| 1 | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation Funny (Non-ZP)]] | '''Zero Punctuation 1 (2007 - 2010)''' | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation2 Zero Punctuation 2 (2011 - 2013)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation3 Zero Punctuation 3 (2014 - 2016)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation4 Zero Punctuation 4 (2017 - 2019)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation5 Zero Punctuation 5 (2020)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation6 Zero Punctuation 6 (2021)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation7 Zero Punctuation 7 (2022 - 2023)]] |
| 2 | |
| 3 | ---- |
| 4 | |
| 5 | [[foldercontrol]] |
| 6 | |
| 7 | ! 2007 Episodes |
| 8 | !! 2007, Quarter 3 |
| 9 | [[folder: The Darkness Demo]] |
| 10 | * The scene which introduces the Imp character, which also works as a perfect demonstration of Yahtzee's wit and prose at its best. |
| 11 | -->I spent most of the time fruitlessly trying to find a way to make it penetrate a flimsy iron gate, before discovering that what I was supposed to do was go back to an easily-missed white spot on the ground, use it to summon an evil imp, and instruct it to move a thoughtlessly-parked car out of the way of one of the cemetery entrances. Let me just reiterate that: the game literally has me summon a multi-fanged, beclawed monstrosity from the depths of Hell, not so I can make it enslave the innocent or lay waste to all worldly nations, but so I that can enlist it as my own personal breakdown service. |
| 12 | * "Personally at this point, I'd only consider buying the full version of ''The Darkness'' if it came down to budget price. And they threw in [[VideoGame/BeyondGoodAndEvil another, better game.]] And some cake. And Belgium." |
| 13 | [[/folder]] |
| 14 | |
| 15 | [[folder: Fable: The Lost Chapters]] |
| 16 | * Yahtzee makes his ambitions clear from the beginning: |
| 17 | -->The big selling point of course is that you can choose to be a good character or an evil character. So I, of course, set out to be ''the evilest bastard who ever lived'', and the best way to do this, according to the game, was to [[EvilWearsBlack dress in black]], [[BeardOfEvil grow a big moustache]], [[TattooedCrook draw all over my face]] and [[EvilIsPetty backhand the occasional passer-by]]. |
| 18 | ** Yahtzee notices that because he is playing an evil character, the only female character who will give the time of day is the evil FemmeFatale character, who he ends up marrying. He quickly finds the marriage quite a disappointment: |
| 19 | --->The way she pitched it to me, I thought we were going to [[UnholyMatrimony partner up in an unstoppable superstar tag team]] to {{take over the world}} together. But after the wedding, all she did was hang around the town center criticizing my taste in facial hair. |
| 20 | * [[FreezeFrameBonus SILENT HILL 2 IS THE BEST GAME EVAR]] |
| 21 | [[/folder]] |
| 22 | |
| 23 | [[folder:Heavenly Sword and Other Stuff]] |
| 24 | * Nariko's outfit: |
| 25 | -->The whole effect does not so much as scream "battle-hardened swordswoman" as it does the phrase, "Try and pull this one off, {{cosplay}}ers." |
| 26 | * The demo's stand-out line "We may need you to play twing-twang.": |
| 27 | -->My first thought when I heard that was, "[[QuoteMine I am so going to quote that out of context]]," but on reflection [[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext it doesn't make a whole lot of sense in context, either]]. If the developers were hoping I’d consider buying the full game just to see what twing-twang is, then mission fucking accomplished, I suppose, but I'm going to be very disappointed if it isn't a cutesy euphemism for lesbian cunnilingus, ''yeah, I went there''. |
| 28 | ** In fact, that provides the page quote for MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext. |
| 29 | * "Since Nariko wasn't quite finished expressing her death wish, she then cut the support ropes that held up the big stone erection and rode it down to the ground, where it collapsed upon a bunch of soldiers who were doing manly things like arm wrestling and grunting, and if you're seeing [[FreudWasRight a sort of Freudian motif]] going on here, then rest assured you're not the only one." |
| 30 | * When the ''Heavenly Sword'' demo proves too short to sustain an entire episode he moves on to discussing the trailer for the upcoming ''Resident Evil 5'', taking it to task for basically seeming to be a straight retread of ''Resident Evil 4'', providing possibly one of his best sight gags in the process. |
| 31 | -->I wasn't really expecting them to deviate too much a format that has proved wildly successful, but Jesus Christ guys, you could at least ''try'' to mix it up. ''<Jesus appears in "Art/TheLastSupper" and [[VisualPun starts spinning records]] while wearing a pair of CoolShades>'' |
| 32 | * Yahtzee’s description of [[VideoGame/ResidentEvil4 Salazar]] as "Squeaky Voiced Midget Napoleon". |
| 33 | [[/folder]] |
| 34 | |
| 35 | [[folder:Psychonauts]] |
| 36 | * [[SchmuckBait The experiment in the beginning of the episode]] is actually a punishment for not buying ''VideoGame/{{Psychonauts}}''. |
| 37 | ** (If you did buy ''Psychonauts'', please disregard the preceding.) |
| 38 | --->"'''DISCLAIMER:''' If you did buy Psychonauts then floppidy ploppidy balooby blah" |
| 39 | * Yahtzee’s description of the game’s divisive status: "''Psychonauts'' seems like a rather polarizing game in that some people seem to think it's the kind of thing Jesus would make if he was alive and wasn't a pussy and some other people feel it's a chunky vomit milkshake [[HypeBacklash severely over-hyped by the people in party A]]." |
| 40 | * The ending credits reenacts the ''VideoGame/DuckHunt'' scene, in which an imp flies like a duck until it is shot down by a hunter and falls down before it gets caught by the ''Duck Hunt'' dog. |
| 41 | ** Even funnier was the SoundtrackDissonance of the scene, which was set to the chorus of "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIQn8pab8Vc I Believe I Can Fly]]" (from ''Film/SpaceJam'') by Music/RKelly in the credits (i.e., before Website/YouTube [[ScrewedByTheLawyers blocked the video on copyright grounds for licensed music use]] and ''Zero Punctuation'' re-uploaded the video review with their intro and outro themes as replacement music on August 14, 2021). |
| 42 | [[/folder]] |
| 43 | |
| 44 | [[folder:Console Rundown]] |
| 45 | * The subtitle: [[FlameBait an adventure in fanboy baiting]]. |
| 46 | * While talking about ''VideoGame/FinalFantasyXIII'', Lightning herself is suprised that she is actually a woman and not another androgynous male. |
| 47 | * The conclusion: |
| 48 | -->Maybe all of gaming is pointless; just toying with the gravel on the side of the road of life. But, hey, at least there's [[VideoGame/{{Manhunt}} violence]] and [[VideoGame/DeadOrAliveXtremeBeachVolleyball tits]]! |
| 49 | [[/folder]] |
| 50 | |
| 51 | [[folder:Bioshock]] |
| 52 | * A line about boiling water apparently being able to form allegiances in the game is accompanied by a jar of water on a Bunsen burner screaming "FUCK THE POPE!" |
| 53 | * The rant on the extremely binary nature of the KarmaMeter: |
| 54 | -->There are only two endings, a good one and a bad one, and the extreme contrast between them is rather jarring. In the good ending, you're a virtuous flower child with love and a smile for all the shiny-coated beasts of God's kingdom, and in the bad ending you're some kind of hybrid of Hitler and [[WesternAnimation/HeManAndTheMastersOfTheUniverse1983 Skeletor]] whose very piss is pure liquid malevolence. I'm sick of games that claim to have choice but that only really come down to either Mother Teresa or [[EatsBabies baby-eating]]. All I'm saying is that a little middle ground is nice now and then.\ |
| 55 | ''([[GoldenMeanFallacy cue picture of]] [[BreadEggsBreadedEggs Mother Teresa eating a baby]])'' |
| 56 | * When Yahtzee describes the game as being a kick in the balls to PC Gamers used to [[VideoGame/SystemShock more]] [[VideoGame/DeusEx complicated]] [[VideoGame/{{Stalker}} examples]] of FPS RPG games (represented by a Big Daddy kicking Yahtzee's avatar squarely between the legs), he qualifies the statement by calling it a gentler kick than most, "an extremely pretty, well-executed kick in the balls", tucking a large violet flower behind the Big Daddy's ear and adding a Little Sister standing behind the Big Daddy [[HoldUpYourScore giving him a 6.0]]. |
| 57 | [[/folder]] |
| 58 | |
| 59 | [[folder:Tomb Raider Anniversary]] |
| 60 | * After spending the whole review trying to avoid referring to breasts, Yahtzee falls prey to the FreudianSlipperySlope, which culminates in a HurricaneOfEuphemisms for boobies. |
| 61 | -->I mean, is it just because no one can come up with new ideas? It's not hard. Here's one: a genetically-engineered Taiwanese chef teams up with a newt in a fez to rescue his large-bosomed girlfriend from mummies. There, you see? It's easy. A breast cancer specialist with large bosoms journeys through time to pay for a breast enlargement. A race of bosom people set out on an armada of bosoms to find a new bosom homeworld. Bosoms, melons, milk factories, busts, funbags, knockers, [[VideoGame/ResidentEvil4 ballistiques]], boobies, jugs, nipples, [[UnusualEuphemism jubblies]], '''STONKING GREAT TITS!'''[[note]]It's the way his little avatar is on his knees, shaking one raised fist in the air that really sells it[[/note]] |
| 62 | -->''[cue "Fat Bottomed Girls" by Music/{{Queen}}]'' |
| 63 | ** Before that, his musings on playing the original ''VideoGame/TombRaiderI'' as a kid: |
| 64 | --->It kind of [[NostalgiaFilter takes me back to when I was fifteen]] and playing the original ''VideoGame/TombRaiderI'' and I'd back her up into a corner to get the best view[[note]]arrow points at her chest[[/note]] of her juicy--[[LastSecondWordSwap thighs]][[note]]arrow points at her thighs[[/note]].\ |
| 65 | ''(Caption reading "[[AC:Phew, That Was a Close One]]" pops up)'' |
| 66 | [[/folder]] |
| 67 | |
| 68 | [[folder:Manhunt]] |
| 69 | * The opening song... |
| 70 | -->''Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows'' |
| 71 | * It's hard to catch, but in the review he claims the game "only stands out in the area of juvenile gore", illustrated with a graph that asserts that ''Franchise/{{Barbie}} Horse Riding'' has over twice as much hardcore violence as ''VideoGame/{{Resistance}}: Fall of Man''. |
| 72 | * Yahtzee's "No, and go fuck yourself, you ignorant scaremongering cockbags!" being captioned as "No, and I consider your argument misinformed." |
| 73 | [[/folder]] |
| 74 | |
| 75 | [[folder:Peggle]] |
| 76 | * On the game's addictiveness. |
| 77 | -->I started playing at around noon and [[JustOneMoreLevel emerged from my room some time later to find the authorities had declared me legally dead]]. |
| 78 | * "Allow me to hold your head under the waters of putrescent waters of knowledge" complete with diagram of Yahtzee doing that. |
| 79 | [[/folder]] |
| 80 | |
| 81 | !! 2007, Quarter 4 |
| 82 | [[folder:Halo 3]] |
| 83 | * The opening music for this episode is "Hello Goodbye" by Music/TheBeatles, which sounds very funny if you do the necessary mental substitution, as it ends up making the name of the series feel like an InherentlyFunnyWord: |
| 84 | -->You say "goodbye", and I say ''"Franchise/{{Halo}}", "Halo Halo",'' I don't know why you say "goodbye", I say ''"Halo"''... |
| 85 | * "If you asked me to summarise Halo 3 in one word, I'd tell you to stop being such a twat, but if pressed, I guess I'd go for 'schizophrenic'." ''(the word "Inconsistent" appears on-screen)'' |
| 86 | * "The difficulty curve wavers up and down like the knickers of an indecisive whore before plunging dramatically into a Sunday stroll down Easy Street for the last hour or so. There were sequences really near the beginning that kicked my ass until I was wearing my buttocks like a hat, while the closest thing to a final boss fight is basically you versus a wheelchair-bound cross-eyed hobbit, and you're armed with a BFG 9000." |
| 87 | * Describing the companion AI as "Pants-on-head retarded", complete with image of companion wearing pants on head. (Also keep in mind that Yahtzee is British, so by "pants" he means "underpants".) |
| 88 | [[/folder]] |
| 89 | |
| 90 | [[folder:Tabula Rasa]] |
| 91 | * Yahtzee decides to test the limits of the game's anti-profanity filter by naming his character "Gareth Gobulcoque". |
| 92 | * "Some people also find fat people sexy. I don't understand them myself, but then most people don't understand why I like putting lettuce around my cock and hiding it in other people's salad." |
| 93 | [[/folder]] |
| 94 | |
| 95 | [[folder:The Orange Box]] |
| 96 | * "It's short, it's cheap, and it comes with lots of fun extras, not unlike [[YourMom yer mum]]." |
| 97 | * Comparing Half Life 2: Episode Two's use of RememberTheNewGuy to "coming home from school to find a walrus sitting at the dinner table, and you're the only one who seems to notice." |
| 98 | -->More potatoes, Uncle Tusky? |
| 99 | * Comparing playing a Sniper in ''VideoGame/TeamFortress2'' to playing an adventure game where "the only puzzle is 'Use GUN on MAN'." |
| 100 | ** The on-screen text reads "Use GUN on OBLIVIOUS POTTYMOUTHED JERK", while the Sniper aims at the back of Yahtzee's own avatar. |
| 101 | * Admitting that he can't find any serious problems with ''VideoGame/{{Portal}}'': "This is the most fun you'll have with your PC until they invent a force-feedback codpiece." |
| 102 | * "If you like blazing action peppered with variety and cleverness you could do a hell of a lot worse than Half-Life 2: Episode 2 (Manchester United nil). Now then, Team Fortress 2 (Liverpool 3, sorry, I'll stop this now)." |
| 103 | ** It's always funny when Yahtzee takes game titles that contain numbers and turn them into the final scores of sporting events. |
| 104 | [[/folder]] |
| 105 | |
| 106 | [[folder:Super Paper Mario]] |
| 107 | * While discussing {{JRPG}}s he liked, Yahtzee likens ''VideoGame/{{Earthbound|1994}}'' to the Franchise/CthulhuMythos mixed with ''WesternAnimation/TheCharlieBrownAndSnoopyShow''. |
| 108 | * "Ït's an enjoyable installment, but the developers don't seem into it anymore, so perhaps it's time to put this franchise to bed. ''Then smother it to death.''" |
| 109 | [[/folder]] |
| 110 | |
| 111 | [[folder:The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass]] |
| 112 | * "The Hero called "[[Franchise/TheLegendOfZelda Link]]" on the few occasions I'm mature enough not to abuse the [[HelloInsertNameHere "Enter Name" feature]], and "Fagballs" on all the others." |
| 113 | ** "Also sometimes I like to name him 'I Say' so that everyone sounds like [[WesternAnimation/LooneyTunes Foghorn Leghorn]]." |
| 114 | *** Actually doing this with most Zelda games makes quite a few lines absolutely ''hysterical.'' And oddly fitting in a few instances, too. |
| 115 | * "Phourglass' other gimmick is that after each dungeon, you have to go back to the starting temple to find out where to go next for the next one. And while not wishing to be confrontational, this aspect of the game can ''fuck right off!''" |
| 116 | * "It seems Nintendo is the only company we allow to get away with his behavior. Imagine if anyone else did it; imagine if Creator/{{Valve}} released ''VideoGame/HalfLife'', then a few years later they released ''Half-Life'' again with exactly the same plot, but with better graphics, different level design, and maybe one new gun, like a tube that shoots lemons. We'd think they had all gone raving mad! They'd be in drug rehab before ''Half-Life: Citrus Bazooka'' could even hit shelves!" |
| 117 | [[/folder]] |
| 118 | |
| 119 | [[folder:Clive Barker's Jericho]] |
| 120 | * Calling ''VideoGame/CliveBarkersJericho'': [[InCaseYouForgotWhoWroteIt "Clive Barker's Clive Barker's Jericho by Clive Barker"]]. |
| 121 | * On the subject of ''Jericho'''s questionable level design and usage of RealIsBrown: |
| 122 | -->This might sound like a purely aesthetic quibble, but it makes the levels confusing to navigate since if you've seen one ruined brown castle corridor, you've seen them all. On three separate occasions, I found I was backtracking without even realizing, and that's usually the point when the level designer needs to be [[DeadlyEuphemism feeling ashamed of himself]]. ''(cuts to the level designer [[DisproportionateRetribution falling into]] [[EatenAlive the mouth of]] [[ThreateningShark a shark]])'' |
| 123 | * "The game is just littered with bad design choices, like Worthy Farm after the Glastonbury festival. Just as an example, in the second level I was faced by a number of wartime pillboxes that diced the entire team to festive confetti the moment they came within fifty yards. Eventually, one of those helpful hints that games flash up when they feel sorry for you for being so obviously retarded appeared and told me that one of the girls would run up behind the pillbox and drop a grenade in it if I pressed a certain button while in a certain position. ''Excuuuuuuse me'', ''Jericho'', for not possessing the kind of clairvoyant space brain necessary to instinctively know something that has never until this point been mentioned and indeed will never be used again!" |
| 124 | [[/folder]] |
| 125 | |
| 126 | [[folder:Guitar Hero III]] |
| 127 | * His opinion on buying expansion packs and his depiction of the mental image it brings up CrossesTheLineTwice: |
| 128 | -->The day I fork out seventy bucks for an expansion pack is the day I swallow razor wire, pull the end of my arse, and floss myself to death. |
| 129 | * "For 3: [[SequelNonEntity What happened to Clive Winston?]] He was my favorite character! For 4: [[SuddenlyShouting WHAT THE]] ''[[SuddenlyShouting FUCK]]'' [[SuddenlyShouting HAPPENED TO CLIVE WINSTON, YOU PRICKS?!]]" |
| 130 | * The review being stuffed with HaveIMentionedIAmHeterosexualToday, before ending: |
| 131 | -->On the whole though it's just not as good as tonguing another man's balls. ''[both figures stop playing and stare at the fourth wall]'' I mean... as it used to be. ''[[[{{Beat}} awkward silence]]] I'm not gay.'' |
| 132 | ** Even funnier when you realize that one of the two players is his own AuthorAvatar, and due to the timeframe of the game's release and when they met, it's entirely possible that the other is [[VitriolicBestBuds Gabe]]. |
| 133 | [[/folder]] |
| 134 | |
| 135 | [[folder:Mass Effect]] |
| 136 | * Yahtzee finding the game's character creation tool to be somewhat inflexible, yet also flexible to draw comedy from: |
| 137 | -->Some day I want to make a list of all the games that feature as the protagonist a grizzled, generically handsome, short brown-haired guy. I'm sure I'd end up with something populated by roughly 70% of all the games ever made ever. Mass Effect is gratifyingly different by letting you choose between various styles and shades of short brown hair and fully customise your generic handsomeness and grizzledom levels. Well, that's a little unfair -- you can be a grizzled, short brown-haired ''girl'', too. I eventually went for an ugly motherfucker who looked like a cross between Creator/PetePostlethwaite and [[Music/{{Radiohead}} Thom Yorke]] so it'd be funnier when all the female characters started wanting to ride my purple python. |
| 138 | * "''Mass Effect'' is like an incontinent who just drank six bottles of Mountain Dew, so full to bursting with dialogue that it leaks out at every turn. Characters will spout their life stories at the slightest provocation like you've got a documentary crew with you. A mere glance at a computer screen or starship component will dump an entire Reader's Digest into your journal. To the game's credit, you're never actually required to read any of this, but not doing so leaves you the strange feeling that the game somehow resents me for it." |
| 139 | [[/folder]] |
| 140 | |
| 141 | ! 2008 Episodes |
| 142 | !! 2008, Quarter 1 |
| 143 | [[folder:Super Mario Galaxy]] |
| 144 | * "You could transplant the head of [[ThoseWackyNazis Joseph Goebbels]] onto the body of a praying mantis, and it would still compare favorable to ''VideoGame/SuperMarioSunshine''." |
| 145 | * The return of Uncle Tusky! |
| 146 | [[/folder]] |
| 147 | |
| 148 | [[folder:Silent Hill: Origins]] |
| 149 | * Yahtzee compares ''VideoGame/SilentHill2'''s writing compared to the rest of the video game industry, like Creator/CharlesDickens joining a forum for ''WesternAnimation/InvaderZim'' FanFiction. [[SelfDeprecation Yahtzee appears in the crowd of the dorky-looking fanfic writers]]. |
| 150 | * "Also, you have one second to name any game in which [[BreakableWeapons weapon degradation]] has been a good idea. ''({{beat}})'' Time's up. That's what I thought! There's something very wrong about a katana that shatters after five or six hits, one that ostensibly isn't made out of glass or chocolate." |
