History JustForFun / HowToInvadeAnAlienPlanet

4th Dec '17 7:56:45 AM Cryoclaste
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# Similarly, keep a constant watch for: [[Series/DoctorWho a small, innocent-looking blue box]], [[Franchise/StargateVerse covert military units with "SG" in the name]], [[Anime/TengenToppaGurrenLagann mecha sporting]] CoolShades, [[Franchise/StarTrek saucer-shaped cruisers]], [[Franchise/SuperSentai giant]] [[Franchise/PowerRangers robots]], [[Film/MenInBlack well-dressed men in sunglasses]], [[VideoGame/SwordOfTheStars starships with ring-shaped FTL systems]], [[SuperHero vigilantes in colorful costumes who casually defy the laws of physics]], [[{{Metroid}} a power-armored warrior with huge spherical shoulders]], or [[Franchise/{{Halo}} anyone in power armor]], even if they're [[VideoGame/HalfLife bespectacled physicists]] with [[WeaponOfChoice crowbars]]. Spot any of these and you're better off staying home. While you're at it, also check for [[Franchise/{{Transformers}} any uninvited guests masquerading as local machinery]]; such party-crashers usually have drama of their own, and you do not want to get sucked into it.

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# Similarly, keep a constant watch for: [[Series/DoctorWho a small, innocent-looking blue box]], [[Franchise/StargateVerse covert military units with "SG" in the name]], [[Anime/TengenToppaGurrenLagann mecha sporting]] CoolShades, [[Franchise/StarTrek saucer-shaped cruisers]], [[Franchise/SuperSentai giant]] [[Franchise/PowerRangers robots]], [[Film/MenInBlack well-dressed men in sunglasses]], [[VideoGame/SwordOfTheStars starships with ring-shaped FTL systems]], [[SuperHero vigilantes in colorful costumes who casually defy the laws of physics]], [[{{Metroid}} [[Franchise/{{Metroid}} a power-armored warrior with huge spherical shoulders]], or [[Franchise/{{Halo}} anyone in power armor]], even if they're [[VideoGame/HalfLife bespectacled physicists]] with [[WeaponOfChoice crowbars]]. Spot any of these and you're better off staying home. While you're at it, also check for [[Franchise/{{Transformers}} any uninvited guests masquerading as local machinery]]; such party-crashers usually have drama of their own, and you do not want to get sucked into it.
14th Nov '17 6:53:15 PM Alipony
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** Caveat 3: don't feel like you're going to have an easy time just because you have a species of pacifists or at least very peaceful people on your hands. If they have a pretty warlike history, you can be sure that at least some of the old fire is still burning and they are probably only restrained by their luxuries. If you are unlucky, the all turn into Klingons as soon as you take their luxuries away from them and give you hell.

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** Caveat 3: don't feel like you're going to have an easy time just because you have a species of pacifists or at least very peaceful people on your hands. If they have a pretty warlike history, you can be sure that at least some of the old fire is still burning and they are probably only restrained by their luxuries. If you are unlucky, the they all turn into Klingons as soon as you take their luxuries away from them and give you hell.
7th Oct '17 10:42:34 AM nombretomado
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# At the end of the [[ExpospeakGag Planetary rotation period]], your best bet may be to remember [[Series/StarTrekDeepSpaceNine Rule of Acquisition #35]]: "Peace is good for business." It's much cheaper in the long run to [[AbusingTheKardashevScaleForFunAndProfit trade]] than to invade. Many planets even practice slavery, and they certainly will like your new technology. Just remember to trade them microwave ovens, not death rays (and you may even want to rethink giving away that microwave oven tech, unless you fancy the risk of being toasted with MASER weaponry). If you use this route, remember to keep your deals square. Otherwise you'll face a threat worse than any armored or caped or scarfed hero: ''[[EvilLawyerJoke lawyers]]''.

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# At the end of the [[ExpospeakGag Planetary rotation period]], your best bet may be to remember [[Series/StarTrekDeepSpaceNine Rule of Acquisition #35]]: "Peace is good for business." It's much cheaper in the long run to [[AbusingTheKardashevScaleForFunAndProfit [[JustForFun/AbusingTheKardashevScaleForFunAndProfit trade]] than to invade. Many planets even practice slavery, and they certainly will like your new technology. Just remember to trade them microwave ovens, not death rays (and you may even want to rethink giving away that microwave oven tech, unless you fancy the risk of being toasted with MASER weaponry). If you use this route, remember to keep your deals square. Otherwise you'll face a threat worse than any armored or caped or scarfed hero: ''[[EvilLawyerJoke lawyers]]''.
17th Sep '17 2:14:44 PM nombretomado
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''If instead you want to destroy the place, go to WhyYouShouldDestroyThePlanetEarth.''

