All-Around TYPE-MOON: RP FESTIVAL!

Say there was a little cafe.

Say that cafe had a completely unpronounceable name that defied all the laws of grammar, linguistics, decency, morality, and quite possibly the Geneva Convention.

Say that cafe was manned by a handful of deformed cat-things, a blue-haired Irishman with the worst luck in the world and a certain pink-haired Irishwoman with all the luck that comes with being a minor character resurrected in a number of oddball sequels.

As it turns out, of course, that cafe exists. Its name is Ahnenerbe. Remember that now. I know you can't, but it's worth a try before you end up Googling it every post. Suckers.

Anyway. Where was I? Ah, yes. Ahem. And in Ahnenerbe, a certain Festival is about to start...

I would say more, but I'm just the voice who's here for the opening post so the GM can try to be funny. You won't be hearing me again. Which is sad, given that it's me and I'm awesome, but at any rate, what I meant to say was, I mean, you know I really deserve more screentime and what do you mean IT'S STARTI

Kimi to issho ga ichiban suki yotte motto gyutto ne-

"Nyah!"

An annoyed paw smashed down on the radio, wrecking it with much more vehemence than was actually necessary. Warbling, Super Affection bounced off the counter, hit the ground, and lay defeated in a smoking heap.

No, that was the radio. But it was close enough.

"Thank Neco-God. It was bad enough the last time they did it, nyan. Jumping up and down like that... where did they expect me to keep my dignyaty? ...You deserved that, nya."

With that conclusion, the short cat-thing stepped away from the grisly electronic remains, dusting its paws off with a dishcloth and looking very pleased with itself. Neco-Arc's golden cat hair and cat apron waved slightly as it nodded, and its obviously exaggerated chibi eyes and obviously exaggerated chibi mouth beamed in the supposed 'cat smile' - which, as it turned out, was actually just an upside-down '3'. But that was the point of chibi mascot characters.

Ahnenerbe was as quiet and as unpronouncable as ever. It was a cosy cafe, if you could look past the fact that it was run by a bunch of cats who looked like cariatures of more popular characters. The tables were filled with beings of all sorts. Some were notable. Others were simply there to add flavor.

In another corner of the cafe, slightly to the left of a gaping salaryman and slightly to the right of a certain blue-haired tuxedoed Irish waiter with the worst luck in the world, a darker chibi-cat-thing with rugged hair removed his cigarette from his mouth, blew out a puff of smoke and tossed the smouldering stub aside, promptly setting the blue-haired tuxedoed Irish waiter on fire. Oddly enough, his terrified screams were completely ignored by everyone in the cafe.

"Such a waste, Neco-Arc," said Neco-Chaos. His voice was ridiculously deep.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"To destroy a good radio just like that. Mastering your most destructive impulses is the sign of a true man." He said it with deep conviction and a sage nod.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Smashing through the window, the blue-haired (and Irish) fireball rolled out onto the pavement before getting hit by a passing lorry.

Neco-Arc scratched its head. "I'm not even sure we have genders, nya."

"Ah, but that is the mystery." Another puff of smoke, then a side glance at the shattered window.

"We're going to have to repair that."

Outside, it was morning. Or night. Or day. The infinite metaphorical fields of the Nasuverse were there for the taking...

So why weren't they earning more?

Outside the Cafe

It was just another day for a certain Defender of Justice. In this case, it was buying the ingredients for lunch. Lunch was important when you had to pacify a Tiger. And a King.

The redhead teen walked along the road, dressed in his usual long-sleeved white-blue shirt and pants. He seemed to be completely focused on the idea of lunch.

"Twelve o' clock," he muttered, glancing at his watch with a frown. "If I get cabbage, eggs, and bacon, I can make okonomiyaki. Maybe with a bit of salmon, for variety. Seafood would be nice."

He passed by the new cafe. There was an ambulance and a smoking body in the middle of the road, which seemed completely forlorn in its deadness. Again. The paramedics seemed to be debating whether they should actually bother with this one. Naturally, Shirou didn't notice.

But Shirou, we had this last month! A hyperactive schoolteacher's whining voice rang out in his head.

