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* [[https://www.theonion.com/man-didn-t-go-to-doctor-for-lecture-about-what-should-a-1850925599 "Man Didn't Go To Doctor For Lecture About What Should And Should Not]] [[AssShove Go In Ass"]]
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** [[https://www.theonion.com/onion-film-standard-good-will-hunting-1849624180 His review]] of ''Film/GoodWillHunting'', which he praises for having everything a film needs: a story arc, cinematography, supporting characters, music, qns credits. He never actually says if any of them are good or bad, just that the movie sure does have them. He then describes the plot of the film... or rather, the basic outline of the plot of most films, such as saying it takes place in "a setting". The only details he gives that are actually specific to the film are that it is called "Good Will Hunting", and it was released in 1997.

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** [[https://www.theonion.com/onion-film-standard-good-will-hunting-1849624180 His review]] of ''Film/GoodWillHunting'', which he praises for having everything a film needs: a story arc, cinematography, supporting characters, music, qns and credits. [[DamnedByFaintPraise He never actually says if any of them are good or bad, bad]], [[TriviallyObvious just that the movie sure does have them.them]]. He then describes the plot of the film... or rather, the basic outline of the plot of most films, such as saying it takes place in "a setting". The only details he gives that are actually specific to the film are that it is called "Good Will Hunting", and it was released in 1997.
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** [[https://www.theonion.com/onion-film-standard-good-will-hunting-1849624180 His review]] of ''Film/GoodWillHunting'', which he praises for having everything a film needs: a story arc, cinematography, supporting characters, music, qns credits. He never actually says if any of them are good or bad, just that the movie sure does have them. He then describes the plot of the film... or rather, the basic outline of the plot of most films, such as saying it takes place in "a setting". The only details he gives that are actually specific to the film are that it is called "Good Will Hunting", and it was released in 1997.
--> '''Peter Rosenthal:''' Simply put, the elements of a movie are [[CaptainObvious all present in this film]].
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* When it was still a physical newspaper, The Onion did obituaries for a while. One was for a lab rat who "heroically" tolerated twice the lethal amount of a test chemical for longer than normal. Another was for a woman, which simply read "exploded."
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* On June 24, 2022, the day of the Roe V Wade overturning, The Onion uploaded a bunch of articles (with only a title and image) of the Supreme Court ruling 5-4 on various radically different thing, including voting 5-4 to [[https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-votes-5-4-to-throw-beer-bottle-at-slut-1849106887 "Throw Beer Bottle At Slut"]], to [[https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-votes-5-4-to-lock-nation-s-toddlers-in-ho-1849106900 "Lock Nation's Toddlers]] [[WouldHurtAChild In Hot Cars"]], and to [[https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-votes-5-4-to-drive-slowly-alongside-woman-1849106907 "Drive Slowly Alongside Woman Walking Home Alone At Night"]].

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* On June 24, 2022, the day of the Roe V Wade overturning, The Onion uploaded a bunch of articles (with only a title and image) of the Supreme Court ruling 5-4 on various radically different thing, things, including voting 5-4 to [[https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-votes-5-4-to-throw-beer-bottle-at-slut-1849106887 "Throw Beer Bottle At Slut"]], to [[https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-votes-5-4-to-lock-nation-s-toddlers-in-ho-1849106900 "Lock Nation's Toddlers]] [[WouldHurtAChild In Hot Cars"]], and to [[https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-votes-5-4-to-drive-slowly-alongside-woman-1849106907 "Drive Slowly Alongside Woman Walking Home Alone At Night"]].
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forgot start qoute


* On June 24, 2022, the day of the Roe V Wade overturning, The Onion uploaded a bunch of articles (with only a title and image) of the Supreme Court ruling 5-4 on various radically different thing, including voting 5-4 to [[https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-votes-5-4-to-throw-beer-bottle-at-slut-1849106887 "Throw Beer Bottle At Slut"]], to [[https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-votes-5-4-to-lock-nation-s-toddlers-in-ho-1849106900 Lock Nation's Toddlers]] [[WouldHurtAChild In Hot Cars"]], and to [[https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-votes-5-4-to-drive-slowly-alongside-woman-1849106907 "Drive Slowly Alongside Woman Walking Home Alone At Night"]].

