History Funny / TheGoldenGirls

22nd Sep '17 9:45:13 AM Malady
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-->'''Dorothy:''' How odd... I can either buy the library or the phone booth in the center of town. I think I'll buy the library.
-->'''Rose:''' If I were you, I'd buy the phone booth.
-->'''Dorothy:''' Why?
-->'''Rose:''' People ''use'' the phone booth!

to:

-->'''Dorothy:''' How odd... I can either buy the library or the phone booth in the center of town. I think I'll buy the library.
-->'''Rose:'''
library.\\
'''Rose:'''
If I were you, I'd buy the phone booth.
-->'''Dorothy:''' Why?
-->'''Rose:'''
booth.\\
'''Dorothy:''' Why?\\
'''Rose:'''
People ''use'' the phone booth!



-->'''Blanche:''' SEX, Dorothy! I tried quittin' sex.
-->'''Dorothy:''' Obviously, you fell off the wagon.
-->'''Sophia:''' And onto a naval base.

to:

-->'''Blanche:''' SEX, Dorothy! I tried quittin' sex.
-->'''Dorothy:'''
sex.\\
'''Dorothy:'''
Obviously, you fell off the wagon.
-->'''Sophia:'''
wagon.\\
'''Sophia:'''
And onto a naval base.



-->'''Dorothy:''' Do I look at Ma or do I look at the camera [when I say my line]?
-->'''Sy:''' Look at the camera. And here's a tip: look at it like you're making love to it.
-->''[Cue "smoldering look" from Dorothy - another example of how BeaArthur could induce belly laughs using just her face]''
-->'''Sophia:''' ''[to Sy]'' It might help if you give her a reference she's more familiar with.

to:

-->'''Dorothy:''' Do I look at Ma or do I look at the camera [when I say my line]?
-->'''Sy:'''
line]?\\
'''Sy:'''
Look at the camera. And here's a tip: look at it like you're making love to it.
-->''[Cue
it.\\
''[Cue
"smoldering look" from Dorothy - another example of how BeaArthur Creator/BeaArthur could induce belly laughs using just her face]''
-->'''Sophia:'''
face]''\\
'''Sophia:'''
''[to Sy]'' It might help if you give her a reference she's more familiar with.



-->'''Sophia:''' ''[tasting the pizza]'' Mmmm... that's a mighty... that's a mighty LOUSY PIZZA! ''[spits it out into a napkin]''
-->'''Dorothy:''' Ma, you never tasted it before?
-->'''Sophia:''' No, and I never will again!
-->'''Sy:''' What the HELL are you doing?!
-->'''Sophia:''' Sorry, Sy! You can't pay me to endorse that slime on a shingle!
-->'''Dorothy:''' Ma, this is a national commercial! There's a lot of money at stake here!
-->'''Sophia:''' Sorry, Dorothy. There are two things a Sicilian won't do: lie about pizza, and file a tax return.

to:

-->'''Sophia:''' ''[tasting the pizza]'' Mmmm... that's a mighty... that's a mighty LOUSY PIZZA! ''[spits it out into a napkin]''
-->'''Dorothy:'''
napkin]'' \\
'''Dorothy:'''
Ma, you never tasted it before?
-->'''Sophia:'''
before?\\
'''Sophia:'''
No, and I never will again!
-->'''Sy:'''
again!\\
'''Sy:'''
What the HELL are you doing?!
-->'''Sophia:'''
doing?!\\
'''Sophia:'''
Sorry, Sy! You can't pay me to endorse that slime on a shingle!
-->'''Dorothy:'''
shingle!\\
'''Dorothy:'''
Ma, this is a national commercial! There's a lot of money at stake here!
-->'''Sophia:'''
here!\\
'''Sophia:'''
Sorry, Dorothy. There are two things a Sicilian won't do: lie about pizza, and file a tax return.



-->'''Dorothy''': Am I going to die?
-->'''Harry''': I'm afraid so.
-->'''Dorothy''': ''[clearly disturbed]'' You really think so?
-->'''Harry''': ...Sooner or later I guarantee it! Unless the Japanese come up with something!

to:

-->'''Dorothy''': Am I going to die?
-->'''Harry''':
die?\\
'''Harry''':
I'm afraid so.
-->'''Dorothy''':
so.\\
'''Dorothy''':
''[clearly disturbed]'' You really think so?
-->'''Harry''': ...
so?\\
'''Harry''': ...
Sooner or later I guarantee it! Unless the Japanese come up with something!
5th Sep '17 11:07:09 PM RainbowPhoenix
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Added DiffLines:

** When Sophia goes to the hospital, one of the other patients is none other than [[spoiler:Rose's biological father]]. The other three react accordingly
--->'''Blanche:''' He's alive?!\\
'''Dorothy:''' He's in Miami?!\\
'''Sophia:''' He's an earthling?!
21st Aug '17 7:20:26 AM Jackie-Chaos-Bunny
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to:

* In one episode, Sophia bursts into the kitchen with a large knife, scaring the bejeezus out of the others, much to her amusement, which leads to this:
-->'''Dorothy:''' Ma, that is NOT funny!\\
'''Sophia:''' Are you kidding, it's a riot! I pulled it once on Old Man Peterson, after we saw "Psycho" at the home. They had said he would never walk again. ''He walked!''
2nd Aug '17 9:47:36 AM Gravidef
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* Also, when Uncle Angelo visits, having been led to believe Dorothy and Stan were still married by Sophia who feared he'd disapprove of their divorce. After just finishing his confession that he actually was not a priest:
-->'''Angelo:''' Can you ever forgive me?
-->'''Dorothy:''' Oh of course, Uncle Angelo. Actually, we've all been deceitful too; Stanley and I are divorced. I hope you're not disappointed.
-->'''Angelo:''' No, I'm thrilled! I never liked him, he's a ''yutz''.

to:

* ** Also, when Uncle Angelo visits, having been led to believe Dorothy and Stan were still married by Sophia who feared he'd disapprove of their divorce. After just finishing his confession that he actually was not a priest:
-->'''Angelo:''' --->'''Angelo:''' Can you ever forgive me?
-->'''Dorothy:''' --->'''Dorothy:''' Oh of course, Uncle Angelo. Actually, we've all been deceitful too; Stanley and I are divorced. I hope you're not disappointed.
-->'''Angelo:''' --->'''Angelo:''' No, I'm thrilled! I never liked him, he's a ''yutz''. ''yutz''.
** In the same episode, Rose and Blanche have to rush home from rehearsal when a hurricane moves toward Miami...problem is, they're still in their nun costumes. For the rest of the evening, they're forced to pretend to be "Sister Rose and Sister Blanche." Highlights include:
*** Blanche saying they're going door to door to collect "...lingerie...for needy sexy people" (she had to make do with what she was holding, which of course was a pair of her panties).
*** Upon hearing that the hurricane may strand them for days, Blanche screams "Oh, JESUS!" She then catches herself and adds "...please protect us and watch over us, in this our hour of need."
*** The normally slow-witted Stan gets in a good barb when Blanche, trying to [[VerbalBackspace cover up the fact that she was once married]], claims instead she was ''Mary'' in a Christmas pageant. Rose remarks that Blanche is an excellent actress, and Stan quips, "She'd have to be to convince anyone that she's a virgin."
*** Blanche had a date planned with a gentleman that evening, and when he calls, she starts talking dirty about [[NunTooHoly how she's wearing a nun costume]]. When Uncle Angelo enters without her knowing it, she's forced to devise another lie: "...he's a leper. And I'm the only one who's willing to touch him."
*** In short, putting the epitome of ReallyGetsAround in a nun outfit is apparently inherently funny.



** Though the scene that follows it is scary, Dorothy and Rose's conversation regarding Sophia beginning to cough severely is priceless:
--->'''Rose''': Dorothy, should I get Sophia a glass of water?
--->'''Dorothy''': [[SarcasmMode No, Rose, you should stand there and watch her hack herself to death.]]
--->''(Beat)''
--->'''Rose''': [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Do you really think that's]]---
--->'''Dorothy''': GET THE DAMN WATER!



* Dorothy won't let Blanche out of a bathroom stall (ItMakesSenseInContext), while the two of them offer insight to a young woman. Dorothy ends up pounding the stall door in frustration, leading to the following:

to:

* In "The Mangiacavallo Curse Makes A Lousy Wedding Present," Dorothy won't let Blanche out of a bathroom stall (ItMakesSenseInContext), while the two of them offer insight to a young woman. Dorothy ends up pounding the stall door in frustration, leading to the following:




to:

** There's also the revelation of one of Rose's biggest turn-ons...weddings. How bad is it? When the girls head for the reception, her first question is "Did anyone else notice the buns on that priest?"



