Line #86 Funny/OldMansWar


1	[[foldercontrol]]
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3	[[folder:Old Man's War]]
4	* One of the preliminary psych tests the recruits are given is intended to determine their exact rage breaking-point. In John's case, this involved mocking his dead wife as nastily as possible. One of John's squadmates, Thomas, is not pleased with that test (which in his case involved bad-mouthing the Cubs.)
5	--> '''Thomas:''' What pissed me off [[ShapedLikeItself was the one where they got me all pissed off.]]
6	* The new recruits have [=BrainPals=][[TradeSnark ™]] implanted in their brains to act as personal assistants and communicators. John is startled to learn that the computers both activate themselves and that they communicate by making the recruits hear voices. After a brief introduction, the [=BrainPal=] asks what John would like to call it, and John chooses "Asshole".
7	-->'''Asshole''': Be aware that [[StrangeMindsThinkAlike many recruits have selected this name]] for their [=BrainPal=]™. Would you like to choose a different name?
8	** In a later conversation, John learns that Jesse has named hers "Bitch". After initially thinking she was addressing him.
9	** The Old Farts share the names they've given their [=BrainPals=]:
10	--->"Asshole," I said.\
11	"Bitch," Jesse said.\
12	"Dickwad," said Thomas.\
13	"Fuckhead," said Harry.\
14	"Satan," said Maggie.\
15	"[[OddNameOut Sweetie]]," said Susan. "[[LampshadeHanging Apparently, I'm the only one who likes my BrainPal.]]"
16	** Throughout the rest of the book, there is a subtle RunningGag of John's [=BrainPal=] providing him with entirely relevant and [[CaptainObvious entirely obvious]] information, always of course referred to as "Asshole".
17	* John's DrillSergeantNasty intends to find something about every single recruit that he hates enough to make their lives hell for. He starts with military veterans, because they reflexively apply the tactics they learned fighting humans on Earth to combat on faraway planets against God-knows-what. He ''particularly'' hates Marines, because they're the worst of all about this due to their egos. Next up are homosexuals. He's not homophobic, but he's had three separate gay soldiers [[AnguishedDeclarationOfLove profess their love for him]] in [[KindaBusyHere the middle of a harrowing battle.]]
18	-->'''Master Sergeant Ruiz''': God''damn'', that’s inappropriate. Some alien is trying to suck out my fucking brains, and [[SkewedPriorities my squadmate wants to talk about our relationship!]] As if I wasn't already ''busy.''
19	** After Ruiz goes through an extensive list of people who piss him off, including ''clog dancers'' (which was even weirder because someone in the platoon happened to fit that category), he comes down to John, and is [[LogicBomb infuriated to learn that there is nothing about him which pisses him off.]] A short conversation reveals that John used to work in the advertising business, and his greatest achievement was coming up with a mascot for a tire company called Willie Wheelie. At which point Ruiz strips his uniform top off and reveals that [[HiddenDepths he has a Willie Wheelie tattoo.]]
20	** Afterwards, Ruiz admits that he's simultaneously proud to have met him (because the motto John came up with inspired to help him get his life back on track), and shocked that he's actually run into a recruit that he can't immediately find a reason to give them grief for. Afterwards, he admits that John will probably do something to piss him off, anyway, and makes him platoon leader to ensure that it happens.
21	** Later on, when the CDF tells John that they're considering giving him a medal for his actions during the first Battle of Coral, one of them (Keegan) says that "Ruiz wouldn't compliment his mother for giving birth to him" when telling John how hard it is to earn his respect.
22	* During a raid on the Whaidian homeworld, John is accompanied by Private Bender a rather liberal-minded fellow who spent his previous life as a successful politician and diplomat, who keeps insisting that they should give peace a chance. When they happen across a massive gathering of Whaidians, Bender decides to [[TooDumbToLive run up to them and extend a friendly offer of peace.]] The narration [[BlackHumor dryly notes]] that he was struck by about [[NoKillLikeOverKill 40,000 blowgun darts]] in the space of a second, which caused his body to [[ChunkySalsaRule literally liquify]] due to the [[DeathOfAThousandCuts sheer number of tiny puncture wounds he received.]] It was widely agreed by every soldier present to be the most interesting death they'd ever witnessed.
