| 1 | [[foldercontrol]] |
| 2 | |
| 3 | [[folder:Classics ([=mark3611=] re-uploads)]] |
| 4 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bd6TPPjvxVY Chest Pain]] |
| 5 | ** "When I became deathly ill, I became an ambulance" |
| 6 | ** ''Film/{{Alien}}''. |
| 7 | ** "I've fallen, and I can't get up!" "[[WesternAnimation/SpongeBobSquarePants Hi, I'd like to place an order for delivery.]]" |
| 8 | |
| 9 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PN2QbPuPORI Suicide Putty]]: |
| 10 | ** "Do you suck at life?" |
| 11 | ** "Simply knead to activate, apply and die." |
| 12 | ** "As you knead, it activates, turning from green to red to show that you're almost dead." |
| 13 | ** "Now, watch ''[[Film/ThreeHundred 300]]!''" |
| 14 | *** "This is blasphemy! This is madness!" "THIS... IS... [[spoiler:[[LastSecondWordSwap Billy Mays here for DC Snowboard Boots!]]]]" ''[kick]'' |
| 15 | ** "But I'm not done yet, call right now and I'll triple the offer and send you six sticks of Suicide Putty so you can [[ThereIsNoKillLikeOverkill kill yourself six times!]]" |
| 16 | ** "But it gets even better: [[IBangedYourMom Billy Mays is scoring with your mom!]]" |
| 17 | |
| 18 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MY8-3SluSzw Los Hooks del Hercules.]] |
| 19 | ** "Hi, Mays Billy here for the Hooks Hercules, one of the fastest and ''CHEESE''-iest ways to go hunting or fishing, [[GoingCommando without any clothing!]] No more clothing, guaranteed!" |
| 20 | ** "With the Hercules Hook, you just [[OverlyLongGag push, pull, push, pull, push, pull--]]" ([[VideoGame/TheLegendOfZeldaCDIGames ONE CLICHE LATER]]) "--push, pull, push, set, and hang [[ForegoneConclusion your clothing]]!" |
| 21 | ** "Proudly display Billy Mays' super-heated shit in your giant, medieval toilet, or hang a big bulky cabinet without breaking your big bulky ass!" |
| 22 | ** "The secret is the double penetration, to please up to a hundred and fifty moms!" |
| 23 | ** "They're so strong you can safely hang a heavy mirror-sized wall, or this giant Iraqi" ''[cue picture of Saddam Hussein's execution]'' "...with confidence!" |
| 24 | ** "Call now and receive 10 Hooks Hercules for only [[WeirdCurrency 20 ounces of liquid]]." |
| 25 | ** "So [[OverlyLongGag stop swatting, stop shooing, and stop spraying! Stop stumbling around in the dark looking for the switch. Stop getting out of bed just to turn on the light. Stop burning and melting! Stop squishin', stop squashin'! Stop flippin', stop floppin'!]] Stop ... [[Music/MChammer hammer time!]] ''[slam]'' "[[RunningGag Burnt-on cheese!]]" |
| 26 | ** "[[TheStinger Hello]] [[Advertising/{{Volvic}} Alosaurus Alan!]]" ''[monotone]'' "Hello." |
| 27 | |
| 28 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAT1m_Wu_Po Anthony Sullivan Tortures Lobsters]] |
| 29 | ** "You can crack 'em this way..." ([[TooIncompetentToOperateABlanket Only if you're the biggest moron to ever live]]) "..you can crack 'em this way" (I want you all to take a moment and reflect on [[TakeThat how fucking stupid this is]]) |
| 30 | ** This exchange |
| 31 | ---> '''Burger Maker narrator''' Wow! Semen and cheddar, what could be better? Add chili, and everyone will go silly! ({{beat}}) |
| 32 | ---> '''EZ Cracker narrator''': [[ValuesDissonance Shut the fuck up, you gay cracker. You crackers are a hassle.]] |
| 33 | ** "Hi, Anthony Sullivan here for the waterproof potatoes. Regular potatoes are hard to handle, but the waterproof potatoes are dishwasher safe." |
| 34 | ** "You can [[TitleDrop torture lobsters]] with a boiling pot of water. Torture torture torture." |
| 35 | ** "Even if you accidentally touch the flames, you get burned!" "[[Film/TheWickerMan2006 HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!?!]]" |
| 36 | |
| 37 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxhtS5yvzmc Billy Mays Extenze Male Enhancement Commercial]] |
| 38 | ** "Hey, look everybody! It's professional slut, Bridgetta!" |
| 39 | ** "I use Extenze, and now my cock is so big, in some states, it's even illegal!" |
| 40 | ** Billy Mays' dialogue plays it straight, while Bridgetta is stuck with {{double entendre}}s. |
| 41 | --->'''Bridgetta:''' So Extenze is a pretty amazing concept, then, because a guy just takes a single tablet daily and it makes that ... [[BiggerIsBetterInBed certain part of the male body larger.]] |
| 42 | --->'''Billy Mays:''' The secret's in the X-X-X technology, making your cock over 27 times bigger! |
| 43 | ** One shot [[SpecialEffectsFailure forgets to put Billy Mays' head over the host]], resulting in the original upload covering it with a [=YouYube=] annotation reading "HI BILLY MAYS HERE". |
| 44 | ** "Proudly display your new member in your office or [[CrossesTheLineTwice kid's room!]]" |
| 45 | ** $19.99 + Dignity |
| 46 | ** "But call right now, and we'll send you the power extender, free!" |
| 47 | ** "With Eztenze, you'll finally be saying: 'I can please everyone!' And I want you to put it to the test; when you call, you'll get to fuck Bridgetta!" |
| 48 | |
| 49 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qYJNeAIaQ0 Beauty and the Beastiality]] |
| 50 | ** "Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shit castle. The prince was a douchebag, but then, one winter's night, an old bitch came to the castle, and as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous fag." |
| 51 | ** This exchange: |
| 52 | --->'''Gaston''': How can you read this? There's no tits! |
| 53 | --->'''Belle''': Well, some people use their imagination! |
| 54 | ** "Who does she think she is? That girl has tangled with the wrong man! [[ShapedLikeItself No one says 'Gaston' to Gaston!]]" "Gaston!" ''(punch!)'' |
| 55 | ** "No one's dick is as incredibly thick as Gaston!" "[[Creator/BillyMays Not anymore!]]" |
| 56 | ** "I'm especially good at factoring!" '''X[[superscript:2]] + 5X + 6 = (X + 2)(X + 3)''' |
| 57 | ** "When I was a lad I ate four dozen [[CallBack Extenze]] every morning to help my [[UnusualEuphemism specimen]] [[BiggerIsBetterInBed get large!]]" |
| 58 | ** "Every guy here'd like to take a dump in your beer, Gaston!" |
| 59 | ** "Show me the girl..." |
| 60 | *** "[[Music/JonasBrothers The songs, that you play, are blastin' through the speakers of your cock!]]" "[[BigWhat WHAT?!?]]" |
| 61 | ** The Beast [[BreathWeapon shoop-da-whooping]] the [[Film/IndependenceDay West Wing.]] |
| 62 | ** "Show me the girl..." "Hello there! I am Doctor--" "WHAT?!?" |
| 63 | |
| 64 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2MsGxppE4U Crazy Gaston]] |
| 65 | ** "Who does she think she is? That girl has tangled with the wrong crazy man. [[TitleDrop Crazy Gaston]] says no to no one!" ([[HonestJohnsDealership CRAZY GASTON'S USED AUTOS - 100% OFF!]]) |
| 66 | ** "More beer?" "Yes~!" "More beer?" "Yes~!" "More beer?" "Yes Yes Yes~!" ''[barf]'' |
| 67 | ** "Show me the girl..." "No one spoons like Gaston!" "[[BigWhat WHAT!?!?]]" |
| 68 | ** "As you see I got pears! And right now I'm evolving a [[VideoGame/PokemonRedAndBlue Kakuna!]]" (KAKUNA evolved into BEEDRILL!) |
| 69 | *** "[[Film/TheWickerMan2006 NO, NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES!]]" ([[OverusedRunningGag THIS JOKE IS DEPLETED]]) |
| 70 | ** "[=LeFou=], I'm afraid I've been [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noodling noodling]]..." "A dangerous pastime." "YES" |
| 71 | ** "When I was a lad I injected four dozen steroids every morning to help me get large~! And now that I'm grown, I inject heroin, so I have AIDS~!" |
| 72 | ** "As you see I got spare... ribs!" |
| 73 | |
| 74 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IddXp_Ho7pE Hannah Montana Likes Moose]] |
| 75 | ** ''[[=YouTube=] analytics show 95% male demographics]'' "Sausage fest." |
| 76 | ** "I'm sick of your inflatable butt cushion in my face." |
| 77 | ** "What about a moose? From the world famous Make-a-Moose store! And don't forget that cute song... '''''[[Music/{{Slayer}} RAINING]] [[MoodWhiplash BLOOOOOOOOOD!!!]]'''''" |
| 78 | ** "No no no no no no no no! !on on on on on on oN" |
| 79 | |
| 80 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fay-ff3bAAk The Original Billy Burger Station]] |
| 81 | ** "Now, watch ''Film/OldSchool''!" |
| 82 | *** "Billy Mays here for the gang bang!" |
| 83 | ** "Ordinary burgers taste like shit on a bun! Well, let me show you how to cook delicious Billy Burgers, right now! You need two gophers, six sticks of Mighty Putty, and a whopping, six-pound bucket of [[BallsGag Billy Mays' nuts!]] First, clean this shit off your stove, you dirty whore! Then simply kill the gopher..." ''[smash]'' "...and mix it up with a bucket with Mighty Putty--" |
| 84 | *** "I know I should have health insurance but on my budget I just can't--" "[[MemeticMutation You shut your whore mouth]] [[ItsAllAboutMe when Billy Mays is talking!]]" |
| 85 | ** "But call right now, and we'll send you Billy Mays' clothing! It gives you that Billy Mays look!" |
| 86 | ** "But I'm not done yet! Call right now, or Billy Mays will ruin your shit for life! Just pay separate shipping and handling." |
| 87 | ** ''([[TakeThat smashes the head of]] Creator/VinceOffer)'' "[[TheStinger Sham-POW]], [[CensoredForComedy motherf*cker!]]" |
| 88 | |
| 89 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnsBR0UM8oU Billy Hammer is Evil]] |
