Line #71 Funny/ShanghaiNoon


1	!!General
2	* Outtakes from both movies.
3	-->'''Jackie Chan:''' He was part of your regiment of a dentist ... ''[laughs]'' dentist?\
4	\
5	'''Jackie Chan:''' Roy, she's my [[{{Malaproper}} babysitter.]]\
6	'''Owen Wilson:''' ''Baby sister''.\
7	\
8	''[Jackie jumps on a tarp as part of one of the fight scenes, and falls right through it]''\
9	'''Jackie Chan:''' ''[offscreen]'' [[NonSequiturThud What happened?]]\
10	\
11	''[Jackie falls through a hole in the set, and we hear a truly amazing crash]''\
12	'''Jackie Chan:''' You're supposed to ''catch'' me.\
13	\
14	'''Jackie Chan:''' ''[whispering]'' That which you have promised, you must perform.\
15	''[Phone rings offscreen]''\
16	'''Jackie Chan:''' ''[whispering]'' Hello?\
17	\
18	''[Jackie throws tomahawks offscreen, and we hear a crash]''\
19	'''Jackie Chan:''' Wow, [[CurseCutShort shi]]--\
20	''[Larger crash]''\
21	'''Jackie Chan:''' SHIT!\
22	\
23	''[Jackie walking away from the camera]''\
24	'''Owen Wilson:''' I'm talking to you! Turn around!\
25	''[Jackie turns back, barely able to keep a straight face]''\
26	'''Jackie Chan:''' Ask me if I give a shit!!!
27
28
29	!!''Shanghai Noon''
30	* "We're men, we're not piñatas!"
31	* When the guys read their wanted posters.
32	-->'''Roy:''' The Shanghai Kid. This is terrible!
33	-->'''Chon Wang:''' I know. I'm not from Shanghai.
34	* The Sioux shaman to the chief on his daughter marrying the Chinese Chon: "Could be worse. At least it's not a white guy."
35	** Just before that, Chon awakens confused, and exits the tent to the entire tribe whooping and cheering for him, scaring him back inside. Then he exits and is greeted by the Chief, who throws his arms up to welcome him in an embrace, but does so with such speed and gusto that Chon is startled and jumps back.
36	** Even she gets in on the quips when Chon starts protesting his marriage.
37	--->'''Chon's Wife:''' He didn't complain last night.
38	* In the final shootout when '''all''' of Roy's shots not only miss Van Cleef, but completely miss even the large pillar he's using for cover, and Van Cleef casually takes a smoke break:
39	-->'''Van Cleef:''' How do you ''survive'' out here?
40	-->'''Roy:''' What's that supposed to mean? These aren't my-- These guns are really weird!
41	* During their earlier aborted duel:
42	-->'''Van Cleef:''' Why don't you turn and face me like a man?\
43	'''Roy:''' Why don't you do it your way and I'll do it my way? How about that?
44	* Van Cleef's [[spoiler:last words]]:
45	-->'''Van Cleef:''' [[ThisCannotBe How in the hell did that happen?]]
46	* Another great line from Van Cleef at the start of the climax:
47	-->'''Van Cleef:''' Well, what do you know, it's a MexicanStandoff ... only we ain't got no Mexicans.
48	* As Chon and Lo Fong fight inside the large bell, Chon slams the clapper into the bell to disorient Lo Fong, but the sound is so deafening, both men drop the fight, cover their ears and stagger out of the bell.
49	* Roy is a little more than annoyed when Chon pledges his allegiance to his emperor even when he's ready to be hanged.
50	-->'''Roy:''' Yeah, [[LostInTranslation John]], I've heard all about the emperor. Must be a hell of a man.
51	-->'''Chon:''' He is only 12.
52	-->'''Roy:''' Are you kidding? You're sitting here with a noose around your neck ready to die for a kid whose balls haven't even dropped?!
53	* When Chon and Roy get broken out of jail by Chon's wife.
54	-->'''Roy:''' Hey, who's the pretty lady ...
55	-->'''Chon:''' That's my wife.
56	-->'''Roy:''' How long have you been in the country?
57	-->'''Chon:''' Four days.
58	-->'''Roy:''' Nice work!
59	* When Chon is with the Sioux:
60	-->'''Chon:''' ''[speaking very slowly and loudly]'' Where ... is ... Carson ... City?
61	-->'''Chief:''' ''[in Sioux to his companion]'' Now he's saying it slower: like that's gonna help!
62	** Whatever it is the Sioux are smoking, it at least helps Chon relax... after he passes out giggling, one of the Sioux sniffs at the pipe and says "This is some powerful shit, eh?"
63	* When Chon is fighting the Crow, they throw tomahawks at him. He tries throwing them back. The Crow warriors calmly, without any change in expression or stride, catch them out of the air. Chon gets an OhCrap look.
64	* When Chon is using the wet shirt to escape from jail. Roy's reaction is priceless.
65	-->'''Roy''': You said "wet shirt don't break" not "piss shirt bend bar".
66	* Aside from killing Chon's uncle, Wallace is absolutely hilarious, especially his big, doofy grin, EternallyPearlyWhiteTeeth, and over-the-top Texas accent.
67	* Roy and Blue discuss [[AxeCrazy the new guy.]]
68	-->'''Roy''': Where did you get this guy?
69	-->'''Blue''': Texas.
70	-->'''Roy''': Texas? ''[DopeSlap]'' Are you insane?
71	* Roy and Chon relax at a brothel and take the time to bathe, and Roy asks Chon if he knows any drinking games. What follows is the two knocking back shot after shot of whiskey while playing a very energetic drinking game. The two then spend some time waxing philosophical, with Chon asking for another round and Roy saying no...cue GilliganCut of both of them in the same tub, back to the drinking game, making an enormous mess of water and soap in the process.
72	** The best part of the whole scene is that while Roy gets just a bit tipsy at most, Chon ends up ''drunk off his ass''. And when the two need to make an escape by jumping off the balcony onto their horses, Chon lands on his horse backwards and can't figure out why his horse has no head.
73	** In maybe the best use of horse abuse since ''Film/BlazingSaddles'', Chon's horse snatches a bottle of booze from a drunkard's hand and chugs it in one go to the drunkard's disbelief. Even when Chon is too drunk to make a getaway, the horse also stumbles around to show it also is too inebriated to go anywhere.
74	* When Chon goes into a saloon earlier in the film (where he runs into Roy again), his horse initially walks up the steps to go inside too. Chon struggles to get the horse to hold still while the townsfolk watch on, agape. Finally the horse responds to "stay" by sitting like a dog.

Context Funny / ShanghaiNoon