Line #25 Funny/ClassicalMythology


1	* It's hilarious that Acrisius tried to avoid the prophecy of being killed by his grandson Perseus by shipping him and his own daughter Danae away, only to end up dead due to a freak accident when Perseus accidentally hits him on the head with a discus while playing a funeral game. Said funeral was the result of an adventure caused by Perseus being shipped away.
2	** Similarly, the death of Apollo's lover Hyacinth crosses the line between tragic and hilarious: One day Apollo and Hyacinth were throwing a discus around, and Apollo threw it so hard it split the clouds open. Hyacinth [[TooDumbToLive ran to catch it]] and missed, with the discus bouncing off the ground and hitting him in the face, killing him instantly. Another myth had the ''same thing'' happen with Hermes and Crocus.
3	* One myth had Hephaestus take revenge on Hera for throwing him off Mount Olympus by crafting a golden throne that glued her to her seat when she sat down. He only relented when Dionysus got him too drunk to resist being taken back to Olympus.
4	* When Telemachus asks Odysseus what kind of help they have for taking down the suitors, Odysseus basically says, "We've got Zeus and Athena on our side. Are you sure that'll be enough?"
5	* One story details how Hera was so spectacularly angry at Zeus that she left Olympus. After failing to persuade her to return, Zeus asked for help and was told to make a wooden doll, dress it in a bridal veil, and tell everyone he was getting remarried to lure Hera out. [[SpeakNowOrForeverHoldYourPeace It worked]].
6	** Speaking of Zeus and Hera's marriage, the whole way it began. Hera wasn't actually looking to marry Zeus, knowing his tendencies, but Zeus kept wooing her anyways. So one day Hera said, all right, if you can get me to say "I love you", I'll marry you. For the next few days, Zeus was conspicuously distant, then a cuckoo appeared on Hera's windowsill during a freak storm. Taking pity on the bird, she of course immediately took it inside, dried it and fed it. The cuckoo was very glad with this turn of events and was acting and chirping so sweetly that Hera said, "Awww I love you too." Cue the cuckoo turning into Zeus [[GrinOfAudacity with a huge grin]].
7	*** Fridge funny, but... Zeus turned, of all the birds he would be inconspicuous as, into a cuckoo. You know, the bird known for leaving its eggs in other nests for other birds to hatch and tend to, as well as the bird where we get the word "cuckold" from, which means... to cheat on a spouse you are married to. If you ever needed a sign he was ''not'' going to change habits even after marrying...
8	** On that note, Zeus and Hera's wedding night is said to have lasted for 300 years. ''300 years''. Divine or not, they must have been ''really'' sore after that (or at least exhausted).
9	** A nymph named Chelone refused to attend the wedding. Zeus turned her into a tortoise as punishment.
10	** The way Zeus persuaded Hera to stop torturing Io after she's been turned into a cow, which basically amounts to him telling her "I promise that I'll never try anything with this woman ever again". Note that he said nothing about doing the same to any other woman, he just promised to never mess around with Io specifically ever again. It makes you wonder if Hera really took his promise to heart or just figured that was the best she was gonna get out of him.
11	* Hephaestus gets pissed off because his wife Aphrodite is cheating on him with Ares and makes a golden net which he hides by their bed. The next time they start getting it on, [[InterruptedIntimacy the net catches them and hauls them into the air]] and Hephaestus calls all the other gods to have a good look. The whole of Olympus stands around laughing, and Apollo says to Hermes, 'So, would you mind being chained up naked for everyone to see?' Hermes promptly replies that he wouldn't mind a bit, provided he got to sleep with Aphrodite.
12	** Pornographia also originally meant "to write about prostitution", so it's come a long way in the last few thousand years.
13	* An unintentional example, but if you look at some versions of Tiresias and Arachne's myths, Athena has ''really'' bad luck when it comes to [[NiceJobBreakingItHero helping people]]. A boy almost sees her naked and she tries to shield his innocent eyes? Whoops, she blinded him! A rival tries to kill herself and Athena tries to show her mercy by saving her? Whoops, now her rival's a spider!
14	* Speaking of Tiresias, the alternate story of his blindness has a share of funny in it too. He saw a pair of snakes mating one day and separated them with his cane, causing him to be turned into a woman. In following years, adventures as, among others, a temple prostitute ensued, until, meeting the same pair of snakes again and this time leaving them alone, his original form was restored... only for him to happen upon Zeus and Hera in a heated debate about who gets more pleasure out of sex, men or women. They see Tiresias and are immediately like, "Hey, YOU spent time as both a man and a woman! Answer!" He does, which causes Hera to blind him. As even Zeus can't undo what another god did, he gifts him the talent of prophecy via an ability to speak to birds instead. Just in case you wonder, his answer was women.
15	* Aphrodite, Hephaistos and Eros are making weapons, in particular Eros is making a javelin. Ares comes in with a strong spear and [[JerkassGods begins making fun of his son's creation]]. Eros says it's heavy and says he should try to pick it up. Ares does so, only to find he can't lift it up and his hand is stuck under it.
