History Quotes / DaveBarry

26th Jun '15 10:42:39 PM zandercan
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-> Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth. [[note]]:

to:

-> Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth. [[note]]:
26th Jun '15 10:23:14 PM zandercan
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-> Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

to:

-> Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth. [[note]]:
19th Jun '13 7:01:16 PM InTheGallbladder
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->Take, for example, my Keogh Plan. If you're wondering what a Keogh Plan is, the technical answer is: Beats me. All I know is, I have one, and the people who administer it are always sending me Important Tax Information. Here's the first sentence of their most recent letter, which I swear I am not making up:
->"Dear David: The IRS has extended the deadline for the restatement of your plan to comply with [=GUST=] and various other amendments until, in most instances, September 30, 2003."
->I understand everything in that sentence, up to "David." After that I am lost. Apparently I have until September 30 (in most instances) to get my plan -- no, sorry, the restatement of my plan -- to comply with something (but what?) called "[=GUST=]." And of course various other amendments. But how do I do this? And what if I don't?
->The letter doesn't make this clear. It does, however, say this: "You must adopt [=EGTRRA=] prior to the end of the plan year beginning in 2002." I am, frankly, reluctant to adopt anything called "[=EGTRRA=]," which sounds like the name of a giant radioactive chicken that destroys Tokyo.

to:

->Take, for example, my Keogh Plan. If you're wondering what a Keogh Plan is, the technical answer is: Beats me. All I know is, I have one, and the people who administer it are always sending me Important Tax Information. -> Here's the first sentence of their most recent letter, my proposal, which I swear I am not making up:
->"Dear David: The IRS has extended
is based on the deadline for TV show Series/{{Survivor}}: We put the restatement entire Congress on an island. All the food on this island is locked inside a vault, which can be opened only by an ordinary American taxpayer named Bob. Every day, the congresspersons are given a section of your plan to comply with [=GUST=] and various other amendments until, in most instances, September 30, 2003."
->I
the Tax Code, which they must rewrite so that Bob can understand everything in it. If he can, he lets them eat that sentence, up to "David." After that I am lost. Apparently I have until September 30 (in most instances) to get my plan -- no, sorry, the restatement of my plan -- to comply with something (but what?) called "[=GUST=]." And of course various other amendments. But how do I do this? And what day; if I don't?
->The letter
he can't, he doesn't.\\
Or, he can give them food either way. It
doesn't make this clear. It does, however, say this: "You must adopt [=EGTRRA=] prior to matter. The main thing is, we never let them off the end of the plan year beginning in 2002." I am, frankly, reluctant to adopt anything called "[=EGTRRA=]," which sounds like the name of a giant radioactive chicken that destroys Tokyo.island.




->The thing is, this letter isn't from the Internal Revenue Service ("We're Working To Put You in Jail!").
-->--'''Dave Barry''', ''Want a little something [=EGTRRA=]''

->'''IRS AUDITOR:''' Also, on page 23, you claim, as dependents, and I quote: "The Entire Cast of Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer."
-->--'''Dave Barry''', ''Want a little something [=EGTRRA=]''

->We have reached the point where even the [=IRS=] doesn't know what the Tax Code says. Last year, the Treasury Department discovered -- I am still not making this up -- that the [=IRS=] paid out more than $30 million to people who filed for the slavery tax credit. Yes! Thirty million dollars! Only guess what? It turns out there IS no slavery tax credit! Whoops!
-->--'''Dave Barry''', ''Want a little something [=EGTRRA=]''

-> Here's my proposal, which is based on the TV show Series/{{Survivor}}: We put the entire Congress on an island. All the food on this island is locked inside a vault, which can be opened only by an ordinary American taxpayer named Bob. Every day, the congresspersons are given a section of the Tax Code, which they must rewrite so that Bob can understand it. If he can, he lets them eat that day; if he can't, he doesn't.
-->--'''Dave Barry''', ''Want a little something [=EGTRRA=]''

to:

\n->The thing is, this letter isn't from the Internal Revenue Service ("We're Working To Put You in Jail!").\n-->--'''Dave Barry''', ''Want a little something [=EGTRRA=]''\n\n->'''IRS AUDITOR:''' Also, on page 23, you claim, as dependents, and I quote: "The Entire Cast of Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer."\n-->--'''Dave Barry''', ''Want a little something [=EGTRRA=]''\n\n->We have reached the point where even the [=IRS=] doesn't know what the Tax Code says. Last year, the Treasury Department discovered -- I am still not making this up -- that the [=IRS=] paid out more than $30 million to people who filed for the slavery tax credit. Yes! Thirty million dollars! Only guess what? It turns out there IS no slavery tax credit! Whoops!\n-->--'''Dave Barry''', ''Want a little something [=EGTRRA=]''\n\n-> Here's my proposal, which is based on the TV show Series/{{Survivor}}: We put the entire Congress on an island. All the food on this island is locked inside a vault, which can be opened only by an ordinary American taxpayer named Bob. Every day, the congresspersons are given a section of the Tax Code, which they must rewrite so that Bob can understand it. If he can, he lets them eat that day; if he can't, he doesn't.\n-->--'''Dave Barry''', ''Want a little something [=EGTRRA=]''\n
13th Feb '13 7:43:19 AM ZarbiNerada
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Added DiffLines:

->[[OOCIsSeriousBusiness No humor column today]]. [[TooSoon I don't want to write it and you don't want to read it]].
-->--'''Dave Barry''', ''Just for Being Americans'' (his September 13, 2001 column)
7th Jan '13 10:13:25 PM nombretomado
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-> Here's my proposal, which is based on the TV show {{Survivor}}: We put the entire Congress on an island. All the food on this island is locked inside a vault, which can be opened only by an ordinary American taxpayer named Bob. Every day, the congresspersons are given a section of the Tax Code, which they must rewrite so that Bob can understand it. If he can, he lets them eat that day; if he can't, he doesn't.

to:

-> Here's my proposal, which is based on the TV show {{Survivor}}: Series/{{Survivor}}: We put the entire Congress on an island. All the food on this island is locked inside a vault, which can be opened only by an ordinary American taxpayer named Bob. Every day, the congresspersons are given a section of the Tax Code, which they must rewrite so that Bob can understand it. If he can, he lets them eat that day; if he can't, he doesn't.
15th Nov '12 10:30:33 PM nombretomado
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->'''IRS AUDITOR:''' Also, on page 23, you claim, as dependents, and I quote: "The Entire Cast of BuffyTheVampireSlayer."

to:

->'''IRS AUDITOR:''' Also, on page 23, you claim, as dependents, and I quote: "The Entire Cast of BuffyTheVampireSlayer.Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer."
5th May '11 8:39:57 PM phantasm1
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-> '''TODAY'S WRITING TIP FOR JOB-SEEKERS:''' When writing a résumé, be sure to use "power words" to describe your accomplishments and skills:

to:

-> '''TODAY'S WRITING TIP FOR JOB-SEEKERS:''' When writing a résumé, résumé, be sure to use "power words" to describe your accomplishments and skills:
10th Nov '10 3:22:19 PM UncloudedTJ
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->We have reached the point where even the [=IRS=] doesn't know what the Tax Code says. Last year, the Treasury Department discovered -- [[ I am still not making this up]] -- that the [=IRS=] paid out more than $30 million to people who filed for the slavery tax credit. Yes! Thirty million dollars! Only guess what? It turns out there IS no slavery tax credit! Whoops!

to:

->We have reached the point where even the [=IRS=] doesn't know what the Tax Code says. Last year, the Treasury Department discovered -- [[ I am still not making this up]] up -- that the [=IRS=] paid out more than $30 million to people who filed for the slavery tax credit. Yes! Thirty million dollars! Only guess what? It turns out there IS no slavery tax credit! Whoops!
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