Reviews: The Christmas Tree

You always win when you are good.

Yep, I don't know about you, but I like to think of that semi-infamous final line of this trainwreck of a Christmas special as a self-aware realization of its own shittiness. When you're a good, heartfelt, meaningful Christmas special, i.e. A Charlie Brown Christmas, you win. When you're a crappy, pandering, sloppy special like The Christmas Tree... YOU LOSE! YOU GET NOTHING! GOOD DAY, SIR!

...Hmm, perhaps reading into things a bit too much there, huh? Yes indeeed, this special is as bad as you've heard and more. Not only does it take out every trite Christmas cliche in Santa's wrinkly, hairy old sack, but it also cribs (Haha, Christmas joke geddit?!? "Away in a manger, no crib for his bed" and all that shit?!?!?!? Ah, go write something better yourself you ass.) stuff from fairy tales like greedy orphanage owners, magical trees and all that stuff.

It's like Ed "One-Take" Wood was one day given leave to rise from the grave for an hour and forty-seven minutes (because you know it can't have taken longer than that to make this piece of reindeer stool) and decided to use his allotted time to create what was, in his warped mind, the best Christmas special ever. Unfortunately, whatever natural decay must have surely taken its toll in his physical form in the meantime must have killed the part of his brain that tended to imbue his film with affable, unintentional hilarity. And that's just fucking sad.

Sure, it is unintentionally hilarious... if you only watch the parts expertly chosen by internet critics and snarks of varying repute. The rest of it is just plain bad. It's almost an hour-long special, by Jove, and about 7 minutes and 32 seconds of those are actually funny. It's not as if it gives of that vibe of executive-ordered, soulless Christmas time-filler, but that doesn't make it any better. How anyone involved in the production of this film could view it as being in any way a good production truly boggles the ol' brain convolutions. It's just so cheap, hackneyed, and inept.

Jesus wept. If he'd have been around to see this he'd have GTFO'd and leave humanity to suffocate in its own misery. And that final line... I've known good people who've been taking up the ass all their life (not talking about the Mrs. for once here). Fucking bullshit. Children deserve better. Hell, everyone does!