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''If instead you want to destroy the place, go to WhyYouShouldDestroyThePlanetEarth.JustForFun/WhyYouShouldDestroyThePlanetEarth.''
8th Sep '17 10:21:47 PM CerotechOmega
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# If, despite all your preparation and technology, you're losing the invasion, be sure to wipe your starmaps. The last thing you want to do is give those little bastards directions to your homeworld so they can [[Literature/EndersGame launch a punitive invasion]].

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# If, despite all your preparation and technology, you're losing the invasion, be sure to wipe your starmaps. The last thing you want to do is give those little bastards directions to your homeworld so they can [[Literature/EndersGame launch a punitive invasion]]. Do this the '''instant''' you detect a [[Franchise/{{Metroid}} visor-shaped starship]] in your immediate corner of the galaxy; its spherical-shouldered pilot has a tendency to make planets explode, and the longer it takes her to find yours, the better off your empire will be.
7th Sep '17 5:22:49 PM Exxolon
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# ''Secure your damn computers.'' This gets brought up in other phases, but it cannot be emphasized enough. Don't leave your home planet until your MasterComputer is good and damn protected [[[[Film/IndependenceDay against any intrusion attempt (no matter how unlikely)]] and your mothership is staffed with competent IT personnel among your underlings to make sure it stays that way. And treat them like goddamn royalty, General, because they'll be what keeps you and your invasion fleet alive and intact to finish your conquest.

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# ''Secure your damn computers.'' This gets brought up in other phases, but it cannot be emphasized enough. Don't leave your home planet until your MasterComputer is good and damn protected [[[[Film/IndependenceDay [[Film/IndependenceDay against any intrusion attempt (no matter how unlikely)]] and your mothership is staffed with competent IT personnel among your underlings to make sure it stays that way. And treat them like goddamn royalty, General, because they'll be what keeps you and your invasion fleet alive and intact to finish your conquest.
7th Sep '17 5:22:31 PM Exxolon
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# ''Secure your damn computers.'' This gets brought up in other phases, but it cannot be emphasized enough. Don't leave your home planet until your MasterComputer is good and damn protected against any intrusion attempt (no matter how unlikely) and your mothership is staffed with competent IT personnel among your underlings to make sure it stays that way. And treat them like goddamn royalty, General, because they'll be what keeps you and your invasion fleet alive and intact to finish your conquest.

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# ''Secure your damn computers.'' This gets brought up in other phases, but it cannot be emphasized enough. Don't leave your home planet until your MasterComputer is good and damn protected [[[[Film/IndependenceDay against any intrusion attempt (no matter how unlikely) unlikely)]] and your mothership is staffed with competent IT personnel among your underlings to make sure it stays that way. And treat them like goddamn royalty, General, because they'll be what keeps you and your invasion fleet alive and intact to finish your conquest.
23rd Jul '17 5:59:49 AM Volcatharsis
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# Once you have a clear idea of the life forms you intend to subsume and of their culture, now is the time to do some ''very'' intense politicking. No truly sapient race, [[AliensAreBastards no matter how inherently violent,]] is composed entirely of ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. [[KlingonScientistsGetNoRespect Someone has to do the bookeeping and keep the libraries running.]] Even your [[WesternAnimation/StevenUniverse best and highest ranking soldiers]] might have qualms about exterminating all life on the target planet, and some, should the invasion take place, [[Film/{{Avatar}} might even go native]]. Before you begin your expedition therefore, it is absolutely vital that you get your entire population on side. [[PropagandaMachine Propaganda]] is the best method of achieving this, particularly portraying your targets as ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. If they are [[HumansAreTheRealMonsters anything like ourselves]], that shouldn't be too hard.

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# Once you have a clear idea of the life forms you intend to subsume and of their culture, now is the time to do some ''very'' intense politicking. No truly sapient race, [[AliensAreBastards no matter how inherently violent,]] is composed entirely of ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. [[KlingonScientistsGetNoRespect Someone has to do the bookeeping bookkeeping and keep the libraries running.]] Even your [[WesternAnimation/StevenUniverse best and highest ranking soldiers]] might have qualms about exterminating all life on the target planet, and some, should the invasion take place, [[Film/{{Avatar}} might even go native]]. Before you begin your expedition therefore, it is absolutely vital that you get your entire population on side. [[PropagandaMachine Propaganda]] is the best method of achieving this, particularly portraying your targets as ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. If they are [[HumansAreTheRealMonsters anything like ourselves]], that shouldn't be too hard.



