History JustForFun / HowToInvadeAnAlienPlanet

29th Feb '16 10:21:49 AM spydre
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# If you're looking for some ridiculously common substance like helium, water, oxygen, etc., there are ''millions'' of lifeless rocks where you can get the stuff essentially for free, without the need to fight off pesky hostile natives. Water is the commonest compound in the universe; even if you happen to live on Tatooine, your solar system probably contains multiple Earths' worth of water in its comets alone.[[note]] Not "multile Earths" as in "many times the amount of water on Earth"; "multiple Earths" as in "many times the Earth's ''entire mass''".[[/note]] Aluminum? Uranium? Go mine an asteroid and leave the PunyEarthlings alone.

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# If you're looking for some ridiculously common substance like helium, water, oxygen, etc., there are ''millions'' of lifeless rocks where you can get the stuff essentially for free, without the need to fight off pesky hostile natives. Water is the commonest compound in the universe; even if you happen to live on Tatooine, your solar system probably contains multiple Earths' worth of water in its comets alone.[[note]] Not "multile "multiple Earths" as in "many times the amount of water on Earth"; "multiple Earths" as in "many times the Earth's ''entire mass''".[[/note]] Aluminum? Uranium? Go mine an asteroid and leave the PunyEarthlings alone.
29th Feb '16 10:17:03 AM spydre
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# If you're looking for some ridiculously common substance like helium, water, oxygen, etc., there are ''millions'' of lifeless rocks where you can get the stuff essentially for free, without the need to fight off pesky hostile natives. Water is the commonest compound in the universe; even if you happen to live on Tatooine, your solar system probably contains multiple Earths' worth of water in its comets alone. Aluminum? Uranium? Go mine an asteroid and leave the PunyEarthlings alone.

to:

# If you're looking for some ridiculously common substance like helium, water, oxygen, etc., there are ''millions'' of lifeless rocks where you can get the stuff essentially for free, without the need to fight off pesky hostile natives. Water is the commonest compound in the universe; even if you happen to live on Tatooine, your solar system probably contains multiple Earths' worth of water in its comets alone. [[note]] Not "multile Earths" as in "many times the amount of water on Earth"; "multiple Earths" as in "many times the Earth's ''entire mass''".[[/note]] Aluminum? Uranium? Go mine an asteroid and leave the PunyEarthlings alone.
20th Feb '16 6:36:33 PM aluce7
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# Hire a really good cultural interpreter to help you get around those [[EitherWorldDominationOrSomethingAboutBananas unfortunate misunderstandings]] that occur when you are dealing with [[StarfishLanguage alien language]] and customs. It really damages any occupation attempt when the first thing thing the locals hear you say is [[MyHovercraftIsFullOfEels how your hovercraft is full of eels]] rather than how your spacecraft is full of orbital-bombardment cannons.
# Don't remark on how [[HumansAreUgly ugly]], short, tall, overlimbed, underlimbed, [[PunyEarthlings weak]], [[HumansAreMorons stupid]], [[HumansAreSmelly stinky]] or [[EnergyBeings non-spectral]] the natives are (at least not in public) as it's never a good thing to insult the hosts.
# If you really do [[IComeInPeace come in peace]], expect the locals to speak a ''[[StarfishLanguage very]]'' different language from [[IndoEuropeanAlienLanguage yours]]. There will have to be a [[YouFailLinguisticsForever great deal of time invested in decoding and learning]] the mode of communication well enough to establish diplomatic relations.


