1 | ->''"If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak."'' |
2 | -->-- '''Neal Page''', ''Film/PlanesTrainsAndAutomobiles'' |
3 | |
4 | ''[[JustForFun/DescribeTopicHere If I wanted to describe If I Wanted X I Would Y here, I would go to TV Tropes...]] [[WhereDoYouThinkYouAre wait a minute.]]'' |
5 | |
6 | A [[StockPhrases common put-down]] of a work/activity/food/etc., by naming a prominent aspect of that thing, and claiming that aspect is better in another thing, usually in the form of "If I wanted (aspect), I would (other thing with that aspect)." |
7 | |
8 | This will almost always be said in a [[DeadpanSnarker snarky]] manner, and often has a TakeThat on either side of the line (or both). |
9 | |
10 | A SisterTrope with BetterByADifferentName. |
11 | |
12 | Compare XCalledTheyWantTheirYBack, ILikeMyXLikeILikeMyY, ImADoctorNotAPlaceholder. |
13 | |
14 | Not to be confused with IfIWantedYouDead. |
15 | ---- |
16 | !!Administrivia/InUniverseExamplesOnly |
17 | |
18 | [[foldercontrol]] |
19 | |
20 | [[folder:Comedy]] |
21 | * Creator/LewisBlack on the tax code: |
22 | -->"If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read ''Literature/WarAndPeace'' four times." |
23 | * Doug Stanhope mocked MoralGuardians this way: |
24 | -->"If God had intended women to prostitute themselves, he would have given them a free will and a vagina." ''[{{beat}}]'' |
25 | [[/folder]] |
26 | |
27 | [[folder:Comic Books]] |
28 | * One ''Series/RedDwarf'' comic strip has them listening to an ApocalypticLog InTheStyleOf ''Literature/TheCanterburyTales''. Rimmer's criticism sounds like it's going to be one of these, but [[SubvertedTrope subverts]] it. |
29 | -->'''Rimmer:''' I don't want to sound like a wet blanket, Lister, but if I wanted to attend an amateur poetry reading, I'd be mad. |
30 | * ''ComicBook/{{Preacher}}'': Herr Starr, forced to 'socialize' at a [[AncientConspiracy Grail]] meeting, snarks at the Prime Minister of Australia in this fashion. |
31 | -->'''Starr:''' If I wanted to visit a bunch of sheepshaggers, I'd go to Wales. It's closer. |
32 | [[/folder]] |
33 | |
34 | [[folder:Comic Strips]] |
35 | * ''ComicStrip/CalvinAndHobbes'', where Calvin explains why he does not like organized sports: |
36 | -->"I hate all the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. Somebody's always yelling at you, telling you where to be, what to do, and when to do it. I figure when I want that, I'll join the Army and at least get paid." |
37 | [[/folder]] |
38 | |
39 | [[folder:Fan Works]] |
40 | * In a ''WebVideo/DragonBallZAbridged'' video, Nappa says he likes ''Manga/{{Naruto}}'', and Vegeta says, "If I wanted to watch over a hundred episodes of {{Filler}}, I'd watch ''Manga/InuYasha''." |
41 | * ''Webcomic/CinemaSnobReviewsFrozen'' (a fan comic where ''WebVideo/TheCinemaSnob'' reviews ''WesternAnimation/Frozen2013'') does this, being true to the Snob's style of jokes. When talking about Hans, Snob says he'll "take real bland pretty boys, like Gayracula, thank you very much". |
42 | * ''[[http://archiveofourown.org/works/5409173/chapters/13496263 Harry Potter and the Gaining of Faith]]'': |
43 | -->'''Faith:''' No one gives a squirt of piss what you think, Trollbridge. You're nothing but a Wizengamot lackey. When we wanna know what you think... we'll owl ''them''. |
44 | * A meta-example comes from the Website/SpaceBattles discussion thread for ''Fanfic/TheNextFrontier'', after an emphatic ShrugOfGod about just how the [[AlcubierreDrive Alkerbierre Drive]] actually works: |