# Don't remark on how [[HumansAreUgly ugly]], short, tall, overlimbed, underlimbed, [[PunyEarthlings weak]], [[HumansAreMorons stupid]], [[HumansAreSmelly stinky]] or [[EnergyBeings non-spectral]] the natives are (at least not in public) as it's never a good thing to insult the hosts.

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# Don't remark on how [[HumansAreUgly ugly]], short, tall, overlimbed, underlimbed, [[PunyEarthlings weak]], [[HumansAreMorons stupid]], [[HumansAreSmelly stinky]] or [[EnergyBeings non-spectral]] the natives are (at least not in public) as it's never a good thing to insult the hosts. [[BlueAndOrangeMorality Well, most of the time, anyway.]]
12th Jul '17 12:10:23 AM Doug86
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** Second Corollary: Analyze their technology from every possible angle. Is there anything seemingly harmless that [[SuperweaponSurprise could be used as a powerful weapon]]? Be sure not to overlook [[WeaponizedExhaust easily-weaponized non-weapons technology]] when making a threat assessment! (See those [[KnownSpace big cats]] over there? Ask them about this one; will ''they'' have stories to tell). Keep in mind that [[ProudWarriorRaceGuy depending on]] [[HumansAreWarriors the species]], an effective LotusEaterMachine and an [[IKnowMortalKombat advanced military training simulator]] may turn out to be [[WarriorHeaven the same thing]].

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** Second Corollary: Analyze their technology from every possible angle. Is there anything seemingly harmless that [[SuperweaponSurprise could be used as a powerful weapon]]? Be sure not to overlook [[WeaponizedExhaust easily-weaponized non-weapons technology]] when making a threat assessment! (See those [[KnownSpace [[Literature/KnownSpace big cats]] over there? Ask them about this one; will ''they'' have stories to tell). Keep in mind that [[ProudWarriorRaceGuy depending on]] [[HumansAreWarriors the species]], an effective LotusEaterMachine and an [[IKnowMortalKombat advanced military training simulator]] may turn out to be [[WarriorHeaven the same thing]].



** On the other hand, providing good living conditions, health care, and good pay (in currency worthless to you) can work quite well so long as your own people don't have obviously superior living conditions. As slaves, aboriginals are nothing but trouble. As "valued employees," [[KnownSpace aboriginals may prove surprisingly useful]].

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** On the other hand, providing good living conditions, health care, and good pay (in currency worthless to you) can work quite well so long as your own people don't have obviously superior living conditions. As slaves, aboriginals are nothing but trouble. As "valued employees," [[KnownSpace [[Literature/KnownSpace aboriginals may prove surprisingly useful]].
8th Jul '17 4:43:28 AM spydre
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# Once you've gotten an idea of what the natives are like, ''never'' make assumptions of how rapidly they'll advance between now and the invasion. If you come to a planet [[Literature/{{Worldwar}} assuming that they'd still be wielding sticks]] and they're actually developing the atomic bomb, you're in real trouble. [[TabletopGame/{{Warhammer 40000}} Especially if they are now arguably more advanced than you]].

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# Learn your TechnologyLevels! Even in with all the {{Alternate Techline}}s out there, knowing in general what stage of development a planet is in will be essential for a successful invasion; especially when identifying technology that has been supplied by rival stellar civilizations. Natives of a planet that's on the verge of [[FasterThanLightTravel FTL travel]] and those who have just discovered flint knapping will each have [[NoSuchThingAsSpaceJesus very different reactions]] to your presence.
** Corollary:
Once you've gotten an idea of what the natives are like, ''never'' make assumptions of how rapidly they'll advance between now and the invasion. If you come to a planet [[Literature/{{Worldwar}} assuming that they'd still be wielding sticks]] and they're actually developing the atomic bomb, you're in real trouble. [[TabletopGame/{{Warhammer 40000}} Especially if they are now arguably more advanced than you]].



# Learn your TechnologyLevels! Even in with all the {{Alternate Techline}}s out there, knowing in general what stage of development a planet is in will be essential for a successful invasion; especially when identifying technology that has been supplied by rival stellar civilizations. Natives of a planet that's on the verge of [[FasterThanLightTravel FTL travel]] and those who have just discovered flint knapping will each have [[NoSuchThingAsSpaceJesus very different reactions]] to your presence.
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