History Funny / TheAmericanPresident

* Sydney's phone call with Shepherd, which goes downhill when Sydney thinks she's talking to a colleague who does a Shepherd impression:

-->'''President Andrew Shepherd:''' I want a plain, ordinary, non-bullet-proof vehicle!
-->and
-->'''A.J.:''' And how do you plan to [get Sydney back], sir?
-->'''President Andrew Shepherd:''' Well, I haven't worked that out yet. But I suspect groveling will be involved.

-->'''Sydney Ellen Wade:''' If he honestly thinks that the environmental community is going to whistle a happy tune, while rallying support around this pitifully lame mockery of environmental leadership, just because he's a nice guy and he's done better than his predecessors, then your boss is the Chief Executive of Fantasyland!
-->'''President Andrew Shepherd:''' Well, let's take him out back and beat the shit out of him!

-->'''Lewis Rothschild:''' Who're we calling, sir?
-->'''President Andrew Shepherd:''' I'm calling the Organization of the United Brotherhood of It's None of Your Damn Business, Lewis. I'll be with you in a second.
** ...And when he finally manages to make the call to the florist, he has more problems: one, the florist apparently doesn't know what the state flower of Virginia is, forcing him to go through his aides to learn it (the dogwood), then finds that they don't have the dogwood, and tries asking for roses. Then the sales person hangs up when he says that he is the President of the United States. He finally does get her flowers -- from the White House Rose Garden.

-->'''President Andrew Shepherd:''' Yep, she remembered.

-->'''President Shepherd:''' Lewis, however much coffee you drink in the morning, I want you to reduce it by half.
-->'''Lewis:''' I don't drink coffee, sir.
-->'''President Shepherd:''' Then hit yourself over the head with a baseball bat, would you please?

-->'''Robin [=McCall=]:''' How do you want me to handle the Sydney issue?
-->'''President Andrew Shepherd: ''' "The Sydney issue"?
-->'''Lewis Rothschild:''' We should have a consensus on how the White House is going to handle it.
-->'''President Andrew Shepherd:''' Well I sure hope the Sydney issue refers in some way to a problem we're having with Australia, because if it's anything else-

-->'''President Andrew Shepherd''': I'm sorry, we'll do this better next time.
-->'''Sydney Ellen Wade''': I'm no expert, but I thought we did it pretty good this time.

-->''[Sydney emerges from the bathroom wearing nothing but [[SexyShirtSwitch one of his shirts]]]''
-->'''President Andrew Shepherd:''' ...Perhaps I didn't properly explain the fundamentals of the slowdown plan.
-->'''Sydney Ellen Wade:''' ''[feeling the bed]'' No, you explained it great.
-->'''President Andrew Shepherd''': Are you nervous?
-->'''Sydney Ellen Wade''': No.
-->'''President Andrew Shepherd''': Good. My nervousness exists on... several levels. Number one, and this is in no particular order, I haven't done this in a pretty long time. Number two, uh, any expectations that you might have, given the fact that I'm... you know...
-->'''Sydney Ellen Wade''': ''[approaching seductively]'' The most powerful man in the world?
-->'''President Andrew Shepherd''': Exactly, thank you. I think it's important you remember that's a political distinction that comes with the office. I mean, if, uh, Eisenhower were here instead of me, [[{{Metaphorgotten}} he'd be dead by now]]... and number three...

-->'''Shepherd''': She didn't say anything about me?
-->'''A.J.''': No, but I could always pass her a note before study hall.

-->'''Lucy Shepherd:''' My Dad told me to tell you that he's on the phone with his dentist, and that I should behave myself and entertain you until he gets back.
-->'''Sydney Ellen Wade:''' Hmm. Your father's on the phone with his dentist?
-->'''Lucy Shepherd:''' No, he told me to ''tell'' you he's on the phone with his dentist. He wants you to think he's a regular guy.
-->'''Sydney Ellen Wade:''' Oh. Well, who's he on the phone with?
-->'''Lucy Shepherd:''' The Prime Minister of Israel.
-->'''Sydney Ellen Wade:''' Oh. They're probably not discussing his teeth.
-->'''Lucy Shepherd:''' I hope not.

-->'''President Andrew Shepherd:''' OK! Let Meatloaf Night begin! Hi.
-->'''Sydney Ellen Wade:''' Hi. How's everything with your teeth?
-->'''President Andrew Shepherd:''' My teeth?
-->'''Sydney Ellen Wade:''' The dentist.
-->'''President Andrew Shepherd:''' Oh! Right, right right, yeah I got a, cavity in my upper bicuspid region.
-->'''Sydney Ellen Wade:''' You have a short-range weapons system outside Tel Aviv.
-->'''President Andrew Shepherd:''' ''[grabs Lucy playfully]'' I think somebody told on me!

-->'''Sydney Ellen Wade:''' Hello?
-->'''President Andrew Shepherd:''' Yeah, hi, is this Sydney?
-->'''Sydney Ellen Wade:''' Leo?
-->'''President Andrew Shepherd:''' No, this is Andrew Shepherd.
-->'''Sydney Ellen Wade:''' Oh! It's Andrew Shepherd! Yeah, you're hilarious, Richard, you're just a regular riot!
-->'''President Andrew Shepherd:''' No, this isn't Richard, this is Andrew Shepherd.
-->'''Sydney Ellen Wade:''' Oh! Well, I'm so glad you called, because I forgot to tell you today what a nice ass you have. I'm also impressed that you were able to get my phone number given the fact that I don't have a phone. Good night, Richard.
-->'''President Andrew Shepherd:''' Uh, this isn't Richard- ''[Sydney hangs up]'' This used to be easier.

-->'''President Andrew Shepherd:''' What did you mean when you said that you didn't have a phone?
-->'''Sydney Ellen Wade:''' Oh, I just moved to Washington over the weekend, and my apartment isn't ready yet, this is my sister's apartment... come to think of it, how did you get this number?
-->'''President Andrew Shepherd:''' How did I get the number, that's a good question. Um... I don't know, probably the FBI.
-->'''Sydney Ellen Wade:''' Oh the FBI. Sure! Cause... If you wanna find someone and you're the President, that's who you'd call!
-->'''President Andrew Shepherd:''' You know who else is good at that.
-->'''Sydney Ellen Wade:''' Uh... CIA?
-->'''President Andrew Shepherd:''' Well yeah, but I was thinking of the Internal Revenue Service; they have these computer files that, uh... Well, I should stop stalling.

-->'''Lewis:''' [[CaptainObvious We lost Jarrett.]]
-->'''Leon:''' I hope so. 'Cause, you know, if that was an "undecided" then we need to work on our people skills.

* The state dinner discussion of Julius Caesar, leading to Shepherd slapping the table and declaring, ''"More beheadings at the White House!"''

* Lewis is talking on the phone with a Senator who was initially going to support the energy bill and then changed his mind. He goes into a tirade that ends with him yelling, "Just vote your conscience, you chicken-shit lame-ass!" and hanging up.
-->'''Lewis:''' We lost Jarrett.