| 90 | ** "Does the constant pounding cause your ass to ache?" (IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP: Do not chum shark infested waters when people swim. This is VERY dangerous!) |
| 91 | ** "Why am I smashing my car with this hammer?" ''[slam]'' "[[CallBack Burnt-on cheese!]]" |
| 92 | ** "Why am I smashing my hand with this hammer? To show you the amazing protection you get from my hand. And this hammer, is ''not'' real!" |
| 93 | ** "Unlike regular insoles that break down over time, [[OurProductSucks Impact Gel break down instantly!]]" |
| 94 | ** "Talk about shock absorbency, I'm gonna run over my hand with this 6,000 pound car!" ''[beat]'' "You shittin' me?" |
| 95 | *** "Talk about shock absorbency, I'm gonna run over [[TheRival Anthony Sullivan]]'s hand with this 6,000 pound car!" ''[crack]'' |
| 96 | *** "[[RuleOfThree Talk about shock absorbency]], I'm gonna run over Anthony Sullivan with this ''FULLY LOADED, 80,000 POUND TRACTOR-TRAILER!!"'' |
| 97 | |
| 98 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSZpFUqX3rY Billy Mays Green Away]] |
| 99 | ** "I ''hate'' the environment! Don't you?" |
| 100 | ** "The secret is the [[DeadlyGas Agent Orange formula]] developed by Bona Kemi, that puts the power of this professional unit..." ''(cue picture of a military helicopter)'' "...right in the palm of your hand!" |
| 101 | ** "Call right now, and [[BlackComedyRape I'll rape you]] [[NoodleImplements with onions!]] A $20 value, free. [[ImmediateSelfContradiction Just pay for the onions.]] So take the cock out of your mouth, and order right now!" |
| 102 | ** "But I'm not done yet! Billy Mays [[WebVideo/ChadWarden wipes his ass with $600!]]" |
| 103 | *** "But I'm not done yet! Billy Mays puts out a scent that drives the moms crazy!" |
| 104 | *** "But I'm not done yet! Billy Mays has the strength, to eliminate Germany's military!" |
| 105 | *** "But I'm not done yet! Billy Mays [[VideoGame/HaloReach never died, Jorge, they're just missing in action]]." |
| 106 | *** "[[OverlyLongGag But I'm not done yet!]] Billy Mays--" ''[clip of a turtle]'' "I'm done." |
| 107 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=porkE-TdkbQ The Worst Chair Ever]] |
| 108 | ** "The patented design of the [=MeshOne=] gives you [[OurProductSucks painful pressure points and back breaking with its ugly design!]]" |
| 109 | ** "Watch this! Over 2,000 pounds of force, pulling on this mesh!" |
| 110 | --->'''Creator/BillyMays''': You shittin' me? |
| 111 | ** "Chairs using a comfortable mesh can cost over a thousand dollars! Call now and get your [=MeshOne=] for only two payments of [[ShockinglyExpensiveBill $19,000 dollars!]]" |
| 112 | ** "But that's not all-lla ton s'taht; as part of this exclusive TV offer, when you purchase three [=MeshOnes=], we'll throw in my [[TeenyWeenie small, sweaty]] ''[[TeenyWeenie COCK]]'' to complete the set, absolutely free!" |
| 113 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xKWtaA1NFM Billy Mays iCant insurance]] |
| 114 | ** "[[WordSaladHumor Mays Hi Billy Here Toilet!]]" |
| 115 | ** [[ReadTheFinePrint Oranges not included]] |
| 116 | ** "...plans starting as low as [[ShockinglyExpensiveBill $47 million]] a month for you, or $2 trillion a month for your entire family!" |
| 117 | ** "When you call, you'll get to talk with me, Billy Mays, [[CorruptCorporateExecutive who will help you decide which policy gets me the most money!]]" |
| 118 | ** "And why risk lower insurance premiums when you can pay a fortune to Billy Mays. And look! It's like the money was never there." |
| 119 | ** "I know what you're thinking: [[ItsAllAboutMe You love Billy Mays! You love Billy Mays as much as your children! You love Billy Mays more than life! Whatever your situation, nothing is more important than Billy Mays!]]" |
| 120 | ** "With iCant, you'll finally be saying; 'Here Billy, take my money!' And making your money my money is something I'm really passionate about!" |
| 121 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2W9mx6ORSM Suicide Ladder]] |
| 122 | ** "Suicide used to take up hours of your precious time. Not anymore!" |
| 123 | ** "It's faster than a knife, and the only tears you'll cry are tears of AGONIZING DISCOMFORT! [[MoodWhiplash Let me show you]] [[SexSells my favorite position]]." ''[cue sex position diagram]'' |
| 124 | ** "Remember: first you fly, then you die! Here's [[RunningGag another position]] I wanna show you." |
| 125 | ** "But I'm not done yet! Call right now and we'll send you Engrave-It, so you can engrave your SuicideNote right on the ladder." |
| 126 | ** "You're a bad waste of oxygen and you smell. But it gets even better! Your entire family wishes you were dead. Even your dog!" |
| 127 | ** "But first, watch this [[ThereIsNoKillLikeOverkill overkill]]!" ''[cue clip of someone getting an Extermination on [[VideoGame/{{Halo}} Halo]] multiplayer]'' "Amazing!" |
| 128 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P72qvW8BAhk The Big]] [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdbzY7TSkTw City Toilet]], parts 1 and 2. |
| 129 | ** "I looove shittin', don't you? |
| 130 | ** "You can even shit in a child's room!" |
| 131 | ** "Then simply peel off all your clothing and shit!" |
| 132 | ** "Place one downstairs, so you don't have to shit on the stairs!" |
| 133 | ** "Or how about shitting in the kitchen, while you cook delicious sliders! Moms, you're gonna love it!" |
| 134 | ** "The Big City Toilet generates lots of suds, and always rinses your ass clean!" |
| 135 | ** "The Big City Toilet also generates compost, so you can plant a beautiful garden with your shit!" |
| 136 | ** "What do you do when you gotta shit in your car? Up until now, you either had to [[{{Squick}} shit in your glove box]], or drive around that way." |
| 137 | ** [[TheStinger "Order the damn toilet!"]] |
| 138 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdxRowVtVho Billy Mays Sells Zorbeez in a Bad Mood]]: |
| 139 | ** Any time "shit" is mixed into a sentence. |
| 140 | ** "If you got shit-head children fucking shit up all over your house, then you gotta see this!" |
| 141 | ** "It has the strength and the muscle to kick your pansy ass!" |
| 142 | ** "Zorbeez attracts liquid like Billy Mays attracts YourMom!" |
| 143 | *** "Zorbeez attracts liquid like [[Creator/VinceOffer Vince]] [[TakeThat attacks hookers]]!" |
| 144 | ** "It doesn't matter! Whether it's coffee, soda, even red wine, watch as it's powerful vacuum action pulls and cleans the shit from out of the carpet! Just act quick!" ''([[DisastrousDemonstration lifts the towel, the stain is still there]])'' |
| 145 | ** "The secret's in the XXX fiber technology, making Zorbeez over 9000!" ''(SmashToBlack)''[[note]](Note that "over 9000" uses ManipulativeEditing rather than the ''Anime/DragonBallZ'' clip.)[[/note]] |
| 146 | *** "[[RunningGag Billy Mays!]]" |
| 147 | ** "Unlike sponges that smell, [[OurProductSucks Zorbeez is twenty-seven times more smelly than A REAL-LIVE SKUNK!"]] [[RunningGag ("Billy Mays!")]] |
| 148 | *** "And leaves a path of SKUNK urine!" |
| 149 | ** "Billy Mays uses up to eight-thousand-million rolls of paper towels every week [[ForTheEvulz to help ruin the environment!]]" |
| 150 | ** "But call right now or I'll put your dog in the rinse cycle!" |
| 151 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4JN-Ojg0UY Link forgot to]] {{Construct Additional|Pylons}} [[VideoGame/{{Starcraft}} Pylons]]: |
| 152 | ** |
| 153 | ---> '''Link:''' "Gee, there sure is not enough [[YouRequireMoreVespeneGas minerals]] around here." \ |
| 154 | '''Harkinian:''' "Mah boi, Vespene Gas is what all true warriors strive for!" |
| 155 | ** The argument over whether to build Carriers or Pylons. |
| 156 | ** "Enough! My carrier sails in the morning. Link, you must construct additional Pylons, or else we will die." |
| 157 | ** |
| 158 | ---> '''Ganon:''' "I see you're enjoying these Carriers, but you're not doing your Carriers any favors!" \ |
| 159 | '''Harkinian:''' "Really? Why not?" \ |
| 160 | '''Ganon:''' "[[TheReasonYouSuckSpeech You did not construct additional Pylons!]]" \ |
| 161 | '''Zelda:''' "Link, you did not construct additional Pylons!" \ |
| 162 | '''Link:''' "[[OhCrap Oh sh]][bleep!]" \ |
| 163 | '''Harkinian:''' "Link! [[BigNo NOOOOOO!!]] [[WhatTheHellHero YOU'VE KILLED US ALL!]]" \ |
| 164 | ''(Hyrule's defeat is then represented by the climax of a real-life [=StarCraft=] match.)'' \ |
| 165 | '''Ganon:''' "I won!" |
| 166 | ** [[TheStinger "You must scrub this nuclear spaghetti!"]] |
| 167 | |
| 168 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0Gl5H__tHg Jack Off 2000]] |
| 169 | ** "The thing with this game is that it calls on you to jack off in the name of a cybergang called The Brotherhood. You get points for jacking off." |
| 170 | ** "In Jack Off 2000, jacking off gets you 20,000 prostitutes." |
| 171 | ** "[[WesternAnimation/SouthPark If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit!]]" |
| 172 | ** "Those Columbine guys; everyone thinks they whacked off because they played video games, but I think they must have whacked off already." |
| 173 | ** "How long have you been a [[PedoHunt child molester]], Dr. Warren?" "24 years." "And you've studied the effects of jacking off [[CrossesTheLineTwice on children]] for--" "The past 10 years." |