45 | -->'''The author:''' If I liked writing pages and pages of exposition about technological minutiae of no relevance to the actual plot I'd get a job ghostwriting for Creator/CliveCussler. |
46 | * ''[[https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12135554/6/Solstice-Academy-for-Sorcery Solstice Academy for Sorcery]]'': |
47 | -->'''Shacklebolt:''' This is the work of someone truly angry...either they targeted young Mr. Potter and killed the adults for a long time. That, or if what you say is true, and Mr. Potter really is going Dark after finding his heritage, then I strongly urge you to consider staying off of his shitlist for a while, Albus. You do not want to risk this war you are planning.\ |
48 | '''Dumbledore:''' My dear Shacklebolt, if I wanted to hear things I already have contingency plans in place for, I would use a tape recorder. Now get young Miss Tonks out of here and clean her mess up, or else I'm going to have a very wicked thought regarding the placement of your head. |
49 | * ''WebVideo/VisionOfEscaflowneAbridged'' |
50 | -->'''Van:''' If I wanted to sleep through half of the episode, I would have watched...\ |
51 | List of series flashed rapidly: ''Anime/WolfsRain'', ''VideoGame/{{Gungrave}}'', ''[[Anime/GhostInTheShellStandAloneComplex GitS: SAC]]'', ''Anime/ParanoiaAgent'', ''Manga/{{Mushishi}}'', ''Anime/BoogiepopPhantom'', ''[[OddNameOut Hi, Mom!]]'', ''Anime/SerialExperimentsLain'', [[BreadEggsMilkSquick squirrels do it]], ''Anime/SamuraiSeven'', ''Anime/TheSoulTaker'', ''Anime/CasshernSins'', ''Literature/KinosJourney''\ |
52 | '''Van:''' ''Anime/WitchHunterRobin''. |
53 | * ''[[https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13402617/1/The-Desired-Effect The Desired Effect]]'': |
54 | -->'''Harry:''' Dinner?\ |
55 | '''Shacklebolt:''' No can do, I'm afraid. I've got a dinner meeting with Cornelius Fudge... though you're welcome to come as my guest, if you'd like?\ |
56 | '''Harry:''' If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I'd fart. |
57 | [[/folder]] |
58 | |
59 | [[folder:Films -- Live-Action]] |
60 | * ''Film/TheJewelOfTheNile'': Omar wants romance writer Joan Wilder to write a puff piece on him. When she discovers his plan of conquest and says she's going to tell the truth, he scoffs: "If I wanted the truth, I'd have hired ''Series/SixtyMinutes!''" |
61 | * From ''Film/PlanesTrainsAndAutomobiles'': |
62 | -->'''Cab Dispatcher:''' Where are you going?\ |
63 | '''Neal:''' Chicago.\ |
64 | '''Cab Dispatcher:''' Chicago?\ |
65 | '''Neal:''' Yeah, Chicago.\ |
66 | '''Cab Dispatcher:''' You know you're in St. Louis?\ |
67 | '''Neal:''' Yes I do.\ |
68 | '''Cab Dispatcher:''' Why don't you try the airlines? It's faster and you get a free meal.\ |
69 | '''Neal:''' If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak. Now are you gonna help me or are you gonna stand there like a slab of meat with mittens?\ |
70 | ''([[TalkToTheFist the cab dispatcher punches him in the face]])'' |
71 | * ''Film/{{Goldeneye}}'': |
72 | -->'''Bill Tanner:''' Seems your hunch was right, 007. It's too bad the Evil Queen of Numbers wouldn't let you play it...\ |
73 | ''(M walks in)''\ |
74 | '''M:''' You were saying?\ |
75 | '''Bill Tanner:''' No, no, I was just... just um...\ |
76 | '''M:''' Good. Because if I want sarcasm, Mr Tanner, I'll talk to my children, thank you very much. |
77 | * From ''Film/{{Dragonheart}}'', after Draco wonders about the ethics of their scam: |
78 | -->'''Bowen:''' If I wanted my conscience pricked, I would've stayed with the priest! |