| 151 | * Yahtzee wonders where Travis found a body warmer that was spacious enough to store 18 portable [=TVs=]. Cue a animation of pile of [=TVs=] falling out of Travis' vest and him hastily stating "I don't know how they got in there, officer!" |
| 152 | * "But it's impossible to care about [Travis] because A) he's a [[TheGenericGuy breathtaking nonentity with all the emotion of a polystyrene block]], and B) there's no reason for him to be in the town at all. There's no missing wife or daughter keeping him motivated; the only conceivable reason for not turning on his heel and fleeing with nary a backward glance or stop at the gift shop is sheer determined retardation." |
| 153 | [[/folder]] |
| 154 | |
| 155 | [[folder:The Witcher]] |
| 156 | * The opening. |
| 157 | -->"[[JustForFun/XMeetsY What would you get if you took]] the corpse of Creator/JRRTolkien, ground it into a fine powder, and snorted it off the doughy breasts of a prostitute suffering from [[HollywoodTourettes Tourette's Syndrome]]? Well, [[LiteralMetaphor first you'd get a throatful of dead writer,]] [[SurprisinglyRealisticOutcome then the police will probably like to talk to you and you'll no doubt make an enemy of Mrs. Tolkien.]] What you probably won't get is ''The Witcher'', because it's a video game and more easily acquired from your local electronics retailer, you idiot!" |
| 158 | * The quote that started an entire movement. |
| 159 | -->"What quickly becomes obvious is that ''The Witcher'' is very much a PC-exclusive game, which are typically designed to be as complex and unintuitive as possible so that those dirty console-playing peasants don't ruin it for the glorious PC-gaming master race." |
| 160 | * "As I progressed through the starting village, a set of red flags came up that brought me to a sinister realization. One-click combat? Endless trudging from place to place? Quests involving killing X amount of monster Y for lazy stationary cockhead Z? This is a '''MUMORPUGER'''! A single-player mumorpuger, with no Alliance dipshits teabagging your corpse, but a mumorpuger nonetheless." |
| 161 | * [[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/22-The-Witcher The post-credits sequence]], a GagDub of ''Videogame/{{Painkiller}}''. |
| 162 | -->'''Sammael:''' Listen well. You know what this is? This is the first prize trophy of the All-County Cock Sucking Championships. The judges said I was like a vacuum cleaner with a pufferfish on the end. Meet me out front in twenty minutes and you will have the most mind-blowing thirty seconds of your life. Twenty minutes. Out front. Pufferfish. ''(leaves)''\ |
| 163 | '''Daniel:''' Okay, now I just have to figure out [[AmbiguousGender if that was a man or a woman]]. |
| 164 | * "You might say it's sexist to treat women like a baseball card collecting mini-game, so you can ogle their luscious rounded boobies and ''melt away between their smooth milky thighs'' '''''as the sweat runs in rivulets from their writhing, sensuous bodies''''', but...sorry, I forgot where I was going with that." |
| 165 | ** THINK OF SOMETHING WHOLESOME INSTEAD |
| 166 | [[/folder]] |
| 167 | |
| 168 | [[folder:Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles]] |
| 169 | * ''"Umbrella Chronicles'' is a heavily cut-down retread of [[VideoGame/ResidentEvil three of]] [[VideoGame/ResidentEvil3Nemesis the major]] [[VideoGame/ResidentEvil0 Resident Evil games]], starring WesternAnimation/JohnnyBravo[[note]]Albert Wesker[[/note]], a prostitute[[note]]Jill Valentine[[/note]], an idiot[[note]]Chris Redfield[[/note]], a mullet[[note]]Billy Coen[[/note]], a [[LadyLooksLikeADude nine year-old boy]][[note]]Rebecca Chambers[[/note]], a brick shithouse[[note]]the Tyrant[[/note]], and [[MyFriendsAndZoidberg Carlos]][[note]][[CaptainObvious Carlos Oliveira]][[/note]]." |
| 170 | ** "And despite being given this opportunity to revise things, it's gratifying to see Capcom continue their proud tradition of unintentionally hilarious dialogue. "I have a bad feeling about this," announces Jill Valentine, after having been repeatedly savaged by the undead, demonstrating her vital intuitive ability to sense danger about an hour after it has commenced." |
| 171 | --->'''Jill:''' ''<with a zombie latched onto her arm>'' [[ComicBook/SpiderMan Hooker sense tingling]] |
| 172 | --->'''Zombie:''' Mmm hooker |
| 173 | * "...And while I'm complaining, I wanted to try this game out with the Wii Zapper, but those bastards might as we be carved from the wood of the True Cross for how easy [[CommonplaceRare they are to get hold of in]] [[UsefulNotes/{{Brisbane}} this fucking city]]. But I can't blame Capcom for that, so [[RageAgainstTheHeavens I'll just blame God like I usually do]]." |
| 174 | [[/folder]] |
| 175 | |
| 176 | [[folder:Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare]] |
| 177 | * The introduction of the Triple-cunted Hooker: |
| 178 | -->'''Yahtzee's avatar:''' ''(staring down said hooker's pants)'' Holy shit! |
| 179 | * (Waffle about game physics)... "and now, to counteract the seriousness of that last sentence, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnZ-5DZhySg Boingo Boingo Whoopsy Knickers]]". |
| 180 | * When Yahtzee describes Call of Duty's deconstruction of typical war tropes he says it is what elevates Call of Duty 4 from average to excellent, before clarifying that the word excellent shouldn't just be tossed around and even so it doesn't rank far on the scale of other excellent things, where Call of Duty is on the far left, Portal is to the right, and at the very end of the scale there is a picture of Jesus Christ. |
| 181 | [[/folder]] |
| 182 | |
| 183 | [[folder:[=SimCity=] Societies]] |
| 184 | * The episode's description alone: |
| 185 | -->This week on ''Zero Punctuation'', Yahtzee compares Sim City to Nazi Germany. |
| 186 | ** The actual comparison comes up when Yahtzee ponders on how the Sims inhabiting the town are really extremely easily to make happy: |
| 187 | --->I set out to make a brutal, authoritarian dictatorship because it makes ''my balls'' feel big. So all my workplaces were things like thought police headquarters and all the venues were propaganda theaters, and most of the gormless fuckers were still "content" or "elated". ''Christ'', this must be how Nazi Germany started!\ |
| 188 | ''(a smiling Adolf Hitler appears in the corner)'' |
| 189 | * Yahtzee describing his early experiences with the [=SimCity=] franchise: |
| 190 | --> "I remember wondering why no one wanted to live in the nice houses I built right next to the nuclear power station. It made sense to me; it meant the electricity wouldn't have to travel so far, and as such would be less tired and more efficient. I also had difficulty grasping the notion that further-away buildings had to be connected to the station with wires. [[ComicallyMissingThePoint I just assumed the little flashing lightning bolt icon meant the people in the house were listening to]] Music/{{ACDC}}."\ |
| 191 | ''(cue Yahtzee's avatar looking on and saying "SWEET")'' |
| 192 | * "I suppose the clinching flaw in this game that revolves around keeping people happy is that the people provoke empathy in the same way [[Series/TopGearUK Jeremy Clarkson]] provokes animalistic lust." |
| 193 | * Yahtzee points out that the game doesn't particularly cares all that much where the player decides to build stuff, although it is still a bad idea to build schools next to "[[CrossesTheLineTwice the pedophile training center]]". Said "training center" is labelled "[[AllAnimeIsNaughtyTentacles Japanese Manga Shop]]". |
| 194 | [[/folder]] |
| 195 | |
| 196 | [[folder:Uncharted: Drake's Fortune]] |
| 197 | * Yahtzee's digression on why he cannot help but see Drake as somewhat racist, is accompanied with a recreation of the scene from ''Film/DieHardWithAVengeance'' where John [=McClaine=] is made to wear the "[[CrossesTheLineTwice I HATE NIGGERS!]]" sandwich board in the streets of Harlem, with Drake in the place of [=McClaine=]. |
| 198 | ** His way of finishing the digression: |
| 199 | --->But like UsefulNotes/GeorgeWBush, let's forget about the well-being of non-Caucasians and put on our reviewing pants...\ |
| 200 | ''(illustration of [[CrossTheLineTwice George W. Bush with a tophat and a cane gleefully tap-dancing on the back of a black man]])'' |
| 201 | * Yahtzee casually drops the fact that the EvilBrit BigBad dies near the end and is replaced by "a more 'ethnic' final boss". |
| 202 | -->Sorry to spoil that for you, but I assumed you could predict a plot point like "the bad guy dies." |
| 203 | * Yahtzee takes a moment to praise the game's water effects. |
| 204 | -->Water pouring from pipes actually shimmers like real water does, and the main character's got this shirt that looks realistically wet after you've been swimming. But what's cool is that it will only be partly wet if it was only partly immersed in the water, and... well, ''I'' think it's interesting! Although it is odd how they put so much work into making [Drake's] shirt look wet when his hair acts like it's held in place with polymer cement. |
| 205 | * The drawing of Nathan Drake juggling a torch, a chainsaw, and a baby. The next frame shows the baby and chainsaw on the floor, along with some blood, covered up by a black censor box that says [[CrossesTheLineTwice "THE BABY IS FINE]] [[BlatantLies THE BABY IS OKAY."]] |
| 206 | * The bit where Yahtzee [[MediumShiftGag briefly shifts from his usual style to a live action recording of himself]], where he patiently explains that a QuickTimeEvent should not be used in a way that promotes FakeDifficulty, especially if they're done in a way [[PressXToNotDie the player can't expect]] -- [[BigLippedAlligatorMoment before a "Press X to Dodge" message suddenly flashes on the screen]], and [[UnfazedEveryman Yahtzee]] [[ExcuseMeWhileIMultitask nonchalantly dodges a thrown object, all while still calmly explaining his point]]. |
| 207 | [[/folder]] |
| 208 | |
| 209 | [[folder:Devil May Cry 4]] |
| 210 | * "It would be very narrow-minded of me to say that all Japanese cartoons suck; that's like saying that all glam rockers are pedophiles. The fact is that there's bound to be at least one thing to your tastes in all the different varieties of {{Anime}}, whether you're into {{Samurai}}s or [[HumongousMecha giant robots]] or [[HaremGenre serials about awkward young men very pointedly NOT having sex with a selection of eager women]]. But it would be fair to say that there are [[AnimeGenres certain popular trends in anime]] that tend to set off my cynicism alert. I would list them, but thanks to Capcom, I don't have to. Now I can just point at ''VideoGame/DevilMayCry4'' and say 'pretty much that'." |
| 211 | [[/folder]] |
| 212 | |
| 213 | [[folder:Turok]] |
| 214 | * The titlecards for each chapter of the review, which suffer increasing degrees of typos and other abuse. |
| 215 | * Yahtzee's explanation for why FirstPersonShooter games of recent [[WalkItOff have abandoned health meters]]: "Maybe someone threw a big party for video game interfaces, and Mr. Health Meter got drunk and acted like a tit, so now everyone shuns him". |
| 216 | * The FunnyBackgroundEvent in the ending credits. The heads-up display from VideoGame/{{Doom}} is shown on the bottom of the screen, with Yahtzee’s cartoon head replacing that of the game's protagonist, when an imp [[InterfaceScrew removes the head and sits in its place]]. |
| 217 | * "Instead of doing what I normally do i.e crucify the game with big blunt rusty nails shaped like penises, let's instead use ''{{VideoGame/Turok}}'' as an example to go through a few of the mistakes first person shooters keep consistently making. Perhaps I could persuade developers to stop making them, then maybe I could persuade the tide to turn back and ride a winged marshmallow to the sherbet kingdom." |
| 218 | * On the game completely disregarding the backstory to the series and instead just making another generic first person shooter with a cast based off of ''{{Film/Aliens}}'': "They've approached ripping off ''Aliens'' with the same determination that most developers would approach making a game that's actually good, and that's sort of admirable, I guess. In a retarded kind of way" with a [[UglyCute bug eyed pug]] in the foreground. |
| 219 | [[/folder]] |
| 220 | |
| 221 | [[folder:Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure]] |
| 222 | * "I didn't [find the voice acting] all that annoying, but my roommate said it was like having his ear canals raped by a man wearing a sandpaper condom. Not in those exact words, obviously." |
| 223 | * Yahtzee continuing to get Zack and Wiki's names wrong (intentionally), eventually ending up calling them "Whack and Sticky". |
| 224 | [[/folder]] |
| 225 | |
| 226 | !! 2008, Quarter 2 |
| 227 | [[folder:No More Heroes]] |
| 228 | * Yahtzee starts off by interrupting his musical CreditsGag in the intro, this time "No More Heroes" by ''Music/TheStranglers'', by declaring it to be a bit too obvious. |
| 229 | * The start of the show's gag on how Creator/Suda51 got his name: |
| 230 | -->The game is brought to us by [=Suda51=], the 51st result of an illegal Japanese cloning experiment to create the world's most auteur game designer, Sudas 1 through 50 having perished after their minds failed to absorb the necessary level of pretentiousness. |
| 231 | [[/folder]] |
| 232 | |
| 233 | [[folder:Condemned 2: Bloodshot]] |
| 234 | * "...All is not well in [[WhereTheHellIsSpringfield Whatever-The-Hell-This-City-Is-Ville]]. Everyone below the C2 demographic[[labelnote:*]] Skilled working class[[/labelnote]] [A caption reads "(I did Media Studies at school)"] has suddenly gone what is medically known as "[[AxCrazy Batshit Bonkers]]" and have taken to the streets to twat each other with sticks." |
| 235 | * His coining of the phrase "[[VideoGame/IndigoProphecy Indigo Prophecy / Farenheit ]] Syndrome", where a game that starts out reasonably grounded in reality will then take a sharp, jarring turn into the supernatural. |
| 236 | --> "The main, and most, obvious symptom of Indigo Prophecy Syndrome is a plot which in the second half goes what is medically known as ''snooker loopy'', with lesser symptoms including total abandonment of subtlety, the introduction of Ancient Mystical Cults, and the main character pulling hither-to-unknown superpowers ''out of their arse''. |
| 237 | * Yahtzee trying to pour in the ParanoiaFuel into your brain by telling you there is a serial killer living under your bed at this very moment, but "don't look or that'll really piss him off!" And his utter bemusement at the ending of the game: |
| 238 | -->''Condemned: Bloodshot'', by contrast, ends on a stupid sci-fi tower thing resembling something the [[VideoGame/HalfLife2 Combine]] would throw together if they were all ''drunk'', and [[AntiClimaxBoss a piss-easy final boss fight]] which you win by shouting at him so loud his brain explodes. ''[[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer I wish I was fucking kidding]].'' |
| 239 | * And when comparing the first game's "Forensics" mini-game to clicking an "OK" button, we're treated to this FreezeFrameBonus. |
| 240 | -->'''LISTEN UP CHUCKLES''' -- Film/Session9 was actually pretty good. |
| 241 | [[/folder]] |
| 242 | |
| 243 | [[folder:Super Smash Bros. Brawl]] |
| 244 | * Yahtzee mentioning that he bought the game illegally (from '''GAMETRADERS ROBINA''') due to it not being officially released in Australia. He then went on to name the store he bought it from ('''GAMETRADERS ROBINA''') over and over again, the final time ('''GAMETRADERS ROBINA''') actually giving the exact address of the store -- adding in where he then brought the game to try it out ('''MY FRIEND GUY'S HOUSE'''). |
| 245 | * Yahtzee complains about having to unlock [[VideoGame/MetalGearSolid Solid Snake]] and [[Franchise/SonicTheHedgehog Sonic the Hedgehog]], prompting [[Franchise/SuperMarioBros Mario]] to pop up. |
| 246 | -->'''Mario:''' Looks like-a you'll have to play with a-me instead. |
| 247 | ** Yahtzee responds by [[BoomHeadshot shooting Mario in the head.]] |
| 248 | [[/folder]] |
| 249 | |
| 250 | [[folder:God of War: Chains of Olympus]] |
| 251 | * Kratos' reaction to being told he has to [[OnlyTheWorthyMayPass "prove his worth"]] yet again: |
| 252 | -->''Jesus Nonexistant Christ'' |
| 253 | * |
| 254 | -->And there's nothing about ''God of War'' that really ''needs'' changing, it all fits quite nicely together, like furious bloodstained Stickle Bricks.\ |
| 255 | ''(pile of bloody Stickle Bricks snarling angrily)'' |
| 256 | [[/folder]] |
| 257 | |
| 258 | [[folder:Mailbag Showdown]] |
| 259 | * Arguably the most controversial episode, but also one of the funniest if you have thicker skin. Yahtzee got more hate mail than normal after panning ''[[SacredCow Super Smash]]'' so he decided to do a video as an open response to the criticism. [[DearNegativeReader The first line before responding to the emails set the tone:]] |
| 260 | -->So without further ado, ''Go Team Retard!'' |
| 261 | * "By the way: It's alright, you can swear on the internet. Your mum probably isn't gonna read it. I know, because she's too busy being fucked. ''By me.''" |
| 262 | * "I do point out every little thing that is bad about a game, but then, I'm a critic! It'd be weird if I didn't. If I put people's balls in my mouth for a living, I'd be a prostitute, or [[VideoGame/KaneAndLynch possibly]] [[TakeThat a GameSpot employee]]..." |
| 263 | [[/folder]] |
| 264 | |
| 265 | [[folder:Painkiller]] |
| 266 | * His summary of the weapons. |
| 267 | -->The default weapon is the titular Painkiller, a rotating-blade arrangement perfect for forecasting light showers of body parts and reenacting the lawnmower scene from the movie ''Film/BrainDead'' (that's ''Dead Alive'' if you're American and fat). As for the gun, I could mention the hugely-satisfying [[PhallicWeapon penis-extension gun]] that [[ImpaledWithExtremePrejudice pins baddies to walls with entire trees]], but all you really need to know is there's a gun that shoots shurikens and lightning. I wish I could make something like that up - ''it shoots shurikens and lightning''! It could only be more awesome if it had tits and was on fire! |
| 268 | [[/folder]] |
| 269 | |
| 270 | [[folder:The World Ends With You]] |
| 271 | * "And [the protagonist] has to team up with a partner, partly to make the most of the DS dual screen, but mostly to [[{{Anvilicious}} teach him a valuable life lesson about friendship and acceptance]] and everything else ''Series/SesameStreet'' used to bang on about whenever Cookie Monster wasn't around." |
| 272 | [[/folder]] |
| 273 | |
| 274 | [[folder:The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion]] |
| 275 | * "Every now and again, the planets would align and I'll be affected by weird cosmic rays, and suddenly all I want to do is play a nice fantasy RPG. Not a JRPG, God no - it's just space radiation, not the infinite power of Christ." |
| 276 | * "My only previous experience with ''Franchise/TheElderScrolls'' series was a brief spell of [[VideoGame/TheElderScrollsIIIMorrowind Morrowind]] during the previous planetary alignment, in which I ran around some muddy countryside in the rain for a few hours fending off weird sub-human creatures. So basically it was just like [[UsefulNotes/GlastonburyFestival Glastonbury]] [[TakeThat Festival.]]" |
| 277 | * Yahtzee's explanation for why he thinks the Player Character was in jail in the first place - for shagging the Emperor's wife and daughter at the same time, [[RuleOfCool while playing a guitar solo on the corpse of God]]. |
| 278 | * "[[Creator/PatrickStewart He]] took one look at me and [[MediumAwareness noticed the camera floating behind my head]] and said '[[BreakingTheFourthWall Oh bugger, you're the protagonist. Guess I have to die now.]]' [[WeHardlyKnewYe And die he did]], but not before giving me the address of a mate of his for a vital and world-saving quest I could maybe think about following [[SidetrackedByTheGoldenSaucer in-between looting bodies and fast traveling]]." |
| 279 | [[/folder]] |
| 280 | |
| 281 | [[folder:Metal Gear Solid 4]] |
| 282 | * After describing Snake and Otacon's relationship: "That oozing sound you just heard was all the world's [[SlashFic homoerotic fanfiction]] writers simultaneously emitting [[JizzedInMyPants torrents of hot lady-spunk]]." At which point the screen reads "THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT." |
| 283 | * Also for the genuinely batshit plot of the ''VideoGame/MetalGear'' series: |
| 284 | -->Anyway, Solid Snake is tasked with the assassination of his evil clone brother, who is dead, but lives on through his possessed arm, which was grafted onto the body of OH CHRIST I CAN'T GO ON THIS SHIT IS BANANAS ([[RebusBubble [Image of a turd] = [Image of a banana] ]]) |
| 285 | [[/folder]] |
| 286 | |
| 287 | !! 2008, Quarter 3 |
| 288 | [[folder:Webcomics]] |