23	* Another mission has John's unit taking part in a large scale operation to retake a former human colony that had been claimed by the Covindu after the original human settlers died of a plague. The narration describes the drawn-out, intense fighting they had endured, and mentions that the Covindu are one of the rare examples of HumanoidAliens, being very similar to humans in many ways... [[LilliputianWarriors save for being less than an inch tall.]] The tide of battle has turned such that the Covindu have exhausted most of their fighting capability, and the human soldiers are rampaging through their cities stomping on them, with an explicit comparison to {{Kaiju}}. The realization of just how absurd the situation is causes John to have a nervous breakdown (in addition to a brief HeelRealization).
24	* John learns that he gets to be the linchpin in the Ghost Brigade's plan to retake Coral, beginning with a little visit to the [[SufficientlyAdvancedAlien super-advanced]] [[ScaryDogmaticAliens Consu]] to act as the human Ambassador to a race which invades its far less advanced neighbors for completely unknown reasons.
25	-->'''John''': [[FlatWhat I am suddenly confused and terrified.]]
26	* And then, through sheer chance and idle curiosity, John ''learns'' the 'completely unknown reason'.
27	--->'''John:''' You could wipe out everybody in this region of space. Why don't you?\
28	'''Consu:''' [[NonSequitur Because we love you.]]\
29	'''John:''' ...Excuse me?
30	* Crick's response after John reveals that he just saved Jane ''and'' got a memory module with the files for the Consu tracking device: "No one likes an overachiever, Captain."
31	* After the Rraey lose the Second Battle of Coral, they try to hit up the Consu for more technology. The Consu respond by imploding the Rraey ship and sending it into a black hole. John comments afterwards that it "still strikes me as overkill".
32	* During basic training, one of the other recruits (a former pop star used to getting what he wanted) tries to take over, and John, Alan, and the squad leader decide to handle the disciplining themselves. Namely by John and Alan hanging the insubordinate recruit by his ankles out of a moving hovercraft, while the squad leader harshly critiques the recruit's most famous album.
33	* When John first meets with the Consu "ambassador", the latter gives a brief speech about how he is a shame to the Consu, and how he hopes that his actions here will earn him the right to die and be reborn. John replies with "It's nice to meet you, too."
34	[[/folder]]
35
36	[[folder:The Ghost Brigades]]
37	* The first chapter centers on a group of Rraey researchers on a distant outpost which is suddenly attacked by alien invaders. When the head researcher is cornered by one of them, the narration gives the physical description of the bipedal mammalian alien, comparing and contrasting her physiology with the researcher's, until the researcher realizes what he is dealing with.
38	-->''Fucking humans.''
39	** While being interrogated, the researcher learns that the humans had found the carefully concealed underground complex by planting seismic sensors and proceeding to pepper the planet with meteors, allowing them to analyse the feedback on the sensors for anything out of place. Or, [[DeadpanSnarker as he puts it]], the humans figured out how to bang rocks together.
40	* General Mattson largely exists to be a HateSink, and he is largely aware of and unconcerned by this. Throughout the book he ends up [[AssholeVictim being the focal point of quite a bit of light-hearted comic relief]] in an otherwise relatively serious narrative due to his unsympathetic nature. He gets screamed at by a newly-created BlankSlate ArtificialHuman, later gets punched in the face by the same person, can't get automatic sensors on the bathroom sink to work, and when he finally gets the sink to work, can't find any paper towels.
41	* A bit of DescriptionPorn exposits on the amazing technological development of a semi-organic computer that could be integrated with the human brain, and ''"which in a moment of profoundly inappropriate branding was lightly dubbed the [=BrainPal=]"''.
