Funny / Shanghai Noon


  • Outtakes from both movies.
    Jackie Chan: He was part of your regiment of a dentist ... [laughs] dentist?

    Jackie Chan: Roy, she's my babysitter.
    Owen Wilson: Baby sister.

    [Jackie jumps on a tarp as part of one of the fight scenes, and falls right through it]
    Jackie Chan: [offscreen] What happened?

    [Jackie falls through a hole in the set, and we hear a truly amazing crash]
    Jackie Chan: You're supposed to catch me.

    Jackie Chan: [whispering] That which you have promised, you must perform.
    [Phone rings offscreen]
    Jackie Chan: [whispering] Hello?

    [Jackie throws tomahawks offscreen, and we hear a crash]
    Jackie Chan: Ooh, oh shi
    [Larger crash]
    Jackie Chan: SHIT!

Shanghai Noon

  • "We're men, we're not piñatas!"
  • When the guys read their wanted posters.
    Roy: The Shanghai Kid. This is terrible!
    Chon Wang: I know. I'm not from Shanghai.
  • Jedediah to his wife on the Imperial Guardsmen: "They're not Indians, woman. They're Jews!"
  • The Sioux shaman to the chief on his daughter marrying the Chinese Chon: "Could be worse. At least it's not a white guy."
  • In the final shootout when all of Roy's shots completely miss Van Cleef, who takes a smoke break behind a pillar:
    Van Cleef: How do you survive out here?
    Roy: What's that supposed to mean? These aren't my— These guns are really weird!
  • During their earlier aborted duel:
    Van Cleef: Why don't you turn and face me like a man?
    Roy: Why don't you do it your way and I'll do it my way? How about that?
  • Van Cleef's Famous Last Words:
  • Another great line from Van Cleef at the start of the clcimax:
    Van Cleef: Well, what do you know, it's a Mexican Standoff ... only we ain't got no Mexicans.
  • As Chon and Lo Fong fight inside the large bell, Chon slams the clapper into the bell to disorient Lo Fong, but the sound is so deafening, both men drop the fight, cover their ears and stagger out of the bell.
  • Roy is a little more than annoyed when Chon pledges his allegiance to his emperor even when he's ready to be hanged.
    Roy: Yeah, John, I've heard all about the emperor. Must be a hell of a man.
    Chon: He is only 12.
    Roy: Are you kidding? You're sitting here with a noose around your neck ready to die for a kid whose balls haven't even dropped?!
  • When Chon and Roy get broken out of jail by Chon's wife.
    Roy: Hey, who's the pretty lady ...
    Chon: That's my wife.
    Roy: How long have you been in the country?
    Chon: Four days.
    Roy: Nice work!
  • When Chon is with the Sioux:
    Chon: [speaking very slowly and loudly] Where ... is ... Carson ... City?
    Chief: [in Sioux to his companion] Now he's saying it slower: like that's gonna help!
    • Whatever it is the Sioux are smoking, it at least helps Chon relax... after he passes out giggling, one of the Sioux sniffs at the pipe and says "This is some powerful shit, eh?"
  • When Chon is fighting the Crow, they throw tomahawks at him. He tries throwing them back. The Crow warriors calmly, without any change in expression or stride, catch them out of the air. Chon gets an Oh, Crap! look.
  • When Chon is using the wet shirt to escape from jail. Roy's reaction is priceless.
    Roy: You said "wet shirt don't break" not "piss shirt bend bar".
  • Aside from killing Chon's uncle, Wallace is absolutely hilarious, especially his big, doofy grin, Eternally Pearly-White Teeth, and over-the-top Texas accent.
  • Roy and Blue discuss the new guy.
    Roy: Where did you get this guy?
    Blue: Texas.
    Roy: Texas? [Dope Slap] Are you insane?

Shanghai Knights

  • Watching Jackie Chan with that umbrella WHILE music from Singin' in the Rain is playing in the background.
    • Watching it with closed captioning makes it funnier, as it actually spells out the "do de do do do de do de do do..."
  • Similarly, watching Jackie Chan beat up a bunch of cops in a revolving door while music reminiscent of Keystone Cops plays.
  • Roy's response after Chon recriminated him for pimping him out was priceless.
    Roy: Chon, just go in there and do your business and think about your sister in England.
  • Chon saves Lin just in the nick of time. She thanks him by slapping him as soon as her hands are free.
    Chon: I just saved you!
    Lin: You were late!
  • Rathbone's annoyance at Wu's Stealth Hi/Bye entrances. "MUST you keep doing that?!"
  • Roy messing with the palace guard. "That's the biggest damn beaver I've ever seen!" Then gets a Groin Attack when he touches the guard.
  • Lin throws Jack the Ripper off of a bridge and yells something that is subtitled with symbols at him.
  • Roy talking about his future children with Lin: Vera, Chuck, and Dave
  • The appearance of this sudden heavy guy we've never seen before or again during the pillow fight. He seems to enjoy it but Roy's just confused.
  • After much conflict, Chon gives Roy his blessing to Roy to pursue Lin.
    Chon: But if you break her heart, I break your legs.
    Roy: That's fair.
  • The reveal early on in the film that Roy spent half of his and Chon's money from the first film writing a series of Blatant Lies novels depicting himself as The Ace and Chon as the Bumbling sidekick.
  • Roy insulting the scrappy street kid Charlie.
    Charlie: Who showed you how to do all that kicking and punching?

    Chon: My father.
    Roy: Have you ever heard of those? They're parents. You don't 'cause you're a little orphan.