Reviews: After Last Season
Can you even call this a movie?!
It's really hard to even think of anything to say about this movie. I've already watched this thing twice, I've wasted three hours of my life trying to understand it, and I'm still coming up with nothing. Just trying to write something coherent about this "movie" turned out to be a nearly impossible task, because for the life of me, I could simply not fathom what I had witnessed. All I got from the experience was the undeniable knowledge that I had just witnessed the worst goddamn movie I've ever seen in my life. If I still had to describe this film somehow, the best analogy I've been able to come up with is this: After Last Season is to Monster A Go Go what The Room is to Manos The Hands Of Fate. The latter movies are both entertaining in their ineptitude, the kind where things actually happen, and there are easy things for the viewer to point at and laugh at. In the case of the former, however, there's just nothing to work with. All you're doing is just watching people talk about nothing of interest, interspersed with the most shockingly awful 3D graphics I've seen since Bubsy 3D. I don't mean to brag, but even the pathetically simplistic maps I made for Unreal Tournament 2004 when I was a teen were more professional-looking than this garbage. You can claim Stylistic Suck all you like, but when you use Stylistic Suck, you need to use it to make a point. Here, the crude 3D is absolutely pointless, and the fact that the 3D sequences swallow up what feels like a silent eternity is absolutely inexcusable. And better yet, there really is literally no point to the 3D at all, because the 3D bits turn out to be part of an elaborate dream sequence that doesn't actually have any impact on the story at all! There is no symbollism, no foreshadowing, just a complete waste of time! After Last Season has made me madder at a movie than I've ever been, not because it's overrated or pretentious, but simply because it fails to entertain in any aspect. But at the same time, I want more people to hear about it, in a weird Bile Fascination sort of way. Film professors tend to have a saying that you can learn much more from a bad movie than a good one, and in this case, After Last Season is the perfect guide on how to screw up every possible aspect of filmmaking and waste the viewer's time. Thanks, Index Square!
Why this screws with my head.
There has been a fair amount of debate as to whether this movie was bad on purpose or by accident because it seems to fail at everything you can possibly fail at and still get it into a theater. But it fails almost perfectly. The cardboard MRI machine is on the fence. You can see someone somewhere thinking its a passable prop. Maybe with the right camera angles you can disguise the fact of it's being cardboard. In fact, they seem to try to do this by cutting away whenever the machine has to move, and cut back when it's done. But then theres the radio clock. You probably remember this. They briefly make an unnecessary reference to a radio clock one of the characters has. Its a bit of conversation that, like much of the other dialog, could easily be cut while having zero impact on the movie, but in this case, he's going out of his way to mention this radio clock, and then we see it. Its a radio taped to a clock. Scotch taped and awkwardly at that. Even if he felt he needed to show a prop, he could have had the character reference either the radio or the clock and then shown one or the other of them with no tape. It would have been one of the movie's few props that actually was what it was supposed to be, but instead the director decided to take two potentially real props and use them to fashion a crude approximation of another prop. There are numerous instances where the movie would have been better if they had been lazier. The science magazine prop for example. Could they not have found a real magazine of some sort for the character to read or, failing that, simply left the magazine out altogether? It tells us nothing about the character that couldn't be established with a bit of dialog. Its that one little thing that keeps me from being able to completely dismiss the idea that this was all supposed to be deliberately bad. The the little bug in my head. This movie could just be the perfect Troll, its possible. Help me!!!!
This movie has made me more angry than I can ever remember being angry at a movie. I'm angry that somebody even thought to make this. I'm angry that they think it's passable enough to get a theatrical release. I'm angry that they think what they're doing is good film making. It speaks of nothing more or less than the absolute zenith of everything pretentious and conceited in this world, artsiness and incomprehensibility purely for the sake of artsiness and incomprehensibility (or, more accurately, giving the creator's ego more wanking material). I'm having a terrible time putting it to words here, that's how nonplussed it's left me.