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# If you decide to go through with this step, expect the locals to speak a ''[[StarfishLanguage very]]'' different language from [[IndoEuropeanAlienLanguage yours]]. There will have to be a [[ArtisticLicenseLinguistics great deal of time invested in decoding and learning]] it well enough to establish diplomatic relations.
# Hire a really good cultural interpreter to help you get around those [[EitherWorldDominationOrSomethingAboutBananas unfortunate misunderstandings]] that occur when you are dealing with [[StarfishLanguage alien languages]] and customs. It really damages any occupation attempt when the first thing thing the locals hear you say is [[MyHovercraftIsFullOfEels how your hovercraft is full of eels]] rather than how your spacecraft is full of orbital-bombardment cannons.
# Don't remark on how [[HumansAreUgly ugly]], short, tall, overlimbed, underlimbed, [[PunyEarthlings weak]], [[HumansAreMorons stupid]], [[HumansAreSmelly stinky]] or [[EnergyBeings non-spectral]] the natives are (at least not in public) as it's never a good thing to insult the hosts.
18th Feb '16 10:57:49 AM spydre
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# Before you even start shooting, study the native technology to make sure that your super-advanced weaponry isn't [[CoolButInefficient startlingly]] [[AwesomeButImpractical inferior]] to its [[RockBeatsLaser mundane equivalent]].
** Corollary: ''Never'' underestimate the enemy's ability to [[StarWars improvise]].
** Second Corollary: Analyze their technology from every possible angle. Is there anything seemingly harmless that [[SuperweaponSurprise could be used as a powerful weapon]]? Be sure not to overlook [[WeaponizedExhaust easily-weaponized non-weapons technology]] when making a threat assessment! (See those [[KnownSpace big cats]] over there? Ask them about this one; will ''they'' have stories to tell). Keep in mind that [[ProudWarriorRaceGuy depending on]] [[HumansAreWarriors the species]], an effective LotusEaterMachine and an [[IKnowMortalKombat advanced military training simulator]] may turn out to be [[WarriorHeaven the same thing]].
** Third Corollary: Don't be too proud to steal ideas. If it works well against you, it might work well against others.



# If you have an insatiable desire to eat souls, have you considered manufacturing them? Souls are software objects: investing in the mass simulation of innocents is both cheaper and safer than eating out. [[note]]Call Microserf for a meeting in your star system.[[/note]]
# If your civilization is trying to recover a piece of LostTechnology last seen in this sector of space, always, ''always'', '''''always''''' assume that the natives have found it, reverse-engineered it, or know how to use it, and plan accordingly. If you believe that your invasion will be utterly destroyed if the natives use this technology, just don't bother.



# Can you [[AbusingTheKardashevScaleForFunAndProfit trade]] with the locals instead of conquering? Many planets even practice slavery, and they certainly will like your new technology. Just remember to trade them microwave ovens, not death rays... and you may even want to rethink giving away that microwave oven tech, unless you fancy the risk of being toasted with MASER weaponry.

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# Can If your civilization is trying to recover a piece of LostTechnology last seen in this sector of space, always, ''always'', '''''always''''' assume that the natives have found it, reverse-engineered it, or know how to use it, and plan accordingly. If you [[AbusingTheKardashevScaleForFunAndProfit trade]] with the locals instead of conquering? Many planets even practice slavery, and they certainly believe that your invasion will like your new technology. Just remember to trade them microwave ovens, not death rays... and you may even want to rethink giving away that microwave oven tech, unless you fancy be utterly destroyed if the risk of being toasted with MASER weaponry.natives use this technology, just don't bother.



# If you have an insatiable desire to eat souls, have you considered manufacturing them? Souls are software objects: investing in the mass simulation of innocents is both cheaper and safer than eating out. [[note]]Call Microserf for a meeting in your star system.[[/note]]