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* On June 24, 2022, the day of the Roe V Wade overturning, The Onion uploaded a bunch of articles (with only a title and image) of the Supreme Court ruling 5-4 on various radically different thing, including voting 5-4 to [[https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-votes-5-4-to-throw-beer-bottle-at-slut-1849106887 "Throw Beer Bottle At Slut"]], to [[https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-votes-5-4-to-lock-nation-s-toddlers-in-ho-1849106900 Lock "Lock Nation's Toddlers]] [[WouldHurtAChild In Hot Cars"]], and to [[https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-votes-5-4-to-drive-slowly-alongside-woman-1849106907 "Drive Slowly Alongside Woman Walking Home Alone At Night"]].
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simple typo. always proofread, kids


* On June 24, 2022, the day of the Roe V Wade overturning, The Onion uploaded a bunch of articles (with only a title and image) of the Supreme Court ruling 5-4 on various radically different thing, including voting 5-4 to [[https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-votes-5-4-to-throw-beer-bottle-at-slut-1849106887 "Throw Beer Battle At Slut"]], to [[https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-votes-5-4-to-lock-nation-s-toddlers-in-ho-1849106900 Lock Nation's Toddlers]] [[WouldHurtAChild In Hot Cars"]], and to [[https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-votes-5-4-to-drive-slowly-alongside-woman-1849106907 "Drive Slowly Alongside Woman Walking Home Alone At Night"]].

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* On June 24, 2022, the day of the Roe V Wade overturning, The Onion uploaded a bunch of articles (with only a title and image) of the Supreme Court ruling 5-4 on various radically different thing, including voting 5-4 to [[https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-votes-5-4-to-throw-beer-bottle-at-slut-1849106887 "Throw Beer Battle Bottle At Slut"]], to [[https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-votes-5-4-to-lock-nation-s-toddlers-in-ho-1849106900 Lock Nation's Toddlers]] [[WouldHurtAChild In Hot Cars"]], and to [[https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-votes-5-4-to-drive-slowly-alongside-woman-1849106907 "Drive Slowly Alongside Woman Walking Home Alone At Night"]].
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* On June 24, 2022, the day of the Roe V Wade overturning, The Onion uploaded a bunch of articles (with only a title and image) of the Supreme Court ruling 5-4 on various radically different thing, including voting 5-4 to [[https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-votes-5-4-to-throw-beer-bottle-at-slut-1849106887 "Throw Beer Battle At Slut"]], to [[https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-votes-5-4-to-lock-nation-s-toddlers-in-ho-1849106900 Lock Nation's Toddlers]] [[WouldHurtAChild In Hot Cars"]], and to [[https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-votes-5-4-to-drive-slowly-alongside-woman-1849106907 "Drive Slowly Alongside Woman Walking Home Alone At Night"]].
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* "[[https://www.theonion.com/conservative-man-proudly-frightened-of-everything-1849598211 Conservative Man Proudly Frightened of Everything.]]"
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* Related, the articles shedding light on the exploits of former Secretary of State, John Kerry. They portray him as a Franchise/JamesBond superspy. His exploits include ejecting a Russian spy from the international space station, stopping a bunker's self-destruct sequence, and leading a prisoner uprising in a Siberian labor camp. [[http://www.theonion.com/search?q=%22John-Kerry%22 Here's]] a list of articles on the man with "A License to Negotiate".

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* Related, the articles shedding light on the exploits of former Secretary of State, John Kerry. They portray him as a Franchise/JamesBond superspy. His exploits include ejecting a Russian spy from the international space station, stopping a bunker's self-destruct sequence, and leading a prisoner uprising in a Siberian labor camp. [[http://www.[[https://www.theonion.com/search?q=%22John-Kerry%22 com/license-to-negotiate-a-look-back-at-the-covert-operati-1819580943 Here's]] a list of articles on the man with "A License to Negotiate".
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* [[https://www.theonion.com/celebrities-explain-how-they-are-helping-ukraine-1848695261 Celebrities Explain How They Are Helping Ukraine]] ranging from Creator/BruceWillis attempting to find Ukraine on a globe daily to Creator/JaredLeto offering his personal stockpile of nuclear warheads to Zelensky).

