History Quotes / HellsingUltimateAbridged

* chuckle* What I am telling you, my Nazi army of 1,000 vampires, is that I am a purveyor of war. And with your help over the years, we are now at the precipice of our true goal.\\

So he disguised himself as a priest and a Samaritan\\
And felt the urge to be much more than a barbarian\\

'''Edward:''' (emotionessly) And I... love you... Bella...\\

[[[EstablishingCharacterMoment Proceeds to shoot Edward from behind the door]] [[MoreDakka several times]] until he dies]\\
'''Alucard:''' [[YourVampiresSuck A]] '''[[YourVampiresSuck REAL]]''' [[YourVampiresSuck fucking vampire!]]

->'''Alucard:''' Hm? Suddenly it reeks of ''hypocrisy'' in here. Oh if it isn't the Catholic church! And whats this? No little Timmy glued to your crotch? ''Progress!''\\

(Scene cuts to Seras with the Harkonnen)\\

(Seras fires the cannon, blasting away some of Jan's zombie minions)\\

Some of you have come to believe that I like war. I wish to dash these rumors. I do not ''like'' war.\\
I '''LOVE''' war.\\

You see, I want a simple war. No class wars, no drug wars, no race wars, no flame wars... '''Und certainly, no UsefulNotes/{{Cold War}}s!''' (Blueballed for 40 years.)\\

'''Alucard:''' Because, behind those eyes, I saw something I lost long ago: the will to live. Now, stop running from who you are. Confront it. ''Embrace it! And go for it's fucking throat!'' '''''LIKE A REAL FUCKING VAMPIRE!'''''

'''Alucard:''' [[TakeThat A]] '''[[TakeThat REAL]]''' [[TakeThat fucking vampire!]]

'''The Major:''' [[AC: I am no less a man than anyone with a pacemaker or hearing aid. For what is the marker of a man, but his interminable will?]]\\
'''Integra:''' [[ShutUpHannibal No!]] A man is a homo-sapien made of meat and blood, not cogs and coolant and I'm just going to assume a [[HamsterWheelPower hamster on a wheel]]!\\
'''Major:''' [[AC: [[JokeAndReceive His name is Hamburg.]]]]\\
'''Integra:''' [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe ...You're just fucking with me.]]\\
'''Major:''' [[AC: And you finally get it. I...I see the line. The factory seal on society. [[HumansAreBastards A world mired in complacency, slaves to their instincts, and fueled by anger and hatred.]] [[InYourNatureToDestroyYourselves A rocket propellant as volatile as it is potent, and frighteningly self-sustaining.]]]]\\
'''Integra:''' Is there a rest stop between now and the fucking point?\\
'''Major:''' [[AC: The ''point'', Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, is that [[PsychopathicManchild we are nothing but scared, spiteful children playing at adulthood]], a fictitious lie of comfort and, even more repugnant, complacence! So what is a man to do but wage war so calamitous and glorious that it would snap humanity out of its foolish, worthless charade?! And who better an opponent than Hellsing?]]

->'''Walter:''' Hello, my name is Walter C. Dornez, ex-vampire hunter, and butler to the Hellsing organization. I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash. [[SophisticatedAsHell And I also kill self-entitled little twats like yourself]].\\

->'''[[Literature/{{Twilight}} Bella:]]'''' Ah yes! I love you, Edward!\\

'''Jan:''' Well ain't you just the textbook fuckin' definition of classy. But guess what, Jeeves: that garrote wire won't do shit for '''dick''' against armour this thick. What's that, Alfred? How thick is it? Well, half as thick as my DICK, so thick enough that you'd need an anti-tank rifle to pierce it. And I don't even see a piece on your wrinkly old ass!\\

->'''Walter:''' Hello, my name is Walter C. Dornez, ex-vampire hunter, and butler to the Hellsing organization. I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash. [[SophisticatedAsHell And I kill self-entitled little twats like yourself]].\\
'''Jan:''' Well ain't you just the textbook fuckin' definition of classy. But guess what, Jeeves: that garrote wire won't do shit for '''dick''' against armour this thick. What's that, Alfred? How thick is it? Well, half as thick as my dick, so thick enough that you'd need an anti-tank rifle to pierce it. And I don't even see a piece on your wrinkly old ass!\\

'''Anderson:''' ''And why are we God's chosen few, ordained to undertake this unholy task?''\\

'''Anderson:''' ''And because it's'' ''fuckin''' ''fun!'' ''AHAHA! AHAHAHA!'' ''AHAH''-'''AAAAAAAA-MEN!'''

'''Integra''': You can nail it to his door.\\

-> '''Vampire Nazi Soldier''': The fanbase is... diverse.

