History Funny / OneThousandWaysToDie

--> '''Patient:''' "Well, this certainly looks like a fun place to work!"

* '''Rubbed Out''': Jeremy is a germaphobe who practically has a panic attack when a black homeless man digs some leftover coffee from out of his trash and then sneezes all over him. Needless to say, he runs back to his house (while hilariously yelling "Aaaaah! Aaaaah!") and bathes himself in a ''bathtub full of rubbing alcohol'' -- which, given its contents, makes him severely intoxicated- so much so, ''especially'' since he clearly doesn't appear to drink- that he dies of alcohol poisoning.

--> '''Narrator:''' The new job seemed to be working for Harold. He was really on a roll.\\

---> '''Jake''': Listen, you're my little brother! Put your mouth up my ass, and get that COKE OUT!

--> ''Narrator:'' Wally was tired of going plastic. Too bad his head wasn't made out of elastic. Guess what, Wally? [[HaveANiceDeath You're dead, ya spastic]]!

-->'''Patient''': "Well, this certainly looks like a fun place to work!"

-->'''Saguaro voice:''' [[LargeHam YOU HAVE DONE WRONG! YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR SINS! YOU HAVE DISTURBED THE CACTUS UNIVERSE! YOU WILL DIE! DIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!]]

-->"Oh, my God! [[CaptainObvious My fart killed you!]]"

-->'''Abdul''': [[OhCrap DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME!]]\\
'''Habib''': [[BigNo NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!]]\\

--> '''Narrator''': Let's recap what we learned from Randy's gruesome death: This is your brain, this is your brain on drugs, and this is a bear, ripping out your throat after you tried to have sex with it while you were high on drugs. The lesson? When nature calls, ''just say no.''

* '''Down with the Clown''': A birthday party clown named Funny Eddie is out to destroy a hip-hop {{Horrorcore}} duo called [[Music/InsaneClownPosse Infernal Clown Posse]] because he thinks they're ruining the reputation of clowns everywhere and has been sending the duo hate-mail, making the duo refer to him in passing as "the hater". Funny Eddie crashes one of their concerts and tries to get onstage, but gets hit in the head with a soda bottle. When he comes to, he decides to pull the plug on the concert and upstage the group. Turns out it's not such a good idea, as being drenched in soda made the clown ''very'' conducive to the electricity in the wires and he got fried. Infernal Clown Posse's response:
-->'''Shaggy 2 Dope:''' It's the hater!
-->'''Violent J:''' He's... ''dead.''
--> ({{Beat}})
-->'''Shaggy and J:''' [[TheShowMustGoOn IN! YO! FACE!]]

* '''Bowled Over''': Ordinarily a hipster's death is sad and scary to witness...but the female friend screaming that her friends had killed one of their own in a shriek like tone is amusing
-->'''Girl:''' YOU KILLED HIIIIIMMM!!!!

-->'''Sparky''': Here's what [my brain would] look like. [[DogsAreDumb I love eating, sleeping, sniffing crotches, and digging holes]]. I used to love to lick my testicles; whoever invented [[AnimalsFearNeutering neutering]] should have theirs cut off.
-->'''Sparky''': [[ExplosiveStupidity What kind of stick was that?]]
-->'''Sparky''': [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Here you go. I fetched your arm.]]

--> '''Cop''': Cancel the bomb squad, [[CrossesTheLineTwice send the meat wagon.]]
--> '''Narrator''': Roger that.

* '''Rubbed Out''': Jeremy is a germaphobe who practically has a panic attack when a black homeless man digs some leftover coffee from out of his trash and then sneezes all over him. Needless to say, he runs back to his house (while hilariously yelling "Aaaaah! Aaaaah!") and bathes himself in a ''bathtub full of rubbing alcohol''-- which, given its contents, makes him severely intoxicated- so much so, ''especially'' since he clearly doesn't appear to drink- that he dies of alcohol poisoning.

-->"Wally was tired of going plastic. Too bad his head wasn't made out of elastic. Guess what, Wally? [[HaveANiceDeath You're dead, ya spastic]]!"

-->'''Janitor''': [[UnusuallyUninterestingSight Can I go on my break, dude?]]

-->'''Husband''': There ''is'' a God!

-->'''Mr. Franklin''': You shouldn't have grabbed the pickle if it was lit up! Any fool knows that! [[SarcasmMode "Oh, look! That pickle's lit up!" Well, don't GRAB it then!]]

-->'''"Gary Can't"''': [[BondOneLiner That's a wrap.]]
--> ''(Everyone walks away from Dolph's corpse)''
* '''Keester Sunday''': Just....the whole damn segment. Jake and Josh are two drug traffickers who get pulled over by a cop who plans to do a full cavity search on them after sweeping their car. While they're waiting for him to come back, Josh pulls a balloon full of cocaine from Jake's anus using his mouth, they pop it, and then stupidly dispose of the evidence by snorting it all, obviously resulting in an overdose. When the cop goes back to his paddy wagon and sees the brothers dead, he says the only thing a person CAN say in that situation:
-->'''Cop''': What the HELL?!

-->'''Jake''': Listen, you're my little brother! Put your mouth up my ass, and get that COKE OUT!

* '''Rocked Out''':
** A rock climbing instructor named Evan is too busy flirting with another instructor to pay attention to the climber, Terry. When Terry falls, the rope wraps around Evan's neck, forcing him to make a difficult choice:
--> '''Narrator:''' Evan had a choice: strangle to death or ''(Evan whips out a hunting knife and starts cutting at the rope)'' screw Terry.
--> '''Terry:''' Don't cut the rope!
--> '''Narrator:''' He cut the rope.

* '''Sumowed''':
** For once, one of the narrator's dumb puns is actually kinda funny. As the incompetent team building exercise instructor rolls down in a cliff in a sumo suit, he gives this:
--> '''Narrator:''' The new job seemed to be working for Harold. He was really on a roll.

--> '''Darnell:''' You never tell me the truth! You always lying!
--> '''Anita:''' What are you talking about?!
--> '''Darnell:''' ''(repeatedly)'' You smoke it, didn't you!? You smoked it!
--> '''Anita:''' ''(repeatedly)'' YOU smoked it!
--> '''Darnell:''' ''(whining)'' I hear it calling meeee!

* '''Greased is the Word''': An idiot who's already done time for a failed stick-up tries to rob a jewelry store. However, with his pantyhose mask blocking his vision, the moron can't see where he's going and he draws a gun... ''[[TooDumbToLive in a gun shop]]''. You can guess [[MoreDakka how well]] [[MultipleGunshotDeath that turns out]].[[note]]For bonus points, this has occurred to at least one would-be robber in real life with only one major difference: ''it wasn't an accident.'' [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer That's right,]] someone actually attempted to '''''[[TooDumbToLive stick up a gun store]].''''' It's telling that ''1000 Ways to Die'' had to edit a story to make it ''more'' believable for once.[[/note]]

* '''Down with the Clown''': A birthday party clown named Funny Eddie is out to destroy a hip-hop {{Horrorcore}} duo called [[Music/InsaneClownPosse Infernal Clown Posse]] because he thinks they're ruining the reputation of clowns everywhere. Funny Eddie crashes one of their concerts and tries to get onstage, but gets hit in the head with a soda bottle. When he comes to, he decides to pull the plug on the concert and upstage the group. Turns out it's not such a good idea, as being drenched in soda made the clown ''very'' conducive to the electricity in the wires and he got fried. Infernal Clown Posse's response: "IN! YOUR! FACE!" [[TheShowMustGoOn and going right back to performing.]]