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* [[https://www.theonion.com/celebrities-explain-how-they-are-helping-ukraine-1848695261 Celebrities Explain How They Are Helping Ukraine]] ranging from Creator/BruceWillis attempting to find Ukraine on a globe daily to Creator/JaredLeto offering his personal stockpile of nuclear warheads to Zelensky).Zelensky.
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* [[https://www.theonion.com/californians-explain-why-they-left-for-texas-1848683458 Californians Explain Why They Left For Texas]] include Pesticide and children's toy factory owner Corey Melcher who moved to dodge regulations and engineer Douglas Fairbanks who moves states and change his name every three months for reasons he refuses to elaborate on.

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* [[https://www.theonion.com/californians-explain-why-they-left-for-texas-1848683458 Californians Explain Why They Left For Texas]] include Pesticide pesticide and children's toy factory owner Corey Melcher who moved to dodge regulations and engineer Douglas Fairbanks who moves states and change his name every three months for reasons he refuses to elaborate on.
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* [[https://www.theonion.com/californians-explain-why-they-left-for-texas-1848683458 Californians Explain Why They Left For Texas]] include Pesticide and Children's Toy Factory Owner Corey Melcher who moved to dodge regulations and engineer Douglas Fairbanks, who claimed to move states and change his name every three months for unknown reasons.
* [[https://www.theonion.com/celebrities-explain-how-they-are-helping-ukraine-1848695261 Celebrities Explain How They Are Helping Ukraine]] ranges from the apathetic (Creator/BruceWillis attempts to find Ukraine on a globe daily) to the ridiculously helpful (Creator/JaredLeto has a personal stockpile of nuclear warheads which he offers to Zelensky).

to:

* [[https://www.theonion.com/californians-explain-why-they-left-for-texas-1848683458 Californians Explain Why They Left For Texas]] include Pesticide and Children's Toy Factory Owner children's toy factory owner Corey Melcher who moved to dodge regulations and engineer Douglas Fairbanks, Fairbanks who claimed to move moves states and change his name every three months for unknown reasons.
reasons he refuses to elaborate on.
* [[https://www.theonion.com/celebrities-explain-how-they-are-helping-ukraine-1848695261 Celebrities Explain How They Are Helping Ukraine]] ranges ranging from the apathetic (Creator/BruceWillis attempts Creator/BruceWillis attempting to find Ukraine on a globe daily) daily to the ridiculously helpful (Creator/JaredLeto has a Creator/JaredLeto offering his personal stockpile of nuclear warheads which he offers to Zelensky).

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* From the book ''Literature/OurDumbCentury'':
** When UsefulNotes/WorldWarII is declared:
*** In the corner there is a box that says "Biggest Typesetting In All The Land".
*** Hungary reacts to the war by immediately surrendering to the Soviet Union, giving this darkly humorous and eerily plausible description of UsefulNotes/JosefStalin's reaction:
---->Stalin, who was present to accept the Hungarian offer, was seen to deliver a curt nod and smile for a long unblinking moment.
** The entire "holy fucking shit we landed on the Moon" article from 1969's [[https://youtu.be/dIkHLO93lCA video companion]]!
---> '''Tranquility:''' The moon. For Christ's sake. The moon.\\
''({{Beat}})''\\
Over.
** "[[Series/CandidCamera Allen Funt]] Lets Kennedy In On Hilarious 'Cuban Missile Crisis' Prank"
** Smaller side bits promoting features further in the "vintage" papers include "Complete [[Film/{{Rocky}} Creed-Balboa Fight Coverage]]" in 1976 and "Your [[Film/TheEmpireStrikesBack Star Wars 2]] Rumor Central" at the turn of TheEighties.