16	-->"Ergh, it's really heavy. Take it back."
17	-->"No, you can keep it."
18	* The poet Creator/{{Sappho}} of Lesbos, who ([[https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/03/16/girl-interrupted may have]]) wrote poetry about her love for women and who gave the names to you know exactly what, was supposedly married to ''Kerkylas of Andros'', a name that roughly translates to Dick Allcock from Big Man Island. (Turns out [[Film/MontyPythonsLifeOfBrian Mr. Biggus Dickus]] might have existed!) He may be fictional, and "of Kalamamos" may have been better because that means [[TheProblemWithPenIsland "of pen island"]], roughly.
19	* Aphrodite finds out some women of a city don't worship her, because they believe that they’re prettier than her. She gives them terrible B.O. so their husbands will divorce them. Yes, [[JerkassGods the same person who tried to kill Psyche for similar reasons]] decided to make some girls smell bad.
20	* The start of Hermes' life. He was born in a cave where his mother hid from Hera, and after the birth, his mother Maia tucked him in really tight then went to sleep. Hermes, barely a few hours old, leaves, makes a lyre out of a tortoise, steals 50 cows from Apollo, then goes back to the cave before the sun is up. Apollo notices his cattle missing, and knowing he himself sang and walked right after birth, does not fall for Hermes' cutesy act. He instead drags Hermes in front of Zeus (who tries not to laugh when Hermes starts with the boldfaced lie of "I'll tell you what happened, I, barely a day old, was sleeping soundly when THIS OAF HERE walks in and accuses me of theft!") for judgment. The end of it is that Hermes can keep the cattle, can tell fortunes with dice but in no other way, and becomes the god of thieves among his outrageously long list of tasks.
21	* One of Bellerophon's exploits is calling the sea to flood the plain of Xanthus after an attempt on his life. Trying to appease him, the women from the palace [[YouNeedToGetLaid lift their dresses up and rush to him]]. Alas for them, poor Bellerophon ran away for the hills when he saw all those naked women hell-bent on having their way with him.
22	* When Herakles has to spend one year as Queen Omphale's slave, she promptly decides to humiliate him by swapping their roles, meaning she gets to wear his lion-skin and wave his club while the mighty hero must [[DraggedIntoDrag wear dresses]] and [[TextileWorkIsFeminine weave]] as a good Ancient Greek housewife. It kinda backfired in a way: it didn't humiliate him but Herakles realized [[RealMenWearPink weaving was quite relaxing]] compared to all this monster-slaying...
23	* At least one version of the Hades and Persephone myth reports that, when Hermes was sent down to the Underworld to bring Persephone back, he [[InterruptedIntimacy accidentally walked in on her and Hades having sex]].
24	* Part of Psyche's quest involved her going to the Underworld on behalf of Aphrodite to obtain a box containing Persephone's beauty so Aphrodite could attend a theater. She made it there and back safely, but opened the box out of curiosity, which contained nothing but a deep Stygian sleep--in other words, beauty sleep.
25	* One myth had Dionysus, god of wine and madness, visit the Underworld to resurrect Ariadne and his mother Semele. When Hades asks for Dionysus to leave his "best beloved" behind as the price, Dionysus leaves his finest wine and/or makes a grapevine grow, and ''Hades deems it adequate payment''.
26	* During Heracles' Tenth Labour, he was in a desert and became so frustrated at the heat that he shot an arrow at Helios, who was busy driving the Sun. Helios was impressed at his audacity and gave him a magic cup to cross safely.
27	* One day when Ares and Aphrodite were having sex, Ares had his companion/lover Alectryon guard the door in case Helios wandered by, as he'd tell Hephaestus of their indiscretion if found out. Alectryon fell asleep on guard duty and Helios caught them in the act, so as punishment Ares turned him into a rooster, [[JustSoStory which heralds the sun's arrival by crowing]].
28	* One version of Zeus's backstory had him raised by a nymph named Amalthea (the other version says he was raised by a goat with the same name, which is funny in of itself). To hide him from Cronus, who ruled the sea, sky, and earth, he was either dangled on a rope from a tree to be in none of those domains, or hid in a cave while a bunch of soldiers made loud noises to cover his cries.
29	* Poseidon invented the first horse in an attempt to woo Demeter, only to be so distracted by the horse he forgot about Demeter completely.
30	* Hades and Persephone's daughter Melinoe was either conceived or born at the River Cocytus, where Hermes happened to be stationed as psychopomp. One can only hope he got a raise after that.
31	* The Orphic Mysteries version of Persephone's abduction describes that when Hades opened the earth to steal Persephone, [[FunnyBackgroundEvent a bunch of pigs fell in with her]], much to the consternation of the swineherd Euboleus. Later, to cheer up a mournful Demeter, an old lady named Baubo [[NakedPeopleAreFunny exposed herself]], making the goddess laugh and getting her to eat.

Context Funny / ClassicalMythology