Shirou. This is most unbecoming of your standards. I expected more from you. Saber, shaking her head in disapproval.

"Ah, dammit. What do I do? I knew I shouldn't have made Japanese all of last week." He stopped and turned, looking at the cafe with the unpronounceable name.

...It was a long shot, but maybe he could get them to eat out for once.

edited 17th Jun '13 1:31:17 AM by troydenite

Also Outside the Café
Shirou's life was about to get very confusing. Walking up behind him, dragging a suitcase on wheels, was Saber. But not the Saber he was familiar with—for one thing, she appeared to be aware of the existence of casual clothing. For another, she kept glancing down at a piece of paper in her hand for directions.

Then the blonde noticed him, and her face lit up. Shirou was promptly glomped, with the small girl's weight resting entirely on his back.

"Shirou! I've been looking for you!" Saber Lily said cheerfully, "I met this strange vampire man, and now everything looks a little odd! It's nice to find someone familiar, even if he was nice enough to give me directions to your house."

A 2012 Proton Inspira in a solid white finish with Keio Taxi company markings◊ made its approach towards Ahnenerbe at high speed. It's very clear that someone was in a hurry to get somewhere.

The Inspira began to make a sharp turn at it approached the end of the T-shaped intersection, making a right turn when the car skidded. After what it seemed to be forever, the Malaysian-made sedan was able to park right next to the curb next to the cafe's entrance.

"Ah, thanks a lot for using Keio Taxi!" Jin, the taxi driver who helped a couple of Japanese journalists survive the terror attacks in Shanghai, told his customers as they emerged out of the cab. They appeared to be men in their early 30s with black suits, white dress shirts and red neckties. "The fare is 15,040 Yen..."

"Oh god! I'm gonna-!" One of the suit-wearing man leaped out of the Inspira and barfed at the nearest trash can.

The other one was complaining very loud about how Jin was crazy with his speed and how it got his companion nearly sick. Nevertheless, the fare was still paid. Except that the other man complained that he was going to sue Keio Taxi in case his companion's health condition didn't get better.

Something that was most definitely a lion was in the alley behind the Cafe, digging through the dumpster, until it found what it was looking for. A decadent piece of meat on a bone. It grasped the prize in its front paws, and took a bite. "Gaooooo" she muttered happily as she chewed.◊

Suddenly she heard a loud noise from up ahead from one of the cars. The king of the wild ran out to see what was there, then froze. It was... but how... it could not....

"GAO!" she barked at the thing that was her, but was not her. She had her front paws out in front of her as she looked up at the woman.

And to make things even more chaotic, a comet clad in a blue school uniform hurtled through the streets outside the cafe, running over everything in its path before finally stopping in front of Shirou, ignoring the strange Saber-like cash-ins, and began shaking the redhead violently.

"Shirou-kun! Thank goodness!" moaned the young man called Shiki Tohno, a very distressed look on his face.

Frantically looking around, as if looking for an assassin (even though they were nowhere near the Temple Gate...), Shiki spoke again.

"SAVE ME."

Inside Ahnanablablerheble

In the (possibly) currently slightly-less chaotic inside of the café, something mildly noteworthy occurred.

One of the Neko-Arcs, busily carrying off another customers' order in a tray balanced totally safely above her head, unfortunately had a slight accident involving a salaryman's foot and gravity. The result of this was a flying tray with its contents being flung in the air, falling onto Mr. Salaryman and his laptop, and said laptop with the prior mentioned Tray Contents to join in a forbidden mixture.

Normally, this would result in a very broken laptop and a potential lawsuit. However, what this instead created was a portal to the café from a virtual world. With the screen glowing a bright blue, a feminine, fox-eared figure slowly emerged from the screen.

After several moments, she emerged fully, and the fox-tailed Servant of the Caster class glanced around the shop, a bright smile on her face.

"...Oh yeah, I made a cameo here before, didn't I?" Tamamo said to herself. "Well, since I'm between playthroughs, might as well actually check this place out!"

She looked at the various -Arcs and the customers, immediately noting who was a named character, and who was there as backdrops. None of them looked like a main character, though...