# At the end of the [[ExpospeakGag Planetary rotation period]], your best bet may be to remember [[Series/StarTrekDeepSpaceNine Rule of Acquisition #35]]: "Peace is good for business." It's much cheaper in the long run to trade than to invade. If you use this route, however, keep your deals square. Otherwise you'll face a threat worse than any armored or caped or scarfed hero: ''[[EvilLawyerJoke lawyers]]''.
# Before you even start shooting, study the native technology to make sure that your super-advanced weaponry isn't [[CoolButInefficient startlingly]] [[AwesomeButImpractical inferior]] to its [[RockBeatsLaser mundane equivalent]].
** Corollary: ''Never'' underestimate the enemy's ability to [[StarWars improvise]].
** Second Corollary: Analyze their technology from every possible angle. Is there anything seemingly harmless that [[SuperweaponSurprise could be used as a powerful weapon]]? Be sure not to overlook [[WeaponizedExhaust easily-weaponized non-weapons technology]] when making a threat assessment! (See those [[KnownSpace big cats]] over there? Ask them about this one; will ''they'' have stories to tell). Keep in mind that [[ProudWarriorRaceGuy depending on]] [[HumansAreWarriors the species]], an effective LotusEaterMachine and an [[IKnowMortalKombat advanced military training simulator]] may turn out to be [[WarriorHeaven the same thing]].
** Third Corollary: Don't be too proud to steal ideas. If it works well against you, it might work well against others.

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# At the end of the [[ExpospeakGag Planetary rotation period]], your best bet may be to remember [[Series/StarTrekDeepSpaceNine Rule of Acquisition #35]]: "Peace is good for business." It's much cheaper in the long run to trade [[AbusingTheKardashevScaleForFunAndProfit trade]] than to invade. Many planets even practice slavery, and they certainly will like your new technology. Just remember to trade them microwave ovens, not death rays (and you may even want to rethink giving away that microwave oven tech, unless you fancy the risk of being toasted with MASER weaponry). If you use this route, however, remember to keep your deals square. Otherwise you'll face a threat worse than any armored or caped or scarfed hero: ''[[EvilLawyerJoke lawyers]]''.
# Before you even start shooting, study the native technology to make sure that your super-advanced weaponry isn't [[CoolButInefficient startlingly]] [[AwesomeButImpractical inferior]] to its [[RockBeatsLaser mundane equivalent]].
** Corollary: ''Never'' underestimate the enemy's ability to [[StarWars improvise]].
** Second Corollary: Analyze their technology from every possible angle. Is there anything seemingly harmless that [[SuperweaponSurprise could be used as a powerful weapon]]? Be sure not to overlook [[WeaponizedExhaust easily-weaponized non-weapons technology]] when making a threat assessment! (See those [[KnownSpace big cats]] over there? Ask them about this one; will ''they'' have stories to tell). Keep in mind that [[ProudWarriorRaceGuy depending on]] [[HumansAreWarriors the species]], an effective LotusEaterMachine and an [[IKnowMortalKombat advanced military training simulator]] may turn out to be [[WarriorHeaven the same thing]].
** Third Corollary: Don't be too proud to steal ideas. If it works well against you, it might work well against others.
10th Feb '16 11:25:45 AM spydre
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# Once you have a clear idea of the life forms you intend to subsume and of their culture, now is the time to do some ''very'' intense politicking. No truly sentient race, no matter how inherently violent, is composed entirely of ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. [[KlingonScientistsGetNoRespect Someone has to do the bookeeping and keep the libraries running.]] Even your [[WesternAnimation/StevenUniverse best and highest ranking soldiers]] might have qualms about exterminating all life on the target planet, and some, should the invasion take place, [[Film/{{Avatar}} might even go native]]. Before you begin your expedition therefore, it is absolutely vital that you get your entire population on side. [[PropagandaMachine Propaganda]] is the best method of achieving this, particularly portraying your targets as ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. If they are [[HumansAreTheRealMonsters anything like ourselves]], that shouldn't be too hard.