| 174 | ** "[[BrickJoke The sausage rape took place in the middle of the 7th inning as usual, but there are questions about whether what happened during the rape could be considered assault.]]" |
| 175 | |
| 176 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f53o1IS3kQM Darla Haun Cooks a Steak Using Her Vagina]] |
| 177 | ** "Are my eyes deceiving me, or am I looking at your vagina?" |
| 178 | *** "This is the cook!" "That's disgusting!" |
| 179 | ** "This is the My Cunt oven." |
| 180 | ** "My cunt actually makes the vegetables sweet and tender" |
| 181 | ** "You can't cook fries and fried chicken without [[OverlyLongGag OIOIOLOIOIOLOIOIOLOIOIOLOIOIOLOIOIOLOIOIOLOIOIOLOIOIOLOIOIOL]]" [[FunnyBackgroundEvent (WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY)]] |
| 182 | |
| 183 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEO8Q2T_a6w Billy Mays Gets a Free Happy Meal ]] |
| 184 | ** Billy headbanging to "[[Music/InsaneClownPosse Cowboys from Hell]]". |
| 185 | ** "Eat shit, Carla, I'm hungry." ''(hangs up)'' "Asshole!" |
| 186 | ** When Billy pulls up: |
| 187 | -->'''Billy''': [[CatchPhrase Hi, Billy Mays here]]! |
| 188 | -->'''Cashier''': ''({{beat}})'' Good morning, may I help you? |
| 189 | -->'''Billy''': Billy Mays here, [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]]! |
| 190 | -->'''Cashier''': Oh, hi! How are you? |
| 191 | -->'''Billy''': Shut the [[PrecisionFStrike fuck]] up and get me a Happy Meal! |
| 192 | ** "This is Billy Mays, and I'm pulling around to kick your ass!" |
| 193 | ** At the pay window: |
| 194 | --->'''Billy''': Do you take a hundred? |
| 195 | --->'''Cashier''': Yes. |
| 196 | --->''(Billy gives cashier a $100 bill and then takes it back)'' |
| 197 | --->'''Billy''': You shittin' me? |
| 198 | ** Billy calling an employee a bitch and throwing Kool-Aid in her face. |
| 199 | |
| 200 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mM4gW2pPD8o Big City Sliders Attack Your Family ]] |
| 201 | ** "You can double or triple stack 'em, and watch 'em attack your family!" |
| 202 | ** "Top with pickles, onions, ketchup or cheese, Big City Sliders are sure to cause agonizing discomfort!" |
| 203 | ** "Why am I shouting!? Big City Sliders just [[GroinAttack chopped my balls off]]!" |
| 204 | ** "Call right now and we'll double this entire offer, just pay separate shipping. That's right, you get 80,000 Big City Sliders all for only $19.99. But I'm not done yet, call right now and I'll triple the offer and send you [[WritersCannotDoMath 47,000,000]] Big City Sliders all for only $19.99. You'll also receive Zorbeez, so you can clean your family's blood from out of the carpet!" |
| 205 | |
| 206 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bc9eQmgIRW0 Billy Mays Sells Cat Urine]] |
| 207 | ** Just the sheer absurdity of Billy Mays trying to sell the viewer ''cat urine'', claiming it to be "the most important product [he's] ever endorsed" and claiming it can be used to cure chickenpox and as a burger ingredient. |
| 208 | ** "Spray cat urine on a shower door, and [[CaptainObvious you'll have cat urine on a shower door!]] (beat) Cat urine, and the soap scum is gone!" |
| 209 | ** "But I'm not done yet! Call right now, and I'll triple the offer and send you gopher urine, a $20 value, free! All for just $19.99! Order right now!" |
| 210 | ** Billy shoving his face in a used litter box over and over in TheStinger. |
| 211 | |
| 212 | %% [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgl4JfywQqM Nicolas Cage is a Pedophile]] |
| 213 | [[/folder]] |
| 214 | |
| 215 | [[folder:The Return ([=marck3611=])]] |
| 216 | |
| 217 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCQg2V2CjcY Billy Mays - The Drunk Jack]] |
| 218 | ** "Has this ever happened to you? You're hammered on a Saturday night, driving home from the club with a sexy young lady in the front seat and two in the back. And you're trying to decide who gets to sit on your face first. You pull over and stop your car. But instead of hearing penetration, you hear this." (sirens) |
| 219 | ** "The Drunk Jack transmits Creator/BillyMays through the speakers in your car. Instead of hearing music, you hear Billy Mays, who will help you drive home. Drinking and driving is safe, and way more fun for your entire family. But in some bullshit states, it's illegal. ''(cue [[FreezeFrameBonus map of the U.S. with every state labelled as a bullshit state]])'' What the fuck? [[TheUnfettered But in my car I say fuck it, it's legal.]]" |
| 220 | *** The map's lack of visibility of Rhode Island led to a bunch of people commenting on the legality of drunk diving in the state. |
| 221 | ** "With the Drunk Jack, you'll finally be saying… (''slurred and slowed down'') Taaaaaaake a loooooook at Biiiiiiilly Maaaaaaays…" |
| 222 | ** "Here's how it works: Billy Mays surrounds you with driving instructions so you don't have to think clearly or even keep your eyes on the road. Lemme show you." |
| 223 | *** "Turn right. Your other right, dumbass!" (''crash'') "[[WesternAnimation/SpongeBobSquarePants MY LEG!]]" "[[BlatantLies That's the sound of safety!]]" |
| 224 | ** "And if you're still having problems with the cops, don't get frustrated, because if the Drunk Jack sees any danger, it'll explode your car. Watch this." "Sir, have you been drinking tonight?" "[[PreMortemOneLiner Time for some barbecue bacon!]]" (''boom'') "It's that easy." |
| 225 | ** "Call right now and we'll include a bottle of our amazing 175 proof whiskey. You'll get completely shit-hammered instantly. Just jack it and drink it. But it gets even better. You'll also receive access to Billy Mays' amazing magic drug stash. I have some prescriptions but it's mostly cocaine!" |
| 226 | ** "You get it all: the Drunk Jack, the whiskey, the drugs, all for just $19.99. But to make this the best deal on TV, it's yours for two easy payments of free. That's right, free, because I'm still high." |
| 227 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ruUhbaxLtE Billy Mays and the Ravages of Orange Glo]] |
| 228 | ** "The following is an orange." ([[CallBack ORANGES NOT INCLUDED]]) |
| 229 | ** The Narrator [[{{Understatement}} is not fond of Anthony Sullivan]]: |
| 230 | --->'''Narrator''': [[TakeThatAudience We wanted to damage and fuck your flooring.]] Finally, there's one solution for your flooring. The Orange Glo-- |
| 231 | --->'''Anthony Sullivan''': Hi, Anthony Sullivan here for the— |
| 232 | --->'''Narrator''': [[TakeThat Fuck off, Anthony, you fucking dork.]] |
| 233 | --->'''Anthony''': Just aim and spray— |
| 234 | --->'''Narrator''': [[TheReasonYouSuckSpeech No one likes you, not even other British people.]] We want Creator/BillyMays. But first, let's fuck our host, Sheli Sanders. |
| 235 | ** "If you're one of the millions of people out there on their hands and knees, '''[[SlasherSmile welcome to Hell]]!'''" |
| 236 | ** "There's a new system that cleans with gorgeous results you won't believe! It's called... [[BoringButPractical the mop]]." |
| 237 | ** And then the time comes for the man of the hour, [[ThisIsGonnaSuck and the tone is established immediately]]: |
| 238 | --->'''Sheli''': Welcome back. Rather than just me trying to fuck myself, I decided to invite the master fuck machine, Billy Mays. |
| 239 | --->'''Billy Mays''': (''bursts through door'') HI, BILLY MAYS HERE! Great to see you, [[AccidentalMisnaming Carla,]] it's — |
| 240 | --->'''[[InteractiveNarrator Narrator]]''': No, Billy, it's Sheli Sanders. |
| 241 | --->'''Billy''': [[CreatorsApathy Fuck it, it doesn't matter.]] [[MaliciousMisnaming Carla]], [[LogicBomb did you know the biggest investment you have in your home besides your home is your home?]] |
| 242 | --->'''Narrator''': [[LampshadeHanging Billy, that makes no fucking sense.]] If you're plastered again, you're fucking fired. |
| 243 | --->'''Billy''': [[LoopholeAbuse It doesn't matter, because I was paid yesterday!]] |
| 244 | --->'''Narrator''': '''God damn it!''' |
| 245 | ** Some advice from Billy results in the Narrator [[ItMakesSenseInContext reaffirming his hatred for Anthony Sullivan]]: |
| 246 | --->'''Billy''': Remember this, Sheli. [[RhymesOnADime If you want your floors to blow, get Orange Glo. But if you want your floor to rock, then you gotta suck Billy Mays' cock!]] |
| 247 | --->'''Narrator''': [[StatingTheSimpleSolution That is a lie. Just use a mop.]] |
| 248 | --->'''Anthony''': [[TemptingFate Hi, Anthony Sullivan here, for the Smart Mop-]] |
| 249 | --->'''Narrator''': (talking over Anthony) ''[[DrivenToSuicide I'm really going to kill myself.]]'' |
| 250 | ** Billy and Carla dimming the lights to have sex, prompting the narrator to butt in with "Damn it, you two. We paid you to advertise Orange Glo, not Ass Glo." |
| 251 | ** Turning on the black light to show the "soap" left on the floor. |
| 252 | ** "When I first saw the Orange Glo floor care system, I thought to myself, 'Sista, please!'" |
| 253 | ** "Now I'm gonna squirt a little Orange Glo up my ass." ''[[[RelaxOVision color bars]]]'' "Look at this; now it's clean enough to [[{{Squick}} eat from out of the asshole.]]" |
| 254 | ** "So Carla, step number one is to take the Orange Glo and the hardwood floor refinisher. Step number two is to throw them out. Step number three, is to show everybody your boobs!" "I'd love to!" |
| 255 | ** "Billy went out to fuck this other MILF." |
