Line #42 WMG/TheColbertReport


1	[[WMG: [[WMG/GrandUnifyingGuesses Stephen is a Time Lord]].]]
2	You knew it was coming, but there's serious evidence for this one. The studio moves around unpredictably (that episode where he was broadcasting from ''inside an airport departure lounge'', anyone?) and apparently spends most of its time on top of the Art/StatueOfLiberty (look closely at the cityscape by the interview table) without anyone ever noticing it. Obviously the chameleon circuit actually works on this one. There's also the way that he can fit ridiculous amounts of stuff under his desk or into small spaces (John Oliver in a suitcase, two Starbucks(es?) in the shelves under the desk) and the way that certain parts of his backstory don't quite fit together. Either he's forgetting parts of it, making it up, or he's been around for a lot longer than he's letting on. Interestingly, this would account for the 'psychic' WMG nicely as well. He doesn't need to predict the future, he's already seen it. Then there's the alien financial advisor, the way he never doubts stories about alien life or bizarre technological advancements... And doesn't "The Pundit" sound like a great Time Lord name?
3	* Clearly, the bears are ''not'' what they seem.
4	* He was shot in the heart by Conan O'Brien, ''then sat up''. The only explanation is a second heart!
5	* Alternately to his TARDIS being on the top of the Statue of Liberty, his TARDIS ''is'' the top of the statue of Liberty (the arm with the torch, at least). A few years back, he crashed into the statue, breaking off its arm, and the only thing that wouldn't be noticed with the arm missing ''would be a replacement arm.'' This is why people are no longer allowed in the torch.
6	* The predictions fit too... This is heavy Doc.
7	* [[WMG/SantaClaus He's also Santa.]]
8	* This one just got more worrying. Watch [[http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/267056/march-09-2010/annie-leonard this clip]] and listen carefully to him tapping on the desk at the start. [[spoiler:Here come the drums!]]
9	* Time Lords have more nerve endings in their stomach than in their brains, and Stephen doesn't know that it's not true for humans too.
10	* Another thing I've noticed about Time Lords is that they tend to [[InsufferableGenius think very highly of themselves]], they [[NoIndoorVoice scream a lot]], and they [[FruitOfTheLoon like bananas]]... hmm...
11	* So this means the entire audience and the production staff are his companions! Wow...
12	* This is getting hard to ignore. An hour ago as of this posting, Stephen posted the following on his Twitter [[Website/{{Twitter}} (StephenAtHome)]]:
13	** [[AC: '''Sometimes I wish I had two hearts, ''' ]] [[AC: so I could wear one on my sleeve to show people my feelings without dying.]]
14	* In [[http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/393044/july-25-2011/brian-cox this interview]] he casually suggested that he might be from 500 years in the future.
15	* When Colbert is re-recieving the [=SuperPac=] powers from Creator/JonStewart, it [[http://mswyrr.tumblr.com/post/16810815243/coincidence-i-think-not-cheap-special-effects looks an awful lot like he's regenerating]]. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!
16	* ...[[http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/411210/march-27-2012/tip-wag---anti-prejudice-drug---dick-cheney-s-heart I think it's been confirmed]].
17
18	[[WMG: Stephen is psychic.]] The [=DaColbert=] Code (five completely accurate Oscar picks using nothing more than random 'Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon' reasoning) is just the latest example. On [[http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=111816&title=2000-Election-Coverage Election Night 2000]], he predicted "unwinnable war" and a "downward spiral" for whoever was elected. And we all know how that turned out. This has worrying implications for his statements about the Rapture and the ZombieApocalypse.
19	* Although it seems he isn't entirely aware of his precognitive powers, because in a recent installment of The [=DaColbert=] Code he kept somehow predicting Barack Obama would become President even when deliberately using clues that would lead to [=McCain=].
20	** The most recent The [=DaColbert=] Code for the 2009 Oscars was also completely accurate, giving more credence to Stephen's psychic powers.
21	** He was predicting people throwing shoes at President Bush [[http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/181508/january-31-2006/all-you-need-to-know---samuel-alito as early as January 2006]].
22
23	[[WMG: Stephen is a RealityWarper, possibly a reincarnation of Haruhi.]]
24	Alternative explanation for the above. He didn't predict those events, he ''caused'' them.
25
26	[[WMG: The 'real' Stephen is fake, and the 'fake' Stephen is real]]
27	The Stephen Colbert of Series/TheColbertReport may seem to be a satire to point out the ridiculousness of the Republican Party in America, who is played by the real Stephen Colbert, a Democrat. However, the Stephen on the show is the real one, and the 'real' one is what the actual Stephen ''thinks'' is satire. This is why he has shown up at Meet the Press and the infamous [[CrowningMoment/RealLife White House Correspondents dinner]] in character.
28	* Also, an attempt to run for President without any political experience is exactly what a satirical character would do - but Colbert was running as a Democrat.
29	* Apparently there's been a study that shows Colbert has conservative fans who believe exactly that: he "only pretends to be joking".
30
31	[[WMG: The 'real' Stephen Colbert is trying to take over the world.]]
32	All of his actions are a careful plan to amass millions and millions of loyal followers. His run for president was merely a "dry-run" to see how close he was.
33	* According to one interview, Colbert 'used to joke about how he "wanted to major in mass psychology and start a cult."' He wasn't kidding.
34
35	[[WMG: Stephen is a troper.]]
36	"Personally, folks, I think [[{{Anvilicious}} we have enough messages on TV]]. Like '[[BumblingDad husbands are fat and dumb]]', '[[{{Housewife}} wives don't want us to have any fun]]', and '[[SassyBlackWoman black woman are sassy]] [[MagicalNegro and wise]]'."
37	* When his kids ask how something works, and he doesn't know, he tells them that "AWizardDidIt." In those words.
38	* [[JustBugsMe/{{Bears}} I rest my case.]]
39	* [[JustForFun/WeirdestInboundLinkOfTheDay Confirmed!]]
40	* "Don't worry, in movies you can always OutruntheFireball."
41	* "''2012''. The Mayans warned us. Assuming, they warned us one day that computer graphics would strip movies of any plot or characterization and turn them into [[Administrivia/TropesAreTools mindless]] orgies of [[ItsNotPornItsAnIndex Destruction Porn]]."
42	* One of his favorite ways of messing with us may be reading these theories about him and [[AscendedFanon "confirming" them on his show]]. If this is the case, then we're in for a hell of a good time.
43
44	[[WMG: Stephen is being mind-controlled by Marik from WebVideo/YuGiOhTheAbridgedSeries.]]
45	He is being made to brainwash America through his television show. His fans have shown a creepy tendency to do whatever he says; if Marik makes Stephen to tell his fans to do something, they'll do it. Thus, Marik can enslave all of America. And his name is Steve.
46	* No silly, Stephen IS Marik from WebVideo/YuGiOhTheAbridgedSeries.
47
48	[[WMG: Stephen is [[Literature/TheBible the Second Coming.]]]]
49	He's religiously conservative, has no doubt in the supernatural (wizards, demons, et cetera), preforms miracles (having infinite space under his desk, bringing styrophome cups to life), and has created a cult following for himself. He also seems quite confident that Jesus is White? How does he know? Because he is White, and he is Jesus! When he once saw his own face in a cup of coffee, it was the same phenomenon as when people see Jesus's face in pieces of toast.
50	* He has stated repeatedly that he doesn't see color, and thus only assumes that he is white based on what people tell him.
51
52	[[WMG:Stephen is the Anti-Christ.]]
53	And doing a very effective job of distracting people from the ''real'' Second Coming, [[Series/TheDailyShow Jon Stewart]].
54	** Well... Jon is Jewish...
55	*** [[spoiler: ...So was Jesus]]
56	** Naw, [[http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/mon-january-18-1999/a-hastily-thrown-together-editorial---antichrist Jon already confessed to being the Antichrist.]] Presumably the Apocalypse will come on the day the Daily Show runs out of jokes.
57
58	[[WMG: Stephen is a wizard.]]
59	This is how he is able to store all that stuff (up to and including '''two Starbucks''') under his desk, and why he can communicate with ghosts. It's also why he doesn't doubt in the supernatural. Abraham Lincoln's skull is a magical artifact he uses in his rituals.
60	* Better version, he's ''the'' wizard. [[AWizardDidIt The one who did it]]. That's right, he's [[Webcomic/EightBitTheater Sarda]].
61	* [[http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/265496/march-04-2010/health-care-magic Confirmed!]]
62	->"I also do children's parties."
63
64	[[WMG: Colbert isn't really a Republican.]]
65	Think about it.
66	* Colbert, not Republican? You'll never get people to believe that.
67	* That's ridiculous, Colbert wears glasses! And, uh...hmm.
