History Recap / AStormOfSwords

Sansa at first thinks they mean [[{{Bishounen}} Loras]], but Margaery is the youngest of four, and Loras out of the line of succession the same as Jaime, while Ser Garlan is already married. In this case, Olenna and Margaery are talking about Willas, the eldest, heir to Highgarden -- who was crippled in his first tourney as a squire. Margaery vouches for the goodness of his character, though, and Sansa hesitantly agrees.

That evening, Marillion summons her to the Great Hall of the Eyrie, locking her in with Lysa. Lysa is less concerned with Robert's shaking than with the stolen kiss. She accuses Sansa of taking after Catelyn, as regards being a [[TheTease tease]] towards Petyr. She tells Sansa of a time when they were teens: Catelyn danced with Petyr six times, causing him to [[AllLoveIsUnrequited ignore Lysa entirely]], but when he went in for a kiss, she laughed at him. That night Lysa snuck into his bedchambers and [[TheirFirstTime gave herself to him]] -- even though Petyr, half drunk, [[WrongNameOutburst called her Cat]].[[note]]This is why Baelish always brags that he took Catelyn's virginity: FromACertainPointOfView, he did.[[/note]]

And indeed, the man who has come to join the small council is, instead, Prince Doran's HotBlooded younger brother, Oberyn Martell, called [[RedBaron the Red Viper]]: puissant warrior, renowned bisexual, and (ThisIsGonnaSuck) the man who crippled Willas Tyrell. He and Oberyn trade barbs (with Tyrion reminiscing that Joffrey has taken to telling [[AcceptableTargets Dornish-flavored jokes]]), and Oberyn mentions that he and Elia visited Casterly Rock just after Tyrion was born; they had expected him to be a demon, since Lord Tywin was himself a semi-mythical figure; his largesse was of such renown that he must, or so it was jested, have SolidGoldPoop.

Sansa is dismayed to discover that the ship is not making for Winterfell; instead, they have landed at Littlefinger's eponymous fief in the Fingers. There, he is to wed Lysa Arryn. Littlefinger insists that Sansa disguise herself as his "natural daughter" (i.e., LiteralBastard), and names her "Alayne Stone."

The talk is that Melisandre plans to use Mance as fuel for a magic spell, so Sam suggests that he send Gilly to his family's ancestral seat at Horn Hill, where she will pass off her son as Sam's LiteralBastard. (Sam's lord father, Randyll Tarly, despises him as a NonActionGuy, but the idea that Sam had sired a child on some wildling girl -- or, indeed, had sex at all -- might sway his opinion.) He longs to tell Jon of Bran's survival, but decides to keep his vows.

Emerging, he finds the bed occupied: Lord Tywin is nowhere to be found, but waiting for him in the Hand's bed, naked save for the chain of hands that marks the Hand's office, is Shae. She protests that she perjured herself under threat of death from the queen, but when he asks her if she ever actually enjoyed servicing him, she answers, "More than anything, my giant of Lannister" -- the worst thing she could have said. He strangles her with the chain while she begs for mercy. (Hey, remember when Tywin said, "The next whore I find in [the Hand]'s bed, I'll hang"? To quote the ''WesternAnimationRobotChicken'' parody of Creator/MNightShyamalan, "[[ProphecyTwist What a twist!]]")

Sam blurts out that they can all [[TakeAThirdOption Take A Fifth Option]], as there is one amongst the Watch who is of noble blood, who enjoyed (or enjoys) the trust of Maester Aemon, Donal Noye, even the Old Bear. Mallister admits that such a man might be a better choice ... and so Sam [[BlatantLies lies]] that Stannis plans to force Cotter Pyke down the Watch's throat if a choice isn't made. And then he goes to Pyke and repeats the same pitch, this time replacing the "BlueBlood" bit with a "LiteralBastard" thing, and claims that [[ManipulativeBastard Stannis will declare for Mallister]].

None of her captains can come up with anything useful; the best plan is from Brown Ben Plumm, newly-elected leader of the Second Sons, who mentions that he once escaped Meereen via its sewer system. Of course, Dany might be showing him a bit of favor because her dragons seem to like him; Plumm, though admittedly a mongrel, claims to have a Targaryen princess in his ancestry, who married into the Plumm family on account of a six-foot-long penis.