* Peter K. Rosenthal's review of ''Film/TheHobbitTheDesolationOfSmaug''.
* Peter K. Rosenthal's [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9V5q0qZ1FdY review]] of ''Film/FiftyShadesOfGrey''

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* Peter K. Rosenthal's Rosenthal:
** His
review of ''Film/TheHobbitTheDesolationOfSmaug''.
* Peter K. Rosenthal's ** His [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9V5q0qZ1FdY review]] of ''Film/FiftyShadesOfGrey''

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Removing stuff moved to Funny.Our Dumb Century


*** The entire above-the-fold area is dominated by massive letters "WA- Headline Continued on Page 2".



** The entire "holy fucking shit we landed on the Moon" article from 1969.
*** Now [[https://youtu.be/dIkHLO93lCA with video companion]]!
----> '''Tranquility:''' The moon. For Christ's sake. The moon.\\

to:

** The entire "holy fucking shit we landed on the Moon" article from 1969.
*** Now
1969's [[https://youtu.be/dIkHLO93lCA with video companion]]!
----> ---> '''Tranquility:''' The moon. For Christ's sake. The moon.\\



** "OJ Simpson knifes mercilessly through young, vulnerable defense for 214 yards".
** "[=JFK=] Shot by Mafia, Castro, [=CIA=], Teamsters, [=LBJ=] - president shot 129 times from 43 different angles"
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* In 2010, the Seattle Seahawks became the first losing team to make the playoffs in a non-strike-shortened season. They played the defending champion New Orleans Saints in the first round. The Onion gave us "New Orleans Saints Given First-Round Bye." Then the Saints lost, leading to the headline "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-orleans-saints-lose-firstround-bye,18755/ New Orleans Saints Lose First-Round Bye]]."

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* In 2010, the Seattle UsefulNotes/{{Seattle}} Seahawks became the first losing team to make the playoffs in a non-strike-shortened season. They played the defending champion New Orleans Saints in the first round. The Onion gave us "New Orleans Saints Given First-Round Bye." Then the Saints lost, leading to the headline "[[http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-orleans-saints-lose-firstround-bye,18755/ New Orleans Saints Lose First-Round Bye]]."



* In relation to Donald Trump:

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* In relation to Donald Trump:UsefulNotes/DonaldTrump:
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mainly fixing up indentation


---> '''Tranquility''': The moon. For Christ's sake. The moon.\\

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---> '''Tranquility''': ----> '''Tranquility:''' The moon. For Christ's sake. The moon.\\



--> "This eel has been this shrimp's AA sponsor for 3 years."

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--> "This -->"This eel has been this shrimp's AA sponsor for 3 years."



* [[https://www.theonion.com/you-are-all-inside-amazon-s-second-headquarters-jeff-1829865580 ‘You Are All Inside Amazon’s Second Headquarters,’ Jeff Bezos Announces To Horrified Americans As Massive Dome Envelops Nation]]

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* [[https://www.theonion.com/you-are-all-inside-amazon-s-second-headquarters-jeff-1829865580 ‘You 'You Are All Inside Amazon’s Amazon's Second Headquarters,’ Headquarters', Jeff Bezos Announces To Horrified Americans As Massive Dome Envelops Nation]]



* "[[https://entertainment.theonion.com/roseanne-spinoff-showrunner-hopes-big-puddle-of-blood-1829795955 ‘Roseanne’ Spinoff Showrunner Hopes Big Puddle Of Blood In Kitchen Enough To Explain Main Character’s Disappearance]]"

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* "[[https://entertainment.theonion.com/roseanne-spinoff-showrunner-hopes-big-puddle-of-blood-1829795955 ‘Roseanne’ 'Roseanne' Spinoff Showrunner Hopes Big Puddle Of Blood In Kitchen Enough To Explain Main Character’s Character's Disappearance]]"



** "[[https://politics.theonion.com/they-can-t-arrest-both-of-us-says-giuliani-handcuffi-1838947437 ‘They Can’t Arrest Both Of Us,’ Says Giuliani Handcuffing Himself To Times Square Pikachu]]"