42	* Several CDF officers discover that Charles Boutin had faked his own suicide before defecting, and that he created a backup copy of his own consciousness to facilitate this. So they produce a new SuperSoldier BlankSlate from Boutin's DNA in hopes of transplanting his personality and interrogating him. A general who didn't like Boutin to begin with, and is very irate that he turned traitor, positions himself so that the first thing Boutin sees upon waking up is the General. And then is treated to Boutin's clone screaming in his face, due to the consciousness failing to take root, effectively leaving him as a terrified newborn.
43	** Later in the book, the consciousness ''does'' begin to take root, resulting in the clone (now known as Jared Dirac) [[HeyYouHaymaker slugging the general in the face]] on their next meeting.
44	* General Mattson demonstrates that in the distant future, humanity has interstellar travel, LegoGenetics, sophisticated computerized brain implants, and the little automatic sensors on bathroom sinks still refuse to work reliably. And the latrine is out of paper towels.
45	* The Special Forces recruits quickly learn that Special Forces troops have a reputation for having NoSenseOfHumor, leading to an ongoing discussion and exploration of the topic, including all of them learning a wide variety of jokes, and widely agreeing that they don't get any of them. Except for Sarah Pauling, [[TheHyena who laughs hysterically at every joke.]] Eventually they figure out that she doesn't actually get the jokes, but finds it ''hilarious'' that nobody else does either.
46	* The recruits discover swearing, and begin to [[ClusterFBomb cuss extensively]] before their instructor tells them to knock it off. The next day they discover ''Arabic'' swearing. Not long after, they discover sex, and the narration notes that they didn't have time to learn about much else for the next day or so.
47	* Sarah declares that she doesn't act like a child. [[HypocriticalHumor And then sticks her tongue out at Jared.]]
48	* Cainen notes that he and Jared have both been at the business end of Jane Sagan's stun gun. He goes on to suggest they could start a club.
49	* The RunningGag of Colonel Robbins being invited to spend lunch with General Mattson and/or General Szilard in the General's Mess, and not being allowed to eat anything because he's not a General.
50	** During one of these meals, Szilard is explaining what he thinks is going on, and gets annoyed that Robbins limits his input to polite, subordinate, noncommittal statements.
51	-->'''General Szilard''': Christ, Robbins. Do you think I’m talking to you because I don’t have ''friends?''
52	** The rule about only Generals getting to eat in the General's Mess is noted as being a tradition, rather than an actual rule. Szilard thinks the whole thing is ridiculous and decides to end one of the meetings by [[NotSoAboveItAll badgering Colonel Robbins to eat a cookie in order to break tradition.]]
53	-->'''Szilard''': Colonel, [[ThatsAnOrder I’m giving you a direct order]]. Eat the fucking cookie.
54	** And then Mattson formally breaks the tradition in the last chapter by ordering Robbins a plate of spaghetti Bolognese, telling another general "Shut the fuck up, you dried-up turd. This man deserves some goddamn pasta."
55	* Wilson shows off the latest in faster-than-light travel technology: A seat attached to a hyperdrive. It turns out that certain limitations of the technology can be sidestepped, but only if the vehicle is as light as possible.
56	-->'''Wilson''': Too much mass creates too much of a local warp on the time-space. Makes the Skip Drive do weird things.
57	-->'''Jared''': Like what?
58	-->'''Wilson''': Like explode.
59	-->'''Jared''': That’s not encouraging.
60	-->'''Wilson''': Well, ''explode'' is [[LaymansTerms not quite the accurate word]]. The physics for what ''really'' goes on are [[DivideByZero much weirder]], I assure you.
61	-->'''Jared''': You can stop now.
62	* Sagan learns that Szilard's [=BrainPal=] lets him [[spoiler: read the thoughts of his subordinates. Including her recent thought about him being an officious prick.]]
63	-->'''Sagan''': [[ICanExplain There was context for that.]]