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# Once you have a clear idea of the life forms you intend to subsume and of their culture, now is the time to do some ''very'' intense politicking. No truly sentient race, [[AliensAreBastards no matter how inherently violent, violent,]] is composed entirely of ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. [[KlingonScientistsGetNoRespect Someone has to do the bookeeping and keep the libraries running.]] Even your [[WesternAnimation/StevenUniverse best and highest ranking soldiers]] might have qualms about exterminating all life on the target planet, and some, should the invasion take place, [[Film/{{Avatar}} might even go native]]. Before you begin your expedition therefore, it is absolutely vital that you get your entire population on side. [[PropagandaMachine Propaganda]] is the best method of achieving this, particularly portraying your targets as ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. If they are [[HumansAreTheRealMonsters anything like ourselves]], that shouldn't be too hard.
7th Feb '16 12:48:47 AM spydre
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# Once you have a clear idea of the life forms you intend to subsume and of their culture, now is the time to do some ''very'' intense politicking. No truly sentient race, no matter how inherently violent, is composed entirely of ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. [[KlingonScientistsGetNoRespect Someone has to do the bookeeping and keep the libraries running.]] Even your [[WesternAnimation/StevenUniverse best and highest ranking soldiers]] might have qualms about exterminating all life on the target planet, and some, should the invasion take place, [[Film/{{Avatar}} might even go native]]. Before you begin your expedition therefore, it is absolutely vital that you get your entire population on side. [[PropagandaMachine Propaganda]] is the best method of achieving this, particularly portraying your targets as ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. If they are [[HumansAreMonsters anything like ourselves]], that shouldn't be too hard.

to:

# Once you have a clear idea of the life forms you intend to subsume and of their culture, now is the time to do some ''very'' intense politicking. No truly sentient race, no matter how inherently violent, is composed entirely of ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. [[KlingonScientistsGetNoRespect Someone has to do the bookeeping and keep the libraries running.]] Even your [[WesternAnimation/StevenUniverse best and highest ranking soldiers]] might have qualms about exterminating all life on the target planet, and some, should the invasion take place, [[Film/{{Avatar}} might even go native]]. Before you begin your expedition therefore, it is absolutely vital that you get your entire population on side. [[PropagandaMachine Propaganda]] is the best method of achieving this, particularly portraying your targets as ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. If they are [[HumansAreMonsters [[HumansAreTheRealMonsters anything like ourselves]], that shouldn't be too hard.
7th Feb '16 12:47:51 AM spydre
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# Once you have a clear idea of the life forms you intend to subsume and of their culture, now is the time to do some ''very'' intense politicking. No truly sentient race, no matter how inherently violent, is composed entirely of ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. [[KlingonScientistsGetNoRespect Someone has to do the bookeeping and keep the libraries running.]] Even your [[WesternAnimation/StevenUniverse best and highest ranking soldiers]] might have qualms about exterminating all life on the target planet, and some, should the invasion take place, [[Film/{{Avatar}} might even go native]]. Before you begin your expedition therefore, it is absolutely vital that you get your entire population on side. [[PropagandaMachine Propaganda]] is the best method of achieving this, particularly portraying your targets as vicious, amoral murderers. If they are anything like ourselves, that shouldn't be too hard.

to:

# Once you have a clear idea of the life forms you intend to subsume and of their culture, now is the time to do some ''very'' intense politicking. No truly sentient race, no matter how inherently violent, is composed entirely of ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. [[KlingonScientistsGetNoRespect Someone has to do the bookeeping and keep the libraries running.]] Even your [[WesternAnimation/StevenUniverse best and highest ranking soldiers]] might have qualms about exterminating all life on the target planet, and some, should the invasion take place, [[Film/{{Avatar}} might even go native]]. Before you begin your expedition therefore, it is absolutely vital that you get your entire population on side. [[PropagandaMachine Propaganda]] is the best method of achieving this, particularly portraying your targets as vicious, amoral murderers. ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. If they are [[HumansAreMonsters anything like ourselves, ourselves]], that shouldn't be too hard.
7th Feb '16 12:44:39 AM spydre
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# Once you have a clear idea of the life forms you intend to subsume and of their culture, now is the time to do some ''very'' intense politicking. No truly sentient race, no matter how inherently violent, is composed entirely of ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. [[KlingonScientistsGetNoRespect Someone has to do the bookeeping and keep the libraries running.]] Even your [[WesternAnimation/StevenUniverse best and highest ranking soldiers]] might have qualms about exterminating all life on the target planet, and some, should the invasion take place, [[Film/Avatar might even go native]]. Before you begin your expedition therefore, it is absolutely vital that you get your entire population on side. [[PropagandaMachine Propaganda]] is the best method of achieving this, particularly portraying your targets as vicious, amoral murderers. If they are anything like ourselves, that shouldn't be too hard.