Leaving the stupefied salaryman with his now-broken laptop, Tamamo wandered over to a table and waited someone to take her order. She was pretty sure this would cause an Event to happen. The 'going outside' option didn't look promising at all!

Severely rattled by this strange youth in the blue outfit and glasses, Saber Lily did the first thing that seemed logical: release one of the arms around Shirou's neck and slam a slender-looking fist into Shiki's gut with an exclamation of "STOP SHAKING!"

Rather irritated by this, the girl dropped off, kneeling to crouch at the strange... lion... thing that looked so much like her despite being a tiny lion. It was tiny. And adorable.

"So cute!" the energetic Saber said, enthusiastically attempting to hug her miniature copy (careful to keep the half-eaten meat away from her shirt).

The punch hit. Hard. Gasping for air, Tohno let go of Emiya and fell to knees. "Why?! I..was..asking for help!" he wheezed.

Outside Ahnenerbe

"Eh?"

Shirou turned his head at the familiar and yet... not-familiar voice. Then he was glomped.

"S-S-Saber?" Sputtering, the teen desperately tried to keep from tumbling flat on his face, flailing with his arms out in a decidedly frantic fashion.

This wasn't right, the little voice in the back of his head told him in a slightly panicked whisper. Saber never wore clothes like that. And she was never this cheerful without food involved. And then there were those soft, rather bouncy mounds pressing against his back...

Oh, right. Definitely not Saber then.

Wait.

"Gah!" Fighting to keep the embarassment out of his voice (and face), Shirou began wheeling around, trying to look at the girl swinging happily from the back of his neck long enough to actually talk to her. Needless to say, his efforts were completely futile.

"Hey, look!" -turn- "I don't know if you're some sort of Saber from another dimension or something," -turn- "but I don't think we've actually met before!"

It was a decent attempt at explanation, or at least as decent as you could sound while being both annoyed and flustered at having a very lively, very pretty girl (Charisma Rank B!) hanging from your neck. Mostly flustered. His dazzling display of rhetoric, however, was interrupted by the entrance of... Saber Lion.

"Saber Lion?" Shirou's jaw almost dropped. "I thought we left you in Afric-"

And then a glasses-wearing comet of blue-clad fellow protagonist barrelled into him and starting shaking him like a redheaded beanbag, forcing almost all the wind out of him in a strangled series of half-vocalised words. Saber Lily somehow acted as a counterbalance, but that didn't really help much. And then not!Saber punched Shiki in the gut and let go to pet Saber Lion, so that was fine.

Not.

Considerably shaken, Shirou all but flopped backwards to compensate for the sudden loss of weight, taking several deep, wheezing breaths before he could muster the strength to even look up at the glasses-wearing teen.

"Look, Shiki, I have no idea what you're on about!" he let out, rather annoyed. "Aren't you the one with the game-breaking Eyes of Killing Everything? You should be able to take care of yourself!"

The paramedics around Lancer's corpse had packed up and left for the day, leaving it lying there in a heap. He was probably supposed to disappear by now, but that would ruin the blackness of the comedy.

Inside Ahnenerbe

Having tripped and accidentally summoned Tamomo, Neco-Arc Bubbles gave an apologetic "uh-uh-uh!", before scrambling away to a corner to atone for its sins with contemplative and sorrowful 'uhs'.

Neco-Arc, on the other hand, was far more practical. "Oh, I'm so sorry, nya!" It rushed over to the salaryman, wiping him off and ushering him to the door.

"No, nya, won't happen again, nya. So sorry, nya. Accept this refund, nya. Bye, nya. Come again, nya."

Fortunately, the man seemed dazed enough to forget his utterly ruined laptop. He wandered off into the afternoon muttering something about foxgirls and too many drinks. Even though Ahnenerbe only served alcohol when it felt like it.

"Why, when I get my hands on you, nya!" Cat-voice trembling in cat-rage, Neco-Arc almost made off to chastise its hapless employee, who shivered and let off a series of frantic 'uhs' -

Then it noticed Tamomo and stopped. "Oh, a customer, nya!" Anger forgotten, Neco-Arc rushed over to Caster, producing a little pad and pencil out of nowhere.