-->--episode 7

-> '''Vampire Nazi Soldier''': Ah, I think that was Sonic the Hedgehog from the ''Sonic the Hedgehog'' franchise by Sega.
-> '''Blitz''': Okay, but... why did it have a foot-long erection?

-> '''Blitz''': You mean fucking ''weird''!
-->--Episode 7

->'''Major''': Gentlemen. Operation: Bait Van Winkle is a resounding success. Alucard is now exactly where we need him to be so we can move forward with our little... "surprise". However, before we begin our next phase, I would like to take some time to address a rumor floating around the fleet. Some of you have come to believe that I like war. I wish to dash these rumors. I do not ''like'' war. I '''LOVE''' war. Through my life, I have discovered so many forms of war. You get up in the morning, you get into your shitty car, and you see a rich [=CEO=] who works half as hard as you do drive down the street in his Porsche. ''Class war.'' You make it to work, and you find out that the annual drug test is today. And you just so happened to take a puff of your one-hitter a couple nights ago before dinner with your wife's awful parents. ''Drug war.'' But then, you find out that the only ones being called in for testing are your black and Hispanic co-workers. ''Race war.'' Then, you try to post about it on your Website/{{Facebook}}, but then all your friends start arguing about what's right und what's wrong. ''{{Flame war}}.'' You finally get home, and you decide to relax by watching a program about: "Who gets the box?" "What's in the box?" "How much is what's in the box worth?" ''Series/StorageWars.'' *chuckle* What I am telling you, my Nazi army of 1,000 vampires, is that I am a purveyor of war. And with your help over the years, we are now at the precipice of our true goal. You see, I want a simple war. No class wars, no drug wars, no race wars, no flame wars... '''Und certainly, no UsefulNotes/{{Cold War}}s!''' (Blueballed for 40 years.) What I want is a war that only we can bring. A ''true'' war! A '''German''' war! The sequel you've all been waiting for! ''I! WANT! '''[[WorldWarIII WORLD! WAR!! THREE!!!]]'''''

->'''Walter:''' Hello, my name is Walter C. Dornez, ex-vampire hunter, and butler to the Hellsing organization. I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash. And I kill self-entitled little twats like yourself.\\

'''Alucard:''' Excuse ''me'', but I'm a fuck-mothering vampire! I killed a ''lot' of people to get this title; I deserve to be called such!

'''Maxwell:''' '''You do not deserve God's MERCY'''! If He will not turn you to the afterlife, ''''THEN I WILL!!'''\\

->'''Alucard:''' And before you ask, ''yes!'' '''THIS IS A JOJO REFERENCE!!''\\

'''Integra:''' [[ShutUpHannibal No!]] A man is a homo-sapien made of meat and blood, not cogs and coolant and I'm just going to assume a hamster on a wheel!\\

'''Anderson:''' Sinners will be allowed no quarter. Kill them all, and let God sort them out.\\

->'''Alucard:''' Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here. Oh if it isn't the catholic church and whats this no little Timmy glued to your crotch? Progress.
->'''Anderson:''' Ahh and look at what we have here A bloody heathen.
->'''Alucard:''' Excuse me but i'm a fuck mothering vampire, I killed a lot of people to get this title i deserve to be called such.

->'''Integra:''' Where's Alucard?
->'''Anderson:''' Ah, him? I KILLED HIM!
->'''Integra:''' Killed him?
->'''Anderson:''' Cut off his bloody head!
->'''Integra:''' Oh. Well, that's step one. What about two through ten?
->'''Anderson:''' Ah, Christ!
->'''Alucard reforms as epic music plays'''
->'''Alucard:''' You done goofed.
->'''Anderson:''' How in the blood-soaked Protestant hell did you do that?
->'''Alucard:''' Fuck you, that's how.

->'''Walter:''' Hello, my name is Walter C. Dornez, ex-vampire hunter, and butler to the Hellsing organization. I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash. And I kill self-entitled little twats like yourself.
->'''Jan:''' Well ain't you just the textbook fuckin' definition of classy. But guess what, Jeeves: that garrote wire won't do shit for '''dick''' against armour this thick. What's that, Alfred? How thick is it? Well, half as thick as my dick, so thick enough that you'd need an anti-tank rifle to pierce it. And I don't even see a piece on your wrinkly old ass!
->'''Walter:''' Police Girl, if you may.
->(Scene cuts to Seras with the Harkonnen)
->'''Seras:''' ''Bitches love cannons.''
->(Seras fires the cannon, blasting away some of Jan's zombie minions)
->'''Jan:''' Oh fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle... [[DoubleTake OH FUCK, THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!]]