| 289 | * Yahtzee discusses the importance of knowing your audience: |
| 290 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' If that doesn't work, go for the edgy crowd, and do a comic implying that [[{{Twincest}} Mario does Luigi up the arse]].\ |
| 291 | '''EmoTeen:''' ''(ironic laugh)'' |
| 292 | * All of Yahtzee's {{Take That}}s at the laziness of webcomics, inspired by the "Loss" controversy of ''Webcomic/CtrlAltDel'', leading to a moment when he depicts the miscarriage as a bloody imp bouncing out from between a female character's legs, quickly covered by text saying, "THIS IS THE WORST IMAGE I HAVE EVER MADE AND I HATE MYSELF". |
| 293 | * Yahtzee's savage commentary about "Loss": |
| 294 | -->So, now your comic is squatting on the Internet like a sewage plant on the river Thames, but you're still not popular, because you're competing with every other hack with a Playstation and a messiah complex, so how do you stand out against the crowd? Well, you're forgetting the most important ingredient: drama. I'm not talking about dramatic storylines, although that can certainly be part of it. Let's say, for sake of example, that you're sick of making [[VideoGame/{{Portal}} Companion Cube]] jokes, and suddenly do [[VerySpecialEpisode a serious storyline about your female character having a miscarriage]]. Obviously, you'd need to have several blood clots in your brain to think this is a good idea; you're established as a wacky humour comic, so this is going to be an awkward tonal shift at best and hugely disrespectful of the subject matter at worst. Your most hardcore supporters will [[FanMyopia feebly attempt]] to go along with you on this, smiling nervously at each other as they would around a mentally unstable friend with a shillelagh, but mean-spirited, embittered cocks ''(cut to [[SelfDeprecation Yahtzee's avatar with an arrowing pointing to him]])'' [[WhoWritesThisCrap are gonna call you out on it]]. At this point, there are many ways you can respond. [[DearNegativeReader "I don't see you doing anything better," "I can do whatever I want with MY comic," "You're just jealous because I get more readers,"]] and other equally flawed arguments. But above all else, [[NeverMyFault never admit defeat]], because the bigger a douche you are, the more traffic you get, as spectators line up to see you jump around the monkey cage, screaming and flinging your poo. |
| 295 | [[/folder]] |
| 296 | |
| 297 | [[folder:LEGO Indy]] |
| 298 | * "... I thought I'd better go undercover, drill holes into my head until I'm mentally twelve years old, and try out the new flippity gombo spletch." |
| 299 | [[/folder]] |
| 300 | |
| 301 | [[folder:Alone in the Dark]] |
| 302 | * The BRollRebus for the phrase "terrible execution" involves a guy stuck in a guillotine backwards so that his feet are about to be chopped off. |
| 303 | * The "Terry vs Gonad" sequence. |
| 304 | -->Hey!" said Terry. "Let's have a damage system where you actually see persistent wound decals on your character's body." "Okay!" replies Gonad. "But let's put them on the outside of his clothes so they look like someone glued slices of ham to his jumper!" "Hey again!" says Terry, "how about a dangerous gooey black floor that becomes neutralized by bright light?" "Okay again!" says Gonad. "Now let's make the flashlight incredibly ineffectual against it and make it a one-hit kill!" Then a broken and jaded Terry starts sniffing glue while Gonad goes into the fetal position and softly giggles to himself. |
| 305 | * The bit about the female sidekick, Sarah Flores: |
| 306 | -->Perhaps the crowning moment of her hideousness is when she nearly dies and the game forces you to press a button sequence in order to revive her with CPR. Although the spiteful cow never actually dies, no matter how many times you deliberately fuck up. (The accompanying animation depicts the game prompt first saying "PressXToNotDie" before turning into "You going to Press X or What", as Edward casually sits around in a chair and ignores both the prompt and Sarah.) |
| 307 | * If someone serves you a dead dog for lunch, you do not stick around for the pudding. |
| 308 | * "As a series, ''Alone in the Dark'' has always been about subtle, claustrophobic horror, as is sort of implied by the name. Now it makes no sense, because you're not alone, and it's not even dark, because everything's on fire." |
| 309 | [[/folder]] |
| 310 | |
| 311 | [[folder:The [=E3=] Trailer Park]] |
| 312 | * "Those of you that are paying attention will no doubt notice that all these games are sequels, [[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/157-The-E3-Trailer-Park And for those of you not paying attention...]]" ''(claps)'' "OI!" |
| 313 | * “Finally, a brief mention of ''VideoGame/GearsOfWar2''. [[ExactWords That was it.]] |
| 314 | [[/folder]] |
| 315 | |
| 316 | [[folder:Ninja Gaiden II]] |
| 317 | * "Oh blimey, I have been riffing on Creator/GeorgeLucas a lot lately, haven’t I?" |
| 318 | * "So the gore's been ramped up, and as always, hand-in-hand with Gore comes Titties, [[InterplayOfSexAndViolence his lovely wife and business partner.]]" |
| 319 | * Summing up the ExcusePlot: demons over there, kill they ass. |
| 320 | [[/folder]] |
| 321 | |
| 322 | [[folder:PrinceOfPersiaRetrospective]] |
| 323 | * The "Don't stick your dick in a pudding" metaphor. |
| 324 | -->''(summing up ''Warrior Within'')'' It just goes to show: never stick your dick in a pudding. It might still be good pudding and you can spend all afternoon explaining that to people but no one's still going to eat it because ''YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN IT!'' |
| 325 | ** About Warrior Within's [[DarkerAndEdgier darker atmosphere]]: |
| 326 | --->It seems that Ubisoft decided that emo culture was "in," so they went around the office one morning and fired everyone who was smiling. |
| 327 | [[/folder]] |
| 328 | |
| 329 | [[folder:Soul Calibur IV]] |
| 330 | * Yahtzee creating a character modeled after himself, with the "Charisma" and "Morals" sliders set to ''zero'' while "Bile", "Articulation", "Standards" and "Hat" are all maxed. |
| 331 | * Yahtzee finds out the gap between difficulty levels the hard way: |
| 332 | -->[[GameBreaker There isn't a single battle I couldn't get through]] by slinging my gormless opponent around like a drunken Amish square dance. Perhaps it was because I was playing on Normal difficulty. [[TemptingFate Hang on, I'll try one on Hard]].\ |
| 333 | ''(static; cut to real-life Yahtzee [[AteHisGun with a gun in his mouth]] and [[WeAreExperiencingTechnicalDifficulties TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES: PLEASE STAND BY...]]; static)''\ |
| 334 | ''(cut to Yahtzee's avatar with an axe in his head)'' [[BlatantLies Nope, same result]]. |
| 335 | [[/folder]] |
| 336 | |
| 337 | [[folder:Braid]] |
| 338 | * While ranting on the lack of innovation in the games industry: |
| 339 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' You know who I blame for all this? You! Yes, you, the public. Especially '''''you''''', [[TheTapeKnewYouWouldSayThat Adrian]]! (That probably isn't your name, but it was worth it to mess with the heads of all the Adrians in the world). |
| 340 | * During his description of the game's plot, he spoils one of the ending twists in a brilliantly-delivered SarcasticConfession: |
| 341 | -->Most of it is told through a bunch of disjointed text walls about some berk looking for a princess, except maybe she's actually his estranged wife or his dead daughter or maybe she's [[spoiler:the atomic bomb]] -- who knows? |
| 342 | [[/folder]] |
| 343 | |
| 344 | [[folder: Too Human]] |
| 345 | * The opening TakeThat towards Christianity, and how other mythologies are much more interesting. |
| 346 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' The root problem with Christianity is that their God is supposed to be all-powerful and benevolent. It sounds like an easy sell, but when life turns completely to shit you have to come up with all kinds of wacked-out reasons for why kindly old Jehovah saw fit to run over little Timmy with a combine harvester and leave him in a state of vegetative limbless agony for eighteen years. Ancient cultures didn't have that problem - they knew their gods were a bunch of drunken lunatics who ran around boning their close relatives and turning their goolies into fruit-bearing trees. Consequently they tend to make for much more interesting stories, hence why many video game writers treat mythology as a free idea bucket. |
| 347 | * Yahtzee is relieved that for once, he’s reviewing a game that’s objectively bad. |
| 348 | --> '''Yahtzee:''' None of that wishy-washy mediocrity where I have to admit that the soundtrack was nice or that the gameplay was slightly more entertaining than lacerating my gums on the edge of a rusty tin. This is just all bad, all the time, to the degree where it starts getting rather worrying. It makes me wonder if anyone actually took time out to play it before release, because there seem to be more issues than pixels. |
| 349 | [[/folder]] |
| 350 | |
| 351 | [[folder:Spore]] |
| 352 | * "Will Wright created ''VideoGame/TheSims'', a franchise which by shrewdly combining user-created assets, the powers of a [[VideogameCrueltyPotential malevolent trickster god]] and a massive amount of implied nudity, now annually makes about [[CashCowFranchise twice as much money as Belgium]]. So can his new game, ''VideoGame/{{Spore}}'', [[ToughActToFollow possibly live up to that legacy]]? In short: No. In long: [[BigNo Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo]][[OverlyLongGag ooooooooo...]]." |
| 353 | ** Said "Nooooo..." lasts for roughly 15 seconds. |
| 354 | [[/folder]] |
| 355 | |
| 356 | [[folder:XBLA Double Bill]] |
| 357 | * In his review of ''VideoGame/BionicCommandoRearmed'', Yahtzee brings up the first counterpoint of nostalgia, "that the majority of obsolete retro gaming tropes died out for a good fucking reason!" While he is speaking, four graves read, from left to right, "R.I.P. Two-Button Controllers", "R.I.P. MIDI Music", "R.I.P. Amusing Quit Messages", and "R.I.P. Obnoxious Difficulty", before an imp comes along and pees on the latter grave. |
| 358 | ** Scene immediately cuts to a grave that says, "R.I.P. Lives", which the arrow points to while Yahtzee is digging a grave with its stone that says, "R.I.P. [[PressXToNotDie Quick-Time Events]]". Becomes a BrickJoke in the end credits when he's still digging the "Quick-Time Events" grave and a flashing button appears before he swats it away with a shovel. He then looks down and realizes too late that a giant imp has emerged and [[EatenAlive gobbled him up]]. Guess he should have heeded the button's warning after all. |
| 359 | * Speaking of the "Lives" system: |
| 360 | -->...when you're hurling yourself through space with no ability to maneuver in the air, with patented insta-death spike and water traps lurking just offscreen like giggling trolls under bridges, deadification is inevitable. ''[cue the imp dressed as a shark, laughing as spikes impale Nathan Spencer dead]'' |
| 361 | * "And call me set in my ways,[[note]]'''Yahtzee:''' God, I love yellow.[[/note]] but surely it would be more intuitive to make pressing the button to shoot the grappling hook also detach it rather than retract and leave you dangling helplessly on the ceiling like a bionic piñata." ''[cue the imp arriving with a bow-and-arrow to pin Nathan down]'' |
| 362 | * The bikini-wearing knight riding a dragon fighting a bikini-wearing imp is priceless. |
| 363 | * "The appeal lies in exaggerated, cartoony graphics,[[note]]little kids with big heads and big feet appear, with one of them lying on the ground[[/note]] truly imaginative set pieces, and a wonderfully dark sense of humour, which will probably be enough to get most people through all the muck which I'm about to rake up." |
| 364 | * The conclusion: |
| 365 | -->To paraphrase my first statement, nostalgia is a mouthful of balls. Children will like anything, the stupid, diminutive cunts, and you weren't any different. Games -- or, should I say, the potential for games -- has only gotten better as technology advances in indirect proportion to the worsening of your memory. When the gaming kids of today become the hairy, whinging twentysomethings of the future, they'll be declaring that ''VideoGame/{{Halo 3}}'' was miles better than a game of interstellar bum pirates on the astral thought planes of the universal overmind, and they'll be just as wrong then as you are now. I played both ''[[VideoGame/TheLegendOfZeldaTwilightPrincess Zelda: Twilight Princess]]'' and ''VideoGame/SuperMarioSunshine'' before I played ''[[VideoGame/TheLegendOfZeldaOcarinaOfTime Ocarina of Time]]'' and ''[[VideoGame/SuperMario64 Mario 64]]'', and I thought the first two were better in every buggering way. Drink down that burnsauce, fat boy. Also, I think Hitler was right!\ |
| 366 | '''Credits:''' Most definitely does not think Hitler was right: Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw (phew) |
| 367 | [[/folder]] |
| 368 | |
| 369 | !! 2008, Quarter 4 |
| 370 | [[folder:Mercenaries 2]] |
| 371 | * "There's an insidious thought that frequently goes through the minds of gamers; and I'm not talking about the ones you get when [[MsFanservice Ivy]] from ''VideoGame/SoulCalibur'''s pants ride up, which are perfectly natural for growing young men." |
| 372 | * From there he identifies the thought as "[[TooAwesomeToUse But I might need it later]]": "--The niggling little doubt that prevents you from using all your most powerful insurance policies in case there's some kind of no-claims bonus at the end of it all. So we have scenarios where you're sitting on a nuclear stockpile to shame North Korea and are throwing peas at a [[GiantEnemyCrab giant robot crab]] on the off-chance that there might be [[AlwaysABiggerFish a bigger giant robot crab]] just around the corner." |
| 373 | * Yahtzee's new name for the game: [[DeathFromAbove "Airstrikes 2: Hooray for Airstrikes"]]. |
| 374 | * The immortal line: "Forgiveness, however, isn't a strong point of mine, so I'll just conclude by saying that ''Mercenaries 2'' can '''eat a dick pavlova.'''" |
| 375 | [[/folder]] |
| 376 | |
| 377 | [[folder:S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky]] |
| 378 | * Yahtzee [[InsistentTerminology always refers]] to the game by spelling out the letters in "S.T.A.L.K.E.R.", i.e. "Ess-Tee-Ay-Ell-Kay-Ee-Ar: Clear Sky". |
| 379 | * "You couldn't release a buggy game during the cartridge and cassette days, you'd get sentenced to trampling under the company Brontosaurus. But I'll tell you the worst part worst part worst part worst part worst part [[WeAreExperiencingTechnicalDifficulties (system error)]] ''[[OrphanedPunchline ...And whistled for a baboon]]''!" |
| 380 | ** Even funnier is the FreezeFrameBonus error message at this part. |
| 381 | --->This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Angry policemen are en route and resistance will only make them angrier. |
| 382 | ** Then repeated [[CreditsGag at the end of the video]]: |
| 383 | --->This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. If problems persist, sing gentle lullabies and lovingly stroke its hair. |
| 384 | * Also, "Lying prone only lowers your eye level another inch or so, so your character is either [[FatBastard extremely fat]] or [[BigPrickBigProblems uncomfortably well-endowed]]." |
| 385 | * When he illustrates the difficulty settings with pictures of a kitten, a bigger kitten, a tiger, and then for the hardest setting he shows a picture of a [[UsefulNotes/FurryFandom fursuited guy]]. With all the former ones terrified! |
| 386 | * "We've all been made complacent by tutorial levels and health regeneration. It's up to games like ''Ess Tee Ay Ell Kay Ee Arr'' to remind you that you're going to be just as useless after the downfall of society as you are now, nerd". |
| 387 | [[/folder]] |
| 388 | |
| 389 | [[folder:Silent Hill: Homecoming]] |
| 390 | * His rip on the [[FauxSymbolism arbitrarily "symbolic"]] monster designs: |
| 391 | -->And what have the new monster designs got to do with anything? A spindly man with a banana skin for a head? What, was Alex's brother once tramautised by a smoothie?\ |
| 392 | ''(Alex's brother runs across the screen screaming, pursued by an imp brandishing a smoothie and shouting "DRINK IIIIIT")'' |
| 393 | * Yahtzee's tangent on {{Romantic Plot Tumor}}s: |
| 394 | -->This is another peculiarly American habit that seems to always go unchallenged: why does a love interest subplot have to be shoehorned into everything? Imagine if there was some kind of parallel universe where every game and movie, regardless of genre, was required to incorporate at least one line dancing competition.\ |
| 395 | (''illustrated by [[Franchise/StarWars Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker]] suddenly interrupting during their climatic lightsaber duel to put on cowboy-hats and start dancing'')\ |
| 396 | We'd think they were all raving lunatics! And yet here's us forcing in an out-of-place, cheesy romance scene that's more agonizingly painful to watch than any of the actual horror the game is supposed to be about. |
| 397 | ** And then the follow up: |
| 398 | --->And if that's not enough, you get a wise-cracking [[TokenMinority black friend]] [[UncleTomfoolery drenched in stereotype]]. Towards the end, there's a bit where you're given the choice to either save him or let him die, [[EthnicScrappy and I could not hit that "No" button fast enough, I tell you that.]] |
| 399 | ** Then finally the conclusion: |
| 400 | --->It's like they had some kind of generic Hollywood movie checklist to fill in. Which makes sense, because the game borrows heavily from the similarly overdone ''Film/SilentHill'' movie, to the point that I half-expected there to be a level where you play as Creator/SeanBean doing something totally fucking irrelevant.\ |
| 401 | (''slide with Sean Bean playing with a paper airplane'') |
| 402 | * Yahtzee's repurposed title for the game: "[[AC:The Adventures of Captain Scowlyface [-(and his Angsty Little Pal)-]]]" |
| 403 | * TheStinger with Yahtzee making a GagDub of the phone call scenes from ''VideoGame/SilentHill1'' and ''VideoGame/SilentHill3''. |
| 404 | -->Look, love, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. I'm just having a rough day. I lost one of the three symbols I need to unlock my front door this morning and I'm just a little bit narky, all right? |
| 405 | [[/folder]] |
| 406 | |
| 407 | [[folder:Saints Row 2]] |
| 408 | * Yahtzee on giving gamers too much freedom, coinciding with his belief that HumansAreMorons [[HumansKillWantonly Who Kill For Fun]] |
| 409 | --> "If you give them guns, they will shoot old ladies. If you give them cars, they will run over old ladies. If you give them aircraft, they will ascend to the highest possible height and hurl themselves out [[RuleOfThree onto an old lady]]." |
| 410 | * "Pure, mindless fun, like wrestling an excitable dog in a paddling pool full of disembodied breasts. [beat] Don't think too much about that simile, I certainly didn't." |
| 411 | [[/folder]] |
| 412 | |
| 413 | [[folder:Fable II]] |
| 414 | * How he ends the review, claiming that the developers distract players from the game's flaws by going ''"Ooooh wook, it's a doggy! Mash up his widdle face and call him Chips."'' |
| 415 | * The completely random and unremarked on cameo by Creator/FyodorDostoevsky, who briefly joins the AuthorAvatar in the animation. |
| 416 | [[/folder]] |
| 417 | |
| 418 | [[folder:Fallout 3]] |
| 419 | * The beginning of the review: |
| 420 | --> ...[[BreatherEpisode Yeah, it's pretty good.]] ''(cue credits, which get cut short after two slides)'' [[AvertedTrope Alright]], [[CausticCritic alright!]] |
| 421 | [[/folder]] |
| 422 | |
| 423 | [[folder:Guitar Hero: World Tour]] |
| 424 | * Wait until after the credits to hear Yahtzee ''sing'' his [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6j8jMn2Kcgs "Deus Ex Song."]] |
| 425 | [[/folder]] |
| 426 | |
| 427 | [[folder:Mirror's Edge]] |
| 428 | * At the end of his paragraph decrying the excessive use of bloom effects, Yahtzee says the last two sentences in a tone that is matter-of-fact yet filled to the brim with weary resignation mixed with mild disgust. The way it caps the {{Bathos}} of the bit turns it into comic gold. |
| 429 | -->"So he did. And then he ate his own shoes." |
| 430 | * Essflawcondodgeckindesimudstorliketersockity. |
| 431 | [[/folder]] |
| 432 | |
| 433 | [[folder:Left 4 Dead]] |
| 434 | * The poster for a [[ZombieApocalypse Zombie Apocalypse]] film, with the title been: "Oh Christ, Them Cunts Be Dead." |
| 435 | * "...but the repetition is eased by the so-called AI Director, an omnipotent figure watching silently from the shadows who creates dramatic tension by conjuring health and ammo at the point when you need it and a billion zombies whenever he’s bored; [[TheComputerIsACheatingBastard which is all the time.]] " |