| 256 | --->'''Billy''': Carla number two, can you get down on your hands and knees and—actually, your children should not see this. Can we bring down the lights again? |
| 257 | ** "Oh yeah! [[VideoGame/PokemonRedAndBlue Squirtle]]!" |
| 258 | ** "Mike Hell, the owner of Hell, whose mission is to provide unaffordable refurbished homes and [[CorruptCorporateExecutive expensive mortgages for financially disadvantaged families.]]" |
| 259 | ** "[[RunningGag A rundown, 80-year-old bungalow.]]" |
| 260 | ** "Now, if you want to unfuck your home, you must get a second mortgage." |
| 261 | ** Eventually, Billy's alcoholism reaches new lows: |
| 262 | --->'''Billy''': Carla, I can't remember why we have this Plexiglas. ''(offscreen crash; cut to Billy holding a prop)'' And what the fuck is this? I'm gonna take a shit... |
| 263 | --->'''Narrator''': Go home, Billy, you're drunk. |
| 264 | --->'''Billy''': No, fuck you, narrator. |
| 265 | --->'''Narrator''': I bet $5,000,000 that you cannot even use that sander without falling on your stupid fat ass. |
| 266 | --->'''Billy''': [[TemptingFate No problem, asshole. Watch this.]] (''uses sander'') Did ya get that, camera guy? [[SurprisinglyRealisticOutcome (''slips'') Shit. Mother fucker.]] |
| 267 | --->'''Narrator''': You stupid ass. |
| 268 | --->'''Anthony''': [[RuleOfThree Hi, Anthony Sullivan here for the...]] |
| 269 | --->'''Narrator''': [[PrecisionFStrike Oh, for Fuck's sake]]! |
| 270 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCnZI14_-J0 Hulk Hogan's Brother has a 24 Inch Python]] |
| 271 | ** MMMMMMMM! |
| 272 | ** "I'm Hulk Hogan's brother, Ho-Ho-Hogan. And a shout-out to all my ho-ho-homos!" |
| 273 | ** "To be on the New England weird strap-on Patriot Team, you have to have dick cancer!" |
| 274 | ** [[ClusterFBomb "I say fuck Florida! Fuck Notre Dame! Fuck tuna fish! Fuck Spain! Fuck North Carolina! Fuck Kentucky! Fuck The Orchid Valley Community Church! Fuck the UK! And really fuck Hulk Hogan!"]] |
| 275 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYNhB0R-bIQ Billy Mays sells everything and nothing]] |
| 276 | ** "Hi, Billy Mays here for IT DOESN'T MATTER!" |
| 277 | ** "Billy Mays can sell ice in a snowstorm. Billy Mays can sell shit in the sewer. So hold your dick steady, and get your credit card ready, because here I go!" |
| 278 | ** The RunningGag of Billy advertising random items on Amazon (all of which [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer actually exist]]), from a banana slicer to sex toys to a book on castration. |
| 279 | ** "Stop wiping your shit like a racist and bring diversity to your ass." (cue crossed-out white toilet paper roll with [[TheKlan Klansman hood]]) |
| 280 | ** "Do you have a drawer full of cat fur but don't know what to do with it?" |
| 281 | ** "Here's Old Faithful." |
| 282 | ** "This is a [[BeeBeeGun bee bazooka!]]" (''shoots bees into [[Film/TheWickerMan2006 Edward Malus]]' eyes'') |
| 283 | ** "Wow-ooow-wow! It's professional snowMAN, Iikka Backstrom!" "And let's not forget the [[VisualPun BOA LACING SYSTEM!]]" |
| 284 | ** "Hi, Billy Mays here for the CB 6000 male chastity device! But you already have a male chastity device! It's called [[VideoGame/TheLegendOfZeldaCDIGames your face]]." |
| 285 | ** [[HurricaneOfPuns "But as a special bonus, we'll double the offer and give you two cans of toucans. Call now and we'll also give your toucans CAT scans absolutely free. But to make this the best deal on TV, we'll feed your toucans three cans of pecans."]] |
| 286 | ** "Hi, Big Billy Mays here for Beats by Dre; just pull the trigger, and walk away. Its patented '''''[[JumpScare BILLY MAYS TECHNOLOGY]]''''' delivers '''''BILLY MAYS''''' where you need it most: the eardrum and cochlea." |
| 287 | ** ''[in front of the Amazon page for the No Cussing Club book]'' [[ClusterFBomb "Cock. Dick. Cock. Suck. Rape. Bitch. Faggot. Crap."]] |
| 288 | ** "You know what? [[Wrestling/KurtAngle You suck."]] |
| 289 | ** "Hi, Billy Mays here for nothing! That's right, you get nothing, and you're gonna love it! And if you're not completely satisfied, I'll [[ToiletHumor shit into your mouth.]] But I'm not done yet! Call right now and I'll triple the nothing." |
| 290 | ** Why am I smashing my hand with this hammer? Why am I smashing my car with this hammer? Why am I smashing my table with this beautiful wood? [[OverlyLongGag Why am I smashing this 6000 pound car with this bug bazooka?]] To show you how [[AbusiveAdvertising I'm gonna smash you, your family,]] [[AndYourLittleDogToo and even your dog]], if you don't pay a fortune to me for whatever I'm selling! |
| 291 | ** "But I'm still not done! Hi, Billy Mays here for Billy Mays, [[MediumAwareness the world's greatest YouTube Poop source!]] Ordinary sources are a sentence mixing mess. With Billy Mays, you just take a sentence, insert the word 'cock', and you're ready to go." "[[StylisticSuck Hi Billy COCK here for the Big City COCK Station!]]" |
| 292 | *** "Billy Mays also has built-in EarRape because I'm always shouting! So don't get frustrated if your [=YouTube Poop=] sucks; just use Billy Mays, you giant dumbfuck!" |
| 293 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgbU_8Fxv6k Dr. Rabbit - Thy Kingdom Come]] |
| 294 | ** "The tyranny of the humans over the rabbits is about to be no more! I am going to take over the world and teach the humans how to properly bow down to their new overlord, Dr. Rabbit!" |
| 295 | ** "Next stop, the Middle East!" [[MoodWhiplash *Cut to a violent Middle Eastern riot, complete with machine guns and molotov cocktails*]] |
| 296 | ** "Hello there! I am Dr. Rabbit, [[BlasphemousBoast I am your new Allah]], [[AGodAmI you will worship me from now on!]]" |
| 297 | ** The conversation once he reaches China: |
| 298 | --->'''Dr. Rabbit:''' The Great Wall is weak shit! |
| 299 | --->'''Shao:''' It has protected my people for thousands of years. |
| 300 | --->'''Dr. Rabbit:''' Not anymore! |
| 301 | --->'''Shao:''' Huh!? |
| 302 | ---> *rocket destroys the Great Wall* |
| 303 | --->'''Shao:''' Oh... |
| 304 | ** [[Creator/{{NicolasCage}} GODDAMN BUNNY!]] |
| 305 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZ_RaA4_EQU The Big City Toilet, Part 3]] |
| 306 | ** "Has this ever happened to you? You're on the road, far from home, and you can't make your favorite [=YouTube=] Poops because you only have your laptop. Don't get frustrated, get Windows Movie Maker! Then get frustrated, because [[TakeThat Windows Movie Maker sucks balls. This shit should be illegal!]]" |
| 307 | *** [[MythologyGag The actual segment is then revealed to have actually been made in Windows Movie Maker]]. |
| 308 | ** "We've sold 2 trillion of the original Big City Toilet. That is impressive." |
| 309 | ** "It has the strength to hold up to 150 times as much shit as the original Big City Toilet! And because it's only half the size of the original, you can shit in that impossible to reach area, like when you're hiding under a child's bed! Or how about shitting in a busy museum while you enjoy the beautiful art? Museums are gonna love it!" |
| 310 | ** The mere notion of a [[Creator/{{cs188}} Shit]] [[ShoutOut Bazooka]]. |
| 311 | ** "Call now and we'll also include the Shit Switch. Are you having problems shitting? Of course you do. Do you find yourself sitting on the toilet, but no shit comes out of your hole? Never fear, the Shit Switch is here! It's the ultimate tool for when your ass is full. Mount it on your ass and your shit will pass when you flick the switch." |
| 312 | ** "But I'm not done yet! Order right now and we'll send you Shit Shine! Now you can add bling to your shit and make it shine like new. Shit Shine's effervescent action revitalizes your shit and restores its natural shit luster." |
| 313 | ** "Proudly display all your shit worldwide in famous museums and sports halls. [[BlatantLies Famous museums and sports halls are gonna love it!]]" |
| 314 | ** "But I'm not done yet. Call right now and I'll make this the best deal on TV and send up to 100 cobras to attack you, and 47 million cobras to attack your entire family!" |
| 315 | ** "You can even shit in a [[CallBack rundown, 80-year-old bungalow]]." |
| 316 | ** "[[TheStinger Are cobras too high?]]" |
| 317 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5h7t95QVPQ Jesse Ventura - Conthiracy Speory]] |
| 318 | ** "I'm Film/AceVentura, and I've been [[BestialityIsDepraved blowing seals.]]" |
| 319 | ** "I'm Jesse [=VenturrJ=], and this is ''[[TitleDrop Conthiracy Speory]]''. And this is ''Conspiracy Theory''. And this is ''[[RuleOfThree Conspiracy Siri]]''." |
| 320 | --->'''Siri''': 9/11 was an inside job. Bigfoot is real. The Jews did this. |
| 321 | ** "Coming up, Jesse Ventura is violating the Geneva Conventions. Then, mutant Nazis violate Jesse Ventura." |
| 322 | *** "Coming up, Jesse Ventura races to Mutant Island with the Nazis in hot pursuit." |
| 323 | ** "Long Island is gay." |
| 324 | *** "Randy, in your opinion, what should be done with Long Island?" "If it wasn't so close to the east coast, they 'oughta nuke it." |
| 325 | |
| 326 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpyqcK4zh_I Anthony Sullivan Redeems Himself]] |
| 327 | ** "Do you love fresh rusty pineapple?" |
| 328 | ** "Anthony Sullivan here! [[CrossesTheLineTwice Allāhu akbar]]!" ''[boom]'' |