"Your order, nya? You seem familiar, nya..."

In the corner, Neco-Arc Bubbles let off a relieved 'uh.'

edited 17th Jun '13 5:57:05 AM by troydenite

Jin left the Inspira and locked it up, counting the fare a while ago. He watched the small group that gathered outside and near the car and paid them no heed.

Not like that they were gonna ask him for a fare.

"I need a drink."

When he got inside Ahnenerbe, he asked around if he can get a seat in the bar for just one person.

"I just need to get a quick bite to eat and drink. I'm on a short break from my taxi duty."

edited 17th Jun '13 6:18:58 AM by Ominae

Kuroe Von Einzbern whistles aimlessly as she wandered down the street. Let's see, she thought, screw with Illya at Ahnerereneb - ah, nevermind - or do something else, or - She stopped a few yards from the cafe. Shiro-nii-chan, along with what looked like the magical girl version of the Saber she'd fought the first time she woke up, and a tiny lion version of the girl. Without a thought she tacklehugged the white Saber.

Meanwhile, Sajyou Ayaka walked up from another direction. She'd tried to order food for takeout over the phone (though no one had picked up) and she had to get it now... Though it looked like there was a commotion in front of the doors. She tried to quietly maneuver towards the door.

Inside Ahnernebe Bazett continued cleaning the tables. It was odd that the weirdly familiar blue-haired man had died, but then again it seemed to happen every day around the cafe. She glanced up as she noticed the commotion outside, and a lesser woman might have gasped in shock. Such a buildup prevented customers from entering the cafe! This. Could. Not. Stand! Bazett strode to the door and slammed it open, fracturing the glass a bit. "Stop this at once!" She roared.

"Um..." Caster pondered on what to buy. She was by herself, so it wasn't like she needed a lot... but her potential husband could appear at any second! She couldn't be a loving wife if she didn't get... whoever her husband was something to drink. But what if they didn't like whatever she ordered?!

"Uh... ah..." seeing someone enter the shop, Caster immediately leaped to her feet and pointed to him. "Hey, what do you want to d-"

And then someone threw the door open to shout at whoever was outside. Ears twitching with interest, Caster stared at her, her great dilemma, and the poor Neko-Arc, forgotten at the moment.

"Gaoaogagao?!" said the king of the wild as she was enveloped by the larger Saber's hug. She was about to fight back, but... the view was interesting. She was so high up.

This was acceptable. For now.

"Gao!" she said happily as she bit off another piece of meat.

Saber wanted food. Her desire for food as strong, and unfortunately, Shirou's meal quality had been slipping over the past few days. His standard was normally far higher, but it had fallen sharply. This naturally required more satisfying ingredients, which is precisely what Shirou had gone out to obtain. Saber was certain of this.

Which is precisely why she had chosen to leave the house and aid him in selecting ingredients. Clearly, if his food quality was slipping, he needed a second opinion on ingredients. It was only the logical course of thought in this situation. And Saber felt she was good at identifying good food, so she believed her services could be of use to Shirou. It was now only a matter of locating him. He was, clearly, going somewhere where he could purchase food ingredients. These efforts would lead to an undeniably delicious meal that Saber would truly be able to enjoy!

She would-

Saber paused as something caught her eye from her right. Slowly, she turned, as time seemed to slow down around her. Was it...? Could it be...?

The large, stuffed lion toy stared back at her as her eyes fell squarely on it.

She had arrived outside a purveyor of such toys in her search for Shirou.

Eyes widened as Astolfo took in his surroundings. This wasn't the street he'd ducked down while on his way back to base. If the signs were to be trusted he was sure he wasn't in the same country anymore as well. Even more strange an odd assortment of people seemed to be gathered outside what appeared to be a cafe. Mustering his courage he approached the group.

"Hello. Where might this be?" he spoke as he switched to Japanese. He hoped that he recognized the signs properly. Hopefully there wasn't fault with the Grail since he appeared to have been summoned elsewhere.

edited 2nd Jul '13 1:20:41 AM by Chariot

"Shikiiiiiiiiii!!"