| 436 | [[/folder]] |
| 437 | |
| 438 | ! 2009 Episodes |
| 439 | !! 2009, Quarter 1 |
| 440 | [[folder:Tomb Raider Underworld]] |
| 441 | * "Innovation is to this franchise what a double cheeseburger would be to a lactose-intolerant Hindu!" |
| 442 | ** And the image of vampire Lara recoiling and hissing at the sight of the double cheeseburger. |
| 443 | * Not to mention his hilarious matchmaking of Lara with [[Franchise/FridayThe13th Jason Voorhees.]] |
| 444 | -->They've got so much in common: they both have an embarrassing amount of adventures that all follow an extremely specific formula; they both have an irresistible compulsion to murder God's creatures; they've both spent a lot of time underground; and most importantly neither of them will ever ''JUST FUCKING DIE!''" |
| 445 | * Lara staring at her hands in a way that indicates MyGodWhatHaveIDone after shooting someone. Followed by her casually brushing off some dust and wearing the dead guy's brain on her head, saying [[AxCrazy "I'M MISTER BRAIN HAT!"]] |
| 446 | [[/folder]] |
| 447 | |
| 448 | [[folder:Far Cry 2]] |
| 449 | * Whenever he turns on the South African accent. |
| 450 | * During the same review: "It brings to mind an animal rights activist freeing a captive bunny rabbit into the wild only for it to bewilderedly sit among daisies for several hours before a predator [the predator being [[Series/ManVsWild Bear Grylls]]] comes along and bites its entire body off." |
| 451 | [[/folder]] |
| 452 | |
| 453 | [[folder:Little Big Planet]] |
| 454 | * "There's a very in-depth level designer built in, with a host of tutorials you'll be tempted to go through just to have Stephen Fry tonguing your coc....hleah for hours on end" |
| 455 | ** Topped during the middle of the video when he "finishes" the review, and decides to show something else to fill the time. “Something else” being [[spoiler: [[BigLippedAlligatorMoment Yahtzee shaking his butt to "Soul Bossa Nova" with googly eyes glued to his boxers]]]]. |
| 456 | [[/folder]] |
| 457 | |
| 458 | [[folder:Thief: The Dark Project]] |
| 459 | * The "masterfully executed Link", with accompanying [[VisualPun visual gag]], was an almost painfully hilarious LampshadeHanging segue. |
| 460 | [[/folder]] |
| 461 | |
| 462 | [[folder:Spider-Man: Web of Shadows]] |
| 463 | * The review starts with Yahtzee going on a tangent about how he doesn't care about the only new release games because of {{Sequelitis}}: |
| 464 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' Christ, its a miserable time to be a game critic! The release schedule is nothing but old titles with incrementally larger numbers on the end, it’s like reading the results table posted outside a special school. ''VideoGame/StreetFighterIV'', ''VideoGame/Killzone2'', my new release options at present are limited to another thrilling opportunity to mash my controller to death, or ''Gears of War'' vs. the British Space Nazis, so fuck it, I thought, I am the free-spirited chaotic neutral rebel of video game journalism, I’m going to review a game from last year that I actually want to talk about! It's a ''Spider-Man'' game, which admittedly there have been around thirty of, but I'm validated as long as there's no number on the end, although I may feel the need to ''[[{{Emo}} cut myself and weep]].'' |
| 465 | [[/folder]] |
| 466 | |
| 467 | [[folder:House of the Dead: Overkill]] |
| 468 | * The part with [[Franchise/SuperMarioBros Bowser]] in front of an arcade game. |
| 469 | -->Fittingly it's totally retro with the entirety of the controls being little more than "press B to shoot" and "don't press B to not shoot".\ |
| 470 | [Bowser demonstrates by repeatedly smashing his nose into the button on the machine until he falls onto his back having bloodied his face and knocked himself out, with the game then telling him "You need to shoot some more." |
| 471 | * This bit. |
| 472 | -->'''Yahtzee's TV:''' Btw dem cunts be dead.\ |
| 473 | '''Yahtzee's Avatar:''' YOU IS DE CUNT! |
| 474 | * His metaphor of Creator/Nintendo as the first survivor killed in a ZombieApocalypse, Platform/XBox as the heroine, and [[Platform/PlayStation3 PS3]] as Creator/VingRhames, culminating in a VisualPun about the "tortured metaphor" with [[JackBauerInterrogationTechnique Jack Bauer]] at a computer. |
| 475 | [[/folder]] |
| 476 | |
| 477 | [[folder:50 Cent: Blood on the Sand]] |
| 478 | * "Remove your presumptions and we find ourself playing a game about an extremely rich man (who wears two hats for no adequate reason) destabilizing a developing nation in order to steal what little wealth it has for himself. Presumably to spend on fur coats made of diamonds to wear on stage while singing about how great he is." |
| 479 | * '''[[RunningGag NOT RACIST]]''' |
| 480 | * The credits blurb about the game being the story about how 50 Cent destabilized the Middle East and thereby caused the events of ''VideoGame/ModernWarfare'' series. |
| 481 | [[/folder]] |
| 482 | |
| 483 | [[folder:Resident Evil 5]] |
| 484 | * Yahtzee's hilarious rant about the ArtificialStupidity of his NPC sidekick. |
| 485 | ** "I let [Sheva] have the machine guns because I wasn't going to touch the bloody things. And there were moments when she was carrying five hundred bullets for them and was still using her ''fucking'' pistol all the time! She'd stand there pathetically picking away at the indestructible carapace of the [[GiantEnemyCrab giant crab monster]] of the moment. And when she was finished wasting pistol ammo, she'd run off to break some crates and nick some more before I could. It's like watching someone beat their fists against a wall and run off to hospital only to do it some more. [[EscalatingPunchline And they used my medical insurance. And it's my wall.]]" |
| 486 | ** "One time I was low on health -- but not too low -- and was about to use a small herb to keep myself going when I saw my partner coming towards me brandishing a valuable large herb. And when you're running away from your support character with more desperate terror than you feel for any of the actual monsters, something has definitely gone wrong somewhere!" |
| 487 | * "If you want to wear armor, that takes up a space too. You're carrying your armor in a pocket of your armor!" Queue a picture of Chris screaming "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" while he falls through infinite recurring armors. |
| 488 | * "But let's close this review with a revisit of that lovely matter of racism that's been hanging around like a bad smell. [=RE5=] actually does a lot to defer that accusation. Your partner is black ([[ButNotTooBlack a bit]]), quite a few whiteys are scattered throughout the early hordes, and real effort has been put into a somewhat realistic and sympathetic depiction of modern Africa. ''And then...!'' Halfway through the game, we suddenly find ourselves in [[UnfortunateImplications a succession of mud hut villages fighting crowds of jabbering black people in loincloths and war paint, chucking spears]]. ''Oh, dears!'' [[OutOfTheFryingPan Talk about sidestepping a pothole only to fall off a bridge]]. But one needn't be worried unless there's genuine hatred behind it, [[InnocentBigot and I don't get that impression]]. Creator/{{Capcom}} [[HanlonsRazor aren't bad people, they're just idiots!]]" |
| 489 | [[/folder]] |
| 490 | |
| 491 | !! 2009, Quarter 2 |
| 492 | [[folder:Halo Wars / [[spoiler:X-Blades]]]] |
| 493 | * The opening minute of the review, where some of the folks from ''WebVideo/{{Unskippable}}'' [[{{Crossover}} "hijack the feed"]] to give a viciously negative review of ''X-Blades'' before Yahtzee takes control back. |
| 494 | * TheStinger of the [[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/645-Halo-Wars review.]] [[spoiler: The imps discuss how tasty Pedigree Dog Food is. Yahtzee is not amused.]] [[AlternateCharacterInterpretation Alternatively]], [[spoiler:he just wanted his hat back]]. |
| 495 | * "Yes, it's real-time strategy; a genre which, as the whinier of my correspondence have repeatedly made me '''''[[SurprisinglyCreepyMoment very]]''''' much aware, I have neglected up to now." |
| 496 | * Let's not forget the awesome [[SelfDeprecation hypocritically humorous]] line that explains why he doesn't enjoy the RTS genre: |
| 497 | -->I'm a man's man, a courageous man who's not afraid to be out in the field looking my enemy square in the eye [[spoiler:through the scope of a high-powered sniper rifle from the next town over]]. |
| 498 | * The rant about his hostage units on EscortMission disappearing after the timer runs out: |
| 499 | -->"We lost contact!" went the character... [[PunctuatedForEmphasis BULL. FUCKING. SHIT.]] (the words "[[GoshDangitToHeck WHAT. ARBITRARY. SILLINESS.]]" appear in synchrony with his swearing). All possible threats were dead! We didn't lose contact -- I was looking at them -- They were RIGHT. FUCKING. THERE! They were so close we could communicate by '''waggling our eyebrows at each other'''! What the fuck happened when the stupid arbitrary time limit ran out!? Did their ''Film/BattleRoyale'' collars explode!? Did they lose honour and disembowel themselves? '''WHAT'''?!\ |
| 500 | And just to put the cherry on it, you know who they were? ''Absolutely bloody no one!'' Generic faceless ''pricks'' of the sort I'd vat-grown about ''fifty of'' that day alone! But we didn't make it in time, so they were going to make me do the '''''whole fucking mission again!'''''\ |
| 501 | As the exasperated Chinese zookeeper said to the last male panda in the world, '''FUCK! THAT!''' |
| 502 | ** It becomes about a million times more funny when you realise that this is the first -- and likely only -- time that Yahtzee has sounded seriously legitimately angry. Not jokey-acting anger, serious, honest to god "WHAT THE FUCK" anger. And it's '''[[InLoveWithYourCarnage beautiful.]]''' |
| 503 | [[/folder]] |
| 504 | |
| 505 | [[folder:Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars]] |
| 506 | * The ending to the review is pure genius: |
| 507 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' Just because you can have something doesn't mean you should: I can use a syringe to remove the filling from a Cadbury's Creme Egg and replace it with Branston Pickle, but it wouldn't be a good idea. At least I don't think so. Hold that thought.\ |
| 508 | ''[screen goes to standby mode showing Yahtzee and the imp playing tic-tac-toe on a chalkboard before Yahtzee goes berserk over one incident while the end credits are playing; scene returns to Yahtzee, now a complete mess, on his computer desk]''\ |
| 509 | '''Yahtzee:''' No, it really isn't. |
| 510 | [[/folder]] |
| 511 | |
| 512 | [[folder:Tom Clancy's H.A.W.X.]] |
| 513 | * Yahtzee admits he found the gameplay pretty entertaining, so he decides to rip on the ludicrousness of the story: |
| 514 | -->The PMC point out that the U.S. can't stop them doing private business dealings with whoever they want, and that's probably true. But then! They invade Washington, bomb the White House, and try to shoot down Air Force One. I'm pretty sure the US are within their rights to stop them doing that. Who the hell's running this company!? [[Film/TheManWithTheGoldenGun Scaramanga]]? Why would a PMC invade the US? What were they going to do after killing the President? Declare themselves king? And where were they hiding all the soldiers and hardware you'd need to wage war on a global superpower? The fucking moon!? |
| 515 | ** When the PMC attacking Washington is illustrated, a giant, bug-eyed Uncle Sam pops up behind them with a giant "OI!" |
| 516 | ** He then follow this up with this musing |
| 517 | --->I know that drama demands that the enemy actually be a plausible threat, but I still think it'd have been more credible if the enemy had been an army of disgruntled insect people from the Earth's core ''([[OverlyLongGag five]] [[{{Beat}} second]] [[OutOfCharacterMoment pause]])''... [[WesternAnimation/DrawnTogether WEARING SILLY HATS.]] |
| 518 | * When Yahtzee mentions that he is going to spoil the story, he asks any viewers who worry about spoilers to stick their head in a bucket and what for the "generic metal" of the credits sequence starts up. Said credits sequence shows imps standing around holding signs spoiling some of the biggest twists in movie history.: |
| 519 | -->[[Film/CitizenKane ROSEBUD WAS THE SLED]]\ |
| 520 | [[Film/SoylentGreen SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE]]\ |
| 521 | [[Film/PlanetOfTheApes1968 IT WAS EARTH ALL ALONG]]\ |
| 522 | [[Creator/BruceWillis BRUCE WILLIS]] [[Film/TheSixthSense IS DEAD]]\ |
| 523 | [[Film/TheUsualSuspects KEZER SOZE]] → ''[picture of Creator/KevinSpacey]''\ |
| 524 | [[Film/TheCryingGame THE GIRL HAS A WILLY]] |
| 525 | [[/folder]] |
| 526 | |
| 527 | [[folder:Siren: Blood Curse]] |
| 528 | * His praise of "Sightjacking" as an interesting concept, [[VisualPun portrayed as an eyeball]] masturbating. |
| 529 | * Another one of his odd metaphors crops up - "As the leper said to his mistress, 'Where's the bloody point?'" |
| 530 | [[/folder]] |
| 531 | |
| 532 | [[folder:Valkyria Chronicles]] |
| 533 | * His summarized feelings for [=JRPGs=]: |
| 534 | -->If you're new to this series, let me briefly summarize my feelings towards [=JRPGs=]: UUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEHHH RRRRAEEEEEEEUUUUUHHHH and every single one of them is about androgynous twelve-year-olds killing Satan. |
| 535 | [[/folder]] |
| 536 | |
| 537 | [[folder:Velvet Assassin]] |
| 538 | * Yahtzee imagines Violette Summer in a one-on-one match with the Nazi imp, ''VideoGame/StreetFighterII''-style: |
| 539 | -->...while ''VideoGame/VelvetAssassin'' does give you the opportunity to fight back or evade when you're spotted, ''[screen says, "FIGHT!"]'' they have assault rifles, you have a pistol, they have several friends, ''[other Nazi imps come over]'' you have a bad haircut, ''[Violette scratches her head with an "OhCrap" look]'' so they might as well just dump you to the load screen to try again for the [[EleventyZillion sixteen hyperbolillionth]] time. ''[while he is speaking, scene cuts to a dead Violette with her health gauge completely empty, and the words "sixteen hyperbolillionth time" appear in sync]'' |
| 540 | * He describes what it's like to be in [[BulletTime Morphine Mode]] |
| 541 | -->You can have one morphine syringe at a time, and when you use it, the enemies freeze in place, the world fills with mist, rose petals fall from the ceiling, and most of Violette's clothes fly off. There really needs to be a word meaning "artsy" in a way that's cool rather than gay. As... interesting... as the effect is, its only real purpose is a one-time [[TabletopGame/{{Monopoly}} Get Out of Fuck-Up Free card]], allowing you to swiftly delete one inconveniently alerted Nazi. Once you kill someone, you go back to reality, so if there was more than one alerted Nazi around, then the fuck-up remedy has instead resulted in what we experts call "boomerang fuck-up". |
| 542 | * His conclusion on the subject: |
| 543 | -->One thing's for sure, this definitely wasn't an American production, because if it was it would have ended with Hitler's volcano doom fortress sinking into the ocean while Violette watches from the deck of a nearby submarine with the orphan children she rescued from the underground genetics lab. Out of curiosity, I looked up the developers, and they're actually German! Which surprised me, because I heard that if you even mention the Nazis in Germany, then the government come over and set your house on fire. Between this and ''VideoGame/ValkyriaChronicles'', what's with all the World War II games being developed by the Axis forces? [[WhatIsThisX What is this, community service?]] |
| 544 | [[/folder]] |
| 545 | |
| 546 | [[folder: Bionic Commando]] |
| 547 | * Yahtzee’s two cents on the infamous “wife arm” reveal. |
| 548 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' Also, there’s a subplot about [Sam’s] missing wife, and the twist that resolves that subplot is officially the most retarted thing I’ve heard since I called the Walrus Hotline! |
| 549 | * [[ItMakesSenseInContext "Hookers don’t wear suits of armor… except at [=E3=]."]] |
| 550 | [[/folder]] |
| 551 | |
| 552 | [[folder:Duke Nukem Forever]] |
| 553 | * Oh Lord, it's difficult to pick just one part of this review as being funnier than the rest. It really must be [[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/748-Duke-Nukem-Forever seen to be believed]]. Some backstory: The game won Viewer's Choice on Yahtzee's Facebook page. Thing is, [[spoiler:the game wasn't actually out yet. The whole review is a big sarcastic joke about the game's [[DevelopmentHell ''long'' development cycle and has to be one of his best videos.]]]] Highlights include: |
| 554 | * The major changes the game goes through as it progresses: |
| 555 | -->I started the game first-person shooting at terrorists in a military complex, then four or five hours later I was in a restaurant on the Moon making ravioli for an incoming alien wedding party. And I honestly couldn’t tell you where any significant changes occurred in the intervening time! |
| 556 | ** Even better, in the accompanying visuals, you can see a sign that reads "CONGRATULATIONS [[AerithAndBob VL'HURG AND STEVE]]". In fact, for an extremely long time it provided the page image for AerithAndBob. |
| 557 | * The "fake" screenshots and trailers for the game: |
| 558 | -->But what really boggles my mind is the sheer amount of effort that went into the fake screenshots and trailers that were released throughout development to give the false impression that the game was an utterly generic brown FPS that any competent studio could have farted out in a year or two, and that the entire team were time-wasting cock sections with the work ethic of an ''overweight house cat with no legs''. |
| 559 | * Every single part of Yahtzee praising the game's control scheme: |
| 560 | -->Every single mode of gameplay in this extravaganza is controlled through an intuitive full body interface. You move Duke’s arms with the analog sticks and his legs with the shoulder buttons. So to walk forward you alternate pressing L1 and R1 and you’d be amazed how immersive that gets after a while. The buttons are used for facial expressions, so you press X to move your mouth, Triangle to pick your nose, and Square and Circle to wiggle your ears. These are all mostly used to endear yourself to the many rascally children you have to befriend, but they’re also used for problem solving, such as at the point where Duke is strapped to an operating table and needs to activate a crossbow someone left next to his head. Also for the first ten minutes or so you can also use the SIXAXIS to rotate Duke’s neck, but then there’s a hilarious [[BreakingTheFourthWall fourth wall breaking sequence]] where Duke bursts into the lead designer’s office and punches him in the stomach for being so fucking stupid. |
| 561 | * The game's dolphin races, which are portrayed on screen through an image of Duke racing a bazooka-wielding Adolf Hitler through the seas on dolphins. And Hitler's dolphin even has a Swastika! |
| 562 | * The game's amazing achievements, especially as [[spoiler: Yahtzee descends into an [[MotorMouth insanely fast]] LeaningOnTheFourthWall fuelled rant about the final achievement, which appears to hit a hit too CloseToHome]]: |
| 563 | -->It's difficult to pin down my favourite aspect of Duke Nukem Forever between the dolphin races and the gun that shoots dogs and the liberal use of full frontal nudity. But I think the achievements deserve particular mention. It’s not just the usual token achievement every time you beat a chapter and a big one at the end, ''No sir!'' Duke Nukem Forever makes you fucking work for your gamer score. There's the achievement for beating the final boss using only your ears; There’s the achievement for playing the whole game with the controller immersed in icy water; The achievement for placing a Wii Fit board in front of the TV and obliterating it with a croquet mallet; But the hardest one of all is [[spoiler:the achievement for turning off the console, leaving the house, meeting a nice girl, taking a sailing boat around the world, having three beautiful blonde children, and finally dying content with the knowledge that '' [[LeaningOnTheFourthWall you didn’t spend twelve years waiting for an utterly pedestrian sequel to a game that everyone stopped caring about around 1997]]'' '''''[[LeaningOnTheFourthWall to be released by a developer that makes John Romero look on the ball!]]''''']]. Which is a huge challenge because [[spoiler:[[ComicallyMissingThePoint if just one of those kids turns out brunette then you have to start all over again]]!]] |
| 564 | * It becomes even more apparent in the next section: |