->'''Anderson:''' ''Who are we?''
->'''Paladins of Iscariot:''' ''The necessary evil!''
->'''Anderson:''' ''Why are we necessary?''
->'''Paladins:''' ''To purge the world of evil worse than man!''
->'''Anderson:''' ''And why are we God's chosen few, ordained to undertake this unholy task?''
->'''Paladins:''' ''Because no-one else will!''
->'''Anderson:''' ''And because it's'' ''fuckin''' ''fun!'' ''AHAHA! AHAHAHA!'' ''AHAH''-'''AAAAAAAA-MEN!'''

->'''Alucard:''' Listen to me, Draculina! You are so much stronger than you let yourself be!
->'''Seras:''' How do you know?!
->'''Alucard:''' Because, behind those eyes, I saw something I lost long ago: the will to live. Now, stop running from who you are. Confront it. ''Embrace it! And go for it's fucking throat!'' '''''LIKE A REAL FUCKING VAMPIRE!'''''

->'''Zorin:''' Zat look, how?! I cut out your eyes! How can you ''look'' at me like that?!
->'''Seras:''' Fuck you, that's how!

->'''After she goes OneWingedAngel'''
->'''Seras:''' Zorin, was it? Listen, Zorin, this whole fucking place is ''my house''. You ain't the queen vampire bitch here; ''I am.'' And you know what we Brits always say... ''God. Save. The Queen.''"
-->--Episode 7

->'''Maxwell:''' ''For ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing and I will receive you.'' [[note]]2 Corinthians 6:16-17 [[/note]]
->'''Little Boy:''' Mummy, what's that man talking about?
->'''Maxwell:''' Yes, my fellow Christians! We have come to ''save'' you!
->'''Civilian:''' Hooray, it's the Catholic Church!
->'''Maxwell:''' '''''FROM YOURSELVES!!!'''''
->'''Civilian:''' Oh no, it's the Catholic Church.

->'''Maxwell:''' YES! Cleanse the Earth of these ''sinners''! May the Lord have mercy! '''For I!''' '''HAVE!''' '''NONE!'''
->'''Integra:''' You know, I think your boy Maxwell's [[DrunkWithPower letting his new authority get to his head a little]]. You should probably have a talk with him.
->'''Heinkel:''' He's -- he's just under a lot of pressure!
->'''Maxwell:''' '''You do not deserve God's MERCY'''! If He will not turn you to the afterlife, ''''THEN I WILL!!'''
->'''Heinkel:''' I mean, words only have as much meaning as we give them.
->'''Maxwell:''' ''Sinners will be allowed no quarter!'' Kill them all! '''LET GOD SORT THEM OUT!'''
->'''Integra:''' You're right, a ''lot'' open to interpretation there.
->'''Heinkel:''' Perhaps one of us ''should'' have a talk with him.
->'''Maxwell:''' '''''[[AGodAmI I SHALL BE THE NEW GOD OF THIS WORLD!!!]]'''''
->'''Anderson:''' Aye, let me go have a wee chat.
->'''Integra''': Oh, I have an idea.
->'''Anderson''': Woman...
->'''Integra''': Why not [[StronglyWordedLetter write down a formal protest]]?
->'''Anderson''': ''Don't you dare''...
->'''Integra''': You can nail it to his door.
->'''Anderson''': ''Don't you fuckin' dare''!
->'''Integra''': ''Like a Protestant''!

->'''Integra:''' Alucard! Go for a walk.
->'''Alucard:''' When hope is gone, undo this lock. And send me forth on a moonlit walk. Release Restraint Level...'''''ZERO'''''.

->'''The Major:''' It's kind of hilarious, in a mundane way.
->'''Maxwell:''' NO NO NO NO NO!
->'''The Doctor:''' What is, Herr Major?
->'''Maxwell:''' NO NO NO NO NO!
->'''The Major:''' That none of these vhaffle munchers ever put it together that "Alucard" backwards is...
->'''Maxwell:''' DRACULAAAAAA?!

->'''Anderson:''' (on the "tragedy" of Maxwell's death) Don't weep for the stupid, you'll be crying all day.

->'''Heinkel:''' Father Anderson, there is no way you can beat Alucard the way he is now.
->'''Anderson:''' Maybe you're right, Heinkel... But I want to take a stab at it anyway.

->'''Dracula:''' Alucard is not here right now. You face Count Dracula of Wallachia.
->'''Anderson:''' Call yourself whatever you like, you crazy vampire bastard! I'm here to cleanse the earth of your filth, once and for all!