| 329 | ** "Did you ever try to take a shit, and wound up voted Canada's best new laundry stain remover!" |
| 330 | ** "And as a bonus, I'll even shit into a pineapple." |
| 331 | ** "I know what you're thinking: what prevents an 800-pound grizzly bear from taking over your house? Nothing. You have a bear in your house. Call 911." |
| 332 | ** "We put Anthony Sullivan to the ultimate strength test!" ''[cue TrainingMontage with "[[Film/RockyIV No Easy Way Out]]"]'' |
| 333 | ** "Hi, Anthony Sullivan here. I'm a cat now. I'm so beautiful." |
| 334 | ** "We took your credit card and ordered this $300,000 car! Suck it!" |
| 335 | ** Anthony has his hand run over by a car (with Impact Gel) to which the Narrator from "Billy Mays and the Ravishes of Orange Glo" replies: |
| 336 | --->'''Narrator''': You're still a faggot, Anthony. |
| 337 | |
| 338 | |
| 339 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOcor-MFztQ Elsa Sinks the Titanic]] |
| 340 | |
| 341 | -->("[[WesternAnimation/Frozen2013 Frozen Heart]]" starts playing'') |
| 342 | -->'''Elsa''': ♪Noooooo one likes this soooooong~♪ |
| 343 | ** |
| 344 | --->'''Anna''': Do you wanna build a sno- |
| 345 | --->'''Elsa''': Nooo let me sleep! |
| 346 | ** "I recommend we remove the head." "Do what you must." (GoryDiscretionShot, chainsaw sounds) |
| 347 | ** "Pikachu!" |
| 348 | ** "A picture of a fist!" |
| 349 | ** "I can't wait to meet everyone. *gasp* What if I meet ''the'' '''EVERYONE?'''" |
| 350 | ** "Secret penis!" |
| 351 | ** "Twelve older brothers. Twelve of them pretended I was twelve, literally, for twelve years." |
| 352 | --> '''Hans''': Can I say something crazy? '''''TWELVE'''''. |
| 353 | -->'''Anna''': Can I say something crazier? Ableublueble! |
| 354 | ** "May I present [[VisualPun Prince Horse of the salad aisle.]]" |
| 355 | ** "Snowglobes on the mountain tonight, and it looks like I'm a seal." |
| 356 | ** "[[ShapedLikeItself The wind is howling like this howling wind."]] |
| 357 | ** "[[Film/{{Titanic1997}} I'll never let go, I promise.]]" "♪Let it go, let it go, your fucking boat is gone…♪" |
| 358 | ** Creator/BillyMays running the trading post. |
| 359 | --->'''Billy''': You get all this, a huge value, for just 19.99! |
| 360 | --->'''Kristoff''': No, ten. |
| 361 | --->'''Billy''': 19.99, bitch! |
| 362 | --->'''Kristoff''': Ten's all I got. Help me out. |
| 363 | --->'''Billy''': Go fuck yourself! |
| 364 | --->'''Anna''': Hey just tell me one thing... |
| 365 | --->'''Kristoff''': Back up, while I deal with this crook here. |
| 366 | --->'''Billy''': (holding a gun) THIS IS A BAZOOKA! (blows up the store) |
| 367 | ** *♪You'll never see me cry… okay, I lied♪" |
| 368 | |
| 369 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkgFlST4o9M Gaston Has Nazi Biceps]] |
| 370 | ** |
| 371 | ---->'''Narrator''': A young lad ate 4 dozen eggs every morning to help him get large. But then he got heart disease. |
| 372 | -->'''Gaston''': AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! |
| 373 | ** |
| 374 | --->'''[[WesternAnimation/BeautyAndTheBeast Gaston]]''': I know, it's true, Lefou. And I've got my sights set on that one. |
| 375 | ---> '''Lefou''': The inventor's daughter? |
| 376 | ---> '''Gaston''': No, that one. |
| 377 | ---> '''Lefou''': [[WesternAnimation/TheLionKing1994 Mufasa]]? |
| 378 | ---> (''cut to the opening of'' WesternAnimation/{{The Lion King|1994}} ''with Gaston on Pride Rock'') |
| 379 | ---> '''Mufasa''': Oh shit, it's Gaston! |
| 380 | ---> (''Gaston shoots Mufasa'') |
| 381 | ---> '''Gaston''': I use antlers in all of my decorating! (''shows Mufasa's head on the wall with antlers attached to it'') |
| 382 | ** Gaston licking Belle's face in a scene reminiscent of ''{{Film/Aliens}}''. |
| 383 | ** The six or seven Gastons entering Belle's house. |
| 384 | ** "Gaston, you are HIV positive." |
| 385 | ---> '''Gaston:''' [[BigNo NOOOOOOO!]] |
| 386 | ** "Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Gaston, when taking a dump." ''(cut to Lefou using the restroom while Gaston appears out of the shower with his shirt open'') |
| 387 | *** "Hair!" |
| 388 | ** "Who does she think she is? That girl thinks she is the wrong man! No one thinks Gaston thinks she thinks she is who she thinks she is!" |
| 389 | ** "So I'm roughly the size of a [[ShapedLikeItself Gaston.]]" |
| 390 | |
| 391 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfItTq6Q_Co The Third Wave of Feminist]] |
| 392 | ** "Nobody told me to expect it: painful unexpected intercourse with Creator/BillyMays." ("'''HI!'''") "No one told me to expect [[BiggerIsBetterInBed nineteen inches]]." |
| 393 | ** "So let's [[GroinAttack kick you in your vagina.]]" |
| 394 | ** "Premarin vaginal cream can give you vaginitis ... vaginitis ... '''''[[JumpScare VAGINITIS]]'''''" |
| 395 | ** The recurring CutawayGag involving the "Ridin' on a Turtle" song. |
| 396 | ** "Use it on pipes and faucets for a permanent seal. [[RepeatCut A permanent seal.]]" ''[[[VisualPun cue a graphic of a seal in the corner for the rest of the poop]]]'' |
| 397 | ** "It provides breast cancer and [[PregnancyScare makes you think you're pregnant]]. [[CrossesTheLineTwice Breast cancer is the best cancer.]] Don't use it if you are allergic to cancer." |
| 398 | ** ''[cue upside-down version of the Ridin' on a Turtle clip]'' "[[FreakyFridayFlip Turtle, ridin' on a seal! Ridin' on a seal!]]" |
| 399 | ** "Premarin vaginal cream treats vaginal changes due to vagina attacks and [[BestialityIsDepraved unusual intercourse with animals]]. Ask your doctor to help you stroke your vagina." |
| 400 | ** "[[RuleOfThree Turtle, ridin' on a turtle, ridin' on a turtle...]]" |
| 401 | ** "[[SideEffectsInclude Estrogens may increase your chances of getting vagina cancer, vagina strokes, vagina blood clogs, or vagina dementia.]] Side effects may include: you will fucking die, and [[ArsonMurderAndJayWalking severe vaginal bleeding]]. Your vagina will bleed so much everyone will call it the Red Sea. [[TakeThat Estrogen should not be used. Don't use it.]] [[ShapedLikeItself Cancer may increase your chances of getting cancer. Heart attack may cause heart problems]]. Ask your doctor if you are allergic to vagina." |
| 402 | ** ''[cue [[CallBack that other turtle clip]]]'' "Ridin' on a turtle, ridin' on a turtle..." |
| 403 | |
| 404 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UiSwRwh5r8g Smothers, Dick]] |
| 405 | ** Firstly, [[CallBack the "Permanent seal" from "The Third Wave of Feminist" is still there]]. |
| 406 | ** Secondly, the ''whole thing''. |
| 407 | ** "Now, my dick is gone! And my piece-of-shit brother is out back fucking your mother's corpse." |
| 408 | |
| 409 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9txaAx1LE2I 7 Fast 7 Furious]] |
| 410 | ** "They say if you want a glimpse of my ass... just look behind me. Shmaumsh." |
| 411 | ** "[[GrenadeTag Here, hold this]]." (Pushes the guy onto a chair, only to bounce back) "[[OhCrap Shit]]." *BOOM* |
| 412 | ** "Keep it under 9000 [=RPMs.=] Keep it '''[[Anime/DragonBallZ OVER]]''' 9000 [=RPMs.=]" |
| 413 | ** "Buddy, where's the door button at? You know?" ''[[[StuffBlowingUp boom]]]'' |
| 414 | ** Dominic tries to comfort Letty. |
| 415 | ---> '''Letty''': I've got nothin'. |
| 416 | ---> '''Dominic''': You've got me. |
| 417 | ---> '''Letty''': I've got nothin'. |
| 418 | ** This [[OverlyLongGag long-winded exchange.]] |
| 419 | --->'''Hobbs''': You just earned yourself a dance with the devil, boy. |
| 420 | --->'''Shaw''': Just one sec! |
| 421 | --->'''Hobbs''': You just earned yourself a dance with the IT guy, boy. |
| 422 | --->'''Shaw''': Just one sec! |
| 423 | --->'''Hobbs''': [[RuleOfThree You just earned yourself]] ''Film/DancesWithWolves'', boy. |
| 424 | --->'''Shaw''': Just one sec! |
| 425 | --->'''Hobbs''': [[PreAssKickingOneLiner You just earned yourself a dance with my fist, boy.]] |
| 426 | --->'''Shaw''': Just one se-- ''[is PunchedAcrossTheRoom]'' |
| 427 | ** "[[GroinAttack Fuck, my dick]]!" |
| 428 | ** "[[ValuesDissonance Mr. Krabs, we don't serve negroes!]]" |
| 429 | ---> '''Hobbs''': Nah I'm sorry, ''fuck'' [[WesternAnimation/SpongeBobSquarePants SpongeBob]]. |
| 430 | ** "Dominic Toretto." "Think again." "Dominic Toretto." "No, this is Wrestling/JesseVentura." "Dominic Toretto." "No, you have the wrong fucking number." |
| 431 | *** "Dominic Toretto." "Yeah?" "You don't know--" ("Where's the door button at?" ''[[[RunningGag boom]]]'') "[=Shmaumsh=]." |
| 432 | *** "[[VisualPun Dominos]]." "Yeah?" |
| 433 | ** "Me? I'm, I'm just a guy. I'm... Mr. Guy." |
| 434 | ** "I hope you're enjoying your '''[[VideoGame/HotelMario SPAGHETTI]]'''." |
| 435 | ** "$3.4 million dollars, 0 to 60 in less than 3.4 million seconds, 0 to 3.4 million in less than 3 seconds. There's .4 of these things in the world and this guy keeps it locked up in a vault." |
| 436 | ** |
| 437 | ---> '''Letty''': Hey, did you bring the cavalry? |
| 438 | ---> '''Hobbs''': Woman, I am the IT guy. |
| 439 | ** "We're still being hacked." "What?" "We're still being hacked." "[[BigWhat WHAT!?]]" "[[RuleOfThree We're still being hacked.]]" "[[PrecisionFStrike SHIT!]]" "[[OverlyLongGag We're still being hacked.]]" |
| 440 | *** "[[{{Spoonerism}} It seems our endship is at a friend]]." |
| 441 | ** "[[RunningGag You just earned yourself a]] [[UnusualEuphemism dance with my dick]], [[VideoGame/TheLegendOfZeldaCDIGames boi]]." |