| 565 | -->My one criticism for Duke Nukem Forever is that it comes on 14 [=DVDs=]. But I’d expect nothing less from a game with such a long development time! And every second is on display! And a good thing too, I mean hypothetically [[spoiler:if 3D Realms hadn't used the time to put together a titanic super game and had been merely jerking off for twelve years then it raises UnfortunateImplications. It means that not only can a studio be staffed entirely by howler monkeys but there are also investors, who probably consider themselves to be quite serious people, who will pay them to jump about and wee on things for over a decade, while talented people with great ideas for games are snubbed because they’ve never had dinner with John Carmack or whatever. And then when the monkeys present nothing more entertaining then a fistful of poo on a tray and they get sued for all their bananas, a bunch of extremely thick people, who still genuinely believe that something half decent could come out of this rigmarole, would say "That's tragic!" '''NO IT IS NOT TRAGIC!''' If you get sued because you were paid to do a job you didn't do, that's not tragic, that's how the world should be! And you are a magnificent retard who should have their brain taken away by social services!]] |
| 566 | ** The best part is that when he mentions [[spoiler:getting paid to do a job you didn't do]], the visuals show [[spoiler:The Escapist's logo walking up to Yahtzee, showing him a piece of paper that reads "CONTRACT: REVIEW [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial ACTUAL GAMES]] [[LeaningOnTheFourthWall THAT EXIST]]'' and then taking away Yahtzee's desk.]] |
| 567 | * The ending of the review, and subsequent credits: |
| 568 | -->But anyway, the point was [[spoiler:[[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial I’m just glad I don’t live in a world where such scenarios exist]]. Now I better stop here because I promised Jimi Hendrix that we’d go pony trekking under the sea.]] |
| 569 | ** And then the credits show [[spoiler:him and Jimi Hendix riding seahorses under the sea, Kimi Hendrix putting on an underwater performance and then getting blown up from a missile launched from a Yellow Submarine.]] |
| 570 | [[/folder]] |
| 571 | |
| 572 | [[folder:The Second Annual E3 Hype Massacre]] |
| 573 | * Yahtzee's diagram explaining why he believes it makes the most logical sense to be pessimistic: |
| 574 | -->Don't get excited + Game is arse = Smug self-satisfaction\ |
| 575 | Don't get excited + Game is good = Pleasantly surprised\ |
| 576 | Get excited + Game is good = All is well\ |
| 577 | Get excited + Game is arse = '''''SUICIDE''''' |
| 578 | * While conducting [[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/779-The-Second-Annual-E3-Hype-Massacre his second annual overview of games previewed at E3:]] "''VideoGame/FinalFantasyXIV''! I feel that anything I could say would be repeating myself, so I'm just going to express my feelings with a strangled noise from the back of my throat: Aughhghhghghhghghhghghggh." |
| 579 | ** What's even better is that he continues doing that over the end credits music, even attempting to keep with the tune. |
| 580 | *** Made better still when he realizes the "epic guitar solo" ending is coming up. You can hear him very quickly say "Fuck" before inhaling and bracing for impact. |
| 581 | * "First thought, why the fuck does Sonic the Hedgehog need a car? Second thought, why the fuck does Sonic the Hedgehog need to still exist?" |
| 582 | * Yahtzee struggling to come up with a witty zinger towards ''VideoGame/{{Bayonetta}}'': |
| 583 | -->More like, 'Hey, yo' betta not play this game-' OH, FUCK YOU!" |
| 584 | [[/folder]] |
| 585 | |
| 586 | [[folder:Prototype]] |
| 587 | * Yahtzee starts off by comparing the two games’ plot: |
| 588 | -->''[PROTOTYPE]'' loses several million points right out of the gate by being about a guy about amnesia, and it only goes downhill from there. ''[=inFAMOUS=]'' keeps things nice and straightforward: magic ball gives everyone superpowers, everyone wants magic ball, go find magic ball, psychic trash robot. It does things comic book-style, which is probably the right way to go when you’re dealing with science so soft, you could spread it on a croissant. ''[PROTOTYPE]'', meanwhile, has more of a disaster movie conspiracy thriller feel to it, that gets so confusing that they had to put in an entire gameplay mechanic based around eating the brains of people who might know what the fuck is going on! |
| 589 | * When comparing the protagonist of ''Prototype'' to that of ''Infamous'': "I had to laugh at a moment when I was on a mission, plowing a tank through a crowded street, and over the agonized screams, Alex said: "Gawrsh, I sure hope this is the right thing to do!" It's like if Series/MrBean were a mass murderer." |
| 590 | ** "A sandbox is only as good as the method by which you get around it, and Cole has a tendency to get bogged down with climbing, while Alex can shoot blood out of his wrists at jet engine velocity and ''fly'', like emo Peter Pan." ("THINK WHINY THOUGHTS") |
| 591 | * After ending up with a tie, Yahtzee decides to declare the better game by whose developer sends him the best picture of the other game's protagonist in a bra. |
| 592 | ** Made funnier by the fact that [[https://www.escapistmagazine.com/yahtzees-prototype-vs-infamous-challenge/ Sucker Punch and Radical actually went through with it.]] |
| 593 | [[/folder]] |
| 594 | |
| 595 | !! 2009, Quarter 3 |
| 596 | [[folder:The Sims 3]] |
| 597 | * Yahtzee's attempt at "being professional" with the review. |
| 598 | -->Oh boy, ''The Sims 3''! It's like ''The Sims 2'' but plus another one! ''(ding)'' |
| 599 | * "This may sound a bit hysterical, but ''The Sims 3'' is probably the most evil game in the world." |
| 600 | * At the beginning he says he's reviewing this game because ''VideoGame/GhostbustersTheVideoGame'', which he'd rather be reviewing, hasn't been released in Australia yet. |
| 601 | -->My future self will probably be playing it by the time this video goes out, but ''fuck'' my future self, he's got something against me ever since he started putting on weight.\ |
| 602 | [Present Yahtzee starts eating a doughnut roughly a quarter the size of his body, causing the gut of Future Yahtzee to jut out, much to the latter's dismay.] |
| 603 | [[/folder]] |
| 604 | |
| 605 | [[folder: Red Faction: Guerrilla]] |
| 606 | * The start of this review, which is presented with a somewhat [[TroubledBackstoryFlashback grimly-humourous toned fairy tale]] narrating Yahtzee's StartOfDarkness: |
| 607 | -->Once upon a time, [[UsedToBeASweetKid a fresh-faced youngster]] saved up all his pennies and brought his first [[Platform/PlayStation2 PS2]]. And with it, he bought a game called [[Videogame/RedFaction Red Faction 1]]. And after rushing home to play he discovered that Red Faction 1 was not a very good game. Actually, it was total shite on a crusty roll. And on that day something changed in that optimistic youth. He realised that for all the pomp and excitement of a new console generation, there will always be [[UsefulNotes/{{Shovelware}} shite]]. And no amount of emotion engines can un-shite the shite. [[WhenItAllBegan Thus began his downfall into the black, emotionless, flinty-hearted creature you see before you.]] |
| 608 | ** Which is immediately followed by him [[DisproportionateRetribution ready to tear the game a new one for his childhood misfortunes]]: |
| 609 | --->You know when [[Film/ConanTheBarbarian1982 Conan the Barbarian]] watched his village being destroyed as a kid and twenty years later gets the opportunity to avenge himself on the guy who did it? That's kind of where I'm at right now. So here it is: a game about a bunch of twats doing shit no one cares about! |
| 610 | [[/folder]] |
| 611 | |
| 612 | [[folder:Silent Hill 2]] |
| 613 | * "Combat feels like pulling your own teeth out, but then the main characters of the first four games are, respectively, a writer, a clerk, a teenage girl, and a twat." |
| 614 | * "...and the level of [[FishEyes doofy the doofuses exhibited]] make it hard to take seriously. |
| 615 | * "Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaames Sunderland." |
| 616 | * "It's a fascinating voyage of pain and despair that leaves you emotionally drained and satisfied, like [[CrossesTheLineTwice fucking a burning dolphin]]. |
| 617 | * The [[RuleOfSymbolism symbolism]] bit. |
| 618 | -->"Everything is drenched in symbolism! The basic monsters are all suspiciously effeminate, with the exception of Pyramid Head, in his first appearance ([[WolverinePublicity before he totally sold out]]) - an uber-masculine powerhouse repeatedly seen [[FreudWasRight plunging his massive throbbing knife into the other monsters' moist, quivering bodies]], which obviously symbolizes ''[{{Beat}}]'' [[BaitAndSwitch neoconservative imperialism.]]" ''[Pyramid Head stabs one of the monsters, labeled "Iran"; his knife is labeled "pre-emptive warfare", PH himself is labeled "The West",'' ''[[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking and his helmet is labeled "Pyramid Thing"]]]'' |
| 619 | [[/folder]] |
| 620 | |
| 621 | [[folder:Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood]] |
| 622 | * Every time the party blower comes out in the ''[[VideoGame/CallOfJuarezBoundInBlood Call of HWAREZ]]'' review. |
| 623 | ** "...and no, for some reason, I cannot pronounce '''[[InsistentTerminology Hwarez]]''' any differently..." |
| 624 | ** "This may surprise you, but[[spoiler:--" ''(party whistle)'']] |
| 625 | ** The bit during the ''VideoGame/SilentHill2'' review with the party blower coming out of Yahtzee's hat. And the look of shock coming from Yahtzee as a result. |
| 626 | * His frustrations at being forced to partake in wild west style gun duels, wishing for a button he labels on-screen as 'non merci' but describes like this: |
| 627 | -->Why can’t I just press a button marked “Fuck Off” that makes my idiot brother sneak up behind them and smash a chair over their head? |
| 628 | [[/folder]] |
| 629 | |
| 630 | [[folder:2.5D Hoedown]] |
| 631 | * The distraught level designer in the 2.5D Hoedown who follows him around crying with "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" taking up the entire top third of the screen. |
| 632 | * The subversion of JustForFun/XMeetsY at the end. |
| 633 | [[/folder]] |
| 634 | |
| 635 | [[folder:Tales of Monkey Island]] |
| 636 | * Yahtzee's terrible-Irish-accent half of the review of ''VideoGame/TalesOfMonkeyIsland'' was [[CrossesTheLineTwice painfully hilarious]]. Chances are good that you may find it funny even if you are Irish. |
| 637 | [[/folder]] |
| 638 | |
| 639 | [[folder:Wolfenstein (2009)]] |
| 640 | * "[[VideoGame/{{Wolfenstein|2009}} It's so obnoxiously safe and committee designed]] that any attempt to critique it in my normal manner would be equally as dull. ...so that why I've decided to review it ''[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHnYFP73MKE in Limerick form]]''". |
| 641 | [[/folder]] |
| 642 | |
| 643 | [[folder:Batman: Arkham Asylum]] |
| 644 | * While describing the game's combat: "{{Press X to|NotDie}} [[SubvertedTrope KICK ASS.]]" |
| 645 | * Yahtzee notes how Batman’s cape makes it hard to see where you’re landing, leading to him accidentally killing a mother cat - complete with mourning kittens. |
| 646 | * "Another tool in Batman's arse...enal is the Detective Vision; I guess you can't call it 'Bat-Vision', then it'd be a black screen." |
| 647 | [[/folder]] |
| 648 | |
| 649 | !! 2009, Quarter 4 |
| 650 | [[folder:Scribblenauts]] |
| 651 | * "...But as I tapped the block to break it, it shifted slightly, and I clicked the background and ''fuck'', it was like my character had been waiting all day for me to do do that. He flung his pick into the air and started jumping up and down like he wanted to be a cloud when he grew up." |
| 652 | * "''{{VideoGame/Scribblenauts}}'' comes to us from 5th Cell Media, a bunch of work-shy cheaters whose most notable previous title is ''VideoGame/DrawnToLife'', a game so unfinished that the player had to do half the art design themselves [...] After ''VideoGame/DrawnToLife'' they wanted to prove they're not above drawing stuff themselves, so they drew every single object on Earth. Talk about overcompensating!" |
| 653 | [[/folder]] |
| 654 | |
| 655 | [[folder:Wet]] |
| 656 | * The opening line: |
| 657 | -->"There's a school of gaming that thinks games need to be more cinematic -- a school where they have to put padding on every solid surface and none of the students are allowed near anything sharper than a crayon." |
| 658 | * "Wet - the title refers to "wet work," meaning assassinations - '''''[[HehHehYouSaidX AND NOTHING ELSE.]]'''''" |
| 659 | * This particularly hilarious line: |
| 660 | -->"The main character is Rubi, a tomboyish assassin who is about as likeable and sympathetic as a deep-sea angler fish in an SS uniform." |
| 661 | ** "She's arrogant, rude, surly, psychotic, selfish, greedy, joyless, and really rather ''[[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking dim]]''." |
| 662 | *** "She also thinks swearing is wit. ''[[SelfDeprecation That's my thing!]]''" |
| 663 | * The utter lampooning of terrible gaming ideas scattered throughout ''{{VideoGame/Wet}}'''s design through use of the game programmer "Pillock," who does everything to please the octopus in his brain, and causes his boss to be DrivenToSuicide. |
| 664 | -->At this point, the game designer's boss says, "Okay, that's the combat. What other gameplay mechanics will there be?"\ |
| 665 | "Well!" replies the game designer, whom I will name Pillock, "How about, on some of the levels, everything goes all red and black and cel-shaded?"\ |
| 666 | "Er, no," says Pillock's boss, nobody's fool but his own, "that's just the same gameplay mechanic in pretentious arty bullshit-o-vision."\ |
| 667 | "Oh, right! I misunderstood you at first," replies Pillock. "There's also some ''Franchise/PrinceOfPersia''-style platforming sections, but you know how in ''Prince of Persia'' it was always clear where you were supposed to go and what was a ledge and what wasn't? Well, I think we should do the exact opposite of that and occasionally plunge important platforms in total darkness so you have to make leaps of faith like it's ''[[Film/IndianaJonesAndTheLastCrusade The Last Crusade]]''."\ |
| 668 | "That sounds good," says Pillock's boss. "Actually, no, that sounds awful. And why is your head bandaged?"\ |
| 669 | "Also," continues Pillock, "every now and again, during a cutscene, a button will flash up and if you don't press it fast enough you have to start the cutscene all over again because of global flobal wobbly bits."\ |
| 670 | "Those are called [[PressXToNotDie Quick-Time Events]]," says Pillock's boss with increasing concern, "and they're the worst idea in the world."\ |
| 671 | "I know it's the best idea in the world!" says Pillock. "So I'm just going to make a load of those instead of boss fights, and the final climactic level will just be an extra-long sequence of them because trying to be creative makes blood come out of my nose."\ |
| 672 | "I'd better go now," says Pillock's boss, making motions towards the exit and eventually a phone to call the police.\ |
| 673 | "Wait!" yells Pillock, banging his head against the desk for attention. "What about special challenge modes where you have to get around a training course in a certain time?"\ |
| 674 | "That's actually not a bad idea," says his boss, stopping at the door.\ |
| 675 | "I know!" says Pillock. "That's why I'm going to occasionally force the player to complete one during Story Mode for no apparent reason except to appease the octopus that lives in my head."\ |
| 676 | Then Pillock's boss goes away and throws himself in front of a train, although it was stopping at the station so he pretty much just makes a fool of himself. |
| 677 | * "global wobal wobbity bits" |
| 678 | * His TakeThat of Rule of Cool gunplay: |
| 679 | -->The gunplay is based around Rubi's ability to [[GunsAkimbo automatically shoot one enemy while manually aiming with the other gun,]] which is an effective gameplay mechanic, but it only works when [[LeapAndFire she's leaping through the air]] or [[WallRun wallrunning]] or [[GunFu sliding along the ground like she's being carried along by an army of beetles.]] And at all other times she forgets that [[DualWielding she's holding more than one gun,]] so apparently she's got an air-cooled brain. It's most reminiscent of Stranglehold, and has the same problem that game had. [[RuleOfCool Yes, it's kind of thrilling when]] [[Creator/JohnWoo Inspector Tequila]] ''(depicted as an actual bottle of tequila)'' [[GunFu dives sideways]] in [[BulletTime slow motion]] shooting dual pistols while [[DisturbedDoves doves fly out of his ass,]] but when he does it [[WillingSuspensionOfDisbelief 50 times in a row you start to wonder if he has some kind of inner ear-disabling, dove-shitting medical disorder]]. ''(Tequila is depicted sitting on the examination table in a doctor's office; he farts and a dove files out of his ass)'' |
| 680 | [[/folder]] |
| 681 | |
| 682 | [[folder:Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story]] |
| 683 | * A dog ''randomly gets rocketed out of his DS''. |
| 684 | ** Not entirely random--just the scene prior his avatar had been saying "Out, out!" to [[{{Squick}} a horrible mental image]] as Yahtzee-as-narrator described 'another bizarre bit,' and apparently between those two something in the handheld obliged him in the most hilarious way possible. |
| 685 | *** One presumes the dog's name would be [[Theatre/{{Macbeth}} Spot]]. |
| 686 | * "...unless you're some kind of recently unfrozen neanderthal and this is your first experience with electronic media, in which case: '''''RARRGH!''' Submit your soul to the one-eyed demon!''" |
| 687 | [[/folder]] |
| 688 | |
| 689 | [[folder:Uncharted 2: Among Thieves]] |
| 690 | * Yahtzee continues to characterize Nathan Drake as a racist sociopath who hides behind a personable mask: |
| 691 | -->Drake is generically handsome beneath his strategically placed grime and inexplicably green designer stubble, supernaturally athletic despite his ceaseless grunts of exertion and retarded gibbon arm-flailing jumping technique, and constantly spouts appalling wit and panicky self-effacements in the hope that you don't notice that he is a remorseless career thief who kills more foreigners than malaria, although having rid the world of blacks, Asians and Latinos in the last game he has now moved on to non-American whites.\ |
| 692 | ''(cue Nathan Drake chasing around a panicking Russian man screaming "NYET!" at the top of his lungs)'' |
| 693 | ** This then followed up him noticing the game once gain borrowing from ''Film/NationalTreasure'' by giving Drake, who is the game's Creator/NicolasCage, his very own Creator/SeanBean, "who to his credit almost goes a whole hour before turning out to be the bad guy." |
| 694 | * This comment on the unlockable "No Gravity" mode: |
| 695 | -->You see, [the game] is so opposed to the concept of newness it feels it has to defy Sir Isaac ''New''ton. [[LamePunReaction Blimey]], [[SelfDeprecation that was tortured]]. |
| 696 | [[/folder]] |
| 697 | |
| 698 | [[folder:Dragon Age: Origins]] |
| 699 | * "I'd like to see a Tolkienesque fantasy where the humans ''aren't'' the biggest pricks in the room. I mean, a lot of my friends are humans, and some of them are all right." |
| 700 | ** "HELLO, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE." |
| 701 | * He compliments the game for returning to the traditional fantasy class choice of FighterMageThief when other games try to appear new by having classes named things like "Peacekiller," "Shadowhumper," and "Gerop't'kov," so the player needs "a fucking glossary on hand." |
| 702 | [[/folder]] |
| 703 | |
| 704 | [[folder:Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2]] |
| 705 | * Yahtzee summing up the controversial "No Russian" level: |
| 706 | -->So in case you don't already know (and statistically that means you live on one of the moons of Jupiter), an early mission in the game has you join a small group of Russian terrorists gunning down unarmed civilians in Moscow airport, but it's okay because A) you're really an undercover CIA agent and B) you don't actually have to kill anyone; you can hang back and pretend your arthritis is flaring up, and C) they're Russian civilians and who gives a shit about them? |
| 707 | ** The last point is illustrated by the frontpage of a newspaper called "Western News" with the headline "[[AC:Some Foreigners Get Killed Somewhere]]" and the byline "[[AC:Sucks To Be Them]]". |
| 708 | * The commentary of the SerialEscalation the game does when it comes to the story: |