64	** Szilard then notes that he usually leaves that feature disabled, [[spoiler: since the vast majority of human thought centers on food, taking a crap, or having sex.]]
65	* Jared finally comes face to face with Boutin, who claims to have been ExpectingSomeoneTaller.
66	-->'''Boutin''': That was a joke.
67	-->'''Jared''': I know. It just wasn't funny.
68	* One of Sagan's plans involves being catapulted through the air to get out of a holding area she and some of her troops are imprisoned in. As she rapidly approaches the ground again, she takes a moment to reflect on what the landing will be like:
69	-->''[[ThisIsGonnaSuck This is going to hurt.]]''
70	* Shortly after, she sees an enemy rapidly approaching on a hovercraft, and reaches around for anything to use as a weapon. [[RummageFail She comes up with a clod of dirt,]] and ends up nailing the enemy in the face with it anyways, knocking him off.
71	* Harvey has been detailed to [[WeNeedADistraction draw off as many of the enemy troops as possible.]] He is well-suited to the task.
72	-->[[LeeroyJenkins Harvey lived for this sort of shit.]]
73	** Harvey finds himself in a crowded mess hall full of enemy soldiers, while at the controls of a heavily armed hovercraft.
74	-->Things got messy real fast after that. It was just fucking beautiful.
75	-->[[SociopathicSoldier Harvey loved his job.]]
76	* Seaborg, having come up blank on other methods of destroying the Obin base's generator, decides to see if the gas leaking from it is flammable.
77	-->'''[[LemonyNarrator Narration]]''': [[BluntYes It was.]]
78	** [[spoiler:[[MoodWhiplash Brought down immediately afterwards]] when Seaborg is killed in the resulting explosion.]]
79	* A bit of meta-humor, from the Afterword, where John Scalzi wants to first say something to everyone who thinks that writing a sequel in a universe you've already built is easy:
80	-->'''John Scalzi''': [[HaHaHaNo Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha! Heh. No.]]
81	* In the last chapter, Szilard asks how the negotiations with the Obin are going, to which Robbins claims that there are no negotiations. Szilard snarkily points out that he doesn't believe a word of it, and asks how the 'not-negotiations' are going.
82	-->'''Robbins:''' [[CouldSayItBut They're not going surprisingly well. We probably won't reach an agreement in the next couple of days.]]
83	-->'''Szilard:''' How not wonderful.
84	* Harvey using the term 'Einstein' - as in 'idiot' - during a conversation about wildcat colonies, only for another one of the troops, Julie Einstein, to tell him to leave her out of it.
85	[[/folder]]
86
87	[[folder:The Sagan Diary]]
88	* Amidst the matter-of-fact narration of her role in the universe's cycle of life and death, Jane describes John Perry explaining [[ReassignedToAntarctica their new jobs on the colony of Huckleberry]], and admits that she stopped actually paying attention to anything he was saying a while ago. Shortly after, she gets him to stop talking by tossing the table sitting between them and pouncing on him for some lovemaking.
89	* An editorial note from a CDF official reviewing the diary complains that Jane spends less time talking about her experiences as a soldier (which is of historical interest to the official) and more time dwelling on her new-found love for John Perry (regarding which, mention that it's nice to know that she's in love, and that Perry is doubtless a very lucky man, but that ''they really don't care.'')
90	[[/folder]]
91
92	[[folder:The Last Colony]]
93	* Perry reflects on how he first met his loyal and hardworking assistant, Savitri. During a visit to the colony of Huckleberry, part of a whistle stop tour of the colonies as the CDF's premiere war hero, Savitri stoop up and called him a "tool of the imperial and totalitarian regime of the Colonial Union."
94	-->'''Perry''': [[VitriolicBestBuds I liked her immediately.]]
95	* Jane doesn't like it when John kisses her while she's on duty as Huckleberry's Constable, feeling that it erodes her authority. John pauses to imagine some local criminal trying to give Jane, a decorated Special Forces veteran, a hard time because she kissed her husband. He predicts the ensuing ass-kicking would be "terrible in its magnitude."