79 | * ''Film/WhoFramedRogerRabbit'': In a deleted scene, after Eddie Valiant is caught snooping in the Ink and Paint Club, and [[FemmeFatale Jessica Rabbit]] assumes he was staging a solo panty raid: |
80 | -->'''Eddie Valiant:''' Look, doll, if I'd've wanted underwear, I'd've broken into Frederick's of Hollywood! |
81 | * ''Film/WhatsTheWorstThatCouldHappen'': While having a one-sided conversation with his bartender: |
82 | -->'''Uncle Jack:''' If I wanted to hear myself talk, I'd leave myself a voicemail message! |
83 | [[/folder]] |
84 | |
85 | [[folder:Literature]] |
86 | * In ''Literature/TheDresdenFiles'', a villain once told Dresden that if the villain wanted his opinion, the villain would [[ImpliedDeathThreat read it out of his entrails.]] |
87 | [[/folder]] |
88 | |
89 | [[folder:Live-Action TV]] |
90 | * ''Series/RealTimeWithBillMaher'' |
91 | -->"Technology businesses must cut the baby talk. It's 2007. You're a rapacious, multi-billion-dollar corporation, not a stuffed animal. This week, Yahoo! announced a deal with Bebo, which will help it compete with Google. I had to Wiki Bebo to find out it's kind of like Friendster and Woofy. Gosh, I hope they can all band together and save Fuzzleton Village from the evil Snorgs! Grow up! If I want to see uncaring money-making machines with cutesy names, I'd go to a strip club." |
92 | ** Bill does this ''a lot'' in his book, ''New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer''. |
93 | * ''{{Series/Firefly}}'' |
94 | ** From "Objects in Space": |
95 | --->'''Mal:''' If I want medical jargon, I'll talk to a doctor.\ |
96 | '''Simon:''' You ''are'' talking to a doctor. |
97 | ** Also, quoth Jayne; "Hell, if I had wanted schooling, I would have gone to school!" |
98 | * ''Series/{{Friends}}''. Phoebe is dating two men at once -- a teacher and a fireman. She's out with the teacher when they see a car catch fire, and he's confused when her response to the sound of sirens is to run away (so he doesn't find out about the fireman). |
99 | -->'''Phoebe:''' If I wanted to see a fireman I would date one! |
100 | * ''Series/{{Sherlock}}''. When Irene Adler [[NakedFirstImpression shows up naked to meet Sherlock]], Sherlock merely says "If I wanted to look at naked women, I would borrow John's laptop." |
101 | -->'''John:''' You ''do'' borrow my laptop.\ |
102 | '''Sherlock:''' I confiscate it. |
103 | * ''Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer'' |
104 | ** In "Out of My Mind", Riley thinks Buffy won't want to be with him if he's just a normal man, and she responds with, "Do you think that I spent the last year with you because you had super powers? If that's what I wanted, then I'd be dating Spike." (This becomes HilariousInHindsight about a year later.) |
105 | ** Subverted rather cruelly by Giles against Spike in "Once More With Feeling" |
106 | --->"If I want your opinion, Spike, I'll— I'll never want your opinion." |
107 | * Parodied in ''Series/FistOfFun'': During a discussion about water pollution Stuart Lee asks Richard Herring if he wants to swim in raw sewage. Herring replies "Stuart, if I wanted to swim in raw sewage I'd..." and then details a highly developed plan to break into the local sewage works. Lee quickly realises that yes, he really does. |
108 | * In the ''Series/StarTrekTheOriginalSeries'' episode "That Which Survives", after major seismic tremors and loss of contact with the ''Enterprise'': |
109 | -->'''Sulu:''' Could it be the ''Enterprise'' hit the planet? [[TheTunguskaEvent Once in Siberia, a meteor flattened whole forests]]--\ |