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** "[[https://politics.theonion.com/they-can-t-arrest-both-of-us-says-giuliani-handcuffi-1838947437 ‘They Can’t 'They Can't Arrest Both Of Us,’ Us,' Says Giuliani Handcuffing Himself To Times Square Pikachu]]"



** "[[https://politics.theonion.com/trump-mortified-after-world-series-crowd-starts-booing-1839417630 Trump Mortified After World Series Crowd Starts Booing, Chanting ‘Lock Him Up’ At Melania]]"
** "[[https://politics.theonion.com/oh-jesus-now-what-says-exhausted-trump-turning-on-n-1839478742 ‘Oh Jesus, Now What?’ Says Exhausted Trump Turning On News To See What Bullshit Thing President Did Today]]"

to:

** "[[https://politics.theonion.com/trump-mortified-after-world-series-crowd-starts-booing-1839417630 Trump Mortified After World Series Crowd Starts Booing, Chanting ‘Lock 'Lock Him Up’ Up' At Melania]]"
** "[[https://politics.theonion.com/oh-jesus-now-what-says-exhausted-trump-turning-on-n-1839478742 ‘Oh 'Oh Jesus, Now What?’ What?' Says Exhausted Trump Turning On News To See What Bullshit Thing President Did Today]]"



** "[[https://politics.theonion.com/again-again-again-exclaims-clapping-grinning-trum-1839420249 ‘Again, Again, Again!’ Exclaims Clapping, Grinning Trump After Sixth Time Watching Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi Death Video]]"
** "[[https://politics.theonion.com/trump-cancels-white-house-subscription-to-highlights-1839272069 Trump Cancels White House Subscription To ‘Highlights’ Over Anti-Goofus Bias]]"

to:

** "[[https://politics.theonion.com/again-again-again-exclaims-clapping-grinning-trum-1839420249 ‘Again, 'Again, Again, Again!’ Again!' Exclaims Clapping, Grinning Trump After Sixth Time Watching Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi Death Video]]"
** "[[https://politics.theonion.com/trump-cancels-white-house-subscription-to-highlights-1839272069 Trump Cancels White House Subscription To ‘Highlights’ 'Highlights' Over Anti-Goofus Bias]]"



-->'''[[{{Satan}} Tanas]]''': A LIVING TESTAMENT TO GOD'S FALABILITY!

to:

-->'''[[{{Satan}} Tanas]]''': Tanas]]:''' A LIVING TESTAMENT TO GOD'S FALABILITY!



* [[https://www.theonion.com/californians-explain-why-they-left-for-texas-1848683458 Californians Explain Why They Left For Texas]] include Pesticide and Children’s Toy Factory Owner Corey Melcher who moved to dodge regulations and engineer Douglas Fairbanks, who claimed to move states and change his name every three months for unknown reasons.

to:

* [[https://www.theonion.com/californians-explain-why-they-left-for-texas-1848683458 Californians Explain Why They Left For Texas]] include Pesticide and Children’s Children's Toy Factory Owner Corey Melcher who moved to dodge regulations and engineer Douglas Fairbanks, who claimed to move states and change his name every three months for unknown reasons.
Is there an issue? Send a MessageReason:
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* [[https://www.theonion.com/celebrities-explain-how-they-are-helping-ukraine-1848695261 Celebrities Explain How They Are Helping Ukraine]] ranges from the apathetic (Creator/Bruce Willis attempts to find Ukraine on a globe daily) to the ridiculously helpful (Creator/JaredLeto has a personal stockpile of nuclear warheads which he offers to Zelensky).

to:

* [[https://www.theonion.com/celebrities-explain-how-they-are-helping-ukraine-1848695261 Celebrities Explain How They Are Helping Ukraine]] ranges from the apathetic (Creator/Bruce Willis (Creator/BruceWillis attempts to find Ukraine on a globe daily) to the ridiculously helpful (Creator/JaredLeto has a personal stockpile of nuclear warheads which he offers to Zelensky).

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