** The hilarious ways in which Blanche and Dorothy died.

to:

** The hilarious ways in which Blanche and Dorothy died. Blanche went at 92 when she made a move on her cute young tennis instructor in the bathtub; [[OutWithABang she was very happy in the moment]], and her last words were "Thank you, baby, glub glub glub." And Dorothy...fell into a gorilla enclosure at the zoo.
*** Even better is when Sophia reveals that she entered the footage of Dorothy falling into the enclosure to ''America's Funniest Home Videos.'' And she won!
7th Jul '17 12:46:23 PM GarrulousTiger
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Added DiffLines:

-->'''Dorothy:''' Chew it carefully, Ma. Like they taught you at SHADY PINES.
1st Jul '17 5:05:46 PM GarrulousTiger
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* Despite the serious nature of the main storyline in [[VerySpecialEpisode "High Anxiety"], the episode features a number of laugh-out-loud hilarious moments, notably the scene in which Rose introduces the girls to St. Olaf's version of Monopoly, "Gugenspritzer."

to:

* Despite the serious nature of the main storyline in [[VerySpecialEpisode "High Anxiety"], Anxiety"]], the episode features a number of laugh-out-loud hilarious moments, notably the scene in which Rose introduces the girls to St. Olaf's version of Monopoly, "Gugenspritzer."




to:

** And Sophia and Dorothy filming a commercial for a local pizzeria. First off, there's another trademark Sophia zinger...
-->'''Dorothy:''' Do I look at Ma or do I look at the camera [when I say my line]?
-->'''Sy:''' Look at the camera. And here's a tip: look at it like you're making love to it.
-->''[Cue "smoldering look" from Dorothy - another example of how BeaArthur could induce belly laughs using just her face]''
-->'''Sophia:''' ''[to Sy]'' It might help if you give her a reference she's more familiar with.
** Then there's Dorothy's hilariously lousy acting. Then, there's Dorothy's trying to rewrite the script to fix a grammatical error, and as a result being demoted from the role of Sophia's daughter to the role of waitress (and slamming the pizza down on the table when she serves it). But the real kicker is...
-->'''Sophia:''' ''[tasting the pizza]'' Mmmm... that's a mighty... that's a mighty LOUSY PIZZA! ''[spits it out into a napkin]''
-->'''Dorothy:''' Ma, you never tasted it before?
-->'''Sophia:''' No, and I never will again!
-->'''Sy:''' What the HELL are you doing?!
-->'''Sophia:''' Sorry, Sy! You can't pay me to endorse that slime on a shingle!
-->'''Dorothy:''' Ma, this is a national commercial! There's a lot of money at stake here!
-->'''Sophia:''' Sorry, Dorothy. There are two things a Sicilian won't do: lie about pizza, and file a tax return.
1st Jul '17 4:52:18 PM GarrulousTiger
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to:

* Despite the serious nature of the main storyline in [[VerySpecialEpisode "High Anxiety"], the episode features a number of laugh-out-loud hilarious moments, notably the scene in which Rose introduces the girls to St. Olaf's version of Monopoly, "Gugenspritzer."
-->'''Dorothy:''' How odd... I can either buy the library or the phone booth in the center of town. I think I'll buy the library.
-->'''Rose:''' If I were you, I'd buy the phone booth.
-->'''Dorothy:''' Why?
-->'''Rose:''' People ''use'' the phone booth!
** Or the time Blanche recalls the time she tried giving up something crucial to her very identity after her husband died...
-->'''Blanche:''' SEX, Dorothy! I tried quittin' sex.
-->'''Dorothy:''' Obviously, you fell off the wagon.
-->'''Sophia:''' And onto a naval base.



-->'''Dorothy''': ''[talking to Kevin, the basketball player]'' Oh, a student works hard and gets good grades - does that make him a geek?\\

to:

-->'''Dorothy''': ''[talking to Kevin, the basketball player]'' athlete]'' Oh, a student works hard and gets good grades - does that make him a geek?\\
17th Jun '17 3:38:21 PM GarrulousTiger
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'''Rose''': I'm sorry. It's just that I was so excited - I think I might have stumbled on something that could change the face of plumbing as we know it!

to:

'''Rose''': I'm sorry. It's just that I was so excited - I think I might have stumbled on something that could change the face of plumbing as we know it!it!\\
17th Jun '17 3:37:31 PM GarrulousTiger
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-->'''Rose:''' What do you mean?
-->'''Dorothy:''' He had a big floppy pancreas, Rose.

to:

-->'''Rose:''' '''Rose:''' What do you mean?
-->'''Dorothy:'''
mean?\\
'''Dorothy:'''
He had a big floppy pancreas, Rose.