110 | '''Kirk:''' If I wanted a Russian history lesson, I'd have brought along Mr. Chekov. |
111 | * Dr. Kelso pulls this one out a lot on ''Series/{{Scrubs}}'', along with the similar; "I'll tell you the same thing I told X, '[related pun]'." |
112 | * ''Series/TheGoldenGirls'' when Dorothy is working on a kids' show. |
113 | --->'''Director''': If I wanted this kind of abuse,I'd be directing the ''[[Series/{{Roseanne}} Roseanne Barr]]'' show. |
114 | * ''Series/ThirtyRock'': |
115 | -->'''Liz:''' Don't you know the Postmaster General?\ |
116 | '''Jack:''' I do, but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. If I wanted to lick a hippie I'd just return Joan Baez's phone calls. |
117 | * In one episode of ''Series/WhosTheBoss'', Jonathan decides he wants to be a stand-up comedian. His routine consists of a lot of unfunny and, at times, nonsensical "what is the deal with that?" style jokes. When talking about sushi, he says "If I wanted to eat raw fish, I'd bite a river". |
118 | * Some of Al’s pearls of wisdom on ''Series/MarriedWithChildren'' are based on this format. |
119 | -->‘If God had wanted women to bowl, he would have put their breasts on their backs so we would have something to watch while waiting.’ |
120 | * ''Series/MalcolmInTheMiddle'' In the episode "Cynthia's Back": |
121 | -->'''Dabney:''' If I wanted this kind of abuse, I'd have a conversation with my oboe teacher. |
122 | [[/folder]] |
123 | |
124 | [[folder:Music]] |
125 | * From ''Just Hold Me'' by Music/MariaMena |
126 | -->''But if I wanted silence I would whisper\ |
127 | And if I wanted loneliness I'd choose to go\ |
128 | And if I liked rejection I'd audition\ |
129 | And if I didn't love you, you would know'' |
130 | [[/folder]] |
131 | |
132 | [[folder:Radio]] |
133 | * In an episode of ''Radio/ImSorryIHaventAClue'', there was a round of Closed Quotes which specialized on comebacks. Among these comebacks was the lovely "If I wanted to hear from an arse, I would have farted." |
134 | [[/folder]] |
135 | |
136 | [[folder:Tabletop Games]] |
137 | * The ''TabletopGame/MagicTheGathering'' card Stifle has flavour text: |
138 | -->"If I wanted your opinion, I'd have told you what it was."\ |
139 | -- Pemmin, Riptide survivor |
140 | [[/folder]] |
141 | |
142 | [[folder:Video Games]] |
143 | * An example from VideoGame/MarioAndLuigiPartnersInTime: |
144 | -->''(Present Toadsworth is freaking out)''\ |
145 | '''Past Toadsworth''': ''(...)'' Really, if I wished to witness myself embarrassing myself, I'd belch in front of a mirror. |
146 | * During a Zerg mission in ''[[VideoGame/StarCraft Brood War]]'', we have this exchange when Fenix, Jim Raynor, and Arcturus Mengsk are discussing an eventual betrayal by Kerrigan. |
147 | --> '''Arcturus''': If you ask me, she's completely untrustworthy. But so long as she'll help me retake Korhal, I'll work with her.\ |
148 | '''Raynor''': If I wanted your opinion, Arcturus, I would've beaten it out of you! And in case you forgot, you're the reason she became what she is in the first place! |
149 | [[/folder]] |
150 | |
151 | [[folder:Web Animation]] |
152 | * ''WebAnimation/ZeroPunctuation'', dismissing ''VideoGame/MassEffect2'''s resource-gathering: |
153 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' If I wanted to be a space quantity surveyor, I'd play ''VideoGame/EVEOnline''. |
154 | [[/folder]] |
155 | |
156 | [[folder:Web Comics]] |
