Would you keep Reading?

I wouldn't mind some opinions on my Fantasy project I am writing, I just recently rewrote the prologue and would like other opinions if people would be hooked.

“Another round over here Bruce!” a drunk miner yells at the bartender who nods and begins pouring six mugs of what was on tap, the shift ended about an hour ago at the local mine and most of the workers always find their way to this bar, its a small hole in the wall that is dimly lit and looks as though the walls are going to fall down around them. That does not matter to them the beer is cold, the hard liquor completely on the wall behind the bar and the atmosphere is right. Every night the small pub is packed full of patrons talking loudly and laughing. Sometimes fights break out but for the most part these miners are like family to one another. Most topics that are found at this bar are the usual talk about strike and pay. Along with them common ones is a taboo discussion about Dr.Odilo.

The bartender brings the drinks to the table setting them down in front of the guys “Here ya go gents” Bruce says standing there for a second as they all pull out coins throwing them on the table in front of him.

“Hey Bruce, you know about Sebastian right?” a slender man says, face black and some spots smeared from when he wipes his sleeve across his face.

“Of course Thomas, who hasn't heard of her, Atticus makes sure he gives her praise whenever the Doctor strikes” Bruce says to him. “Rumor has it she struck again, well the Doctor ordered her to of course” Thomas states right before taking a drink from his mug, looking around the table, each of the guys quite and the atmosphere cold as though all the jeering and laughter from the rest of the bar is muffled and a very stiff silence falls over the seven guys around the table.

“Rumors are just that, Rumors” Bruce barks quickly grabbing the money off the table and walking away, as Bruce gets behind the bar his face looks as though all the blood drained and he looks as though he is going to be sick. Pouring himself a drink and chugging it, he exhales and looks around at everyone in the bar forcing a smile.

~crrrcht~ “Breaking News” a woman's voice announces over an intercom outside in the street followed by long pause, the bar getting slightly quite but people still talking amongst each other, Bruce turns to his radio and turns up the volume the look in his eyes staring at the nobs of the radio obviously frightened of what he is about to hear. The streets and all radios are connected for evening and emergency broadcasts. The woman's voice returns “Prime Minister Kingston of Newark has been relieved of his duties as head of military strategies, your Allied Nation has put out this official statement. People of the Allied Nation, it has been decided that we will be appointing someone new to head of military strategic and development, as of this point and time it is undecided who will be- ”

~crrrchttt~ interrupting the announcement static fills the bar, everyone knows what this means making everyone go silent as the static stops and the sound of a man clearing his throat “Evening all, Atticus here, not that a introduction is needed” pausing for a moment, “Your leaders with the Allied Nation are fools, they continue to believe they can mount up any kind of force against Dr.Odilo” as Atticus says the doctors full name you can feel the sense of fear across everyone in the bar, not a single person moving, all of them staring at the radio. “and continuing to feed you this bullshit as though Dr.Odilo wouldn’t inform the masses of what actually happens, what your Allied Nation Board will not tell you is that Kingsy, or whatever his name was, has been killed by our beloved little lady Sebastian. My good man Dr.Odilo has grown tired of your Allied Nation’s attempts and even more tired of sending his Sebastian to prove that no mercy will be given to fools. So tired that the next time Sebastian will not be getting her hands dirty, next time will be a slaughter that has never been seen before at the hands of Dr.Odilo’s newest creation...Fauve” ~crrrchttt~

“-we want everyone of the Allied Nation to understand that their has been no disruption to daily activities and that we are more than capable of keeping our twelve nations safe. Thank you all for your continued devotion” the broadcast woman continued as though they never knew Atticus interrupted it.

“Idiots...” Bruce mumbles as he turns off the radio, his hand shaking and he is covered completely in a cold sweat as an uproar fills the Bar, its patrons eager to voice their opinions about the situation. “They play right into his hands” Bruce says turning around watching all the miners yell at each other.

“Why can't they just tell us the truth!” Thomas yells slamming down his mug, standing up and walking out of the bar followed soon after by multiple other miners who are just too worried about the situation to be drinking and trying to enjoy themselves.

The miners who stay argue back and forth “They just want to protect us from the Doctor, what is so wrong with that?” - “How can they protect us if they cannot even protect a high ranking official in their government” - “Isn't it obvious they are only after his wealth and the reason why they keep lying is who would support it?” - each voicing their opinions one after another.

Bruce looks around the bar and just says “What is Fauve?” as the bartender asks this all of the patrons go quite looking around at each other, obviously hitting the nail on the head with this question everyone pays their tabs and leaves the bar one after another.

“The bar will be closed for the next couple of nights until the dust settles” Bruce tells the last couple of guys who all nod in agreement right before leaving, Bruce closing the door after them and locking it turning off the Open sign in the window. Bruce then goes behind his bar and grabs some boards and returns to the door sliding them into brackets on the side of the door enforcing the door even more. “Not like this will stop it if it came into town” Bruce mumbles as he pushes the boards into place right before he returns to the bar grabs a bottle of whiskey off the shelf and goes through the back door shutting off the dim light that filled the bar leaving it completely black.

Of course any suggestions/critiquing is welcome

edited 26th Mar '14 9:33:11 AM by Sirgrizz

Let's just say this passage needs quite a bit of work. Also it would probably be better placed in the constructive criticism thread or something like that. I could point out everything that I think should be changed, but I don't want to spend the rest of my afternoon dissecting your passage.

But here are some basic things.

Your passage seems to be centered on this Bruce character, yet the narrative voice seems to be third-person omniscient. You will probably get more flavor out of your passage if you center the writing from Bruce's perspective without having this "panning" view of everything that's going on.

Also, what sort of stylistic aim do you attempt to gain through writing in the present tense. You would be better off writing in the past tense.

Several of your sentences run on for quite a bit, where they could be split up. Also, I'm not 100% sure the onomatopoeia parts are necessary.

You also might want to change the organization title from "Military Strategic and Development" to "Military Strategic Development."

I could go on for more specifics, but it would take me a while to go through the passage in depth. I'll see if I can go through this later, but you're going to need quite a bit of help from someone dedicated enough to go through this.

Well thank you for the criticism, Good to know these things now before I try to push it further, I am no writer and this is my first attempt to put one of my many ideas to detail. Maybe its just not for me :) If I am going to be needing alot of help in such a small part that is the prologue, the whole story I have done so far (10 chapters and over 70000 words in) probably is alot worse.