For the group outside the cafe, this was the portent of an apocalypse. Walking unflinchingly towards them, seemingly unmindful of her surroundings (even stepping on Lancer's corpse!) was...a magical girl. That's right, a magical girl, walking straight towards them, oblivious of all the stares she was getting.

"Shiki Tohno!" declared Phantasmoon, pointing her wand-thingy at him "I, magical girl of love and justice Phantasmoon, has come to punish you and cleanse your cheating heart!"

edited 17th Jun '13 6:37:16 PM by TheMightyZero

Shiki cringed as Bazett smashed a wall. "H-hey, I was just asking for help..." Why was every woman around him completely psychotic?

And then.

She came. The herald of his death, the destroyer of all, evil clad in a miniskirt.

"OH SHIT. Too late, she's here! SHIROU SAVE ME. You're a hero aren't you?!" with an unmanly screech Shiki Tohno hid himself behind Shirou. Well, there goes his dignity.

Meanwhile in the cafe, from the destroyed laptop, another mysterious virtual visitor materialized, looking confused as he stepped into the cafe.

The Knight of the sun frowned.

"...Where?"

Miyu and Ilyasviel Von Einzbern — On the way to work

The two were appopriately dressed for work. Wearing maid outfits, etc, which Ilya of course was frantic over until Miyu set her straight. "How much business do you think we're going to get today, Ilya?" Miyu felt the need to start some conversation.

"Mmmm... It has been pretty busy lately but maybe we'll get lucky today?"

"By... lucky do you mean more work?"

"No, why would I mean that?"

"You're the definition of diligent." she sighed.

"D-don't make fun of me, okay?"

"I won't, I won't, I was just being honest." the two arrived at the front door. Miyu was about to open the door when she heard something smash. Was it already that lively inside? The black-hair girl open up the door.

The bell sounded...

Ding ding.

"W-what is going... on?" then Miyu voiced her concern.

edited 17th Jun '13 7:47:34 PM by RagnatheSaviour

"Why wouldn't we have met before?" the cafe-located Saber asked, baffled as she turned back towards Shirou, still holding Saber Lion, "You summoned me for the Holy Grail War a few months ago, remember?"

Had the weird man messed with Shirou's head? That seemed possi—

And then a girl tackled her from behind and Saber Lily was forced to try and turn to see her, twisting and placing her mini lion double down to get a better look. It wasn't going very well, though at least a t-shirt was far more flexible than her armour.

Outside Ahnenerbe

"STOP THIS AT ONCE!"

The door to the cafe hit the brick of the wall adjoining the cafe to the other (unimportant) shop, which in turn was conveniently several meters away from Saber's plush toy shop. It was a long shot, but the creaking door sounded like it was whimpering.

"Uh!" Inside, Neco-Arc Bubbles jumped up from her corner in shock, before smashing back into the ground as gravity took effect. That was another thump (like a sad footnote), but no-one really noticed it.

For his part, Shirou took it remarkably well. "B-B-Bazett?" he said, a slightly nervous grin on his face. The woman was terrifying. "I didn't know you worked a-"

"SHIKIIIIIIIII!"

"Yaggh!" The other titanic roar made him jump at just about the same time as Shiki. Fortunately, having much more experience at being horribly maimed by falling from extreme heights, he got up much faster. Kind of.

And then his jaw dropped again. Any more punishment and the swords would probably start acting up.

"P-P-Phantasmoon?"

Lancer's charred corpse made a kind of squeaky noise when she walked over it. No-one really noticed, though.

Shirou began backing up against Ahnenerbe's newly broken display window. "But you're a TV character! I record your show!" he stammered, as if desperately trying to rationalise the situation away. Justice or no justice, he knew when to be scared. Jumping in front of a raging Berserker was one thing, standing in the way of an angry cosplaying woman was another. Juggling his half-sister and three main heroines had honed his 'homicidal cheated girl' senses to quite possibly Rank EX.

And TV character or not, she seems pissed! Was she some sort of cosplayer? But she wasn't even supposed to exist! And her outfit was too show-accurate!

Shiki's trembling entreaties got him nowhere, as Shirou attempted to back even further back into the front of the cafe.

"Look, you idiot, I keep telling you that you're the one with the Mystic Eyes!" he yelled. "Just... just apologize or something!"

The exponentially mounting levels of shenanigans had began to draw some side glances even inside the cafe. Not to mention that a good push to the heroes would probably send Shirou tumbling into Ahnenerbe itself...

"And I still think you're the wrong Saber!" This panicked aside would most likely get the real Saber's attention.

Inside Ahnenerbe

"NYAH! Neco-Chaos, do something about those idiots! I can't stand it anymore, nya! It's bad for business!" Neco-Arc let out a cry of enraged cattiness, waving its pad about like a windwill. Tamomo seemed to be forgotten completely.

"Roger." With characteristic laidbackness, the silver-haired Nero (Dead Apostle Ancestor, not Roman Emperor) parody took another drag at his cigarette and got up from his seat, sauntering purposefully towards the door.

He passed Gawain and Astolfo. "Bubbles, we have new customers. Show them their seats. Get Destiny to take their orders, please."

"Uh-uh-uh!" Nodding furiously, the lively Neco (only sporting a large bandage from its earlier fall) rushed out and ushered them enthusiastically to a seat, somewhere in the non-ruined part of the cafe.

"Oh, coming~!" A pink-haired Neco came out from behind the counter. Her voice was decidedly that of a maturer female, and yet (like most of the Necos) not quite all there in the head.

"Hello, customers!" Neco-Arc Destiny said. "I'm here to take your order and aren't you the most adorable little girl I've ever seen? Oh look at you you're so cute!" Naturally, this was directed towards Astolfo, whom the little chibi cat seemed now quite smitten with. If she could jump high enough, she would probably start pinching his cheeks - not that it was stopping her from trying. In a decidedly motherly way.

"Can I take you home, little girl? Can I, can I, can I?"

Meanwhile, Neco-Chaos casually reached the door, passing the two maid girls reporting in for work. "Ah, you're just in time. The blue-haired one has met his demise again. I shall take it from here, thank you Bazett. See to our new customers, the fox-one in particular."

The serious-looking Neco poked his head around the door. Unlike his other brethren, his eyes were marker-drawn slits instead of exaggerated cartoon sclera. His teeth were jagged, his head was huge, his ears showed through his gray hair and yet he somehow managed to seem as dignified as possible.

"Excuse me," he said in his deep baritone. "You are disturbing the customers. Would it be too much if I asked you to move your quarrel to another place?"

edited 20th Jun '13 2:09:02 AM by troydenite

edited 21st Jun '13 3:24:33 AM by biomechtraveler

"Ah thanks."

Jin took his seat down at the bar and told Neco-Arc Destiny. "I just want some ramen today. The best one you got. Oh yeah, and put in Diet Pepsi for my drink."

He took out an Iphone 4S and placed it on the bar table.

"I hope the guys at Keio Taxi aren't gonna bother me. Especially about that guy."

Phantasmoon pouted cutely as Shiki tried in vain to hide. Ignoring Shirou, she pointed her wand thingy at Tohno once again.

"Hiding behind one of your evil friends,huh? That won't work!!" she proclaimed, calling forth all of her righteous fury..

"Behold, the FURY OF JUSTICE!! PHANTASMOOOOOONNNNN PUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH!!"

She then proceeds to try punching Shiki, and if Shirou gets in the way so be it!

If she is successful, the punch would be powerful enough to send the poor victims flying into the cafe, destroying a good chunk of the door...

Listening to whatever ruckus was going on outside, Tamamo wondered if this was the event flag she was looking for. It was time for an important choice to be made here! She could sit with the unfamiliar fellow, sit with the dashing Saber fellow with a -serve-my-king-forever fetish, or go outside and essentially gamble on her new spouse. Oh, decisions...

"Gaaah, can't I just savestate?!" the foxgirl moaned, gripping her head tightly. The first choices were always so hard!

No, why was she heading towards - and before she could think about it, Saber Lion was on the ground, no longer able to see so far. She turned to look at what the bigger her was looking at, but saw some.... thing... with a tail was looking out from the door, saying something..

Well, it was time for the King of the Wild to teach others to know their place.

"Gao! Gao gao!" she roared.