History SophisticatedAsHell / LiveActionTV

-->'''Bernard writes:''' ''[after receiving a letter of rejection to the book he sent in]'' Dear Mr. Chusington Howell Foxfarthing, thank you for returning my manuscripts and your enclosed nasty, niminy-piminy little note. I am afraid ''your'' letter is most unsuitable for ''me'' at the present time, as I've just spent the entire weekend writing the novel which you have summarily rejected. I can only presume it is company policy to reject all manuscripts not submitted in ten-foot high braille. And yes, I am aware that it is traditionally bad form to respond to any kind of criticism or rejection, but in this, as in all else, I am an innovator, therefore I may freely address you as ''piss midget''. Still there's time to change your views and I think you will when we meet, and meet we most assuredly will when I sock out your eyes and use them as stoppers for my ears to muffle the screaming you make as I headbutt you into a fine paste. I do hope you will not be disheartened by your sudden, violent death. Yours Faithfully, Bernard Black.

--->'''Zack''': Whoa! Is that the laser? It's bitchin'.\\
'''Sheldon''': Yes. In 1917, when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung, his fondest hope was that the resultant device be bitchin'.

--> To Bobby Axelrod, fees are religion and money is his god. This makes him the perfect shepherd for you in the material world. And at least when you pray to his god, you get another fucking Bentley out of it.

-->'''Beckett''': "Show me a hero, and I'll write you a tragedy." F. Scott Fitzgerald said that.\\
'''Castle''': Then it must have been Ernest Hemingway who said, "Man, I sure could [[INeedAFreakingDrink use a drink]] right about now."

--> '''Airport Receptionist:''' Well then, Mr. Jon, you're all set.\\

** The show used to have a segment entitled "Great Moments in Punditry as Read by Children", which is ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin: little kids reading transcripts from Radio/RushLimbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, [[Series/CountdownWithKeithOlbermann Keith Olbermann]], and their ilk. Sadly, the segment hasn't been seen in years. And then, during one of the show's greatest highlights (namely, the "Go Fuck Yourself, Bernie Goldberg" piece), a man named Toppington von Monocle (with top hat, tails, teacup and monocle) comes on to refute the claim that their audience is unsophisticated... by quoting the Catullus quote above. Particularly funny because it comes off as fake but is in fact ''exactly what it says.''

** The radio version did it with announcer Charlotte Green's refined accent applied to pop songs: "[=BBC=] Radio Four, I'm Charlotte Green. My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours, Damn right, it's better than yours. [[FilmAtEleven More on that story later]]."

--->'''Paris''': Come, my children, our people have gone to the square of oratory, we must go and join them there and I must speak. And we must also make plans for the celebration. Thank you, my dear. ''(beat)'' See you later!

-->'''Bishop Brennan''': You will address me with my proper title, you little bollocks! [[note]]Though the Sex Pistols trial established that "bollocks" was an archaic term for young priest - making this both funny and accurate.[[/note]]

** [[spoiler: When Shawn is discussing Michael's apparent success in his 'second' attempt at torturing the four humans, he is quick to point out that the plan had its detractors:]]
--->[[spoiler: '''Shawn:''' When you proposed this new form of torture]], we all laughed behind your back. Some people called you names, like "the Thomas Edison of Incompetence", or "That Dick".

-->'''Chase''': Hey, Foreman. [[YourMom Yo mama's]] so fat, when her beeper goes off, people think she's backin' up.

---->'''House''': Well, like the philosopher Jagger once said, "You can't always get what you want."

--> '''Posh man:''' You know, that makes me so angry. I was standing at the bar waiting to be served, and there was a woman there taking her drinks away. And she spilled her G & T on my wrist. You see, my sleeve is quite wet. I mean, if I was any kind of man I would have glassed her.\\

--> '''Yuri:''' I mean, he's got no class at all.\\

-->'''Maher''': New rule; Creationists like Ken Hamm, who runs the Creationist Museum and said recently that we should call off the search for extraterrestrial life because aliens have not heard the word of Jesus and are going to Hell anyway, must listen to this alternate point of view from Dr. UsefulNotes/NeilDeGrasseTyson:\\

--->'''Binks''': [...] What have we here? A human being -- or a very close approximation. Chronological age, mid-twenties; physical age, 47. Grossly overweight, unnecessarily ugly -- otherwise, would recommend it for the museum. Apart from that, no value or interest.\\
'''Lister''': Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smeg pot. Brains in the anal region. Chin absent -- presumed missing. Genitalia: small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest.\\
'''Binks''': Binks to Enlightenment. Evidence of primitive humour. The human has knowledge of irony, satire, and imitation. With patient tuition could, maybe, master simple tasks.\\
'''Lister''': Lister to Red Dwarf. Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble. Seems unable to grasp simple threats. With careful pummelling, could possibly be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw.\\
'''Binks''': Binks to Enlightenment. The human seems to be under the delusion that he is somehow capable of bestowing physical violence to a hologram.\\
'''Lister''': Lister to Red Dwarf. The intruder seems blissfully unaware that we have a fairly sturdy holo-whip in the Munitions cabinet, and unless he wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd better be history in two seconds flat!

--->'''Rimmer''': Wasn't it St. Francis of Assissi himself who said, "Never give a sucker an even break"?\\
'''Kryten''': Well if he did, sir, it was strictly off the record.

--->'''Kryten''': Now, if you'll forgive the confrontational imperative - go for your guns, you scum-sucking molluscs!

-->'''Chief Whip''': In politics you have to learn to say things with tact and finesse, you berk!

* ''Series/TheArmstrongAndMillerShow'' has a [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwNQf08Kxsw recurring pair of characters]] who are [=WW2=] pilots. Their accent and diction is old style, slightly upper-class English, but their actual words are all, like, utterly modern slang and shit, isn't it, though? Stand''ard''.

** A recurring joke has newsreaders reciting music lyrics in the same manner they read the news.[[note]]This is also attributed to Rory Bremner below, which may or may not be a mistake.[[/note]]

* Felix Dexter once featured in a sketch where he greets another black man in the street with excited, rapid-fire stereotypical street lingo, regaling him with his exploits. After a few moments the other black man replies in a slow West-country drawl:
-->Nope, it bain't no use. Oi carnt understand an single word you'm sayin'.

* ''Series/{{Castle}}'' used the quoting variant: