guess what? He isn't evil, he's just born that way.
The man asks the group if they want to know who the traitor is. They do, of course, but it's time to stop the plot! Why? The man wants them to deliver a package, showing once and for all how false evolution is, banning it!
...you have got to be kidding me. More tracts? Just why?
Jerry decides to do it...and says that he would have done it even if he didn't know who the traitor is. Oh, and they're going to fucking Chicago.
FUCKING DAMN IT!
This...the chapter title is not
exactly what it says on the tin! I was led to believe that they'd find the traitor once and for all, but...GAH!
(I'm shaking in anger now, and the Rangers and Warriors comfort me—especially Catherine and Mako)
Anyway, the chapter ends with the group talking to someone in the church, and then they leave Washing Dick. Good God.
Jesus: That was very interesting capture.
Peter: I truly heartedly believe that you are correct. I do not understand why so many people hate this story. Where had all the good Christian men gone? Please come and spread knowledge of this great story and of Jesus Christ of Narrative!
Thomas: What is in the package will be revealed in capture fourteen for the next two chapture will be written by the cousin Ebony. I hope you enjoy her trilogy.
Here is why people hate the story. Even Christians are disgusted by it. They don't want
to spread the knowledge of the story. You're pulling the same shit, Thomas. Tricking us.
That's why I'm happy to see Ebony doing more solo offerings. Because honestly, we need
a good plot. And I think that she can do it.
What will the fight be about? Why do I not give a shit about the package? And why do I feel that it'll be something bad?
Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods Part II!