to:

# Once you have a clear idea of the life forms you intend to subsume and of their culture, now is the time to do some ''very'' intense politicking. No truly sentient race, no matter how inherently violent, is composed entirely of ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. [[KlingonScientistsGetNoRespect Someone has to do the bookeeping and keep the libraries running.]] Even your [[WesternAnimation/StevenUniverse best and highest ranking soldiers]] might have qualms about exterminating all life on the target planet, and some, should the invasion take place, [[Film/Avatar [[Film/{{Avatar}} might even go native]]. Before you begin your expedition therefore, it is absolutely vital that you get your entire population on side. [[PropagandaMachine Propaganda]] is the best method of achieving this, particularly portraying your targets as vicious, amoral murderers. If they are anything like ourselves, that shouldn't be too hard.
7th Feb '16 12:43:39 AM spydre
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Added DiffLines:

# Once you have a clear idea of the life forms you intend to subsume and of their culture, now is the time to do some ''very'' intense politicking. No truly sentient race, no matter how inherently violent, is composed entirely of ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. [[KlingonScientistsGetNoRespect Someone has to do the bookeeping and keep the libraries running.]] Even your [[WesternAnimation/StevenUniverse best and highest ranking soldiers]] might have qualms about exterminating all life on the target planet, and some, should the invasion take place, [[Film/Avatar might even go native]]. Before you begin your expedition therefore, it is absolutely vital that you get your entire population on side. [[PropagandaMachine Propaganda]] is the best method of achieving this, particularly portraying your targets as vicious, amoral murderers. If they are anything like ourselves, that shouldn't be too hard.
25th Jan '16 10:18:45 PM emerald005
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# If the heavier elements of your invasion fleet [[VideoGame/XCom have to arrive later due to logistical problems]], '''Wait'''. Do not waste precious troops sending down your scout forces to be annihilated and give the locals opportunities to study your race.
# All of your troops should be reminded that they have orbital superiority. The best direction to retreat is ''up''.
** Corollary: The best direction to attack is ''down''. Don't risk your [[Film/IndependenceDay city destroyer]] unnecessarily by moving it in a straight line nor having it [[OminousFloatingSpaceship hover above the target even after it has razed it to the ground]]. [[RuleOfCool It looks cool]] but [[AwesomeButImpractical offers zero tactical benefit]].
# [[EliteMooks Special forces]] should be used to eliminate targets of strategic importance, operating ''alongside'' or ''before'' the main invasion force. They should not be sent in as a last resort.



** In the same vein, you cannot hope to invade a planet with five (or god forbid, ''one'') FlyingSaucers. No matter how many cities a single one can take or how much a single one of your troops outmatches the locals, you have no hope of occupying the planet.
** If you are the remnants of a scouting or invading force that arrived without the rest of the fleet for some reason, ''radio home for backup''. Do not attempt to take on the entire military might of the locals by yourself.



# If the heavier elements of your invasion fleet [[VideoGame/XCom have to arrive later due to logistical problems]]. '''Wait'''. Do not waste precious troops sending down your scout forces to be annihilated and give the locals opportunities to study your race.
# All of your troops should be reminded that they have orbital superiority. The best direction to retreat is ''up''.
** Corollary: The best direction to attack is, conversely, ''down''. Don't risk your [[Film/IndependenceDay city destroyer]] unnecessarily by moving it in a straight line nor having it [[OminousFloatingSpaceship hover above the target even after it has razed it to the ground]]. [[RuleOfCool It looks cool]] but [[AwesomeButImpractical offers zero tactical benefit]].
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