| 442 | *** "[[RunningGag Shmaumsh]]." "[[RunningGag You just earned yourself a dance with 38 feet of concrete and steel, boy]]." |
| 443 | ** "[[Film/RockyIV If you die, you die]]." |
| 444 | ** And right at the end: |
| 445 | *** "[[RunningGag Where's the door button at?]]" ''[[[Creator/PaulWalker Brian O'Connor]]'s car [[DudeNotFunny explodes]]]'' |
| 446 | ** And yes, the [[CallBack "Permanent seal"]] ''is still there''. |
| 447 | [[/folder]] |
| 448 | |
| 449 | [[folder:The second return (marke3611)]] |
| 450 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rdSfCR8UKU Anthony Sullivan's Apple Pie]] |
| 451 | ** "Hi, Anthony Sullivan here with offensive videos." ''[cue the ending of "7 Fast 7 Furious" and a [=YouTube=] account suspension email]'' |
| 452 | ** "Every day, you live with the risk of-- ''Anthony Sullivan!'' -- breaking into your home!" |
| 453 | *** "It's easier than you think." ''[smash]'' ([[CallBack "Burnt-on cheese!"]]) |
| 454 | ** "Hi, Anthony Sullivan here for the Anthony Sullivan Alarm! A 90-decibel alarm will go off as soon as the window's open. The problem is [[HellIsThatNoise you can't turn them off.]]" |
| 455 | *** "But order right now and I won't just double the value, I'll [[SensoryAbuse double the volume!]]" ''[cue an even louder alarm noise]'' "[[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking And it's great for lobsters too.]]" |
| 456 | ** "Ever bring food to work or school, but when its break time, your school gets vanished? '''''[[RunningGag GET EXCITED!]]''''' Fuck school!" |
| 457 | ** "94% of women prefer to be trapped in a confined area with Anthony Sullivan!" |
| 458 | ** "94% of women would rather die in a camel accident than [[FateWorseThanDeath go on a date with you.]] [[ReasonYouSuckSpeech The problem is, you're stinky, uninteresting, and fat. You're ugly on the outside and shit on the inside.]] But here's where it gets even better! ...just kidding. It never gets better." |
| 459 | ** "Did getting off to Anthony Sullivan make you late again? Well, now you can finish in half the time with Anthony Sullivan Cam: it's the only camera that's pre-loaded with Anthony Sullivan dick pics, and a 45-second video of Anthony Sullivan [[CargoShip having sex with a pineapple!]]" ''[color bars]'' |
| 460 | *** "Watch me get deep into--" ''[[[ThinkOfTheCensors cue YouTube account suspension email]]]'' |
| 461 | ** "Hi, [[VisualPun Ant Sullivan]] here!" |
| 462 | ** "Let [[CallBack Pacific Pools & Spas piss in your pool.]]" |
| 463 | ** "We all love homemade soups and sauces, but if you happen to step away, you could end up burning your food!" |
| 464 | --->'''Anthony''': What the shit? How the fuck did you burn soup? |
| 465 | --->''[beat]'' |
| 466 | --->'''Edward Malus''': '''''[[CallBack HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!]]''''' |
| 467 | ** "Apples for apple pie. [[OverlyLongGag Carrots for apple pie. Onions for apple pie. Potatoes for apple pie. Tomatoes for apple pie.]]" |
| 468 | ** "If you like watching Japanese porn, make sure you hit the like button. And if you like watching German porn, make sure you hit the dislike button. [[RuleOfThree And if you like watching American porn]], make sure you follow me on Twitter. And if you like watching British porn, remember to subscribe to my [=OnlyFans=]." |
| 469 | ** Yes, the permanent seal is still there. |
| 470 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szynNo3WGmE Resident Helicopter]] |
| 471 | ** "Alpha team is flying around the forest zones situated in northwest Raccoon City, where we're searching for Raccoon City. [[NoSenseOfDirection We don't know where Raccoon City is]]." |
| 472 | ** Raccoon City is running rampant with murder cases, with families being [[BlackComedyRape raped by helicopter gangs]] and then eaten alive by [[IAmAHumanitarian Albert Wesker]]. |
| 473 | *** Despite his crimes, Wesker is still a member of STARS and treated more like an annoyance by his team members. |
| 474 | ** The STARS helicopter is forced to crashland due to Barry's [[ToiletHumour uncontrollable flatulence]]. |
| 475 | --->'''Jill:''' I didn't know ''that'' was going to happen.\ |
| 476 | '''Barry:''' Sorry. I was careless.\ |
| 477 | '''Wesker:''' Go to hell, Barry! |
| 478 | ** "It was Bravo Team's helicopter. It was apparently eaten, but strangely, most of the equipment was in [[AssShove Captain Wesker's ass]]." |
| 479 | ** Joseph gets mauled by a rabid dog, which later on turns out to be [[KillerRabbit an adorable little puppy]]. |
| 480 | -->'''Barry:''' It looks like he was killed by [[EntertaininglyWrong a crow, or something]].\ |
| 481 | '''Jill:''' Barry…\ |
| 482 | '''Barry:''' Hope this is not Chris's blood.\ |
| 483 | '''Jill:''' Barry! |
| 484 | ** Like in the original, the team's helicopter flies away, prompting Chris to shout "No, don't go!" In this case, the pilot decides to troll the team and flies back and forth, with Chris [[RapidFireNo continuing to shout "No!"]] |
| 485 | *** Chris pulls out a [[Franchise/{{Pokemon}} Pokéball]] and summons a helicopter of his own. |
| 486 | --->''GO! HELICOPTER!''\ |
| 487 | ''HELICOPTER used FLY!''\ |
| 488 | '''Chris:''' No! Don't go!\ |
| 489 | ''HELICOPTER ran from battle!'' |
| 490 | ** "There are [[RunningGag NO]] STARS members left now." |
| 491 | ** There are two attempts to introducing the cast roll call: the first shows the 'no' symbol, the second arranges the word "cast" to spell "cats" and then fills the screen with actual cats. [[BigNo Chris's reaction should be expected by this point]]. |
| 492 | ** "There are only three STARS members left now: Captain Bizarre, Jill, and myself. [[ImmediateSelfContradiction There are only about]] [[ExpendableClone ten Barrys left now]]." |
| 493 | *** As the third attempt at a cast roll call (which now arranges the letters of "cast" to spell "[[ToiletHumour scat]]") shows, Barry's intro is filled with nine clones of himself. [[{{Gasshole}} And then he farts again]]. |
| 494 | ** The roll call announcer barely gives Rebecca Chambers screen time before moving over to the next member. |
| 495 | ** Chris [[SayMyName screams Wesker's name]] over his intro. |
| 496 | *** The camera is fixated on Wesker slowly grooming his hair while the drum fill of the background music [[SensoryAbuse gradually ramps up in volume]]. |
| 497 | ** Chris's bloodtype is listed as "[[ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin Chris's]] [[Memes/ResidentEvil blood]]". |
| 498 | --->'''Chris:''' ''([[SmokingIsCool lights up a cigarette]])''\ |
| 499 | '''Announcer:''' Cancer.\ |
| 500 | '''Chris:''' [[RunningGag No!]] |
| 501 | ** Jill Valentine's intro is up last. |
| 502 | --->'''Announcer:''' [[DroppedABridgeOnHer Kill Valentine]].\ |
| 503 | '''Jill:''' [[KilledMidSentence Hey, what's going on]]-\ |
| 504 | ''(A [[VideoGame/ResidentEvil3Nemesis Drain Deimos]] proceeds to kill Jill while she [[VocalDissonance screams like a man]]. The camera immediately cuts to Jill [[UnexplainedRecovery no worse for wear]])''\ |
| 505 | '''Jill:''' [[DidNotSeeThatComing I didn't know]] ''[[DidNotSeeThatComing that]]'' [[DidNotSeeThatComing was going to happen]]. |
| 506 | ** [[RunningGagged This time, the permanent seal is not here, the reason being stated in the comments section]]. |
| 507 | --->'''Commenter:''' Where is the permanent seal? Is it safe? Is it all right?\ |
| 508 | '''[=Marke3611=]:''' [[BusCrash It was apparently eaten]]. |
| 509 | |
| 510 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKu0QsFrX-A Billy Mays is in Your Car]] |
| 511 | ** "When you pick up Billy Mays, you gotta obey everything I say, or Billy Mays will ruin your day! First, I'll leave a one-star review! Next, Sexual Frederic will cut your car in half!" (''(smash)'' '''"YAHOO!"''') "...and then please your mom!" ('''''"YAHOO!"''''') |
| 512 | *** "But I'm not done yet! Anthony Sullivan will then ship your car to Germany!" ("[[CallBack It's easier than you think!]]") "Just pay separate shipping and handling!" |
| 513 | ** (Sexual Frederic: Inventor of cutting cars in half) |
| 514 | ** "Now get in the back, [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]], it's Billy Time!" |
| 515 | ** Billy gets a phone call... |
| 516 | --->'''Billy Mays''': Hi, [[BlatantLies it's Anthony Sullivan!]] |
| 517 | --->'''Carla:''' Hey Billy-- |
| 518 | --->'''Billy Mays''': [[OhCrap ...shit]] |
| 519 | --->'''Carla:''' ...it's Carla, I need you over at the studio for a production meeting |
| 520 | --->'''Billy Mays''': No, I'm gonna go to the strip club. |
| 521 | --->'''Carla:''' Okay! |
| 522 | --->'''Billy Mays''': [[ChickMagnet Strippers attract Billy Mays like a magnet!]] |
| 523 | ** "I know what you're thinking, how can you get professional strippers to suck your cock like Billy Mays? The secret is [[MoneyDearBoy having lots of money]] and [[TheStoner blow]]!" |
| 524 | ** "As a Florida resident, I can talk and drive at over a hundred miles per hour, without any insurance!" ([[UnreadablyFastText This is how Florida actually works]]) "Don't let red lights and pedestrians slow you down, when you can run right over them with Billy Mays! Now that's the power--" ''[slam]'' "--of this 6,000 pound car! |
| 525 | *** "If this was your grandma, then you've gotta scrape them off the road, right now!" (This is how Florida actually works) |