| 709 | -->"Unimpressed by our controversy, are you?" says Infinity Ward. "Well suck on this: Russia invades America. Bam!" Remember how, in my ''H.A.W.X.'' review, I said that in today's enlightened times modern-day war games never tie the baddies directly to a foreign power when there are loads of perfectly good terrorist groups and PMCs that no one cares about offending? Well, MW2 skullfucks all that with an American flag wrapped around a baseball bat, and the whole thing plays like the violent delusions of a Cold War fantasist with his head stuck in a lathe. |
| 710 | [[/folder]] |
| 711 | |
| 712 | [[folder:Assassin’s Creed II]] |
| 713 | * The episode starts with Yahtzee's mangling of a saying familiar to Europeans (and ''[[Webcomic/HetaliaAxisPowers Hetalia]]'' fans): |
| 714 | -->[...] In heaven [[HollywoodCuisine the food is Italian]], [[UsefulNotes/BritishCoppers the police are British]], [[VideoGame/PrinceOfPersiaTheSandsOfTime the platformers are French]], [[VideoGame/SeriousSam the shooters are Croatian]], and it's all run by two international software giants and an electronics corporation. [[ForeignQueasine In hell the food is British]], [[VideoGame/TooHuman the shooters are Canadian]], [[{{Metaphorgotten}} and I forget the rest]], but basically the gist of the saying is that [[NationalStereotypes Italians are all tossers]]. |
| 715 | * Yahtzee's recap of the events of the first Assassin's Creed: |
| 716 | -->It recounted the adventures of Desmond the future-y man and favorite candidate for the blandest sentient lifeform in the universe competition as he uncovered a global conspiracy by diving into the racial memories of Altair, the Medieval pasty man, an Assassin with the ability to turn completely invisible when sitting on benches looking serious, hampered since birth with a unique genetic deformity that makes him [[SuperDrowningSkills water-soluble]]. |
| 717 | * The game's fast-travel system, here depicted as Ezio being shot out of a cannon. |
| 718 | [[/folder]] |
| 719 | |
| 720 | [[folder:Demon's Souls]] |
| 721 | * Describing a boss fight with what he describes as a giant cow pat: "Anyway, I eventually managed to return the monster to cow pat hell..." (showing him GolfClubbing the cow pat followed by it landing next to a sign saying [[TakeThat "Welcome to Sussex"]].) |
| 722 | [[/folder]] |
| 723 | |
| 724 | [[folder:Holiday 2009]] |
| 725 | * [[spoiler:"Oh, what the fuck are you doing here? It's Christmas, haven't you got families to resent? This is my one week off, I'm going on holiday."]] |
| 726 | ** [[spoiler:"... That's ''summer'' holiday, by the way. Hope that northern hemisphere's weather's working out for you."]] |
| 727 | [[/folder]] |
| 728 | |
| 729 | ! 2010 Episodes |
| 730 | !! 2010, Quarter 1 |
| 731 | [[folder:Awards for 2009]] |
| 732 | * "The Everything-Proof Shield Award for Most Obstinate Refusal to Die"; |
| 733 | -->[After explaining why he does not give the award to Mario] --so instead I'm giving it to [[TakeThat Michael Atkinson]]; a South Australian Attorney-General who continues to ensure that half the games get banned or censored, and whose ancient, black, dried-up little heart still manfully strives to keep him alive in the face of the searing waves of hatred that are broadcast to him from all over the nation AND the world, every second of every day. Well done, you ''[[SophisticatedAsHell miserable old fuck]]!'' |
| 734 | [[/folder]] |
| 735 | |
| 736 | [[folder:Darksiders]] |
| 737 | * When complaining about {{Wangst}}y, [[TestosteronePoisoning testosterone-poisoned]] protagonists: |
| 738 | -->If I were War and I just hoisted a seven-foot demon into the air and chopped it in half with a single swing, I wouldn't stand there scowling. I'd go, "Fucking hell! Did anyone just see that!? I am squirting machismo out of my ''nipples'' over here! I am a ''monster truck'' that walks like a ''man''!" |
| 739 | * The whole beginning of the review as well: |
| 740 | -->Well bugger my bumblebee's breadbin! First weeks of Twenty-Ten are going to be fun, aren't they? ''VideoGame/{{Darksiders}}'', ''VideoGame/{{Bayonetta}}'', ''VideoGame/DantesInferno'', and ''VideoGame/GodOfWarIII''... ''God of War'' ripoff, ''God of War'' ripoff, ''God of War'' ripoff, and... Well, ''[[ShapedLikeItself God of War]]''. |
| 741 | * And while we're at it, the part we're he reveals ''VideoGame/{{Darksiders}}'' shameless rip-off of ''Franchise/TheLegendOfZelda'': |
| 742 | -->I don't think [borrowing from Legend of Zelda]'s the case, thought. To say ''Darksiders'' "borrows heavily" implies they did some work of their own. A better phrase would be "Completely Rips-Off with about much shame and emotion as the fucking [[Series/StarTrekTheNextGeneration Borg collective]]"! I appreciate that taking elements from a good game that work well and play around with menu scenarios isn't a bad way to design games, but when you have a boomerang that can hit multiple targets, a grappling hook that pulls you to climbable walls, and puzzle dungeon about deflecting beams of light with movable mirrors, we've moved from simple "homage" to the territory of "spraying a stolen car and re-selling it to the owner"! Thankfully the last dungeon introduces a gadget that has never been in a Zelda game: [[VideoGame/{{Portal}} A gun that opens blue and orange portals]]!'' ... '''Outstanding'''. |
| 743 | * "...The main character looks like someone sat down, started drawing him, ''and then never fucking stopped.'' [...] What War looks like is a fucking coral reef on legs." |
| 744 | * "Here are the combos you will need to know to master ''Darksiders'': the Chump Chop ('Square'), the Double Chump Chop ('Square'+'Square'), and the Whipped Cream Genocide Brouhaha ('Square'+'Square'+'Square')." |
| 745 | [[/folder]] |
| 746 | |
| 747 | [[folder:Bayonetta]] |
| 748 | * His mental breakdowns over the utterly complex plots of the game in question and, get this, ''[[VideoGame/PacMan Pac-Man]]''. |
| 749 | -->Eat pills, avoid ghosts... only sometimes you can eat the ghosts as well if you-- AUGH! |
| 750 | * Speaking of VideoGame/{{Bayonetta}}, his British 'immunity' to her. |
| 751 | -->Fortunately, being [[BritishStuffiness English]], and [[LieBackAndThinkOfEngland therefore utterly repulsed by the slightest sexual urge of myself and everyone around me]], I am immune from any callous attempt to touch my heart via my wrinkly undercarriage, and VideoGame/{{Bayonetta}} looks about as sexy to me as a pencil stuck through a couple of grapes. |
| 752 | * The series of {{Freudian slip}}s the make a lie of that last comment. |
| 753 | [[/folder]] |
| 754 | |
| 755 | [[folder:Dark Void]] |
| 756 | * The 'Inspiration-o-meter'. |
| 757 | * The bloody jetpack-related deaths of Yahtzee are so BloodyHilarious (no pun intended). |
| 758 | * ''VideoGame/DarkVoid'' is "a game that ran out of something. Maybe it was money, or time, or will[[note]]Creator/WillSmith's face[[/note]], or employees, or maybe a giant monster frog demolished their studio while battling Franchise/{{Godzilla}}." |
| 759 | * "''VideoGame/DarkVoid'' started off pretty rocky, but between the rocks I caught a glimpse of something beautiful with cleavage that could hold up a fucking Christmas tree. But once I'd caught up with it and we'd started making out, all its teeth fell into my mouth and gave me scurvy." |
| 760 | [[/folder]] |
| 761 | |
| 762 | [[folder:Borderlands]] |
| 763 | * Describing Borderlands as an "FPS RPG [[FunWithAcronyms (OMG)]]". |
| 764 | * Yahtzee's depiction of a USB glove controller for MMORPG fans, [[SchmuckBait where you get one experience point every time you punch yourself in the face]]. |
| 765 | * [[InsistentTerminology Referring]] to the game's setting as "[[Film/{{Avatar}} Pandora-no-not-that-one]]". |
| 766 | * "Interface 101: the less clicks, the better." [[CrossesTheLineTwice (Shoots a dolphin)]] |
| 767 | [[/folder]] |
| 768 | |
| 769 | [[folder:Mass Effect 2]] |
| 770 | * The resource harvesting: "Which is as interesting as it sounds, and it sounds like this: '''BWUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH...'''" |
| 771 | ** The description of "the Creator/BioWare face" [[GoingThroughTheMotions problem]] has to be seen: |
| 772 | --->Hello Commander Shepard (wave-hand), I heard you might show up today (nod-head), how 'bout those freaky aliens, eh? (shake-fist, grr-grr, slightly racist undercurrent) |
| 773 | ---> Shepard's response: (Paragon) You should learn to respect other cultures. (Renegade) RAAR! SHEPARD SMASH!!! |
| 774 | * Preceded by Creator/BioWare no longer scoring points for writing. |
| 775 | --->Birds fly, fish swim, [[BreadEggsMilkSquick Michael Atkinson molests dogs]], and Creator/BioWare games have good writing. |
| 776 | [[/folder]] |
| 777 | |
| 778 | [[folder:Dante's Inferno]] |
| 779 | * On the game’s ViralMarketing: |
| 780 | --> "[...]I'd rather go to the hell for the wrathful than the hell for people who work in the [[Creator/ElectronicArts EA marketing department]], [[TakeThat which I'm pretty sure is the EA marketing department]]." |
| 781 | * Yahtzee refers to the KarmaMeter system in terms of [[VideoGame/MassEffect renegading or paragoning]] lost souls for either meter, and later on comments on the pointlessness of it all: |
| 782 | -->"So what's the point of having two different experience levels?" you ask. "Well, it's like my right hand on a Sunday night," I say. "Why's that?" you ask. "IT BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF ME!" |
| 783 | [[/folder]] |
| 784 | |
| 785 | [[folder:Bioshock 2]] |
| 786 | * "Grr, your selfless compassion fills me with murder frenzy!" and his above comments about how playing as a Big Daddy is a bit like "making a sequel to ''VideoGame/HalfLife'' where you get to play as a gun turret." Complete with a diagram of the controls. |
| 787 | ** Could be more HilariousInHindsight, seeing as one of the characters in ''VideoGame/{{Portal 2}}'''s co-operative mode is a robot adapted from a turret. |
| 788 | * Yahtzee talks about the convoluted story: |
| 789 | -->Your quest ''[Big Daddy reads a "to do" list]'' is to rescue your [[DamselInDistress Little Sister]], now just a plain old Normal-Sized Sister, who can communicate with you and the other Little Sisters telepathically, ''[portrayed by the imps with pink bows]'' a plot point that kind of hopes to slip by unnoticed but which you then grab and pull back by one of its dangling threads. ''[while he speaks, an imp walks along before Yahtzee strings it up]'' How can she do this? Is this because of ADAM, or did she just wish upon a star? Oh, it's for convenience, I see. ''[as he speaks, the spirit of the Little Sister holds up a sign that says, "Save my fat ass", before a spiritual VaudevilleHook yanks her away]'' Anyway, your psychic hotline friend is to be the victim of a procedure that will combine all the great minds of Rapture into one person, and how the fuck does that work? Wouldn't her head need to be about six foot across? ''[cue the Little Sister's giant head]'' I think ADAM has become the equivalent of the Force in ''Franchise/StarWars'', all-purpose cavity plot insulation. |
| 790 | * "Instead of playing [[VideoGame/PipeMania Pipe Dream]] for half-an-hour at every turn, you do a pseudo-quicktime event for a few seconds instead, ''["Press X for Staff Discount"]'' [[ARareSentence and apparently the universe is about to explode]], because the quicktime events have actually ''improved'' the game." ''[cue the [[YourHeadASplode Yahtzee avatar head exploding]]]'' |
| 791 | [[/folder]] |
| 792 | |
| 793 | [[folder:Aliens vs. Predator]] |
| 794 | * The opening of the review: |
| 795 | -->Aliens vs. Predator is one of those concepts you're probably not supposed to think too much about, especially not the title. Surely they're both aliens, and come to think of it they're both predators, too. Perhaps a more explanatory title is necessary, like ''Big Dribbly Black Thing That Likes Eating Creator/LanceHenriksen and Has a Head That Makes You Wonder About What Sort of Relationship Creator/HRGiger Had With His Father vs. Big Clicky Invisible Thing with a Crab for a Face That Always Seems to End Up Getting Beaten Up By Big Stupid Lads Wearing Dirty Pants''. |
| 796 | * Also, his description of the ''Franchise/{{Alien}}'' formula: |
| 797 | -->Aliens take over facility, Marines get sent in to take care of it the same way that bits of bread get sent into ponds to take care of the ducks. And there's inevitably some stupid, evil business/military guy who wants to harness the Aliens, and the more times this happens the more evil and stupid they get: "Okay, so the last 60 evil, stupid guys who tried to control the Aliens all got their brains spread on cream crackers and served as canapes at the Alien hoedown, but I think their problem was just not being evil and stupid enough" |
| 798 | * Concerning combat against Aliens while controlling a Predator: |
| 799 | -->It plays like a hack'n'slasher that was designed by a pilchard. (Picture shows a exasperated pilchard at a computer saying FUCK YES). |
| 800 | * Yahtzee's frustration at the humans' seeming ignorance of what a Predator is despite numerous previous encounters has him wondering why none of the other survivors didn't at least mention it on their [=LiveJournal=]. This is illustrated with a man with Predator claws stuck in his skull, sitting at a computer and typing, "Dear Diary: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA". |
| 801 | [[/folder]] |
| 802 | |
| 803 | [[folder:Heavy Rain]] |
| 804 | * The review starts out with Yahtzee in a difficult position: |
| 805 | |
| 806 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' I can’t help but feel I’ve come in the wrong door. I’m a game critic, you see, and ''Heavy Rain'' is a game in the same way that Ian Thorpe is a salmon. Okay, they both splash about in water, but you’d be embarrassed if [[BlackComedyCannibalism you tried to make mousse out of Ian Thorpe.]] I could pass it on to a film critic, but I already know what one would say; "Why is this film 10 hours long? Why do I have to hold this curious V-shaped piece of plastic? [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking If I just say “it’s great”, will you quote me on the poster?]]" I think we need an whole new kind of critic for ''Heavy Rain'', critics of "interactive storytelling experiences", or "wankers", as they will come to be known. As it happens, all we have on hand is a game critic, which is a shame, because as a game, it’s a stack of poo-poo pancakes garnished with Ian Thorpe mousse. |
| 807 | [[/folder]] |
| 808 | |
| 809 | |
| 810 | [[folder:Battlefield: Bad Company 2]] |
| 811 | * He actually mentions Haggard's Truck-o-saurus Rex from the first game in it. |
| 812 | * His description of the game also warrants a mention: "VideoGame/ModernWarfare Modern Warfare click click jabber jabber hello bang dead" |
| 813 | * “I mentioned dust earlier, and I’m going to mention it again. '''''Dust!'''''” |
| 814 | [[/folder]] |
| 815 | |
| 816 | [[folder:Final Fantasy XIII]] |
| 817 | * "As a highly respected and successful game critic—SHUT UP, I AM!" |
| 818 | * Yahtzee's criticism of the main character: |
| 819 | -->Anyway, after a brief fight -- which being in control of would have been nice -- the gameplay begins. And the game starts as it means to go on by making you run down a linear corridor. This may be a weird thing to pick up on, but the main character's footstep noises are very, very loud. ''[with a "clop clop clop"]'' [[Film/MontyPythonAndtheHolyGrail It's like someone's running along just out of shot banging coconuts together.]] I wonder if I'll stop noticing it over time.\ |
| 820 | ''['''Hour 2:''' By then the small "clop clop clops" become the big "CLOP CLOP CLOPS"]''\ |
| 821 | ''[Yahtzee's avatar looks at a card]'' Nnnnnnope! |
| 822 | * "So far, I've established that the two lead-ish characters are named Lightning and Snow, which are both things that could ruin a picnic. There's also another guy called Hope, as in, 'I Hope we can get these sandwiches back in the car before any Snow or Lightning happens.'" |
| 823 | ** Followed by the Music/SpiceGirls names for the protagonists: |
| 824 | --->"It seems we're already assembling the usual Final Fantasy character archetype pick-and-mix. There's Angsty Spice, Serious Spice, Manly Spice, Ethnic Spice, and, of course, the inevitable Kooky Spice, who deserves special mention, because the kookiness of the prerequisite kooky character has now reached some kind of singularity. Her actions don't seem to have any connection to sentient thought or social context. It's like she's got Alzheimer's or something." |
| 825 | * QUACK |
| 826 | * "This [[TheScrappy Hope]] guy has been established from the start as a whiny, weak, inept, cowardly, socially retarded mummy's boy, so presumably, [[ThisLoserIsYou he's the character most of the audience are meant to project onto]]." |
| 827 | * "I know what you're gonna say: 'Yahtzee, please take your dick out of my eye socket!’" |
| 828 | * "...there's a paradigm system that lets you change the AI behavior in battle, but I still feel my grip on events is rather loose, and it all feels about as involving as Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots." ''[imp punches Sazh’s head off like a Rock 'em Sock 'em Robot]'' |
| 829 | * Yahtzee lays down the EightDeadlyWords: |
| 830 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' You know why this game is on three discs? Not because it's a complex roller coaster of an epic. It's because it's padded like a menstruating firehose. I've spent the entirety of the last five hours running down three different linear corridors. if this were Modern Warfare, I'd have curb-checked every terrorist in the free world by now. The central plot element has only just been introduced! I only vaguely know what the story's about because I made myself read all that ancillary textlog bullshit. ''(increasingly angry)'' This is ''not'' good storytelling! You're supposed to ''weave'' exposition into the narrative, '''''not hand the audience a fucking glossary as they walk into the theatre!'''''\ |
| 831 | \ |
| 832 | Some people have told me that FFXIII [[SlowPacedBeginning gets good about 20 hours in]]. You know that's [[ComplimentBackfire not really a point in its favor]], right? Put your hand on a stove for 20 hours and yeah, you'll probably stop feeling the pain, but you'll have done serious damage to yourself. The story is paced like an ant pushing a brick across a desert, the characters are either completely unlikeable or act like they're from space, and the art design is like a painting of a fireworks display: lots of garish color and flash, but take one step to the side and you'll see it's completely two-dimensional. |
| 833 | * "[[TheStinger I checked and yep,]] [[RuleThirtyFour there’s already erotic fanart of the FF13 characters]]" |
| 834 | [[/folder]] |
| 835 | |
| 836 | !! 2010, Quarter 2 |
| 837 | [[folder:Just Cause 2]] |
| 838 | * "A game name like Just Cause is absolute gold for the reviewer, since it can mean both "(a) just cause", a righteous agenda, or the phrase "just (be)cause", a dismissive explanation of whimsical or reckless behavior." Cue the imp using a flamethrower to torch the cake. |
| 839 | ** "Next week on "How to Be a Video Games Journalist," digging out your higher brain functions with the end of a ballpoint pen." |
| 840 | * Yahtzee uses a lot of {{Cute Kitten}}s through the episode, especially in the credits. HilarityEnsues. |
| 841 | ** "Asking players to go into a sandbox game and cause chaos and destruction is like asking a cat to lie on somebody's face while they're trying to sleep." |
| 842 | * "You unlock story missions by doing the side missions, and you unlock side missions by blowing shit up, so the fucking around is what holds everything together, like the chocolate around a Twix. It's just that the rest of the Twix has been chewed up a bit and gobbed back onto the plate, ''[imp chews up the Twix then barfs it onto the plate like that]'' 'cause the actual missions are rather slapdash. ''[cute the game clutching the "mission" labels and running around shouting the [[ClusterFBomb Cluster S-Bomb]]]'' The worst part of the game is the stronghold missions, which are required to unlock more territory, because they're all as routine as brushing your teeth: break into a base, 2, 3, give everyone a bullet pasty, 3, 4, shoot down a helicopter and bam! Let the Kentucky Fried Revolution open for business. Applaudable in a way; making wanton destruction boring takes some real effort." ''[Yahtzee falls asleep as the TV explodes]'' |
| 843 | * "...since the chopper pilot sounds like a freshly lobotomized [[WesternAnimation/LooneyTunes Yosemite Sam]], I'm ready to stuff my herniated eardrums down the voice actor's throat." |
| 844 | * "Some might say that's enough. Some might say I'm too hard to please. But some can shut their fucking mouths." Accompanied by the heckling Imps being ''chased by a tiger.'' |
| 845 | * In the same (surprisingly positive) review, he portrays main character [[VideoGame/JustCause2 Rico]] as a fearsome wizard with almighty control of physics. [[ArtisticLicensePhysics He might not be too far off the mark.]] |