68
69	[[WMG: Sweetness talking is a long-running gag by ''Series/TheColbertReport'' staff and a corrupt surgeon.]]
70	They had a remote-frequency hearing aid powered by one of those tiny, movement-recharged power cells inserted into his deaf (or deafened) ear, and whisper into it whenever he is holding the gun. Fortunately, their plan to get him to [[IJustShotMarvinInTheFace ignore gun safety]] backfired when it ricocheted off his balls,
71
72	[[WMG: Colbert is actually reasonably conservative,]]
73	* He just has a sense of humor.
74	** This one is true! Sort of. Colbert isn't conservative in the modern political George Bush/Dick Cheney sense, but he does admire Reagan and (pre-Watergate) Nixon on personal levels. He owns a 1968 Nixon campaign poster and a dog named Gipper.
75	*** I think the dog belongs to the character. The poster is his though!
76
77	[[WMG: Colbert is ACTIVELY working to eradicate all species of bear on earth.]]
78	Think about it... Remember how he replaced his stage manager Bobby specifically for global warming? That's for the polar bears. Grizzly bears, the terrible beasts they are, were the reason he and Jon Stewart (who is obviously in on it too) worked so hard in Barack Obama's favor. With Sarah Palin stuck in Alaska, she has nothing to do but kill bears.
79
80	His most sinister work is the panda. Stephen has laced all bamboo everywhere with chemicals to reduce the panda's sex drive. Because honestly, whether it saved their species or not, would you want to see two pandas humping? I wouldn't.
81
82	[[WMG: Stephen is already on a team for the 2010 Winter Olympics]]
83	It's just a secret and wont be revealed until he tries out for the sport he's actually competing in.
84	* Called it? Maybe? We don't actually know when he 'joined the speed skating team', but...
85
86	[[WMG: Stephen died as a result of one of many Prescott Pharmaceuticals' products.]]
87	As of January 12, 2010, his cell phone alarm is the ''Series/DeadLikeMe'' theme. He was obviously the last reap of one of the Reapers, and either has been [[DeadAllAlong Undead All Along]] or found a loophole in the swiss cheese memory clause. (Now... how to use this [[BuffySpeak fanitude]] to aim the Colbert Nation to the desired result of a ''Series/DeadLikeMe'' revival?)
88	** It's the Sex and the City theme. They just sound similar.
89	** When Gary Sinise was being interviewed, he asked Stephen what that thing was on the left side of his mantle. He was referring to the western statue with the horses, but Stephen thought he meant the hourglass on the far left. Stephen commented, "That is an hourglass. It was a gift from the grim reaper." Note that all the sand was at the bottom part of the hourglass.
90	** But in the finale, [[spoiler:Stephen ''killed Death itself'', becoming immortal in the process.]]
91
92	[[WMG: Stephen Colbert wants an iPad.]]
93	Okay, I know this is kind of out there, but go with me on it. Although Colbert doesn't like to read, he does like shiny things. And what's more shiny these days than an a gigantic iPhone? GIVE STEPHEN COLBERT AN IPAD.
94	* As of April 1, 2010... [[WordOfGod CONFIRMED]]! ([[LethalChef It]] even does salsa)
95
96	[[WMG: Stephen possesses a working [[Literature/ThursdayNext Prose Portal]].]]
97	However, he apparently only uses it to travel to comics, since he doesn't like to read. He looks ''exactly'' like Tek Jansen, and (based on the Cheating Death segment from March 24, 2010) has acquired and re-programmed [[ComicStrip/{{Dilbert}} Ruebert]], using his incessant whine for good instead of annoyance. This may also be how he "wrote" ''I Am America and So Can You'': The entire book is a quote of him shouting (and not ''typing'') it, just with the quote marks bumped down one level and the dialogue tags turned off.
98
99	[[WMG: Stephen has a SplitPersonality.]]
100	The "normal" Stephen, and the Stephen we see on the set, are two separate minds in the same body.
101	* Confirmed as of April 22, 2010. After flat-out refusing to interview the stand-ins for Gorillaz, he made his real self change clothes and do it for him while he sat pouting in a corner of Steve's brain.
102
103	[[WMG: Stephen's ''I Am America (And So Can You)'' is a homage/challenge to [[Webcomic/HetaliaAxisPowers America]].]]
104	His glorious "stack of paper" proclaims a self-portrait with the subheading "America." Somehow, he's apparently trying to call the bluff of a certain Alfred F. Jones.