157 | * ''Webcomic/ToothpasteForDinner'', on [[http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/index.php?date=011912 foreign films]]: "If I wanted to read while people were speaking another language, I'd bring a book to the Chinese restaurant" |
158 | * ''Webcomic/SchlockMercenary'': When I want your opinion I'll mind-rip it out of your shattered skull, thank you. |
159 | * ''Webcomic/QuestionableContent'': Hannelore [[http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=3390 opposes]] Station's idea of orbital railgun strikes against [[spoiler:Corpse Witch, for blackmailing Bubbles with encrypted memories]] because "If I wanted to live in a '''''crater''''' I would have moved to the '''''moon'''''." |
160 | [[/folder]] |
161 | |
162 | [[folder:Web Original]] |
163 | * Discussed in Website/TheJargonFile, beginning with the [[http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/I/If-you-want-X--you-know-where-to-find-it-.html example]] "If you want PL/I, you know where to find it." |
164 | [[/folder]] |
165 | |
166 | [[folder:Web Videos]] |
167 | * A MadLibsCatchPhrase of ''WebVideo/TheCinemaSnob''. Subverted once when he realized he didn't like even the other thing. |
168 | * ''WebVideo/TheNostalgiaCritic'', in his review of ''Film/TheodoreRex'': |
169 | -->'''Nostalgia Critic:''' Oh please, if I wanted to watch Whoopi Goldberg interact with dinosaurs, I'd watch "The View". |
170 | * Pops up quite a few times as lines in ''WebVideo/EpicRapBattlesOfHistory'' as one battler disses another. Some examples: |
171 | ** From "Julius Caesar vs. Shaka Zulu": |
172 | --->'''Caesar''': So don't go rattling your sticks at me -- if I wanted to [[Creator/WilliamShakespeare shake spears]], I'd waggle [[Theatre/JuliusCaesar my biography]]. |
173 | ** From "Ragnar Lodbrok vs Richard the Lionheart": |
174 | --->'''Richard I''': If I wanted to fight loser Vikings, [[EveryYearTheyFizzleOut I'd go to]] [[UsefulNotes/NationalFootballLeague Minnesota]]. |
175 | ** From "Harry Potter vs Luke Skywalker": |
176 | --->'''Luke Skywalker''': If I wanted teenage wizardry, [[Series/WizardsOfWaverlyPlace I'd call]] Creator/SelenaGomez! |
177 | ** From "James Bond vs Austin Powers": |
178 | --->'''[[spoiler:Connery!]]Bond''': Your performance doesn't stir me, and I'm certainly not shaken.\ |
179 | If I wanted [[TakeThat shitty acting in my action film]], I'd go and watch ''Film/{{Taken}}''. |
180 | ** From "Mansa Musa vs Jeff Bezos": |
181 | --->'''Jeff Bezos:''' If I wanted to waste my life on desert spice, I'd watch ''Film/{{Dune|2021}}''. |
182 | * ''WebVideo/SandersSides'' has a rather [[TearJerker sad]] variant of this: |
183 | ---> '''[[TheFriendNobodyLikes Anxiety]]''': If I wanted to stand around being insulted, I would show up in person, like I normally do. |
184 | * This series of vines, [[https://www.youtube.com/shorts/lTQKv_iF6bA Oh, you're not Jeffrey!]] |
185 | * WebVideo/FreshyKanal: In the unfinished, audio-only rap battle "Ferris Bueller vs. Nagisa Shiota", Ferris disses Nagisa's fighting skill by saying, "If I wanted to fight a weeb Hitman, I’d go and see [[VideoGame/YandereSimulator Ayano]]." |
186 | [[/folder]] |
187 | |
188 | [[folder:Western Animation]] |
189 | * ''WesternAnimation/AmericanDad'': |
190 | ** From one exchange between Steve and Stan: |
191 | --->'''Steve:''' Dad, can we go to Graceland?\ |
192 | '''Stan:''' Steve, if you want to pay your respects to a fat man who died on the toilet, we can visit your Aunt Mary's grave. |
193 | ** A variant on "Not Particularly Desperate Housewives": When Francine wants to adopt Fussy the dog, Stan says, "Forget it! We already have something girly and annoying in this house. It's called Roger." |