96	* Jane is less than impressed with how some of the colonists for Roanoke were selected. One of the worlds selected their candidates by lottery. Another via game show. Yet another had the colonial administration just start by [[ReassignedToAntarctica picking everyone they didn't get along with.]]
97	* Zoe laments that being something akin to a messianic figure for an entire space faring alien race can't even get her a free pass to skip doing homework.
98	* When John notices a boy he hasn't met yet, Enzo, putting his arm around Zoe's waist, [[BoyfriendBlockingDad he gets his hackles up.]] In response, Jane teases him, calling him by Zoe's nickname of "Ninety-Year-Old Dad" and wrapping her arms around him.
99	-->'''John''': [[IronicEcho You know I don't like it when you do that. It erodes my authority.]]
100	-->'''Jane''': Cram it.
101	[[/folder]]
102
103	[[folder:Zoe's Tale]]
104	* Zoe and her new friend Gretchen decide to break up a fight between two groups of boys from different planets by [[BatmanGambit barging into the middle of it]] and announcing that they've made a SideBet on who will win. The stakes in this bet, and thus implied to be the most important aspect of the whole confrontation, is that the girl who wins the bet gets the other girl's desserts for a whole week.
105	* When Zoe was younger, she tried to use her abnormal treaty status to avoid bedtime. Jane replied by pulling out a thousand-page physical copy of the treaty and showing Zoe that it doesn't say anything about her bedtime.
106	* At one point, John and Jane are being affectionate, and Zoe notes in the narration that she is always of two minds about that sort of thing, because hey, you're happy that your parents love each other, but at the same time, your parents ''love'' each other, which is just gross.
107	[[/folder]]
108
109	[[folder:The Human Division]]
110	* Harry gets the lame job of looking after an Ambassador's dog during a visit to the Icheloe. The dog gets eaten by a carnivorous plant while peeing on it, and Harry has to let himself be eaten by the same plant in order to rescue it. As it's happening, the gardener that Schmidt has wrangled for more info on the plant admits that he's pretty excited about the whole thing (because he's never seen the plant eat something alive before) and wishes he could record it.
111	** When Harry finds the dog, he also finds out that the dog had been chewing on the long-lost Icheloe king's skeleton, causing the king's crown to get stuck to it[[note]]because the crown was programmed to recognize the dead king's [=DNA=], and mistook the dog for the king[[/note]]. After learning that they need to kill the dog to remove the crown, he comes up with a way to safely kill and revive the dog through a transfusion of [=SmartBlood=], and tells the dog to play dead just before he electrocutes it.
112	-->"'Play dead'?" Schmidt said, ten seconds later, after examining the dog. "That's just cruel."
113	* During the attack on [[spoiler: Earth Station]], an automated alert announces the availability of escape pods only ''after'' several other avenues of escaping the station fail. Hart Schmidt reflects on the absurdity of an emergency plan that waits until ''that'' point to actually announce this.
114	* In "Tales from the Clarke", Harry realizes that the Earthlings are lying about where they're from because one, Tiege, doesn't know that the Cubs had broken their infamous losing streak two years ago. After he gets them to fess up by threatening to space them, revealing that little tidbit of information in the process, Tiege promises to tell him everything - after Harry confirms that the Cubs really did win.
115	[[/folder]]
116
117	[[folder:The End of All Things]]
118	* When he's about to drop into Earth's atmosphere [[spoiler:to warn them about Equilibrium's impending attack]], Harry briefly wishes that he could visit his homeworld normally for once.
119	* While coming to an arrangement between Earth, the Colonial Union, and the Conclave, Sorvalh declares that what she wants from this, more than anything, is to not have to constantly deal with humans or humanity in general, as this whole debacle has taken more of her time than any other inter-species conflict, and she's sick and tired of the whole thing.

Context Funny / OldMansWar