History Quotes / DaveBarry

-->-- '''Dave Barry''', "Don't Know Much About History" (for the [[SarcasmMode actual]] intent of the Monroe Doctrine, see below

->U.S. News Organizations observe the anniversary of September 11 with investigations about the nation's continuing vulnerability to terrorism. First, the New York Daily News reports that two of its reporters carried box cutters, razor kinves, and pepper spray on fourteen commerical flights without getting caught. Then ABC News reports that it smuggled fifteen pounds of uranium into New York City. Then Fox News reports that it flew Osama bin Laden to Washington, D.C., and videotaped him touring the White House.

->[[OOCIsSeriousBusiness No humor column today]]. [[TooSoon I don't want to write it and you don't want to read it]].

----
<<|QuotesWiki|>>

—->--'''Dave Barry''' (who is not a fan of the Yankees), ''Dave Barry's History of the Millenium (so far)'', October 2004

—->-- '''Dave Barry'' (who is not a fan of the Yankees), ''Dave Barry's History of the Millenium (so far)'', October 2004

-> Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth. [[note]]:

-> Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

->Take, for example, my Keogh Plan. If you're wondering what a Keogh Plan is, the technical answer is: Beats me. All I know is, I have one, and the people who administer it are always sending me Important Tax Information. Here's the first sentence of their most recent letter, which I swear I am not making up:
->"Dear David: The IRS has extended the deadline for the restatement of your plan to comply with [=GUST=] and various other amendments until, in most instances, September 30, 2003."
->I understand everything in that sentence, up to "David." After that I am lost. Apparently I have until September 30 (in most instances) to get my plan -- no, sorry, the restatement of my plan -- to comply with something (but what?) called "[=GUST=]." And of course various other amendments. But how do I do this? And what if I don't?
->The letter doesn't make this clear. It does, however, say this: "You must adopt [=EGTRRA=] prior to the end of the plan year beginning in 2002." I am, frankly, reluctant to adopt anything called "[=EGTRRA=]," which sounds like the name of a giant radioactive chicken that destroys Tokyo.

->The thing is, this letter isn't from the Internal Revenue Service ("We're Working To Put You in Jail!").
-->--'''Dave Barry''', ''Want a little something [=EGTRRA=]''

->'''IRS AUDITOR:''' Also, on page 23, you claim, as dependents, and I quote: "The Entire Cast of Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer."
-->--'''Dave Barry''', ''Want a little something [=EGTRRA=]''

->We have reached the point where even the [=IRS=] doesn't know what the Tax Code says. Last year, the Treasury Department discovered -- I am still not making this up -- that the [=IRS=] paid out more than $30 million to people who filed for the slavery tax credit. Yes! Thirty million dollars! Only guess what? It turns out there IS no slavery tax credit! Whoops!
-->--'''Dave Barry''', ''Want a little something [=EGTRRA=]''

-> Here's my proposal, which is based on the TV show Series/{{Survivor}}: We put the entire Congress on an island. All the food on this island is locked inside a vault, which can be opened only by an ordinary American taxpayer named Bob. Every day, the congresspersons are given a section of the Tax Code, which they must rewrite so that Bob can understand it. If he can, he lets them eat that day; if he can't, he doesn't.
-->--'''Dave Barry''', ''Want a little something [=EGTRRA=]''

-> Here's my proposal, which is based on the TV show {{Survivor}}: We put the entire Congress on an island. All the food on this island is locked inside a vault, which can be opened only by an ordinary American taxpayer named Bob. Every day, the congresspersons are given a section of the Tax Code, which they must rewrite so that Bob can understand it. If he can, he lets them eat that day; if he can't, he doesn't.

->'''IRS AUDITOR:''' Also, on page 23, you claim, as dependents, and I quote: "The Entire Cast of BuffyTheVampireSlayer."

-> '''TODAY'S WRITING TIP FOR JOB-SEEKERS:''' When writing a résumé, be sure to use "power words" to describe your accomplishments and skills:

->We have reached the point where even the [=IRS=] doesn't know what the Tax Code says. Last year, the Treasury Department discovered -- [[ I am still not making this up]] -- that the [=IRS=] paid out more than $30 million to people who filed for the slavery tax credit. Yes! Thirty million dollars! Only guess what? It turns out there IS no slavery tax credit! Whoops!