| 526 | ** Billy gets another phone call... |
| 527 | --->'''Billy Mays''': : Hi, it's Frederic. |
| 528 | --->'''Carla:''' Hey Billy-- |
| 529 | --->'''Billy Mays''': ...shit |
| 530 | --->'''Carla:''' ... it's Carla, I ''still'' need you over at the studio for a production meeting |
| 531 | --->'''Billy Mays''': No, I'm gonna go get some food. |
| 532 | --->'''Carla:''' Okay! |
| 533 | --->'''Billy Mays''': [[BigEater Bacon attracts Billy Mays like a magnet!]] |
| 534 | ** "Hi, Billy Mays here! How are ya doin'? Can I get a sausage burrito?" "Sir, this is a bank." "[[ComicallyMissingThePoint Make that two sausage burritos!]]" |
| 535 | ** "I'm sorry, sir, [=McDonalds=] doesn't serve Fentanyl." "You shittin' me?" |
| 536 | ** "I'd like to order the Buy One Get 47 Million Free soft tacos, the Buy 47 Million Get One Free crunchy tacos, 80,000 bean burritos, 88.7 million Crunch Wrap Supremes, the cheesy turkey bowl, 8 million cinnamon twists, and 47 million more crunchy tacos." |
| 537 | ** Billy getting his [[OverlyLongGag extensive array of "medical" drugs from the pharmacy]] ([[RuleOfThree This is how Florida actually works]]) |
| 538 | ** And [[RuleOfThree once more...]] |
| 539 | --->'''Billy Mays''': Hi, it's ''[[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial not]]'' Billy! |
| 540 | --->'''Carla:''' Hey Billy-- |
| 541 | --->'''Billy Mays''': ...shit |
| 542 | --->'''Carla:''' ... it's Carla, I need you over at the studio-- |
| 543 | --->'''Billy Mays:''' Geez, oh man. Carla's annoying the fucking shit out of Billy Mays today... No more Carla... ''[blocks her on his phone]'' |
| 544 | ** Billy getting a call from Anthony Sullivan, only for it to be Carla ''again'', who threatens to kill Anthony if he doesn't go to the production meeting. [[note]][[RunningGag "It's easier than you think."]][[/note]] |
| 545 | ** When Billy finally goes to the production meeting,[[note]][[CallBack "VAGINITIS"]][[/note]] he is none-too pleased when an employee pitches a combination rake and oven. |
| 546 | --->'''Employee:''' So in conclusion, my idea: The Rake and Bake! |
| 547 | --->'''Billy Mays''': ...Are you fucking serious? That's the worst idea ever! Who is this dumbass, and why is he wasting Billy Mays' precious time? Unbelievable! I'm gonna rake your asshole and bake your balls for making me come into the office on a Friday for this bullshit! You're all fired! Where the fuck is Carla anyway? She's not even here at this fucking meeting! |
| 548 | ** "This is a real live AK-47!" |
| 549 | ** "Hi, Billy Mays here to share with you, the most important product I have ever endorsed: the Rake and Bake! The world's most efficient and powerful way to get '''HIGH''' while you work outside!" |
| 550 | ** "As a special bonus, we'll also include the Shoot 'N Scoop Shovel and the [[VisualPun Crack Hoe]], all for just $19.99!" ([[CallBack ORANGES NOT INCLUDED]]) |
| 551 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3h-uW0TTtqI Billy Mays - The Suicide Time Machine™]] |
| 552 | ** "The following program is a paid advertisement for Billy Mays International, suicide you can count on since 2008." ('''"[[JumpScare HI!]]"''') |
| 553 | ** "Hi, Billy Mays here for the Suicide Time Machine! From the creators of [[CallBack Suicide Putty, Suicide Ladder]], and the Suicide [[SmellySkunk Skunk]]!" ("OH MY GOD!") |
| 554 | ** "And you're also going to meet [[CallBack Frederic]], the inventor of the time machine, and he's actually going to attempt to die on live TV!" |
| 555 | --->'''Anthony''': So stay tuned! ''[record scratch]'' |
| 556 | --->'''Billy Mays''': Fuck off, Anthony Sullivan, [[ItsAllAboutMe this is my commercial!]] |
| 557 | --->'''Anthony''': Please Billy, let me stay, I promise I'll be good! |
| 558 | --->'''Billy Mays''': No flipping way! Get out. |
| 559 | --->'''Anthony''': Fine. My friend Billy Mays is a huge jerk! And I'll just go do a load of laundry with my own tears! |
| 560 | --->'''Billy Mays''': I'm not your friend! And the only tears you'll cry are tears of permanent virginity! |
| 561 | --->'''Anthony''': Fuck you, Billy Mays! |
| 562 | --->'''Billy Mays''': Fuck you, Anthony Sullivan! ''[beat, shove]'' Asshole! |
| 563 | ** "Founded in [[RepetitiveAudioGlitch 19-19-19-19-19]]" |
| 564 | ** The "ordinary methods" include the ''[[Series/{{Halo2022}} Halo]]'' TV series, Golden Corral, and an (800-pound?) grizzly bear. |
| 565 | ** "Here's how it works! Just travel back in time..." ''(Music/{{Creed|Band}}'s "Higher" starts playing)'' [[GrandfatherParadox then simply give your dad a vasectomy with a dull knife!]] Or if you don't know who your father is, you can give your whore mother an abortion before she shits you out into the world!" |
| 566 | --->''(guy shoots himself)'' |
| 567 | --->'''Billy Mays''': And look! It's like you were never there! |
| 568 | --->'''Parents''': [[Music/CreedBand Ha!]] |
| 569 | ** "Frederic? You shittin' me? Where the fuck is Frederic?" |
| 570 | --->'''Narrator''': Billy, we were just informed that Frederic already killed himself last night. |
| 571 | --->'''Billy Mays''': What the fuck?! That was supposed to be an amazing demonstration for the motherfucking commercial! |
| 572 | ** TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES PLEASE STAND BY ([[CallBack "Seal, ridin' on a turtle, ridin' on a turtle!"]]) |
| 573 | --->'''Billy Mays''': Hey Anthony Sullivan, you get to be in the commercial after all! |
| 574 | --->'''Anthony''': Awesome! What do you want me to do? |
| 575 | --->'''Billy Mays''': Get in the suicide machine and kill yourself right now! |
| 576 | --->'''Anthony''': ''[{{Beat}}]'' [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe No way! Fuck that! Fuck you, Billy!]] |
| 577 | --->'''Narrator''': Anthony, get your ass in time machine right now, or I will have you deported back to the UK. |
| 578 | --->'''Anthony''': I hate you both so much! |
| 579 | --->''[cut to Billy standing in front of the machine with Anthony inside]'' |
| 580 | --->'''Billy Mays''': Okay Anthony Sullivan, when I say 'die', start the time machine! Are you ready? |
| 581 | --->'''Anthony''': I'll have my revenge in the afterlife! |
| 582 | --->'''Billy Mays''': Okay! 3, 2, 1, die! |
| 583 | --->'''Anthony''': ''[screams as the time machine takes off]'' |
| 584 | --->'''Billy Mays''': Amazing! I can't even remember how much Anthony Sullivan sucks balls! Now that's the power of the Suicide Time Machine! |
| 585 | ** "The Suicide Time Machine is yours for only 2 payments of [[RunningGag $19-19-19-19-19-19]][[RunningGagStumbles -2]]-19.99! As a special bonus, your mom can do me, Billy Mays, absolutely free!" |
| 586 | --->'''Old man''': "[[{{Cuckold}} Yeah!]]" |
| 587 | ** "And tell them--a skunk [[NoodleIncident is difficult to remove]] from [[AssShove Billy's anus]]." ''[evil glare]'' "And tell them--" ''[cue clip of a Billy Mays commercial [[GratuitousGerman dubbed in German]]]'' |
| 588 | ** "[[TheStinger Have your boner ready and have sexy buttsex, now!]]" |
| 589 | |
| 590 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zfj1Wz2eGts Clager Jaede]] |
| 591 | --> I recently watched an obscure cartoon titled ''WesternAnimation/StrangeWorld” by Walt Disney Animation Studios. Though I didn’t hate the film, the relationship between the main characters was poorly developed, and the presentation was underwhelming compared to Disney’s standards. The movie should have leaned more heavily on the character of Jaeger Clade (the only one with any charisma) and reduced the number of scenes of boring millennials being sarcastic at one another. |
| 592 | ** "Welcome, assholes, to Avalonia-aionl-bolonga! An failed civilization trapped behind an impassible ring of [[VisualPun meat!]]" |
| 593 | ** "And who's this by his side? Jaegar Clade! These two are gay ... jae!" |
| 594 | |
| 595 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvpNPsy3etI The Orange Glo Odyssey, Starring Billy Mays]] |
| 596 | ** "Billy's spending some hard time in drug rehab. So here's our host, [[Advertising/FlexSeal Phil Swift]]." ''[[[TakeThat booing]]]'' |
| 597 | ** After proceeding to [[ProductPromotionParade repeatedly promote the Flex Seal family of products]] instead of Orange Glo, the narrator fires Phil Swift and replaces him with Marc Gill. |
| 598 | --->'''Narrator''': Now let's get back to our host, Marc Gill. |
| 599 | --->'''Marc''': Hi, Marc Gill here, but I'm stoppin' there! |
| 600 | --->'''Narrator''': ''[beat]'' What? |
| 601 | --->'''Marc''': I'm stoppin' there! |
| 602 | --->'''Narrator''': You can't stop there, it's a 30 minute commercial! |
| 603 | --->'''Marc''': I'm stoppin'! |
| 604 | --->'''Narrator''': Fine, fuck this. Get the next guy. |
| 605 | ** The narrator calling in two more replacement pitchmen, only to immediately dismiss them from the stage when they turn out to be [[ButtMonkey Anthony Sullivan]] and Creator/VinceOffer. |
| 606 | ** The fact that Billy lied about going to rehab and was actually at a strip club doing crack with the [[CallBack Crack Hoe]], and when he's called back to do the commercial (and only agrees to do so after extorting the Narrator for $47 million paid up-front), it's implied he does it high out of his mind. |
| 607 | --->'''Narrator''': Billy, you smell like crack. |
| 608 | --->'''Billy''': [[OhCrap Shit.]] |
| 609 | --->'''Narrator''': Have you been smoking crack? |
