Funny: Shanghai Noon
Owen Wilson: Baby sister.
- "We're men, we're not pinatas!"
- When the guys read their wanted posters.
Roy: The Shanghai Kid. This is terrible!
Chon Wang: I know. I'm not from Shanghai.
- Jeddediah to his wife on the Imperial Guardsmen: "They're not Indians, woman. They're Jews!"
- "Could be worse. At least it's not a white guy."
- In the final shootout when all of Roy's shots completely miss Van Cleef, who takes a smoke break behind a pillar:
Van Cleef: How do you survive out here?
Roy: What's that supposed to mean? These aren't my...! These guns are really weird!
Van Cleef: Why don't you turn and face me like a man?
Roy: Why don't you do it your way and I'll do it my way?
- Van Cleef's own Premortem One Liner.
Van Cleef: How in the hell did that happen?
- Another great line from Van Cleef at the start of the climax:
Well, what do you know, it's a Mexican Standoff
...only we ain't got no Mexicans.
- As Chon and Lo Fong fight inside the large bell, Lo Fong slams the clapper into the bell to try to incapacitate Chon, but the sound is so deafening, both men drop the fight and run out of the bell.
- Roy is a little more than annoyed when Chon pledges his allegiance to his emperor even when he's ready to be hanged.
: Yeah, John
, I've heard all about the emperor. Must be a hell of a guy.
Chon: He is only 12 years old.
Roy: Are you kidding? You're sitting here with a noose around your neck ready to die for a kid whose balls haven't even dropped?!
- Watching Jackie Chan with that umbrella WHILE music from Singin' in the Rain is playing in the background.
- Watching it with closed captioning makes it funnier, as it actually spells out the "do de do do do de do de do do..."
- Similarly, watching Jackie Chan beat up a bunch of cops in a revolving door while music reminiscent of Keystone Cops plays.
- Roy's response after Chon recriminated him for pimping him out was priceless.
- Chon saves Lin just in the nick of time. She thanks him by slapping him as soon as her hands are free.
Chon: I just saved you!
Lin: You were late!
- Rathbone's annoyance at Wu's Stealth Hi/Bye entrances. "MUST you keep doing that?!"
- Roy messing with the palace guard. "That's the biggest damn beaver I've ever seen!" Then gets a Groin Attack when he touches the guard.
- Lin throws Jack the Ripper off of a bridge and yells something that is subtitled with symbols at him.
- Roy talking about his future children with Lin: Vera, Chuck and Dave