105
106	[[WMG: Conversely, Stephen IS America.]]
107	Ever seen those petitions to have Stephen Colbert voice America from ''Webcomic/HetaliaAxisPowers?'' He won't have to since he's pretty much Alfred in a dyed wig. I mean, he's hyper, brash, uber-patriotic and loves burgers and apple pie. He got his hatred of bears from a bad visit to Canada.
108
109	[[WMG: Stephen got his hatred of bears by playing ''VideoGame/BanjoKazooie'' as a child and not being very good at it.]]
110	...Nope, me either.
111	* The biggest problem with this is that ''VideoGame/BanjoKazooie'' was released in 1998. But then again... Time Lord.
112
113	[[WMG: We are all [[EveryoneisJesusInPurgatory Stephen Colbert in Purgatory]].]]
114	You mean heaven, right? The guy has the greatest life ever.
115
116	[[WMG: [[Series/TheMuppetShow Sam the Eagle]] is Stephen Colbert's [[UsefulNotes/FurryFandom fursona]].]]
117	Stephen's enough of a nerd that he might have created his own anthro mascot character at some point in the past, and the two do have a suspicious amount in common.
118
119	[[WMG: After seeing the previews of the new Film/{{Captain America\|The First Avenger}} movie Stephen will do something with that shield.]]
120	You want it to happen.
121	* Jossed.
122
123	[[WMG: At one point in time the wheel of heroes has/will say [[Webcomic/HetaliaAxisPowers Alfred F Jones.]]]]
124	Either as a reference to Stephen calling himself America or because America really just likes him that much. When his name goes past, Stephen will stop talking and watch it cross the screen, mumble something about plans, and snap back to what he was doing.
125
126	[[WMG: Stephen is the creation of a union between [[Webcomic/HetaliaAxisPowers Alfred F Jones.]] and a [[Series/DoctorWho Timelord]].]]
127	(Spoilers for season 6 of Series/DoctorWho)
128	Conceived in the TARDIS, Colbert is the child of a Timelord and America, but because he was conceived in the TARDIS, and thusly near a time vortex, he has the traits of a timelord while still being the child of a nation. Also, because he ''is'' the child of a nation, he has an innate need to ''be'' a nation- hence the title of his website as Colbert'''nation'''.
129
130	[[WMG: Steven is a [[Film/CaptainAmericaTheWinterSoldier Hydra agent]] ]]
131	Because [[http://pbs.twimg.com/media/Bl4wpQTIMAAcNmE.jpg:medium this]] appeared in the opening sequence of the colbert report
132
133	[[WMG: "Stephen Colbert" will be KilledOffForReal when the show ends in late 2014.]]
134	He's confirmed his next show won't be done in character, so this seems like the natural way to retire the character for good. As for the cause of death, I'd bet on [[ArchEnemy Rain]].
135	* I would bet on Jay the Intern killing Stephen.
136	* On December 11, 2014, Stephen announced his last guest will be Grimmy/the Grim Reaper.
137	** {{Jossed}}. [[spoiler:He ends up killing Grimmy, becoming immortal and joining an immortal pantheon consisting of Santa Claus, Unicorn Abraham Lincoln, and Alex Trebek.]]
138
139	[[WMG: "Alternitivly Colbert will die in the final fighting [[spoiler:The Avengers]] ]]
140	[[spoiler:Cap just wanted his shield back]]
141	* Also {{Jossed}}. See above.
142
143	[[WMG: Stephen is stopping the show due to PoesLaw.]]
144	The show started as a satire of far-right pundits, with Stephen taking their talking points to the satirical extreme. But now, it's gotten harder for him to out-nut the nutcases. Here's something he said in a ''2006'' interview:
145	->'''Stephen:''' Language has always been important in politics, but language is incredibly important to the present political struggle. Because if you can establish an atmosphere in which information doesn't mean anything, then there is no objective reality. The first show we did, a year ago, was our thesis statement: What you wish to be true is all that matters, regardless of the facts. Of course, at the time, we thought we were being farcical.
146
147	So maybe it was inevitable. [[FridgeHorror One only hopes]] Website/TheOnion won't suffer a similar fate.
148
149	[[WMG: Colbert will appear in-character on ''The Nightly Show'']]
150	Wilmore has said that ''The Nightly Show'' will be done in a roundtable pundit format. Colbert could easily come back as a guest panelist, especially if the topic involves Bill O'Reilly or bears.

Context WMG / TheColbertReport