194 | * This was a frequent trope in Creator/HannaBarbera cartoons of the early 1960s. For instance, in one episode of ''WesternAnimation/TheFlintstones'', Fred says, "If I want laughs, I'll call WesternAnimation/YogiBear." |
195 | * ''WesternAnimation/{{Archer}}'': |
196 | ** From one exchange between Archer and Malory: |
197 | --->'''Archer:''' Don't you want a grandkid?\ |
198 | '''Malory:''' Well, if I did, I'd just scrape all your previous mishaps into a big pile and knit a onesie for it.\ |
199 | '''Archer:''' [[CrossesTheLineTwice Jesus Christ!]] |
200 | ** And another: |
201 | --->'''Archer:''' If I wanted to look at your bare feet, I'd sneak in and do it when you were asleep. |
202 | ** One more: |
203 | --->'''Malory to her chauffeur:''' If I wanted to sit around all day going nowhere, I'd become a ''teacher''! |
204 | * ''WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons'': After Bart is caught shoplifting at Try 'N' Save, the security guard dismisses his offer to pay for the stolen video game with, "If I wanted smoke blown up my ass, I'd be at home with a pack of cigarettes and a short length of hose!" |
205 | * WesternAnimation/BeavisAndButtHead respond to music videos involving text with "If I wanted to read, I'd go to school!" |
206 | * In the ''WesternAnimation/DuckTales1987'' episode "[[Recap/DuckTalesS1E4WhereNoDuckHasGoneBefore Where No Duck Has Gone Before]]", when Launchpad inadvertently dumps himself into outer space and sees the Earth far below him, he exclaims, "If I wanted to see the world, I would have joined the Navy!" |
207 | * ''WesternAnimation/HelpImAFish'': "When I want your opinion I'll give it to you!" |
208 | * ''WesternAnimation/TheMrMenShow'': Often done by Mr. Grumpy. |
209 | -->'''Mr. Grumpy:''' If I wanted to ''wear'' my dinner, I'd have gone to Mr. Messy's. |
210 | * In the ''WesternAnimation/DarkwingDuck'' episode "Tiff of the Titans", Drake Mallard shuts off the TV when a news report about Gizmoduck is playing, remarking that he'd have tuned into a congressional hearing if he wanted to listen to a clown. |
211 | * ''WesternAnimation/{{Brickleberry}}'': Malloy's response after Ethel is cast in a porno movie but refuses to do a sex scene: |
212 | --> '''Malloy:''' If I wanted a shitty actor who refuses to show their tits, I would've cast Creator/KevinJames. |
213 | [[/folder]] |
214 | |
215 | [[folder:Real Life]] |
216 | * Used in a pro-choice slogan: ‘If I wanted the government in my uterus, I'd fuck a senator!’ |
217 | * Computer scientist Dennis Ritchie responded to comments for improvements to the C programming language with "If you want PL[=/=]I, you know where to find it." |
218 | * Popular joke saying often seen on T-shirts and bumper stickers: "If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart!" |
219 | * Joke aimed at websites that start playing sound on being loaded, rather than waiting for you to hit a control indicating you ''want'' to hear the sound: "If I had wanted your website to make noise, I would have licked my finger and rubbed it across the monitor." |
220 | * A meme with a woman having a meltdown followed by a snarky cat at a dinner table has one from somebody obviously not a Taylor Swift fan. The woman yells "Listen to Taylor Swift!!" The cat replies "If I want to listen to something that sucks, I'll listen to a vacuum cleaner." |
221 | [[/folder]] |
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