| 610 | --->'''Billy''': [[BlatantLies Absolutely not.]] |
| 611 | ** "Now, let's get back to our host Billy Mays." |
| 612 | *** Take one: |
| 613 | ---->'''Billy''': ''[facing the wrong way]'' Hi, Billy Mays here with the- |
| 614 | ---->'''Narrator''': No Billy, you need to face the camera. |
| 615 | ---->'''Billy''': Shit. |
| 616 | *** Take two: |
| 617 | ---->'''Billy''': Hi, [[Website/Vat19 Milly Bays]] here for the- |
| 618 | ---->'''Narrator''': No, your name is "Billy Mays". |
| 619 | ---->'''Billy''': Shit. |
| 620 | *** [[RuleOfThree Take three]]: |
| 621 | ---->'''Billy''': ¡Hola! Soy Billy Mays para- |
| 622 | ---->'''Narrator''': No Billy, the commercial is in English! |
| 623 | ---->'''Billy''': ¡Mierda! |
| 624 | *** Take four instead sees Billy kneeling on the floor with a buffer, [[GettingCrapPastTheRadar repeatedly sniffling as if he did crack off camera.]] |
| 625 | ** [[FromBadToWorse To make matters worse,]] Billy then decides that Anthony (whom the narrator just kicked out a few minutes ago) should co-host the commercial. |
| 626 | --->'''Billy''': Hi, I'm Billy Mays! |
| 627 | --->'''Anthony''': And I'm Anthony Sullivan! |
| 628 | --->'''Narrator''': Shit. |
| 629 | --->'''Billy''': And I skipped my anti-psychotics this morning! |
| 630 | --->'''Anthony''': ''[suddenly a giant ant]'' That's right Billy, nothing has the power of the Dual Saw! |
| 631 | --->'''Billy''': ''[looks at Anthony, confused]'' Wow Sully, that is strange! |
| 632 | ** "And now Maytag and Whirlpool are putting a dispenser for Cheez-Its right in their new machines!" |
| 633 | --->'''Narrator''': ''[beat]'' [[FlatWhat What.]] |
| 634 | --->'''Billy''': Now you can make mountains of Cheez-Its and get rid of your toughest stains right in one machine! |
| 635 | --->'''Narrator''': Billy that's not- |
| 636 | --->'''Ant-thony''': [[CallBack It's easier than you think!]] |
| 637 | --->'''Narrator''': Shut up, Ant-thony! |
| 638 | ** "Until now, this technology has only been available for industrial porpoises!" ''[cue a [[VisualPun crew of dolphins dressed like construction workers]]]'' |
| 639 | ** "It's so easy, even your kids could do laundry!" Billy says [[ImmediateSelfContradiction before it show two children struggling to turn on a washing machine.]] |
| 640 | --->'''Billy''': Uh-oh! Your kids are too stupid to do laundry! |
| 641 | --->'''Narrator''': Billy- |
| 642 | --->'''Billy''': Simply [[CrossesTheLineTwice drown your kids in the bathroom]] and let your dog do the laundry, guaranteed! |
| 643 | --->'''Narrator''': BILLY! |
| 644 | --->'''Billy''': What!? |
| 645 | --->'''Narrator''': What the fuck are you talking about!? |
| 646 | --->'''Billy''': I'm doing the fucking commercial, asshole! |
| 647 | --->'''Narrator''': The commercial is supposed to be about Orange Glo, you moron! |
| 648 | --->''[beat]'' |
| 649 | --->'''Billy''': What the fuck is Orange Glo!? |
| 650 | --->'''Narrator''': It's a fucking floor care system! |
| 651 | --->''[beat]'' |
| 652 | --->'''Billy''': ...Oh. |
| 653 | --->''[beat, cut to Ant-thony]'' |
| 654 | --->'''Billy''': ''[beat, cut to Industrial Porpoises]'' Shit. ''[Cut to Cheez-Its dispenser]'' Uh... ''[Cuts to the stupid kids]'' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint I guess we can get rid of the porpoises.]] |
| 655 | --->'''Industrial Porpoises''': ''[angry dolphin sounds]'' |
| 656 | ** "Shelly, with the Orange Glo mop, [[RhymesOnADime your panties are sure to drop!]]" |
| 657 | ** [[HereWeGoAgain Billy turns down the lights to have sex with Shelly.]] [[RageBreakingPoint The Narrator's patience is tested.]] |
| 658 | --->'''Narrator''': Billy, we need you to finish the commercial. |
| 659 | --->'''Billy''': But I'm not done yet! |
| 660 | --->'''Narrator''': I don't care. |
| 661 | --->'''Billy''': [[{{Jerkass}} (snickers)]] |
| 662 | --->'''Narrator''': ''[[TranquilFury Turn on the fucking lights.]]'' |
| 663 | --->''(lights go on; Billy is plowing Shelly)'' |
| 664 | --->'''Narrator''': '''''What the everloving fuck-''''' |
| 665 | ** "Other cleaners drip and run, but Orange Glo is thick like Billy Mays' cum!" |
| 666 | ** Billy demonstrating how people normally clean their floors by beating a wooden board with another piece of wood. |
| 667 | ** "To show you the amazing power of the Orange Glo Floor Care System, we sent Anthony Sullivan to clean the ocean floor using only Orange Glo!" |
| 668 | --->'''Narrator''': [[EveryoneHasStandards This is a bad idea.]] |
| 669 | --->'''Billy''': Anthony Sullivan, how're you doing? |
| 670 | --->'''Anthony''': Well Billy, there really is so much dirt and grime down here, but with Orange Glo, you can easily refresh and deoderize- |
| 671 | --->'''[[ChekhovsGunman Industrial Porpoises]]''': ''[angry dolphin sounds]'' |
| 672 | --->'''Billy''': [[OhCrap Shit!]] |
| 673 | --->'''Narrator''': What was that? |
| 674 | --->'''Billy''': Uh-oh! |
| 675 | --->'''Narrator''': What? |
| 676 | --->'''Billy''': [[SomethingWeForgot The porpoises are still pissed!]] |
| 677 | --->'''Narrator''': [[OhCrap Holy shit, get him out of there!]] |
| 678 | --->'''Anthony''': ''[[[TheyKilledKennyAgain screams as he is attacked by the Industrial Porpoises]]]'' |
| 679 | --->'''Billy''': Shit, shit, shit! |
| 680 | --->'''Industrial Porpoise''': ''[destroys the undersea cam]'' |
| 681 | --->'''Billy and Shelly''': ''[stare at the TV in shock]'' |
| 682 | --->''[[DissonantSerenity (Billy calmly turns off the TV)]]'' |
| 683 | ** "[[MoodWhiplash Now, it's time for the Orange Glo haiku!]]" |
| 684 | --->'''Narrator''': No, no fucking haiku! The commercial's over! |
| 685 | --->'''Billy''': Orange Glo is the shit! / The narrator's an asshole! / He sucks lots of dicks! |
| 686 | ** The narrator [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere getting fed-up with Billy's shinanigans and leaving.]] |
| 687 | ** ([[RunningGagStumbles ORANGES INCLUDED]]) "[[TheStinger The preceding was an orange.]]" |
| 688 | |
| 689 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oGAcXhO1oM THE BATMAN IS TOO LAZY TO FIGHT CRIME AND SUCKS AT RIDDLES BUT HE PUNCHES EVERYONE]], a nearly 13-minute poop of ''Film/TheBatman2022''. |
| 690 | ** [[WesternAnimation/SpongeBobSquarePants Squidward]] dancing in place of the logo |
| 691 | ** Pete Savage's dialogue constantly becoming a ClusterFBomb |
| 692 | ** "[[WesternAnimation/SpongeBobSquarePants Is this the Krusty Krab?]]" "No, this is Batman." |
| 693 | ** "Twenty years ago, one reporter found shocking shit: how, when Martha was just a child, her mother committed suicide, then brutally murdered her father, then committed suicide, then brutally murdered Martha, then committed suicide, then brutally murdered Thomas Wayne, then brutally tried to force this crusading reporter into a hush money agreement, then committed suicide, then brutally murdered this crusading reporter, then committed suicide, then brutally committed suicide, then brutally used their power and money to brutally cover it up!" |
| 694 | |
| 695 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsHQXxtJEhs Weird Flex but OK]] |
| 696 | ** "[[InherentlyFunnyWords Penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis]]" |
| 697 | ** "It is not known if Xiaflex is safe. It is not known if Xiaflex is effective. We just know [[SideEffectsInclude Xiaflex has serious side effects.]]" |
| 698 | ** "[[OurProductSucks The only non-FDA approved, non-safe]], [[ImmediateSelfContradiction non-surgical surgery]] to fix your penis." |
| 699 | ** "For your next appointment, your doctor [[GroinAttack may surgically remove your penis]]. The good news is that you can download a new penis at [=Penis.com=]." |
| 700 | ** "Do not watch adult videos during your treatment with Xiaflex. Do not have a [[ToiletHumor bowel movement]] for four weeks after receiving Xiaflex. Call your healthcare provider if you develop extrasensory penis abilities, or sudden loss of your penis. Your penis may be in a different state: the FBI can help find your penis." |
| 701 | ** "Download the at-home penis activities guide at [=Penis.com=]" |
| 702 | ** "Thank you for having a slightly curved erection, we hope that you have sex with adult men. [[PaedoHunt Visit the FBI if you're looking for children under the age of 18.]]" |
| 703 | |
| 704 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BT98tkZVQRU Try THIS in a Small Town]] |
| 705 | --> "Could somebody please try some of [[Music/JasonAldean Mr. Aldean's]] suggestions in a small town and report back? I would like to try them myself, but I live in a major metropolitan area." |
| 706 | ** "Suck dick on a sidewalk, jackin' off at a red light. Fuck an old lady at a liquor store, Light 'em up if you'd like" ([[Music/DrDre WEED BRO]]) |
| 707 | ** "Sucker punch a cop, [[GroinAttack stomp on his cock]], take his gun." |
| 708 | ** "See my fat ass in a small town, I recommend you don't." |
| 709 | ** "'Round here we shit in the road" ''[[[{{Gasshole}} fart]]]'' |
| 710 | ** "[[IntercourseWithYou Suck my]] [[TeenyWeenie small cock]] in a small town. It won't take long for me to cum in a small town, got a gun--" ''[bang]'' "Got a [[FatSlob gunt]], gotta shit" ''[[[RunningGag fart]]]'' |
| 711 | ** "[[TheStinger I wrecked my car in a small town, I recommend you don't.]]" |
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