| 846 | [[/folder]] |
| 847 | |
| 848 | [[folder:Silent Hill: Shattered Memories]] |
| 849 | * "''[[{{Pun}} Shuttered Mammaries]]'' is technically a remake of ''VideoGame/SilentHill1'', in the same way a dog biting off your dick is technically foreplay." With animation of a dog tugging on a long black bar protruding from Yahtzee's crotch with the word "YUM" written on it while Yahtzee stands there doing nothing except for [[MajorInjuryUnderreaction widening his eyes]], the dog finally separating it from his body and walking away with it leaving a trail of blood, and Yahtzee staring after the dog with a big heart floating over his head. |
| 850 | * ''Shuttered Mammaries'' gives you a psychological analysis based on your playing choices [caption: YOU'RE A PRICK] and told Yahtzee he was "fastidiously clean and tidy" (besides trying hard to ignore the rubbish piling up in the kitchen), "family-oriented" (living on the other side of the world from them and never writing) and "possibly crap in bed". "[{{Beat}}] ...moving on..." |
| 851 | * "And some of the characters wear different clothes. I don't find that red dress particularly intimidating, but - oh fuck, a pink dress, ''shit's gettin' real!''" |
| 852 | * His description of the blue-tinted Dark World resembling "the night God drank his Slurpee too fast" accompanied by an image of God clutching his head in agony and screaming "FUCK". |
| 853 | [[/folder]] |
| 854 | |
| 855 | [[folder:Splinter Cell: Conviction]] |
| 856 | * [[invoked]] The critique of the IdiotPlot and how the villains are TooDumbToLive. |
| 857 | -->Note that Sam only finds out about the conspiracy after it sends thugs to kill him, so the baddies said to themselves, "Hey, the one guy who could threaten our operation is in a different country and isn't the slightest bit interested in our stupid conspiracy. ''Fuck that'', let's go shoot at him!" |
| 858 | [[/folder]] |
| 859 | |
| 860 | [[folder:[=NieR=]]] |
| 861 | * "Before the game tells you his name it asks you if you can come up with a better one, and thus began the adventures of Twattycake, defender of the innocent." |
| 862 | * "The other members of your party are an angsty leprechaun version of [[WesternAnimation/TheNightmareBeforeChristmas Jack Skellington]], and an angsty lady, whose angst apparently stems from a question mark hanging over the whole 'lady' thing, or should i say, hanging under." |
| 863 | [[/folder]] |
| 864 | |
| 865 | [[folder:Dead to Rights: Retribution]] |
| 866 | * "In case you never played the first game here's a [[RunningGag Dead To Rights Recap]]: BANG PUNCH BANG PUNCH BANG PUNCH WOOF!" |
| 867 | * "Let's just hope it doesn't end up Dead To Rights: Retarded. That would be Dead To Rights: Regrettable." |
| 868 | * About the [[DesignatedHero Protagonist]]: |
| 869 | -->I feel Jack is following the letter rather than the spirit of the law. A law completely unique to Jack Slate, given to him by some kind of [[AxeCrazy mad]] ocelot god [[GreatGazoo only he can see]]. |
| 870 | * About the takedowns: |
| 871 | -->You slap around the enemy enough and he'll get disoriented. Press a button and both he and Jack you'll get transported to a little pocket dimension where ''pain is God, and Jack Slate is'' '''pope'''! |
| 872 | * And the conclusion: |
| 873 | -->I even have a good name for a sequel. Dead to Rights: Really. Really, really, really... really, really, really... ''Dumb''. |
| 874 | [[/folder]] |
| 875 | |
| 876 | [[folder:Monster Hunter Tri]] |
| 877 | * Yahtzee doesn't get most [=JRPGs=]. Not the sex games though. ''Those'' he understands. Even the visual novels. |
| 878 | * The proper title for ''VideoGame/MonsterHunter Tri'': |
| 879 | -->But I guess calling it ''"Hunter/Gatherer of Innocent Young Dinosaurs Pathetically Mewling Their Last as the Memory of Their Mother's Warmth Drifts Away to Be Replaced by the Unforgiving Coldness of"''... oh fuck it, let's just call it: '''"YouBastard"'''. |
| 880 | * "You can play the game with the Wii-mote and nunchuk in the same way you can technically compete in a fencing competition using only your erect penis." (complete with the image of a guy's "DADDY" cut off by said fencing opponent.) |
| 881 | [[/folder]] |
| 882 | |
| 883 | [[folder:Alan Wake]] |
| 884 | * Yahtzee pointing out that the game has such a boner for the works of Creator/StephenKing that ''literally the first words the narrator says'' when you start the game are "Stephen King." |
| 885 | * ''VideoGame/AlanWake'' has a side-quest where you collect pages of manuscript about the story you're currently playing. Alan picks up one which reads "Then Alan was savaged by the biggest and most sexually frustrated bear that has ever lived." The bear then appears behind him with a big censor bar on its crotch reading "GENTLE BEN!" |
| 886 | [[/folder]] |
| 887 | |
| 888 | [[folder:Red Dead Redemption]] |
| 889 | * Yahtzee goes on a rant about how all the vehicles in GTA IV [[TheAllegedCar handling like complete ass]], culminating in: |
| 890 | -->"All right then, motherfucker," says Rockstar. "Let's just set GTA a hundred years ago so you don't have to drive motorised vehicles at all. Are you happy now?" To which I reply, "[[GoodBadBugs my horse appears to be lodged in a wall.]]" |
| 891 | ** Turns into a BrickJoke at the end: |
| 892 | --->In summary, ''Red Dead Redemption'' is a beautiful looking, beautifully written, beautifully atmospheric timesink. And if a timesink is all you want, then Christmas has come early... on a glitchy horse that's stuck in a wall." ''[imp arrives on a buggy horse dressed as Santa Claus]'' |
| 893 | * "The lion's share of the game is spent watching a horse's arse bob up and down through an empty wilderness like a big, hairy apple on a string, as the prairie isn't as densely populated as Liberty City. Not with humans, anyway. ''[a guy holds a sign that says "I will suck your dick" while a tumbleweed blows off in the breeze and a roaring tiger comes up behind him]'' And let me vent how frustrating it was when I stopped to hunt some pigs after riding for an hour from the last save point, ''[horse does an EyeTake and says "Jesus Christ!" the entire time]'' only to be blind-sided and insta-killed by a mountain lion who mistook me for a small, antlerless moose in a duster coat. |
| 894 | * Yahtzee complains about the buggy controls: |
| 895 | -->I hate action games where you have to hold down a button to run, ''[game says, "Harder, you pussy!"]'' because there's no such thing as a casual firefight, where you're free to mosey nonchalantly into cover. But when you also have to tap the button to sprint, I think that's just deliberately trying to upset me. It's so easy to overshoot, you have the most tremendous difficulty walking up six-inch steps, and even turning around is arduous. I lost count of how often I'd slam into the side of a doorway, turn around, try again, and slam into the other side. It's like I'm controlling someone who's riding a fucking unicycle or (more appropriately) drunk. And when your character ''is'' drunk, it's like controlling someone who's drunk on lead-based paint... fired into their face with a shotgun. ''[TV says, "[[PressXToNotDie Press X to have a cocksucking cowboy.]]"]'' |
| 896 | * "The horse physics aren't much better. Most missions have you riding side-by-side with another character, and the trails are so narrow I swear those guys ''[depicted by an imp]'' are trying to run me off the road, all the while blithely chatting about humanist philosophy." |
| 897 | ** "And horseback chases lack the intensity of car chases, when the maximum speed wouldn't startle a nervous fawn (which is, incidentally, about the most hazardous thing that might get in your way)." ''[cue John running over an EyeTake fawn]'' |
| 898 | * "Sometimes [=NPCs=] will get caught in weird quantum singularities, and [[OurCentaursAreDifferent flicker in and out of a parallel universe where men have merged with horses]]. Sometimes John's walk animation fails, and he glides merrily around like he's on rocket skates. At one point his love of his country got the better of him, and I had to reboot, to stop him humping a mountain." |
| 899 | * The list of things Yahtzee calls the game: ''Grand Theft Horse IV'', ''Brown Alive Redemption'', ''Blue Poo Atonement'', ''Green Spleen Submarine'', and ''[[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Purple Monkey Dishwasher]]''. |
| 900 | [[/folder]] |
| 901 | |
| 902 | [[folder:Alpha Protocol]] |
| 903 | * Thornton being "[[AddedAlliterativeAppeal The Ponciest little Ponce that ever ponced past the Poncing Parlor]]". |
| 904 | * The whole bit with the trousers. |
| 905 | * The visuals depicting ''VideoGame/AlphaProtocol'''s "incomprehensible miasma" of a plot. |
| 906 | [[/folder]] |
| 907 | |
| 908 | [[folder:Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands]] |
| 909 | * Yahtzee claims the ''Prince of Persia'' film is shit despite intending to never see it. |
| 910 | -->You should never be too proud to pre-judge, as my prosecutor used to say. ''(shot of Yahtzee in court, covered in blood and holding a sign that says "I love murdering people")'' |
| 911 | * Yahtzee points out how a film and video game of the same franchise being released so close to each other looks suspicious when both are trying not to look like each other. |
| 912 | -->''Forgotten Sands'' seems to be consciously trying not to look like something that was rushed out to capitalize on the film. Which is a shame, because it totally does. And it totally was. |
| 913 | [[/folder]] |
| 914 | |
| 915 | [[folder:E3 2010]] |
| 916 | * The prediction about what Microsoft's Kinect might turn out like: |
| 917 | -->So everything will be fine until a wasp gets in the room, and then your character will promptly throw all their grenades away and pummel a chair! |
| 918 | [[/folder]] |
| 919 | |
| 920 | !! 2010, Quarter 3 |
| 921 | [[folder:Super Mario Galaxy 2]] |
| 922 | * About the standard Mario ExcusePlot setup: |
| 923 | -->[...] the plot of many Mario games can be enlivened somewhat by assuming that "cake" is the Mushroom Kingdom word for "sex"; The Princess invites Mario over for some... ''cake'', but Bowser kidnaps her so she can make some... ''cake'' for him instead, only now he's five hundred feet tall and emperor of the universe, so she'd better make sure her "''cake''" is spread ''quite'' wide. |
| 924 | * "See people, this is why we need to introduce a constitutional monarchy! Wark wark!" |
| 925 | * The text adventure bit. |
| 926 | -->You are a greasy Italian spaz standing on a platform unsupported in the yawning void of space.\ |
| 927 | What now?\ |
| 928 | '''>DIE OF ASPHYXIATION'''\ |
| 929 | [[YouCantGetYeFlask You can't do that (somehow).]]\ |
| 930 | What now?\ |
| 931 | '''>JUMP'''\ |
| 932 | You jump, emitting a hearty vocalization like a flamboyant homosexual being goosed while breathing helium.\ |
| 933 | '''>AGAIN''' |
| 934 | [[/folder]] |
| 935 | |
| 936 | [[folder:Singularity]] |
| 937 | * "And naturally, the plot ends up with more holes than [[Music/TheBeatles Blackburn, Lancashire]]. If all the history after 1955 gets changed, then why am I still in the present? How do all the other characters know that history was changed? Actually, [[HandWave they do explain that]]: someone left a note. Now, I don't know about you, but I'd like to think of myself as credulous enough to not form international secret societies at the behest of time-travel conspiracy theories on random pieces of paper. It'd be like seeing some bathroom graffiti and forming a religion around 'Big Hank'." |
| 938 | [[/folder]] |
| 939 | |
| 940 | [[folder:Crackdown 2]] |
| 941 | * "''Crackdown 2'' seems to subscribe to the school of thought that having a multiplayer focus lets you skimp on content (see also Lost Planet 2 and that horrible ''VideoGame/UnrealTournament''/''VideoGame/QuakeIIIArena'' period in shooters that ''VideoGame/HalfLife'' thankfully rescued us from). To go back to this analogy, having a Jacuzzi by yourself is nice, if a bit indulgent, but add more people and now you're sharing everyone's filth and have to be careful you don't put your hand on anyone's dick." |
| 942 | * The bit about the online multiplayer: "Joining random online games is like walking into an aviary full of nitrous oxide and trying to play scrabble with the kookaburras while they stand around having sex with your mum." |
| 943 | [[/folder]] |
| 944 | |
| 945 | [[folder:[=DeathSpank=] & Limbo]] |
| 946 | * Yahtzee begins by making a MadLibsDialogue version of 1 Timothy 6:10: |
| 947 | -->They say that [[BeamMeUpScotty money is the root of all evil]][[note]]It's actually "The love of money is the root of all evils."[[/note]], but somehow I doubt [[GodwinsLaw Mrs. Hitler was being]] [[CargoShip impregnated by a roll of Deutsche Marks]]. The saying works better if you replace "money" with "rich businessmen in tight suits who won't even put twenty cents in a gumball machine if they can't expect a return of investment" and "evil" with "bland, samey action-adventure clones kneeling on the bed of a dried-up watering hole licking the dirt for moisture." (And "is" with "are," if we want to be grammatically correct.) |
| 948 | * "'''VideoGame/DeathSpank'' is that particular breed of parody that basically just does all the same things as [[Franchise/FridayThe13th the kind of thing it's parodying]], but occasionally points to itself and goes: "Hey, everybody, look!" (Then the Wayans brothers make [[Film/ScaryMovie a parody of that full of bodily fluids and pop culture references]], and the collective IQ of the general public drops another precious notch.)"[[note]]''Scary Movie'' pees on ''[=DeathSpank=]''[[/note]] |
| 949 | * When Yatzee reviews ''VideoGame/{{Limbo}}'', the background goes DeliberatelyMonochrome and the characters are shadows, while it's getting fun to see the same characters get decapitated. |
| 950 | * The ending: |
| 951 | -->The final question, I suppose, is which of the two games I recommend most. Well, if you're rich enough to patronise the arts now and then, put on your tuxedo, uncork some pricey Chablis, and experience for yourself an evening of ''Limbo''. But if you're more in the market for a bulk-buy economy brand kind of entertainment,[[note]]imp sees boxes of foods, including its TrademarkFavoriteFood, dog food[[/note]] then order out for a barbecue meat lover's with a two-liter coke and try [=DeathSpank=]. Alternatively, if neither option appeals and you'd prefer something bland and unchallenging, then why not try eating a ''dick''! |
| 952 | ** In the credits, the big-headed kid sees a trap door and hops over it, only to accidentally hit a skull-and-crossbones sign that acts as a lever that drops a big iron weight to squish him. |
| 953 | [[/folder]] |
| 954 | |
| 955 | [[folder:Shadow of the Colossus]] |
| 956 | * One of Yahtzee's few complaints is how often Wander's grip runs out after getting to a Colossus's weak point. "You can increase your grip gauge by shooting arrows into lizards in the overworld, which strikes me as incredibly arbitrary, like swatting a fly at work and getting inexplicably better at photocopying." |
| 957 | [[/folder]] |
| 958 | |
| 959 | |
| 960 | [[folder:Split/Second: Velocity]] |
| 961 | * [[InsistentTerminology "Split Stroke Second Colon Velocity"]] |
| 962 | * About driving games in general: "I like them, but I'm terrible at them. It's the exact opposite of the problem I have with fellatio." |
| 963 | ** Driving in real life: "I doubt things would be easier to get around if I was six feet wide and constantly farting carbon monoxide. I don't know how {{your m|om}}um does it." |
| 964 | ** The early proto-man, working on the wheel and threatened by woolly mammoths; "Yes, life was tough in [[UsefulNotes/MargaretThatcher Thatcher's]] Britain." |
| 965 | * "And I think if you're ''that'' rich, you're beyond needing video-games for entertainment. You probably get your jollies by buying two poverty-stricken pregnant women, and telling them that neither of them are getting out of the arena alive until [[DeadBabyComedy one has eaten the other's fetus]]. |
| 966 | [[/folder]] |
| 967 | |
| 968 | [[folder:Transformers: War For Cybertron]] |
| 969 | * “Several billion light-years from the nearest relatable character…” |
| 970 | * At the end: |
| 971 | -->There, you may now e-mail me to explain in close detail how the death of Optimus Prime was your generation's ''{{Theatre/Othello}}''. |
| 972 | [[/folder]] |
| 973 | |
| 974 | [[folder:Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days]] |
| 975 | * On the game's cameraman: "And when you try sprinting, ''Christ!'' It's like his kneecaps have been replaced with ''slinkies!''" |
| 976 | ** The accompanying illustrations depicting an InUniverseCamera man named "Brian" who eagerly runs around behind the titular duo, and Kane telling Lynch to "Just pretend that he's not here." |
| 977 | * "...after playing for the four or five hours necessary to complete it, ''[TV says, "Press Sta-" before the scene cuts to the TV throwing out confetti and saying "Well done"]'' it gave me a headache like I'd been skullfucked with Pinocchio's splintery todger." |
| 978 | * Yahtzee explains the reason the game sucks: |
| 979 | -->Why? Because it's boring, it's overdone and I feel sorry for the artists. ''[Yahtzee sleeps on top of the "W" for the giant "WHY?", followed by three sleeping imps, and then a sad artist in a beret]'' |
| 980 | * "In all fairness, ''Kane & Lynch 2'' does occasionally pretend to be a stealth game, the kind of stealth game where every enemy on the map becomes alerted to your exact position the moment one guard ''[portrayed by an officer imp]'' spots half an inch of your pimply bum. You know, the shit kind of stealth game. At all other times, it's got nothing but same old cover-based shooting and technically doesn't even have that. I thought the prerequisite of cover combat is that when you're in cover the enemy can't shoot you, but Kane and Lynch beg to differ. You think they'd be better at tucking their heads in, what with all the time they spend sniffing their own farts." |
| 981 | * Yahtzee's take on the story: |
| 982 | -->Kane and Lynch, gritty realism's answer to ''Creator/LaurelAndHardy'' (if Laurel occasionally forgot to take his meds and shot the hostages), are in Shanghai for an arms deal and while idly passing the time shooting some locals (in a very gritty, realistic way) accidentally kill someone they shouldn't have ''[they see a dead imp they accidentally shot]'' and provoke the most powerful man in China. ''[portrayed by an imp wearing a crown and riding on a Chinese dragon that [[BreathWeapon spits out fire on the duo]], making them run in fright]'' Ho ho, will those bumbling ninnies ever do anything right? |
| 983 | ** "From there, the plot is like a recent car accident victim: staggering back and forth with bits of windscreen in its face for a while before finally collapsing and bleeding out into a roadside ditch. Kane and Lynch fight off various flavours of heavy, then more show up, ''[a lot of imps show up in cluster form]'' then they swear at each other, then the camera man takes another pull of cheap whiskey, repeat." |
| 984 | * His remark at the very end of the review was also incredibly funny, especially when you start to hear his voice develop a rather serious growl to it, like Yahtzee was slipping out of his ZP persona and delivering a criticism of the game out-of-character while at the same time sounding like he was shouting the line. |
| 985 | -->Kane and Lynch 2 sucks so many dicks that it now breathes ''spunk'' '''instead of air'''!! |
| 986 | [[/folder]] |
| 987 | |
| 988 | [[folder:Mafia II]] |
| 989 | * "We all agree Prohibition was a stupid law, right? So why is it socially acceptable to [[BritsLoveTea crave a nice cup of tea in the morning]] or [[SmokingHotSex a cigarette after a knobbing]], but the moment I try to pound half a kilo of smack into my eyeballs everyone thinks there's something wrong with me?!" Accompanied by a female imp in bed next to Yahtzee visibly freaking out when he produces a syringe ''as big as his entire body'' and jabs it into his eye. |
| 990 | * "''VideoGame/MafiaII'' [[ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin is a game about the mafia.]] They were going to call it ''Quest for the Sausage Fountain'', but you know how people are, you have to spell everything out." |
| 991 | * Every mention of "fast whores" is accompanied by a female imp flying about at high speed. |
| 992 | * The various comparisons of the gameplay to a boring office jobs, such as "filing bullets under faces". |
| 993 | ** "...Then at the end of your shift, the game instructs you to drive straight home with nothing to do but [[GottaCatchThemAll collect]] ''Magazine/{{Playboy}}'' centerfolds that the adult equivalent of the EasterBunny has left lying around, before having [[HyperactiveMetabolism a quick sandwich]] and a wank before bed. Some people have said this should be [[OopNorth judged]] as an interactive drama rather than a game, but this only works if the drama repeatedly switches between two different theaters that are five-minutes drive from each other." |