** Dorothy's flashback is one of her worst birthdays ever. Rose decided to take her to "[[SuckECheeses Mr. Ha-Ha's Hot Dog Hacienda.]]" Dorothy is obviously miserable, which isn't helped by her having to lead a Birthday Parade. After she has to make a wish and blow out her candle, Mr. Ha-Ha says, "I hope everybody gets what they wished for." Dorothy gets a gleam in her eye, picks up her hot fudge cake in throwing position and says, "Do you really, Mr. Ha-ha?" Mr. Ha-Ha warns her that A) his musician's brother is a lawyer, and B) that's not a very mature thing to do. Dorothy agrees, and puts her cake down. However, a little boy named Bobby walks up behind Ha-Ha, gets his attention, and when Ha-Ha turns around, '''he''' [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAzkm46mNnQ pies him in the face.]] Then, with a big toothy grin he says, "Happy Birthday, Dorothy." It's hilarious, a little heartwarming, and even the normally deadpan Dorothy lets out a big belly laugh.

to:

** Dorothy's flashback is one of her worst birthdays ever. Rose decided to take her to "[[SuckECheeses Mr. Ha-Ha's Hot Dog Hacienda.]]" Dorothy is obviously miserable, which isn't helped by her having to lead a Birthday Parade. After she has to make a wish and blow out her candle, Mr. Ha-Ha says, "I hope everybody gets what they wished for." Dorothy gets a gleam in her eye, picks up her hot fudge cake in throwing position and says, "Do you really, Mr. Ha-ha?" Mr. Ha-Ha warns her that A) his musician's brother is a lawyer, and B) that's not a very mature thing to do. Dorothy agrees, and puts her cake down. However, a little boy named Bobby walks up behind Ha-Ha, gets his attention, and when Ha-Ha turns around, '''he''' [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAzkm46mNnQ pies hits him in the face.face with the hot fudge cake.]] Then, with a big toothy grin he says, "Happy Birthday, Dorothy." It's hilarious, a little heartwarming, and even the normally deadpan Dorothy lets out a big belly laugh.



'''Dorothy''': ''[to Sophia, who is opening her mouth to speak]'' One word out of you and I cut off your supply of Metamucil.

to:

'''Dorothy''': ''[to Sophia, who is gleefully opening her mouth to speak]'' One word out of you and I cut off your supply of Metamucil.
17th Jun '17 3:35:28 PM GarrulousTiger
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-->'''Rose:''' A lateral fusion pipe.\\
-->'''Dorothy:''' Uh-huh. And do you know what's on the other side of that lateral fusion pipe?\\
-->'''Rose:''' No...\\
-->'''Dorothy:''' MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!\\
-->'''Rose''': I'm sorry. It's just that I was so excited - I think I might have stumbled on something that could change the face of plumbing as we know it!
-->'''Dorothy:''' Great, Rose. Call the Ty-D-Bol man. He'll jump in his boat and spread the news.

to:

-->'''Rose:''' '''Rose:''' A lateral fusion pipe.\\
-->'''Dorothy:''' '''Dorothy:''' Uh-huh. And do you know what's on the other side of that lateral fusion pipe?\\
-->'''Rose:''' '''Rose:''' No...\\
-->'''Dorothy:''' '''Dorothy:''' MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!\\
-->'''Rose''': '''Rose''': I'm sorry. It's just that I was so excited - I think I might have stumbled on something that could change the face of plumbing as we know it!
-->'''Dorothy:''' '''Dorothy:''' Great, Rose. Call the Ty-D-Bol man. He'll jump in his boat and spread the news.



** And later on...
-->'''Dorothy''': ''[talking to Kevin, the basketball player]'' Oh, a student works hard and gets good grades - does that make him a geek?\\
'''Kevin''': No, that makes him a ''dork''. A geek is more like, you know, someone with no friends, stays home every Saturday night, nose always buried in a book.\\
'''Dorothy''': ''[to Sophia, who is opening her mouth to speak]'' One word out of you and I cut off your supply of Metamucil.



* Rose is trying to give Sophia a pep-talk about why she should support Dorothy and Stan's re-marriage, which goes about as well as you'd expect. (Rose tells her this: "If you hold the bird gently, it'll stay; but if you squeeze the bird... his eyes'll bug out.") Blanche decides to intervene:

to:

* Rose is trying to give Sophia a pep-talk about why she should support Dorothy and Stan's re-marriage, which goes about as well as you'd expect. (Rose tells her this: "If you hold the bird gently, it'll stay; but if you squeeze the bird... his eyes'll bug out. And then Mr. Pet Store Owner gets upset and won't let you touch the birds anymore...") Blanche decides to intervene:
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http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/article_history.php?article=Funny.TheGoldenGirls