->'''Anderson:''' (after Alucard's transformation, he calls Anderson 'worthy opponent') Time the fuck out. If we're doing this, and we ''are'' doing this, I'm not gonna come swinging at ''Dracula''... I'm killin' Alucard!
->'''Dracula:''' You... do know that it's just my name spelled—
->'''Anderson:''' Of course I do! (starts producing bayonets out of nowhere) Shut up and bring him out!\\
(Anderson throws a couple of blades, which are countered by bullets, one of which explodes the Iscariot's left hand)
->'''Dracula:''' (sighs) Very vell... If you insist\\
(Dracula's cloak obscures the camera as Alucard's twin pistols emerge)
->'''Alucard:''' Hey there, Padre! How's Little Timmy? You know what's good for getting cum stains out of altar boy robes? ''Holy water''! Didja miss me?
-->--Episode 8

->'''Anderson:''' Any last words, ''monster''?
->'''Alucard:''' Have you ever though about carbonating the blood of Christ? You know, give the kids something fizzy to drink before they wake up in an hour.\\
(Anderson pulls a small wooden box out of his coat)
->'''Alucard:''' Oh, sweet! You've got some on ya!
->'''Anderson:''' I forgive you.
->'''Alucard:''' ...''Excuse me''?
->'''Anderson:''' Everything you've said. Everything you've done. ''I forgive you.''
->'''Alucard:''' Well, isn't ''that'' convenient? But it's not up to YOU, is it? It's up to your precious God.
->'''Anderson:''' You're right. ''(Brandishes the Nail of Helena)'' Would you like to speak to Him?
->'''Heinkel:''' Isn't zat one of ze nails zat pierced Christ's body?!
->'''Yumie:''' ''Hai.'' (Yup.)
->'''Heinkel:''' From ze "Don't Fuck Vith This" Armory?!
->'''Yumie:''' ''Haaai.'' (Yuuup.)
->'''Heinkel:''' Vere they keep ze Ark of ze Covenant, ze Dead Sea Scrolls, and ze ACTUAL Body of Christ?!
->'''Yumie:''' ''Haaaaaai.'' (Yuuuuuup.)
->'''Alucard:''' Ooh la la! You've got a nail with some Savior juice on it! Whatcha gonna do, stab me through the heart?
->'''Anderson:''' Not ''yours...''
->'''Alucard:''' ''(Growling with rage)'' NO, NO, NO...
->'''Anderson:''' MINE.
->'''Alucard:''' Nonononono no no '''''NO!!!'''''\\
''(Anderson stabs himself through the heart with the nail and goes OneWingedAngel)''
->'''Anderson:''' ''Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace,''
->'''Anderson/[[spoiler:{{God}}]]:''' And I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
->'''[[spoiler: God:]]''' '''Amen.'''[[note]]John 20:21-23[[/note]]
-->--Episode 8

->'''Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:''' I'm sorry, what the fuck am I looking at? Is that...metal and oil?! Are you a cyborg? WHY ARE YOU A CYBORG?!
->'''The Major:''' [[AC: I am no less a man than anyone with a pacemaker or hearing aid. For what is the marker of a man, but his interminable will?]]
->'''Integra:''' [[ShutUpHannibal No!]] A man is a homo-sapien made of meat and blood, not cogs and coolant and I'm just going to assume a hamster on a wheel!
->'''Major:''' [[AC: [[JokeAndReceive His name is Hamburg.]]]]
->'''Integra:''' [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe ...You're just fucking with me.]]
->'''Major:''' [[AC: And you finally get it. I...I see the line. The factory steel on society. [[HumansAreBastards A world mired in complacency, slaves to their instincts, and fueled by anger and hatred.]] [[InYourNatureToDestroyYourselves A rocket propellant as volatile as it is potent, and frighteningly self-sustaining.]]]]
->'''Integra:''' Is there a rest stop between now and the fucking point?
->'''Major:''' [[AC: The ''point'', Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, is that [[PsychopathicManchild we are nothing but scared, spiteful children playing at adulthood]], a fictitious lie of comfort and, even more repugnant, complacence! So what is a man to do but wage war so calamitous and glorious that it would snap humanity out of its foolish, worthless charade?! And who better an opponent than Hellsing?]]

->'''Alucard:''' And before you ask, ''yes!'' '''THIS IS A JOJO REFERENCE!!''
->'''Walter:''' Part 1 was the best!
->'''Alucard:''' Ah, you ''would'' say that, you fucking Brit! [[note]]Phantom Blood's protagonist was Jonathan Joestar, the only fully-British [=JoJo=].[[/note]]
->'''The Major:''' I prefer Part 2. [[note]]As well as taking place during UsefulNotes/WorldWarII, Battle Tendency ''also'' stars a Nazi cyborg in the form of Rudol von Stroheim.[[/note]]

->'''Major:''' [[AC: His name is Hamburg.]]
->'''Integra:''' ...You're just fucking with me.

->'''Alucard:''' Ah, you ''would'' say that, you fucking Brit! [[note]]Phantom Blood's protagonist was Jonathan Joestar, the only fully-British JoJo.[[/note]]
->'''The Major:''' I prefer Part 2. [[note]]As well as taking place during WW2, Battle Tendency ''also'' stars a Nazi cyborg in the form of Rudol von Stroheim.[[/note]]