| 994 | [[/folder]] |
| 995 | |
| 996 | [[folder:Metroid: Other M]] |
| 997 | * While talking about the development team, Team Ninja: "...''VideoGame/DeadOrAlive: Extreme Beach Volleyball'', or, as it's sometimes known, ''[[BestKnownForTheFanservice BOING!]]''" |
| 998 | * "Of the many expressionless drones Robo-Samus excretes from her mouthpipe, roughly a hundred percent of them are clarifications of things that a narcoleptic retard could have already guessed!" ''[imp falls asleep from her drone]'' |
| 999 | * Also from that review, his hilariously accurate impersonation of Samus' [[DullSurprise monotone voice]] and [[CaptainObvious constant tendency to state the bleeding obvious]]. |
| 1000 | -->'''Samus:''' ''(in a monotone voice)'' From Adam's stern expression, constant swearing, and repeated kicks to my face and stomach, I realized he must have been a bit upset about something.\ |
| 1001 | '''Adam:''' WILL YOU FUCKING EMOTE?! |
| 1002 | ** ''And'' his suggestion that they get '''Creator/BrianBlessed''' to voice Samus... and how that ''still'' wouldn't work because [[WhoWritesThisCrap the writing in general is agonizingly awful]], a point he demonstrated by comparing it to someone in an old folks' home doing the monthly stocktake of their inventory of oatmeal... and then getting '''Creator/BrianBlessed''' to do that. |
| 1003 | --->'''Creator/BrianBlessed: NNNIIIIINE''' |
| 1004 | * Yahtzee imagines the names and personalities of the Galactic Federation 07th Platoon: |
| 1005 | -->'''Bob:''' Eats chips\ |
| 1006 | '''Jim:''' Has teddy\ |
| 1007 | '''Ed:''' Wanks daily[[note]]And after Jim turns evil and decapitates him, Ed's personality description naturally changes to "[[CaptainObvious Is dead]]"[[/note]]\ |
| 1008 | '''Mel:''' Big ears\ |
| 1009 | '''Ron:''' Secret gay\ |
| 1010 | '''Zebedee:''' Nice ears |
| 1011 | * "So do you want to know who the traitor turned out to be? [[LeftHanging So the fuck would I! 'Cause the game kinda forgets about this whole sub-plot and hopes you do too.]]" |
| 1012 | ** On a more meta note: "On a educated guess, though, the evil guy was probably the one with the evil mustache" becomes much funnier when said character actually ''is'' the most likely one to be TheMole. |
| 1013 | [[/folder]] |
| 1014 | |
| 1015 | [[folder:Amnesia: The Dark Descent]] |
| 1016 | * The 3 types of horror games: |
| 1017 | -->You see, there are three kinds of horror games: First, there's the kind where you're in a dark room and a guy in a spooky mask jumps out of a cupboard going "abloogy woogy woo" -- that would be your ''VideoGame/{{Doom 3}}''. Then there's the kind where the guy in the spooky mask isn't in a cupboard but standing right behind you and you just know he's going to go "abloogy woogy woo" at some point but he doesn't and you're getting more and more tense but you don't want to turn around because he might stick his cock in your eye - that would be your ''VideoGame/SilentHill2''. And then there are horror games where the guy in the spooky mask goes "abloogy woogy woo" while standing on the far side of a brightly lit room before walking slowly over to you plucking a violin and then slapping you in the face with a t-bone steak -- that would be your ''VideoGame/DeadSpace''. |
| 1018 | * The TakeThat he gives to the enemies from ''Dead Space'': |
| 1019 | -->[The Dark Descent] has actually got pacing, unlike ''Dead Space'', where all the monsters ''[depicted by imps]'' are so fucking thrilled to be working, they fight each other for screen time. |
| 1020 | * His description of his thought process during his first encounter with one of the scary monsters in ''Amnesia: The Dark Descent'': |
| 1021 | -->Dum-de-dum. Well, this isn't very scary. Oh, look, physics! I can throw chairs about like a removal man who's completely stopped giving a shit. Doors suddenly blowing open in the wind? Yawn-o-rama! Guess I'll just look around upstairs and then might as well play ''VideoGame/HaloReach'' for a bit. Nope, nothing much up here either. I'll just go back and-- whoa, what was that thing I just glimpsed running down a hallway? I don't know, but it looked cross about something, so I think I'll go down this other hallway instead. Oh, it's blocked. Guess I'll turn around and-- [[JumpScare WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!?]] ''WHAAAA! RUN, RUN, RUN! I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN TO MESS YOUR CHAIRS UP! OH, PISSING BLIMEY,'' '''''THERE'S JAM COMING OUT OF THE WALLS!''''' |
| 1022 | * Also, this gem: |
| 1023 | -->The entire backstory is neatly encapsulated in the title - you have [[LaserGuidedAmnesia amnesia]], that old video game storytelling chestnut. ''[Yahtzee's avatar is lying in a hospital bed with a doctor consulting a chart]'' If adventure games were a medical condition, the first symptom would be amnesia, and the second would be {{kleptomania|cHero}}. ''[Yahtzee makes off with the bed]'' |
| 1024 | * Regarding the sanity meter, depicted by the boring face guy on one end and the same boring face guy painted up like ComicBook/TheJoker on the other: |
| 1025 | -->[Amnesia: The Dark Decent] implements a sanity meter, as if sanity is like diesel oil or something and you can get a reading on it by sticking a dipstick in your ear. And as so often the case, the main effect of losing your sanity is that the screen goes all blurry and weird, as if the first thing anyone does when they go insane is lose their contact lenses. Hanging around in the scary darkness depletes sanity because apparently we're five years old, but staying in the light makes it easier for monsters to see you, creating a toss-up between not getting a headache from wibbly-wobbly camera filters and not ''being murdered''. ''[imp bites Yahtzee on the head]'' |
| 1026 | * "''Amnesia'' understands that a monster stays scary the less you see of it, so if you ever hang around long enough to get a good look at the ugly Cenobite rejects, then your face will be torn off and repurposed as a tea cozy before you can say 'Cthulhu fhtagn.'" |
| 1027 | * "[[ItMakesSenseInContext CATCH THE FUCKING EGG!]]" |
| 1028 | * Another one: |
| 1029 | -->I wouldn't say it's a ''great'' game. The level design reflects its independent origins; it's really just a sequence of small environments with little connectivity, each with one or two self-contained, simplistic puzzles. Yeah yeah, wander around a corridor maze, find puzzle item, use on puzzle, unlock door to next area, [[BreadEggsMilkSquick get devoured by cosmic monstrosity]]. Blah de blah. |
| 1030 | * He closes it out by calling the game a [[BringMyBrownPants good constipation aid]]. |
| 1031 | [[/folder]] |
| 1032 | |
| 1033 | !! 2010, Quarter 4 |
| 1034 | [[folder:Halo: Reach]] |
| 1035 | * "The very first image in the game is a brief flash-forward depicting your helmet lying discarded in the dust of battle-scarred terrain. What the fuck do you think happens in the end? Your character gets thrillingly and climactically ''gets a little bit hot?''" |
| 1036 | * Yahtzee's opening rant about Halo's lack of seat belts. |
| 1037 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZzjsbIMGaI&feature=BFa&list=PL9F1FFC7B1BCCEFA1 "This might sound a bit weird, but 'hoerdy goerdy bobbley boo.'"]] |
| 1038 | [[/folder]] |
| 1039 | |
| 1040 | [[folder:Dead Rising 2]] |
| 1041 | * "Just as before, you have a certain amount of time to kill before rescue, with timed events occurring at fixed points, and I had to restart the game at one point because the time limit on a critical boss encounter ran out while I has halfway through the fucking thing. ''[timer says, "YOU FU:CK:ED UP" while Yahtzee is being chased by an imp with a chainsaw]'' How the hell did the boss make their escape while I was watching them wind my lower intestines around a candyfloss machine, ''Dead Rising 2''?" |
| 1042 | ** Yahtzee also says that the dodge roll he had gained through his second attempt "would have been nice about three hours ago when the giant pink chainsaw was sliding bloodily in and out of my newly-created chest vagina." ''[while he's speaking, an imp impales the Yahtzee avatar with the chainsaw]'' |
| 1043 | * About Yahtzee's time with the survivors: |
| 1044 | -->...from a certain point onwards a surprising number of survivors refuse to follow you until you pay them money. Oh, okay, I'll just leave you inside that zombie's mouth for an hour or two while I go find an ATM. Sorry, survivor, I forgot: did you say you wanted money or to be punched in the face with flaming boxing gloves? Because those I've got. |
| 1045 | * The conclusion: |
| 1046 | -->Perhaps a romance could blossom that will last a lifetime if you discover a similar taste in weapons and women's clothing, but what we don't want to know is what you'll do on the first date. ''[said date being Yahtzee driving around in a car with his WholesomeCrossdresser date standing on top of the back seat and getting ready to chainsaw an imp going "WOOOOOOOO"]'' |
| 1047 | [[/folder]] |
| 1048 | |
| 1049 | [[folder:Castlevania: Lords of Shadow]] |
| 1050 | * "...wondering if one could improve every ''Castlevania'' game by replacing Dracula with the Count from ''Series/SesameStreet'', though probably not ''Symphony of the Night'' because you'd have to rename Alucard "Teerts Emases Morf Tnuoc Eht" |
| 1051 | ** The joke comes back again in the credits, reading: |
| 1052 | --->ONE miserable little secret! TWO miserable little secrets! [[MemeticMutation A PILE of miserable little secrets!]] Ah-ha-ha-ha! |
| 1053 | * "Who the fuck rips off ''VideoGame/ShadowOfTheColossus?!'' That's like cock-slapping the Mona Lisa!" |
| 1054 | * Yahtzee states that the clearest sign he knew he'd hate the game was when it made a ''VideoGame/{{Portal}}'' ShoutOut [[DiscreditedMeme in 2010]]. |
| 1055 | --> If ''Portal'' had the comedic value of a perfectly timed fart, then Portal references at this stage are a [[OverlyLongGag fart that has been going on for six or seven minutes]], [[NauseaFuel and now the stench in the room is causing bouts of spontaneous vomiting]], and a [[{{Squick}} strange, blood-flecked liquid is dripping]] from the [[{{Gasshole}} perpetrator's]] [[BodyHorror anus]]. |
| 1056 | [[/folder]] |
| 1057 | |
| 1058 | [[folder:Enslaved: Odyssey to the West]] |
| 1059 | * "So while ''Literature/JourneyToTheWest'' was about an arrogant monkey king who is forced to learn discipline by escorting a Buddhist monk on a pilgrimage, Enslaved is about a bloke [[GroinAttack slapping robots in the dick]]. [[InNameOnly But his name is Monkey]], so that's alright then." |
| 1060 | [[/folder]] |
| 1061 | |
| 1062 | [[folder:Fallout: New Vegas]] |
| 1063 | * Yahtzee decided to roleplay his game experience with this review, complete with the sassy 50's jazz music playing in each interlude between the days spent in the game world. |
| 1064 | ** Yahtzee: "This is a roleplaying game, so let's motherfucking roleplay!". |
| 1065 | --->Woke up in a doctor's office with some guy telling me I've been shot in the head and may have suffered brain damage, but I've learned not to trust the opinion of giant, mustachioed spider-people; so I made my excuses and left. |
| 1066 | * His descriptions of his misadventures in the [[VideoGame/FalloutNewVegas Mojave]]. |
| 1067 | -->So after loading myself down with other people's packed lunches, I set off on the North road with a song in my heart, [[BeefGate and was immediately eaten by giant killer flies]]. Starting to feel like I might not be the master of my own destiny. |
| 1068 | [[/folder]] |
| 1069 | |
| 1070 | [[folder:Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II]] |
| 1071 | * "So I look forward to seeing how the fanboys justify ''The Force Unleashed II'', because it is the most grossly offensive and mishandled application of intellectual property since the ''Film/SchindlersList'' [[CrossesTheLineTwice Easy Bake oven.]]" |
| 1072 | * Yahtzee comments on the new Starkiller: |
| 1073 | -->Now, Luke Skywalker could have whined for his country, and his dad went at it like there was a vice permanently attached to his bollocks, but Starkiller wears an emo fringe that reaches to his knees. All he cares about is getting back together with his love interest. ''[with the same long emo fringe covering a part of her boob and a heart forms between the two]'' And forgive me if I'm unsympathetic, ''[Yahtzee arrives with a flamethrower to torch the love interest's hair]'' but if [[Creator/HaydenChristensen Christensen]] and [[Creator/NataliePortman Portman]] had a chemistry like [[StrangledByTheRedString two chairs stacked together]], then Starkiller and Whatsherface were like a picture of two chairs stacked together, crudely drawn on butcher paper with a bit of partially dried poo. ''[by an imp, no less!]'' |
| 1074 | * "So, here are all the ways you can kill people in this game like a bullied teenager with a semi-automatic and an Oedipus complex: You can hit them with a lightsaber, if you're some kind of watercress-eating spod with no imagination; ''[imp drifts off to sleep]'' you can reflect their blaster shots back at them; [[ThrowingYourSwordAlwaysWorks you can throw your lightsaber at them]]; you can microwave them with force lightning; you can force push them into walls; you can lift them off their feet and throw them at their mates; [[BreadEggsBreadedEggs you can lift them up, microwave them, throw your lightsaber at them, then throw whatever mess remains at their mates]]; and you can Jedi mind trick them into fighting each other or hurling themselves off bridges, which is, incidentally, hilarious." |
| 1075 | * "You might think this all sounds kind of fun, in a slightly psychotic kind of way, ''[guy goes to Yahtzee holding the word "fun", before the scene cuts to the same guy, now bloodied and lifeless, killed by the word "fun"]'' and it is. But the game handles its fun elements like a gazelle handles the fine china." ''[game picks up the word "fun" then throws it onto the floor, shattering it]'' |
| 1076 | * About the combat system: |
| 1077 | -->The combat does get fun when you have to divide your attention between larger groups, mind tricking an elite trooper with one hand and force pushing a lamppost up someone's butthole with other, but the game doesn't often have the balls to throw enough simultaneous enemies at you to make it a really meaty challenge and more often than not descends into repetitive one-on-ones with a giant robot or one of his three or four slightly different mates. Gameplay protip: keep your distance and deflect its missiles back at it. "Which enemy is that a protip for, Yahtzee?" "Throw a fucking rock!" (That's also a good tactic.) |
| 1078 | [[/folder]] |
| 1079 | |
| 1080 | [[folder:Call of Duty: Black Ops]] |
| 1081 | * His impression of the game's frenzied pacing, akin to a nagging housewife. |
| 1082 | -->[[MotorMouth Go there! Keep running! Take cover! Not there, you're getting shot! There, shoot that guy! Not him, he's on your side! Can't you tell? He's wearing a slightly different hat! Quick, pick up that grenade and throw it back! I don't know, over there somewhere! Oh, there, see? If you'd thrown it sooner that wouldn't have happened, you stupid cunt!]] ''(smacks Yahtzee with a rolling pin)'' |
| 1083 | * "Why is my character putting broken glass into the mouth of that helpless prisoner? I don't think he'd find that very tasty--(''[[GoryDiscretionShot camera cuts away just as the player character prepares to hit the prisoner with a golf club]]'')--[[OhCrap OH BUGGER MY BREECHES]] [[DudeNotFunny that was uncalled for!]] [[ProtagonistCenteredMorality Who are the good guys in this game again?]]" |
| 1084 | * "Another opportunity for the ''VideoGame/CallOfDuty'' franchise to wave military hardware in our faces and go '''PHWOAR!'''" |
| 1085 | * The [[BookEnds beginning and end]] of the review feature several countries personified as people, including America, Russia, China, the UK and Switzerland. Webcomic/HetaliaAxisPowers references in the comments section were unavoidable. |
| 1086 | ** Likewise, Yahtzee's analogy that all the "Modern Warfare"-esque shooters is a sign the United States craves a world war is on par with all the erotic fanfiction by a virgin nerd is a sign that they're trying to say "[[YouNeedToGetLaid I Need To Get Laid]]". |
| 1087 | * Pointing out how the term "Black Ops" carries a term of stealth, mystery, and deniability, [[WithCatlikeTread whereas the game has so many explosions and shoot-em-ups that any stealth (let alone deniability) goes sailing out the window]]. Special points for explaining the GrandFinale mission: |
| 1088 | --> "What's that, Vladimir? [[BlatantLies No, no, our fleets of aircraft carriers were just in that particular bit of ocean for a volleyball tournament, and to take some photos for a navy recruitment booklet! No, I can't imagine how one of your battleships in the exact same area could've gotten riddled with bullets (although now I come to think about it, I do remember hearing what could have been minigun fire, but at the time I thought it was just somebody playing squash very, very enthusiastically)!]]" |
| 1089 | [[/folder]] |
| 1090 | |
| 1091 | [[folder:[=iPhone=] Games]] |
| 1092 | * On the game ''Fruit Ninja'': "You're a ninja, fruit is flying in front of you and ''fuck fruit''. Sitting around all smug, ''on trees'' and ''in pies.''" |
| 1093 | ** Early in his review, he laments that "so much of triple-A gaming these days is endless sequels, ripoffs and wank". The accompanying visuals give an example of a sequel (''VideoGame/KaneAndLynch 2: Dog Days''), a ripoff (''Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days'') and some wank (''Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days''). |
| 1094 | ** Telling us what making a game for the iPhone involves versus what making a game for the Wii involves in terms of exactly how badly the developer gets violated, the accompanying visuals, and the first picture of Yahtzee back at his desk afterwards. |
| 1095 | [[/folder]] |
| 1096 | |
| 1097 | [[folder:Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood]] |
| 1098 | * "I don't want play the same game over and over, I get enough dull repetition in my sex life." Caption: "It's always the bloody nipple clamps with you, isn't it". |
| 1099 | * "''Franchise/AssassinsCreed: Literature/DivineSecretsOfTheYaYaSisterhood''" |
| 1100 | * Yahtzee actually admits that the story with Ezio is starting to get a little stale (especially since the content feels like it was just cut off from the end of ''VideoGame/AssassinsCreedII''), and is actually looking forward to an all-Desmond centric sequel in the future. Not for [[TheGenericGuy Desmond himself]], but for the RagtagBunchOfMisfits he's saddled up with, particularly [[DeadpanSnarker sarcastic]] British guy Shaun. "[[IResembleThatRemark Can't think why!]]" |
| 1101 | * The fact that the ZP avatar of a human playing with Yahtzee suddenly turns into an imp, starting with the limbs and ending with the head. |
| 1102 | [[/folder]] |
| 1103 | |
| 1104 | [[folder:Splatterhouse]] |
| 1105 | * His entire rant on adulthood in the ''Splatterhouse'' review. |
| 1106 | -->Isn't being an adult great? You can go on all the fairground rides, drink yourself to death, and stick your dick in all kinds of magical things! Sometimes I like going to hospitals for terminally ill children and just ''rubbing it in.'' |
| 1107 | [[/folder]] |
| 1108 | |
| 1109 | [[folder:Epic Mickey]] |
| 1110 | * At the beginning he goes into this HeroicBSOD about park mascots trying to sexually abuse him. |
| 1111 | -->No, Goofy! I don't want to taste Herman's special milk! |
| 1112 | * Feeling the game tries too hard and yet not hard enough to be edgy, Yahtzee goes for broke and slaps Hitler's face onto Mickey's edgy magic paint brush. |
| 1113 | * "And why do you think every other console controller has two analog sticks, Mr. Wii? Do you think it's just for symmetry? Or because they look a little bit like nipples? No! It's because in third-person games, the camera is like the working class: If you can't control it, ''it will plot to destroy you''!" All combined with a picture of a camera stabbing Yahtzee in the eye shouting, "Death to the Aristos!" |
| 1114 | ** Interestingly, yes, originally the Dual Shock did have two sticks just for symmetry, though he's referring to the current generation's controllers so the joke still stands. |
| 1115 | ** "The 'center camera' button just flat-out refuses to work sometimes when it feels you don't appreciate it enough. And in 1st person mode you can't move, and when you spray paint it looks uncannily like Mickey is urinating a vibrant blue liquid." |
| 1116 | [[/folder]] |
| 1117 |
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